Bringing Unsexy Back

Ok so this is about a week too late, but I went on vacation last Thursday so just pretend that you’re reading this last week.

This post is my response to an article in the Huffington Post about Sarah Jessica Parker’s being named Maxim Magazines “Unsexiest Women Alive”. You can find that article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/russ-wellen/unsexiest-woman-holds-m_b_93160.html

Since most of you won’t click on that link here’s a brief run down of the story. Based on the results of a recent reader poll, Maxim Magazine named Sarah Jessica Parker the “Unsexiest Women Alive”. Needless to say Mrs. Parker didn’t take to kindly to this. In fact she immediately put out a statement saying how offended she and her husband, Ferris Bueller, were about this. I’m going to respond to some of her statements as well as the statements made by the writer of the above article, Russ Wellen. Here goes:

SJP: Am I the unsexiest women in the world?
CBP: In all likelihood, yes. I’m assuming the basis of this poll was to decide who was unsexiest among women that some people would for some reason consider sexy. I’m not sure what kind of person would find you sexy, but they are most certainly wrong. There are certainly uglier women in Hollywood: Rosie O’Donald, Coutrney Love, Andy Dick, to name a few. But no one in there right mind would say they’re sexy. In fact the only people I can think of who would consider you sexy would be gay men and other long-faced women. Let’s just move on before I offend some more people.

SJP: Do I fit some ideals and standards of some men writing in a men's magazine? Maybe not.
CBP: Actually you don’t at all. Unless a man has some sort of horse-face fetish, you fit no ones standards of beauty.

RW: Maxim's readers likely weren't singling her out for a lack of sexiness, which no red-blooded man can dispute at this point. Arguably, it's her long face to which they object.
CBP: Actually they WERE singling her out for her lack of sexiness, hence their bestowing the title upon her. In fact almost everything you said here is wrong. They’re disputing her sexiness by plainly stating that she in fact is not. You are right though in your assumption that they object to her oblong face. This is one of the main reason men think she’s unattractive.

RW: The case can be made that Maxim's readers object to having a sex symbol chosen for them on the basis of her success in a "women's" TV series.
CBP: This claim is also wrong. Men don’t think she is unsexy because she stars in a “women’s” tv show. They think she’s unsexy because her face resembles the bottom of a human foot. She could star be the star of anything and it wouldn’t change this fact. So actually this case can’t be made.


RW: But, as is too often the case with a poll, it reveals more about the voters than the subject. First, Maxim readers seem oblivious to the extent to which their tastes in women have been shaped by today's surgically enhanced models and actresses. Talk about an image being forced down their throats.
CBP: Wait. Are you saying that people’s ideas of beauty are shaped by the culture they live in!?!?!!?!? Holy sh*t, stop the presses!?!?!?!!? Of course everyone’s ideals of beauty are shaped by society, no one is disputing that. In fact even your standards of beauty are shaped by society your pretentious asshat. Like it or not, these are the same standards everyone is judged by. Mrs. Parker is probably well aware of them since she is in Hollywood. Clearly she doesn’t meet the standards of a classic beauty. In fact, I think it’s safe to say she meets almost no standards of beauty. Except for the affirmation foot and horse-faced fetishes.

RW: Secondly, conferring a title as vicious as unsexiest woman alive on anyone reflects a poverty of spirit that, in itself, cancels out a Maxim reader's qualifications to choose the winner of any poll…
CBP: So what exactly are you saying, that only the kind in spirit and pure of heart are qualify to answer the question of who is unsexy? Or to answer any poll at all? Aren’t these people better of using there gifts to better the world then answer. Whether it’s stated by a maniacal dictator or a saint, the truth is still the truth.

RW: …Except for maybe which male mixed-martial-art star they'd most like to be in the ring with alone and naked.
CBP: Whoa, look out!?!?!? A gay joke, one which also hints at sports being homoerotic!?!?!!?? BAAZZING!!! Talk about turning the tables!?!?!?!?!? This guy is firing on all cylinders and clearly can’t be stopped. I give up.

Until We Meet Again