State of the Calvin Address

So after I butcher the sh*t out of my great idea (see the “Athletes In the Bedroom” blog) I felt I need to get back on the horse as quickly as possible and try for redemption, not unlike Peyton Manning last night. I’m not promising a Peyton esque performance, mainly because the mere definition of a Peyton-esque performance changed before my very eyes last night. I will be discussing this and much more in this, the very first, State of the Calvin Address.

What this address, in blogging format, will be is a Statement about my life. Or to be more precise, the (mostly) superficial things in my life. I will discuss what was undoubtedly the best professional football game I’ve ever seen, my slumping Arizona Wildcats, Music, Celebrities and anything else that is currently on my mind. Brace yourself reader(s), your about to go on one hell of a ride.

- It snowed yesterday, in Tucson. That’s right Tucson, Arizona. My hometown. It snowed in the f*cking desert, enough snow to semi blanket the ground. But thanks to the Colts comeback and my epic Trivial Pursuit victory, this wasn’t the most surprising part of my day.
- I feel I need to explain my last post “Athletes In the Bedroom”. I felt, and still feel, that it was a great idea. However I rushed it out, mainly because I hadn’t posted anything in two weeks and felt the need to get something out. Needless to say the finish product was a huge disappointment, especially to me. I was way too subtle and plan on rewriting it in the near future.
- In somewhat non-superficial news, I moving to Denver on the 30th of this month and will be staying there until the end of April. Barring a small miracle I will then be returning to Tucson for the remainder of my colligate career, which at this rate will never end. Don’t you worry rockers, I’ll still be posting semi-regularly during my stay in D-Town.
- The Colts-Patriots game, what can I say other then that it deserves its own section. So here you go:

The Colts-Patroits AFC Championship game:

This was probably the best professional football game I’ve ever seen in my life, here’s a quick rundown of my viewing highlights.

- My good friend and (semi)die-hard Pats fan Billy Mordka came over to watch the game at my house. My two older brothers, my father and I all hate that adulteress f*ck Bill Belichick (Patriots Coach) and were rooting heartily for his team’s demise.
- Knowing he would be the only Pats fan in a house full of overly dramatic Italians, Billy wisely brought with him a framed, signed photo of Patriots linebacker Teddy Bruschi.
- Bruschi’s photo stood upright facing the screen as the Pats raced out to a 21-3 lead. That was when I*, in my superstition, decided the only chance the Colts had for a comeback was to put the aforementioned Bruschi photo facedown.
- While the Colts were down 18 I noted, via text message, to my friend Kerry (who’s a dude) that Peyton Manning had a look on his face similar to someone who had just defecated in their pants. Kerry replied that the word “Bumblefucked” was a more accurate description of Manning’s face.
- At half time I felt torn. While I desperately wanted the Colts to win, if the Pats held on I would be up fifty bucks. You see in an effort to lessen the blow of another victory by the joyless, soul sucking Patriots I bet my eldest brother Max fifty American dollars that New England would win.
- As the Colts were mounting their comeback in the third quarter, culminated with Manning’s best pass of the game/ever on the two-point conversion, I began to feel nauseous. Not because I could potentially loose fifty bucks, a price I was more then willing to pay to for a Patriots’ loss, but because I realize that the Colts (and I) were headed for a gut wrenching loss of epic proportions.
- During several key fourth quarter plays I very nearly vomited, most notably Reggie Wayne tossing the ball in the air to himself on the Colts final drive, but luckily I didn’t.
- When the Colts took the lead with a minute left in the game I was thrilled, until I realized Tom Brady had a minute and two time outs left in which to drive his team down the field for a touchdown. My entire body tensed up as I waited for the cleft-chinned man to drive the stake into my heart.
- At this point Billy subtly put the Bruschi photo upright against the window seal. Luckily we noticed in time and my brother Luke and I were able to corral Billy and knock the photo down. We gave Mordka such a beat down that he no longer tried to let Teddy’s picture face the screen. Instead he clutched it to his chest like a small child as tears began to well up in his chubby eyes**.
- I was so tense that I had to go outside to smoke for the game’s final drive (don’t worry readers I’m quitting in February). As I watch through the window my brother Max and I decided that regardless of the outcome this was one of the best sports games we had ever seen.
- When Brady’s last pass was intercepted I began to jump up and down and scream as if Simon Cowell had just informed me I was going to Hollywood. My father and brother/editor Luke ran outside and jumped around with us. It was a celebration that was as joyful as it was flamboyant.
- In closing this was an amazing game that I will most likely tell my grandkids about. Seriously, this is the type of game that reminds you of why you love sports. On a completely unrelated note, how pissed off is Lovie Smith now that he’s just one of two African-Americans to coach their teams to the Superbowl? Well that question was meant to be rhetorical, so let’s move on.

- I think I’m stealing this idea from my brother Luke, but it’s funny enough that it warrants mentioning: How much better would “We Are Marshall” be if Matthew McConaughey was actually playing David Wooderson, his character from “Dazed and Confused”. After victories he’d say things like ‘Alright, alright’. Or on team bus rides he’d sit next to his QB and ask “Hey you got a joint?” and after the QB said no he’d reply with “It’d be a lot cooler if you did.”
- When I first saw the trailer for “Smoking Aces” I got pretty pumped up and thought the movie looked really good and was excited to go see it. Then I saw that it was called “Smoking Aces”. I then decide to wait at least until it hit the cheap seats to go see it. I mean seriously that’s one of the worst movie titles I’ve ever heard, it could single handedly sink the movie.
- In other movie news I just saw the Spanish film “Pan’s Labyrinth” and it’s beyond amazing. I‘d try to explain it here, but you really can’t. Just trust me when I say it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen before, and I mean that in a good way.
- I’m not sure a band could be more indie then “Asobi Seksu”. Half their lyrics are in English and the other half are in Japanese. That and they actually sound pretty damn good. I’ve only really listened to their single “Thursday” which sounded like a mix between Joy Division, Starflyer 59 and Rilo Kiley (or The Cardigans, it was tough to tell, but I liked it a lot).
- In other musical news, I’m starting to feel guilty about leaving Moros Eros and their rocking debut album “I Saw the Devil Last Night and Now the Sun Shines Bright” off my top albums and songs list. I’ve been listening to their album quite a bit lately and I’m really enjoying it. Fans of Modest Mouse, Arcade Fire, Fugazi and Cursive should probably give it a try.
- Speaking of Modest Mouse, their newest single “Dashboard” is, um… interesting. Needless to say as a long time Mouse fan it makes me a wee bit nervous. You’ll understand once you hear it, it’s actually available for listening on their myspace page.
- In non-music news I’m beyond pumped for the return of Hereos and Veronica Mars.
- In closing will go back to sports. My Arizona Wildcats are in one hell of a slump right now. And when the Cats are down on their luck, I usually am too. Most would think this is because I have an incredibly unhealthy obsession with a team in which I have no impact on the outcome of their games. I like to think that the team and I are somehow connected, and that our fortunes to some extent are interconnected. And I feel like I’m ready to step up and take this team, via my fandom, to the next level. I’m pretty pumped about my 3 month hiatus from Tucson and because of that I think the team will break out of their shooting slump and get back on track. I’m still worried that this team will be done during their first off shooting night come tournament time, but I’m keeping the faith anyway. I just wish 23 had Kirk Walters to come in and beef up the interior defense for 15-20 minutes a game, but oh well. All is not lost Wildcat nation, keep the faith. Right now is a great time to be alive.


Until We Meet Again

* At least I think it was me who did it. If I’m taking credit away from another family member I apologize
** Sorry Billy, it’s only for effect. You’re actually looking quite slim these days. Keep up the good work.