Roger Federer: Is He a Subconscious A—hole?

Since I’m currently unemployed and go to a college that by any scholastic measure is a complete joke, I now have more time on my hands then I know what to do with. So how exactly do I pass my time? Mainly by reading, listening to music, playing racquetball, playing Trivial Pursuit, fretting over my Arizona Wildcats, watching basketball and playing Silver Strike Bowling 2007*. While this is generally enough to keep me at least mildly entertained and get me through the day, lately I’ve needed a little something more. And that something more has come in the form of the Australian Open.

Now I’ve never really been a huge tennis fan. I’ve always enjoyed it and can appreciate the talent the players have, but I’ve never gone out of my way to watch tennis. All that changed about two weeks ago. Now I make sure I’m home by 1:30, 2:00 A.M. the latest so I can watch tennis. I’m not really sure where this newfound love for tennis came from. It could be that I’m still flabbergasted every time they say that it’s actually summer in Australia. Or it could be that I’ve secretly been in love with tennis since I saw the romantic comedy “Wimbledon.” Or it could be something else entirely, but that’s not really important. What at the moment is important, at least for me, is men’s tennis. I don’t watch any of the women matches, except those that involve my future wife Maria Sharipova. Because of that today’s post will be entirely about men’s tennis, and mostly about the man who dominates it: Roger Federer.

Now I won’t be writing about Federer’s brilliance, considering David Foster Wallace** already did that about as well as anyone could. I mean it’s fairly obvious to anyone who can see that Federer is the best tennis player of all time and easily the most dominate athlete alive. So instead of retreading that tired old ground, I’m going to be asking the hard hitting question that needs to be examined: Is Federer an a$$hole?

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Federer, let me tell you that he carries himself with as much grace and dignity as humanly possible for some so superior. But that’s just the thing that I think may make him a jack-ass. Not only is he heads and shoulders above everyone else, but he’s probably the nicest guy in tennis too. Unlike dominate athletes in other sports, it’s almost impossible to hate Federer. He’s a virtuoso in the truest sense of the world. Whether or not you know anything about tennis, it’s incredibly clear that Federer is much, much better then everyone else. It’s like a major league pitcher having a 200 mph fastball, it’s just not fair. And unlike the Kobe Bryant’s and Peyton Manning’s of the world, Federer doesn’t really have any unlikable characteristics. Despite his dominance, he’s incredibly humble, charismatic and humorous. Unless he plays his absolute worse the only matches he can possibly lose are those on clay to Raphel Nadal. So why do I think he might be an a$$hole? Because he’s so damn good and so damn likable, it’s unfair.

A few nights ago I watch Federer absolutely dismantle Andy Roddick, who is easily one of the top five players in the world. The entire match Federer was hitting shots that seem logistically impossible. Federer dominated the match so much that it actually became painful to watch. As the match wore on, Roddick got more and more frustrated. In the final set, when Federer finally miss hit a shot, an exasperated Roddick yelled “Finally.” Seriously it was heartbreaking. How would you feel if you poured your heart and soul into something and the best possible option for you was to be second best? And to make matters worse the guy who you can never beat happens to be incredibly likable. Towards the end of that match Roddick became so frustrated that I felt pretty certain he was going start crying. Seriously, I thought I was going to see a “Royal Tennanbaums”-style breakdown. They also kept cutting to Roddick’s coach, and former tennis great, Jimmy Conners in the crowd. The whole match Conners had a slightly creepy smile pasted to his face as if to say ‘Yeah my boys getting his a$$ handed to him, but the shots this Federer guy keeps hitting are pretty damn cool.’. I feel pretty confident that we are a few years from one of these great tennis players who realize they’ll never beat Federer having a nervous breakdown. But can you blame Federer for that?

I’m mean what to you do if you’re about 3-4 levels above everyone else at your chosen craft? Eventually you’ve got to get tired of dominating, right? Federer is ruining people’s lives with his brilliance and I think it’s time he started to do something about it. Like why not play an entire match with your wrong hand. Or show up to an early tournament match drunk just to level the playing field. I mean why not try something else to give your opponent a chance? Instead of just mentally torturing your opponents by being worlds better then them and a nice guy, at the very least Federer could start acting like an a—hole. He could easily be a great villain. He’s foreign and dominant, that alone qualifies him for villainy here in the states. So why not start making really arrogant quotes about how much more talented and better looking you are then everyone else. Just imagine the fun if tennis’s best player was also its biggest antagonist. After every point in a tennis match the crowd always cheers irregardless of who scores. So how much better would it be if after Federer scores, which would be most of the time, the crowd erupted in boos and a string of ethnic slurs. I currently love watching tennis, but if Federer became a villain then I would never, ever miss one of his matches.

In closing, I think the world of tennis can make this happen without making Federer a bad guy. Just hold the U.S. Open in Philly and make sure all of Federer’s opponents are American. If Philadelphia fans can boo Santa Clause then they can certainly boo Federer in the name of Patriotism, can’t they?


Until We Meet Again
* For those of you unfamiliar with Silver Strike, think Golden Tee, except bowling instead of golf. For those of you unfamiliar with Golden Tee, get your life together.
** Whose is as dominate in all forms of journalism as Federer is in tennis.