Another West Coast Morning

All Good Things Most Come to an End, the Bad Ones Just Go On Forever

2009-08-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

My antiquated blogging days are far behind me now. I've moved on to bigger and better things, namely a Tumblr account. This will be the last update I (most likely) ever make here, so if you wish to keep tabs on me copy and paste this web address:

http://anotherwestcoastmorning.tumblr.com/

It's been real

We'll Meet Again

2009-05-19T16:41:00.000-07:00

The Time has come for my annual summer hiatus. I’ll return in some form or another in Late August/Early September, so check back then.

Until We Meet Again*
* This sign off seems gayer than usual in light of this post

On iPhone Apps, Elitism and Counter-points

2009-05-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

I’ve always wondered how the music elitists in my life can muster so much content when conversing about the latest music releases. “The complexity of the rhythm section provided by Phil Selway really compliments the precise layering of Johnny’s Greenwood’s stripped down guitar work and Thom Yorke’s* haunting vocal tracks on Radiohead’s imported Japanese tour EP makes me think that they are striving towards a sound that is all together even more atmospheric than their Amnesiac era.” “Umm, Radiohead? Yeah, I like them.” Rather than solving this dilemma in my life, I have chosen to contribute to it. I figure, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

I’m wanting to create a completely unofficial Pitchfork.com iPhone** application. For any of you who are unfamiliar, allow me to briefly explain Pitchfork. They have pegged themselves as “The Essential Guide to Indie Music,” and have made a name for themselves by writing up dramatic, condescending, and generally punishing reviews of independent music albums. Pitchfork thrives from the constant clicks from indie music elitist across the nation, primarily by packaging these album reviews into memorable snippets that can later be shared with friends, seemingly as original insights.

The core idea for this application starts in that it will automatically download each and every album that Pitchfork reviews, immediately building the credibility of your personal music catalog. This feature in itself will not sell more than a handful of applications. Most, if not all, of these hipsters have the brain capacity to look up the new reviews on Pitchfork and purchase illegally download accordingly. The real selling point for this application is its ability to generate key lines to use when your friends ask for your opinion of a new CD/you tell them anyway. Examples might include “I was really into ____________ until they got so big. They totally sold themselves out as soon as they starting talking to __________ about doing a record deal.” Or more specifically, “This Fleet Foxes album is fantastic, but anyone who doesn’t own their EP is missing out on the greatest track they have ever recorded” or “You better start listening to Phoenix right now, they are going to be the breakout indie sensation of the summer.” ***

The music elitists in our lives make it look easy to be pompous and condescending about their advanced musical pedigree, but I am personally willing to bet that they would be willing to shell out an extra $5-10 when no one was looking in order to further secure their position as the go to music guru of their social circles. I know I would be.

What are my thoughts on the newest Conor Oberst effort? Hold on, I need to check something on my phone…

Signing off.
Marko Wilson, Guest Blogger

*I admittedly jokingly pronounce the silent “h” in Thom’s name when I speak of him, referencing the fact that I know he has an oddly spelled name, and therefore making me, to some degree, the music elitist that I am currently mocking.
**Although an application for the SideKick would perhaps be a more direct route to my clientele, the iTunes app store is just so much more accessible.
***The last two quotes are directly from our common music elitist friend Calvin Paradise.
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I’d be remiss if I didn’t somehow respond to these attack/allegations/truthful quotations leveled against me by Mr. Wilson. I’ll start by saying his iPhone app is one hell of an idea. I would even go a step further and invent an app that’s more or less a hipster handbook*. It could create literary catchphrases for you like “Joyce was a f**king champion” Or spout out film critique/commentary such as “I think my ideal film would be co-written by Charlie Kaufman and David Gordon Green, directed by Spike Jonez, with David Fincher in charge of cinematography” I mean what hipster wouldn’t want said app? And as far as I can tell, hipsters and trophy wives make up 95% of the iPhone’s clientele, so really this app seems like a no brainer. Apple, have your people call mine and let’s get this done.

Anyhow, I most now move on and address the quotes attributed to me by the guest blogger. Both these quotes are true, mostly. While they may not be word-for-word accurate, the sentiment of both remains intact. Before I get to dissecting these quotes, allow me refute the claim, inferred or otherwise, that I’m an elitist. Here’s the dictionaries definition of an elitist:

1. The belief that certain persons or members of certain classes or groups deserve favored treatment by virtue of their perceived superiority, as in intellect, social status, or financial resources.
2.
a. The sense of entitlement enjoyed by such a group or class.
b. Control, rule, or domination by such a group or class.

Now, I don’t feel either of those definitions fit me. I definitely have elitist tendencies, but I’m not an elitist. I don’t revel in the fact that I listen to good music and actually read (See what I did there?). In fact, I kind of hate my tastes. Anytime someone asks me what kind of music I listen and what not, I don’t like telling them. Not because I feel they’re unworthy of knowing my preferences, but because said preferences tend to make me come off like an elitist blowhard. This whole situation is made worse by the fact that I tend to state my opinions as if they were fact. This is just the way I talk, honest. I don’t view my opinions as impeccable. In fact, I’m fully aware that they’re just opinions. ~~I can’t help it if they also happen to be right.~~ Really, I’m not an elitist.

As for the quotes, allow me to explain them. The one about the Fleet Foxes came about in a conversation about the band. Marko and I were talking, he expressed that he enjoyed the album and asked what I thought of the band. I said they were great, and while I enjoyed the album (My 12th favorite album of last year), I thought a song on their debut ep, So Long to the Headstrong, was their best song. I merely stated my opinion, and under the circumstances of our conversation, I figured Mr. Wilson would realize that. I regret that he misinterpreted my stated opinion as if I thought it was fact, but I don’t regret what I said.

As for the quote about Phoenix, I feel this needs no explanation. Their new album, “Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix”**, is astounding. It makes me happy every time I listen to it. I know Mr. Wilson enjoys good music, so I thought I’d alert him to it. I was just trying to share some of the joy in my life with him, that is all. The album will be released on the 19th of May and it’s so good that I’m actually going to purchase it. That’s right, this album is so good I’m actually going to spend my elitist money on it.

Until We Meet Again
* Yes I know one of those already exists, but they haven’t made an app form it yet.
** Possibly the best album title ever

Some Quick Thoughts on Life and the NBA Playoffs

2009-05-05T02:19:00.000-07:00

I haven’t written anything in a while, so hopefully this will satisfy my writing jones. The title of this post is pretty self-explanatory, so I’m just gonna dive right in

Things I Almost Wrote About

- “The Summer of George”: I’m essentially unemployed (working 5-10 hours a week) and I’m leaving for the summer in 2 weeks so there’s no way I can get another job. I now have a scary amount of time on my hands which I mainly spend being unproductive. Most of my day is spent wandering around my house, or to be more specific my parents house (my life is all kinds of awesome). I do read a lot, things ranging from pseudo-pretentious literature I don’t understand to the lowest of low internet ramblings. Since the better part of my day is spent lounging I’m normally dressed like some sort of hipster/jock/vagabond hybrid. Now as long as I don’t leave the house there’s nothing wrong with this get up. Unfortunately, I’ve had to run several errands as of late and I end up going out in public wearing things like UofA basketball shorts and a Yellow Bird Project tee. Combine this with my bad hair cut (I seem to get an endless amount of those) and I look like a complete mess every time I leave the house. I guess since I know that I won’t see anyone in this town for the whole summer I’ve just completely stopped caring about my personal appearance*. The lesson to be learned from all of this: The combination of (almost) unemployment and leaving for 3 months is lethal.

- “Why Lost is Criminally Overrated”: Whenever I have an abundance of time on my hands, I tend to think really deeply on matters that shouldn’t be thought about deeply, i.e. movies, TV shows, music, etc.; I’m like the Thomas Merton of pop culture. The latest victim of my musings has been the uber hit drama(?) Lost. I’ve watched all 5 seasons of this show, and with the exception of the very first one, have almost stopped watching in the middle of every season. I keep coming back because the show generally ends and begins their seasons on high notes. All in all it’s a decent show that tries too hard and whose writers think they’re much more clever than they actually are.

Yet every review I read talks about this show as if it were the greatest thing to ever be played on television. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why this is, I mean if an amateur like me can see that for everything this shows does well there’s at least 2-3 things it does poorly than why can’t these critics see it as well? And then I realized what it was. Art folks are always bemoaning for some time the loss of shared cultural experiences, i.e. ‘the current musical landscape will never allow for another Beatles’ or ‘I don’t think they’ll ever be another film like It’s a Wonderful Life, that everyone sees and is effected by’. Lost is probably the last big shared cultural experience that Gen Xers, who make up the majority of the publishing world, will have. Therefore this show has to be great, since nothing like this will never come around again (teen crazes like Harry Potter and Twilight don’t count).

In the end I didn’t write this because I’m fairly certain none of my 8 readers watch Lost and because I’m not nearly smart enough or a good enough writer to fully expound on this idea to my liking.

-“He’s Just Not That Into You”: I went to see this movie at the dollar theatre for anthropological reasons. I somehow made it to the end of this train-wreck and no longer had any interest in anthropology, or humanity for that matter. This film was watching a two hour abortion, and I’m not saying that to be hyperbolic or shocking, it was honestly that bad.

Ok, this next one needs its own bullet point list. All points are condescended as possible for everyone’s benefit

Why the Bulls-Celtics Series Wasn’t Actually Great

-Vinny Del Negro is probably the worst coach of all-time, at any level
- Game 7 was largely decided by an Eddie House hot streak. I rest my case
- Just about every great moment in this series was due in large part to extremely low basketball IQ (see: BEN GORDON, John Salmons, Paul Pierce in Game 6, Stephon Marbury, etc.) or some horrendous coaching decisions (such as Doc Rivers adjusting his line-up when the Bulls played small ball, everything the aforementioned Vinny D did)
- As far as I could tell Vinny Del Negro was drawing up the double alley-oop play from NBA Jam for all of the Bulls end of game plays. That seems to be the only logical explanation for all the double-teamed, fall away 18-footers Ben Gordon took in big situations throughout this series
- Um, Mr. Del Negro, when the Celtics are down 3, it may be in your best interest to guard their best shooter, Ray Allen
- On that note, Mr. Rivers, when Ray Allen is on his way to a 51 point night and is literally making everything he throws up, you should probably run your offense through him instead of Paul Pierce. And you should absolutely let him take the final shot instead of drawing up a play for Rajon Rondo who was 4-17 and can’t score if he’s further than 8 feet from the basket
- Oh and Mr. Del Negro, Derrick Rose got to the rim at will this series and positive things happened about 70% of the times he drove, so maybe just spread the floor and let him work instead of running Gordon, Salmons and Kirk Hinrich off screens as your primary offensive set
- Also, Vinny, Tyrus Thomas hit a slew of big jumpers in game 1, including the eventual game winner, and had 6 blocks in game 2. Barely playing him in the next 5 games may not have been the best decision
- In the end, this series produced a several great moments, the large majority of which should never have happened had competent coaches been involved. The games weren’t particularly well played, they were just all close. Just because these close games produced a ton of fun highlights doesn’t mean it was a great series, it really doesn’t
- I also had a point about how sports fans now care more about highlights than the entire package, i.e. the rest of the game, being high quality. And how this has led us to anointing this series, in which ignorance was often the main reasons the games were close, as the best first round series of all-time. But that point seems a bit farfetched and rather ostentatious, so really it’s a good thing that I didn’t write about this series

And We Conclude with a Mini-Post of Sorts

Besides my own personal heart ache and horrible officiating, the NBA Playoffs are also known for running their sponsors commercials into the ground. Since the NBA Playoffs actually last an absurdly long time and since the same companies sponsor each round (and usually don’t have the courtesy to change their commercials), viewers are liable to see the same commercial tens-of-thousands of times. Below is a video of this year’s heir apparent to this horrific trend.

What exactly is the point of this commercial? Beyond keeping up Sprite’s name brand recognition? This is supposed to make me want to drink Sprite? Why would I drink something that makes people combust on impact? And why are people so thrilled to be getting drenched by this liquid? Forget for a moment that this downpour is the remnants of their friends. I think we can safely assume that the liquid that’s raining down on them is Sprite. So why again are they happy that Sprite if cascading down on them? If I were to get drenched by Sprite, I’d be extremely anger and sticky, not laughing and pumping my fist. And if this Sprite also happened to be the result of two of my friends spontaneously combusting then I’d be irreparably scared, both mentally and emotionally. This commercial makes my head hurt.

Until We Meet Again
* Damnit I’ve become a hippie. I’d just like to say eff you to all my friends here in town who did nothing to prevent this

Make a Narrative About Falling in Love in Pittsburg the Summer After You Graduate College and Everyone Will Love It

2009-04-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday night I saw Adventureland(this post may act as a pseudo-spoiler, you’ve been warned). The movie was relatively enjoyable (especially the fact that the discoteque the characters go to called Razzmatazz had a marquee that read: “A Sophisticated Meeting Place”. For some reason this absolutely killed me) and I left the theatre thinking the film was ok but nothing special. I also felt like the movie should have been better, but I often feel that with these types of films. And by these types of films I mean the slow moving, indie, coming-of-age-and-falling-in-love flicks that allow their soundtracks to do the heavy lifting for the plot and characters (See: Juno, Garden State, Igby Goes Down, etc.*)

When I got home I couldn’t sleep so I started reading some reviews of the film. I always read reviews in hindsight, whether it’s a music, book, film or any other sort of review. Before I see, read or listen to something all I need is a nice, concise rating to let me judge whether or not it might be worth my time. Reviews should always be read after the fact, I feel pretty strongly about this. Anyways, as I read multiple reviews, everyone seemed to really like this movie. This didn’t surprise, but the reasons everyone really liked it did. Countless reviews I read from several credible writers talked about how the film was extraordinarily ‘deep’ for a teen comedy, and how great it was that even the side characters all had their own heartache and trauma outside the main storyline. Now I’m not a film critic, but it seems that the nation’s critics unanimously decided that this film was layered with subtext that quite frankly didn’t exist.

I think the main reason for the critical praise this film is receiving is because the vast majority of American film critics graduated from or were in college around the time this film was made. Or at the very least they remember this time period enough to properly empathize with the characters. The characters in this film are the types of people that film critics want to be, i.e. hip kids who live their lives with a sort of confined wreckless abandon, smoke lots of pot and listen to Lou Reed and the Replacements. And in fairness, this type of carefree lifestyle, at least ideologically, does sound pretty great. So there’s that, but this film is also cleverly shallow.

Just about every review I read went out of its way to mention the complexity of the supporting characters and how they all had their own little story. On the surface, this is true. In most teen comedies the characters are just archetypes with no real depth. In Adeventureland these characters are still archetypes, but they also have effed up home lives! Literally every character in this film, including the main protagonists, have some sort of travesty going on in their family lives. However, none of this personal drama is ever really expounded upon, it’s just casually mentioned or hinted at, even in the main characters case. So really all these supposed subplots are little more than a cheap way to give your characters some perceived depth. When looked at analytically, this film is little more than some shallow, self-serving nostalgia for its writer/director Greg Mottola (also known as the guy who directed Superbad). And yet, just about every critic failed to see that, which in my mind, seems kind of obvious. I think this actually the first film I’ve ever seen that I actually liked less after I saw it because of the positive reviews I l read about it post-viewing.

In some ways, this film reminded me of Michael Chabon’s first novel The Mysteries of Pittsburgh. Now this novel is different from Adventureland, but they have several similarities. Both are set in Pittsburgh and follow the misadventures of a male hero in his first summer after graduating college in which he does nothing but party, fall in love and learn a little bit about himself along the way. Like Adventureland, I thought this book was marginally ok, yet it also received tons of critical acclaim. Perhaps American critics just have a soft spot for narratives that take place in Pennsylvania steel towns. Or maybe they’re just suckers for decently written coming of age stories. And maybe I’m just bitter because I’ve clearly never experienced this type of summer. Who really knows?

Until We Meet Again
* I’ve seen and enjoyed all the movies I just mentioned. F*ck

On the Radio

2009-04-08T23:31:00.000-07:00

My oldest brother recently moved to Washington D.C. and I inherited what was left of his car. Not that I really care, mainly since I got the car for free, but this thing is an absolute sh*t pile. If it actually does start it shakes so violently it's basically doing the automobile equivalence of a full body sneeze. Pretty much all the tread on the tires has worn off and neither of the driver side windows roll up (or down for that matter). This doesn't really bother me, since I've been driving old p.o.s. cars for the better part of my driving existence. The thing about this particular car that absolutely kills me is that my only audio option is to listen to the radio.

Now I don't mean to sound snobbish, but just about everything that's played on regular radio is absolutely terrible. Most of the time I just listen to talk radio on the AM stations, not that that's much better. What's really killer though is the commercials that are played on the radio. Obviously people's budget is gonna be the lowest for radio advertisement, yet the quality of these ads is still breathtakingly bad. There's one ad in particular that gets a reaction from me no matter how many times I hear it. The commercial is for a windshield replacement business called Safelight. Here's a brief paraphrasing of their ad:

(Man talking): "When something seems to good to be true, it probably is. Take my customer the other day who was at a carwash when this pushy guy came out of nowhere and told her she had to get her windshield replaced. He was really aggressive and even stooped to offering her free stuff to get her business.

Well that just didn't feel right to her. Chances are this guy wanted to make a quick buck and get out of town."

The ad then goes on to talk about how Safelight is the best and you should always get your windshield replaced by them or THE CONSEQUENCES COULD BE DIRE!!! Now the reason this commercial bugs me is not because it’s poorly done and highly unethical. It bugs me because of how improbable it is. The “Chances are this guy wanted to make a quick buck and get out of town” line wrecks me every time. Even though I’m driving alone every time I hear that line I look around puzzled and sometimes say “What?” aloud. I mean really? Make a quick buck and get out of town? What is this guy The Music Man of windshield repairs? Honestly, aren’t the days of rolling into town, sexing up librarians and bolting with a bag of cash long gone? And were those days ever even around for the windshield replacement industry?

I’m really not sure what the answers to any of these questions are. But what I really want to know is who is this commercial swaying? Are there really people out there listening to the radio in the middle of the afternoon with a broken windshield who’ve gotten burned by windshield replacement con men in the past who are just jumping for joy when they hear this ad, thinking “finally someone has realized my plight. I’m going to Safelight for all my windshield replacement needs from now on. I won’t be fooled again.” I mean this ad can’t possibly be effective right?

These, and several other questions like them*, are the ones I want answered.

Until We Meet Again
* Such as “What’s the success rate of ‘Missed Connections’ postings on Craigslist?”

I'm Just Another Sell Out

2009-03-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

I'm more or less broke and in an act of pure desperation I'm trying to make some money via my writing. so please click here to read my newest post. Thanks, but only if you clicked on the link.

Good night and good luck

Edit: Apparently I can't do simple html so just copy and paste this:
http://www.ehow.com/how_4871172_like-whats-going-mens-sweet.html

Who Am I Now?

2009-03-05T00:36:00.000-08:00

There seems to be a prevailing need in American society to define everything. We become very uneasy if something or someone can fit neatly into a box. Where all this comes from I have no idea, but looking back through time it seems that this need is less cultural and more something that we all share as human beings. The ancient Greeks came up with elaborate myths to try and explain why things are the way they are. Here in modern times, we have Dr. Phil and the E! Network to tell us about the world at large.

This phenomenon tends to reach its apex in high school, when everyone is defined by their social group, i.e. the jocks, the Goths, the rich girls, the wallflowers, the ruggedly handsome loner who comes out of nowhere senior year to date the best looking, most popular and remarkably complex girl in the school*, the stoners, etc. After high school such defining wanes considerably, although people still tend to be defined by their job or their family.

I recently read Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions, which for the most part deals with how most people tend to view themselves as characters in literature, a film, TV show, ect. Vonnegut believes this is a sort of illness that most of America suffers from. Not only do I think he's right, but I'd also count myself as among the victims of this epidemic. However I really don’t think my problem of identify with fictional characters is as fatal as Vonnegut makes it out to be. For the better part in my life I've often thought of myself as a character in some sort of narrative. I’ve also been known to try and make my life more like a fictional characters’. For the latter part of my high school career as well as my first few years of college I tried as hard as I could to be an elitist like John Cuasak in "High Fidelity"**. And who could forget the awkward few days I tried to be like Tyrone Slothrop. Thankfully for mine and humanities sake this didn’t pan out.

If you had asked me a few months ago when I was working 50+ hours between two jobs, I would have told you that my life was all too closely resembling the Loverboy song Working for the Weekend (a song I’ve always kinda liked, but never one I wanted to model my life after.) Now in moments of reflection I see that my life closely resembles a lead character in a Walker Percy novel. Only I don’t have the money, grandiose existential adventure, southern culture and two-dimensional sex icon/savior figure female character.

So really my life is nothing like a Walker Percy protagonist. I guess that means I am nothing…

Until We Meet Again

** Or maybe that’s only in John Hughes and Cameron Crowe movies
* 85% of cases of men trying to be fictional characters involve John Cusack

I've Either Lost My Mind or Achieved Nirvana

2009-02-18T02:37:00.000-08:00

This was far to difficult to format at this ungodly hour, especially since I have little to no html knowledge. Read my newest blog here

Andy Roddick, Bruce!, Disabled Students and You

2009-02-06T13:04:00.000-08:00

Right before the Superbowl I wanted to write a post that was a blatant rip off of Tim Keown's The List articles that runs weekly on espn.com. If you’re unfamiliar with this column, you’re missing out. It’s one of my very favorite on the internet. He's an excellent writer who’s always funny and engaging and every so often there's a subtle hint of racism in his work. So more or less, he's exactly the type of writer I want to be. The List has a similar format each week in which Keown writes a few paragraphs on a certain issue in sports and then finishes the column with a List of other things going on in the sports world. This List is more or less a bunch of humorous one liners, which is probably why I like it so much.

Anyways, I was going to write about watching Andy Roddick get destroyed by Roger Federer and how Roddick’s on the court meltdown was one of the best things I’ve ever seen. It happens every time they play, honestly. I think Roddick might be the most compelling person in sports, mainly because he actually comes off like an actual human being. I was going to write about how Roddick arguing with the center judge to divert his own attention from the ass-whipping he was receiving was so relatable, since I myself have done similar things in sporting events/real life. I had all sorts of things to say about it, but I never found time to write it before the weekend. And then Federer and Nadal had another classic match (which I watched until I fell asleep a set and half in) and then there was the Superbowl and it no longer seemed relevant.

So instead you’re just going get this post which gives a nice synopsis of Keown’s list column and brief outline of my thoughts on Andy Roddick. I’ve also decided to include a few other thoughts that have been bumping around in my head. Enjoy:

- You put down them chicken fingers and listen up, ‘cause your life’s about to change: One part of the Superbowl that I definitely undersold in the moment was Bruce Springsteen's half time show. I was still crushed due to the James Harrison TAINT and thus couldn't fully appreciate the Boss's show. In retrospect though, his performance was really something. He was so enthusiastic and earnest, it's like he legitimately thought he could rock America right out of this recession. Every time I watch or listen to Bruce I think he's either the least self-aware man of all-time or he's a so self-aware that his entire act is some kind of highbrow parody of blue collar rock n’ roll. The truth, as it always does, probably lies somewhere in the middle of those two extremes. I love him either way.

- I guess sometimes things are too obvious: Somehow music critics have failed to mention that Animal Collective's universally hailed Merriweather Post Pavilion sounds a lot more like a Panda Bear record than an Animal Collective album. I personally prefer Panda Bear’s stuff to Animal Collective, so I’m more than ok with it, just think it warrants mentioning that no one is talking about this. My apologizes to anyone reading who’s never heard of either of those bands, just let me assure you that they exist and I’m not speaking in gibberish.

- On a similar note: I recently saw The Wrestler and it was as soul crushing and brilliant as everyone’s been saying it is. I was also thrilled that Aronofsky's trusted his audience enough to get the films point, obvious as it may have been. He practically filmed this thing like it was a documentary. He just got out of the story’s way and doesn't try to influence how the audience interprets it in anyway. It was a very nice and refreshing change to see a director do this.

- The future of Lost: Is it also its past?*:
(***WARNING!!!! Pseudo-Lost Spoiler Alert***)
So I finally watched the first two episodes of Lost Season 5 and I’m continually flabbergasted by this show. The writers come up with some of the most amazing concept, but don’t know how to their strengths. For the last time, just focus on the overarching story line, that’s easily the strongest part of your show. Please stop trying to make me care about the poorly written emotional plights of your two dimensional characters (Unless it’s Desmond). And lastly, if you’re gonna be a full-blow time travel show, at least have the decency to make some Back to the Future allusions. Also, if you’re trying to make a realistic time travel show, don’t explain the rules to us and then provide your loophole to said rules five minutes later. That’s just embarrassing for everyone involved.
(***Pseudo-Lost Spoiler Alert Over***)

- At times, this world is too much for me: So I was recently taking a test at a community college where I encountered sign in front of an office door that read:

Welcome to Disabled Students Resources: Your “I Will” is more important than your “IQ”

Turns out this sign was serious and this was a legitimate department. I’m still not really sure why IQ was in quotations, yet I digress. All unintentional comedy aside, I did see 3 people working inside this tiny office. Now I don’t want to come off as insensitive, but maybe the reason this state’s education is it such disarray and forced to make astronomical budget cuts is because they spend their money on things like 3 full-time employees for a Disable Student Resource department on a remote satellite campus of a community college. But then again, what do I know?

Until We Meet Again
* With apologizes to The Onion

Don't Look Back in Anger

2009-02-02T17:03:00.000-08:00

As I sit here the day after the Cardinals Super Bowl defeat sweating out an odd mixture of PBR, bratwurst, numerous kinds of buffalo wings and feeling so sore that it feels like I played in the game, I can't help but
think that as much as this loss stings in the short term, the lingering affects won't be that bad. Yes it was absolute gut-punch/kick to the groin loss. And sure I'll have to look away in every Super Bowl from now until the end of time when they show Harrison's interception return or Holmes's catch. And yes I'm sure I'll stay up countless nights wondering what would have happened if Fransico hadn't slipped thus setting up Holmes's catch and run that made it 1st and Goal. But even with all the what ifs, I still don't think this loss will have that much staying power.

In the end, the Steelers are a better team than the Cardinals. They'd probably win at least 65% of the times the two teams were to play. What hurts the most about this loss is that the Cardinals played a better game than the Steelers, they just didn't catch enough breaks to win. Yes the loss is going to hurt, but the total context of this loss is what's going to keep it from being truly tragic. Just look at the circumstances of how the Cardinals got here. Once we beat the Falcons in the first round, we were playing with the house's money. After the Jake Delhome game, this was officially the best Cardinals team of the modern era. The comeback win against the Eagles made this the best NFL season of my life and forever changed the way I'll watch Cardinals games. Thanks to that comeback, I'll no longer watch every Cardinals game certain they'll find a new and exciting way to blow it.

I'll now begrudgingly buy some NFC Championship gear, which will go great with my Phoenix Suns 1993 Western Conference Champions, all my UofA Final Four shirts from years other than 1997, etc. But I'm gonna feel a lot better looking at the Cardinals NFC Championship than the aforementioned fan gear because the Cardinals weren't suppose to get that far. There run to the Superbowl was wholly unexpected and exciting, thrilling, and any other cliché you wanna throw out there. It also distracted me from what appears to be the first UofA basketball team in my life time that won't be participating in March Madness. So yes this loss hurt, but in the end I can't really be that upset about it. And pitchers and catchers report in 14 days, which should provide a nice distraction for when the Cardinals management starts effing up this off-season.

Until We Meet Again

Brief Thoughts from Sunday

2009-01-20T16:34:00.000-08:00

I feel like I have to write something about the Cardinals historic victory on Sunday, but I'm especially pressed for time this week so I'll just list off a few brief observations from my Sunday spent in front of the TV watching football.

- The Cardinals game started better than I possibly could have imagined, and then the 2nd half started. The Eagles comeback played out exactly the way I thought the whole game would, i.e. Cardinals D unable to get off the field and Warner looking like he shat himself as the Eagles blitz him with apprx. 30 players each down. I should have know what was coming. Soon as the Eagles took the lead I felt sick to my stomach and I was certain the Cardinals were done. In fact I was upset at myself for allowing the Cardinals to sucker me in for the umpteenth time. And then something remarkable happened. For the first time in my life time, actually for the first time in anyone under the age of 61's life time, the Cardinals proceeded to not crumble in the face of adversity. They actually rolled with the punches and put together a remarkable game winning drive that seem to defy all logic. The Cardinals showed grit, determination and a good deal of testicular fortitude while holding on to the ball for 8 minutes as they drove down the field for their game winning touchdown. That drive went against everything the Cardinals have ever stood for and it was a microcosm of this entire post season run. It was the definition of clutch (damnit now I sound like Jason Whitlock). Forget all the hyperbolic media quotes about how amazing the Cardinals going to the Super Bowl is, what's truly remarkable is how the Cardinals got there, namely with that drive. I allowed myself to believe that the Cardinals could win Sundays game, but I never imagined they would have won it like they did. Now I normally hate the 2 weeks leading up to the Super Bowl and the ungodly amount of hype that comes with it, but this year I'm actually looking forward to it. I can't wait read all the overly done and poorly written profile and puff pieces, because this year they're going to be about MY team. Right now I'm so excited that I don't even care that they'll all be extremely redundant and be littered with phrases like "These are not your father's Cardinals", etc. Normally I avoid this type of journalism like the plague, but over the next to week's I'm going to devoured all of it. I plan on reading just about every word that is written about the Cardinals because a.) this has never happened and b.) it may never happen again. So I'm just going try to live in the moment and soak it all in.

- The AFC Championship game bored me to tears. Maybe it's because I was exhausted from rooting for the Cardinals or maybe it's because the Steelers were infinitely better than the Ravens (seriously if the Steelers could have punted effectively and if Swede would have caught that wide open touchdown pass then they would have won the game by 30+) but I could barely get into the game. Even when the Steelers were up 2 and the Ravens had the ball with under 6 minutes left, you knew that the Steelers were gonna stop them and close it out. The game just lacked any real excitement, except..

- For the hit at the end of the game on McGhee, which may have given me a concussion

- It's gotten to the point that I'm going to have to stop excepting samples all together just to avoid being in a Pizza Hut commercial. Between them and Howie Mendel, they're gonna make fools of this entire nation.

- CBS dubbed their inauguration coverage "Change & Challenge". How very astute. Apparently they chose that over "A Black President. WOW."

- Regardless of your feelings on said inauguration, let's all just be thankful that now 99% of Americans will go nearly 4 years without having an opinion on politics. So really it's a win-win for everyone.

- Perhaps my favorite moment on Sunday was when Jim Nantz said “Joe Flacco. Well it hasn’t been a shaky start…” after a Flacco incompletion. At that point in the game Flacco was 1-9 for 2 yards and had thrown and Interception. No, that’s not a shaky start at all, that’s an out and out train wreck. Or a quarterbacking abortion. But definitely not a shaky start.

- Since this country is about to be over saturated with Super Bowl coverage, I'm going to try an abstain from writing anything about it. However, I'd be remised if I didn't at least give a prediction for the Cardinals first ever Super Bowl. Now I have little to know football knowledge, although I was starting QB for my Pop Warner flag football team when I was 6, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. Anyhow, I think this is a terrible match up for the Cardinals. The Steelers have the cornerbacks to match up with Fitz, Boldin and CO. and they're front 7 is impossible to run against and to block for an extended period of time. Warner is going to get lit up. In fact there's a good chance he may get split it half, horror movie style, by a Pittsburg blitz. Unless Big Ben and the Steelers offense has a plethora of turnovers, I just don't see anyway that the Cardinals can win this game. In the end I suspect they'll lose by about 10, but the outcome of this game really doesn't matter. Because just by making it to the Super Bowl and by overcoming all the adversity they faced along the way this team has proven that, these are not your father's Cardinals.

Until We Meet Again

Growing Up Cardinal

2009-01-16T12:30:00.000-08:00

In Which I Try and Explain What It's Like to be a “Fan” of the Worst Run Franchise in Sports and How Their Surreal Rise to Prominence has Affected Me

(Edit. Note: I actually am a Cardinals fan. I didn't just jump on the bandwagon during the past two weeks and this isn't some frivolous attempt to be culturally relevant like Rick Riley's truly awful article on Beer Pong)

Webster describes a fan as “an enthusiastic devotee, follower, or admirer of a sport, past time, or celebrity, etc.”. When it comes to my fandom of the Arizona Wildcats, Phoenix Suns and the Arizona Diamondbacks, I feel like this description undersells my over-the-top, border line religious support of those teams. But as far as my NFL team, the Arizona Cardinals, is concern, well that's a different story. For most of my life I've lived in Arizona and I've been a follower of the Cardinals, which wasn't always easy considering 95% of our home games in the metal coffin known as Sun Devil Stadium used to be blackout on local TV because they never came close to selling out unless the Cowboys or 49ers were in town. I've always rooted for them over any other NFL team* and was generally rewarded for my support about 5 times per season. Now going back to Webster's definition, it's truly hard to admire such ineptitude, in fact to call the Cardinals inept seems like an insult to inept teams everywhere. I'm not being over-exaggerating here, after all The Cardinals have only had 2 winning seasons in my life time. In a league that's actually over active in promoting parity, such incompetence is truly something special. The Cards have raised the bar on how to run a franchise into the ground. You'd have to be a masochist to be an enthusiastic devotee of such a putrid team. So really the only part of Webster's dictionary that applies to me is “follower”. Yes I care about the team and have been let down so many times that I've lost count and have been desensitized over the years. Given the years of numbing defeats this team has dealt me then it's understandable why the Cardinals unprecedented playoff surge has felt more surreal than gratifying for me.

Quick tangent: I read an article from a Phoenix paper earlier this week about how the problem with the Cardinals these past 21 years wasn't their horrible owner Bill Bidwell being cheap, but it was the fact that Bidwell just didn't know how to win. WHAT!?!?!?!?! That’s the best excuse they could come up with? If by some chance it’s true that Bidwell didn't/doesn't know how to win, then how dumb is he? How did this guy make enough money to own an NFL team? I mean continuing to own an NFL team and not having a clue how to win makes about as much sense as me saying "Well I don't know how this whole stock market thing works, but I'm gonna pour a lot of money into anyway", and doing that for 21 straight years. I mean this is truly unbelievable. Even if it was true at the beginning of his tenure, don't you think he would have figured something out in his 21 straight years on the job? I mean honestly, this was one of the sh*ttiest articles I've ever read. I would have found it more believable if you had told me that the reason the Cardinals were so bad these last two decades was because Bidwell's mom was sick so he couldn't fully concentrate on running the team. I’m honestly, it’s great that the Cardinals are finally winning, but let’s not rewrite history here and try and portray Bidwell as anything but one of the worst and most frugal owners in sports history.
Ok, tangent over.

Anyhow, I still don't fully believe that the Cardinals are playing in, let alone hosting, the NFC Championship game. For starters, this is a team whose greatest accomplishments are finding new and interesting ways to lose games (and ending Steve Young's career). Some sports teams, like the championship era Yankees or Cowboys always found miraculous ways to comeback and win the seemingly unwinnable games. Since moving to Arizona in 1988, the Cardinals have done the exact opposite. They’re practically the antithesis of those aforementioned dynasties. Even last week as Jake Delhome was submitting the worst playoff performance of all-time**, I still never felt comfortable until there was about 3 minutes left in the game. Only then could I relax and actually allow myself to think that the Cardinals would win.

For the past 5 days I've been trying to come up with an analogy of what the Cardinals improbable run to the NFC Championship game has been like. Here's the best I could come up with: Imagine you had a close relative, for this example's sake will say a cousin, who's roughly the same age as you but has always been a colossal f*ck up. By the time he was 10 he was already smoking cigarettes and getting into fights at school. When he was 13 he go drunk on Thanksgiving and challenged your dad to a fistfight. A few years later during Christmas Dinner he left the table and went and took a dump in your living room. Since then he's been in and out of rehab and every time it looks like he just might be clean, he relapses, generally in the most public and embarrassing of fashions. And no matter how sad, upsetting, obnoxious, and all in all hopeless he may seem, you still care about him and keep tabs on him because he's family. Then one day, without any warning, he's out of rehab for the umpteenth time and doing great. You're expecting him to relapse at any moment, but it looks like he may actually have his life together. And now he's written a book, and Oprah just selected it for her book club. He's the talk of the literary world, he's doing the talk show circuit and all that jazz. This whole time as you're watching from a distance you’re incredibly proud of him, and yet at the same time you’re thinking “that's the same guy who took a dump in my living room a few Christmases ago”

(Note: This analogy is wholly fiction. As far as I know this describes no one in my family. immediate or otherwise.)

And that's what it's like right now to be an Arizona Cardinals fan. You're proud, amazed and yet complete bewildered because it goes against everything you've ever known about the Cardinals. Regardless of what happens Sunday, this has been the best Cardinals season of my life time. I suspect they'll probably lose by 10ish, but then again I thought that about the last two games. In fact, I feel like the Cardinals will lose by about 10 in 95% of the games they play, but that's neither here nor there. So, um, go Cards.

Until We Meet Again
* With the exception of few years in which I was a young child and allowed my father and older brother to influence me and I rooted for the New York football Giants and Dallas Cowboys over the home town Cardinals. What can I say, but 'when I was child I reasoned like a child', etc.
** That might actually be an understatement. Calling it the worst performance of all-time doesn't fully capture how truly sh*tty Delhome was.

The Problem with Jane Austen, Women in General and (to a lesser extent) Humanity as a Whole

2009-01-07T16:37:00.000-08:00

(Ed. Note: All stats presented here are based on conjecture, guestimation or complete fabrication.)

So the other day I was facebook chatting (which I'm told is very impersonal) with a female friend of mine and I noticed that her "status" said something to the effect of 'of all the men Jane Austen wrote about, Mr. Darcy is the one I most love'. Now it was probably worded more articulately and more clever than that, but you get the general sentiment. This of course got me thinking about Jane Austen* and Mr. Darcy (or all the male character she's ever written, since they're all essentially some variation of the same two dudes). And while my mind was wondering I came to the realization that Mr. Darcy is primarily responsible for 92% of the heartache suffered by literate women and men (or women) who pursue literate women.

As you've probably guessed, this all boils down to unrealistic expectations. I realize this has already been covered by a multitude of people, done best by Chuck Klosterman in his essay "This is Emo", so with that in mind I'll keep my observations brief and at the very least try to add something new to the discussion.

Anyhow, my beef with Mr. Darcy and Ms. Austen is as follows: The character of Fitzwilliam Darcy is complete and utter bullsh*t. Here's a man who changes from a grade A, narcissistic prick to the most loving, selfless, kindhearted human being not name Jesus or Gandhi to ever exist in the matter of a couple hundred pages. And what brings about this dramatic transformation? Well, he was verbally 'put in his place' by some poor girl with a presumably alcoholic father and a floozy of a mother. This is probably the most unbuyable character development/transformation of all time. People don't change that dramatically, ever, regardless of the century or locale. Generally speaking, if people change at all it's a slow, strenuous process and it usually takes a few years before any of the said changes become even remotely apparent to other people. Change is never this dramatic or this rapid. But it's not just the speed of the change that is so unrealistic.

As the reader, or viewer, for those of you who just saw the movie adaptation, we're suppose to believe that this rich, arrogant guy changed his personality entirely in order to woo and then marry some attractive poor girl who delivers quick one-liners and has a highly volatile family No guy has ever changed this much for a girl. In fact, no where in recorded history will you see a man changed half this much for a girl or anything else. 98 out of 100 times that a guy changes for a girl he does so in order to sleep with her** and once he has done that the changes quickly wane or disappear completely. Not even true love could dictate such a dramatic transformation, especially not in Victorian era England.

By writing a character as unrealistic as Mr. Darcy, Jane Austen is setting up women and ,based on her own history, herself, up for failure. Since Ms. Austen is a very good writer, literate girls all across the globe are now convinced that men actually can change. She essetenially ruined girls perceptions of men the same way Garden State ruined the Shins. All the Shins wanted was to be another indie rock band out of the Pacific Northwest with clever lyrics and catchy guitar hooks. Then Garden State came around and all of a sudden they're suppose to be some life changing band that gives you a deeper understanding of life and an instant connection with girls like Natalie Portman. I mean who can live up to such expectations? I'm fully convinced that Garden State is wholly responsible for there being only 3-4 good songs on the last Shins album. Likewise, Austen is wholly responsible for women thinking that men actually have the ability to change. And all the while men are trying to make these dramatic, wholesale changes in under to gain favor with women. They always fall short, it'd be impossible for us not to. The whole things is just one giant circle of unfulfilled expectations and disappointment for both parties. And it never ends well. In fact it can only end with mountains upon mountains of compromised by everyone involved.

And that's why you should never read or associate with those who read Jane Austen. And if you have children, advice them to do the same. She is, intentionally or otherwise, pure evil.

Until We Meet Again
* Whom I have read. What do you want from me? I was in 8th grade, home schooled and my Jane Austen loving mother made my curriculum. I literally had no choice.
** Maybe once out of 100 times the changes actually stick, the other time the guy changes and then realizes he's gay

Top 101 Songs of 2008

2008-12-18T23:43:00.001-08:00

So this is my top songs of the year list. In an effort to keep things brief I'm not going to have any real introduction, nor will I be commenting on every song. This list will look a lot longer than it will read. The songs are in descending order, with the artists name first, followed by the song title. The title of the LP or EP that the song is on will be next to the song in parenthesis. Let' quit the foreplay and get right into the list.

101 The Legends - Seconds Away (Seconds Away Single): I love this band and this song, but who played “Loveless” for these guys? Sure now they'll expand their musical horizons, but I selfishly just wanted them to make pop music the rest of their career.

100 Aimee Mann - Freeway (@#%&*! Smilers)

99 Pacific! - Hot Lips (Pacific!)

98 The Tallest Man on Earth - Shallow Graves (Shallow Graves): If you can get by the voice, which requires more work than I usually care for, the payoff of TTMoE is really quite exceptional.

97 Dr. Dog - From (Fate)

96 The Morning Benders - I Was Wrong (Talking Through Tin Cans)

95 Wild Sweet Orange - Tilt (We Have Cause to Be Uneasy): No matter how much my musical tastes ‘grow and mature’, it's good to know that I'm still a sucker for a straight up emo rocker

94 Youth Group - Good Time (The Night is Ours)

93 This is Ivy League - The Richest Kids in Town (This is Ivy League): Belle and Sebastian have to be getting some sort of kickback for this song right? And while the
song is a blatant B & S rip, it doesn't try to hide it, which is why it’s so good.

92 The Republic of Tigers - Buildings and Mountains (Keep Color)

91 Young Jeezy - My President [feat. Nas] (The Recession): I like to think that the Commander and Chief to be was kinda of embarrassed by this song until the 3 minute mark hit and then Nas showed up and started wrecking sh*t. Then he was probably pretty ok with it and how a good deal of gratitude towards Young Jeezy and hip hop in general.

90 Sleeping States – Rivers (Old Vs. New)

89 Neil Halstead - Baby, I Grew You A Beard (Oh! Mighty Engine): Easily the best song title of the year, although I'm slightly biased.

88 Oh No! Oh My! - Go to Work (Dmitrij Dmitrij)

87 The Rosebuds - Bow to the Middle (Life Like)

86 Coldplay - Viva La Vida (): Violently overplayed? Yes. Still great despite the overplaying and Chris Martin's mildly-retarded dancing in the video? Yes

85 Throw Me the Statue - Lolita (Moonbeams)

84 The Killers - Losing Touch (Day and Age): You know I really don't care if this song is goofy and if the verses sound vaguely like a Huey Lewis and the News song. That's not gonna stop me from liking it and singing the chorus a little too passionately when listening to it while driving by myself.

83 T.I. - Live Your Life [feat. Rhiana] (Paper Trail): Pitchfork pretty much nailed this song in the write up they had for their best songs list. I'm still not sure how the Numa Numa sample doesn't completely discredit this song.

82 Eef Barzely - Apocalyptic Friend (Lose Big)

81 Jonathan Richman - Our Drab Ways (Because Her Beauty is Raw and Wild): Probably the best cultural send up of Christianity evah!

80 Estelle - American Boy [feat Kanye West] (Shine): This song is a disease. Anytime I hear a snippet of it or even if someone mentions it, it'll be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Thankfully it's a terrific song, but like all addictions, such as nicotine, I have a feeling that the long-lasting effects could be hazardous to my health.

79 Josh Rouse - Easy Street (Bedroom Classics Vol. 3)

78 Solange - I Decided (Sol-Angel and the Hadley St. Dreams): I think that my love for this song officially makes me the Knowles sisters, or at least their handler's, b*tch.

77 Silver Jews - What Could Not But Could Be If (Look Out Mountain, Lookout Sea)

76 Chairlift - Bruises (Does You Inspire You): Also known as the song from the melting Ipod Nano commercial. Just be warned, the rest of this album is really, really bad.

75 The Submarines - You, Me and the Bourgeoisie (Honeysuckle Weeks): Also known as the song that's now in every Iphone commercial. Not only is the song slightly better then the one right above it, but the album it's on is actually quite good as well.

74 Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire (Only By Night): I love this song. It's so unironic that I actually think that's how it's ironic. Not that that really makes sense...

73 Gnarles Barkley - Who's Gonna Save My Soul (The Odd Couple): While the song is pretty great, it's mainly up this high on my list because of its amazing video.

72 Love as Laughter - Don't Worry (Holy)

71 Starflyer 59 - I Love You Like a Little Bird (Dial M): Jason Martin and Co have been writing the same 3 songs for their entire career, and I love those 3 songs! This one is in the vein of "Feel In Love at 22" and roughly 85% of "Leaving Here a Stranger"
70 Plants and Animals - New Kind of Love (Parc Avenue)

69 Manchester Orchestra - I Can Feel a Hot One (Let My Pride Be What's Left Behind EP): See the line I wrote about “Tilt” by Wild Sweet Orange and change the word rocker with ballad and you'll know why I like this song. Although it's probably more British than emo, not that there's a huge difference between the two.

68 Phantom Planet - Raise the Dead (Raise the Dead): I never thought Phantom Planet could write a song this good, nor did I think I'd ever have to take them seriously as a band, but this whole album was pretty good.

67 Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin - Dead Right (Pershing): Not only is this the best, most surreal band name in sometime, but SSLYBY is also proficiently awesome.

66 Lil' Wayne - Mr. Carter [feat. Jay Z] (Carter III): When I present my semi-blasphemous case that Jay-Z is actually better as a guest rapper, this song will easily be my strongest argument.

65 Coner Oberst - NYC-Gone, Gone (Coner Oberst): I'm honestly a little disturbed by how much I liked about half of this album...

64 The National - Blank State (The Virginia EP)

63 Old 97's - No Baby I (Blame It On Gravity): Rhett Miller reasserts himself into my
Top 5 man crushes with this little diddy. And since it's Christmas time, check out the holiday single they put out last year "Here It Is, Christmas Time"

62 KaiserCartel - Dog Star (March Forth): One of my favorite things I did this year was listening to KaiserCartel's debut album and trying to count the number of times they blatantly ripped off other bands., I lost track about midway through the 3rd song. Who they’re ripping of here doesn’t mater because it’s really lovely all the way though.

61 I'm From Barcelona - Mingus (Who Killes Harry Houdini)

60 Margot and the Nuclear So and So's - Broadnipple is Burning (Not Animal)

59 Spiritualized - Baby I'm Just a Fool (Songs in A+E): Almost 8 minutes with no discernable tempo change and yet this song still grabs my attention every time.

58 Mirah - Lone Star (): Easily the best song making fun of Texas and its inhabitants written by a lesbian this year.

57 Tokyo Police Club - Graves (Elephant Shell): 2 LPs and 1 EP into their musical career and Tokyo Police Club has one song over the 3 minute mark (incidentally, it's not this one). Given their propensity for writing such short, catchy songs, I'm guessing they're gonna be the next 'break-through' indie band, since they write songs short enough that kids might actually listen to the whole thing. And by kids I mean me.

56 Okkervil River - Calling and Not Calling My Ex (Stand Ins)

55 James - Bubbles (Hey Ma): A surprisingly competent and underrated album from the first British band I ever gave my heart to. This opener is the highlight.

54 The Walkmen - Donde Esta La Playa (You and Me): Even though I lived 90 minutes from the border, I took French in high school because it was an easier class. So I don't know what this song's Spanish title is, although I'm pretty sure it's something like "Where is the beach". As far as I can tell, this song has absolutely nothing to do with the beach, nor does that really matter because this song is still great.

53 Mason Jennings - Going Back to New Orleans (In the Ever)

52 The Awkward Stage - Skeletal Blond (Slimming Mirrors, Flattering Lights): Not as good as his love song to “The Girls of Vivid Video”(that’s how he introduced the song when I saw him in concert): “Heaven is for Easy Girls”. But not a bad follow up either.

51 Hawksley Workman - Piano Blink [Los Manlicious Remix] (Between the Beautifuls)

50 Black Kids - I'm Making Eyes at You (Partie Traumatic): Best new song off the mildly disappointing Black Kids debut LP

49 Kanye West - Love Lockdown (808's and Heartbreaks): What more could possibly be said about this man and this song? Nothing. But do check out the mash-up of Love Lockdown and Radiohead’s Reckenor by DJ Earthworm

48 Say Hi - Zero to Love (The Wishes and the Glitch)

47 Okkervil River - Interview with Bruce Wayne Campbell... (The Stand Ins): If you ever think you’re having a sh*t day, Wikipedia the subject of this song. But do so cautiously

46 The Grand Archives - Sleep Driving (The Grand Archives)

45 Frighten Rabbits - Keep Yourself Warm (The Midnight Organ Fight): Frighten Rabbits sound like a combination of Coldplay and the Proclaimers. On paper this sounds atrocious. In actuality, I can’t stop listening to this album. Guess that’s why they play the games eh?

44 Cut Copy - Feel the Love (In Ghost Colours)

43 Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal (Fleet Foxes)

42 Sigur Ros - Festival (Med Sud I Eyrum Vid Spilum Endalaust )

41 Murs - Better Than the Best (Better Than the Best Single): Mur’s mainstream debut album was very disappointing. And I still not sure why this song, his best since the entire “Murs 3:16: 9th Edition” album, wasn’t on that album

40 Blitzen Trapper - Furr (Furr): As you might have already noticed from this list, it was a big year for title tracks.

39 M83 - Kim & Jessie (Saturdays = Youth)

38 Jonathan Richman - Because Her Beauty is Raw and Wild (Because Her Beauty is
Raw and Wild): And now it's time for a list inside a list. Allow me to introduce to you: “The Problems with writing you 'best of' albums list on a e-mail at work” by Calvin Paradise:

1. The moral and ethical issues it raises and blah blah blah, etc.
2. Two sentences reviews for certain albums.
3. Nonsensical reviews that have little to do with the actual album.
4. You forget about Jonathan Richman's amazing album that was definitely ahead of at least 3-4 albums you actually put on your list.
5. Neck pain from constantly looking over your shoulder to make sure your boss isn't coming around the corner.
6. The terrible Christmas music they were playing while I wrote the list. Did you know there's a song about only wanting a Hippo for Christmas? As Christmas music wasn't painful and terrible enough...

37 Girl Talk - Still Here (Feed the Animals): While this album should be viewed as one, single unit, this was my favorite track, and I felt like “Feed the Animals” needed some representation on my top songs list.

36 Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream (Walking On a Dream): Sounds a lot like MGMT, minus the paint splattered everything and the scarves worn by them and their fans (MGMT that is).

35 The Notwists - Boneless (The Devil, You and Me)

34 Atmosphere - You (When Life Gives You Lemmons...): Still haven’t figured out how Atmosphere’s free album “Strictly Leakage” was miles better then the actually album he put out for sale this year. This song however is great.

33 French Kicks - Said So What (Swimming)

32 Albert Hammond Jr. - Feed Me Jack or How I Learned to Stop Caring and Love Peter
Sellers (Coma Te Llama?): 2nd best song title of the year

31 She & Him - Sentimental Heart (Volume 1)

30 The Killers - Human (Day and Age): Um, yeah

29 The Dodos - Undeclared (Visiter)

28 MGMT - Kids (Oracular Spectacular): I dare you to listen to this song and try not to dance. I effing dare you

27 Crooker Fingers - What Never Comes (Forfeit/Fortune)

26 Chad Van Gaalen - Willow Tree (Soft Airplane): At one point I thought this might be my favorite track of the year, then I played it daily for a few months straight and now I can’t listen to it anymore. So it’s safe to say I can’t accurately judge this song.

25 Hayden - The Van Song (In Fields and in Town)

24 The BPA - Toe Jam [feat. David Byrne and Dizzie Rascal] (Stanton Sessions, Vol. 3): Apparently BPA is the guy from Fat Boy Slim. I had no idea he could be part of song this awesome

23 Lil' Wayne - La La [feat. Brisco and David Banner] (Carter III): The best showcase for Weezy’s incredible lyrics.

22 Destroyer - Blue Flower/Blue Flame (Trouble in Dreams): He’s like the white, Canadian, Lil’ Wayne. Only with entirely different music and better lyrics…

21 David Byrne and Brian Eno - Life is Long (Everything That Happens Will Happen)

20 Stephen Malkamus - We Can't Help You Out (Real Emotional Trash): I really wish Malkamus would right more straight forward pop songs like this.

19 Cloud Cult - Love You All (Feel Good Ghosts): I kinda have a thing for vecoders

18 The Notwists - Good Lies (The Devil, You and Me)

17 Vampire Weekend - Walcott (Vampire Weekend): For all the hype, overplaying and general overexposure that plagued Vampire Weekend, this song somehow ceased to be affected by any of it. No matter how many times I listen to it I still get caught slightly off guard, and a little giddy, by the cursing in the songs bridge.

16 The Dodos - Winter (Visiter)

15 Crooked Fingers -Your Control [feat. Neko Case] (Forfeit/Fortune): Neko Case’s cameo steals this song, but it’s Eric Bachmann’s lyrics that make it so enjoyable upon further listens.

14 Blind Pilot - 3 Rounds and a Sound (3 Rounds and a Sound)

13 Devotchka - The Clockwise Witness (A Mad and Faithful Telling)

12 French Kicks - Abandon (Swimming): No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to find a guitar riff better than the opening one on this song.

11 Spiritualized - Borrowed Your Gun (Songs in A+E): As far as unintentional anthems go, this one hits pretty close to home for me. The gun being a metaphorical one of course…

10 Magnetic Fields - Too Drunk to Dream (Distortion): I really didn’t care too much for the Stephen Merrit’s take on the Jesus and Mary Chain, nor do I care too much for the Jesus and Mary Chain, but that’s a story for another day (or never). This song however captures everything Merrit does so well as a song writer. It’s also perfect tongue and cheek and semi-moving.

09 Wolf Parade - Language City (At Mount Zoomer): The new Wolf Parade album was probably the biggest letdown of the year for me. It wasn’t necessarily a bad record; it just wasn’t nearly as good as I had hoped it would be. This song however, is everything I’d ever want in a Wolf Parade song.

08 MGMT - Time To Pretend (Oracular Spectacular): Two songs does not an album make, but this one and Kids sure come close to making Oracular Spectacular a terrific album.

07 Blind Pilot - Story I Heard (3 Rounds and a Sound): In my top albums list I talked about how I feel like Blind Pilot was created just for me. This song and the title track are what’s really driving home that notion in my head.

06 She & Him - Change is Hard (Volume #1): Every time I listen to this album I can’t help but think that this was all a publicity stunt by Mr. Ward and Ms. Deschanel. And in spite of that I can’t help but fall in love with this song every time. Just an amazing piece of music.

05 Bon Iver - Skinny Love (For Emma, Forever Ago): So there’s some debate about whether this album came out in ’07 or ’08. Apparently it was self-released in 2007, then Jagjaguwar signed him and distributed it this year. I wasn’t cool enough to hear this last year when it was self-released, so it makes my list this year.

04 Okkervil River - Lost Coastlines (The Stand Ins): An anti-sailing song that somehow further romanticizes the notion of sailing, the ocean, etc. I’m not sure how Will Sheff does it, but he’s real damn good at whatever it is he does.

03 Destroyer - Foam Hands (Trouble in Dreams): I first heard this song and December of last year and I played it constantly well into last May. I’m not sure which part I like better, the Kelly Clarkson reference or the whistling outro.

02 Fleet Foxes - So Long to the Headstrong (Sun Giant EP): One of the reasons the Fleet Foxes self-titled debut wasn’t high on my albums list is that eve though it’s very, very good, it never has a moment that touches this one. Pretty much just a perfect song.

01 Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago (For Emma, Forever Ago): I just recently learned that Emma was the middle name of Bon Iver, real name Justin Vernon, high school sweet heart who he never got over. I feel like that should somehow affect how I listen to this song, but it doesn’t. This song is beautiful through and through and officially makes 2008 the year of the title track.

Until We Meet Again

Top 15 Albums of 2008

2008-12-11T16:55:00.000-08:00

I first started writing this blog because I wanted to be a journalist and I figured this would help me hone my writing skills. I no longer have any aspirations involving journalism, yet I keep writing for reasons mostly unknown and nonsensical. And anyone who actually read my blog back then knows that the only difference between then and now is that now I have a wider range of authors whose style I try and emulate. Likewise, I first started compiling 'best of' music lists to improve my writing and to show people how awesome my musical taste was. I now realize that I make people aware of my musical tastes whether or not they read my year end lists. Mainly because I'm a loud, obnoxious blowhard when it comes to music*. Yet I digress.

This year I made a conscious decision to be more analytical in my actual life and less analytical in the “arts” that I encounter. Why do this you ask, well I felt like there wasn't enough duality in my life. Actually that's not true, mainly I just figured that if I liked something I shouldn't have to justify it to myself. So for the first time ever this list is wholly made up of my favorite records of the year. In years past I'd allow my inner music critic to take over and I’d put albums I thought were better ahead of albums I liked more. So in turning over this new leaf I'll start with the honorable mentions and go from their.

Honorable Mention
Plants and Animals - Parc Avenue
Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin - Pershing
Paavoharju - Laulu Laakson Kukista (Not a made up band or album, their just Finnish)
Crooked Fingers - Forfeit/Fortune

15. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend: A very solid album whose charm dissipates upon multiple listens. There are still some amazing highlights off this album though whose awesomeness haven’t weaned over time.

14. French Kicks - Swimming: I'm not sure why I like this French Kicks album better than there older stuff, perhaps it's because they sound more relax, more sure off themselves. It as if they're no longer concerned with trying to save the world by rocking and now they just wanna play good music. I actually can't explain why I like this album so much, but hopefully my ambiguity covered that up...

13. Hayden - In Field and Town: As I grow older I've found that my fantasies are becoming more and more grounded in reality. Where as a teenager I dreamed of being an me exceedingly rich multi-media celebrity which would allow me to bed any and every beautiful woman on the planet. Now my daydreams consist of a day off work where it's breezy and I have no responsibilities and can just sit and read in the shade. If such a day ever arrives, this album will be the soundtrack to it. Never did I imagine myself being this boring and neutered at the age of 23.

12. Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes: This album/band answers the age old question of what it would sound like if Fleetwood Mac and the Beach Boys had a musical love child. The Answer: F*cking Awesome

11. The Notwists - The Devil You, and Me: I feel like this album is made a lot better by the fact that it's the Notwists first album in over 6 years. Such distance between records is sure to augment it one way or the other. Luckily for the Notwists, the break plays in there favor. And since I have nothing else to say I’ll allow avid reader and musical enthusiast Marko Wilson to give a one word review of this album:

“Catchier”

10.The Walkmen - You and Me: Anyone who read my blog back when I was living in Chicago knows how truly miserable I was during the 6 month long winter there. This album, oddly enough, makes me miss those winters. The whole thing sounds like a soundtrack to those dark, bleak and freezing months. If I were still living there I can guarantee this album would have been one of my 3 favorite to come out this year.

9. The Dodos - Visiter: Every so often I feel as if an album is made with me specifically in mind. This is one of those records. It's perfectly constructed alt. folk with a curveball thrown in, which pretty much describes anything I'd ever want in a record. What makes this record better so many similar ones, like the over-hyped Department of Eagles LP, is their use of percussion and harmonies. Considering the album is almost entirely acoustic, it's very unique and awesome to hear the drums and bass lines up so high in the mix.

8. Lil Wayne - Carter III: I've gone back in forth on this album all year. Sometimes it sounds like the most brilliant, enjoyable music that's ever been put out. Other times it's so painfully obnoxious it makes me what to punch someone in the face. As of the time of writing this, it's the former. I'm currently amazed how Lil' Weezy raps the way jazz musicians play music.

7. Sigur Ros - Med Sud I Eurune Vid Spilum Endalaust (With a Buzz in Our Ears We Play Endlessly): This was easily the biggest surprise of the year in my mind. No so much that the album was as good as it is, though it is Sigur Ros most complete record, but what surprised me the most was how the album was so good. The fact that a band that's famous for making atmospheric post-rock and signing in a made up language could write such brilliant pop songs is really quite astounding. The best song on the album, Festival, does sound like a classic Sigur Ros song, but good portions of this album are borderline twee-pop. Even typing this I'm still flabbergasted that it works as well as it does.

6. Blind Pilot - 3 Rounds and a Sound: Speaking of album's that seem like they were made exclusively for me, I present Blind Pilot's debut LP. Much the same way boy bands were created out of the dreams and wishes of teenagers girls and gay men over the age of 40, so Blind Pilot was created for me. It's like Pandora and the Itunes Genius function combined powers, look through my musical collection and then gave birth to Blind Pilot based on all that data. And if that wasn't enough, they biked to every venue on their first tour, which is incredible awesome. There's nothing about this band and their stunningly beautiful music that I don't love.

5. Destroyer - Trouble in Dreams: Another great album by Destroyer which I undersell because it came out only two years after Rubies. If you like Destroyer you'll love this album. If you don't like Destroyer then there is probably something wrong with you. I also question whether or not you have the ability to truly love anything.

4. Okkervil River - The Stand Ins: This probably would have been my album of the year if were just a 4 song EP featuring: Lost Coastlines, Blue Tulips**, Calling and Not Calling My Ex and Interview with Bruce Wayne Campbell. That's not to the say the other 4 non-instrumental songs on this album are bad, quite the opposite in fact. Those songs main problem is the fact that they're paired with the aforementioned 'Big 4'. I also probably would have had this album higher if I hadn't played it for a 2 months straight followed by other members of my family playing it for two more months straight. That's a pretty good recipe right there for how to OD on an album.

3. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago: I'm sure I've written or talked about this analogy before in regards to other albums, but I don't really care. Bon Iver's debut album reminds me of the Shaq-Kobe Lakers teams that were a mini-dynasty at the beginning of this decade. You've got two iconic superstars: Skinny Love and the title track. And there surrounded by a slew of great role players, who don't necessarily stand out on their own, but they compliment the two superstars perfectly. I feel like this is the best possible explanation for this great album. And for those of you wondering, Flume is obviously ‘Big Shot’ Bob Horry in this analogy.

2. Girl Talk - Feed the Animals: Some people might frown upon Girl Talk's inclusion on this list, since none of this album is original material, it's all mash-ups. My justification, not that I feel like I need one (see the 2^nd paragraph of this post), is that while all the songs Gregg Gillis is using were originally other people's, they now belong to him. Much the same way as when Johnny Cash covers a song, it then becomes one of his songs^. Hurt is no longer a Trent Reznor or NIN song, it's a Cash song. I feel the exact same way about the music in Feed the Animals, anytime I hear a song that’s on here out of the context of this mash-up it feels foreign and wrong. And that's why this album is on this list, because even though he's breaking multiple copyright laws and getting sued out the a$$, the songs on this album now belong to Mr. Gillis. And they're all pretty damned amazing.

1. Spiritualized - Songs in A+E: What can I say about this album that I haven't already written or forcefully told people who didn't want to hear about it? I've been playing this record at least once a week for the past 6 months and I've yet to tire of it. The sum of its whole is better than the individual parts, which is a marking of any great album. I don't want to be hyperbolic, but Songs in A+E is pretty much perfect.

Until We Meet Again
* Context probably not necessary...
** Be sure to hit up youtube and check out Bon Iver's cover of this son
^ With the exception of his covers of Bridge of Troubled Water and In My Life and maybe one or two other songs I'm currently forgetting

A Guide to Year-End Music Lists

2008-12-05T16:26:00.000-08:00

Now that the holiday season is upon us the time has come for people to take a step back and examine the year that was. Magazines of all kinds will be coming out with their year end lists on music, films, tv shows, video games, etc. I'm a sucker for these types of lists, especially the music ones. So I've decided to create a guide to these year end music lists. I’ll start with the heavy hitters and work my way down the pedigree line, here goes:

Rolling Stone

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: Once the pinnacle of music magazines, Rolling Stones (RS) has declined significantly the past decade or so. The mag now seems more interested in politics and pop culture, music seems to have been put on the back burners. There list will be a great source of ridiculed by anyone who has an opinion on music.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
"RS is really out of touch with the musical world. That haven't been culturally relevant in years."
"I can't believe they put (insert any major label release that hasn't received acclaim from the likes of Pitchfork, Stereogum or Flux Blog) on their list. They don't know a damn thing about music."
"They obviously put (insert any indie album that'd made the cut) on there to try and up there street cred. Talk about pandering"

What the List Will Look Like: Any artist who was even remotely popular in the 60's, 70's or 80's that put out an album this year is pretty much assured to be on there. All sure fire top 40 hits (Britney Spears, Panic at the Disco!, etc.) will also make the list to show that they're not pretentious and can relate to the youth of America. Any pseduo-indie record that had any crossover success or received acclaim will be on there to show that they're still relevant. So pretty much all the pretentious sh*t people will say about this list will be true.

Pitchfork

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: The king of indie music and hipsterdom still has its crown, only now you'll be hard pressed to find anyone who admits to still reading this site. Their list is all but assured of being the most through and analytical of any on the market. It will also be the most condescending and pretentious list you could ever hope to find.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
"Man Pitchfork's writers are so pretentious and bitter. Who still reads that garbage?"
“This list was so heavy handed and preachy, reading it felt like going to church”
"They're all so caught in being trendsetters that they've forgotten why they liked music in the first place. Pretty much anything those guys write should be considered a conflict of interest" (If you say all this in order to any music snob they’ll enthusiastically nod their head in agreement and not question anything you say for at least 6 weeks)

What the List Will Look Like: The albums are subject to change, but their top 10 will included:

- Hard to listen to Noise-Rock band that tries too hard to sound like Sonic Youth and My Bloody Valentine, but doesn't have the pay off of either of those bands.
- Some sort of Euro-techno-dance pop
- Mainstream Hip-Hop to show how forward thinking they are (Most likely Lil' Wayne or Young Jeezy. Maybe both)
- TV on the Radio
- Any type of music that can be described as "an acquired taste"
- Absolutely no indie band that received any sort of crossover success, regardless of the album's merit.
- Some ambient, techno or trip-hop band with an obscenity in their title

Paste

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: Paste Magazine has always been like that friend of the opposite sex whom you grew up with and is madly in love with you. They're great as a friend, but you know that if you ever got seriously involved with them you'd be settling to the nth degree. Still that's not gonna stop you from hooking up with them when you're intoxicated at some holiday party, cause after all they're cute and unthreatening. As a critical magazine, Paste is cute, enjoyable and non-threatening, but not to be taken seriously. Paste's list will be very respectable, but it will also err on the safe side.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
"Paste had a pretty solid list, but I think they put (pick any album in their top 5 and you'll probably be safe) too high"

What the List Will Look Like: A whole lot like mine. The list will be safe and have every decent indie album that came out this year on it. And their top choice will be some sort of faux-controversial pick that no one will, you guessed it, take seriously.

Blender

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: This list will consist almost entirely of Billboard Top 40 music. The blurbs will be written by someone who’s either: moonlighting from Maxim or who's favorite song is "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends: Nothing, people with any opinion on music don't acknowledge Blender's existence

What the List Will Look Like: Itunes Top Downloads list circa October of this year.

NME or another British Magazine

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: That the words bloke, bloody, joskin, daft, cracker, lad(s), etc., will be used unironically

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
(If they dislike Brit Mags) “The list isn’t horrible, but (insert magazines name) is so obsessed with crowning the next Oasis that they overlook sooooo [overemphasized] much good music.”
(If they like Brit Mags) “Pretty good list. I wish American critics had this good of taste.”

What the List Will Look Like: These lists are sure to include: Any new band that sounds like Oasis. Oasis’ new album. And for reasons unknown, Kings of Leon will be in the top 5.

Until We Meet Again

There Are Things That We've Done That We Cannot Undo

2008-11-26T18:26:00.000-08:00

The title for this post is taken from the lyrics of one of my favorite Matt Pond PA songs: "New Hampshire". I've always loved this lyrics despite it's simplicity and (as you'll soon see) it seemed like an appropriate title. But as I began to dwell on this particular lyric, it started to bug me. I get what he's aiming for with this line, that there are certain things you do and say that you can't fix. But, analytically speaking, aren't all things that you do things that cannot be done? I'm mean you can obviously fix situations and apologize for what you said and/or done. But you're not undoing what you've already done, you're just fixing it. Think about how in every romantic comedy the main guy screws up and then spends the rest of the moving atoning for his mistake so that the girl will take him back. In the end she always does, but not because he undid whatever it was that made him lose her in the first place. He merely fixed the problem*. So really, when you think about it, this line is merely stating the obvious, with a degree of untruth in it. That said, I still like this line. I'm a dichotomous individual.

Anyhow, below are a few stories of things I've been apart of or witness that I wish had gone differently, i.e. Things that I've done (or saw) that I'd like to undo (get it?). Let's just move on to the stories before someone makes a "That Thing You Do" pun.

- Let's start with a little 3rd person perspective here. After Lute Olson retired, former recruit Brandon Jennings (goggle him if you don't know the whole story) was quoted in ESPN The Magazine saying "See, I don't look so dumb for not going to Arizona now do I". Actually Brandon you do. The only reason you're currently playing pro ball in Europe is because you couldn't get the SAT grade needed to qualify academically for the U of A. You took the test 3 times and only passed once and the one time you did pass you're score rose so dramatically that everyone was certain you had cheated. So you could only qualify academically by cheating. Considering you get over a third of the points needed to pass just by spelling your name correctly, I say you still look pretty dumb for not going to the U of A. Real effing dumb in fact.

- Ok so that first one had nothing to do with this blogs title, but that quotes been bugging me for awhile and I had to say something. The rest of these actually make sense. Hopefully

- So a few weeks ago I went to see the Crooked Fingers in concert (there music not for everyone, but I personally love them. Probably a little too much). Anyways they put on a tremendous show and all that jazz, but that's not what's important here. What's important is that through at the show I, and everyone I was with, including my sister in-law, kept on noting how beautiful the bassists/violinists/back up vocalist was. As the show began to build towards it's conclusion and while the euphoria was building inside of me, I decided that I was going to talk to her after the show. When the show ended we all went outside to catch are collective breath. As luck would have it, the band came out to meet there to meet their fans and stood about 5 feet away from us. Naturally I stood there frozen and avoided eye contact with the bassist at all costs. After a few minutes the bassist went back inside, walking towards the bar.
I figured this was my chance to seize the moment. I had it all planned out in my head. We meet at the bar, I'd buy her a drink and say something like: "Hi, my name's Calvin. I'm 23 and still live at home and have no plans for my future. I think you're music is rad.". Of course this was going to sweep her off her feet and she would fall head over heels in love with me, so my confidence was riding high. However, she ruined everything and passed the bar and stop at their merchandise table instead. I then chickened out an ducked into the bathroom instead of talking to her. As I stalled in the bathroom I began to regained my compuser. I told myself that I had to talk to her, if for no other reason then to prove to myself that I could do it. Triumphantly I exited the men's room and saw my muse packing up her equipment. So I went up to her and told her: “You guys put on a great show”. She turned around with a pick in her mouth and said thanks for coming out. I then tried to say “Yeah, you guys are great”. I got the first four words out fine, but instead of saying great, I said something “groat”. Mortified by my inability to speak I walked away, head hung low. And that’s why, you don’t fall in love with band chicks

- So I had more to write about, but I’m tired and lazy. Happy Thanksgiving All

Until We Meet Again
* The Back To the Future trilogy is an exception to this rule.

An Obamanation: A Fistfull of Thoughts on the Election

2008-11-06T16:45:00.000-08:00

So the election is finally over, and we have our first (sorta)* black President. Congratulations to Barrack Obama for becoming the Jackie Robinson of the Oval Office.

For those of you who were wondering, I did not vote. The thing is, I actually liked both these candidates before the election started. Then as the compromises started to build on both sides as November neared (I see you Palin), I started to just get sick of both of them. In the end the only reason I could think of to vote for one over the other had to do with the unabridged version of an essay written about McCain for Rolling Stone 8 years ago by a now dead alcoholic (DFW!). So in the end I didn't vote, because I believe you should actually have convictions, or at the very least some motivation, when you vote. Clearly I had neither.

I guess I'm happy for Barrack and I wish him the best of luck, although I highly doubt his Presidency is going to affect me in any real way. Mainly I'm just excited that this thing is over and all those boring people who decided they needed to have an opinion on everything over the past 6 months can go back to having nothing to talk about. What follows will be a brief rundown of my election day** and let me assure you that almost none of it has to do with actual politics.

- Let's get the political stuff out of the way. My favorite this year was 102, which here in Arizona was designed to define marriage as a union between a MAN and WOMAN. What exactly is the purpose of this prop? To make gay marriage even more illegal? I just don't understand this, although the ad campaign for Prop. 102 was pretty hilarious. Anyway, this prop. passed as did a similar one in California. Heterosexuals 1, Gays 0

- The majority of my day was spent at Starbucks, which was an absolute clusterf*ck. The company decided it would be a great idea to give out a free tall cup of coffee, and so the majority of my day looked like this:

Customer: Hey you guys are giving away free drinks to people who voted?
Me: Yeah you can get a free tall coffee, hot or iced.
Customer: What about Frappaccinos?
Me: Um, no. Like I just said a free tall cup of coffee, hot or iced?
Customer: Ah, what about an iced tea or a latte?
Me: Are you serious? I've told you twice in a row now what you get for free. Do I really need to say it a third time?
Customer: Besides the coffee, what else can I get for free?
Me: (Looking around for a blunt object to bludgeon myself with)

Repeat that exchange roughly 375 times and you have my day. I wish I was joking. Here's another exchange I frequently had with customers

Customer: Well my child voted today, can they have a free drink as well ?
Me: Yes, they can have free tall coffee, hot or iced.
Customer: But they're only a kid, they don't drink coffee...
Me: Well I'm sorry, but that's all I can do
Customer: That can't have a free Frappuccino or something?
Me: No, sorry.
Customer: But they're only a kid...
Me: Tell you what, how about I give your child a free pretend beverage of their choice for the pretend election they partook in today.

Ok well I never actually said that last part, but lord knows I wanted to. Now some of you make think I'm over exaggerating, let me assure you I am not. Or perhaps you think I'm a little too angry and cynical about this, but two days have passed since then and I'm still jarred by this whole experience. I can honestly say this was one of the worst days of work I've ever had.

- Another thing that happened to me at work was that I got yelled at by managers and customers alike for asking people who they voted for. Apparently this is taboo, because such information can occasionally cause heated arguments. I guess I can understand that, but then people kept going a step further and telling me that the information is private and very personal. Now this I can't understand. If you do something in a public place and then wear a sticker promoting that you did it, is that thing really that private? I don't know about you, but when something is private in my life, I certainly don't wear a sticker to promote this "private or personal" thing. People also generally don't put a bumper sticker on their car promoting something private. In fact, I go out of my way to keep private things private. There's a reason you don't see people wearing "I'm an alcoholic"*** or "I have marital problems" stickers. It's because these things are truly private, people want to keep them out of the public light. They also don't go around collecting free swag they get for something that's supposable highly private and personal.

- On a closing note, during a rare slow period in my day a woman came in decked out from head to toe in Obama gear. I sarcastically asked her who she was voting for, to which she replied:

"I voted for the man who's gonna change this country"

I sat there for a second debating whether or not to explain to this woman that our government is set up to run off a series of checks and balances, essentially negating the possibility that one person could actually change the country on their own. Instead I just stood there and said: "Wow". Now I'm not very intelligent by any meaning of the word, but the ignorance in this country is truly mind blowing at times.

This woman then proceed to haggle with me about whether or not she could get something other than a tall coffee for her free beverage.

God Bless America

Until We Meet Again
* Technically, dude's 1/6 black, that's all I'm saying.
** Or as some are calling it: Black Tuesday
*** Unless you're in AA

On Pants and the Future. And, Perhaps, the Future of Pants

2008-10-29T15:47:00.000-07:00

One quick housekeeping note before we begin. I’m still a wreck after U of A Basketball’s 9/11, i.e. Lute’s retirement and all the bs that has followed it. And, unfortunately for the 12 people who read my blog, I’m probably not done writing about it. My peeps and I have been compiling a mix for the Silver Fox (Lute Olson for those of you unschooled in U of A) and once it’s finished I’ll post full details on that. Also I’m sure I’ll have something to say on the inevitable bad hire Jim Livengood makes when hiring Lute’s replacement. But we’re going to put all that away for another day. Now, on to lighter topics:

Since the Simpsons have been on pretty much my entire life, it’s easy to forget just how ingenious the show is. It also doesn’t help the show is so heavily syndicated that it’s literally on 45 times a day. I was watching and old episode the other day and I’d forgotten about one of my all-time favorite Simpson’s moments. It in the episode where Krusty, doing standup comedy, goes on a rant about consumerism and commercialism and how it’s wrecking our society. To culminate his point he then pulls out a hundred dollar bill and lights it on fire. The rest of the crowd is so inspired they take their money out and start burning it as well. The next night Homer and his friends go back to hear Krusty talk again, Lenny explains that he brought a sac full of money just in case Krusty tells them to burn it again. Homer then remarks “I hope he tells us to burn our pants, these things are killing me.” As Krusty then comes out and the crowd is cheering, Homer then yells my favorite line of dialogue ever: “Don’t you hate pants?”

Of all the amazing social truths this show has touched on in its 20+ years on the air, this one hit home with me the most. I hate pants, about as passionately as a person can hate an article of clothing. Pants are like White Supremacists, they’re oppressive, restrictive and we’d all be better off without them around. Before we further deconstruct that last sentence, it’s time for a list that proves my point. Below is a list of the most comfortable undergarments a person can wear, in order of least to most comfortable:

7. Kahki’s/Dress Slacks
6. Jeans
5. Shorts
4. Pajama Pants
3. Cargo Shorts
2. Athletic Shorts
1. Boxers/Underwear

No one in their right man can possibly refute this list, with the possible exception of Pajama Pants inclusion or placement. Other than that though, the list is flawless. Which brings back to the Homer Simpson phrase that started me down this thought path “Don’t you hate pants?”. Honestly, you can’t tell me that you’re life wouldn’t be better if you didn’t have to wear pants. Or at the very least you were allowed to wear athletic shorts to work as oppose to chinos or some other type of dress pants. So in the spirit of election seasons, let’s all band together and make a pantless future a reality. Let’s just say no, to pants. YES WE CAN!!!!*

Until We Meet Again
* Since this is probably the only time I’ll reference or write about the election, have you ever heard of a more simplistic or ambiguous slogan for a campaign then “Yes We Can”? It reminds of a Spin City episode I saw forever and a day ago in which one of the character (no idea who it was and I’m too lazy to look it up) was staging a protest. He and all the other protesters are sort of half heartedly walking around chanting this run on sentence that is far too long to be effective. Another on of the shows main character then shows up, notes that their chant is too long and then starts a “Let’s go Mets” cheer. The crowd then bursts into life and joins in the “Lets go Mets” cheer. Police then immediately intervene and drag away the character who started the “Let’s go Mets” cheer, even though he wasn’t even part of the protest. This is what the “Yes We Can” slogan makes me think of.

Also, in the interest of equal exposure for both tickets, let me just say that if you actually need Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber to tell you that Obama’s tax plan is Socialistic, then you shouldn’t be allowed to vote in this or any election. God I hate this country.

Silent, Like a Whisper

2008-10-23T11:55:00.000-07:00

I was at work in the middle of the morning rush when I received multiple texts messages all telling me the same thing: Lute Olson had effectively retired as the coach of my Arizona Wildcats. Soon as I got off I made phone calls to people in the know who told me the exact same thing. I rushed home and checked ESPN which confirmed all of this. Lute was done and even though I was prepared for all of this by the ugliness that was last season, it still hurt.

First let me just say that I never thought I’d live to see the day when the Arizona Cardinals were the best thing going in the Arizona sports world. And now that I’ve jinxed them let’s move on to Lute.

I’ve always loved, defended to the death and respected Lute, even after he started to slowly lose it following the death of his wife Bobbi. As corny and unrealistic as it may sound, Lute’s always seemed like a Grandpa to me. I can honestly say that I care a great deal about him and his welfare despite never having actually met him. Lute is one of the greatest college coaches of all time, and despite the petty bickering that’s increased these past few years, he always seemed to do the right thing and have the best interest of others in mind.

My respect for Lute has actually grown through out this whole ordeal of the past few years. It’s obvious now that Lute never had any intention of returning to coaching when he took his leave of absence last year. The only reason he even came back momentarily was to save the program he gave his heart and soul to from falling apart entirely. He went out and got seemingly competent assistants to take over the program and stay around just long enough to hold on to a few recruits and veterans so that this years team will at least be respectable. The fact that he wasted 6 months out of his life just to hold this program together says all you need to know about this man’s character. Now the words from his final press conference (about how he’s tired and wishing he could take back his April press conference when he lambasted the local media) aren’t sweet and reassuring, they’ve now become sad and a little haunting. And yes I’m fully aware that this all maybe coming across as over dramatic, but this is honestly how I feel. You can insert you’re on joke about me caring too much about sports and not having a life here if you want

Lute, I know you won’t be reading this, but thank you. Thanks for everything you’ve done for this town and for me over the years. It pains me that this will be your epilogue. You truly deserved better, despite what that prick Greg Hansen probably thinks. For some reason all I can think of now is the Kent song “747” about a place crash from which I took the title of this post. I feel like that adequately sums up my feelings on this whole situation. Lute, I hope that you find happiness away from the game of basketball in whatever time you have left. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Until We Meet Again

Here I Am. Rock You Like a… Something Other Then a Hurricane

2008-10-01T22:14:00.000-07:00

Ok so I haven’t written anything in a few weeks, but that’s because I’ve been to busy rocking. Literally. Over the past two weeks I’ve been able to watch an amazing string of shows thanks to my going to San Diego Street Scene and thanks to some great bands traveling through Tucson on their way to Austin City Limits. Below is a list of all the bands I got to see as well as some brief comments from me about the show. So have fun with this or just ignore it since it’s something only I would enjoy reading.

Street Scene

Chester French

Likes: When it ended

Dislikes: Because I’ve done some growing up, I no longer hate people. In fact I try not to dwell on anyone long enough to even actively dislike them. However, I’ll make in exception to all this to both openly and actively hate the a--hole who fronts Chester French. I only saw this band because they were the first band playing at Street Scene and because the next two bands I wanted to see were playing on the same stage. I should have known what was coming when this douche took the stage and announced that “Today is all about grabbing boobs and tearing pubes out”. Not only was he dead serious, but he also thought it was really cool to say it. I could literally fill up 3-4 paragraphs as to why this guy is one of the bigger tools alive, but he’s probably got a proximity boner just knowing that someone in the world is actually talking about him, so I’ll stop now.

MGMT

Likes: Time to Pretend and Kids

Dislikes: No, I’m not the type of guy who sees bands just for their singles, but these were the only two songs by MGMT that I could remotely enjoy because of the audience. MGMT’s fanbase apparently consists of a bunch of young hipsters who have never been to a show before. There was bandanas and faux-Days of Thunder sunglasses as far as the eye. I, who am by no stretch of the imagination a small individual, got trampled during this show just because these young f*cks had no idea what to do at a concert. It was pretty embarrassing for everyone involved.

New Pornographers

Likes: I’ve seen the New Pornographers 3 times before and they’re always amazingly tight and together for everyone of their shows. This show was no exception.

Dislikes: The absence of band mates Neko Case and Dan Bejar, my two favorite members of New Prono’s. A.C. Newman’s topical political commentary. Shocking as this maybe to some of you, I didn’t go see the New Pornographers took learn the political takes of some Canadian band’s lead singer. The only time any band should announce their political leanings is if they’re playing at a show to support a particular candidate. And by playing that show you’ve given everyone all the commentary they need, so just stick to music. Honestly.

GZA

Likes: Hearing my favorite rap album of all-time almost all the way through. Also, GZA was half and hour late and while me and my friend James waited for him to show up we debated why GZA was late. We decided he most likely was: A.) Bidding on a Rockaway shirt on Ebay B.) Playing Duck Hunt or C.) Deconstructing “Fear and Trembling” with the RZA, a.k.a. Bobby Digital*

Dislikes: GZA being over half an hour late and therefore having to cut his set short.

Devotchka

Likes: If you’ve never listen to Devotchka’s music or seen them live I highly recommend doing both, because they’re pretty effing awesome.

Dislikes: Thanks to GZA’s late start, Devotchka also had to cut their set short, and thus they failed to play most of the songs I wanted to hear.

Spiritualized

Likes: I started the 2nd day of Street Scene about as perfectly as it possibly could. I was literally in the front row for Spiritualized who put on one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. Just wall to wall distortion the entire set. The band even employees two gospel singers to take the backing vocals and in now way are they even remotely gimmicky, much to my pleasant surprise. In fact, they didn’t even play half the songs I wanted to hear and it was still an incredible show. I’m going to ignore the obvious pun implications and say that Spirtitualized’s live show was very near a religious experience for me.

Dislikes: When it ended

Cold War Kids

Likes: Um…

Dislikes: I don’t think I was able to accurately judge the Cold War Kids because they literally went on right after Spiritualized and I was still in a fog from that show. That and I only saw about 20 minutes of their show. Even then though, the Cold War Kids were kinda of embarrassing. Watching them it feels like they’re trying way too hard to act like a rock band. It’s like they had no idea what to do on stage so their manager gave them videos of Thom Yorke, Angus Young and Nirvana-era David Grohl and told them to study up. Watch some of their live clips on Youtube or even one of their music videos and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Tokyo Police Club

Likes: While I was still in a semi-fog from the Spiritualized show, Tokyo Police Club managed to knock me out of it by rocking, hard. Just about everything that I like about them transfers over perfectly in a live setting. Just a very, very solid show.

Dislikes: Their lead singer’s voice is mainly neutral, not adding or taking away from anything, on most of their records, but it seems to be their only weak spot in the bands live shows.

The Hives

I didn’t really see the Hives play, but they were performing across the way from the stage I was waiting at. I never really liked the Hives, and their lead singer appears to be an egotistical jackass. For the few songs that I had to watch them perform on the jumbo screen, it appears this man is totally and unequivocally in love with himself. He seems like the kinds guy who listens to his own music at home and in his car and requests that females wear a mirror over their face when he makes love to them. Just an all around douche baggy performance by, you guessed it, a giant douche.

Tegan and Sara

Likes: Just about everything. For being lesbian twin sisters, Tegan and Sara put on a pretty great show. They were humorous, gracious and musically sound. Pretty much everything I want from a band whose music I’m only vaguely familiar with. They also took 30 seconds of their show to cover “Umbrella” . Tegan, or was it Sara, then said that Rhianna was her future wife, which was funny. They find Rhianna attractive, I find Rhianna attractive, we’ve have a lot in common.

Dislikes: Not knowing which team all the attractive girls at this show were playing for. Never has checking girls out at a concert out been so confusing.

The National

Likes: I ended the second day at Street Scene the same way I began it: with a transcendent show from one of my favorite bands. I could gush for several pages about how amazing this show was and how much I love The National, but that would just make everyone whose still reading really uncomfortable so I’ll just say that they were amazing and leave it at that.

Dislikes: When it ended.

Shows in Tucson

Vampire Weekend

This was a really unusual show. It was thrown together so Vampire Weekend and Hot Chip could make some money while traveling from California to ACL. Vampire puts on a pretty good show, but for the most part they seem like a band who doesn’t want to be famous. Maybe they just didn’t give two sh*ts about this particular show, but they seemed very distant the entire time. The drummer was the only band member with any consistent energy, as well as being the only one of them who looks like he should be in a rock band. I imagine there’s no difference between the show Vampire Weekend put on for us then when they’re all stoned and playing at one of their beach house in the Hamptons. My favorite member of Vampire Weekend was their keyboardists, who seems utterly conflicted on stage. It’s like his Dad’s pissed that he became a rockstar instead of being a CPA. It appears to really be eating at him, like he doesn’t know whether he should honor his father or rock out. Just a lot going on in
this young man’s mind… Or at least that’s what I told myself.

Hot Chip

This show was best summed up by my friend Billy who said: “This is everything I want in a live show and nothing I want in a band”. I couldn’t agree more. Although I could probably do without a fat keyboardist continually humping his instrument.

Zygos

Zygos put on a very good show for an opening band. At the end of their set all the members of Okkervil River joined them on stage to sing their last song. It was a giant sausage fest as 15 or so dudes attempted to rock out on a stage that can’t be more then 10 x 20 feet. Both bands were really, uncomfortably into each other. I imagine this exact same scenario takes place each night after their shows except there’s no audience and none of them are wearing pants.

Okkervil River

Likes: 3 years ago in Chicago I saw Okkervil River open for the Decemberist and became a much bigger fan of theirs after that. They’re an amazing band that puts on an equally as amazing show. They don’t play all their hits or their up tempo songs either, which I liked. I really respect a band that goes out of their way to alienate their fans

Dislikes: Their lead singer, Will Sheff, was very drunk and tweaking on one or multiple drugs. He was still able to sing all the songs and in most cases play the guitar. Although at one point he had his capo on the 6th fret and was still playing chords on the first fret, which was funny. They started every song way off because of Sheff’s intoxication, but they’d generally pull it together about midway through the first verse, which is an even greater testament to how talented they are. Also, I feel certain that Sheff’s going write a terrific album recovering from whatever drugs he’s currently on, so the show wasn’t an entire bust.

Until We Meet Again
* If they were in fact doing this I can only imagine they were saying things like “There’s some real shit in here man” and “That’s the leap of faith right there my n*gga”. No, I’m not racist. Why do you ask?

You Were Wrong When You Said Everything Was Gonna Be Alright: My Running Diary of the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards

2008-09-08T14:01:00.000-07:00

For some unholy reason I had the urge to watch the VMAs last night. I also had the urge to write about them as well. I’m really not sure why any of this was. At first I thought it was because like me the VMAs were once relevant and our now just a sad, shallow version of its former self, but that’s not true. I was never relevant.
Well anyhow I watch the entire damn show, 2+ hours of my life that I desperately want back. But since I took notes the whole time I may as well share them with all of 12 of you. Even though no asked for or wanted it, here’s my running diary of the 2008 VMAs…

9:09 Oh damn, I’m late. Apparently I missed Rihanna performing and T-Pain riding in on an elephant. For some reason that seems racist, but what doesn’t these days? Russell Brand is your host tonight and he comes out way too pumped up and fires off a series of jokes about Bush’s presidency (how topical), the Jonas Brothers being virgins and Barak Obama. The jokes aren’t that funny mainly because he’s way too intense about all of them and they don’t really land with the audience either. He ends with an incredibly funny joke about the poor kid who impregnated Sarah Pailin’s daughter. You just may want to youtube that.

9:18 Jaime Fox comes out and reminds people that he’s actually funny. After congratulating TI on making bail, he then follows with “I’m just kidding, but seriously don’t shoot me”. Jaime announces best female something or other. Britney Spears wins it. Since you’re probably wondering, she looks as good as she ever has. She almost looks like a hologram of Britney Spears circa 2000. She seems heavily medicated, which is probably a good thing. Apparently all you need to do to win a VMA is give up your children and your dignity. Zing.

9:25 Demi Moore comes out to introduce Best Male Video, artist or some award of that nature. In other news Demi has still got it. Chris Brown wins it. Incidentally the only time I ever liked him was when guest starred on The OC for a view episodes in the final season. Also, I’m not really sure why he’s famous.

9:30 Jonas Brothers are here and they’re performing what I’m being told is a new song. I think everyone who ever spent anytime in a youth group knows at least two sets of brothers like this. Speaking of which, why/how are these guys famous again? I mean at least Hanson had a catchy song. And hear I thought virgins were suppose to be unpopular, zing (I’m on fire right now). One of the Brother s looks decidingly Jewish, even if decidingly isn’t actually a word. This song is really bad, not even a decent sh*tty pop song. Why did I want to watch this again?

9:34 DJ AM and Travis Barker are actually kicking a good deal of ass as the house band tonight. Katy Perry is now performing-ish in front of them right now. As it turns out, she can’t actually sing. Who saw that one coming?

9:37 I can’t decide if the Bill Gates-Jerry Seinfeld Microsoft commercials are funny or just painfully awkward. Perhaps we’ll never know.

9:39 We’re back. Katy Perry is still singing. She’s surprisingly wooden for someone who claims to be a pseudo-lesbian.

9:41 Michael Phelps comes out to say something and he’s as soul crushingly awkward as you probably imagined he’d be. He’s got the charisma of school bus fire*. He introduces Lil Wayne who’s preforming Got Money with T-Pain. At first I thought everyone liked Lil Wayne because there’s some sort of unwritten social code that says all white people have to fully embrace at least one mainstream hip hop album per year. But after listening to his album it’s actually really good, although I don’t think he can rap with a shirt on, which I guess is a downside. Does T-Pain even talk with a vocoder? Also is there any semi-intellectual African-American whose not woefully embarrassed by these two? I mean isn’t this the very definition of bojangling for the masses?

9:46 I’m pretty sure they didn’t do a run a walk through of the show because this thing seems painfully unorganized and awkward. Also there’s a good but of evidence to suggest that the editor of this program is drunk. This is just down right sloppy.

9:49 Lindsey Lohan comes out and tells us that this year America became a dance crazed nation. I missed this revolution entirely. A group or “dance crew” named fanny pack then wins something. I don’t even have a joke here. The Pussy Cat Dolls then win Best dancing in a video and “Thank God for being so awesome to us”. How radical of them.

9:54 There’s a movie coming out that stars Dane Cook and Jason Biggs, I may have to revisit my vision of Hell

9:57 Russell Brand talks about how Lil Wayne makes him feel better about masturbation. I don’t remember how he made the tie in but it was pretty hilarious. Paramore (who?) then performs. Their lead singer looks likes a combination of the girl from High Fidelity and Cheri Otteri.

10:07 It really seems like Brand doesn’t want to be here and started regretting his decision to host about midway through his opening monologue. Best Rock Video goes to Linkin Park for Shadow of the Day. I still really like that song. And did you know that there’s a chubby Asian Guy in Linkin Park? For some reason this seems entirely appropriate .

10:11 Miley Cyrus introduces Pink, making the VMAs relevant to pedophiles everywhere for a short moment. Kudos to whoever made Pink look like a women/human being for tonight’s show.

10:21 Ting Ting brings us back from the break and they really suck. I’ll never understand how some Indie bands become crossover hits, although I think being from England certainly helps. Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are now talking about something, and did you know they’re MARRIED!?!?!?!?!?!!?! The fact that either of them is famous makes me think the terrorists might be on to something.

10:25 Slipknot introduces best hip-hop video, great idea MTV. Who knew that awful band with an equally as lame gimmick would still be around? And McLovin is with them! His 15 minutes have to be almost up right? Lil Wayne wins and he has his shirt on now, so the ladies watching at home lose. He only has 3 people to thank: God, his family and all y’all. That was actually kinda cool.

10:27 TI’s performance of “You Can Have Whatever You Like” starts on the set of Newsies. He then goes to other sets that are far less enjoyable. Now he’s on stage with Rihanna and they keep showing shots of white people in the audience to further prove the point that no white person has ever know what to do when rap music is playing.

10:35 LL Cool J’s clothing line is only available at Sears. I feel like both parties severely missed the mark on this one

10:37 The cast of High School Musical is here, hooray. They introduce Christina Aguilera. It’s really a shame no one ever taught her how to under sing. She’s dressed like a hooker in a sci-fi film and singing a remixed medley of some of her hits. This is truly painful.

10:43 Lauren Conrad comes out with one of the gay guys from Gossip Girl to introduce Best New Artist. Tokio Hotel wins it. They apparently allowed the creator of Cowboy Beebop to dress them tonight. I’ve never heard of these guys before but I feel pretty certain they’re either gay or foreign, maybe both. What’s the difference these days?

10:50 Either Flo Rida or LL Cool J brought us back from the break this time. Travis Barker on the drums actually makes whoever it is sound really good.

10:54 Paris Hilton comes out to give the award for Best Pop Video and can’t find the teleprompter. I’m starting to think her stupidity is all an act, no one can actually be that dumb right? Britney wins again for those of you scoring at home. Lupe takes us to commercial with the help of DJ AM and Mr. Barker. Why the hell are they cutting away from the first performance I’ve actually wanted to watch all night?

11:03 Two kids I’ve never heard of come out to introduce… Kid Rock. What?!?!?!!? He’s still alive? And making music? Holy Sh*t, I’m literally speechless. I was in no way prepared for this. And oh Jebus now he’s rapping a Warren Zevon classic for the verse of his new song. I think I’m gonna vomit.

11:08 I switch over to Sportscenter just in time to see highlights of my Diamondbacks losing to the Dodger in a game Bob Melvin over managed into the ground. Glad I got to relive that today. Why do I follow sports again?

11:12 Back on MTV Kobe Bryant is on stage to give the Video of the Year award and I show a great deal of self control by not making any rape or adultery jokes. Britney wins it, hoo-f*cking-ray

11:17 Kanye closes out the show with his new song Love Lockdown. It’s actually really, really good. That was an awesome performance, However not nearly awesome enough to justify me watching this entire gawd awful show. Goodnight and here’s to me never watching the VMAs again, much less writing about them.

Until We Meet Again
* Line stolen from the Bob Saget , although I used it in a different, less funny context

Open Letters to Bands, Some of Whom I like, Others…

2008-09-04T17:35:00.000-07:00

To: Cold War Kids

Ok, so I don’t really know much about your band, especially the interworkings or group hierarchy and such. In fact I was too lazy to find out who your producer has been for your first two albums. In my mind, none of that really matters. The fact of the matter is you guys are a pretty decent band who’s a simple solution away from becoming great. Please severely lower your lead singers voice in the mix, just bury it. That way people can focus on what you do best, just about everything else. You guys make some really good music whose effectiveness is severely lessened by the overpowering volume of what I can only assume is some musical theatre major doing a Jeff Buckley impression. So please, drastically lower that man’s voice in the mix. Thank you

To: Katy Perry

I just can’t get over how shocking you are. Anytime someone mentions your name my jaw instantaneously drops because you’re just so shocking. You’re so shocking you should probably hang out with whoever writes Weeds, because they’re shocking too. Wow, you’re just so SHOCKING!!!

To: Chris Martin

You’re half way to looking like a 70’s porn star with that awesome curly ‘fro you’re sporting in the Viva La Vida video. Now please grow a mustache.

To: Bloc Party

Whoever told you people were listening to your music because of lyrics was either dead wrong or someone playing a really mean, intricate, practical joke. You’ve now become a worse, less self aware version of the Cure. And while I give you kudos for somehow being less self aware then Robert Smith and CO. your new music really isn’t any good. On behalf of everyone who liked your 1^st album I’m asking that you to please once again put the drum and bass line at the top of your mix and try to recapture the raw power and energy that made you good in the first place. Thanks.

To: Maroon 5/ Counting Crows

It feels like I’ve been seeing promos for your joint live show for the past 3 years. It would appear that no one wants to see you live, just move on already.

To: Whoever Wrote Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

Yes, I do in fact realize you’re not a band. I’ve seen the trailer to your movie and it looks overly contrived and terrible. I haven’t seen that much pandering since (insert topical political joke here*). I mean honestly, why didn’t you just call this film “A sad sack of sh*t attempting to cash in on hipsters and Juno fans**”?

To: The Pernice Brothers

I need to apologize for just now getting into you guys. I really can’t believe it took me this long. As it turns out you’re everything I’ve ever wanted from a band since I was a sophomore in High School. Thanks for being you.

To: Usher

No sir, I have never made love to a thug in the club with his sights on. Speaking of which, what exactly do you mean by “sights on”? Are people now wearing night vision googles ‘in the club’, because really that’s the only plausible explanation I could think of. Also, could I get permission to use the “I’ll be like your medicine, you’ll take every dose of me” line when spitting game at the ladies or do I need to ask Jeezy for that?

Until We Meet Again

* Your options include but are not limited to: Obama rattling off every democratic ideal of the last 5o years during his speech at the DNC; McCain choosing a female running mate in an attempt to get the Femi-Nazi/Hilary Clinton vote.

** What’s the difference between hipsters and fans of Juno you ask? Well, I don’t really know.

Fear This

2008-08-28T00:29:00.000-07:00

Ed. Note: Yes I took the title of this blog from the Christian t-shirts that tried to capitalize of the “No Fear” craze of the early 90’s

Ed. Note #2: Let me just preface this post that by saying that I’m well aware that none of this is groundbreaking or even remotely original. As a matter a fact I’m becoming more and more aware of the fact that my entire life is just personified plagiarism, but that’s a story for another day.

My father recently purchased a Hawaiian shirt. For a multitude of reasons this is very troubling for me. For starters he, like all Hawaiian shirt wearers, looks absolutely ridiculous in it. Every time he wears it I get the suspicion that he’s actually been cast as the lead in the new “Weekend at Bernie’s” film and that he’s method acting for the role. But what’s really so disturbing about this purchase is not that he refuses to admit how effing terrible he looks in the shirt, but I’m very certain that some time ago my father used to mock Hawaiian shirt wearers and once vowed never to own one*.

Now I love my father very much and his decision to purchase such an offensive article of clothing isn’t going to change that. The thing that makes all of this so unnerving is that the purchasing of said shirt feels like he's giving up. It’s kinda like when women hit a certain age and all of a sudden decided it’s a good idea to start wearing their bangs over their forehead while pulling the rest of their hair back. I feel certain that they have to know just how terrible this looks, yet they do it anyway. And despite what some of you maybe thinking, this isn’t some sort of deep seeded fear that I’m becoming my father and that I might one day succumb to wearing Hawaiian shirts. Actually my fear stems more from the warning signs this Hawaiian shirt wearing phase seems to suggest. On the surface it would appear that my father has given up and is seemingly content to look like an extra from “Blue Crush”.

Now, as anyone who know me can attest to, I’ve never been overly concerned with personal appearance. However there’s a big difference between being apathetic about one’s looks and another entirely to wear a Hawaiian shirt for non-humorous or ironic purposes**. It’s like he’s thrown away the social/aesthetic part of his moral code and now thinks it’s ok if he looks like the Italian version of Punchy***. And that’s what really worries me in all this. It’s not the visual assault that his wearing of the shirt causes me eyes or the fact that I feel like I’m 13 again since I’m embarrassed to be seen in public with him when he wears the shirt. It’s that my father is a man of principles and common sense, and this Hawaiian shirt purchase flies in the face of everything he stands for.

You know, maybe I am over reacting, maybe all this is just some deep seeded fear that I’ll one day become my father and thus end up wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Regardless of all that though is the fact the my father looks appalling in this shirt and refuses to acknowledge the pleas of his family to stop wearing it. So I probably have a slew of reasons, both conscious and subconscious, for writing this. However, the fact of the matter is my father needs to stop wearing this shirt, and this just might be the outlet that gets him to do so.

Until We Meet Again
* Of course I make up memories all the time to support my points, so who knows if this one had any validity.
** If you are wearing a Hawaiin shirt for humourous and or ironic purpose you're probably not very funny. Just thought you should know this
*** Otherwise known as the Hawaiian Punch mascot. And yes I had to look that up on Wikipedia

Six Word Memoirs (of My Summer)

2008-08-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

At some point during my 3 months absence from the world of blogging I stumbled upon a book called Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six-Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure. As you already should have figured out, this book is made up six-word memoirs from people of all different ages, walks of life, etc. Now I didn’t buy this book, for the same reason I don’t shop at places like Table Talk and Sharper Image, but I was fairly intrigued/amused by the premise of it. So in the spirit of this book I’m just going to give you all a 6 word synopsis of the major events in my life that transpired since I last wrote.

Life

Summer Camp: Not like ‘Wet Hot American Summer’

Current Unemployed: Half-heartedly searching for return to misery

My Return to the Blogesphere: Lazy, but too legit to quit

Music

Spiritualized - Songs in A & E: Already a transcendent album for me

Blind Pilot – 3 Rounds and a Sound: How did Sub Pop miss them?

Mason Jennings – In the Ever: Miles better then his last one

Fleet Foxes – Foxes: Too early for Neil Young Comparisons?

Attending the Mile High Music Festival

Josh Ritter: The man from Idaho rocks, hard

Lupe Fiasco: Only black man at the festival

Andrew Bird: On different level then everyone else

Tom Petty: 300 yards away, still Free Falling

Movies

Dark Knight: Holy F*cking Sh*t (x2)

Indiana Jones 4: Lucas and Spielberg can blow me

Wall-E: I completely and unashamedly loved it

Sports

1^st Week of the Olympics: Rooting for America out of obligation.

Missing the NBA Finals: Kobe and Boston, f*ck ‘em both

Ok so a couple of these are truly embarrassing, but I’m ok with that. This was a nice easy way for me to back in to this. There’s better things to come, I promise.

Until We Meet Again

On Flying and Endings

2008-05-30T10:44:00.000-07:00

(Editors Note: This blog was written on a PDA Phone on US Airways Flight 490 from Phoenix to Denver. So if it’s more incoherent then normal, well now you know why)

Little know fact about me: I hate flying. It’s not that I’m afraid of it or that since 9/11 I fear that every minority on the plane is looking to hijack it and kamikaze us into the nearest skyscraper. I’ve actually traveled so much in the past few years that there’s nothing in the flying part of the trip that’s even the least bit unnerving for me. What gets to me is all the in between stuff. Going through security, baggage claim, ticket check in, power-tripping stewardess, etc., these are the things that seem to eat away at the very core of my being. All of it just leaves me physically and mentally drained, so much so that any excitement I might have about wherever I’m going is severely lessened. As if the traveling wasn’t bad enough, all the other people involved make things worse. In many ways I feel like people, and maybe humanity as a whole, dumbest qualities are manifested on an airplane. Whether it’s the stupidity of federal regulations, airline employees or my fellow travelers, few things in life reaffirm my position as a misanthrope quite like airline travel.

Arguably my least favorite part of flying is the storing of bags in overhead compartments. Only on the rarest of occasions do I use these, so what really annoys me is other people trying to do so. Upon entering an airplane I generally have to stand in the aisle for a few minutes before taking my seat because some middle-aged women can’t comprehend how her bag, which is 3 times the size of said compartment, won’t fit inside it. Hell even if the bag is the right size most people can’t seem to fit it in there unless the compartment is completely empty. If people stumble on to a compartment that already has a bag in it they tend to sit there and stare at it as if they’ve just been given an advance calculus problem in a foreign language. As if all this wasn’t bad enough, most people are also unable to get their bag out of the compartment once the plane has landed. Few things irk me quite like people’s inabilities to master, or even adequately use, the overhead storage compartment. I feel like we could solve this problem if everyone was forced to play an hour of Tetris a day for two weeks prior to their departure. This idea is practically full-proof.

Another thing I hate about flying is how my body reacts to it. I can’t prove it, but I’m fairly certain that once I’m above 20,000 feet my body starts to excrete olive oil as oppose to sweat. After every flight I generally look as if I’ve just been sprayed down with an industrial-sized bottle of Pam. On top of that I also look like I used a pound of Crisco as hair gel. For some reason I always exit a plane looking like I just got done running a marathon in the deep south in the middle of July. I feel fairly certain that I’m not the only one whose body does this on a plane, but it doesn’t really matter. Either way it makes me miserable.

Yet another terrible thing about airline travel is the other passengers on the plane. On almost every flight I’ve been on I seem to almost always be traveling with some wanna be hot shot business man who has to spend every last second until take off on the phone or frantically typing on his computer in an effort to get some last minute work in. It’s like the business world equivalent of a drunken frat boy desperately scrambling for some ass as last call is called at the bar. No good ever comes from such things. Either you’ll end up hooking up with a girl that all you’d be embarrassed of if your friends ever found out about. Or, in the business world, you get shown up by the stewardess who has to stand over you and wait for you to turn off all your gadgets while the whole plan shakes their head in your general direction while calling you a jackass under their breath. So please, frat guys and businessmen alike, just give it up already.

Almost as bad as businessmen in the world of airline travel are old people. Now I’m not one to promote ageism, but if I’ve never met you and will most likely never see you again then I really don’t care to hear a condensed history lesson on your grandchildren. Nor do I care to hear about how difficult your day of travel has been, it’s not nearly as exhilarating as you think. The problem is, if you somehow manage to get out of these unending conversations* then the old person will just call the stewardess and share all their fascinating stories with them (this too has actually happened to me). So really there’s no escape.

Speaking of stewardess, what exactly has happened to make these women so embittered towards the world? Not only are all of them on raging power-trips, but they all look like they have a second job teaching water-aerobics or as a fitness instructor at Curves. All stewardess seem to have an air of superiority around them that’s as unearned as it is illogical. I feel very strongly that with no training at all I could do a stewardess’ job just as effectively as they do. It’s really an incredibly easy job that anyone over the age of 12 could, yet these women think they’re bad asses because they serve stale pretzels and can pour soda into a plastic glass. Oh, they also do a nice job of reminding everyone pre-flight that in the event of a crash we’re all basically f*cked. I’m really at a complete loss as to where their arrogance comes from.

Anyhow, the reason I’m writing this is that yesterday (read: the 15th of May, I was very lazy in transcribing this from my phone) I traveled from Phoenix to Denver. I’ll be in Colorado for the summer and thus won’t be updating my blog for the next 3-4 months, so this is my parting shot. Goodnight and Good luck.

Until We Meet Again
* On the very trip in which I wrote this blog, I had to go to the bathroom 3 different times to get out of a conversation with an old lady. And yes, I’m a bad person.

Jinx! You Owe Me a Coke!

2008-04-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

Funny story. On October 16th, 2006 I was sitting at home watching the Arizona Cardinals man-handle the heavily favored Chicago Bears during the first half of Monday Night Football. At halftime of that game I get a call from my friend Billy. He was so pumped by the prospect of the Cardinals finally being good he suggested that we go to the mall and buy hats to show our support for the team. I decided to go with him, but not to buy a hat since all hats tend to further augment the roundness of my face.

During our foray to the mall, I got a call from my father who wanted to know where I was. When I told him what Billy and I were doing, he reacted as if I had just taken a sh*t on his bed. Upon hearing the disgust in my father’s voice I had no choice but to buy a Cardinals hat.

Billy and I then returned to my house sporting our brand new hats. As my father looked at us with repulsion, we watched the Cardinals pull one of the biggest collapses in NFL history, as they ended up blowing a 20 point lead in 28 minutes. Naturally we blamed ourselves for the loss and were amazed at our jinxing powers. Much to my surprise though, my jinxing powers aren’t even close to being the best in my own family. My older brother Max’s are far superior.

Max is currently on a streak in which everything he says about sports is wrong. This could happen to anyone, especially someone who talks about sports nonstop. However, upon closer examination it appears that this isn’t just a phase he’s going though. As it turns out, Max has been jinxing people for an extremely long time. Max is actually the sports version of a “cock block”. Anytime he says something positive about a team, or aligns his affiliation with them, said team is screwed. I did some pain stacking reseach to back this up. Below is a brief list of people, places and events Max has jinxed:

March 2008: Before the start of the Final Four, Max says that UCLA is “the clear favorite” and will win their 12th National Title. Moments after the Bruins blowout loss at the hands of Memphis, Max states “Wow, North Carolina’s got an easy path to the title now.” The Tar Heels then proceed to get outscored 40-12 in the first 10 minutes of their game and end up losing to the eventual champion Kansas

January 2008: Max calls the New England Patriots the best team since “West Germany of Nintendo World Cup Fame.” He follows that obscure references up by telling everyone “Pats are going to crush the Giants. Game won’t even be close.” And that “Rip It Off” by Times New Vikings is the best lo-fi/post-punk album since “Day Dream Nation”

2006: During the NBA Finals Max falls ass-over-tea kettle for Dirk Nowitzki and the Dallas Mavericks, causing the Mavericks to blow a 2-0 series lead and causing Dirk to become the biggest choke artist/head case since Chris Webber

2004: During that year’s ALCS, Max calls the Yankees 3-0 series lead “insurmountable” and claims that Alex Rodriquez will go on to be the best post-season hitter of all-time

1997: Max claims that Brevin Knight will have a better pro career than Tim Duncan, causing Knight to have a mediocre, journeyman career while Tim Duncan goes on to win 4 titles in 9 years, becomes a sure fire Hall of Famer and arguably the greatest power forward of all-time

1991: During the closing moments of Super Bowl XXV Max tells everyone “No way Scott Norwood misses this kick, he’s got ice water running through his veins.”

1983: Max says that the Houston Cougars, lead by Clyde Drexler and Hakeem Olajuwon, will run North Carolina State Wolfpack out of the building in that year’s NCAA Championship Game. After the Wolfpacks’ stunning upset, Max tells everyone that their coach, Jimmy Valvano, will “live forever.”

1977: While watching the first Star Wars film, Max tells the rest of the audience in the theater, “Little Luke Skywalker can’t take down the Death Star. He’s toast,” forever altering the ending of A New Hope and the Star Wars Trilogy

1972: After Doug Collins makes two free throws to the give the United States a one point lead with three seconds remaining against Russia in the men’s basketball Olympic Gold Medal Game, Max says, “The Soviets’ couldn’t beat us even if they had 3 chances.” When the USSR actually gets 3 chances and eventually beats the USA in one of the most controversial finishes in sports history, Max’s calmly states “Well that’s a bummer, but I guarantee that the USA is still gonna except their medals.”*

1948: On November 2nd Max says, in reference to the ongoing Presidential Election, “So much for Truman getting a 2nd Term in office, Dewey’s got this thing locked up. You can print that.”

1939: Max declares that the Polish Border is impenetrable and that “Those effing Nazis will get crushed if they go anywhere near Poland.”

1812: Max loudly remarks “I don’t care if it is winter. Napoleon and Co. will have no trouble invading Russia. None at all.”

Approx. 33 AD: Max boldly states that “There’s no way Judas will betray Jesus of Nazareth. They’ve been tight for years.”**

Until We Meet Again
* Since this one is a little more obscure I’ll clue you in on the joke. Members of the ’72 Olympic team refused to receive their silver medal from that year’s game. Most have even put it in their Wills that their family members can’t receive those medals once they’ve died.
** I can’t take credit for this magnificent joke, the credit for this one goes to Travis Parsley.

Bringing Unsexy Back

2008-04-02T15:50:00.000-07:00

Ok so this is about a week too late, but I went on vacation last Thursday so just pretend that you’re reading this last week.

This post is my response to an article in the Huffington Post about Sarah Jessica Parker’s being named Maxim Magazines “Unsexiest Women Alive”. You can find that article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/russ-wellen/unsexiest-woman-holds-m_b_93160.html

Since most of you won’t click on that link here’s a brief run down of the story. Based on the results of a recent reader poll, Maxim Magazine named Sarah Jessica Parker the “Unsexiest Women Alive”. Needless to say Mrs. Parker didn’t take to kindly to this. In fact she immediately put out a statement saying how offended she and her husband, Ferris Bueller, were about this. I’m going to respond to some of her statements as well as the statements made by the writer of the above article, Russ Wellen. Here goes:

SJP: Am I the unsexiest women in the world?
CBP: In all likelihood, yes. I’m assuming the basis of this poll was to decide who was unsexiest among women that some people would for some reason consider sexy. I’m not sure what kind of person would find you sexy, but they are most certainly wrong. There are certainly uglier women in Hollywood: Rosie O’Donald, Coutrney Love, Andy Dick, to name a few. But no one in there right mind would say they’re sexy. In fact the only people I can think of who would consider you sexy would be gay men and other long-faced women. Let’s just move on before I offend some more people.

SJP: Do I fit some ideals and standards of some men writing in a men's magazine? Maybe not.
CBP: Actually you don’t at all. Unless a man has some sort of horse-face fetish, you fit no ones standards of beauty.

RW: Maxim's readers likely weren't singling her out for a lack of sexiness, which no red-blooded man can dispute at this point. Arguably, it's her long face to which they object.
CBP: Actually they WERE singling her out for her lack of sexiness, hence their bestowing the title upon her. In fact almost everything you said here is wrong. They’re disputing her sexiness by plainly stating that she in fact is not. You are right though in your assumption that they object to her oblong face. This is one of the main reason men think she’s unattractive.

RW: The case can be made that Maxim's readers object to having a sex symbol chosen for them on the basis of her success in a "women's" TV series.
CBP: This claim is also wrong. Men don’t think she is unsexy because she stars in a “women’s” tv show. They think she’s unsexy because her face resembles the bottom of a human foot. She could star be the star of anything and it wouldn’t change this fact. So actually this case can’t be made.

RW: But, as is too often the case with a poll, it reveals more about the voters than the subject. First, Maxim readers seem oblivious to the extent to which their tastes in women have been shaped by today's surgically enhanced models and actresses. Talk about an image being forced down their throats.
CBP: Wait. Are you saying that people’s ideas of beauty are shaped by the culture they live in!?!?!!?!? Holy sh*t, stop the presses!?!?!?!!? Of course everyone’s ideals of beauty are shaped by society, no one is disputing that. In fact even your standards of beauty are shaped by society your pretentious asshat. Like it or not, these are the same standards everyone is judged by. Mrs. Parker is probably well aware of them since she is in Hollywood. Clearly she doesn’t meet the standards of a classic beauty. In fact, I think it’s safe to say she meets almost no standards of beauty. Except for the affirmation foot and horse-faced fetishes.

RW: Secondly, conferring a title as vicious as unsexiest woman alive on anyone reflects a poverty of spirit that, in itself, cancels out a Maxim reader's qualifications to choose the winner of any poll…
CBP: So what exactly are you saying, that only the kind in spirit and pure of heart are qualify to answer the question of who is unsexy? Or to answer any poll at all? Aren’t these people better of using there gifts to better the world then answer. Whether it’s stated by a maniacal dictator or a saint, the truth is still the truth.

RW: …Except for maybe which male mixed-martial-art star they'd most like to be in the ring with alone and naked.
CBP: Whoa, look out!?!?!? A gay joke, one which also hints at sports being homoerotic!?!?!!?? BAAZZING!!! Talk about turning the tables!?!?!?!?!? This guy is firing on all cylinders and clearly can’t be stopped. I give up.

Until We Meet Again

One Shining Moment

2008-03-17T16:36:00.000-07:00

So that glorious time of year is upon us again, it’s Spring time which means it’s also time for March Madness. The Best three weeks of the year our upon us and while everyone and their mother will be putting out bracket previews, predictions, pointers, etc. I’ve decided to go a different route. I’m going to give you a little preview of what the announcers will say during the games, as well as some things they’ll be thinking but won’t say. You see, for every game the announcers will have a couple of factoids and anecdotes to share about the teams and their players. Almost none of these factoids will be interesting or necessary, but that will not stop them. So here’s a brief run down about what the announcers will and won’t say.

Stanford
What They’ll Say: Stanford has twins!?!?!?!? Brooke and Robin Lopez!?!?!?!!? Here’s a fun little montage on how you can tell twins apart!?!?!?!?!!?
What They’ll Forget to Mention: Mr. and Mrs. Lopez obviously wanted girls since they gave their sons uber feminine names. The Lopez twins also obviously want to be girls since they love Disney cartoons and their favorite pop star is Michael Jackson. Also the easy way to tell the Lopez twins apart is as follows: The clean cut twin (Brooke) is ‘Business Class’ Lopez, while the one with the afro (Robin) is ‘Ready to Party in Europe’ Lopez. They’ll also fail to mention that the Lopez twins would be a far more enjoyable tandem if their names were Cliff and Biff.

Duke
What They’ll Say: Duke is winning on heart, scrappy defense and 3-point shooting.
What They’ll Forget to Mention: Duke is winning with white guys and non-threatening black guys. Just the way Coach K likes it.

UCLA
What They’ll Say: Kevin Love can hit the back board with a chest pass from the opposite free throw line!?!?!?!!? That’s almost and 80 feet pass!?!?!!?!? How f*cking awesome is that!?!?!?!?!!? Also Kevin Love is related to the vast majority of the Beach Boys, namely Brian Wilson and Mike Love.
What They’ll Forget to Mention: If the sports media had their way you’d be awarded five points for throwing a chest pass and hitting the back board from behind your own free throw line. Why, because it’s that effing cool. They’ll also fail to mention that his father Stan is bat sh*t crazy. He tried to manipulate a then mentally ill Wilson into gaining control of the Beach Boys (possible hyperbole) and he also tried to get his son’s high school coach fired. Mark Shoff, Kevin’s HS coach, didn’t start Kevin for a game because Kevin got mono and missed practiced. The next day Stan went to the high school to hand out “Fire Shoff” t-shirts and buttons*. And no, he wasn’t joking.

Memphis
What They’ll Say: Memphis point guard is Derrick Rose, he’s only a Freshman!?!?!!?!? That means he’s only been out of high school for one year. Crazy huh?!?!?!?
What They’ll Forget to Mention: (At least until late in the game) Chris-Douglas Roberts also plays for Memphis and he’s a junior. CDR is actually much better then Rose and is actually one of the 5 best players in the country.

North Carolina
What They’ll Say: Tyler Hansbrough plays with so much intensity, he never gives up out there. This kids gotta a lot of heart AND a lot of SKILL!
What They’ll Forget to Mention: We like Hansbrough because he’s white like us. Also he looks exactly like Beaker the Muppet.

Tennessee
What They’ll Say: Senior Guard Chris Lofton is a great shooter, he stayed in school all four years. He’s the reason you love college basketball.
What They’ll Forget to Mention: Chris Lofton is so overrated it actually makes me physically ill. He stayed in school all 4 years because he has no chance whatsoever to make it in the NBA. He’s too small to play shooting guard and doesn’t have the handles, passing, leadership or play making abilities to play point guard at the next level. Enjoy having a stellar career in Poland when you’re done here Chris.

Butler
What They’ll Say: Butler, a mid major playing with the big boys, what a story!
What They’ll Forget to Mention: While Butler has some impressive wins, they play in such a weak conference that their win total and seed are both greatly inflated. Throw Butler in the Pac 10, Big 12 or Big East and they’d be a 10 loss bubble team at best.

Kansas
What They’ll Say: Kansas is the deepest team in the nation, they can go 10 deep if they want to.
What They’ll Forget to Mention: Kansas has stock piled so much talent that it’s literally unbelievable. However Bill Self is such an inept coach that despite having the most talented team in the country, he will not lead them to a national title. However his team is good enough that they may make it to the Final Four on talent alone in spite of their coach.

Notre Dame
What They’ll Say: Luke Harangody plays with such tenacity, just a joy to watch. He’s one of those blue collar guys. He puts on his hard hat and goes to work.
What They’ll Forget to Mention: Harangody looks like he has down syndrome and no, we can’t figure out how he’s any good either.

Wisconsin
What They’ll Say: Bo Ryan’s team runs the swing motion offense to perfection. And they don’t give up an inch on defense, they make you earn every point.
What They’ll Forget to Mention: This team is so breathtakingly boring I’m likely to fall asleep watching them play and/or talking about them.

Kansas State
What They’ll Say: Michael Beasley is arguably the best player in the country. He’s putting together one of the best Freshman seasons of all-time. He’ll likely be the number 1 pick in the draft.
What They’ll Forget to Mention: Aside from Billy Walker, the rest of Beasley’s team is so horrible it’s staggering. In fact if Beasley stayed another year in Manhattan it’s a pretty safe bet that he’s a masochist.

Washington State
What They’ll Say: Washington State has players from all around the globe, neato!
What They’ll Forget to Mention: We really don’t what else to say about Wazzu because there style of play is so methodical/boring and they never beat themselves, how lame is that. Also the only ‘foriegn’ player who gets any time for them is Hawaii’s Derrick Low. Also, the Cougars Coach Tony Bennett is really good looking, we’re talking Hollywood good looking. I’m a completely straight man, but when they show him on the screen for long stretches of time I get really flustered and my palms get sweaty.**

Until We Meet Again
* http://wweek.com/story.php?story=5285#continue
** Ok the announcers might no say all that, but it rings true for me.

My Name is KIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!

2008-03-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I’m a highly acclaimed (in my own mind) musical aficionado. Well finally people in the ‘industry’ are taking noticed. I recently landed an interview with Detroit’s own Kid Rock. Here’s the transcript of our interview.

Calvin: Hey Kid how’s it going. Do you mind if I call you Kid?
Kid Rock: My name is KIIIIIDDDD ROOOCCCCCK!!!!!!!!!
Calvin: (Doing my best impersonation go f Brent Musburger’s fake laugh) Ha ha ha, it certainly is. Now obviously Kid Rock is not your Christian name, how did you decide on Kid Rock for your stage name?
Kid Rock: My name is KIIIIIDDDD ROOOCCCCCK!!!!!!!!!
Calvin: Well ok then… Now lets just get this out of the way here. You recently broke up with Pamela Anderson. As they always do, the gay rumors soon followed. What’s your response to that?
Kid Rock: Never gay, no way, I don't play with ass. But watch me rock with Liberace flash. Punk rock, The Clash. Boy bands are trash.
Calvin: Strong words, from an even stronger man. Kid, what have you been up to lately?
Kid Rock: I've been on the cover of the Rolling Stone. I met the president when I was half stoned. I been so high I've gotten confused. I been beat down, broke and used motherf*cker .I drank with Hank, talked blues with Billy. Rocked with Run sang with shotgun Willy. Went from small time Philly to big time Bobby. From 3 day old chili to Saki with wasobi.
Calvin: Wow, that sounds like quite a lot. But, uh, what exactly does it mean to be half stoned?
Kid Rock: Only God Knows Why
Calvin: (Confused) Ah, you didn’t even remotely answer my question, in fact you in no way addressed it. Is this some sort of Post-Modern Socratic Method you’re using on me?
Kid Rock: Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy
Calvin: (Silent)
Kid Rock: Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy
Calvin: (Clearly frustrated) Moving on, many critics have tried in vain to define your musical styling. You’re part rap, part country, part rock. No one seems to know for sure, how would you define yourself.
Kid Rock: I'm a porno flick, I'm like amazing grace. I'm gonna f*ck some hoe's after I rock this place!
Calvin: Porn and amazing grace, two very dichotomous entities, not unlike yourself Kid. Now speaking of your critics, some see you as the voice of a generation, others as a no good malcontent who’s poisoning America’s youth. What’s your thoughts on that?
Kid Rock: My motto, Be Cool. Keep Pimpin’.
Calvin: I’m sure it is. You’ve recently been very outspoken about the tragedy that seems to engulf the world around us, care to share some of your thoughts on that subject?
Kid Rock: It's another night in hell. Another child won't live to tell .Can you imagine what it's like to starve to death?
Calvin: No, actually I can’t.
Kid Rock: And as we sit free and well. Another soldier has to yell: Tell my wife and children I love them in his last breath
Calvin: Is that from “We Were Soldiers”?
Kid Rock: Habitual offenders, scumbag lawyers with agendas. I'll tell you sometimes people I don't know what's worse. Natural disasters or these wolves in sheep clothes pastors. Now God damn it I'm scared to send my children to church
Calvin: (Speechless)
Kid Rock: C'mon now amen, amen
Calvin: (Completely flabbergasted, trying to regain my composer)
Kid Rock: I said amen, amen
Calvin: Amen indeed. Thanks for you’re time Kid, any parting words?
Kid Rock: Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy…

Until We Meet Again

Writer’s Bloc

2008-02-18T18:05:00.000-08:00

It’s been almost a month since I’ve posted anything. I know most of you have probably been wondering “what’s going on with Calvin? Why’s he not writing anything? Is it my fault?”. The answer, dear reader(s), is that it isn’t your fault. It’s just that for the past or month or so I’ve been over come with a crippling case of writer’s block. Well, like everything I say and write, that’s an over-exaggeration. What I’ve actually had these past few weeks is a bad case of Samuel Clemens Syndrome.

For those of you who don’t know… ah who am I kidding, everyone knows that Samuel Clemens is Mark Twain’s real name (Twain was a stage name). In Clemens 2nd most famous book, The Adventures of Huck Finn, he was overcome with a severe case of writer’s block about 2/3 of the way through the book. Because of the deadlines his publishing company had administered , Twain was forced to rush out the third of the book and that’s why it has the sort of helter-skelter, seemingly rushed ending*. So what does any of this have to do with me? Well for the past few weeks I’ve started several different posts and have been unable to find a satisfying way of ending them. So instead of mucking up potential gold like Clemens did, I’ve just decided not to write anything. Yet at the same time, I don’t want to go a month or more in between posts, so I’ve been at a loss about what to do.

Finally an idea came to me that was just crazy enough to work, I thought “Why don’t I write about not being able to write anything”. Then the more I thought about it, I started to dislike the idea. I mean writing a blog about writing, isn’t that like those a—holes in Hollywood who go ‘Hey, why don’t we make a movie about making a movie!’ and then everyone nods in agreement thinking it’s a great idea. But honestly how many movies have you seen with that premise that didn’t entirely suck? Did I really want to be potentially associated with those types of people. The answer is no, I don’t want to be ‘that guy’. But desperate times call for desperate measures, so I am going to be one of those a-holes… kinda.

Below you’ll find a brief summary of some of the things I almost wrote about in the past month. I guess in a way this is like my b-sides album. Enjoy.

Title: A Different Kind of Cool
Synopsis: A self indulgent story of me attending a Rouge Wave concert and remembering when I actually use to do things, i.e. have a social life.
Potential Jokes: A joke/question about which group has a bigger disparity in the attractiveness of couples, hipsters or Mormons**.

Title: A Truly Super Sunday (working title)
Synopsis: A post about, you guessed it, the Superbowl
Potential Jokes: Not too many jokes would have made it into this post. I would have reiterated how it was the best Superbowl ever and that after the game I had the same pleased look on my face that Viggo Mortenson had in the scene from “A History of Violence” where his wife came to bed wearing her high school cheerleader uniform. I then would have noted, most likely in a footnote, that Viggo and I had different reasons for sporting the ‘completely shocked and extraordinarily happy’ face. I also had some a few Tiki Barber jokes to throw in there as well.

Title: That’s Amore
Synopsis: An autobiographical piece about how I’m always disappointed by any slice of pizza I order
Potential Jokes: No jokes here, this one’s a tragedy.

.
Title: Time to Finally Give Peace a Chance
Synopsis: My reaction to the news that Israel is finally apologizing to the Beatles for canceling the bands tour there 43 years ago.
Potential Jokes: Me wondering how the New York Times writer missed the obvious gag of something along the lines of: 'apparently the Israeli government didn’t want their youth corrupted by songs like Come Together and Give Peace a Chance'. And I had another one about hoping that the Israeli government showed their musical chops by sending George Harrisons’ apology letter to Eric Clapton. I also probably would have noted that Ringo still sucks.

Title: A Roller Coaster Ride (Probably would have changed the title once I realized that no one associate it with the Belle & Sebastian song like I intended)
Synopsis: An investigative look into the highs and lows of online sports gambling
Potential Jokes: The one about how I won 260 dollars on a 5 dollar 3-team parlay bet and then lost most of my winnings by betting on Rodger Federer in the Australian Open. Wait, that wasn’t a joke, that actually happened to me. F*ck! In other news, I have a gambling problem.

Until We Meet Again
* There’s actually a much more viable theory to this, but it’s not nearly as fun and would kill my entire point, so I’m just not going to mention it.
** The Answer: Mormons, by a large margin. While hipsters, scenesters or what ever the hell you want to call them tend to put some lopsided couples out on the market, no one comes close to Mormons in this area. And those f*ckers get have multiple girls that are out of their league. Unforgivable.

Is it really too late to apologize? : The Top 100 Songs of 2007

2008-01-21T15:27:00.000-08:00

Because I’m borderline ADD, I tend to prefer songs to whole albums. Because of that I generally enjoy compiling this list more then I do my Top Albums of the Year list. And unlike my top albums list, this is something I actually felt like finishing. As always this list is just a way for me to show all 12 of my readers how much music I listen to.

Anyhow, in an effort to save everyone time, I’m going to be going to try and be short and sweet on this one. In fact some I’m only going comment on a few songs, so it should be a lot shorter. Also, in another effort to save time I also going to assume that all of you are at least vaguely familiar with all of these songs. If you never heard of one of the songs might I suggest a simple google or myspace search of the band and you should be able to find it. Or if that doesn’t work just illegally download it. So I’ll spend no more then 2-3 sentences on each song and I’ll do my damndest not to make those sentences run-ons. Obviously I’ll have more to say about some songs then others, but all of these tracks are worth listening to in my opinion. Anyhow let’s get straight to the list.

2,345,167. Dan Decon – Wood Woodpecker: F*ck that guy. (Deacon, not Woody)
101. Colbie Cailat – Bubbly: While I’m growing more and more negative towards the idea of guilty pleasures*, I can’t in good conscious put this on my list. Nor can I help but feel at least a little guilty when I know every word to this song and passionately sing along whenever it comes on the radio. Let’s just move on.
100. Panda Bear – Comfy in Nautica
99. Snow Patrol – Signal Fire: Have I ever mentioned that I have a gigantic soft spot for songs with boisterous chorus and slowed-down piano, driven bridges? Well I do, and I still fall for Snow Patrol’s shtick every time.
98. Ingrid Michelson – The Way I Am
97. Illinois – Alone Again: Illinois, on this song especially, reminds me of the days when Death Cab for Cutie was good. An unlike Death Cab, Illinois doesn’t appear to be so overtly emo, nor do they appear to be 40 year old men singing about high school kids’ problems. Anyhow, this song is awesome, as is the rest of Illinois debut EP.
96. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – Under Water You and Me: If it wasn’t for Bloc Party the new Clap Your Hands would have been the most disappointing album of 2007. However this song is still really good, even if it is about 2 minutes too long.
95. Great Lake Swimmers – I Became Awake
94. Polyphonic Spree - Running Away: Is Polyphonic Spree just a one-trick pony and if so does it really matter because that one-trick is still legitimately awesome? While neither of these questions is fully answered on their new album, The Fragile Army, Polyphonic Spree does prove that their ‘one-trick’ may have more layers then anyone would have ever imagined, especially on this track. This song accomplishes what they spent their entire second album trying to do: Have one of their trademark twee-pop songs turn into a legitimate rock song.
93. Wu-Tang Clan - Take It Back: After one listen through to the new Wu-Tang album this was my favorite song. It also might have the line of the year delivered by Inspectah Deck: “Son, I've seen hell, fell into the palms of Satan arms. Don that I am made 'em bow in the face of God”
92. River Cuomo – Crazy One: This song alone has convinced me to buy, or at least illegally download, Weezer’s next album. Whenever it comes out.
91. The Good Life - 30 Year Evaluation
90. Charollotte Gainsbourgh - The Songs That We Sing
89. Bright Eyes - Four Winds: The more things change, the more they stay the same. No matter what I do, I still like Bright Eyes. And I absolutely love this songs music. So much that I’m willing to listen to it and ignore what’s probably the worst lyrics of Conor Oberst’s career^, which is truly saying something.
88. The Broken West – Down in the Valley
87. Bishop Allen – Rain
86. Iron & Wine - Resurrection Fern
85. The Clientele - Here Comes the Phantom
84. Immaculate Machine – Jarhand
83. Modest Mouse - March Into the Sea
82. Pella Carlberg - Clever Girls Like Clever Boys Much More than Clever Boys Like Clever Girls: This one easily wins the song title of the year award. It also sounds like a great Belle and Sebastian song, which makes it a winner in my book.
81. Travis - My Eyes: In spite of all their flaws and limitations, of which there are many, I still love Travis. Perhaps just nostalgia, since they were one of my favorite bands in high school, or perhaps that no matter how much my musical tastes have ‘matured’ over the years I still love a perfectly orchestrated brit-pop song, which Travis can do in their sleep.
80. Tegan and Sara – The Soil: I just recently found out that Tegan and Sara are lesbian sister who hail from Canada. Oddly this doesn’t change the way I feel about or interpret this song. Although regardless of their sexual orientation, I still find Tegan’s voice mildly irritating. Or is it Sara’s voice? Frankly I don’t know, and I’m too lazy to find out. This song is still excellent in spite of whoever’s singing voice.
79. The Mystery Jets - Diamonds in the Dark: I download an obscene amount of music. Sometimes I can’t even remember why I downloaded a certain album. Actually this happens quite a bit. The Mystery Jets record happens to be on of those albums, and for the most part it’s extremely forgettable. Except for this, the albums first song. Out of nowhere this completely average band writes arguably the best post-punk song of the year.
78. Kings of Leon - On Call
77. Kevin Drew - Gang Bang Suicide: While this song may have the most disturbing title of any non-rap song ever, the music thankfully doesn’t fit. And the lyrics are just extremely vague, so I think Drew was just trying to be dichotomous when he chose this songs title. Or he wanted to scare the hell out of me the first time I listened to this album and went to check out this tracks title because I liked it. I guess we’ll never know.
76. The Kim Richey - Jack and Jill
75. Matt Pond PA – Sunlight.
74. The Killers feat. Lou Reed – Tranquilize: As much as I like The Killers, I’ll never understand why Lou Reed agreed to do a song with them. However I’m thankful he did because this song sufficiently awesome. This song also leads me to believe that Lou Reeds’ voice would sound cool over any type of music.
73. Jill Cunniff - Lazy Girls
72. National - Fake Empire: Aside from the fact that this song should be the theme song for Alcoholics Anonymous, it also perfectly captures a huge aspect of life in the 21st Century (or any Century for that matter). The fact that much of life is tedious repetition is perfectly captured here by the music and the lyrics. I could probably spend a couple of paragraphs writing about this song, so let’s just move on before I do.
71. Albert Hammonds Jr. – Scared
70. Spoon – You Got Your Cherry Bomb: I know at some point in the near future I’m going fall in love with the new Spoon album and feel foolish for not listening to it sooner. Every time I listen to this song I actually get nervous about listening to the rest of the album because of how foolish I’m going to feel.
69. Shout Out Louds – Tonight I Have To Leave It: The best Cure song since Disintegration was released. Wait, you’re telling me this isn’t a Cure song. Could’ve fooled me. Well I still like it.
68. Ryan Adams – Oh My God, What ever, Etc.
67. Okkervil River – Our Life Is Not a Movie
66. Bruce Springsteen – The Girls in Their Summer Clothes
65. Wilco - Impossible Germany
64. Lucky Souls - One Kiss Don’t Make a Summer
63. Linkin Park – Shadow of the Day: Don’t judge me, or at least don’t knock it tell you’ve heard it. I’ve always found Linkin Park’s music to be really bad an equally annoying. This song however sounds nothing like them. In fact it kinda sounds like someone trying to rip off U2. I’m not sure if that descriptions helps my cause here, but who cares. It’s actually a really good song, just listen to it.
62. Band of Horses – The General Specific
61. Bill Callahan - Sycamore
60. Cloud Cult – Chemicals Collide
59. Essie Jain - Glory Master: Regardless of how or when I die, I want this song played at my funeral, along with “Ladies and Gentleman We’re Floating in Space” by Spiritualized, Johnny Cash’s cover of “Hurt” and “The Nothing Song” by Sigur Ros. It’ll be a sad funeral.
58. Black Kids - I’ve Underestimated My Charms (Again): Even if this song wasn’t awesome I’m still probably put it on my list just for the “What’s Your Man Got to Do With Me” reference.
57. Apples in Stereo – Energy
56. Andrew Bird – Fiery Crash
55. The Go! Team - Patricia's Moving Picture
54. Shout Out Louds – Our Ill Wills
53. Rilo Kiley - Silver Lining: I’ve probably mentioned this before, but if I was blind and could only differentiate people by their voice I’m pretty certain that I’d believe that Jenny Lewis, Rilo Kiley’s lead singer, would be the most beautiful person in the world. This songs pretty good too.
52. Club 8 - Jesus, Walk With Me
51. Pella Carlberg - I Love You, You Imbecile
50. Patrick Park - Life is a Song
49. Oh No! Oh My! - The Party Punch: According to Itunes I’ve listened to this song 38 times. Even with all those listens I still don’t have the slightest idea as to what the hell this song is about. None the less it’s still a great song.
48. Radiohead - Nude
47. Loney Dear - I Am John: Swedish Twee Pop and Brit Rock. What are two musical genres that Calvin loves a little too much. (I did this one Jeopardy style in honor of Alex Trebek’s heart attack in 2007)
46. Josh Rouse - Sweetie: According to Rouse’s podcast, this song is based off “You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling”. I feel like you should know this.
45. Aqueduct - Broken Records
44. Tokyo Police Club - Cut Cut Paste
43. The Broken Family Band - Love Your Man, Love Your Woman
42. Modest Mouse - Little Motel
41. The New Pornographers - Myriad Harbor: When I first heard this song I think I played it 20 straight times, I literally couldn’t get enough of it. Now, especially after hearing it every shift I work at Starbucks, I’m a little sick of it. It’s still great though.
40. Lavender Diamond – My Shadow is a Monday: When I saw Lavender Diamond live I nearly fell asleep they were so boring. Then they played this song and it completely changed my perspective on the band. Actually no it didn’t, they’re still boring. This song however is amazing.
39. Blitzen Trapper - Country Cavern
38. Jose Gonzales - Cycling Trivialities: Jose Gonzales is one of the most talented guitarists and song writers out there, but I can’t seem to listen to one of his albums all the way through. This says nothing about his music, but you get the idea that even singing the happy birthday song for this guy is a morose occasion.
37. The Frames - Falling Slowly
36. The Figurines - Let’s Head Out
35. Elvis Perkins - While You Were Sleeping
34. Dinosaur Jr. - Crumble: If I hadn’t downloaded this myself, anyone could have convinced me that this song was off one of the Dinosaur Jr. records that came out +10 years ago. I feel like calling it a throw back or retro is unfair, because it sound just like the music they were making oh so long ago. And quite frankly that’s a good thing.
33. Do Make Say Think - In Mind:
32. Coconut Records - West Coast: Coconut Records is Jason Schwartzman’s new band. In light of that I’m nervous that one of MTV’s beach-based ‘reality shows’ will use this song as it’s seem song and ruin it like The O.C. ruined “California” by Schwartzman’s old band: Phantom Planet.
31. Kanye West - Can’t Tell Me Nothing
30. Feist - So Sorry
29. Of Montreal - Trouble (Lindsey Buckingham Cover): While I’ve never liked Of Montreal that much, they’ve always had their moments. This cover of my favorite Lindsey Buckingham song that they did for a Minnesota radio station maybe the best thing they’ve ever done.
28. Albert Hammonds Jr. - Cartoon Music for Superheroes: This song is aptly title. It actually does sound like cartoon music for superheroes. I don’t think I ever could have envisioned a member of The Strokes putting out a song like this.
27. Jens Lekman – The Opposite of Halleluiah: I feel like the sentiment of this song’s title alone give reason for it’s inclusion on this list. However this song is just a perfect tongue and cheek track that truly showcases Jens’ talent as a song writer.
26. Franz Ferdinand - All My Friends (LCD Soundsystem Cover)
25. Panda Bear – Ponytail: Tragically this song is under two minutes and 30 seconds long. Every time I listen to it I wish that it would keep on going and never end. The ironic thing is that anyone who’s ever driven in a car in which I controlled the music will tell you is that I have a sever case of music ADD and can’t listen to more then 2 minutes of any song. The lesson here: I’m hard to please.
24. LCD Soundsystem - New York I Love You: LCD Soundsystem has never been a band that’s done much for me. So I guess it’s not too surprising that the first song of theirs that I truly love is a song that ditches all the electornica they’re know for and pretty much acts as a straight up folk-rock song.
23. Beirut – A Sunday Smile: Is it just me or does this song sound like the best drunk sing along tune ever? I feel like I could walk into any pub in Ireland and find a bar full of locals singing this song as passionately as Jevohs Witness share their gospel. And that’s pretty much why I like this song.
22. Dntel feat. Jenny Lewis – Roll On
21. Jens Lekman – A Postcard to Nina: I’m not sure any other artist currently making music could write a touching song about pretending to be a lesbian girls’ boyfriend so her father won’t find out she’s gay. Well played Jens, well played.
20. Black Kids – I’m Not Going Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance with You
19. Josh Ritter The Temptation of Adam: One of my unwritten rules for this list is that anytime you write a song about love blossoming an a pre-WWIII bomb shelter you get a spot in the top 20, hence this songs inclusion.
18. Bishop Allen – Middle Management
17. Rogue Wave - Harmonium: Don’t let this songs awesomeness fool you, outside of this and “Lake Michigan” the new Rogue Wave is pretty disappointing.
16. Lucinda Williams – Are You Alright?: The first time I ever heard this song was when I saw Lucinda live at Red Rocks this summer. Hearing the song then it was literally transcendent. I very nearly cried it was so beautiful, and I can in no way relate to its lyrics. So maybe I’ve over-valuing this song based on my own personal experience with it. But who cares, it’s my list anyway.
15. Band of Horses - Is There a Ghost?: The first time I heard this song I got so pumped up I immediately went out and punched the next person I saw. Well that’s not true, but this songs rockabiltiy is off the charts. Whatever the hell that means.
14. Ryan Adams - Theses Girls: This is Ryan Adam’s best song since “English Girls Approximately” off Love is Hell. It would also be about ten spots higher on this list if it, like the rest of this album, wasn’t recorded like Ryan was gunning for the top spot on the Adult Contemporary Charts. Still though it’s a remarkable song and I’m looking forward to the following years of his music if he continues to ape Neil Young like this.
13. Feist - 1, 2, 3, 4: Forget for a second that this song iS ridiculously over played and just take it at face value. I’m not sure any song has made me this happy or want to dance since the first Polyphonic Spree album.
12. Radiohead - Videotape: Only Thom Yorke would talk about Mephistopheles in a love song. Wait, is this a love song? Who the hell knows? That vague SOB.
11. Arcade Fire - My Body is a Cage
10. Animal Collective - Fireworks: Depending on my mood or the song, Animal Collective is either the best or worst band currently making music. This song is no exception to that rule, I just so happen to love this song. Its so layer and busy that it’s almost dizzying to listen to it. If my life depended on me clearly explaining why I love this song I sincerely doubt I could do it. So let’s just move on.
9. Andrew Bird - Cataracts: This song is a close second to my song of the year for the prettiest song I’ve heard in a long, long time. Also, I occasionally get misty eyed when the chorus kicks in after the whistling bridge.
8. The National - Slow Show: Arguably the most haunting and beautiful apology song I’ve ever heard**. If you listen to this song and you aren’t at least slightly moved you’re either deaf or you probably don’t have a soul.
7. Beirut - Elephant Guns: If Cameron Crowe were making this list he’d probably say something about how ‘Elephant Guns’ sounds like a story that he want to be a part of. While I’m not really sure what the songs about, and quite frankly the lyrics are so vague and cryptic I tend to believe it’s not really about anything, I’d kinda agree with that sentiment.
6. Josh Ritter - To the Dogs or Whomever: Did Josh Ritter write this song jut to prove that he can do a dead on Bob Dylan impression or did he merely want to prove to everyone out their that he’s better at doing folk music then everyone else? I don’t know the answer to that question nor do I really care to because this song is a stunning accomplishment regardless of the answer.
5. The Shins - Sleeping Lessons: Thanks to the miracle of illegal downloading, I first heard this song in mid-December of 2006. I was completely obsessed with this song in everyway and probably listen to it and nothing else for a good month and a half. And while I was disappointed with the new Shins album, this might be the best song they’ve ever done.
4. Radiohead - Recknor: I really wish this song was the soundtrack to my life. It’s been said that all great rock bands should aspire to recreate jazz, well Radiohead comes pretty damn close with track.
3. Okkervil River - John Allyn Smith Sails: Not unlike Okkervil River, this song is almost too clever for its own good. I feel like calling this the sharpest and greatest gimmick track of all-time undermines its genius, but at its heart it really is a gimmick song. However Okkervil River is smart enough and talented enough to where you don’t really realize it.
2. Arcade Fire – (Anti-Christ Television Blues): One of the reasons I think that Neon Bible is the album of the year is because the music might be the best part of it. I feel like this song is a perfect example of that. This song is incredibly up tempo and it seems to be building and building to a conclusion that it never really reaches. Through out this entire song (and the entire album), the music is filled with so much friction and yet they never give you any release. To me that’s just astounding, since the music explains just as much of what they’re trying to convey as the lyrics do. Also the whole song is just one long pot shot at Joe Simpson, and you really can’t go wrong with that.
1. Iron & Wine - Flightless Bird, American Mouth: Simply put this may be the prettiest song I’ve ever heard. I didn’t think Sam Bean would ever write a prettier song than “Sodom South Georgia”. I’m thankful he proved me wrong.

Until We Meet Again
* I mean if you like something that isn’t morally wrong why should you feel guilty about it?
^ Yes the chorus of this song is so laughably bad that it somehow trumps the songs about suicide and heart ache he wrote when he was 12. Just stick to writing folks songs and quit embarrassing yourself by trying to be politically relevant.
** And that includes Timbaland and OneRepublic’s “Apologize”

Ignorance is… Everything

2008-01-18T01:39:00.000-08:00

(Note: I finished writing this at 2:40 in the morning and since I have work relatively early I don’t feel like editing this when I wake up. So basically this is little more then my late night ramblings. I apologize if this is completely incoherent.)

Every few weeks, or when the idea comes to me, I like to send out a mass text message to certain people asking them an inane hypothetical question and then I subsequently judge them based on their answers. Well that’s not true, I just like to see which one of them can come up with the most humorous response*. I last did this a few days ago and I asked people if they thought it was a good idea for me to drop out of school and move to Mexico, specifically the beach Andy and Red are at in the end of “The Shawshank Redemption”. Now who had the funniest response isn’t important^, what is important was my though process that day at work as I received everyone’s answers.

For my entire shift all I could think about was “The Shawshank Redemption”. I’ve seen this movie at least 20+ times and I always love it and I’m always moved by the ending. However, I do have one problem with the movie that I have to try and ignore every time I watch it: The Homoerotic Overtones. Now I realize the irony of me being disturbed by homoerotic overtones in a movie in which one of the characters is sodomized in prison for two plus years, but hear me out. Red and Andy obviously were very close friends in this movie, maybe a little too close.

Now before we go on I’d just like to say that I’m not homophobic. I have a couple of gay friends and acquaintances and their sexual orientation in no way effects my relationships with them. So I’m not saying I’d have any problem if Red and Andy were gay**, I just feel like there’s a lot of subtle homoerotic insinuations between them that are never really addressed. Of course there’s probably something deeply wrong with me that I suspect two men who are good friends in a movie of being gay, but I’ll tackle that another day. The point that I’m trying to make here is that for me to fully enjoy the experience of this film, I have to willfully ignore the homoerotic inferences between Andy and Red.

The hyperbole of the last few paragraphs is all an attempt for me to build to a much larger point. I’m currently reading a book written by a psychologist named Barry Schwartz entitled ‘The Paradox of Choice’. The general synopsis of this book is that the over abundance of choices we have for any given decision, coupled with our need to make the best possible choice, actually robs us a lot of satisfaction and contentment in our lives. In this book, Schwartz suggests that people would be far happier if they ignored their urge to make the best decision and just made one that was adequate. If you ignore all the available options and just make a choice that’ll meet a good number of your needs you’ll actually be better off and happier. Schwartz has a plethora of hypothesis and data to back all this up with and he makes a very convincing argument on his behalf. And obviously it’s not as cut and dry as my 3 sentence summary makes it out to be, but the old saying of ‘ignorance is bliss’ may actually have some psychological data to back up its validity.

Now I bring this up not to try and change the way you make choices in your life, but to get at something that I was building towards with my discussion about “The Shawshank Redemption”. Anytime you watch a movie, TV show or play you have a choice to make. You can either view the actors and actresses as the people that they are or you can apply a little willful suspension of disbelief and actually try to imagine that they’re actually the characters they’re trying to portray. I realize that none of this is ground breaking and that we all realize this, at least subconsciously, at a very young age. The point I’m trying to make here is that to derive any sort of enjoyment from movies, a TV show or a play, you have to willfully ignore the fact that you’re watching actors work.

In one of his books, I’m pretty sure it’s Catcher in the Rye but I wouldn’t bet my life on it, J.D. Salinger writes a long monologue with one of his characters talking about how every time they see a movie or a play they’re fully aware that they’re watching actors trying to portray characters. Because of this the only joy the character (I’m almost certain it’s Holden Caulfield but I can’t shake the feeling that it might be a member of the Glass family) can get out of watching plays and movies is by watching which actor is the best at pretending to be someone else. It seems to me that there can be no actual enjoyment from viewing films and plays this way. The entire point of movies, and TV shows for that matter, is escapism. If you can’t get passed the fact that it’s nothing more then actors portraying characters then what’s the point. So while I’m not sure the Barry Schwartz is fully right about telling us to ignore certain options we have when making choices in life, I’m certain that we have to ignore this options when watching movies, etc. It seems to me that the only choice you have when watching some form of visual entertainment is to willfully ignore the fact that actors are merely depicting other individuals. In this case ignorance isn’t just bliss, but it’s the only choice we can make. So with that in mind I’m now going to force myself into a willful suspension of disbelief anytime I watch a movie or TV show. I think that by doing this I’ll actually enjoy it more, which is basically the entire point.

Now for all you art-house types who want to claim that film and TV shows should be art pieces that show us something about ourselves and/or the world we live in please shut the eff up. Any form of media should be for entertainment first and foremost, if it gives us some sort of revelation along the way then that’s just an added bonus. And if you’re really finding thinks out about yourself or our world/culture trough film and television then you’ve got much bigger problems. Well those last few sentence didn’t really make sense nor did they really relate to the following paragrahs, but I don’t really care at this point. I’m starting to get delirious now so I’m going wrap this up before I go on anymore tangents, which is ironic since this entire post pretty much acted as one big tangent for me.

So now that you’ve finished reading this you’re probably thinking to yourself “Hey this a-hole just wrote an entire post and didn’t really say a damn thing. In fact all he did was vocalize something everybody’s know since the age of 10”. And well, quite frankly you’re right. What can I say, I needed to stall so I could finish writing my top songs of 2007 list and I felt like writing something so I decided to give you the reader this two page puff piece that basically acts as my inner monologue. That said, I hope you enjoyed. I hope, I hope.

Until We Meet Again
* Yes this is actually how I kill time. I know, I live a very sad, shallow existence.
^ It was my main man Travis who deduced that it was only a good idea if I built a bar there like they had in “Cocktail”.
** I realize that Andy says he’s not gay when Red first warns him about the Sisters attraction to him, but that doesn’t exactly clear him. He probably just didn’t want to be raped, I mean who would. So he figures that saying he’s not gay would possibly get the Sisters to not R him.

Right Here, Right Now: The Top 20 Albums of 2007

2008-01-10T15:37:00.000-08:00

Probably my favorite writer Walker Percy is famous for writing a certain kind of novel. To a certain degree all his books tend to run together because they’ll all have pretty much the exact same lead character. This character is always male, always southern and always rather wealthy. This character always goes through some sort of life crisis in which he realize how monotonous and repetitive his everyday life has become. In other words these men are overcome by, as he best put it in “The Moviegoer”, the malaise of everyday life.

Now I’m not bringing this up because it has anything to do with the music that came out in 2007. Nor am I just trying to show some of my literary chops (well for the most part I’m not). But I bring this up because this is the general feeling I’ve encountered while trying to write my top albums of the year list. For a little over a month now I’ve been trying to write this and nothing seems to be sticking. It’s not quite writer’s bloc, I just never even remotely like the finished product. So instead of trying to rewrite this list for the umpteenth time, I’m just going give you the list in skin and bones, with none of the frills. Only one album has any sort of description by it, and that’s because I like and it’s short and concise. And for the record this is not an attempt for me to write a top albums list the way Thom Yorke writes lyrics: vague and non-descriptive so that everyone can take their own meaning from it. Nor am I expecting anyone to call me a genius for putting out my list this way. So let’s just get on with it.

Albums I like (or have hear good things about), but need to put more time into:
Spoon – Ga Ga Ga
Wu-Tang Clan – 8 Diagrams
Animal Collective – Strawberry Jam
Sunset Rubdown – Random Spirit Lover
Aesop Rock – None Shall Pass
Great Lake Swimmers – Ongiara
Jay Z – American Gangsta*

Album Everyone Else Seems to Love That I Just Don’t Get:
Battles – Mirrored: Maybe I just haven’t listened to it enough, but after a few runs through I feel like it’s just useless noise. Remember folks, just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it’s good. This applies to all walks of life, not just music.

Albums That Just Missed the Cut:
Ryan Adams – Easy Tiger
New Pornographers – Challengers
The Polyphonic Spree – The Fragile Army
Figurines – When the Deer Wore Blue
Shawn Lee – Voices and Choices
Pella Carlberg – In a Nutshell
Josh Rouse – Country Mouse, City House

Top 20 Albums of the Year:

20. Beirut – The Flying Cup Club + Long Island EP
19. Kevin Drew – Spirit If…
18. Modest Mouse – We Were Dead Before the Ship Sank
17. Wilco – Sky Blue Sky
16. Albert Hammonds Jr. – Yours to Keep
15. Band of Horses – Cease to Begin
14. Shout Out Louds – Our Ill Wills
13. Panda Bear – Person Pitch
12. Jens Lekman - Night Falls of Kortedala
11. Feist – The Reminder
10. Do Make Say Thing – You, You’re a History of Rust
09. Black Kids – Wizard of Ahhs EP
08. Iron & Wine – The Sheppard’s Dog
07. Josh Ritter – The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter
06. Kanye West - Graduation
05. Okkervil River – The Stage Names
04. The National – Boxer
03. Andrew Bird – Armchair Apocrpha
02. Radiohead – In Rainbows
01. The Arcade Fire – Neon Bible

Well that’s all for the list. If you want to know how I feel about these albums or why I had them ranked above others, etc., feel free to ask me. You can do so either in person, over the phone, via e-mail or really any possible form of communication. I’ll be more then happy to oblige you, since it’s the combination of two of my favorite subjects: Me and the music I listen to.

Interestingly enough, while I was unable to write my top albums of the year list, quite the opposite was true for my top songs of the year list. So by next week I should have that up, at least partially. So check back then?

Until We Meet Again
* I still haven’t seen the movie or listened to this album. I need to get my priorities in line.

Because Christmas is the Time When You’re Suppose to Tell People How You Feel

2007-12-26T19:59:00.000-08:00

So I realize I haven’t posted anything in a month and I really wanted to post something before the New Year. Lately I’ve been writing something out and then stopping midway through because I get bored with it. I feel like this maybe analogous for my entire life, but I’d rather not go there. Anyhow all this post is going to be is a collaboration of a bunch of different things that have been running through my head the past few weeks. In the spirit of this post’s title, I’m going to tell all of you about some things people do that piss me off. And if I have enough energy I may even talk about my opinions on the recent music and films I’ve been absorbing. So here goes it.

Misti with an “i”: The other day my friend Travis threw himself a party because he was leaving his job. Now as self centered as this may appear… well actually it is, I have no defense for his actions. Anyways, the fact that Travis is the type of person who throws himself a party* has nothing do with my point. At this party I was able to meet a slew of Travis coworkers whom I did not know. Now I secretly enjoy meeting people and then harshly judging them based on first impressions, it’s sort of a past time of mine. So at this particular party I was introduced to one of Travis attractive co-workers whose name was Misti. After telling me her name she felt it necessary to point out that she spells that with and i as oppose to a y. I’ve always wondered why people feel it’s essential to tell me how their name is spelled. It’s not as if I’m about to make them a name tag or that’s there’s going to be a quiz and/or spelling on how their name is spelled later in the evening. I can think of almost no situation (aside from the aforementioned name tag making) in which how your name is spelled is prevalent information. I’ve concluded that people do this because they feel that the fact that their name is spelled abnormally somehow makes them unique. This stems from parents who think that misspelling their child’s name makes them unique. It’s all just one effed up, incredibly dense circle that just keeps repeating itself. I’m urging everyone now to stop all this nonsense. If you’re with child or thinking of spawning a child sometime in the near future, just spell their name the right way. Seriously it’ll safe everyone a lot of time and frustration, namely me. And if you’re one of those unfortunate human beings who’s parents didn’t care enough (or cared too much) to spell you’re name correctly, just get over it. Stop telling people how you spell your name; it’s really not interesting at all. Another way to combat this would be for everyone to tell everyone else how their name is spelled during introductions. But then meeting people will be an even longer and more awkward ordeal, so let’s just stick with the former theory.

“I have no regrets”: I’ve probably written about this before, but I really don’t care. There are few things in life that annoying me more then someone uttering the phrase “I have no regrets”. Now I’m going the jackass-ary needed to make such a statement and focus on something else here for a second. The amount of ignorance it would actually take to have no regrets is so astounding I don’t even like to contemplate it. If you literally have nothing in your life that you regret you’re either have the mental capacity of a two year-old or you have no emotions at all. The worst part of this statement is people usually preface it by saying something to the effect of ‘The mistakes I’ve made in my life made me who I am today, so I just don’t regret them’. The fact that past experiences have made you the person you currently are should be pretty inherent. And just because these past events have formed you doesn’t mean you still shouldn’t regret them. I could go on and on about how much this phrase annoys the hell out of me, but instead I think all just move on.

Alone – The Home Recordings of Rivers Cuomo: For those of you who are unfamiliar with this CD, Rivers Cuomo is the lead singer of the once awesome band Weezer. This CD is a collection of demos Rivers’ has recorded over the years, over 80% of which were written before the turn of this century, which, for those of you scoring at home, was before Weezer started sucking ass. Since Weezer played far too important a role in my high school days I was naturally intrigued by this album. And this record actually is as advertised: Weezer’s pseudo-return to form. There’s definitely a heavy dose of nostalgia served whenever I listen to it, but that’s kind of a good and a bad thing. Listening to this demo I’m reminded of why I loved Weezer and also how truly far they’ve fallen. It’s kinda of akin to those nights when you sit around with old friends and reminisce about old times, retell high school stories, etc. While that’s all good and fun, at some point it hits you that high school really wasn’t that great and living in the past is completely and utterly depressing. And that’s pretty much the best way to describe this record. It’s a whole lot of fun, but at some point you’re going to feel depressed by the memories that have been dug up. And maybe that sentiment is a bit melodramatic, but what do you want from me, I’ve been listening to a lot of Weezer lately.

Juno: For the past few years me and my peeps all get together and go see a late movie on Christmas evening. This year we all went and saw Juno. I really liked this movie, it was funny, charming and everything I hoped it would be, although it wasn’t without its flaws. In the first ten minutes the movie almost entirely fall apart thanks to the screen writer deciding it was awesome that she was a hipster and that hipsters have their own lingo. Thankfully though the movie gets over this rough patch, namely thanks to a good story and some stellar acting. Jason Bateman steals the movie in my opinion, because his character invokes the most emotional response, at least from me. His acting was subtle and very understated and pretty amazing. Jennifer Gardner actually acts in this movie, which is equally as amazing. The two main kids nail their perspective roles and all the side characters are just about flawless. Outside of the chair motif falling woefully short and the whole ‘tic-tac as a vice’ thing just screamed of trying way too hard, the movie is really good. Probably one of the 3 best I’ve seen this year, but take that with a grain of salt because I’ve probably seen less then 20 movies this year.

Well that’s all I’ve got for you today. Check back in the New Year when I’ll have my top albums and songs of the year list up. (Insert generic Holiday Greeting/Farewell here).

Until We Meet Again
* I can’t decide if this is a step above or below giving people the birthday warning, i.e.: “Hey just wanted to let you know next Tuesday’s my birthday”.

Art May Imitate Life, but Life Imitates TV

2007-11-12T22:50:00.000-08:00

So this past Sunday night I went out and saw Darjeeling Limited with my peeps. Now this isn’t going to be a review of the movie. Instead this is going to be a sort of one-way monologue/debate over certain thoughts and/or theories that the film provoked. But before I move on to that, let me just say that I really, really liked this movie. It’s light years better then the “Life Aquatic”, mainly because Wes Anderson* got back to making his writing an extension of J. D. Salinger’s work. This film is funny, moving and almost everything in it works. However there was one nagging detail that I just couldn’t ignore, and that detail will be the subject of the rest of this blog.

In “Darjeeling Limited” (which for some reason I keep wanting to call the Darjeeling Unlimited) Owen Wilson plays the character of Francis Whitman. Early on in the movie we learn that Francis has been in a motorcycle accident. Later on we learn that this accident was actually an attempted suicide. I apologize for this minor spoiler, although it will in almost no way affect your viewing of the film. Because of this accident Francis’s head is heavily bandaged through out the movie and he’s constantly taking maximum strength pain killers for his injuries. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue or anything other then an aspect of the story. But, as you all probably know, Owen Wilson actually tried to kill himself just a few short months ago, after the movie had finished filming. Now because of this, it made watching Owen’s character rather eerie. In a sense, Owen is playing a character whose situation nearly mirrors that of his current personal life. And while the chronological ordering doesn’t match up, this still raises the sh*tty art-house question of “Where does the film end and real life begin?”

Thankfully, I’m not a big enough douche to actually waste time and energy pondering this question, but it does bring up an interesting quandary. A while back my older brother Luke told me that he could no longer watch Tom Cruise movies because instead of seeing the character he’s trying to portray all he saw was the crazy f*ck who jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch and spouts off Christian Scientist theology as if it were proven fact. Playing devil’s advocate I rebutted with the fact that Russel Crowe is an egomaniacal asshole, but this didn’t stop him from watching Crowe’s work. He rightfully countered that Crowe is a much better actor, thus you can separate his personal persona from the characters he plays. I’m inclined to agree with this assessment, but I can still watch Tom Cruise films with ease. Maybe this is because instead of seeing Cruise portraying different characters I see Jerry Maguire portraying different character, but that’s a story for another day. In all seriousness though, I can watch Cruise’s film and completely ignore his public persona. I think he’s an actor who’s sometimes great (Magnolia**, Vanilla Sky) and sometimes mails it in like it’s nobody’s business (The Last Samurai, Mission Impossible II and III). Never the less, what all of this has to do with Owen Wilson and the “Darjeeling Limited” is the question of how do you separate the person from the character they’re portraying?

Acting is and will always be built on illusion. Every actor or actress has to deal with a set of preconceived notions, either about themselves or previous roles they’ve played, when they act. Truly great and/or transcendent acting occurs when an performer can overcome or transcend the preconceived notions that the audience has about them. This is probably why the best actor currently going are people who aren’t cultural icons. A person acting is far more believable the less you know about them personally. Much the same the way it’s far either to bullsh*t a total stranger then it is a friend or family member. Probably the best acting job I’ve ever seen was Ben Kingsely in the “House of Sand and Fog”***. I know almost nothing about Ben Kingsley, aside from the fact that he’s been knighted. So really if you want to be a great actor, at least in my opinion, you need to stay the eff out of the limelight.

All in all, regardless of the person’s personal life, if the acting and storytelling of a film are good enough they can more then overcompensate any potential problems. Now I’m not saying that Owen Wilson did a bad acting job or that the “Darjeeling Limited” wasn’t a really good story. I just couldn’t shake the unintentional parallels between Owen’s life and his character Francis’s. Sometimes these things are just unavoidable. Film, and any form of entertainment, is all about a willful suspension of disbelief. If this illusion is broken, it severely undercuts the effectiveness of said entertainment. This is probably best personified by the wide world of sports. Anytime there’s a war or national crisis going on, broadcasters constantly remind that in light of the ongoing circumstances that sporting event we’re viewing is “just a game”. Ironically, sports are always just a game, regardless of what’s going on in the world around us. But most people, my self included, want sports to be bigger then they actually are. On some level the same is true for all forms of entertainment. We really want to believe that the music, book, film or whatever that we’re currently digesting is bigger then it actually is. That somehow absorbing or participating in something that is larger then life we too become larger then life. Sadly, this is never the case. No matter how great something is, and (to a certain extent) regardless of its cultural impact****, the entertainment we consume is always just that: entertainment. And this is why all entertainment is built on illusion.

Anyhow, I really liked the “Darjeeling Limited”, I just think I would have liked it better had Owen Wilson not portrayed a man who tried to commit suicide when he had just tried to commit suicide himself. I guess like Owen and Francis “I still have some healing to do” as well.

Until We Meet Again
* Speaking of Anderson, is there any screen writer out there who makes better use of the word asshole? Between Darjeeling’s “Look at these assholes”, The Royal Tenenbaums’ “I know you asshole!” and Bottle Rocket’s “How does an asshole like Bob get such a great kitchen?” I submit that there is not.
** Now you could argue that this was due to Paul Thomas Anderson’s directing, but such an argument can never be proven as anything more then speculation. For support of this stance I give you Julianne Moore’s cartoonishly bad performance in the same movie. If PTA could make Cruise a great actor in this film then why is Moore so terrible?
*** For those of you who haven’t seen this film, I can’t say that I recommend viewing it. This film absolutely wrecked me. Far and away the most depressing movie I’ve ever seen. Although some of that probable had to do with the fact that I watched it in the dead of winter in Chicago, which is depressing enough as is.
**** I suppose you could make the argument about how art, in various forms, changes our world. But this very rarely happens. And these changes are almost never all-encompassing. And the further away we get from said change, the less and less effective it actually is. In the end the movement or change only ends up impacting a small number of people. Meanwhile the rest of the world goes on unmoved by this whole occurrence. So really art, in any form, doesn’t change the world, it merely influences subcultures. And yes I realize how contradictory this paragraph is, but I like the argument none the less.

A History of Viggo Mortensen’s Penis

2007-10-31T18:00:00.000-07:00

(Full credit for this title goes to my main man Aaron Wallace who came up with the title after seeing Viggo in all his glory in ‘A History of Violence’)

I’m pretty sure all of you know by now that I found employment at my neighborhood Starbucks. As with any restaurant, we have our share of peculiar regulars. There’s one customer in particular who’s really, um, interesting. This guy resembles a much older, fatter version of the Gorton's fisherman. Every time he comes in and orders his coffee he’s leaves a couple of butter toffee hard candy cream savers to whichever barista is assisting him. The first time he did it to me I just assumed he had left them on the counter by accident so I altered him to his misplacement. He turned around and explained that those were for me. I’d like to think that I then thanked him, but odds are I was too awestruck to actually get any words out. Now whenever I’m working and this guy comes in he gives me two pieces of hard candy, so as to avoid any confusion. Because one piece of left behind candy could just be a mistake, but two pieces left behind, well that’s clearly a gift.

So why do I bring up the antics of this mystifying old man? Well in a strange way it reminds me of the movie I saw this last Sunday: “Eastern Promises” and its director David Cronenberg. You see normally people wouldn’t give you a piece of hard candy as a tip. They see such a gesture as a joke or a sort of eff you to the person they bestowed it on. But the Gorton’s fisherman look-a-like sees the world differently from others. Like wise, a normal director wouldn’t cast Viggo Mortensen and then put his penis on display for a good 5 minutes in their films. But David Cronenberg isn’t a normal director.

First off, let me just say that the movie is really good. It’s one of the most intense films I’ve ever seen. Through out the entire films there’s just a tension that’s never fully resolved. Even with the aforementioned Viggo and my future wife Naomi Watts on the screen, I never really felt like I was watching a movie. It felt like I found some sort of portal to look into a world I wasn’t supposed to see. To say the movie is eerily realistic is one hell of an understatement. I fully understand that you’re trying to make an overtly realistic film here, but you still could have left Viggo’s penis out of it. Although I’ll give Cronenberg credit for one thing: the fact that you keep seeing glimpses of Viggo’s ‘endowment’ is like the 4th most disturbing part of said scene.

Now before you all get on your high horses and call me a peni-phobe, just slow down. I realize it’s a natural part of the male body, but still. Nobody’s goes to the movies to see a penis. On the contrary, most people go to the movies not to see a penis*. What’s arguably more disturbing the sight of Viggo’s genital on screen is the fact that Cronenberg is now batting a 1.000 for times he’s shown Viggo’s penis in movies he’s directed with Viggo in it.

I mean honestly, you do something once it doesn’t prove anything. You do it twice, well that right there’s a pattern. Especially when it comes to cinema. Most talented directors only do a film every couple of years, so they have a much smaller sample size to draw from. So much the same M. Night Shyamalan is know for twists in his movies, Cronenberg is starting to be know for Viggo’s penis being shown in his. Maybe the guys got a serious problem and we should all be trying to get him some help. I mean what if he gets signed on to direct Hidalgo II. Would he have to put in a scene in which Viggo’s ‘manhood’ is exposed? Would the viewers be treated to countless scenes of Viggo riding the horse wearing nothing but a smile? Does this obsession carry over into other aspects of his life? Does he constantly mention how great Viggo looks nude in his interviews? Does he go home and say things like “You should have been on set today honey, Viggo’s balls looked great!”?

In the end, I guess it really doesn’t matter, but over reacting to pointless things is kinda what I do best. Although I’d still prefer not see another man’s ‘johnson’ on a 20 foot movie screen. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going go ice my hand, I think I’ve gotten carpel tunnel from typing penis so many times.

Until We Meet Again
* It’s true on so many levels.
** Stats: # of times penis was used = 13; # of euphemisms for a penis used = 5; # of times I cringed at what I was writing = 3

The Daily Wildcat Was Written in a Sort of Obsolete Vernacular….

2007-10-23T01:38:00.000-07:00

So lately I haven’t been writing much because of a lack of inspiration. Currently nothing in my life has sparked enough interest for me to actually take time to write out my thoughts about it. I blame myself really. Over the past few months I’ve become increasingly anti-social. My life consists of doing school work, working a job where I’m apparently the only person there who isn’t overly enthused about selling overpriced coffee and tea products, listening to music and occasionally watching televisions. All in all, it’s a pretty mundane life. So really it’s my own fault that I have no inspiration, my life is incredibly boring. I’m actually pretty ok with how bland my life currently is, it’s actually quite relaxing. But lately I’ve been wanting to write something. So today I’m going to back a week or so and discuss a local news story that I was momentarily interested in.

The Daily Wildcat is the student newspaper for the University of Arizona. They sparked some controversy recently when they published this (seemingly) anti-Semitic comic:

Naturally this comic was not well received, with the exception of the University’s Neo-Nazi club. The paper quickly went into damage control mode and the editor issued an apology the next day. Now the logical question to ask here is: Why the hell was this allowed to be printed?

According to both the editor of The Daily Wildcat and the author of the above comic strip, this comic was allowed to run because it wasn’t racist. Instead, both parties claimed the comic’s intent was to make fun of people who believe in stereotypes. Now I’ve read this comic a dozen times and I’m really not sure how the hell you could interpret this as anything but racist. However, the pro free-speech crowd (read: people who’s life’s are even more boring then I my own) claims that this comic should have been allowed to run because of our free speech laws. Now I’m not one to impede on anyone’s free speech, but I can think of at least two reasons as to why this should have been printed. First off, it’s blatantly racist. Regardless of how you interpret our right to free speech you still have to apply some common sense to it. Obviously this was an extremely derogatory comic that was going to come off as a cheap shot at the Jewish community. Secondly, and maybe more importantly, it’s not even remotely funny.

Generally speaking I’d say that I have a darker sense of humor then most. I tend to enjoy jokes other would find distasteful or over the line, etc. That said, the comic strip in question is just incredibly unfunny. And that is the first reason why it should not have been printed. Now I realize it’s a college newspaper and it’s not like all the comics that run are going to be gems, but this one in particular is not funny, clever or even that creative and on top of all that it’s very offensive. In her apology, the editor had this to say about the offending comic:

“ The Daily Wildcat apologizes for the misunderstanding over the comic and does not, in any way, wish to belittle the Jewish community or depict it negatively. The Wildcat values the Jewish community as a constituent of this newspaper, and as members of this university and the world at large. We apologize to any readers who were offended.”

Now maybe I’m not interpreting this correctly, but that reads more like a ‘oh you don’t get our sense of humor’ more then it reads like an apology. This ‘apology’ comes off like the editors thinks the reader is at fault for finding this comic offensive. Which raises two pressing question: Why would you act so damned smug in a supposed apology and why the hell would you go to bat for this unfunny of a comic?

The other day I was thinking about the whole fiasco, because my current life schedule allows for lots of time to sit and think about useless things. Anyhow, I was thinking about how this whole mess would have gone away if it turns out the writer of this strip had been Jewish. I’ve never understood how it’s allowable to say racist things if you’re a member of that race. For instance, numerous black comedians often talk about how they hate certain sects of the black community (whom they generally refer to as n*****). If I dislike this same sect of people, because of the way they act not because of their race or ethnicity, I’m considered racist. How the hell does that work? If you’re racist against people, even if you belong to that race, aren’t you still a racists? I’m not sure what the answer to that is or how it relates to the topic on hand. I’m just going to stop thinking about it because I don’t think I’d ever come up with a serviceable answer.

In other news, my little brother, who’s in high school, recently participated in his schools’ blood drive. For his contributions he received a pin that said: “It’s my first time!”. I’m not sure the operators of this blood drive fully understand the context of that sentiment. Either way, it certainly gave me a good chortle. And much like the last paragraph this has nothing to do with the topic on hand, I just wanted to end on that note.

Until We Meet Again

I Kissed Reality TV Goodbye

2007-10-05T01:25:00.000-07:00

As I set down these notes on paper I’m fully aware that I will anger a good deal of my readers and that I’ll potentially lose friends over this. But a man’s got to stand up for what he believes in. So I’ll just come right out and say it: I hate “The Hills”. Now if you don’t share my opinion and have a tendency to be overly passionate about trivial matters such as your fandom for a reality TV show, I recommend you stop reading now.

Before I get into why I hate “The Hills”, and all reality TV in general, allow me to give you a bit of a background story so you can better understand where I’m coming from with all of this.

I spent the better part of my summer as a camp counselor in the mountains of Colorado. Up in these beautiful mountains I never had cell phone coverage (when I had a phone), internet access, TV or any real access to the outside world. I stayed on this mountain almost all the time, having at most 10 hours off it per week off it. Every time I was off the mountain I felt completely out of place, almost like I was visiting a foreign country as oppose to Colorado Springs. I literally got culture shock every time I went out into the real world. I didn’t even find out that Tony Blair resigned until a month after the fact, when one of my campers told me. So pretty much I spent 2 months in a suspended state of reality in which the real world scarcely existed. And it was a beautiful thing, cause quite frankly the real world* sucks. It was during this time when I was blissfully escaping reality that, unbeknownst to me, my hatred for “The Hills” was born.

Fast forward to the end of the summer. Before I returned to the life-draining heat of Arizona I decided to spend sometime in Denver with my peeps. I spent most of my first day there lying on the ground in front of the television in various states of consciousness. When I was awake or aware enough to look at the television I noticed that MTV was running a marathon of season 2 of “The Hills”. Now normally I would just have ignored it and gone back to trying to sleep, but on this day I had to take notice of what was happening on the screen. As it turned out, this was no regular marathon, It was actually a “Dear The Hills” marathon. In this particular marathon, viewers of the female persuasion had written in letters, as one would to Dear Abby, for the girls of “The Hills” to answer. As I saw this two thoughts rushed through my head: 1.) Wait what qualifications do these girls have to answer these questions besides being on a TV show? And 2.) Who are these poor girls that are actually taking the time to write these letters and what do they think they can possibly gain from the response? (So technically that was three thoughts, but whatever.)

And that’s when I realized that these girls weren’t just ‘reality TV stars’, but they were actually idols for numerous young girls. If that thought isn’t incredibly depressing to you I question whether or not you have a human heart.

Now some of you maybe saying that it’s better for young girls to look up to the ‘ladies’ of “The Hills” than the Paris Hiltons’ and Britney Spears’ of the world. While this is true it’s kinda like saying that Stalin cared more about human rights then Hitler. The lesser of two evils is never a good side to be on friends.

My distain for this show doesn’t just come from some adolescent girls’ foolishly misplaced hero worship. No, I have much deeper reasons for my loathing of “The Hills”.

There’s the obvious reasons for my hatred that applies to “The Hills” and every reality TV show. It’s a character attribute that describes every contestant, ‘star’, protagonist or whatever the hell you want to call the people who appear on these shows. And that attribute is: Attention Whore. Every person who’s ever appeared on a reality TV show is just that. And lord knows the girls of “The Hills” are no exception to this rule. They’re actually worse then the your average, run-of-the-mill reality star, because they’re all extremely wealthy. So unlike the other selfish, foolhardy reality TV ‘stars’, these girls don’t need the money. And none of them need the recognition they receive from this show, outside of all of them being attention whores that is. You could make the argument the Lauren is doing it to further her clothing design ‘career’, but it’s a flawed one. As the plethora of stories in the news about how people’s myspace and facebook pages cost them jobs have shown us, companies don’t want to know about your social life. And they certainly don’t want your social life to be public. Any company that would be dumb enough to hire her would be welcoming a horde of media attention that would have nothing to with her actual clothing line. The fact that her love life would get more attention the clothes is not a good thing. I mean there actually is such a thing as bad press, just ask Michael Vick**.

The only way “The Hills” will help Lauren’s fashion career is if she finances the line herself, and goodness knows her family has the money to do that. If that’s the case then this horrific show will turn out to be a good career move for her. All it’s costing her is her dignity.

Another reason to hate “The Hills” and all reality TV is that it’s nothing but pure exploitation. Regardless of people’s motives for wanting to be on these shows, well actually the only two motives someone has for wanting to be on a reality TV show are narcissism and attention whore(ism). Ok so those two are pretty much the exact same, but you get the idea. Anyway, regardless of what the people on these shows think they’re getting out of the show what’s really happening is they’re being exploited for the viewer. Behind every reality TV show is some sleazy, soulless producer who willing exploits these dimwitted individuals for their own personal gain. That is what’s at the heart of all of these shows, and that, to some varying degree, is what you’re supporting when you watch these shows.

So how is this any different from non-reality TV you ask? Well for starters a sitcom or any other non-reality TV show is fictionalized. And while there’s probably a good amount of reality shows that are scripted, they’re all pretending not to be. Which is as disturbing as it sketchy. Now most people will rebut this by saying that all TV is just escapism so it doesn’t matter. While this is true, there’s still a very distinct difference between sitcoms and reality TV. If your choice for escapism is a sitcom, then you enjoy storytelling. If your choice for escapism is reality TV, then you enjoy voyeurism.

Voyeurism truly is what’s at the heart of reality TV viewing. That or you just want to feel morally superior to some jackass who’s whoring themselves out for their 15 minutes. I feel like it goes with out saying that neither of these reasons for viewing are healthy. I’m gonna wrap this up now before I go on a ten page rant about the depravity of modern day society. Just know that when you watch “The Hills” you’re not only supporting exploitation, but your also supporting a culture in which whores (attention or otherwise) like LC, Hedi, etc., are idols to countless numbers of little girls.

So the next time you watch a reality TV show remember: Not only are you supporting pure, unadulterated exploitation but you’re also supporting all those people in your life who strived to be the center of attention. The people who would kiss the teachers a$$ just to get noticed, the people who would laugh louder then everyone else at a movie theatre so people looked at them, the people who sought out the lime light and would willing throw anyone they know under a bus just for their 15 minutes of fame. You’re not just watching a TV show, you’re honestly not.

In closing, I’d appreciate it if nobody brings this post up a few months from now when I’m doing a season review of “The Hills”. Just kidding, I think…

Until We Meet Again
* I think I’m going to start referring to it as ‘the modern world’ because A.) I’m a huge Wolf Parade fan and B.) I feel like every time I say ‘the real world’ people think of that sh!tty reality show.
** I’m not trying to be shocking or inappropriate, this was just the most recent example I could think of.

Top 5 Reasons to Hate Bob Melvin and Stephen Drew

2007-09-18T02:12:00.000-07:00

Last night I planned on finally writing about why I hate “The Hills” and reality TV, but after the Diamondbacks collapse I just couldn’t focus. I was put fully on tilt by their latest meltdown and could think of nothing else. So instead of writing about TV, I will now roll out my Top 5 Reason to Hate Bob Melvin and Stephen Drew. For those of you who don’t know, Bob Melvin is the Dbacks manager and Stephen Drew is their starting shortstop. For those of you who don’t care, I apologize. Just know this bitter, hate-filled rant is my way of venting. Enjoy.

5.) Bob Melvin’s Name:

I mean what the hell kinda of name is Bob Melvin anyway? His name sounds like a name you’d find on some high schooler’s fake id. It just sounds like a made up name. Actually his name sounds like he’s the evil manager of the burger joint in some Disney Channel movie. He’s always making life miserable for all the employees and is constantly giving our young protagonist, who of course is played by Zac Efron, a particularly hard time. And when you’re as beautiful as Zac Efron you shouldn’t take that kinda crap from anyone. Especially when you can sing… like a bird*.

4.) Stephen Drew’s Name:

Stephen Drew, what a terrible name. While we’re on the subject of Disney Made-for-TV movies, Stephen Drew sounds like the name for the preppy villain who’s also the starting quarterback on the high school football team. He’s also dating the head cheerleader who doesn’t realize she’s more then just a pretty face. Naturally he treats her very poorly, cause all football players treat their girlfriends poorly. Hopefully some young, beautiful but somehow nerdy boy will tell her how truly special she is and help her break free from the oppressive life-style that Drew and popularity force on her.

Ok, enough of that. Back to why I hate Stephen Drew’s name. Well, he has two first names, that’s why. 93% of people with two first names are a—holes, that’s just proven fact. And both his first and last name both are staple first names’ in the Frat Guy Community. The only way his name could be more Fratastic was if it was Clay Brad or Chad Troy.

3.) The handling of Line-Ups and Pitching Staff:

As if last nights completely mind-boggling use of Tony Pena wasn’t enough to prove this point, Melvin has been terrible at handling his pitching staff all year. He constantly leaves his starters in too long, routinely over-uses his middle relievers ‘til they either hit a wall or run out of confidence. He also continues to juggle the batting order so much that not a single hitter knows their role. And he continues to bench Conor Jackson, who not only has Hollywood style good looks, but is also our most effective offense player, statistically speaking. Needless to say if this team misses the playoffs the finger should be pointed directly at Melvin, who keeps finding new and ambitious ways to f*ck up this teams talent.

2.) The Curse of the Drew Family:

The Drew family is notorious for being immensely talented under-achievers. It looks like Stephen is no exception to this. It also doesn’t help him or J.D. that they both are completely devoid of emotions. In fact, I think they might be robots. Although that raises the much more difficult question of why are these robots so ineffective? Perhaps the world of Super Baseball 2020 is a lot farther off then we once thought.

1.) My Provocative:

As it turns out that I’m that guy. The guy who has to hate someone or something about the team he roots for. I feel like this phenomenon is especially true for me when it comes to baseball, probably cause I know so very little about it. That and I feed of negative energy, so yeah.

Until We Meet Again
* So I meant for that to be a Superbad reference, instead it came out like the rambling of a drunken 5 year old. My bad, my bad.

The Hot List, v. 8.0

2007-08-31T00:52:00.000-07:00

It that time once again, time to break out the Hot List. Below is a list of things I’m Hot and Not Hot on. Enjoy.

Things I’m hot on:

Josh Ritter – The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter:

With a title like this how could you go wrong? I mean seriously, this is one of the best and funniest album titles I’ve ever heard of. And the album almost lives up to its satirically ambitious billing. I’ve always loved Mr. Ritter’s work, but this is far and away his best album. From the album’s Dylan-esque opener “To the Dogs or Whoever” it almost never misses a beat. Whether he’s writing a love song to Joan of Arc or about biblical metaphors or love blossoming in a pre-apocalyptic bomb shelter, Ritter is at his musical and lyrical best here*. I could write a whole lot more about this album but then I’d probably end up over-hyping it for everyone who’s going to listen to it, so I’ll just close by saying that you should probably go buy or download this record and listen to it immediately.

Superbad:

First off, this movie isn’t for everyone. And by not for everyone I mean that if your high school days didn’t revolve around trying to get beer and delusions of sexual grandeur then this film probably isn’t for you. Well, my high school days didn’t really revolve around that, but the weekends did at times. So… Well, this is just a funny movie that I feel like just about every guy in America can relate to. Girls though I’m not sure about. Having never been one and shown time and again that I have no earthly idea how they think. So yeah.

RJD2- Work It Out (Video):

So I really don’t know what to say here other then check this video out. It’s one of the most original music videos I’ve ever seen as well as one of the coolest. I’m not going say anything else, just go watch this video. Here’s the link: http://youtube.com/watch?v=rxjrBd4WE2U

Josh Rouse’s Podcast:

So one of my favorite musicians, Josh Rouse, recently started a podcast. As if that wasn’t reason enough for me to listen to it, he named it “Bedroom Classics Radio Hour”. Now maybe it’s just me, but ‘Bedroom Classics’ sounds more like the title of a late-night Cinemax show then a indie internet radio program. But whatever. The show is actually really, really ridiculously good. Rouse’s musical tastes may actually be better then the music he makes, which is saying something. So if you like good music and/or downloading podcasts, I’d recommend trying this one out.

Things I’m not hot on ( a.k.a. The Not Hot List):

Being Broke:

Right now instead of having actual money and/or income, I have negative money. Now I realize that’s called being in debt, but I feel like negative money has a stronger impact then just saying you’re in debt. So I currently have negative money. Now the obvious solution to all of this is to get a job, but I’ve never been one to follow the crowd. My newest plan to make money is to ask for your support. I’m not asking for much, just 50 cents a day. That’s less then the cost of a double stack at Wendy’s. It’ll be just like supporting those starving, homeless children around the world. And while I’m neither homeless or starving, I am incredibly lazy. So think about supporting me. I’ll send you a picture of me to put on your fridge and write you a monthly letter updating you on my life. The letters will be hand written, but not by me. That’s far to time consuming. So think about.

p.s. I’m joking about all this, honest to God. Well I actually am broke, but the whole 50 cents a day thing is just my perverse idea of a joke.

The Hills:

Ok, so this one is really just a teaser. I plan on writing a substantial amount (read: 1 to 1 ½ pages) on why I loathe this show, so be ready for that in the near future.

Things I’m hot on, but really wish I wasn’t (a.k.a Guilty Pleasures):

Rooney – When Did Your Heart Go Missing:

First off, this is an incredibly catchy song. Secondly, this song has some of the worst lyrics I’ve ever heard. How bad you ask, well I could sing along via guessing the lyrics the first time I ever heard it. At one point in the second verse the lead singer rhymes said, bed and head to come up with this Shakespearian-esque bit of magic:

I meant every word I said
I never was lyin' when we talked in bed
I'm retracin' every step in my head

So yeah, the lyrics are beyond terrible. But the song is still insanely catchy. Combine those two dichotomous elements and this song is safely nestled into the ‘guilty pleasures’ category. Also, if you have a good amount of time on your hands its worth going to Youtube and finding the video of this song. Watching these gotards drive around some costal area, I presume its California, is worth a couple of laughs. While watching their video I came to two conclusions, 1.) These guys were never, at any time in their lives, cool and 2.) They might actually mean the incredibly sh*tty lyrics they sing.

Sean Kingston – Beautiful Girls:

So I really like this song, but a couple things about it give me pause. A of all Mr. Kingston looks like a reject from Soul Plane and B of all his voice sounds like a retarded Louis Armstrong. But aside from that the song is great…

Until We Meet Again
* Ok I realize that I’m just an insignificant blogger, but I feel like this sentence should be a blurb on his album cover. Or at the very least his website.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

2007-08-22T23:42:00.000-07:00

People, get excited. I’ve returned from my hiatus to recharge your life with overwritten and under-edited puff pieces about my personal opinions. Woot. Today’s post will be a brief summary of highlights from my summer. But don’t fret dear readers; this isn’t going to be a series of inside jokes from my experience as a camp counselor. I’m well aware of the fact the all camp stories are incredibly contextualized. By the time you finish explaining the circumstances the joke is either no longer funny or wasn’t funny in the first place, it’s just that you were at summer camp so you were physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted so your sense of humor was completely shot.

Anyhow, here’s a few tidbits from my summer that I thought you might be interested in. Or more appropriately, here’s a few anecdotes from my summer that I felt like writing about.

Red Rocks:

So about 12 days before I returned to Tucson, I attended a music festival at Red Rock in Morrison, Colorado. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this particular venue know that you’re missing out. It’s far and away the coolest venue I’ve ever been to. Red Rocks is pretty much an outdoor concert hall that’s surrounded by 60 foot rocks on every side. Any description I could come up with couldn’t possibly do it justice, so just check out the website at: http://www.redrocksonline.com/

Anyways, highlights from this festival include, but are not limited to:

Lucinda Williams

- Even though she’s in her mid 50’s, I’m not ashamed to say that I’m heavily crushing on Ms. Williams. Even if she is a stoned-out-of-her-mind-hippie and her set lasted at least 6 songs too long, she’s still one hell of a performer. Her newest CD “West” is proof of that. She even covered the Flaming Lips, which is pretty damned awesome in my book. So yeah, she’s good.

Devotchka

- Also know as the band that did the majority of the music for the “Little Miss Sunshine” soundtrack, Devotchka put on one of the most interesting and entertaining live shows I’ve ever seen. Even while half their songs were song in another language (or the lead singer was mumbling so incoherently that it sounded like a foreign language), I still felt like dancing and singing along to almost every song. Also, the band’s lone female kept playing instruments that were bigger then her and she wasn’t exactly a petit gal. Needless to say, this made me very happy. I’m a sucker for this sort of visual comedy.

Ryan Adams

- Ok, I have a confession to make. My main reason for writing this blog was so I could gush about seeing Ryan Adams live. I know I’m a tool and an overly-obsessed fan boy, but bare with me, I promise there’s some good stories among my not so subtle man-crush driven ramblings. Ok, this one’s going need a couple of bullet points.

- First off, I was a little nervous about seeing Mr. Adams live. For starters, he’s notorious for being a dick at his live shows. He once famously threw out a fan for requesting Bryan Adams’ “Summer of ‘69”. That and I’m not the most optimistic of human beings, some might say I’m extremely cynical. I prefer pragmatic. Anyhow, I love Ryan Adams music, so I was worried that he’d put on a sh*tty live show and thus damper my appreciation for his music. Luckily though, Ryan* came through for me. He played for over two hours and put on an incredible show. I’d go see him again in a heartbeat, he’s that good. He had some extremely humorous banter with the crowd and was just amazing musically. He and spanned the majority of his catalogue during his set, which is always a plus in my book. Towards the end of the show Ryan started barking into the microphone as oppose to talking to the audience in between songs. Now on paper this sounds like either a a-hole move or a drunken a-hole move, however it was actually quite funny and just added to my enjoyment of the show.

- As if the show wasn’t already amazing, one of the funniest/coolest things I’ve ever witnessed at a show occurred a mere 2 feet away from me. So in between songs my good friend Sam yells out** “Come Pick Me Up”, to which Ryan Adams replies:

“No I will not play that song. Because if I play that song you’ll all go home. And you won’t take me with you. And if you did take me with you you wouldn’t like me. I just can’t have that happening, not tonight. So I won’t be playing that song.”

So not only did Ryan Adams humorously respond to by friend’s request, I also learned that my close friend is a massive tool.

The Ultimate Frisbee Corollary:

So I was working at a summer camp in Colorado. For some reason almost everyone at this camp was in love with the ‘game’ of Ultimate Frisbee. If you’re unfamiliar with this game, I’d recommend taking a few moments to thank God that you’ve gone through your life while avoiding people who preach the virtues of this incredibly lame excuse for a sport as if it were the gospel. Seriously though, wikipedia Ultimate Frisbee if you don’t know what it is. That way you can fully understand this corollary. Anyhow, I’m now going to explain this corollary. So the following paragraph assumes you know what Ultimate Frisbee is. Read at your own risk.

So I decided this summer that Ultimate Frisbee is just like football, only if you removed all the enjoyable parts from football. Seriously though, if you took all the hitting, dodging and 90% of the running out of football and replaced the ball with some fruity disk you’d have Ultimate Frisbee. In short, Ultimate Frisbee is football if you removed all the good parts from football. And thus the Ultimate Frisbee Corollary is this:

If A and B are similar, but A has all the good qualities, then B is the Ultimate Frisbee version of A.

Some examples of this would be:
Panic! At the Disco is the Ultimate Frisbee version of Queen
WNBA is the Ultimate Frisbee version of the NBA
The Star Wars prequels are the Ultimate Frisbee version of the original Star Wars Trilogy
Michael Vick*** is the… Ok I can’t even think of a joke or comparison here. Hopefully you all get the idea, let’s just move on.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Now I’m not going to go and ruin the ending for all of you, although I doubt there’s anyone left in America who doesn’t know how this book ends. But that’s neither here nor there. I will say though, that this is far and away the best book in the series. J.K Rowling truly saved her best for last, even if she should have ended two chapters sooner**** and ditched the unbelievably smarmy epilogue. I really don’t have anything else to add here, I just wanted to end by writing about Harry Potter to remind all of you how very, very uncool I am. Check back sometime next week when I may have written something of semi-substance. God Speed.

Until We Meet Again
*Like the rest of the nation is with Dave, Jack and John, Ryan and I are on a first name basis.
** Yeah, he’s that guy who yells out the song he wants to hear at shows. And no, I don’t like that guy either. But in Sam’s case I’ll make an exception, although it still was a douche move.
*** Speaking of Mr. Vick, does it hurt or hinder your credibility when Stephon Marbury comes to your defense?
**** For those of you who actually read the book, I think she should have ended it at “King’s Cross”. If you want to know my reasoning behind this feel free to ask me. I’ll happily talk far too long about with you. Honest, I will.

Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginnings End

2007-06-20T20:11:00.000-07:00

So as just about all of you already know, my blog will be shutting down for the next 6-8 weeks. I had planned some huge, grand finale type of post, but various things (weddings, pre-wedding parties, friends on military leave, ect.) kept getting in the way. The reason for my blog’s leave of absence is because I’ll be going up into the mountains of Colorado to be a summer camp counselor for the next few months. I’ll have about 8 hours a week when I won’t be on a mountain, so blogging is going to be somewhat impossible. I want to thank all of you for reading and remember I shall return in about two months. Hopefully this last post gave you all a chance for some closure and got that horrible Semisonic song stuck in your head.

Until We Meet Again
* I don’t have a footnote for this blog, but I feel like there’s something that I need to tell all of you. As I’m writing this the promo for SportsCenter is running in the background. Apparently tonight they’ll be a piece on whose baby will be a bigger sports star. This means some poor bastards employed by ESPN will have to debate this topic in regards to the children Tiger Woods, LeBron James and Jeff Gordon just had. This kinda makes you long for the days when SportsCenter was watchable. Also, if I had to join in this debate I would never be able to show my face in public again.

Top 5 Reasons to Hate America

2007-06-07T23:58:00.000-07:00

Don’t let the title of this post fool you, I am not anti-American. I fully believe that this is one of the best, or at the very least most comfortable, places to live. There’s a lot reasons to love this country. But on the flip side, there’s also a lot of reasons the rest of the world thinks we’re a--holes. If you ever stop and think about reasons the rest of the world might hate us, you realize that we are indeed a--holes. Loveable a--holes, but a--holes none the less. With that in mind, I’ve made a list of my Top 5 Reasons to Hate America. But don’t worry dear reader(s). My blog isn’t about to morph into some sort of political blog. I’m not about to start writing about the grave injustice that is the Iraq war, or about all the protests I go to, or how inept our Congress and President are. Nor will I start linking NPR and Greenpeace. I’m not that boring. In all likelihood this is just a one time deal, so enjoy it. Now on the list.

5. Dane Cook/Larry the Cable Guy (tie): Let’s get this out of the way, neither of these men are remotely funny. The two main things comedians need to be funny are material and delivery. Both these men are failing miserably in those regards. Dane Cook’s jokes are almost never funny and his delivery resembles that of a 10 year old boy who just realized he can make his friends laugh by screaming everything he says while wildly gesticulating. And while this may have been funny in 4th grade, it’s lost a good deal of its luster over the years.

Then there’s Larry the Cable Guy. Larry just has stupid catch phrases and racists remarks to make about rednecks. How incredibly original! His delivery isn’t funny at all, it just sounds like someone doing a bad or over-exaggerated southern accent. If I really wanted to hear that I’d watch Varsity Blues. In spite of all this, these men are some how the two most popular comedians in America. Our country continually sells out all their shows, goes and watches their horribly contrived movies and flaunts these men as comedic geniuses. If I lived in another country I’d hate us just for the ignorance of supporting these two massive, massive tools

4. Paris Hilton: Really no more needs to be said about this woman thing…

3. Independence Day: No, not the actual 4th of July, but the blockbuster movie starring Will Smith and Bill Pullman. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love this movie. But I can see how it might rub non-Americans the wrong way. For instance, right before the climatic fight scene, the American protagonists send out their plans to defeat the aliens to the rest of the world via Morse Code. When the British army receives this message two officers have the following exchange in crummy English accents:

Officer #1: We’re getting a message from someone using old Morse Code. (Pauses to decipher the message) It’s from the Americans! They’ve got a plan!

Officer #2: Well it’s about bloody time!

Now keep this in mind as that dialogue sinks in, this movie was written by Americans. If you’re some dopey European watching this movie, you probably view this exchange and think:

“This is how Americans view themselves. When the world is in peril, everyone just sits around holding their dicks waiting for the Americans to come up with an idea and bail everyone out.”

Now it may not have been the writers intention for it to comes off this way, but intent generally means sh*t in the grand scheme of things. This is how the rest of the world thinks we view ourselves. We’re the heroes who are better then everyone else. We’ll drop everything and bail you out, because we’re that f*cking awesome. Granted we did this in both World Wars, but that was over 70 years ago, isn’t it about time we stop living off that memory? All we’ve done since then is make more sh*t for everyone else by trying to play Justice League all across the globe.

We’re now like the sorority girl(s) who use to never have to wait in line at the clubs, never had to buy a drink when she went out, was an a—hole to every guy and a bitch to every girl, yet she was basically untouchable for her entire youth because of her looks. Now fast forward 10 years. The years haven’t been to kind to this gal. Her a$$ has gotten bigger, chest has gotten smaller and her face looks more weathered then most casual drug users. However, this girl is still trying to act like she’s the hottest girl in the world. She’s a sad, shallow simpleton who’s still trying to live off her glory years. She can no longer get into the hottest clubs and alienates everyone in the bars she does get into by singing a little too passionately to Margaretville when it comes on*. This is just what America is like now, times two or three. I mean isn’t it time we all got over World War II**?

2. Super Sweet 16: You could substitute most MTV shows here, but this one happens to be the most deplorable of the bunch. Actually I take that back, I can tolerate/slightly enjoy most MTV shows, but Super Sweet 16 seems to be the Devil incarnated in serialized form. For my sanity’s sake I’m going to assume most of you know what goes on in this show and not explain it. All I know though is if I lived in some 3rd World country and for some reason had access to cable and this show, it would take about a nano-second of watching it before I’d swear a Jihad on the all of the United States. Hell, I live a comfortable middle-class suburbian life and all I can think about doing sometimes is hunting down and brutally murdering the little b*tches that are on this show. Ok, so that might be a bit of an over-exaggeration, but this show angers me a great deal. And as David Cross once eloquently said: “If this is what are freedom brings, then I hate our freedom too***.”

1. KFC Famous Bowls: Ok, everyone knows America has an obesity issue, but the KFC Famous Bowls are just ridiculous. I mean I’m not one to play the “there’s children starving throughout the world” card, but how on earth can anyone ever justify eating one of these things? Outside of a dare or a lost bet I really can’t think of any other reason. First off, the ingredients to this thing (mashed potatoes, corn and chicken, covered by gravy and cheese) should never be mixed together. Honesty, who came up with this idea? This is the type of thing you make when you wake up bleary eyed on the day after Thanksgiving. You search through your fridge, determined to finish off the rest of the left-overs, after you pull everything out, you figure “what the hell, I’ll mix all of this together”. But after you eat it you immediately feel ashamed and swear that you’ll never tell anyone. If you friends ever found out what you did you’d never live it down. They’d constantly berate and remind you of how fat you are. Every time someone new was introduced to your group they’d eventually bring up the time you made the fattest meal ever. And that’s just what these bowls are. The fattest meal ever.

Until We Meet Again
* For all of you who think I just expanded on that scene from “Knocked Up”, allow me to explain myself: I’ve been using some version of this analogy since I was a sophomore in High School. I’ve just updated it. “Knocked Up” is one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen though.
** I mean this only for Americans. If you’re German or Jewish, well you know…
*** Ironically, or unironically if you actually think about it, Cross said this in reference to Paris Hilton.

Almost Famous

2007-05-25T16:50:00.000-07:00

I’ve always wanted to be famous; I think everyone has. I always feel uncomfortable around people who insist they wouldn’t want to be famous. If you say you don’t want to be famous that means one of two things: Either you’re completely full of sh*t, or you’re not a self-centered a**hole like the rest of us. Either way, I don’t want you around, you make me uneasy.

My reasons for wanting fame have fluctuated throughout my life. There’s always been the generic reasons like women, money, iconic status, women, supreme-awesomeness, etc. But lately something has come completely out of left field to make me yearn for stardom. And that something is “Itunes Celebrity Playlist.”

If you’re unfamiliar with these lists, allow me to explain them. What these lists are is a ‘playlist’ of songs put together by some celebrity, pseudo-celebrity, or artist. What purpose these lists serve is unknown, but they bring me joy on so many levels. It’s always fun to learn that some actor or athlete you like has good taste in music. And it’s equally fun/disheartening to learn that some truly horrific bands, like Hoobastank, have almost identical musical tastes to yourself*. Now I really want to be a celebrity just so Apple will ask me to make a playlist and everyone will see how awesome my musical taste is.

So the other day as I was jealously browsing celebrity playlists, something dawned upon me. I said to myself:

“Hey Calvin, you’ve got a blog. And upwards of 15 people read that blog. And you’re a celebrity/hero/savior to all your readers, so why don’t you just post your playlist on your blog?”

It was at that point that I realized – and this was for the third time today, folks – that I’m damn near a genius. So, without further ado, here’s the first of what I suspect will be many:

Calvin’s Itunes Celebrity Playlist

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I’ve always been inspired by music. It drives me to be a better person and a better (insert celebrity career). Here’s a short list of what I’ve been listening to the past month or so.

Phoenix – “Rally”: Just a great upbeat song by a great band. I think it’s impossible to not want to dance when you hear this song, or tap your hand on the steering wheel if you hear it while driving. Or to give at least some indication that you’re enjoying the song.

Travis – “Selfish Jean”: Travis was one of my favorite bands growing up. They’re almost solely responsible for my love of Brit Rock. This is sort of an experimental track for Travis, as the drums on this song are actually audible to the human ear.

The Thermals – “Pillar of Salt”: With all due respect to The Killers and Interpol, this might be the best synth rock song ever.

Bright Eyes – “Four Winds”: Despite Conor Oberst’s pretension, melodramatic lyrics, and his over-the-top bravado, I still enjoy Bright Eyes. That’s because, in my opinion, they’re about as good as it gets musically. This song is no exception.

Bill Callahan – “Sycamore”: I’m really not sure why Mr. Callahan decided to drop his Smog alias, but this song is gorgeous nonetheless. Also, I really didn’t mean to rhyme in that last sentence.

Beirut – “Elephant Gun”: After a stellar debut, Beirut got themselves a full band. Their sound is a lot fuller now, and Zach Condon still has one of the top voices in music.

The National – “Start A War”: The National are generally too clever for their own good. Their lyrics are oftentimes a little too witty and subtle that they’re too easily dismissed**. This is not the case though for this song (or for most of their newest album). This song is just a beautiful, simply-stated love song.

Cloud Cult – “Chemicals Collide”: Outside of the fact that Cloud Cult sounds like something out of a Final Fantasy game, there’s nothing to dislike about this band or this song.

Coconut Records – “West Coast”: My near-homeless friend John Asdell recommended this song to me and I can’t thank him enough for that. Now, you’d assume John’s time would be better served in search of some sort of monetary income instead of recommending music to friends. Still, that’s neither here nor there.

Aqueduct – “Broken Records”: Aqueduct kinda sounds like a combination of Built to Spill and Mates of State. Except there’s no Doug Marsh, and unlike Mates of State, they’re actually good.

Dntel (Feat. Jenny Lewis) – “Roll On”: If I were blind and could only distinguish (read: judge) people based on their voice, I have no doubt that I would think Jenny Lewis was the most beautiful woman in the world. On voice alone, she’s the most desirable women in the US. The rest of the package is, um, not quite as good as her voice. Oh yeah, this song is OK too.

Snow Patrol – “Signal Fire”: No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop loving Snow Patrol. Even on songs like this, when they’re clearly mailing it in***. Still, I’m always a sucker for grandiose music accompanied by a near silent piano-driven bridge. Damn you, Gary Lightbody.

Until We Meet Again
* I actually don’t remember if Hoobastank even has a celebrity playlist. And if they did I certainly don’t remember what kind of music they listened to. I just like typing Hoobastank.
**However, it should be noted that this is one of the main reasons I love The National.
*** At least I hope they’re mailing it in, because otherwise they’ve really fallen off.

David Stern, I will Feel Your Blood On My Hands… TONIGHT!?!?!?

2007-05-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

F*ck you David Stern. F*ck you for caring more about your league’s image then about the level of it’s play. F*ck you for being too cowardly to admit that always interpreting this rule by the letter of the law was incredibly foolish and a mistake. F*ck you for allowing other rules to be interpreted subjectively, but not allowing the same treatment for this rule. Also, f*ck you for being to much of a va-jay-jay to show up in Phoenix tonight to take your (verbal) beating like a man. F*ck the NBA for once again ruining a great playoff series and being too stubborn to admit fault. F*ck me for caring for too much about a game that I have no actual impact on. And finally, f*ck me again for not giving up on the NBA after this debacle.

So I was going to write a full blown, essay-length blog on this incident, but I didn’t have the time. You see when you do absolutely nothing all day, like I do, it’s hard to find the time to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. For instance, in order to have fully and satisfactorily written about the suspensions handed down in the Suns-Spurs series I would have had to make time to do so. And what, preytell, could I have cut out?

- The two hours after I woke up that I laid in bed and played my Ukulele? Not likely, seeing as how that relaxes and prepares me to face the day*.

- The hour I spent reading the paper and debating whether or not I should do the dishes I had left from last night? I couldn’t have cut this out, it was the busiest part of my day. I was multi tasking.

- The 15 minutes I walked my dogs and then decided that it was way too hot to be outside? Ok maybe this, but 15 minutes wouldn’t have been enough.

- The hour I spent simulating game on MVP Baseball 2005 in order to get to the playoffs? Not a chance. That sh*ts a priority these days.

- How about the hour and a half in which I went to lunch with my brother? Again, no. Blood is thicker then water.

By the time I got home from lunch PTI was on and I still had dishes to do. So really, I had no time to write. So instead I just decided to give you the extremely shortened version of what I would have written. I left out some really great stuff, like how this is a direct result of the media bias. Thanks to the media labeling basketball players as thugs when they fight, all the while claiming its part of the game anytime a players from any other sports fights. And because of this bias the NBA always overreacts anytime there’s even the slightest of skirmishes. I also was going talk about how dangerous a precedent Stern is setting by allowing the team that deliberately delivers cheap shots can benefit from doing so. I think I also left out some anti-Semitic remarks about Stern, which is probably a good thing.

I could have literally written at least ten pages about this, I was that angry. Especially after the “it’s not about fairness, it’s about correctness” line from Stu Jackson. Really, so you’d rather uphold a stupid rule then allow the players to decide a series? Or after David Stern came off like the most condescending prick ever on the Dan Patrick Show and tried to pass the blame onto the owners and the Suns coaching staff. But, as I’ve already mentioned, other things got in the way of me doing this. So all I really had time left to write was an expletive filled rant and a brief explanation of that rant.

What kills me the most about all of this, is that the people who are going to be the most pissed off by this, i.e. true basketball fans, are the ones who won’t do anything about it. I’m so infuriated that I want to boycott the NBA, but I love basketball too much to do that. If anything, Stern has made more casual fans interested in this game with this ruling. He knows that the people who are most pissed off and most affected by this will always be back. But my ruling this he guarantees his league more press and more casual viewers. So really it’s a smart business move, just an incredibly f*cked up and heartless one. I could go on, but in all likelihood I’d never stop. And I have to go do my dishes anyway.

Until We Meet Again
* And no, playing my ukulele is not a euphemism for masturbation.

A Night With Willie Nelson

2007-05-04T12:14:00.000-07:00

So on my last night I in Denver I got a phone call that changed my life. It was from my new favorite person, Joe Hickle. Young Joseph informed me that he had second row tickets to the Willie Nelson concert that was taking place on my first night back in Tucson. He then asked if I would like to go with him, my older brother Luke and our pleasantly plump friend, William Mordka to the concert. Naturally I said yes as quickly as possible. What transpired was one of the best nights I’ve had in some time. Here’s a few highlights from my night with Willie Nelson.

- Willie was playing at one of the Indian casinos here in Tucson, I found this humorous for several reasons. One being that Willie Nelson, the consummate cowboy, was playing at a place which sole purpose is to drive in revenue for Indians. Kinda of ironic. Secondly, he wasn’t even playing at one of the better casinos in town, which also made me laugh. In other news, I have the mental make up of a 10 year old with a gambling problem.
- My brother and I decide we’ll know at least 50% of the songs Willie will play. He opens with “Whiskey River”, so far so good.
- While in lines for beverages, we quickly decide that Willie has far and away the ugliest fan group of any musician, ever. After racking our brains we can’t thing of a single other band or artist who could even come close to this groups, um, looks. I’m not trying to be mean, but the majority of Willie’s fans resembled retired carnies.
- Willie introduces us to the bands piano player, his sister Bobbi. Apparently Bobbi is famous for falling asleep during sets while Willie talks to the crowd. After her introduction Bobbi, who looks paler then an albino, whips the crowd into a frenzy with a saloon style piano solo. We have a serious conversation about whether or not Bobbi is a robot.
- 6 songs in and “Whiskey River” is the only song I’ve fully recognized. I think to myself that my musical historian chops aren’t nearly as good as I thought.
- Willie flips the script on us and plays 4 straight songs of Stardust, all of which I know and love. Thanks Willie.
- On my way to the bathroom I stop by the merchandise stand. I see a bandana I can’t live without. The only question now is whether I put it my arm or my head.*
- Through out the show, audience members keep wandering up to the stage and setting things down at Willie feet. Strangely, this all seems completely natural. Some people put pictures of Willie, which he’ll sign and give back to them. Other people just want to see him up close. Security never interferes with the people who approach Willie. One guy gives Willie his cowboy hat, which Willie immediately puts on. A few songs later, a woman who was at least 65, takes her bra off and then throws it on stage. Willie, being the kind gentlemen he is, then gives this lady the hat he was wearing. I was left speechless by this whole occurrence.
- The guy who gave Willie his hat, which Willie subsequently gave to the lady who gave him her bra, goes over to the lady who is now in possession of his hat. After some pleading the guy regains possession of his hat. Needless to say, all of us were very upset by this chain of events. After some discuss we decide that once you throw an object on stage you’ve lost possession rights to that object. Therefore, cowboy hat guy no longer had any claim to his hat once he chucked it on stage. This guy was a huge douche and should never have asked for his hat back, he broke ‘throwing things on stage etiquette’. This was probably the only down side of the concert.
- Willie takes us home with a series of country classics, the best being his rendition of “You Were Always on My Mind”. Just an amazing show. Willie has to be the most approachable musician I’ve ever seen. He truly appreciates his fans and still loves playing music. Either that or he’s just extremely permafried.
- Instead of leaving the stage after his set, Willie sticks around to shake hands with the fans who have rushed to the front of the stage. He’s also signing autographs the entire time. My brother and I rush up to the stage like 12 year olds girls at a Color Me Badd concert. Willie shakes my brother’s hands and gives it a squeeze for good measure. For some reason the hand I was lifting towards Willie was the one which was holding my beer. I’d like to say that it had something to do with the fact that I was running on four hours of sleep and had been traveling all day or that I was drunk, but neither of these excuses would be true. I just happen to be an absent minded person. Anyhow, my brain fart turned out to be a stroke of genius. After Willie shook my brother’s hand, he grabs the beer bottle out of mine. Willie looks at it for a second, takes a swig from it, signs it and then hands it back to me. Needless to say, this was probably the coolest thing to ever happen to me, at least at a concert.
- As we were leaving, I go into a bathroom stall and placed the signed bottle in my pants. I didn’t want to risk security not letting me out with the bottle. You just never know what kind of power tripping a-hole is working security at an Indian Casino. I then awkwardly walked to the car and placed the bottle in the trunk of our car. We then finished off the night with some blackjack. Good times, good times.

So to recap, seeing Willie Nelson live is awesome. Having Willie Nelson drink from and sign your beer bottle is even more awesome. I am awesome.

In closing, I think I’ll take a Charlie Murphy quote out of context, because it best sums up this while night. Take it away Charlie:

“I mean there’s some great storytellers in the world today, but who the hell could make up that sh*t?”

Not I Charlie, not I.

Until We Meet Again.
* Semi-obscure ‘Real Cancun’ reference.

Would You Rather...

2007-04-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

So I was planning on writing a long ass post about the NBA Playoffs and how it parallels to the third (and current season) of Lost. Both desperately want you to believe that in the importance of their ensemble. For the league, they want you to believe that all the teams (or at the very least all of the playoff teams) are of equal importance. Lost wants the viewers to believe that all the characters are of equal importance. The problem with this is, Lost has gone out of its way this season to show us that really only 4-6 characters matter in the grand scheme of things. Likewise, the NBA season has shown that really only 3 teams matter (Dallas, San Antonio and Phoenix). That’s the real reason this season has been so terrible. Everyone with half a brain knows that one of those 3 teams is going to win it all, yet we’ve been force to watch a bunch of other teams that have no shot at winning the title this year. This is also why this season of Lost has blown (although they’ve started to pick it up the last few episodes). The show has already made it clear that only a few of the characters factor in to the big picture, yet they routinely make episodes about the characters who they’ve all but told us don’t matter.

Anyways, I decided not to write that because it would have taken to long. Also, any time I write about sports I get way too long winded and don’t know how to curtail myself. So I decided to do something completely different. Explanation below.

My boy Aaron and I haven’t kept in the best of touch since I moved out to Denver, which is unfortunate. Instead of keeping in touch via phone calls and letters like normal human beings, we decided to simulate the conversations we would be having if we still lived in the same town. We’ve also decided to share those conversations with you. In bold print you’ll find the “Would You Rather Questions” that Aaron asked me. If you check out his blog, you’ll find his answers to the questions that I asked him. I’m really not sure when he’ll finish answering my questions, but here’s the address: blog.myspace.com/thebrightside2

If you were sentenced to death, would you rather have your last meal be the greatest meal you ever ate and a conjugal visit from whomever you want … or no meal and no conjugality but you get a 10% chance you’ll be pardoned by the governor?

This is a loaded question. I feel like I’d have to go with the first option. Even if the low percentage chance that the Govern would pardon me happpened, how can I guarantee that the rest of my life would be better then the best meal of my life and a conjugal visit with anyone I wanted? As a man with a gambling problem, I’d bet the great meal and conjugal visit would treat me better then the rest of my life even if I did get the pardon. And if the odds hold true and I don’t get pardoned, then I’d wasted a great meal and great sex. Ok, maybe this question isn’t as loaded as I thought it was.

Would you rather have the ability to pass any test, this means you get the equivalent of an A on anything from a final to a PhD to a field sobriety test, however you don’t retain any knowledge of the subject… or you develop a photographic memory and the ability to read an entire book in a few hours and retain all that you’ve read but you inevitably fail any test you take?

Jebus, another loaded question. I think that how you answer this question says a lot about you. Would you rather have intelligence or achievement, that’s what it boils down to. I think I’d have to go with the photographic memory. At least that way I’d still be intelligent and the life of any cocktail party. Yeah, I’;m taking intelligence over achievement. I feel like that’s where I’m headed anyway, an intelligent person who will most likely achieve very little. Except replace intelligence with ‘was kinda smart that one time…’,

Would you rather be a starting pitcher for the Oakland A’s with an ERA of 1.46 and a 1.46 inch penis or a mid-relieving pitcher for the Kansas City Royals with an ERA of 9.53 and a 9.53 inch penis?

Well, I’d be living in Kansas City or Oakland. So as far as I can tell, I’m f*cked either way. I think gun to my head I’d rather be the pitcher in Oakland. At least then I’d be rich, or at least I would be once my contract with the A’s ran out. Then I’d have enough money for some sort of penial enlargement surgery or device (insert your own dated and unfunny Austin Powers ‘Swedish Maid Penis Pump’ joke here). That, and if I were playing in Oakland there’s the slight chance that I might get put into Billie Bean’s follow up to "Money Ball".

If you were up for adoption would you rather be adopted by Shaq or Johnny Depp?

Shaq. I have enough problems with the fairer sex as is, but if Johnny Depp was my adopted father I’d be an out and out train wreck. Even the most well meaning of girls would only want to hang out with me for a chance to meet my father, and I just couldn’t handle that. That and having a huge man crush on my father would just be awkward for everyone involved.

If you could travel to the future and take something thing back with you would you rather have a Playstation 5 (with two games) or the entire series of Veronica Mars in a box set (9 seasons)?

I’m going have to go with surprise option C here. I’d pull a Biff Tannen and bring back a Sports Almanac. Also, this is probably the only way I’d ever make money at a Vegas Sports book.

On a semi-unrelated note, I’d willingly forgo a time traveling trip if I knew that Veronica Mars would be on for 9 Seasons. I hate that I actually mean that.Would you rather have a horse tail or only one foot?

Horse tail, much easier to cover up. And unlike having one foot, I feel like I could still do most of the things I love with a horse tail. Although visiting water parks would become incredibly difficult.

Would you rather die in a fist fight with a bionic grizzly bear or in a naked tickle fight with Randy?

Is this a serious question? I’d much rather die fighting a Grizzly Bear. Even though it’d be far more painful, at least then I’d die with some of my dignity intact.
Until We Meet Again

30 Second Album Reviews

2007-04-19T18:36:00.000-07:00

Now I know what you’re all thinking “Hey, Calvin hasn’t written a really long, over blown post about music I don’t care about or don’t listen to in awhile. What gives?”. Well don’t fear dear readers, because I’m about to talk about a sh*t ton of music that most people haven’t heard of or would never listen to. Get excited! So just sit back and relax, because this post is going be way to long!

Studies show that it takes the average person 30 seconds to read a 6 sentence paragraph*. In light of that information, I’ve decided to debut my newest gimmick: 30 Second Album Reviews.

As most of you should know, I listen to an inane amount of music. In an attempt to justify that, I’m going to be giving paragraph(s) reviews to some of the albums I’ve been listening to as of late. The Albums rating will be on a scale of 1 to 10. Here goes:

Andrew Bird – Armchair Apocrypha
I feel like I’ve already sufficiently proclaimed this album’s awesomeness. Suffice to say it’s for albums like this that I listen to music.
Rating: 9.9 (I’ll give myself some wiggle room here)

Modest Mouse – We Were Dead Before the Ship Sank
A lot of reviews criticized Modest Mouse for trying to write pop songs. I find this critique rather odd, because while this album is definitely the most poppy in their discography, all the songs distinctly sound like them. It’s not like they sold out and quite frankly this album is sufficiently better then 2004’s ‘‘Good News for People Who Love Bad News’’. So what I’m saying is, don’t believe the negative reviews, this album is very good. The highlight songs are: Missed the Boat**, Spitting Venom, Little Motel, Parting of the Sensory.
Rating: 7.7

Jill Cunniff – City Beach
Jill Cunniff was one of the founding members of Luscious Jackson, a band I never listened to and that 99% of you have never heard of. Now that we have that fun fact out of the way, let’s talk about Ms. Cunniff’s brilliant debut album. Sometime this summer mainstream critics are going catch wind of this album write reviews calling Cunniff ‘A mellower Frou Frou’ or ‘An indie Kylie Minogue’. These reviews will all be (mostly) wrong, because while there maybe some similarities between Cunniff and those artists, none of those comparisons do “City Beach” justice. What this album most reminds me of is a female version of ‘Odelay’. Now I’m not saying that “City Beach” should even be mentioned in the same breathe as Beck’s masterpiece, but that’s just what it sounds the most like. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this album is really good, and you should probably check it out.
Rating: 8.3

Arcade Fire – Neon Bible
I should start by saying that I think this album is better then ‘‘Funeral’’, the Fire’s debut album. That said, I like ‘‘Funeral’’ better. Now I realize those are contradictory statements, so please allow me to explain myself. ‘‘Neon Bible” is better, by a very slim margin, then ‘‘Funeral’’ in almost every way. However, what ‘‘Funeral’’ has over ‘‘Neon Bible’’ is/was its freshness. ‘‘Funeral’’ came completely out of nowhere. When I first heard ‘‘Funeral’’ I immediately loved it. And because it was so unexpected, I felt like I was in the honeymoon phase of a relationship every time I listened to it. There’s just no possible way that ‘‘Neon Bible’’, despite being better, can capture that great feeling that ‘‘Funeral’’ had/has. Either way though, ‘‘Neon Bible’’ is still an amazing album and will probably be one of the best albums I hear this year. Also, as previously documented in this space, (Antichrist Television Blues) is on the short list for song of the year.
Rating: 9.4

Wilco – Sky Blue Sky
Um, I’m still not entirely sure of what to do with this album. It’s really good; it’s just not at all what I expected. This album sounds more like classic southern rock then the indie rock you’d expect from Wilco. I suppose this is the logical extension for Wilco to take ever since Summerteeth. I mean, the logical extension of Alt. Country is Southern Rock right? Either way, this album sounds like the best Allman Brothers record ever, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Also, like all Wilco albums, this one’s a grower. Meaning I like this album more and more each time I listen to it. If I have any complaints at all about this record it’s that a lyricists as talented as Jeff Tweedy shouldn’t have this many long guitar solos in one of his albums. It’s still really, really good, it just wasn’t what I was expecting at all.
Rating: 8.5

Do Make Say Think – You, You’re A History in Rust
This is probably the best Post-Rock album I’ve ever heard. I’d describe it for you, but it would just be awkwardly written and probably incorrect. If I tried to describe Post-Rock all I’d do is name drop obscure bands and use way too many adjectives. So for your sake, I won’t even try. And since I have nothing else to add here I’ll use this space to point out that Paolo Nutini (google him if you don’t know who he is) looks just like Penelope Cruz.
Rating: 8.5

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – Living with the Living
In the battle to see who can put out the most similar sounding albums, Ted Leo and company inch closer to Starflyer 59 with their 5th album. Now I don’t mean that last sentence to sound like an insult to either Ted Leo or SF59 (abbreviations are fun!). Both bands put out great music on every record and they both have their own distinct sound that they subtly expanded on with each release. I’ve always liked bands that know what they do well and stick with it. This has always been the case for Ted Leo and co. and this is another solid album for them. Also, ‘The Unwanted Things’, which might be the best song he’s ever written.
Rating: 7.3

Explosions in the Sky – All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone
For their 4th album Explosions changed things up, sort of. They’ve cut about 2-3 minutes off all of their songs, which should make their music more acceptable to the masses. Remarkably though, the band still holds on to the best and most powerful part of their music: the silence. I’ve never heard a band, post-rock or other wise, that utilities silence quite like these Texans. I’m not really sure if this is there best effort to date, but at the very least it’s 1B to “those who tell the truth…”. Again I’d like to explain more about this album, but for everyone’s sanity I won’t.
Rating: 8.2

Bloc Party – A Weekend in the City
This is my front runner for most disappointing album of the year. Whoever produced this thing deserves to be shot. On Bloc Party’s debut album, “Silent Alarm”, the drumming was extremely high in the mix and it sounded like some of the best drumming I’ve ever heard on an album. It made every song. Yet for some reason the drumming on this album have been shoved down into the middle of the mix, thus ruining the main thing that made Bloc Party so great. Fans of this record will argue that the song writing is better on this album, but who gives a sh*t? If I wanted to hear a presumably gay guy write moving Brit Rock songs I’d listen to Coldplay. Shame on whoever decided to lower the drums in the mix for this album and shame on Bloc Party for allowing it.
Rating: 5.0

The Shins – Wincing the Night Away
As you’ve probably heard by now, The Shins went electronic on their newest album. Sometimes it works out splendidly, like the first four songs, especially “Sleeping Lessons”. Sometimes it doesn’t work out as well, like on songs 5-10. However, the last song on the album rights the ship and the album ends on a high note. This album has some incredible highlights, but it’s the weakest record The Shins have ever put out. I guess a drop off should have been expected, seeing as how their first two albums were magnificent. Hopefully this will get rid of all the bandwagon, Garden State fans who find their lives the exact same after hearing this album.
Rating: 7.5

Until We Meet Again
* Stat possibly made up by the author because he thought ’30 Second Album Reviews’ sounded cool.
** The bands best song since 3rd Planet.

My Two Cents

2007-04-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

Since I’m busy as h-e-double hockey stick this week, I don’t really have time to write out a full blog. However, I do have enough time to weigh in on some hot button issues in the world of sports while procrastinating on my homework. Here goes:

Disrespecting the Knicks:

You may have heard about the New York Knicks players getting upset at the Chicago Bulls for trying to run the score up on them. The Bulls claim they were merely trying to reach 100 points so that their fans could get a free Big Mac. The Knicks, however, felt it was very poor form and extremely disrespectful. This is the second time this year that the Knicks have cried about teams running up the score on them.

Really, if you suck so much that teams can run up the score on you, respect may not be the main issue you should be focusing on. Also keep in mind that the Knicks aren’t a high school girls team, and they’re actually getting paid millions of dollars to play the game of basketball. Personally, I can’t get enough of this story. Instead of actually doing something about their sh*tty play, the Knicks decide to complain to the media about someone else’s poor sportsmanship. I’m still not entirely convinced this isn’t a joke. If you’re still worried about sportsmanship when you’re making millions of dollars to play a game, then you’ve got some serious sensitivity issues. I feel like Charles Oakley needs to come in and teach these Knicks a lesson in not being a p*ssy.

Pacman Jones:

Tennesse Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones has been suspended for the entire NFL season. I don’t really have anything to add here except that this man needs his own reality TV show. They could call it “My Year-Long Vacation” or “The Off-Season” or “When You Make It Rain, It Pours.” Actually I don’t care what they call it, but Pacman has more than earned the right to have cameras on him 24/7. I mean, this guy couldn’t stay out of trouble when he was playing football, so what’s he going to do now that his life has absolutely no structure? All I know is that this can’t end well for Pacman (or the world). Also, how do you get a nickname like Pacman and what exactly does it mean?

Don Imus vs. Rutgers:

Just in case you’ve been avoiding TV for the past week or so, I’ll explain this situation. Radio host Don Imus called the Rutger’s women’s basketball team, “Some nappy-haired hos.” Since Don Imus is white, he’s not allowed to make this type of remark. I’m not saying this type of remark is ever OK, just that this wouldn’t even be a story if this had been said by someone of color*. Anyways, everyone is now falling over themselves to crucify Imus, who really isn’t worth the effort, being that he’s a psychotic and senile old curmudgeon, but that’s neither here nor there. I think this whole mess is summed up best by my co-worker, and amateur sociologist, Rick:

“Only a ho gets mad when you call her a ho.”

Too true.

Until We Meet Again

* Is it just me or does it seem more racist when you say color instead of black?

Commercial Review

2007-04-03T14:29:00.000-07:00

Like the rest of America, I’ve been glued to the television for the past three weeks, soaking up the beauty that is March Madness.

(Side Note: This was probably the worst tournament in recent memory, just terrible all the way around. My heart was also broken for poor Greg Oden on Monday night. He was heads and shoulders above everyone else on the floor, and his teammates let him down in every way imaginable. If I were Oden, I would have walked off the floor with about 5 minutes left to protest my team’s collective sh*tting of the bed. Anyhow, enough with my rant; back to the blog.)

While most bloggers are now writing some sort of tournament wrap-up – praising the obnoxiously brilliant Gators and making unfunny jokes about how old Mr. Oden looks* – I’ve decided to go in another direction. Today I’ll be reviewing the most prominent commercials of the NCAA Tournament. Here goes:

Coke: Coca-Cola

The Commercial: An unassuming 30-something addresses the camera and says, “When I was younger and my grandpa was a coach, I didn’t share his love for the game. So he said, ‘Come be my ball-boy and I’ll buy you a Coke.’ So I did it. A few years later, I was playing in the Sweet 16 and I wasn’t sure if my grandpa could make it. So I called him up and said that if he came to the game, I’d buy him a Coke. He simply said, ‘I’ll be there.’”

Wow, that’s moving…

The Message: If your loved ones don’t care enough to come support you on one of the most important days of your life, try bribing them with a Coke.

Cingular: Cingular Wireless

The Commercial: In these ads, a wise crackin’ Asian spokesperson repeatedly belittles his white friend for not having Cingular as his wireless coverage. They’ve been running these ads for a few years now, and every time I see them a single question comes to my mind: “Why the hell is the white guy friends with that d-bag?” I mean, if any of my friends were ever seriously offended by my wireless network, they wouldn’t be my friend anymore. I realize the commercials point is to make the viewer aware of Cingular’s awesomeness, but are there actually people out there who feel that strongly about cell phone coverage? I mean, I only make fun of my friends for things like body weight, inability to get a “lady,” and their parents being separated.

The Message: Switch to Cingular, or else your friends will openly mock you about your wireless coverage. Also, Asians are much cooler than Caucasians.

Gatorade: Gatorade AM

The Commercial: Gatorade has a new product out called Gatorade AM. Apparently, it’s entirely different than regular Gatorade, because this is Gatorade you can drink in the morning. I mainly bring this commercial up because Kevin Garnett looks great in his milkman outfit, and Peyton Manning patting his ass is even better.

After seeing this ad I wondered if Gatorade would reimburse me for all the non-Gatorade AM’s I drank during the mornings of basketball and soccer two-a-days. Also, can you drink Gatorade AM after noon? And if so, is it still Gatorade AM or does it then become just Gatorade?

The Message: You can’t drink regular Gatorade in the morning anymore.

Smith & Barney: Financial Advisor

The Commercial: This is a series of commercials in with the camera pans in on people lost deep in thought. We then hear a voiceover of their internal dialogues. These people are thinking about some heavy-duty sh*t, and apparently this is the kind a thing you can talk to a Smith and Barney financial advisor about, because all the commercials end with a guy saying, “Throw out the notions of what you think you can talk to a financial advisor about. Smith and Barney.”

I’m not at the point in my life where I need to speak to a financial advisor, but I do have an idea of how to make these commercials better. Have a couple, both lost in thought. We see that the woman’s voiceover is all about this serious financial stuff. Then we pan to the guy, who’s just thinking about gross sexual things. Like the woman’s voice over would say: “I don’t know what we’re going to do when John retires,” or “What about the kids going to college?”

And then the man’s voiceover would be like: “I’d love to have sex with a black chick,” or “I wonder if Cheryl would want to have a threesome with my secretary.”

I feel like this commercial would be more accurate and would probably persuade me to go talk to a financial advisor at Smith and Barney.

The Message: You can talk to your financial advisor about anything. Including (presumably) sodomy.

Enterprise: Car Rental

The Commercial: They’ve been running these same ads since 1995, so you’ve probably seen them before.

The Message: It’s 2007, and Enterprise still picks you up in a gift-wrapped car.

Pontiac: Convertible Freedom

The Commercial: This ad campaign is fairly simple. They just have a bunch of people sit against a black screen spouting anti-convertible propaganda. I find it hard to fathom that anyone would actually be against convertibles. I find it even harder to believe that people would be more apt to buy a convertible based on these anti-convertible stances.

Honestly, none of this adds up. Apparently the masterminds behind Applebee’s Gilligan’s Island ads and McDonalds’s commercials from the last decade have been hired by Pontiac. I mean, honest to gawd, who the hell thinks these commercials are funny? Well, probably my boy Joe Hickle**

The Message: Apparently there are people in this world who are anti-convertible. Buy a convertible to show these people who’s the boss of your life. Or something.

Until We Meet Again

* While I don’t approve of unfunny jokes about how old Greg Oden looks, me and my friends who I was watching the game with decided that he was probably able to buy beer at age 12.
** While in Vegas, my older brother Max figured out that every time you see a commercial and wonder ‘Who would laugh at this?’ Joe Hickle is probably laughing at that commercial.

What Team Are You On?

2007-03-30T13:31:00.000-07:00

Before I get to today’s post, there’s a few things that I feel need to be addressed.

1.) It looks like Former Tiger’s Pitcher Ugueth Urbina will now be a catcher:

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2815590

2.) After much debate and soul searching, I decided that I really don’t want to write about my Vegas trip, mainly because it would take too long. I may write it at a later date, but for now I’m too busy. My apologies to everyone who was looking forward to reading said report, which by my estimation was about 1.5 of you.

Anyhow, here’s a funny story that happened to me at work last night.

So the Afro-American cook, Rick, is the only other person working with me on the night of this incident. We’d been pretty slow all night, and by slow I mean I didn’t get my first table ‘til 7:45 PM. We close at nine, so I figured that nothing interesting was going to happen. Boy was I wrong! (Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m writing first person narrative for a 21st century version of The Boxcar Children. Sorry about that.)

So right after 8 PM, after being dead all night, I get 5 tables in the span of 5 minutes. Believe it or not, trying to wait on 5+ tables when you’re doing almost everything – taking orders, bussing tables, making drinks, running out all the food, etc. – is not the most enjoyable of experiences. It can actually be really stressful. But this isn’t a post of me b*tching and moaning about how hard my job is, mainly because it’s pretty easy. No, this is a post about something much different.

Once the rush hit, my night consisted of running around trying to keep a bunch of tables happy, all while trying to act like I had my sh*t somewhat together. In the midst of all this, I noticed that two guys who were dinning together – both of whom resembled theatre majors – keep starring at me. Naturally* I assumed this was because they needed something. So I went over to ask them what was going on and if they needed anything. To my surprise, they both said no and that everything was fine. It was at that moment that I started to become a little bit uncomfortable. I then went on to check up on a few more tables. While I was doing this I kept noticing in my peripheral vision that the two “theatre” guys were looking me up and down. I then spun around to look at them and they both gave me flirty smiles. Needless to say, this made me very uncomfortable, as these guys were blatantly checking me out. And no, dear readers, I’m not over-exaggerating. I haven’t been eye-f*cked that hard since my boy Jake stopped drinking**.

I then rushed back to the kitchen, probably looking like I’d just seen a ghost. Rick noticed something was up and asked me what was going on. I told him the story, which immediately made him laugh. We then had the following conversation about my traumatic experience:

Rick: Oh man! (giggling like a school girl). I’m not sure I would have told anyone that.

Me: Yeah, well.

Rick: YYYYeeeeaaaaaaah! Sexy C!

Me: (trying desperately to save face) Hey, if at least one team is scouting and recruiting you, it can’t be all bad, right?

Rick: Yeah, but that’s the team you don’t want scouting you at all. You don’t want to be nowhere on their radar.

Me: Not saying I disagree with you, but look at it this way: If you’re getting recruited by North Carolina, and even if North Carolina’s the only school you’d ever, ever go to, you’re still getting noticed if some school comes out of nowhere with crazy recruitment offers. Like say Murray State showed up and offered me a car, my mom a house, and my dad a job if I go play there. Even though North Carolina’s the only school I’d ever go to, and I wouldn’t even consider Murray State’s offer, I’m still going to appreciate the attention.

Rick: No, those are the recruiting letters you throw away, soon as you get’em. You got to treat them like bills, just toss’em out. I mean, you know that you going to North Carolina, so it doesn’t matter who else is recruiting you. That’s why you just throw those letters out, immediately. At least that’s what I’d do. I’d just be like “Creighton? Why the f*ck are they recruiting me?”

Me: Good point, good point. By the way, did I mention that the only school I’d ever go to is North Carolina?

So there you have it, a funny story for everyone!

(Disclaimer: I’m really not a homophobe, although this story may lead you to believe the exact opposite. This situation just caught me off guard and I thought that our conversation needed to be shared with you. Honest.)

Until We Meet Again
* Or ignorantly
** Back in Jake’s alcoholic days, he had some gender-confusion issues when drunk. For Reals. P.S. We’re all proud of you for your sobriety Jake. Also For Reals.

Prelude to Vegas

2007-03-23T11:53:00.000-07:00

So last Thursday through Sunday I was in Vegas, toying with death. I’ve been trying all week to write about said trip, but it’s taken longer than I thought. The main reason for this is that there’s a sh*t ton of context that goes along with every semi-funny anecdote from the trip. That and I just started two new classes (thank God for community college and their 8 week classes), so free time is a little hard to come by these days. Anyhow, to tide everyone over for the week I’m going to relay a few stories that didn’t really fit into my main Vegas blog (or stories that I just forgot what day they happened). Anyhow here you are:

The Shampoo Theory:

I’m not sure who originally came up with this theory, but I heard it from my friend Dave.
It’s a pretty simple theory that can help to explain a lot of life’s queries. Here it is: Sometimes when you’re showering, you don’t get all the shampoo out of your hair. You go through the day without noticing, and it has no impact on anything you do. However, the next day when you’re in the shower, you get a good lather just by rubbing your hair. Without putting in any more shampoo, you get a good lather just from the leftover stuff in your hair. Well, the same applies to drinking. You can wake up from a night of drinking and feel fine, but once you’ve thrown a beer or two down at the Black Jack tables you realize: “Oh sh*t, there’s still a lot of booze left in my system. I’m kinda buzzed right now.” As any of you who’ve ever been to Vegas know, the shampoo theory comes to life far too often.

Clown Car Elevator:

I’m really not sure which night this happened, but it was one of my favorite random highlights of the weekend. One night after dinner, my older brother Max and I headed up to our room to get some cigarettes*. As we waited to board an elevator that had just reached the lobby, about ten guys in dress shirts came out. I made the never funny, but always necessary, “What is this, a clown car?” comment. Well, I jumped the gun with this comment in a big way. After I said it at least 15 more guys poured out of the elevator. This elevator couldn’t have been bigger then 10x5 ft. Yet somehow these 25-30 guys managed to squeeze inside of it. For some reason this happened to be the funniest thing I’d ever seen. I was completely sober and I couldn’t stop laughing. I literally giggled for about 3 straight minutes. I’m not sure why this was so funny, or why I’m even writing about it. I guess I just needed to fill space…

Joe Hickle Losing His Soul:

Joe is a very good friend of mine who wasn’t quite the MVP of the weekend, but was certainly the MIP (Most Important Player) of this trip. Joe was everywhere this weekend, which wasn’t necessarily a good thing for him. Things went downhill quickly for young Joseph when he blew $50 on roulette despite being up $125 at one point. That was Thursday afternoon. Joe followed that up just a few hours later with a tremendous showing at the Black Jack tables. Joe’s highlight moment had to be hitting on a 14 with the dealer showing a 6. Predictably, he busted and caused the whole table to lose. He also probably ruined the entire shoe**. Thanks again Joe, you owe me at least the hundred I lost at that table.

It should also be noted that before Joe hit, the entire table, as well as the dealer, was yelling at him to stay. Always fun when the dealer steps in to ridicule someone. Other things Joe did last weekend include:

a) Continually pointing out how buff Carrot Top was every time we saw one of his ads. We actually saw Carrot Top walking around the casino late one night. We were all frightened that Joe was going to try to make a move on him. Luckily for all parties involved, Joe froze up. All he could do was excitedly tell us how “ripped” Carrot Top was in person.

b) Stealing money from his friend Mike D (more on him next week). Mike D gave Joe $20 to place a bet for him. Joe, in all his glory, miscalculated his own bets and the took $5 out of the $20 Mike had given him to place his own bet. What a great friend.

While all of the above may lead you to believe otherwise, Joe saved his best for last. On Sunday morning, about two hours before we had to check out, Joe stumbled into our room. He was extremely drunk and hadn’t slept all night. Luckily for him, he passed out in about 30 seconds and was able to sleep for an hour and a half before we had to check out. Needless to say, Joe had a great Sunday and a dynamite weekend. I could probably write a whole lot more about Joe’s weekend, but I’m lazy and I think the man has had his dignity beat up enough in the last 8 days.

Well, that’s it for now. Before I go, please allow me to apologize to Joe for tossing him under the boss for the sake of my blog. I’m sorry Joe, but what happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay there… gawd I hate that slogan.

Until We Meet Again

* Don’t worry dear readers, I’ve quit for good. I’m currently on my 5th day and it’s been incredibly easy. Woot.
** The shoe is the device that a black jack dealer deals all the cards from.

Bracket Breakdown Part ii: East and South

2007-03-14T22:58:00.000-07:00

So Monday I dissected the Midwest and West Brackets, today I’ll do the same with the East and South brackets. Let’s dive right in.

East:

16. Eastern Kentucky – I feel bad for EKU, I really do. If they were a 14 or 15 seed and got hot from behind the arc they’d have a legit chance to make a game of it with a higher seed. Yet they’re a 16 seed set to play UNC. They’re tallest player is 6-8 and they will get demolished by Tarheels’ frontline.

15. Belmont – Famous Belmont alums include Trish Yearwood, Brad Paisley and Lee Ann Womack. I feel like that fact alone should disqualify them from ever partaking in the NCAA tournament. But they’re in, mainly because they hit twelve 3’s in the first half of their conference championship game. If they shoot that well then they just might make a run at Georgetown.

14. Arkansas – The Razorbacks don’t deserve to be in the tournament, at all. I’m not even going to waste my time telling you why they should be headed to the NIT. But I do like their coach Stan Heath, he’s a got a very spherical head.

13. Vanderbilt – So apparently all you need to do is beat Florida to get a decent seed in the tournament. I’m sorry but Vanderbilt is not very good, as evidenced by their 1-4 mark on the road in the SEC. And while I know it was early in the year they also lost to Furman (15-16), at home. While Vanderbilt should be included in the tournament it’s hard to argue with their extremely weak schedule and low rpi that they deserved better then a double-digit seed. I penciled Vanderbilt in for a first round exit before I knew absolutely anything about their opponent, George Washington. After doing some research on GW I feel extremely good about their chances to send the Vandals packing(more on this in a few paragraphs).

12. New Mexico State – I think the Aggies would have been a great upset pick if they weren’t facing Kevin Durant in the first round. However the future is bright for NMSU as long as they can keep Reggie Theus around. Theus has gotten this eclectic group, which consists of 7 D-I transfers to play together. I think he’s going to be an excellent coach in the near future.

11. Marquette – As much as I like Peter Parker look-alike Tom Crean and Dominic James, the Golden Eagles have been flat-lining for the past few months. Wins against an overrated Pitt squad have helped to hide that fact from the general public. Unless James finds his shot Marquette is headed for their second first round exit in as many years.

10. Boston College – In what should be a great first round game, the 7-10 match up in the East should come down to coaching. And who do you want to side with, Bob Knight or Al Skiner? Yeah I’m going with Knight too.

9. Oral Roberts – A lot of people think ORU has a legitimate shot at upsetting Washington State in the first round. Those same people have either not see Washington State play this year or subscribe to the idea that you have to have great athletes to have a great team. Oh well, enough about Wazzu. Let’s get back to the awkwardly named Oral Roberts. Yes I realize they’re named after an semi-famous evangelistic, who by all accounts was a shady mofo. All I’m saying if your first name is Oral you shouldn’t have anything named after you. Period.

8. Michigan State – The Spartans tourney fates is one of the hardest for me to decipher. Tom Izzo is an excellent coach and has proved time and again that he’s one of the best tourney coaches in the business. However his team, not unlike the Big 10, is terrible. Anyways I think Izzo gets past Marquette in the first round before losing to UNC by about 30.

7. George Washington – Let’s see the rap sheet on the Colonials is that they like to play at an extremely fast pace and they struggle mightily when they have to play at a slow pace. If GW upsets Vanderbilt like I think they will their second round match up will be against Washington State. Wazzu is a team that slows the pace down, rarely turns the ball over and makes you work for 25-30 seconds on both ends of the floor. Needless to say I don’t see thinks ending well for the Colonials (against Wazzu that is).

6. Texas Tech – Keep two things in mind when reading my critique of the Red Radiers: 1.) I absolutely love Bobby Knight and 2.) Jarrius Jackson is one of my favorite players in college basketball. I think Tech should beat Boston College and then give Georgetown all it can handle in one of the best second round games. Tech has proven it can beat top flight teams this year, with wins over Kansas and Texas A&M (2). They also proven they can play down to anyone’s level, as show by puzzling losses to Nebraska, Oklahoma and Baylor. I think the Red Raiders are a legit sleeper team that almost no one is talking about. Anyhow I have them losing to Georgetown in a game that should go down to the wire.

5. USC – As an Arizona fan I’m hoping the Trojans go on a deep tourney run so Nick Young and Gabe Pruitt go to the NBA as oppose to coming back next year and teaming up with OJ Mayo. However I don’t think ‘SC has a single player capable of slowing down Kevin Durant. However Tim Floyd will coach circles around Rick Barnes so the game should be close.

4. Georgetown – I’ll admit something, I like Georgetown. I enjoy watching them play. They’re an extremely well coached team who plays hard every night. That said, I’m not buying them as a 2 seed at all. Going 13-3 in the Big East is impressive, but not this year. They lost to the two best teams in their non-conference schedule (Oregon and Duke) and didn’t really hit their stride until they started playing in the Big East. And even in the Big East they have suspect loses to Villanova and Syracuse (by 14). And while I like their team, their coach and love shots of Patrick Ewing in the stands, I don’t think they’ll get by Wazzu. However their game against Wazzu should be great and cause any non-basketball fan to claw their eyes out. Both teams play a very deliberate style of basketball that can be painful for just about anyone to watch. First one to 45 wins the Wazzu/G-town game.

3. Kevin Durant – Every one with a pulse knows that Kevin Durant is the best player in college basketball. Most people who have watched Texas play this year also know that his teammates are young, don’t have the highest basketball IQ and that his coach is pretty much incompetent. A lot of people are assuming that Durant is too good not to get his team to the Final Four. I disagree with this logic. While Durant is absolutely unbelievable, I don’t like the North Carolina draw for them. I think the Tarheels are just too deep and too talent for Durant and Co. And before I go on to the next team I’d like to talk about Texas’s shooting guard AJ Abrhams. This guy is something else, you absolutely have to watch him in the next couple weeks. He has absolutely no conscience. He’s like the guy you play pick up with who shoots every time he touches it and annoys the hell out of everyone on his team. You hate it when you have to play with him and it nearly kills you every time you have to pass him the ball. However he always has that one game in which he can’t miss, hits 6-7 threes and propels your team to victory. Well I think the only way Texas beats UNC is if Abrahams has one of those games. Personally the only think I’d like more then Arizona making a deep tournament run is for Durant to make it to the Final Four and face off against Greg Oden. I just don’t think it will happen, for either of them.

2. Washington State – Maybe I just have a bias towards the Pac-10, but I think Wazzu is going to surprise a sh*t ton of people this March. They’re a great team that forces you to play at their pace and they rarely beat themselves. The teams that gave Wazzu trouble this year are teams that are supremely athletic* or teams that play extremely smart. Luckily for Wazzu they don’t face any of those type of teams until the Sweet 16. I like the Cougars more then Georgetown because I think there resume is better and that the Big East isn’t that good(read: I’ve seen Washington State more then I’ve seen Georgetown). Anyways, I think UNC is a terrible match up for the Cougars and will end their season on a sour note.

1. North Carolina – I’m not sold on this North Carolina team at all. However with every one picking Texas as there ‘sleeper’ Final Four team, and me not trusting the majority, I feel that Tarheels have the best chance in this bracket. I like Washington State as a sleeper pick, but I fee like picking them would just be me being an uber Pac-10 homer. I think the winner of the UNC-Kevin Durant game is going to the Final Four. And I trust Roy Williams over Rick Barnes, that and UNC is much deeper and more talented then Durant’s team. Maybe I’m just being selfish. I desperately want UNC to make a deep tourney run because I want to see shots of Tyler Hansbrough in his face mask for as long as possible. Now that dear readers is high comedy.

South:

16. Central Connecticut State – CCSU is the only team from Connecticut in this year’s tournament. They’re also the only team with the Blue Devils nickname that it’s acceptable to root for. Sadly though, the Blue Devils’ first game will be put out of reach 15 minutes after it starts.

15. North Texas – While the Eagles are facing the worst 2 seed (maybe ever) in Memphis, they don’t have enough talent to beat the Tigers. On the upside though North Texas is making their first tournament appearance since 1988. So there’s that.

14. Albany – A lot of people feel that Albany is a closer to a 16 seed then a 13. I have no opinion on the Great Danes, aside from the fact that their nickname sucks. Anyhow I think they’ll lose to Virginia in the first round.

13. Penn. – From everything I’ve heard and read, the Quakers are actually a really good team and should be a tough out for anyone. Unfortunately for Penn they’re playing Texas A&M, who just so happens to be one of best teams in the country.

12. Xavier – I don’t have an opinion on the Xavier, so instead I’d like to use this space to point out the American Idol’s Melinda Doolittle looks almost identical to Shrek.

11. Long Beach State – Neither the 49ers or their first round opponent Tennesse has a lot of size. Because of this people assume it will be a close game and LBSU has a great shot at an upset. People who think this have apparently failed to notice that the 49ers play absolutely no defense. They give up 73 points a game. I think there’s a pretty good chance that Chris Lofton may get 50 in this game.

10. Louisville – Louisville is about a year away from making a serious run at the Final Four, assuming all their young players stay in school. However this year they aren’t very good and I’m allowing my Pac-10 bias to decide their match up with Stanford.

9. Nevada – Nevada is my choice for this years team that whines about how they should have been a higher seed so much that they fail to show up for their first game. That and I think Creighton’s a better team then them. This is another first round match up in which it appears the committee didn’t want mid-majors to upset BCS schools.

8. BYU – The Cougars aren’t known for their defense, especially their interior defense. They have a second round date with Greg Oden. This probably won’t end well for the Mormons.

7. Memphis – DJ Gallo made a great point in ESPN’s A.M Jump on Monday suggesting that the term “Paper Tiger” be replaced with “Memphis Tiger”. Yes Memphis owns a 22 game winning streak and yes they ran through Conference USA, but my rec league team would have finished no worse then third in Conference USA. Memphis’ athleticism should be enough to get them by North Texas, but I think they’ll fall to Creighton in round two.

6. Virginia – While the Cavaliers boast one of the best backcourts in America, they’re not a very good team. If they were playing a better team then Albany in the first round I’d pick them to bow out even earlier. Virginia lost 3 of their last 5, all to non-tourney teams. If you can’t stop players on Miami, Wake Forest and NC State then you’re not stopping Chris Lofton.

5. Stanford – Most tournament previews talk about Stanford’s mascot in their did you know section. This is all well in good considering that everyone always wonders how a Cardinal can be a tree (it’s actually the color Cardinal). However I believe a more interesting tidbit would be that Stanford’s head coach, Trent Johnson, bares a strong resemblance to Satan. Seriously the guy scares the bejesus out of me. Do keep small children away from the television during ‘Furds first round upset and second d round exit against Texas A&M.

4. Tennessee – In case you haven’t noticed yet, I’ve got a man crush on Chris Lofton. I think he’s clearly one of the top 5 scorers in college basketball. Looking at his pod I think Lofton alone can get Tennessee to the Sweet 16. Also I want as many Bruce Pearl interviews as possible, so I’m pulling for the Vols.

3. Creighton – It’s always a good idea to have one MVC team in the Sweet 16, because one makes it almost every year. Anyhow I like this Creighton team and I think they got one of the better draws of the tournament. Creighton’s a better team then Nevada and they’re pressure defense should give Memphis fits. I don’t think Creighton has what it takes to get by Texas A&M though. Run should end at the Sweet 16, unless Kyle Korver still has some eligibility left with his alma mater.

2. THE Ohio State University – Greg Oden and Company should cruise to the Elite 8 and own paper the Buckeyes appear to be the best team in this bracket. There’s really only one thing standing in their way from a Final Four: Acie Law IV. I think OSU should win their first three games before falling in a classic to the Aggies. I really don’t have much more to add about the Buckeyes, except for that I hope Mike Conelly stays in school another year, because he’s going to be something special if he does.

1. Texas A&M – As little as a month ago I wasn’t entirerly sold on the Aggies, then I some them lose to Texas. In that game Acie Law IV hit every big shot imaginable. This guy is f*cking nails. He’s truly amazing. With the game on the line there’s no one, not even Christ’s son Kevin Durant, you’d rather have taking the final shot. I really believe that Law will carry TAMU to the Final Four, after that things get a little shaky. Well I’m starting to get carpal tunnel, so let’s just get to my Final Four picks.

Final Four: Florida over UCLA, UNC over Texas A&M.

Final Game: Florida over UNC.

Until We Meet Again
* Right now every Arizona fan is saying “Hey we’re athletic and they swept us!”. Actually U of A isn’t that athletic, tough as that is to swallow. Jordan Hill and Chase Budinger are both superb athletes, but every other player that plays is an average athlete at best. This is another reason why this is one of the worst U of A teams of the Lute Era.

The Bracket Breakdown: Midwest and West

2007-03-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

So for the past two NCAA Tournaments I’ve broken out my March Madness Manifesto, which was unoriginal, unfunny and took way to much time to write. So this year I’m just going to breakdown each bracket individually. I’ll be ranking the teams in each bracket from 16-1, with 16 being the worst and 1 being the team I expect to advance to the Final Four. Simple enough, right? Well today I’ll break down the Midwest and West Region, tomorrow I’ll breakdown the East and South brackets. Before I get to dissecting the brackets here are a couple of questions and observations I’ve made while staring at my bracket for the past four hours:

- I’m not upset about Arizona’s seed or draw, but if Butler’s a 5 seed and Duke and Vanderbilt are 6 seeds then my beloved Wildcats are a 7 at the very f*cking worst. Then again when you’ve sh*t the bed for the past three months the way the Wildcats have, you really have no one to blame but yourself.
- Texas A&M and UCLA both got the elite 8 handed to them on a silver platter. Neither team has a tough match up until the elite 8. And if the top seeds out of their respected brackets don’t make it that far then neither team will have a rough game until the Final Four. Another bang up job by the selection committee.
- On paper the best match up of the tournament looks to be Kevin Durant vs. UNC in the Sweet 16. Should be similar to last years Washington-UConn game, best player (Brandon Roy) in the tournament going against the best team in the tournament. Yep looks pretty similar to me and it probably will be, right down to the screw job by the refs. I’m just not sure which team the refs will be pulling for.
- How the hell did Arkansas make it in to the tourney? I have a theory that when the committee gets down to the last few at-large bids they just close their eyes and throw a dart at a board that has numerous bubble teams on it and whichever team the dart lands on gets a bid. That’s really the only plausible explanation for the Razorbacks inclusion into the field of 65.

Midwest:

16. Jackson State – Despite having the nation’s second leading scorer, Trey Johnson, the Tiger’s don’t stand a chance against Florida. JSU also shoots 31% from beyond the arc, which isn’t all that surprising considering they’re Lindsey Hunter’s alma mater.

15. Texas A&M Corpus Christi – I have a special place in my heart for this team, because my mother was born in Corpus Christi. Yet the other Texas A&M doesn’t stand a chance against Wisconsin. Interesting fact that the announcers will repeatedly tell the poor souls stuck watching this game: Texas A&M C.C. didn’t even have a basketball team 8 years ago. And believe me when I say that fact is completely relevant when discussing their current team.

14. Miami (OH) – Now I know what you’re thinking, “Hey you’re just ranking the teams by their seed.” Well, thus far you have as legit point, but that’ll change soon, I promise. Anyhow, you think a kid getting recruited by Miami (OH) ever covers up the Ohio on the letter and psyches himself out, thinking “No way, Miami* is recruiting me!”. These are the things I wonder. That and whether or not coaches still send letters to recruits.

13. Purdue – Let’s look at Purdue’s credentials: The Boilermakers (side note, wtf is a Boilermaker) are 16-1 at home and 6-10 everywhere else. They have a plethora of embarrassing road losses include at Iowa. That’s the same Iowa which is a team that ASU beat soundly. ASU, owners of 9 wins this year. I think it’s safe to say that Purdue doesn’t belong in the tournament and that even this clusterf*ck of a U of A team should hand them their asses.

12. Butler – As previously noted, Bulter has absolutely no right to be a 5 seed. As far as I can tell there are only two logical explanations for their seeding: Either the committee penciled them in as a five in December and was to lazy to change it or the committee knows that a 12 seed always upsets a 5 so they decided to give everyone a gimmie. That said, AJ Graves is one of my favorite colligate players (more on this tomorrow)

11. Davidson – I really wanted to have Davidson be my upset special and have them face 12 seeded Old Dominion in the second round, but then I realized something: I’m pretty sure I pick a 13-12 seed second round match up every year and I feel equally as certain that said match up has never materialized. Therefore I decided to pick Maryland over Davidson, although it should be a great game.

10. Notre Dame – ND looked really good in the first few months of the season, but they haven’t done anything of note since December. In ’07 the Irish have just beaten most of the teams they should have (with the exceptions of St’ Johns and South Florida) and lost to the teams they should have. Apparently the committee didn’t realize that this team is extremely mediocre. Oh well, maybe well get shots of Brady Quinn in the stands during their first round exit.

9. Georgia Tech – The Yellow Jackets are a chic Sweet 16 pick. All they have to do is beat UNLV and a Wisconsin team that is obviously one of the weaker high rated teams. Well I never like to go with popular upset picks and I think GT is too young to make any real noise this year.

8. UNLV – Proof that the committee only uses tools like RPI only when it suits them. The Runnin’ Rebels have a Top 10 RPI and won their conference tournament, but still ended up with this crappy seed. I know the committee says they don’t weigh the conference tournament that heavily but I think Oregon, Arkansas, Kansas, UCLA and countless others would beg to differ. The committee only uses the conference tournament and RPI when it suits them. UNLV got screwed out of a high seed and we the viewing and gambling public got screwed out of UNLV being a high seed, because they would have been an easy upset pick. Anyways, they’ll squeak by in round one before losing to the depleted Badgers.

7. Maryland – I’m sorry to break this to you, but the ACC is vastly overrated this year. I know that appears to be blasphemy, but it’s true. I’m too lazy to look up facts to back up my point, so you’re just going to have to trust me on this one.

6. Arizona – The U of A should roll over a Purdue team that has no right to be in the tourney. So what will it take for the U of A to beat Florida(or more accurately give Florida a decent game)? Well for starters Mustafa Shakur will have to play like he did for the first few months of the season, Jawaan McClean’s knee will have to miraculously heal up and he’ll have to have an outstanding shooting night. Jordan Hill will have to play the game of his young life and Ivan Radenovic will have to remember to show up. That and Marcus Williams needs to shoot well, play great d and not turn the ball over every other time he touches it. That and it would help if someone leaked a tape of Billy Donavan saying that he prefers intercourse with Al Horford as oppose to Joakim Noah, because Noah always wants to cuddle afterwards. So yeah that’s pretty much no chance at all. But my Arizona brethren, don’t let this Wildcat team ruin the best three weeks of sports for you, they’re really not worth it.

5. Winthrop – I really like this Winthrop team, but something about them makes me uneasy. It’s probably the fact that everyone is saying that they’re this years George Mason. If that means their head coach acts just like a sitcom dad in interviews then I’m onboard. However I don’t think they’ll get past Oregon.

4. Old Dominion – This is a mid-major that’s the quintessential upset team. They start 5 upper classmen, hit 3’s at a reasonable percentage, they’re top scorer is a power forward who’s at his best when facing the basket, they’re athletic enough to defend and they can hit the boards. Pretty much every ingredient needed to pull of an upset or two they have. Unfortunately their run will end with a 20+ point loss to Florida.

3. Wisconsin – I thought Wisconsin was overrated all year and they’ve played awful since they lost Brian Butch to that horrific looking elbow injury. That said I don’t trust any of the teams in their pod to knock them off before the Sweet 16. Oregon, however, will send them home.

2. Oregon – Almost no team relies on one player as heavily as the Ducks rely on Aaron Brooks. When Brooks is at the top of his game, slashing, hitting 3’s from 5 feet behind the arc and creating shots for his teammates the Ducks can play with anyone. When Brooks is slumping, as he did midway through the Pac-10 season, Oregon can lose to anyone. I think Brooks is going to have a great tourney, until he has to be guarded by Cory Brewer. At that point he and his team will loose, badly.

1. Florida – There’s only two ways to beat the Gators this year: 1.) If their too hung over to play hard. And 2.) If there coach tells a reporter that the team’s leader (Noah) is going to be a bust in the NBA and that Al Horford will be a much better pro and then that reporter unknowingly tells the nation this, thus causing a huge rift in the team. The only way the Gators don’t repeat as Champs this April is if they get clipped by someone in the first couple rounds when they’re not paying attention, which I really don’t think will happen.

West:
16. Florida A&M/Niagara – I feel really bad for the teams that are forced to play in the play-in game. It’s just unfair. It’s like having two small animals fight each other to the death before throwing them in a room with a blood thirsty lion who has eaten in a week. 16 seeds have little to no chance at beating a 1 seed anyway, but that chance becomes onsolete if they have to play a game 2-3 days earlier. I think they should do away with the play-in game and just let both teams play a half each against Kansas or whichever number 1 seed. Or Florida A&M and Niagara could combine their teams roster to create a “Super Sweet 16” seed. Now that’s a 16-1 match up that I’d like to watch.

15. Weber State – Weber almost blew a 20 point lead to NAU in the Big Sky Conference Finals. They’ve learned from their mistake and won’t let a big lead slip away again. Unfortunately Weber probably won’t lead at all against UCLA.

14. Illinois – Sweet Jebus did the Selection Committee overrate the Big 10. This is another team that shouldn’t be in the tourney, seeing as how they’re best wins are against Bradley, Michigan State and IUPUI. Seriously though, if your best wins are against other bubble teams and the best team you beat in your out of conference schedule was Missouri do you really belong in the tournament? Um, no.

13. Holy Cross – There’s a conspiracy theory going around that says the Selection Committee pitted mid-major’s against each other to protect power conference teams from embarrassing upsets. Holy Cross facing off against Southern Illinois is one of the strongest arguments for that theory. The Crusaders are a very scary 13 seed, but I like SIU to beat them in one of the best first round games.

12. Kentucky – Unless the Wildcats make it to the sweet 16 it looks like the Tubby Smith Era is done in Lexington. This team is very good defensively and mediocre at best offensively. In other words, they’re a typical Tubby Smith team. There game with Villanova is basically a toss up, but I’ll give Nova the edge because I’m mildly infatuated by their Freshman point guard Scottie Reynolds.

11. Indiana – With Eric Gordon arriving on campus next year this should be the lowest seed the Hoosiers get for a few years. But that’s next year and the Big 10 was/is awful this year, so I think the ‘Zags will knock them out in round one.

10. Duke – The Blue Devils got an undeserving seed and a great draw for a 6 seed. I’m just hoping that the Basketball Gods are just and send Coach K and his AMEX card packing in round one.

9. Pittsburg – The Panthers scored 17 points in the first half of the Big East Championship game. Seventeen points. In 20 minutes. For those of you scoring at home, that’s absolutely f*cking terrible. During the Ben Howland/Jamie Dixion Era Pitt has been the Oakland A’s of College basketball. They’re great in the regular season and completely worthless in the post-season. While Pitt plays great D, they’d struggle to score against a wheelchair basketball team. They may get by Wright State, but I’d bet my life they won’t be playing in the tournament’s second weekend.

8. Villanova – As I mentioned before I have a decent sized man crush on Scottie Reynolds. He’s one of the most underrated Freshman in the country. I think he’ll be an absolute beast next year and a fringe All-American for the rest of his colligate career. Still though, Nova will probably see their season end at the hands of Kansas. But personally I’ll be rooting for Curtis Sumpter, who deserves a deep tourney run after missing out on last years run due to injuries.

7. Wright State – Most people think Aaron Gray and Pitt’s frontline will dominate the Raiders undersize front line, I’m not buying it. Pitt may blow up and score 30 points in a half, but DaShaun Woods will be the best player on the court during that game so I’ll side with him. However Woods supporting cast isn’t good enough to get him to the tourney’s second weekend.

6. Gonzaga – The ‘Zags have never cared much for defensive, but this team is absolutely preposterous on that end of the floor. Still though Derick Ravio, despite looking like a 5’10 penis, won’t let his team lose in the 1st round. However they’ll get killed by UCLA in the round two in a very boring rematch of one of last year’s best tournament games.

5. Virginia Tech – Sticking with the ACC is overrated theme, I expect the Hookies to bow out in round two. This team isn’t very strong when they’re forced them to play in the half court, which SIU will force them to do. While Zabian Dowdell is a great player, SIU has a defense that can contain him and I don’t trust anyone on of his supporting cast to carry this team when Dowdell has an off night.

4. Virginia Commonwealth – Let’s see VCU is a pressing/trapping team, Greg Paulus is Duke’s point guard. This can’t end well for the Blue Devils. What’s the over/under for turnovers Paulus and McRoberts have this game? 30? Eric Maynor is one of the country’s best point guards; his teams only real weakness is interior defense. While DaShaun Woods and co. should give the Rams all they can handle, they won’t face a team that can expose their interior d until the Sweet 16. However turnovers are few and far between for UCLA’s back court of Darren Collison and Aaron Afflalo, so VCU should be done in then.

3. Southern Illinois – For my money the Salukis are the strongest 4 seed this side of Kevin Durant. They’re also better then a couple of the 2-3 seeds in other brackets. Unfortunately they’re going up against a Kansas team that is, in my opinion, a very poor match up for them. Kansas should dominate the Salukis undersized frontline. However, Bill Self is Kansas’s coach (more on this below), so I guess the Salukis (that’s a fun word to type and say) have a shot.

2. Kansas – As you’ve probably figured out or heard by now, Kansas is the deepest and most talented team in college basketball. They’re seemingly the logical pick to win it all, but they’ve got two factors working against them. 1.) They’re very young. They go 9-10 deep and only three of those players are upperclassmen and they’re all role players. And 2.) Bill Self is their coach. Now I know this seems a little harsh, but Self has yet to prove himself as a tourney coach. He’s actually yet to prove he can develop his great recruits, but that’s a story for another day. I for one will never understand how Self let a team with Wayne Simien, Aaron Miles and Keith Langford as Seniors bow out in the first round. I don’t care if they weren’t his “guys”, that shouldn’t happen. Also last years team, even when you factor in their youth, looked woeful in their first round exit. Either way the Jayhawks have enough talent to get to at least the Elite 8 despite their coach. Still I don’t think it matters who their coach is. They’re not beating UCLA in a glorified home game for the Bruins in the round of 8.

1. UCLA – If you compare the Bruins from this year and last year it’s hard to fathom that they’re actually better this year, regardless of what they do in the tournament. They lost three starters and Luc Richard Mhadadsajkdhaskjdhsak, um the guy who’s a prince and has a weird African last name, has greatly regressed in his sophomore season. So how are the Bruins better this year? Well it all boils down to the best back court in the nation, Darren Collison and Aaron Afflalo. Collison is simply the best point guard in the NCAA’s, unless you consider Acie Law a point guard. He seamlessly creates shots for all his teammates, knows just when to get them the ball and never puts his teammates in a bad situation. As for Afflalo, well he’s more then earned his PAC-10 POY honors. He’s one of the best defenders in the nation and has taken and hit every big shot the Bruins have needed him to (with the exception of the last two games). Lead by their back court the Bruins play some of the nation’s best defense, have a slew of role players who can all produce when called upon and all their games will be in the state of California. Needless to same I feel safest picking them to go to the Final Four.

Well that’s it for today. Check back Wednesday or early Thursday Morning for the East and South breakdown.

Until We Meet Again
* Or for those of you in the known, The U.