The Track Record, Part Deux

It’s that time again. Time for me to revive one of my favorite gimmicks – “The Track Record” – and review the songs currently burning up the Top 40 charts (with a few indie faves mixed in). For those of you unfamiliar with the format, here it is: I review a song, give it a rating, and then provide a link where you can listen to the song. It’s about as simplistic as it gets, so let’s get started:

1.) Modest Mouse – “Dashboard”

I figured this was a good place to start, as this band seems to have nicely bridged the gap between indie and mainstream. “Dashboard” is the first single off Modest Mouse’s new album. While I fully expected this song to be a pseudo-sequel to “Float On” (i.e. something radio-friendly), I was still mildly disappointed. Yes, it’s catchy and better than 99% of what’s played on the radio, but this is not the Modest Mouse I grew to love. They’re obviously trying to score another radio hit here, which I can’t really blame them for. “Dashboard” is not nearly as good as “Float On” (which, once you get past how overplayed it is, is a terrific song). The band comes up with a plethora of fun hooks and even has a new catchphrase to replace “Float On” with. And it’s not a bad song by any stretch of the imagination; it’s just not the vintage Modest Mouse I was hoping for.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/modestmouse
RATING: 3 out of 5 Stars

2.) Gym Class Heroes – “Cupid’s Chokehold”

Gym Class Heroes is a band that I can’t make up my mind about. They’re obviously a studio-put-together band, but they’re still very catchy and enjoyable. Supposedly they play their own instruments and their beats/music is always pretty good. Their lead singer raps like a poor man’s Atmosphere, which isn’t a bad thing at all. What GCH basically is is a new genre I just made up called “Boy Band Hip Hop”. They’re a boy band because some savvy exec. clearly put them together, and they’re catchy as all hell. Anyone who tries to claim that boy bands aren’t catchy, regardless of whether or not they were any good musically, is lying and unsure of their sexuality. Anyhow, back to the song. Yeah, it’s pretty good.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/gymclassheroes
RATING: 3.5 out of 5 Stars

3.) Mims – “This is Why I’m Hot”

I hear this song no less than 30 times a day and I still don’t know why Mims is hot, probably because he never actually says why. All he does the entire song is say 'This is why I'm hot'. What I do know is that this is a terrible song. For starters, it’s never a good thing when a song is 85% chorus. I think one of the song’s opening lines sums it up best: “This is why I’m hot, I don’t even got to rap.” Well, at least not coherently.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/mimsfanclub
RATING: 0.5 out of 5 Stars

4.) Timbaland feat. Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake – “Give It to Me”

I love Timbaland. I think he’s made it pretty clear that he’s better at producing dance-pop and hip-hop than anyone else. I’m very excited to hear his newest album. That said, this song isn’t any good. Timbaland, who’s actually a pretty decent rapper, is in less than 25% of it. The rest is just JT and Nelly singing. And while the beat is good, I don’t care enough about either of those artists to listen to this song. It’s like Timbaland just wanted to remind everyone how big of a role he played in the two biggest albums that came out last year. While this may seem like an a-hole move, it’s one I think I would make if I were in Timbaland’s boots. Pun intended.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/timbaland
RATING: 2 out of 5 Stars

5.) Arcade Fire – “(Anti-Christ Television Blues)”

This is my favorite song off the Arcade Fire’s album Neon Bible, which comes out March 6th. Word on the street is that this song is about Joe Simpson – Ashlee and Jessica’s father. If this rumor is true – and judging by the lyrics, it is – then this is Arcade Fire’s most depressing song to-date, which is saying something considering the band’s first album focused entirely on death. It also might be the best song they’ve put out in their brief career. The song is from the point of view of a man who’s basically asking God if it’s OK to whore his daughter out in the music industry to make money off her career. The man rationalizes it by claiming that it will bring glory to God. The song ends with the narrator asking God if he’s the Anti-Christ. It’s a real upper.
LISTEN: www.beatlawrence.com/2007/02/arcade-fire-to-play-snl.html
RATING: 5 out of 5 Stars

6.) The Fratelli’s – “Flathead”

This song is probably better known as the song from the new iPod commercial. This is a really good song. It’s fun, catchy and rocks pretty hard. That said, I can’t shake the feeling that The Fratelli’s are about 6 years too late for the garage rock revival. It’s a shame, because they would have been a nice third wheel to The White Stripes and The Strokes.
LISTEN: http://youtube.com/watch?v=YmBGfNqm338
RATING: 4 out of 5 Stars

7.) Fall Out Boy – “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s a Dead Arms Race”

I think a better name for this song would have been “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s-a-Band-that Puts-Out-the-Same-Song-for-Every-Single”. But at least their videos are hilarious. Thank god FOB put out a new video. I now finally have something to fill the comedic void According to Jim’s series finale made in my life. Wait, scratch that. I just got word that According to Jim is still on the air and that it’s still exceedingly unfunny. Oh well, Fall Out Boy is still awesome and hilarious. Except the exact opposite.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/falloutboy
RATING: 0.25 out of 5 Stars

8.) Fergie – “Glamorous”

I firmly believe that the c-word* is the foulest, most offensive, most disturbing and disgusting word in the English language. I also believe that no word better sums up Fergie. This c-word of a woman has put out some of the worst music of all time, “Glamorous” is no exception. I really do hate this b*tch. Every time I hear one of her songs, I question God‘s existence. I mean, how could any all-powerful being allow this woman to keep making music? How could he allow her to live in the first place? And how on earth could he allow her to become popular? Before I find the answer to any of these questions, I stop and begin to contemplate taking my own life.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/fergie
RATING: Hitler

9.) Avril Lavigne – “Girlfriend”

I’m not going lie: I absolutely love this song. In related news, there’s an ever-growing amount of evidence that I am in fact Ms. Lavigne’s bitch. She’s yet to put out a single that I don’t like. Now, please allow me to explain myself/cover my ass. This and all of Avril’s songs are far more entertaining than they are good. It’s like listening to a 15 year-old girl bitch. I happen to find this very comical and enjoyable. I also have no interest in finding out what that says about me as a person. Anyways, this song is Avril at her best. Meaning this is the type of kitsch song you put on road trip mixes, the perfect sing-along song for a car full of dudes, etc. And you know what, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m looking forward to the next time I hear this song.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/avrillavigne
RATING: 4 out of 5 Stars

10.) The Shins – “Sleeping Lessons”

I’m going to make two statements about this song that I fully believe to be true: 1) It’s the best song The Shins have ever done and 2) It single-handedly ruined their new album for me. When I first got Wincing the Night Away, The Shins’s new album, I listened to this song about 10 times in a row. When your album’s first song is 10x better than any other song on said album, it tends to hurt the album. I actually enjoy WNA, but after hearing this song, my expectations for it were way too high. Anyhow, I love this song and will most likely put it on every mix CD I make this year.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/theshins
RATING: 5 out of 5 Stars

11.) Adam Stidham – “8th Day Blues”

Another masterpiece from Mr. Stidham. I just can’t get over his brilliance. I really can’t. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I hope God smites the b*tch who broke his heart and inspired this song. Head up Adam, and keep making music. The world needs you. We need you.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/adamstidhammusic
RATING: Far too brilliant to defile with my trivial ratings.

Until We Meet Again
* Rhymes with bunt.

A Copy of My Living Will

So I’ve made it to Denver and outside of the never ending snow, everything’s going great. I’ve yet to find a job and my Arizona Wildcats are now plunging into oblivion, but my spirits are still high. That said I can’t help but feel like this is the end of the line for me. The last person to live in the house I now call home vacated the premises because she thought she was getting carbon monoxide poisoning. And if the carbon monoxide doesn’t kill me, then Marcus Williams’s insistence on trying to take over at the end of games will*. So since my death is likely imminent, I’m submitting to all of you my living will. Know that I love you all.

To My Friends and Family:

I, Calvin Paradise, declare this my final will and testament. My brother/editor Luke Paradise will be the executor of this will. In this will you find instructions for what to with all of my earthly possessions. Good luck and God Bless.

To My Brother Max I leave: My iPod, my Nintendo DS and my jeans. While on earth we were pretty much each others doppelgangers, I want you to remember that I was the more attractive one. Yeah that’s right, I can still fit (sort of) into size 32 jeans. And I’ve totally seen more naked chicks then you**. Boyah brother, boyah.

To My Brother Luke I leave: My pre-recorded toast to play at his wedding. I also leave him all my shirts, since he’s always “borrowing” them and then never returning them.

To My Brother Jordan I leave: My memoir entitled “How to Be Awesome”. This book will teach you all you need to know and then some. God Speed, brother.

To My Sister Abby I leave: A $25 gift certificate to Applebee’s, because we never got to get dinner before I left for Denver and subsequently died. I also wish to spend some of my left over money to buy a “Thelma and Louise” DVD for her and her ‘best friend’ Ashley. Don’t ask.

To My Parents I leave: My love as well as my student loans, sorry.

To My ‘boy’ Sam I leave: My permanent residence in my parent’s house, since he’s there more often then anyone who actually lives there, I figure we should make it official. (Sorry again Mom and Dad)

To My ‘bro’ Billy I leave: A framed, signed photo of my ass. And a nice sturdy chair to sit in.

To My ‘homey’ Jake I leave: My running shoes, get your ass into shape and into the Coast Guard.

To My ‘brosif’ Joe I leave: My starting Point Guard (or is it two-guard?) position on Team Mankind.

To My ‘Main Man’ Travis I leave: My little black book***.

To My ‘friend’ Aaron I leave: My gambling addiction, may it treat you better then it did me.

To Jimmy Asdell I leave: My position on Team Mankind. Hopefully this makes up for all the times you got cut in High School.

To Adam “Heartbreak” Stidham I leave: All the sad songs I’ve ever written. May you achieve your dream of becoming the next Chris Carrabba.

To All the Women in My Life: I think I left all of you more then enough. My apologies to all the men who have to follow in my foot steps.

To Everyone Who Didn’t Get Mentioned: Know that you don’t need any materialistic thing to remember me by, because I live on in your hearts. You can all get together several times a week to sing my praises and talk about how great I was. I loved you all. I’ll leave you now with the immortal words of Babe Ruth from “Sandlot”: Heroes get remembered, but legends (like Calvin) never die.

Peace, Love, The Gap.

- Calvin Blake Paradise (1985-2007)

Note to overly-sensitive readers: This was meant as a joke. I don’t wish to or plan on dying anytime in the near future. For those of you who don’t think faux living wills are funny then you seriously need to examine your life, because you’re probably not funny.

Note to all my friends who were mentioned and that I most likely offended: I’m so very sorry, I was trying to be funny. I love and miss you all.

Until We Meet Again

* This has no place in this post, but please allow me to rant about the current state of Arizona basketball. Our program has not won a meaningful game since the 2005 Sweet Sixteen. The current team refuses to get over the hump, it’s like someone told them that a single digit lose counts the same as a win. They’re the biggest group of teases I’ve ever seen. This team is currently shooting horrendously, so they play just enough defense to keep the game close so they can make a run at the end that will fall short. I can’t take it anymore. It’s literally driving me insane. I can’t stop thinking about games in which I have absolutely no power in determining the outcome. For those of you reading this who aren’t U of A fans, let me tell you it’s one of the worst mistakes you can make in your life. It’s like willing signing up for 5+ months of mental, emotional, spiritual and at times physical torture. That said I wouldn’t change my affiliation/obsession for the world. I still have faith in Lute and I still have faith in this team. Bear Down.
** This is only true if there’s a way to see a negative number of naked chicks. Bear Down.
*** My actual black book, not that sh*tty Britney Murphy movie… Bear Down.

Musical Q+A

So I’m writing this while I’m at work and about to pass out from exhaustion, so I need to apologize if this reads like the ramblings of a drunken man. Now that that’s out of the way, today I’m going to be answering your questions about music. HURRAY!?!?!!?!? And while they all may not be real questions (it’s about an 80/20 split), you’d ask them if you knew how or had any courage. Let’s get it started.

Q: So every time one of Paris Hilton’s singles comes on, I not only don’t change the station, but I start taping my foot and eventually singing along to it. I feel terrible about all this. It feels as if my soul is dying. What should I do?

- Adam S., Los Angeles

A: I think I can help you out here, except for the fact that Paris’s whole record is ridiculously good. For those of you who haven’t heard – don’t judge and keep in mind that absolutely none of the album’s strong points have anything to do with Hilton, except for the money she spent on producer Scott Storch. This is pretty much the perfect pop album, with shades of Kelly Clarkson’s Breakaway*. While Hilton’s voice is more produced than the one’s you’d find on a Zoog Disney musical, it in no way takes away from these great pop songs. Nor does the fact that Hilton is one of the most repulsive human beings currently alive. The album is just really, really, really well done. And in case you’re wondering, the answers yes – it nearly kills me every day that I like this album.

Q: Hey bro, WTF is up with Badly Drawn Boy? His new album blew! I mean Pitchforkmedia.com (a.k.a The Bible) gave it only a 2.8 out of 10! Where has the BDB of his two (or at least 1 ½ ) pop masterpieces gone? In related news, the Grizzly Bears record might be the best Post-Rock album I’ve heard in the last 5 years.

– Max Michael, My Parents House.

A: Um, thanks for the update, I guess. Anyhow, about the new BDB, yes it was a disappointment. But it wasn’t the train wreck most have portrayed it to be. For the most part, the album is just pleasant, ignorable chamber pop. It has some great highlights, esp. “The Time of Times,” which steals its main rift and cord progression from BDB’s “The Shinning”**. While I’m as mad as anyone that BDB is over-producing his songs and trying way too hard to make them grandiose, talk of his decline has been greatly exaggerated. He still has a few great songs per album, while never coming close to his early work. In a way, he’s the British Ryan Adams. His decline just isn’t as Weezer-esque as critics are panning it to be.

Q: So while this has been a decent year for music, I’m already pumped for ’07 with new albums from Modest Mouse, The Shins, Andrew Bird and The Arcade Fire. Any suggestions of what I should listen to while biding my time waiting for the above-mention releases? Thanks.
– CBP, T-Town.

A: I share your sentiments, friend, and here are my suggestions. For Modest Mouse, pick up The Figurine’s album Skeleton. I will say that the comparison isn’t really fair to The Figurines, considering their biggest influence is probably The Flaming Lips. There’s also shades of Hawksley Workman in there as well. All in all, this is just a terrific album. For The Shins pick up the Kite Flying Society’s debut album. The KFS are very solid, yet rarely spectacular. They do a very suitable job of putting out the Lo-Fi pop that The Shins have mastered. As for The Arcade Fire, well, it seems like every new indie band is basically trying to cover The Funeral, so your options are plentiful. No one of theses albums is good from top to bottom, so I’ll just recommend a few songs: “We Used to Vacation” and “Hospital Beds” by Cold War Kids. Also try “The Funeral” and “St. Augustine” by the Band of Horses. And as for Andrew Bird…well, just listen to his old CD’s. ‘Cause truth be told, Andrew’s playing a different game then everyone else.

Q: So what are you listening to these days?

– Claire.

A: Well, current CDs getting heavy rotation in my life are Patrick Park – Loneliness Knows My Name, Okkervil River – Black Sheep Boy, Ben Kweller – Ben Kweller, Willie Nelson – Songbird, and Mewithoutyou – Brothers, Sisters.

Q: So there is this interview with Panic! at the Disco in the new NME magazine. In this interview, they declared two things. First, “emo is blullsh*t,” and second, “We are the next Radiohead.” Your thoughts?

–Marko, Denver.

A: I felt like I needed to end with this particular question. I’m not sure what exactly should be my reaction to PAD’s*** quotes should be. I can’t decide whether I should be overjoyed by the humor of their ignorance or infuriated by it. The first thing that I have to say is that if your goal is to be the next Radiohead, you might not want to start out as a cover band for someone as sh*tty as Fallout Boy. Secondly, I find it sort of ironic that Emo has become the new glam metal. No band wants to be branded with the label of Emo. I mean, PAD is a lot of things, mainly sh*tty and obnoxious, but the one thing they are more than anything else is Emo. Maybe the band is saying that they are, in fact, bull sh*t. If that’s the case, then maybe I should ignore their ridiculous quote. But I doubt that’s the case. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go prepare for the Rapture as PAD’s stupidity has convinced me it’s coming at any moment.

Until We Meet Again.

* Another great mainstream pop-rock album. In related news, after admitting to like both these albums, I will henceforth be snubbed by all hipsters at future shows at Solar Culture and the Rialto.
** Seriously it does. Listen to both closely.
*** I’ve never been a fan of people abbreviating band’s names, especially sh*tty ones. But I have to do it here because I’m lazy and don’t want to type it out every time.

The Track Record

I feel pretty strongly that iPods should have half stars for their star rating system. For those of you unfamiliar with what I’m talking about, iPods allow you to rate all the songs you upload with stars. That way, people who are OCD about their music can then rate all their songs on a scale of 1 to 5. Much to my chagrin, they don’t have half stars. This causes me a lot of stress, because I’m left to wonder what I should do for songs that are better than 4 stars, but not quite worthy of 5. Anyhow, today I’m going to be reviewing several songs that have come out in the past few months, and I will be rating them on a scale of 1 to 5 stars. But unlike those cocky bastards at Apple, my rating system will allow for half stars. Let’s get to the song reviews.

1.) Justin Timberlake – “Lovestoned/I Think She Knows”: Regardless of how much solo success he has, Justin Timberlake will always be remembered as one of the founding members of NSYNC, and the guy who took Britney’s V Card. In many ways, Justin will always be viewed as a teenager. Timberlake realizes all of this, which is why his second album is completely over-sexed. Unfortunately for JT, while he may be grown up, his lyrical stylings are stuck at freshmen prom. When he drops lines like, “She looks like a model, except she’s got a little more ass,” you can almost hear him fearing that someone is going to make him wash his mouth out with soap. Juvenile lyrics aside, there’s a lot of reasons to dislike this song, mainly the excess amount of beat-boxing, and the fact that he’s trying to create a new catch phrase with “Lovestoned.” That said, this is still a really good song. Timberlake gives the song tremendous depth with the best dance beat of the year, and the song’s over-ambition pays off at the 4:40 mark when it becomes the best Coldplay song I’ve ever heard*. All in all, this is a very enjoyable song.
Listen: www.myspace.com/justintimberlake
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars

2.) The Killers – “When You Were Young”: Brandon Flowers, the lead singer of The Killers, claimed that his band’s new album, Sam’s Town, is one of the best albums of the last 15 years. Whether he’s joking or not remains to be seen, but “When You Were Young,” the lead single off the new album, feels like it’s trying to be the lead single off an epic album. This song feels like Flowers is trying to write a generational anthem. And while he fails in that regard, he succeeds in writing a tremendous power pop-rock song. Aside from the fun line, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus,” the song lacks any lyrical depth, but most of the time it’s rocking too hard to even notice.
Listen: www.myspace.com/thekillers
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars

3.) Nick Lachey – “What’s Left Of Me”: While I enjoy this song, it’s far more entertaining than it is good. Lachey croons about how he’s “Half the man I thought I would be” now that Jessica is out of his life. Needless to say, it was a brilliant move by his publicist to try and convey Lachey as a heartbroken divorcee. Nick seems to have won enough sympathy points that fans will overlook the cheesy lyrics and the growing evidence that he can’t really sing.
Listen: www.myspace.com/nicklechey69
Rating: 3 out of 5 Stars

4.) Sunset Rubdown – “Stadiums and Shrines”: I felt my indie street cred slipping after I reviewed three straight Top 40 hits. So to gain back some credibility with the hipster crowd, I’ve decide to review the best song of Spencer Krug, the lead singer from the Wolf Parade side project. Not only is “Stadiums and Shrines” the best song off Sunset’s album, Shut Up I’m Dreaming, but it also sums up the entire band. Lyrically, and at times musically, it’s a little awkward and out there. Musically, it’s a combination of great guitar rock and an almost cartoony collection of an odd assortment of instruments. Needless to say, the song is great and has a couple of soul-owning guitar riffs in it. If you’re unfamiliar with the band, I highly recommend that – at the very least – you check out this song.
Listen: www.myspace.com/sunsetrubdownfans
Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Stars

5.) The Decemberists – “O Valencia”: Anytime an indie band, such as The Decemberists, signs with a major label (in this case, Capitol) their fans always worry that the group will have to compromise their sound in order to sell records. Being a fan of The Decemberists I too was worried that one of my favorite bands might “sell out.” Thankfully, that’s not the case with the Decemberists’s newest album, and major label debut, The Crane Wife. On this song, Colin Meloy continues in his long tradition of writing novellaesque songs. This song tells us about a Romeo and Juliet-type star-crossed lovers, whose families just happen to be rival gangs. Meloy masterfully tells their story, switching moods seamlessly from love to tragedy to revenge. Even on a major label, Meloy is still a writer of fiction**.
Listen: www.myspace.com/thedecemberists
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars

6.) Paris Hilton – “Stars Are Blind”: I realize I’m in danger of losing my non-elitist crowd (if I actually have one), so I’ll now switch back to pop hits. I’ll be honest, I really wanted to hate this song. Unfortunately, Ms. Hilton hired a couple of brilliant song writers and producers. Hilton hired the tandem that does all of Gwen Stefani’s songs, whose names currently escape me. Against my better judgment, I have to admit that this is a perfectly constructed pop song. It’s like one of those songs you’d listen to when you were 12 or 13 and think about life and what love is like***. The only question I have about this song is how mad Gwen must be that this song wasn’t written for her.
Listen: www.myspace.com/parishilton
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Stars

7.) JoJo – Too Little, Too Late: I’m not sure which isworse, this song or the ungodly amount of “I knew she was going to be hot back when she was 13(or howeverold she was when her first single came out)” jokes it spawned. Actually this song isn’t that bad, it’s justignorably tween pop. I’m mean it could be worse, it could be…
Listen: www.myspace.com/jojoonline
Rating: 2.5 out of 5 Stars

8.) Fergie – London Bridge: I give Fergie credit where credits due, she actually made a song that was equally, if not more, obnoxious the ‘My Humps’. This song is an absolute train wreck, an outright musical abortion. If real life was more like wrestling this would be the Anti-Christ’s entrance music.
Listen: www.myspace.com/fergie
Rating: .5 out of 5 Stars

9.) Sparklehorse – Shade and Honey: This will be the last indie track I review, honest. This little diddy is the best song off Sparklehorse’s new album. It’s classic Sparklehorse, meaning it’s a great winter morning song. It also has one of the best opening lines I’ve heard in some time: “I could look at your face for a thousand years. It’s like a civil war of pain and cheers”. I’m not even a women and I kinda want to sleep with Mark Linkous (the band’s lead
singer).
Listen: www.myspace.com/sparklehorse
Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Stars

10.) Adam Stidham – Latest Mistake: Epic. Masterful. Maybe the best song of all time. Stidham is clearly a pure, integredous young man who makes music that all musicians should aspire to make. This virtuous soul can teach us a thing or two about love and life.
Listen: www.myspace.com/adamstidhammusic
Rating: 27 out of 5 Stars

Well that’s it for now. I might post something in the next few days explaining my extended absence and answer some burning questions.

Until We Meet Again

* It doesn’t actually turn into a Coldplay song, it just changes from dance-pop to Brit -rock almost seamlessly.

** My apologizes for that awful, indie pun.

*** For those of you wondering, the song I listened to was “Lovefool” by The Cardigans