You can take all the tea in China. Put it in a big brown bag for me.

More blurbs and things of that nature.

· If you haven’t seen it yet drop everything and check out Jake Plumber’s mustache: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/players/profile?playerId=1177
· Whoever Green lighted Commander and Chief deserves to be shot, and then left for dead in New Mexico. Well you could probably take out the shot part and it would still be pretty bad.
· My roommate (who happens to be a huge cock monger) recently went to a Hot Hot Heat concert, and now that’s the only band he plays in our room. This band is like the soundtrack to a seizure. I almost vomit everytime I walk in and see that shit eater rocking out to this gawd awful music. (Editor’s Note: They actually have a few decent songs, but never, under any circumstance play more then 3 songs of theirs in a row. Just trust me on this.)
· Is there anything worse then the girl whose b/f plays on a sports team and then she feels compelled to out scream everyone whenever her significant other does anything half way decent. Man I hate that sh*t.
· Wouldn’t life be better if everyone referred to his or her reproductive organ as their ‘wrong wrong’.
· I’ve decided to curb my roommate. I came to this decision after I was woken up by his girlfriend text messaging him. He then preceded to call her and talk in the boyfriend voice for no less then 30 minutes. Keep in mind this was all happening at 8:45. I didn’t have to get up till 1:00. What an a$$.
· If you’re desperately missing Ryan Adams’s Wiskeytown days, then go out and buy his new CD “Jacksonville City Lights”. The CD is pure unadulterated country. It gets a bit too twangy at times, but the bright spots easily outway the ruff ones. And the highlights, as they are on all Ryan Adams CDs, are incredible. This album’s big winner is “The End” or “Hard Way to Fall”. Overall I give it a 7.5 out of 10.
· Whenever someone yells “We love you (insert band or person’s name)” at a concert I always feel compelled to yell “Speak for yourself b*tch” right after that.
· Of all the pointless traditions I semi-keep for myself I find know to be more enjoyable or as constant as my tradition of playing Pavement’s “Cut Your Hair” after each hair cut. (Ed: The one tradition that is way more constant then this one is the touching of my wrong wrong when I’m sad.)
· Has any trend ever been worse then the popped collar fad?
· Take my word for it, the freshman 15 is put on warp speed by the presence of a soft serve ice cream.
· After reviewing all my options and thinking things over during numerous sleepless nights I’ve decided my dream job would have to be being a Mob boss with a heart of gold.
· After seeing him live, I’ve recently been playing Sufjan Steven’s album Illinois almost non-stop and I’ve come to two conclusions 1. This is not only far and away the best album of this year, but… 2. This maybe the best album since OK Computer. Is currently 2:00 a.m., so that may explain for the hyperbole, but the album is really freakin’ good.
· I realize most of this post wouldn’t even pass as my B-Game, yet I feel obligated to post for all of my readers. You should all feel guilty about the poor quality of this post. This is what happens when you rush art. Have a good weekend.

Until We Meet Again

Memories and Memoirs, Part 1

So after re-watching High Fidelity, one of the best movies evah, I came across a line that got me thinking. The line was:
“Some people never got over ‘Nam or the night their band opened for Nirvana. Well I never got over Charlie.”
This line got me thinking about things I’ve never gotten over. Some of them I may never get over, others I maybe over by the time I finish typing this. But either way here’s Part 1 of the list of things I’ve yet to get over.

The Ninja Gadien Trilogy: Three of the best video games ever, and on each one I’ve gotten to the final boss and never, despite countless hours of trying, defeated him. That fact haunts me to this day.

My Half Brother cheating every time we play Scategories: Seriously, who the f*** does he think he is? I mean it’s Scategories for chrissakes. I could go off on countless stories, b/c he cheats every f***ing time we play, but I’ll stick with just one story. One of the categories was toys and the letter was W, so this a-hole puts down Wonka trucks. Now we all know that it’s Tonka Trucks. Still, this lying POS went on to convince whoever it was we were playing with that the companies name was actually Wonka and they bought it. I was the only one who tried to vote him down. F him and F all of those people we played with that day.

The Ending to Huck Finn: Here we have a novel that was on the verge of being extrodinary, and then Twain pulls a Chris Webber on us. Seriously, he negates all the character progression that has gone on to this point and almost ruins the novel. I take it back, this is like C-Webb, the Buffalo Bills, Donovan Mcnab, Greg Norman and Byung Yung Kim all rolled into one.

The fact that System of a Down is really, really good: Honestly have you listened to this band? The tempo changes they pull are absolutely amazing. Their lead singer has an incredible voice with superb range. And I don’t even like the style of music they do but the songs are always catchy. Sh*t I hate the fact this band is too damned talented for me to label them as a guilty pleasure.

That the Arcade Fire-Wolf Parade Show in Chi-town being sold out: Truthfully I’m pretty much over this one, but this show is an absolute cream dream. By the time I found out about it it was already sold out. Damn.

The U of A – Illinois Game, 2005: I've tried long and hard to convince myself that his game never happened, but it did. Let me give you a little background here so you can understand the whole picture. U of A basketball is my 2nd religion, I’m completely serious. I live in die by this team every year from November to April. So here I am going to school in Chicago where everyone and there mother has jumped on the Illini bandwagon. Arizona has a 13 point lead 3 minutes left. I’m headed for the best gloating seesion of all-time, and the team to which I’ve devoted 20 solid years to is on the verge of the basketball Mecca known as the Final Four. Things couldn’t have possibly been better at that moment. And then, sh*t happened. I’d go into detail of telling you how they fell apart and eventually lost in OT all the while the refs swallowed their whistles. But I’d rather do something less painful like repeatedly stab myself in the penis with a sharp fork. I know now that I’ll never get over this game; I think I’m going go puke now and then take my own life. The mere memories of this game send me into a minor depression, seriously. Well now I feel completely miserable, stay tuned for part II.

Until We Meet Again

Do you believe in MGM Endings

More blurbs and bullet points (mainly to keep my half brother off my back).

- Hurricane Rita reminds me of those bands that have a really popular debut album then rush out their 2nd album a few months later only to find that it sucks and people have lost interest. (Note: It’s a joke…)
- After a good deal of thought I’ve decided that the sh*tty lip wrist-core that is currently sweeping the nation can be traced back, like almost all modern music, to the Pixies.
- I’ve now lowered my dating standards to a girl who would be able to understand how kick ass the mix I would give her is.
- I’m not the first person to find out about this, but the rand facts about chuck Norris and Vin Diesel are probably two of the funniest websites I’ve ever been to.
- More songs I missed on the Hurricane Katrina Mix: I wish I was in New Orleans by Tom Waits and Eye of the Hurricane by The Alarm.
- You know you live an uneventful/depressing life when you’re considering taking up smoking again just to kill time.
- Life’s a bitch and I’m her whore.
- Currently Chicago weather is hot, humid and miserable overall. With in a matter of weeks it will be too cold to go outside and equally as miserable. What a great city!?!?!?!!?!?
- True story: So I was walking on Wheaton’s Campus last weekend when a group of jr. highers and their leader came up with a video camera. They explained to me that they were doing a thing for their youth group where they were going around telling people they got punk’d. So they told me I got punk’d. I then punched all of them in the face and started shouting “No Bitch you got punk’d!!!!” Well the first part was true.
- If the only people who request to be my friends on myspace are topless guys who are obviously unsure about their sexuality and gay Latinos what does that say about me?
- Am I the only one who can stop thinking of the old SNL skit about Hurricane Dikta?
- Looking for a good book to make you feel racially aware and intellecitual read The Souls of Black Folk by W.E.B. DuBois.
- I think one of my life goals is to have a silhouette of myself appear in an Ipod ad.
- Reason #164 I hate my Roommate: He’s always shushing me when I walk into our room because he’s on the phone with his special lady friend. What a cock gobbler.

Until We Meet Again

Well here’s my newest hot list.

Things I’m hot on:

Sufjan Stevens: Wow, what a man. I wasn’t terribly familiar with Illinois, his latest album, when I saw him live, but wow. This was easily one of the three best shows I’ve ever seen. The guys really good and if you have a chance to go see him do so, I promise you won’t regret it. I’m not going to say anything else about the show b/c there’s no way I’ll do it justice.

Kanye West – Late Registration: Quickly approaching the “Holy F*cking Sh*t” level.

Salinger: First I read Catcher in the Rye, about two years too late but it was still great, and I’m halfway through Franny and Zoey which is rocking my socks off. So yeah.

Music: Elizabethtown Soundtrack, Castle Old Chair – Sad Pants: Don’t let the name fool you, this is not an emo album, just really good music. Tim Booth – Bone, Crooker Fingers – Dignity & Shame: I’d forgotten how great this album is, Hayden – Elk Lake Serenade, Silver Jews – Tanglewood Numbers: This album isn’t as good as all the others, but it’s growing on me. Especially Punks in the Beerlight and I’m getting back into getting back into you.

Arrested Development Season 3: One episode in and I’m hooked, this show has yet to miss a beat, just amazing.

Things I’m not hot on ( a.k.a. The Not Hot List):

Girls who wear dresses: It’s one thing if you have date, or it’s Sunday and you went to church. But if it’s Thursday and the only place your going is to the cafeteria, then why the f*ck are you so overdressed? Listen we understood that you were lady like when you refused to put out, wearing the dress is just overkill.

The new Deathcab CD: Against my better judgment I gave this Cd a listen and wow, it blew a$$. I mean it made Transatlantacisim look pretty good by comparison. This band is doing everything in its power to make me forget how good the Forbidden Love EP is.

Tampon commercials: That sh*t is gross!!!?!!?!?!?

Things I’m hot on, but really wish I wasn’t (a.k.a Guilty Pleasures):

Yahoo Pool: I currently lead a very sad life.

My Ipod: Not only does it keep me company when I leave my room, but it has also saved me from several stop and talks. But b/c I feel like an a-hole hipster for always having it with me, it has to be labeled as a guilty pleasure.

Until Next We Meet Again

Jesus rides beside me, He never buys any smokes.

Here’s yet another sampling of my thoughts

· Why would anyone think it’s a good idea to tell you that a mentally handicap person is “a breath of fresh air”
· Do women see an ad for tampons on TV and then feel the immediate impulse to go out and buy that brand? Or are they just as uncomfortable as us when they come on?
· Book recommendation: The Brief and Freighting Reign" of Phil by George Saunders. This book is brilliantly written, weird as all hell, and oddly moving. And it’s an extremely quick read, pick this sh*t up.
· No matter how many times I see Jerry McGuire, I still get chocked up at the “I’m not letting you get rid of me” line.
· I have a phenomenal idea for a reality TV show. Find a gay football player, get him on a team in the NFL. Then let all they players on that team know he’s gay and just have the cameras rolling. Not Only am I certain this would make for great entertainment, but everyone would watch it.
· Avid reader Travis P. pointed out that I had two key misses in my Hurricane Katrina mix, Blame it on the rain by Milli Vanilli and Rock me like a hurricane by the Scorpions. In related news I’m still headed straight for hell.
· If you haven’t seen it, watch the Black Bush skit on Chappelle Season 2. Probably the hardest I’ve laughed evah!!!!
· I often feel a bit sound when I realize the only chance Arizona ever has of winning a national championship in football is when I play with them in NCAA Football 2005. And yes I have a very sad life right now.
· Which musical style is more generic, mainstream country or mainstream rap?
· Is it a curse or a mixed blessing that I’m great at nothing but near average on several things?
· I’m going to see Sufjan Stevens tomorrow. I having nothing more to add to this, I just wanted to brag.
· No matter how many times I watch the Real Cancun the “For a piece of a$$ you’re never going see again…You had 24 hours” line followed by the “ohhhh” gets me every time.

Until We Meet Again

A theory, and I’m probably an Insomniac

So as I begin typing this it’s currently 3:30 in the a.m. Chicago time. So as you read on remember that you’re reading the writings of a desperate, tired and semi-horny man. Anyhow, as I was lying awake in my bed pondering why my room feels like a sauna (side note: F*CK the Midwest and its F*CKING humidity.) I had a miraculous thought/theory. I will now precede to give birth to this idea that I’ve become impregnated with. So with out further ado I present to you my Ashton Kutcher theory. (Quick question: Does the fact that I’m thinking about Ashton Kutcher at 3:30 in the morning mean I’m gay… on second thought don’t answer that.) So here’s how the theory works. We all have a celebrity, who sucks sh*t, yet time we always see there new movies. For me that celebrity is Ashton Kutcher. After checking out his filmography on imdb.com I found out that I’ve seen over 70% of Ashton’s films. Now I making myself extremely venerable by telling you all this, but I don’t care. We all have are sh*tty celebrity to whom we see all their movies, no matter how terrible they’ll be. And thus the Ashton Kutcher Theory is born. You can make fun of me all you want, but deep down you to have a guilty pleasure actor or actress. Well I’m going go to sleep now, I’ll update again on Friday.

Until We meet Again

Hurricane Katrina

Remember after 9/11 when they stopped playing a bunch of songs on the radio because they were deemed offensive in some way or another. Well in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina I’ve compiled a list of songs that clear channel may want to stop playing for awhile. So now with out further ado, here’s my Hurricane Katrina mix.

Disclaimer: I realize this is a tragedy. I’ve given money to the Red Cross, I’m constantly in prayer for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. This list is my attempt at black comedy. It maybe in extremely poor taste, and poorly timed, but sometimes greatness requires great risk taking. I apologize to anyone who might be offended. I only intended this for comical purposes.

1. Jars Clay – Flood (Yeah you should probably stop reading now.)
2. Belle & Sebastian – Get Me Away from Here I’m Dying
3. Bob Dylan – Hurricane
4. Led Zeppelin – When the Levy Breaks
5. Badly Drawn Boy – Wet, Wet, Wet
6. Silver Jews – New Orleans
7. M. Ward – So Much Water
8. BJ Thomas – Rain Drops Keep Falling on my Head
9. David Gray – Dead in the Water (I felt really bad about this one.)
10. Fruit Bats – The Wind that Blew My Heart Away
11. Hillary Duff – Let the Rain Fall Down
12. Fountains of Wayne – Sink to the Bottom
13. Poor Rich Ones – Drown
14. Pixies – Wave of Mutilation

So Now that you all know I’m destined for hell, have a great day.

Until We Meet Again

A Logic Deduction

So one day my roommate and I decided to come up with a list of obnoxious things girls say to guys. We did this because we were bored and my roommates a complete douche so I’d rather talk about inconsequential bull-sh*t with him because there’s no chance of having a normal conversation with any substance at all. Anyhow, while we were making this list, we got a sort of thinker’s bloc. We had come up with our top two and after that couldn’t thing of any other sayings or words. Our top 2 were, in order: “Hey stranger” and “Where have you been all my life”. We finally came to two conclusions. 1. That while other things girls say maybe obnoxious, these two are on a much higher level, a level that no other saying currently and hopefully never will reach. 2. And finally, and most importantly, we decided that the combination of these two saying is the worst possible thing a human-being can say to someone. If any girl says “Hey stranger where have you been all my life?” is anything more repulsive. Whenever a girl says this to me I immediately picture the Holocaust in my head. Seriously though, if I was deeply in love with a girl and she said this to me, I’d never speak to her again. I’d probably punch her in the face and then repeatedly scream “What the F***”. And after that we’d be through. Have a good weekend.

Until We meet Again

Pressure, pressing down on me.

So in my continued efforts to get a hot bod, I went to my schools mini workout place located in the girl’s dormitory. This was a mistake; for as I found out moments after I began to run on the treadmill (I know I’m a poon) that the AC in the building had been cut for one reason or another. Anyhow, as those who have seen me exercise (an elite group I can assure you of that) know, I sweat profusely. In fact you probably know this if you’ve been around me and the temperature was above 85. So needless to say I lost probably around 10 lbs of water weight during my run. Midway through, when I was already drenched in sweat, a young lady came into work out as well. Seeing as how I was distracted by my music and the fact that she was by no means a ‘looker’ I didn’t really care. However this soon became a problem. Maybe it was the added heat or the sh*tty cafeteria food I’ve been eating, but none the less my stomach was not in a good mood. So I was faced with a dilemma, because I badly needed to fart. Now I was about as unpressentable as they come, in fact by this time my shirt had morphed with my skin. So not only was I sweaty and disgusting, but my white t-shirt was now see through, so if this coed wanted to she could have easily seen my cha chas. And while I really didn’t care what this girl thought of me, news travels fast on this tiny, God—forsaken campus, so I didn’t need her telling an entire girls dormitory how gross I am, they can find that out for themselves. So I decided to hold it in and maybe slip a few out if possible. Well nothing big happened for awhile, but soon my urge to fart was transformed into one of needing to sh*t, badly. I had a few minutes left in my run, and now I was pushin’ cotton I had to go so badly. So instead of ending early, I just sort of closed up the distance between my legs and hoped for the best. Seeing as it now looked as if I had come out of the shower with out drying off and I was running with my butt cheeks clenched together and my legs at a very close proximity I can only imagine what that girl was thinking. Or what she thought when I stopped running and walked awkwardly out of the room and then rushed off to the nearest bathroom. I’m not sure why I’m sharing this, hopefully enough of you out there are as juvenile as I am and get a good deal of laughs out of this.

Until We Meet Again.

Notes and Thoughts:

Here’s a small sampling of the things that occupied my mind during Labor Day weekend, along with wondering if my half brother remembered his morals in Los Angeles.

· Wouldn’t golf be a far more enjoyable/watchable sport if the announcers just randomly cursed, while maintaining their oh so calm voices. Example: “Holy f*cking sh*t that was a nice putt by Davis Love III”
· Remember a couple years back when there was up roar from the black community about the fact that there were no Hurricanes named after African-American names. Well I’ve decided to do something about that and I will now only refer to Hurricane Katrina as Hurricane Jawanda
· Thanks to the Hurricane Jawanda every sports journalist feel obligated to point out to us ‘that it’s times like these that make us remember football is just a sport.’ So you’re telling me you need a natural disaster or a war to remind you that sports, even at the professional level, are nothing more then entertainment? I’m mean I takes sports very seriously, some almost to a religious extent (U of A), but at no point in my life have I needed an act of God to make me realize it wasn’t anything more then sports.
· In case you didn’t realize, saying I followed some sports religiously was hyperbole.
· As a man who’s 1/64 Indian I’m personally offended by the Atlanta Braves mascot name…
· There are few things worse in life then the post-working out diarrhea.
· I often confuse melancholy with depression.
· Kareem Abdul-Jabar has been hired as a special assistant to the LA Lakers*. Am I the only one confused by the title of 'special' assistant? Is this an attempt to alienate the other assistants? Why does Kareem get this honorary title and no one else? Or is the all for show, and that's why the special title is given? Please, can someone fill me in on this.
· On paper, and from the trailer, I think it’s safe to say that ‘The Man’ will probably be one of the worst movies of all-time.
· If I get a cell phone from U.S. Cellular does that mean I’m supporting Joan Cusack, who is the company’s spokes person. And if it does, can I even look myself in the mirror from here on out.
· How happy was William Dafoe when he found out about his role in ‘Boondock Saints’? Seriously that’s the role he was made to play, and he was allowed to be as flamboyant as he wanted to be with out it taking away from his character. I believe that the only time an actor could have been happier about a role was when Doug E. Doug learned of his role in Cool Runnings.
· Is it a bad sign if I got scared by the trailer of “The Exorcism of Emily Rose”?

Well that’s it for now. Until We Meet Again.
* http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2150035

Top 5 List

Top 5 Reasons I hate being at Trinity

5. I don’t like Christians – Despite being a practicing Christian, the group that pisses me off the most is far and away Christians (as previously documented in this web space). I could go on forever about the “Christian” things people do here to piss me off, but I’m too lazy.

4. My Roommate pops his collar – He also owns over 30 polo’s, what a cock monger.

3. Soft Serve Ice Cream – Yeah it’s delicious, but at what cost.

2. Website Filtering – Both Maddox and The Onion are blocked by my school. I thought I was paying to go to school, not be babysat. I also can’t play on-line poker.

1. The Midwest – Yeah right now it’s ok, but in a matter of weeks it’s going to be the most miserable place in the U.S.A, if you exclude New Mexico.

* While I'm not quite ready to talk about it, pick up the new Kanye West, this CD is unbef*ckinglievable. Regardless of how big of an ass-wipe Kanye may be, his producing and sub-par rapping are amazing, esp. on this album.