Funny story. On October 16th, 2006 I was sitting at home watching the Arizona Cardinals man-handle the heavily favored Chicago Bears during the first half of Monday Night Football. At halftime of that game I get a call from my friend Billy. He was so pumped by the prospect of the Cardinals finally being good he suggested that we go to the mall and buy hats to show our support for the team. I decided to go with him, but not to buy a hat since all hats tend to further augment the roundness of my face.
During our foray to the mall, I got a call from my father who wanted to know where I was. When I told him what Billy and I were doing, he reacted as if I had just taken a sh*t on his bed. Upon hearing the disgust in my father’s voice I had no choice but to buy a Cardinals hat.
Billy and I then returned to my house sporting our brand new hats. As my father looked at us with repulsion, we watched the Cardinals pull one of the biggest collapses in NFL history, as they ended up blowing a 20 point lead in 28 minutes. Naturally we blamed ourselves for the loss and were amazed at our jinxing powers. Much to my surprise though, my jinxing powers aren’t even close to being the best in my own family. My older brother Max’s are far superior.
Max is currently on a streak in which everything he says about sports is wrong. This could happen to anyone, especially someone who talks about sports nonstop. However, upon closer examination it appears that this isn’t just a phase he’s going though. As it turns out, Max has been jinxing people for an extremely long time. Max is actually the sports version of a “cock block”. Anytime he says something positive about a team, or aligns his affiliation with them, said team is screwed. I did some pain stacking reseach to back this up. Below is a brief list of people, places and events Max has jinxed:
March 2008: Before the start of the Final Four, Max says that UCLA is “the clear favorite” and will win their 12th National Title. Moments after the Bruins blowout loss at the hands of Memphis, Max states “Wow, North Carolina’s got an easy path to the title now.” The Tar Heels then proceed to get outscored 40-12 in the first 10 minutes of their game and end up losing to the eventual champion Kansas
January 2008: Max calls the New England Patriots the best team since “West Germany of Nintendo World Cup Fame.” He follows that obscure references up by telling everyone “Pats are going to crush the Giants. Game won’t even be close.” And that “Rip It Off” by Times New Vikings is the best lo-fi/post-punk album since “Day Dream Nation”
2006: During the NBA Finals Max falls ass-over-tea kettle for Dirk Nowitzki and the Dallas Mavericks, causing the Mavericks to blow a 2-0 series lead and causing Dirk to become the biggest choke artist/head case since Chris Webber
2004: During that year’s ALCS, Max calls the Yankees 3-0 series lead “insurmountable” and claims that Alex Rodriquez will go on to be the best post-season hitter of all-time
1997: Max claims that Brevin Knight will have a better pro career than Tim Duncan, causing Knight to have a mediocre, journeyman career while Tim Duncan goes on to win 4 titles in 9 years, becomes a sure fire Hall of Famer and arguably the greatest power forward of all-time
1991: During the closing moments of Super Bowl XXV Max tells everyone “No way Scott Norwood misses this kick, he’s got ice water running through his veins.”
1983: Max says that the Houston Cougars, lead by Clyde Drexler and Hakeem Olajuwon, will run North Carolina State Wolfpack out of the building in that year’s NCAA Championship Game. After the Wolfpacks’ stunning upset, Max tells everyone that their coach, Jimmy Valvano, will “live forever.”
1977: While watching the first Star Wars film, Max tells the rest of the audience in the theater, “Little Luke Skywalker can’t take down the Death Star. He’s toast,” forever altering the ending of A New Hope and the Star Wars Trilogy
1972: After Doug Collins makes two free throws to the give the United States a one point lead with three seconds remaining against Russia in the men’s basketball Olympic Gold Medal Game, Max says, “The Soviets’ couldn’t beat us even if they had 3 chances.” When the USSR actually gets 3 chances and eventually beats the USA in one of the most controversial finishes in sports history, Max’s calmly states “Well that’s a bummer, but I guarantee that the USA is still gonna except their medals.”*
1948: On November 2nd Max says, in reference to the ongoing Presidential Election, “So much for Truman getting a 2nd Term in office, Dewey’s got this thing locked up. You can print that.”
1939: Max declares that the Polish Border is impenetrable and that “Those effing Nazis will get crushed if they go anywhere near Poland.”
1812: Max loudly remarks “I don’t care if it is winter. Napoleon and Co. will have no trouble invading Russia. None at all.”
Approx. 33 AD: Max boldly states that “There’s no way Judas will betray Jesus of Nazareth. They’ve been tight for years.”**
Until We Meet Again
* Since this one is a little more obscure I’ll clue you in on the joke. Members of the ’72 Olympic team refused to receive their silver medal from that year’s game. Most have even put it in their Wills that their family members can’t receive those medals once they’ve died.
** I can’t take credit for this magnificent joke, the credit for this one goes to Travis Parsley.
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