As I sit here the day after the Cardinals Super Bowl defeat sweating out an odd mixture of PBR, bratwurst, numerous kinds of buffalo wings and feeling so sore that it feels like I played in the game, I can't help but
think that as much as this loss stings in the short term, the lingering affects won't be that bad. Yes it was absolute gut-punch/kick to the groin loss. And sure I'll have to look away in every Super Bowl from now until the end of time when they show Harrison's interception return or Holmes's catch. And yes I'm sure I'll stay up countless nights wondering what would have happened if Fransico hadn't slipped thus setting up Holmes's catch and run that made it 1st and Goal. But even with all the what ifs, I still don't think this loss will have that much staying power.
In the end, the Steelers are a better team than the Cardinals. They'd probably win at least 65% of the times the two teams were to play. What hurts the most about this loss is that the Cardinals played a better game than the Steelers, they just didn't catch enough breaks to win. Yes the loss is going to hurt, but the total context of this loss is what's going to keep it from being truly tragic. Just look at the circumstances of how the Cardinals got here. Once we beat the Falcons in the first round, we were playing with the house's money. After the Jake Delhome game, this was officially the best Cardinals team of the modern era. The comeback win against the Eagles made this the best NFL season of my life and forever changed the way I'll watch Cardinals games. Thanks to that comeback, I'll no longer watch every Cardinals game certain they'll find a new and exciting way to blow it.
I'll now begrudgingly buy some NFC Championship gear, which will go great with my Phoenix Suns 1993 Western Conference Champions, all my UofA Final Four shirts from years other than 1997, etc. But I'm gonna feel a lot better looking at the Cardinals NFC Championship than the aforementioned fan gear because the Cardinals weren't suppose to get that far. There run to the Superbowl was wholly unexpected and exciting, thrilling, and any other cliché you wanna throw out there. It also distracted me from what appears to be the first UofA basketball team in my life time that won't be participating in March Madness. So yes this loss hurt, but in the end I can't really be that upset about it. And pitchers and catchers report in 14 days, which should provide a nice distraction for when the Cardinals management starts effing up this off-season.
Until We Meet Again
Showing posts with label Arizona Cardinals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Arizona Cardinals. Show all posts
Monday, February 02, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Brief Thoughts from Sunday
I feel like I have to write something about the Cardinals historic victory on Sunday, but I'm especially pressed for time this week so I'll just list off a few brief observations from my Sunday spent in front of the TV watching football.
- The Cardinals game started better than I possibly could have imagined, and then the 2nd half started. The Eagles comeback played out exactly the way I thought the whole game would, i.e. Cardinals D unable to get off the field and Warner looking like he shat himself as the Eagles blitz him with apprx. 30 players each down. I should have know what was coming. Soon as the Eagles took the lead I felt sick to my stomach and I was certain the Cardinals were done. In fact I was upset at myself for allowing the Cardinals to sucker me in for the umpteenth time. And then something remarkable happened. For the first time in my life time, actually for the first time in anyone under the age of 61's life time, the Cardinals proceeded to not crumble in the face of adversity. They actually rolled with the punches and put together a remarkable game winning drive that seem to defy all logic. The Cardinals showed grit, determination and a good deal of testicular fortitude while holding on to the ball for 8 minutes as they drove down the field for their game winning touchdown. That drive went against everything the Cardinals have ever stood for and it was a microcosm of this entire post season run. It was the definition of clutch (damnit now I sound like Jason Whitlock). Forget all the hyperbolic media quotes about how amazing the Cardinals going to the Super Bowl is, what's truly remarkable is how the Cardinals got there, namely with that drive. I allowed myself to believe that the Cardinals could win Sundays game, but I never imagined they would have won it like they did. Now I normally hate the 2 weeks leading up to the Super Bowl and the ungodly amount of hype that comes with it, but this year I'm actually looking forward to it. I can't wait read all the overly done and poorly written profile and puff pieces, because this year they're going to be about MY team. Right now I'm so excited that I don't even care that they'll all be extremely redundant and be littered with phrases like "These are not your father's Cardinals", etc. Normally I avoid this type of journalism like the plague, but over the next to week's I'm going to devoured all of it. I plan on reading just about every word that is written about the Cardinals because a.) this has never happened and b.) it may never happen again. So I'm just going try to live in the moment and soak it all in.
- The AFC Championship game bored me to tears. Maybe it's because I was exhausted from rooting for the Cardinals or maybe it's because the Steelers were infinitely better than the Ravens (seriously if the Steelers could have punted effectively and if Swede would have caught that wide open touchdown pass then they would have won the game by 30+) but I could barely get into the game. Even when the Steelers were up 2 and the Ravens had the ball with under 6 minutes left, you knew that the Steelers were gonna stop them and close it out. The game just lacked any real excitement, except..
- For the hit at the end of the game on McGhee, which may have given me a concussion
- It's gotten to the point that I'm going to have to stop excepting samples all together just to avoid being in a Pizza Hut commercial. Between them and Howie Mendel, they're gonna make fools of this entire nation.
- CBS dubbed their inauguration coverage "Change & Challenge". How very astute. Apparently they chose that over "A Black President. WOW."
- Regardless of your feelings on said inauguration, let's all just be thankful that now 99% of Americans will go nearly 4 years without having an opinion on politics. So really it's a win-win for everyone.
- Perhaps my favorite moment on Sunday was when Jim Nantz said “Joe Flacco. Well it hasn’t been a shaky start…” after a Flacco incompletion. At that point in the game Flacco was 1-9 for 2 yards and had thrown and Interception. No, that’s not a shaky start at all, that’s an out and out train wreck. Or a quarterbacking abortion. But definitely not a shaky start.
- Since this country is about to be over saturated with Super Bowl coverage, I'm going to try an abstain from writing anything about it. However, I'd be remised if I didn't at least give a prediction for the Cardinals first ever Super Bowl. Now I have little to know football knowledge, although I was starting QB for my Pop Warner flag football team when I was 6, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. Anyhow, I think this is a terrible match up for the Cardinals. The Steelers have the cornerbacks to match up with Fitz, Boldin and CO. and they're front 7 is impossible to run against and to block for an extended period of time. Warner is going to get lit up. In fact there's a good chance he may get split it half, horror movie style, by a Pittsburg blitz. Unless Big Ben and the Steelers offense has a plethora of turnovers, I just don't see anyway that the Cardinals can win this game. In the end I suspect they'll lose by about 10, but the outcome of this game really doesn't matter. Because just by making it to the Super Bowl and by overcoming all the adversity they faced along the way this team has proven that, these are not your father's Cardinals.
Until We Meet Again
- The Cardinals game started better than I possibly could have imagined, and then the 2nd half started. The Eagles comeback played out exactly the way I thought the whole game would, i.e. Cardinals D unable to get off the field and Warner looking like he shat himself as the Eagles blitz him with apprx. 30 players each down. I should have know what was coming. Soon as the Eagles took the lead I felt sick to my stomach and I was certain the Cardinals were done. In fact I was upset at myself for allowing the Cardinals to sucker me in for the umpteenth time. And then something remarkable happened. For the first time in my life time, actually for the first time in anyone under the age of 61's life time, the Cardinals proceeded to not crumble in the face of adversity. They actually rolled with the punches and put together a remarkable game winning drive that seem to defy all logic. The Cardinals showed grit, determination and a good deal of testicular fortitude while holding on to the ball for 8 minutes as they drove down the field for their game winning touchdown. That drive went against everything the Cardinals have ever stood for and it was a microcosm of this entire post season run. It was the definition of clutch (damnit now I sound like Jason Whitlock). Forget all the hyperbolic media quotes about how amazing the Cardinals going to the Super Bowl is, what's truly remarkable is how the Cardinals got there, namely with that drive. I allowed myself to believe that the Cardinals could win Sundays game, but I never imagined they would have won it like they did. Now I normally hate the 2 weeks leading up to the Super Bowl and the ungodly amount of hype that comes with it, but this year I'm actually looking forward to it. I can't wait read all the overly done and poorly written profile and puff pieces, because this year they're going to be about MY team. Right now I'm so excited that I don't even care that they'll all be extremely redundant and be littered with phrases like "These are not your father's Cardinals", etc. Normally I avoid this type of journalism like the plague, but over the next to week's I'm going to devoured all of it. I plan on reading just about every word that is written about the Cardinals because a.) this has never happened and b.) it may never happen again. So I'm just going try to live in the moment and soak it all in.
- The AFC Championship game bored me to tears. Maybe it's because I was exhausted from rooting for the Cardinals or maybe it's because the Steelers were infinitely better than the Ravens (seriously if the Steelers could have punted effectively and if Swede would have caught that wide open touchdown pass then they would have won the game by 30+) but I could barely get into the game. Even when the Steelers were up 2 and the Ravens had the ball with under 6 minutes left, you knew that the Steelers were gonna stop them and close it out. The game just lacked any real excitement, except..
- For the hit at the end of the game on McGhee, which may have given me a concussion
- It's gotten to the point that I'm going to have to stop excepting samples all together just to avoid being in a Pizza Hut commercial. Between them and Howie Mendel, they're gonna make fools of this entire nation.
- CBS dubbed their inauguration coverage "Change & Challenge". How very astute. Apparently they chose that over "A Black President. WOW."
- Regardless of your feelings on said inauguration, let's all just be thankful that now 99% of Americans will go nearly 4 years without having an opinion on politics. So really it's a win-win for everyone.
- Perhaps my favorite moment on Sunday was when Jim Nantz said “Joe Flacco. Well it hasn’t been a shaky start…” after a Flacco incompletion. At that point in the game Flacco was 1-9 for 2 yards and had thrown and Interception. No, that’s not a shaky start at all, that’s an out and out train wreck. Or a quarterbacking abortion. But definitely not a shaky start.
- Since this country is about to be over saturated with Super Bowl coverage, I'm going to try an abstain from writing anything about it. However, I'd be remised if I didn't at least give a prediction for the Cardinals first ever Super Bowl. Now I have little to know football knowledge, although I was starting QB for my Pop Warner flag football team when I was 6, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. Anyhow, I think this is a terrible match up for the Cardinals. The Steelers have the cornerbacks to match up with Fitz, Boldin and CO. and they're front 7 is impossible to run against and to block for an extended period of time. Warner is going to get lit up. In fact there's a good chance he may get split it half, horror movie style, by a Pittsburg blitz. Unless Big Ben and the Steelers offense has a plethora of turnovers, I just don't see anyway that the Cardinals can win this game. In the end I suspect they'll lose by about 10, but the outcome of this game really doesn't matter. Because just by making it to the Super Bowl and by overcoming all the adversity they faced along the way this team has proven that, these are not your father's Cardinals.
Until We Meet Again
Friday, January 16, 2009
Growing Up Cardinal
In Which I Try and Explain What It's Like to be a “Fan” of the Worst Run Franchise in Sports and How Their Surreal Rise to Prominence has Affected Me
(Edit. Note: I actually am a Cardinals fan. I didn't just jump on the bandwagon during the past two weeks and this isn't some frivolous attempt to be culturally relevant like Rick Riley's truly awful article on Beer Pong)
Webster describes a fan as “an enthusiastic devotee, follower, or admirer of a sport, past time, or celebrity, etc.”. When it comes to my fandom of the Arizona Wildcats, Phoenix Suns and the Arizona Diamondbacks, I feel like this description undersells my over-the-top, border line religious support of those teams. But as far as my NFL team, the Arizona Cardinals, is concern, well that's a different story. For most of my life I've lived in Arizona and I've been a follower of the Cardinals, which wasn't always easy considering 95% of our home games in the metal coffin known as Sun Devil Stadium used to be blackout on local TV because they never came close to selling out unless the Cowboys or 49ers were in town. I've always rooted for them over any other NFL team* and was generally rewarded for my support about 5 times per season. Now going back to Webster's definition, it's truly hard to admire such ineptitude, in fact to call the Cardinals inept seems like an insult to inept teams everywhere. I'm not being over-exaggerating here, after all The Cardinals have only had 2 winning seasons in my life time. In a league that's actually over active in promoting parity, such incompetence is truly something special. The Cards have raised the bar on how to run a franchise into the ground. You'd have to be a masochist to be an enthusiastic devotee of such a putrid team. So really the only part of Webster's dictionary that applies to me is “follower”. Yes I care about the team and have been let down so many times that I've lost count and have been desensitized over the years. Given the years of numbing defeats this team has dealt me then it's understandable why the Cardinals unprecedented playoff surge has felt more surreal than gratifying for me.
Quick tangent: I read an article from a Phoenix paper earlier this week about how the problem with the Cardinals these past 21 years wasn't their horrible owner Bill Bidwell being cheap, but it was the fact that Bidwell just didn't know how to win. WHAT!?!?!?!?! That’s the best excuse they could come up with? If by some chance it’s true that Bidwell didn't/doesn't know how to win, then how dumb is he? How did this guy make enough money to own an NFL team? I mean continuing to own an NFL team and not having a clue how to win makes about as much sense as me saying "Well I don't know how this whole stock market thing works, but I'm gonna pour a lot of money into anyway", and doing that for 21 straight years. I mean this is truly unbelievable. Even if it was true at the beginning of his tenure, don't you think he would have figured something out in his 21 straight years on the job? I mean honestly, this was one of the sh*ttiest articles I've ever read. I would have found it more believable if you had told me that the reason the Cardinals were so bad these last two decades was because Bidwell's mom was sick so he couldn't fully concentrate on running the team. I’m honestly, it’s great that the Cardinals are finally winning, but let’s not rewrite history here and try and portray Bidwell as anything but one of the worst and most frugal owners in sports history.
Ok, tangent over.
Anyhow, I still don't fully believe that the Cardinals are playing in, let alone hosting, the NFC Championship game. For starters, this is a team whose greatest accomplishments are finding new and interesting ways to lose games (and ending Steve Young's career). Some sports teams, like the championship era Yankees or Cowboys always found miraculous ways to comeback and win the seemingly unwinnable games. Since moving to Arizona in 1988, the Cardinals have done the exact opposite. They’re practically the antithesis of those aforementioned dynasties. Even last week as Jake Delhome was submitting the worst playoff performance of all-time**, I still never felt comfortable until there was about 3 minutes left in the game. Only then could I relax and actually allow myself to think that the Cardinals would win.
For the past 5 days I've been trying to come up with an analogy of what the Cardinals improbable run to the NFC Championship game has been like. Here's the best I could come up with: Imagine you had a close relative, for this example's sake will say a cousin, who's roughly the same age as you but has always been a colossal f*ck up. By the time he was 10 he was already smoking cigarettes and getting into fights at school. When he was 13 he go drunk on Thanksgiving and challenged your dad to a fistfight. A few years later during Christmas Dinner he left the table and went and took a dump in your living room. Since then he's been in and out of rehab and every time it looks like he just might be clean, he relapses, generally in the most public and embarrassing of fashions. And no matter how sad, upsetting, obnoxious, and all in all hopeless he may seem, you still care about him and keep tabs on him because he's family. Then one day, without any warning, he's out of rehab for the umpteenth time and doing great. You're expecting him to relapse at any moment, but it looks like he may actually have his life together. And now he's written a book, and Oprah just selected it for her book club. He's the talk of the literary world, he's doing the talk show circuit and all that jazz. This whole time as you're watching from a distance you’re incredibly proud of him, and yet at the same time you’re thinking “that's the same guy who took a dump in my living room a few Christmases ago”
(Note: This analogy is wholly fiction. As far as I know this describes no one in my family. immediate or otherwise.)
And that's what it's like right now to be an Arizona Cardinals fan. You're proud, amazed and yet complete bewildered because it goes against everything you've ever known about the Cardinals. Regardless of what happens Sunday, this has been the best Cardinals season of my life time. I suspect they'll probably lose by 10ish, but then again I thought that about the last two games. In fact, I feel like the Cardinals will lose by about 10 in 95% of the games they play, but that's neither here nor there. So, um, go Cards.
Until We Meet Again
* With the exception of few years in which I was a young child and allowed my father and older brother to influence me and I rooted for the New York football Giants and Dallas Cowboys over the home town Cardinals. What can I say, but 'when I was child I reasoned like a child', etc.
** That might actually be an understatement. Calling it the worst performance of all-time doesn't fully capture how truly sh*tty Delhome was.
(Edit. Note: I actually am a Cardinals fan. I didn't just jump on the bandwagon during the past two weeks and this isn't some frivolous attempt to be culturally relevant like Rick Riley's truly awful article on Beer Pong)
Webster describes a fan as “an enthusiastic devotee, follower, or admirer of a sport, past time, or celebrity, etc.”. When it comes to my fandom of the Arizona Wildcats, Phoenix Suns and the Arizona Diamondbacks, I feel like this description undersells my over-the-top, border line religious support of those teams. But as far as my NFL team, the Arizona Cardinals, is concern, well that's a different story. For most of my life I've lived in Arizona and I've been a follower of the Cardinals, which wasn't always easy considering 95% of our home games in the metal coffin known as Sun Devil Stadium used to be blackout on local TV because they never came close to selling out unless the Cowboys or 49ers were in town. I've always rooted for them over any other NFL team* and was generally rewarded for my support about 5 times per season. Now going back to Webster's definition, it's truly hard to admire such ineptitude, in fact to call the Cardinals inept seems like an insult to inept teams everywhere. I'm not being over-exaggerating here, after all The Cardinals have only had 2 winning seasons in my life time. In a league that's actually over active in promoting parity, such incompetence is truly something special. The Cards have raised the bar on how to run a franchise into the ground. You'd have to be a masochist to be an enthusiastic devotee of such a putrid team. So really the only part of Webster's dictionary that applies to me is “follower”. Yes I care about the team and have been let down so many times that I've lost count and have been desensitized over the years. Given the years of numbing defeats this team has dealt me then it's understandable why the Cardinals unprecedented playoff surge has felt more surreal than gratifying for me.
Quick tangent: I read an article from a Phoenix paper earlier this week about how the problem with the Cardinals these past 21 years wasn't their horrible owner Bill Bidwell being cheap, but it was the fact that Bidwell just didn't know how to win. WHAT!?!?!?!?! That’s the best excuse they could come up with? If by some chance it’s true that Bidwell didn't/doesn't know how to win, then how dumb is he? How did this guy make enough money to own an NFL team? I mean continuing to own an NFL team and not having a clue how to win makes about as much sense as me saying "Well I don't know how this whole stock market thing works, but I'm gonna pour a lot of money into anyway", and doing that for 21 straight years. I mean this is truly unbelievable. Even if it was true at the beginning of his tenure, don't you think he would have figured something out in his 21 straight years on the job? I mean honestly, this was one of the sh*ttiest articles I've ever read. I would have found it more believable if you had told me that the reason the Cardinals were so bad these last two decades was because Bidwell's mom was sick so he couldn't fully concentrate on running the team. I’m honestly, it’s great that the Cardinals are finally winning, but let’s not rewrite history here and try and portray Bidwell as anything but one of the worst and most frugal owners in sports history.
Ok, tangent over.
Anyhow, I still don't fully believe that the Cardinals are playing in, let alone hosting, the NFC Championship game. For starters, this is a team whose greatest accomplishments are finding new and interesting ways to lose games (and ending Steve Young's career). Some sports teams, like the championship era Yankees or Cowboys always found miraculous ways to comeback and win the seemingly unwinnable games. Since moving to Arizona in 1988, the Cardinals have done the exact opposite. They’re practically the antithesis of those aforementioned dynasties. Even last week as Jake Delhome was submitting the worst playoff performance of all-time**, I still never felt comfortable until there was about 3 minutes left in the game. Only then could I relax and actually allow myself to think that the Cardinals would win.
For the past 5 days I've been trying to come up with an analogy of what the Cardinals improbable run to the NFC Championship game has been like. Here's the best I could come up with: Imagine you had a close relative, for this example's sake will say a cousin, who's roughly the same age as you but has always been a colossal f*ck up. By the time he was 10 he was already smoking cigarettes and getting into fights at school. When he was 13 he go drunk on Thanksgiving and challenged your dad to a fistfight. A few years later during Christmas Dinner he left the table and went and took a dump in your living room. Since then he's been in and out of rehab and every time it looks like he just might be clean, he relapses, generally in the most public and embarrassing of fashions. And no matter how sad, upsetting, obnoxious, and all in all hopeless he may seem, you still care about him and keep tabs on him because he's family. Then one day, without any warning, he's out of rehab for the umpteenth time and doing great. You're expecting him to relapse at any moment, but it looks like he may actually have his life together. And now he's written a book, and Oprah just selected it for her book club. He's the talk of the literary world, he's doing the talk show circuit and all that jazz. This whole time as you're watching from a distance you’re incredibly proud of him, and yet at the same time you’re thinking “that's the same guy who took a dump in my living room a few Christmases ago”
(Note: This analogy is wholly fiction. As far as I know this describes no one in my family. immediate or otherwise.)
And that's what it's like right now to be an Arizona Cardinals fan. You're proud, amazed and yet complete bewildered because it goes against everything you've ever known about the Cardinals. Regardless of what happens Sunday, this has been the best Cardinals season of my life time. I suspect they'll probably lose by 10ish, but then again I thought that about the last two games. In fact, I feel like the Cardinals will lose by about 10 in 95% of the games they play, but that's neither here nor there. So, um, go Cards.
Until We Meet Again
* With the exception of few years in which I was a young child and allowed my father and older brother to influence me and I rooted for the New York football Giants and Dallas Cowboys over the home town Cardinals. What can I say, but 'when I was child I reasoned like a child', etc.
** That might actually be an understatement. Calling it the worst performance of all-time doesn't fully capture how truly sh*tty Delhome was.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Jinx! You Owe Me a Coke!
Funny story. On October 16th, 2006 I was sitting at home watching the Arizona Cardinals man-handle the heavily favored Chicago Bears during the first half of Monday Night Football. At halftime of that game I get a call from my friend Billy. He was so pumped by the prospect of the Cardinals finally being good he suggested that we go to the mall and buy hats to show our support for the team. I decided to go with him, but not to buy a hat since all hats tend to further augment the roundness of my face.
During our foray to the mall, I got a call from my father who wanted to know where I was. When I told him what Billy and I were doing, he reacted as if I had just taken a sh*t on his bed. Upon hearing the disgust in my father’s voice I had no choice but to buy a Cardinals hat.
Billy and I then returned to my house sporting our brand new hats. As my father looked at us with repulsion, we watched the Cardinals pull one of the biggest collapses in NFL history, as they ended up blowing a 20 point lead in 28 minutes. Naturally we blamed ourselves for the loss and were amazed at our jinxing powers. Much to my surprise though, my jinxing powers aren’t even close to being the best in my own family. My older brother Max’s are far superior.
Max is currently on a streak in which everything he says about sports is wrong. This could happen to anyone, especially someone who talks about sports nonstop. However, upon closer examination it appears that this isn’t just a phase he’s going though. As it turns out, Max has been jinxing people for an extremely long time. Max is actually the sports version of a “cock block”. Anytime he says something positive about a team, or aligns his affiliation with them, said team is screwed. I did some pain stacking reseach to back this up. Below is a brief list of people, places and events Max has jinxed:
March 2008: Before the start of the Final Four, Max says that UCLA is “the clear favorite” and will win their 12th National Title. Moments after the Bruins blowout loss at the hands of Memphis, Max states “Wow, North Carolina’s got an easy path to the title now.” The Tar Heels then proceed to get outscored 40-12 in the first 10 minutes of their game and end up losing to the eventual champion Kansas
January 2008: Max calls the New England Patriots the best team since “West Germany of Nintendo World Cup Fame.” He follows that obscure references up by telling everyone “Pats are going to crush the Giants. Game won’t even be close.” And that “Rip It Off” by Times New Vikings is the best lo-fi/post-punk album since “Day Dream Nation”
2006: During the NBA Finals Max falls ass-over-tea kettle for Dirk Nowitzki and the Dallas Mavericks, causing the Mavericks to blow a 2-0 series lead and causing Dirk to become the biggest choke artist/head case since Chris Webber
2004: During that year’s ALCS, Max calls the Yankees 3-0 series lead “insurmountable” and claims that Alex Rodriquez will go on to be the best post-season hitter of all-time
1997: Max claims that Brevin Knight will have a better pro career than Tim Duncan, causing Knight to have a mediocre, journeyman career while Tim Duncan goes on to win 4 titles in 9 years, becomes a sure fire Hall of Famer and arguably the greatest power forward of all-time
1991: During the closing moments of Super Bowl XXV Max tells everyone “No way Scott Norwood misses this kick, he’s got ice water running through his veins.”
1983: Max says that the Houston Cougars, lead by Clyde Drexler and Hakeem Olajuwon, will run North Carolina State Wolfpack out of the building in that year’s NCAA Championship Game. After the Wolfpacks’ stunning upset, Max tells everyone that their coach, Jimmy Valvano, will “live forever.”
1977: While watching the first Star Wars film, Max tells the rest of the audience in the theater, “Little Luke Skywalker can’t take down the Death Star. He’s toast,” forever altering the ending of A New Hope and the Star Wars Trilogy
1972: After Doug Collins makes two free throws to the give the United States a one point lead with three seconds remaining against Russia in the men’s basketball Olympic Gold Medal Game, Max says, “The Soviets’ couldn’t beat us even if they had 3 chances.” When the USSR actually gets 3 chances and eventually beats the USA in one of the most controversial finishes in sports history, Max’s calmly states “Well that’s a bummer, but I guarantee that the USA is still gonna except their medals.”*
1948: On November 2nd Max says, in reference to the ongoing Presidential Election, “So much for Truman getting a 2nd Term in office, Dewey’s got this thing locked up. You can print that.”
1939: Max declares that the Polish Border is impenetrable and that “Those effing Nazis will get crushed if they go anywhere near Poland.”
1812: Max loudly remarks “I don’t care if it is winter. Napoleon and Co. will have no trouble invading Russia. None at all.”
Approx. 33 AD: Max boldly states that “There’s no way Judas will betray Jesus of Nazareth. They’ve been tight for years.”**
Until We Meet Again
* Since this one is a little more obscure I’ll clue you in on the joke. Members of the ’72 Olympic team refused to receive their silver medal from that year’s game. Most have even put it in their Wills that their family members can’t receive those medals once they’ve died.
** I can’t take credit for this magnificent joke, the credit for this one goes to Travis Parsley.
During our foray to the mall, I got a call from my father who wanted to know where I was. When I told him what Billy and I were doing, he reacted as if I had just taken a sh*t on his bed. Upon hearing the disgust in my father’s voice I had no choice but to buy a Cardinals hat.
Billy and I then returned to my house sporting our brand new hats. As my father looked at us with repulsion, we watched the Cardinals pull one of the biggest collapses in NFL history, as they ended up blowing a 20 point lead in 28 minutes. Naturally we blamed ourselves for the loss and were amazed at our jinxing powers. Much to my surprise though, my jinxing powers aren’t even close to being the best in my own family. My older brother Max’s are far superior.
Max is currently on a streak in which everything he says about sports is wrong. This could happen to anyone, especially someone who talks about sports nonstop. However, upon closer examination it appears that this isn’t just a phase he’s going though. As it turns out, Max has been jinxing people for an extremely long time. Max is actually the sports version of a “cock block”. Anytime he says something positive about a team, or aligns his affiliation with them, said team is screwed. I did some pain stacking reseach to back this up. Below is a brief list of people, places and events Max has jinxed:
March 2008: Before the start of the Final Four, Max says that UCLA is “the clear favorite” and will win their 12th National Title. Moments after the Bruins blowout loss at the hands of Memphis, Max states “Wow, North Carolina’s got an easy path to the title now.” The Tar Heels then proceed to get outscored 40-12 in the first 10 minutes of their game and end up losing to the eventual champion Kansas
January 2008: Max calls the New England Patriots the best team since “West Germany of Nintendo World Cup Fame.” He follows that obscure references up by telling everyone “Pats are going to crush the Giants. Game won’t even be close.” And that “Rip It Off” by Times New Vikings is the best lo-fi/post-punk album since “Day Dream Nation”
2006: During the NBA Finals Max falls ass-over-tea kettle for Dirk Nowitzki and the Dallas Mavericks, causing the Mavericks to blow a 2-0 series lead and causing Dirk to become the biggest choke artist/head case since Chris Webber
2004: During that year’s ALCS, Max calls the Yankees 3-0 series lead “insurmountable” and claims that Alex Rodriquez will go on to be the best post-season hitter of all-time
1997: Max claims that Brevin Knight will have a better pro career than Tim Duncan, causing Knight to have a mediocre, journeyman career while Tim Duncan goes on to win 4 titles in 9 years, becomes a sure fire Hall of Famer and arguably the greatest power forward of all-time
1991: During the closing moments of Super Bowl XXV Max tells everyone “No way Scott Norwood misses this kick, he’s got ice water running through his veins.”
1983: Max says that the Houston Cougars, lead by Clyde Drexler and Hakeem Olajuwon, will run North Carolina State Wolfpack out of the building in that year’s NCAA Championship Game. After the Wolfpacks’ stunning upset, Max tells everyone that their coach, Jimmy Valvano, will “live forever.”
1977: While watching the first Star Wars film, Max tells the rest of the audience in the theater, “Little Luke Skywalker can’t take down the Death Star. He’s toast,” forever altering the ending of A New Hope and the Star Wars Trilogy
1972: After Doug Collins makes two free throws to the give the United States a one point lead with three seconds remaining against Russia in the men’s basketball Olympic Gold Medal Game, Max says, “The Soviets’ couldn’t beat us even if they had 3 chances.” When the USSR actually gets 3 chances and eventually beats the USA in one of the most controversial finishes in sports history, Max’s calmly states “Well that’s a bummer, but I guarantee that the USA is still gonna except their medals.”*
1948: On November 2nd Max says, in reference to the ongoing Presidential Election, “So much for Truman getting a 2nd Term in office, Dewey’s got this thing locked up. You can print that.”
1939: Max declares that the Polish Border is impenetrable and that “Those effing Nazis will get crushed if they go anywhere near Poland.”
1812: Max loudly remarks “I don’t care if it is winter. Napoleon and Co. will have no trouble invading Russia. None at all.”
Approx. 33 AD: Max boldly states that “There’s no way Judas will betray Jesus of Nazareth. They’ve been tight for years.”**
Until We Meet Again
* Since this one is a little more obscure I’ll clue you in on the joke. Members of the ’72 Olympic team refused to receive their silver medal from that year’s game. Most have even put it in their Wills that their family members can’t receive those medals once they’ve died.
** I can’t take credit for this magnificent joke, the credit for this one goes to Travis Parsley.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
I'm On Fire
So it came to my attention that before my post last week I went almost an entire month without making a post. Which begs the question, to myself at least, what was I doing/learning/experiencing in my absence from the blogging world? Well I interrogated myself and below are the answers.
Q: In a nutshell what have you been up to in the almost a month in which you didn’t post? We all know you’re way too into how clever you think you are when you write these things, so why haven’t you been doing it more often?
A: For starters I got sick shortly after my September 19th post. And while it was nothing serious I didn’t feel like posting then or as I dragged myself back to health (side note: Working the graveyard shift and having barking dogs and family members wake you up every time you try to sleep is not a conducive environment for getting well.). I also was more into reading, listening to music and playing my new Nintendo DS (which is on it’s way to replacing the SNES as the best video game system of all time) in my free time then writing.
Q: Ok, that all seems a little contrived but I’ll run with it. So what was the best book you read during your absence?
A: That would be On Bullshit by Harry Frankfurt. It’s basically a long essay about Bullshit, namely its definition, its cultural impact and why there’s so much of it in our society. It’s extremely humorous and insightful; I mean what isn’t funny about someone analytically breaking down the concept Bullshit?
Q: Whatever you say Mr. 5 Dollar word. So what have you learned about the NFL so far this season?
A: Well this is a tough one considering we won’t know anything definite about any of these teams for at least a few more weeks, but here’s what I’ve learned thus far:
- Drew Bledsoe, no matter how much I like him or want him to succeed, has the uncanny ability to take a team with Super Bowl potential and turn them into an 8-8 team.
- Reggie Bush is the second best decoy in the league (with T.O. being first) and is going to be an All-Pro for the next 10-15 years.
- Matt Leinart is already one of the Top 10 QB’s in the league. I’m not being or homer or even hyperbolic. Who would you rather have starting a game for you instead of Leinart? Off the top of my head I’d say Brady, Manning, Palmer, Rothlisberger, Hassleback and maybe Grossman (with the exception of last Monday). I’m unsure if this says a lot about Leinart or about the sad state of QB’s in the current NFL.
- The Arizona Cardinals are might be the best team of all-time at giving away winnable games.
Q: Speaking of the Cardinals, what did you think of Monday Night’s epic collapse?
A: Teams from Arizona, regardless of sport, should never, ever, under any circumstance, play teams from Illinois.
Q: Sticking with football, what have you observer from the University of Arizona’s first 7 games?
A: Mainly that this O-Line is going to get someone killed by the end of the season and that Stanford might be the worst division I-A team of all-time. Speaking of the O-line, if we had a semi-decent one we’d be headed to a bowl game.
Q: So the outlook is pretty bleak these days in T-Town huh?
A: Yes and no. The outlook for the football team looks very bleak. Fans, myself included, are already in ‘Wait ‘til Next Year’ mode. And to make matters worse the snowbirds** are back, which means you take you life in you hands anytime you go out for a drive. And they all seem to flock to the Park Mall, which is terrible for me since I live directly behind it. So now anytime I leave my house or go home I have to wade through a flood of elderly drivers. But on the bright side the U of A’s basketball season is less then a month away, and that’s never a bad thing.
Q: So what’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past month?
A: Thanks to my schedule I rarely go see movie in the theaters. I did however see Jackass 2 a few weeks ago, and while I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, that’s the hardest I’ve laughed at a film in a long, long time.
Q: Ok, tool. How about TV? What shows have you been watching this season?
A: I only follow a few shows on network TV, and I almost never watch new shows. But I have started watching Heroes and while it takes itself a little too seriously it’s still very enjoyable. And of course I’m still watching Veronica Mars. This season has felt a little rushed, which is to be expected since the dumb a$$es at CW only bought 13 episodes. That said it’s still the best show on network TV. I’m also watching Lost, which couldn’t have had a more uneven start. The first episode was one of the worst the show has ever done. I generally don’t care for the back stories, but this one was absolutely horrible. I was so upset at how bad the first ep was that I almost gave up on the show entirely. Thankfully the second episode was amazing and ended with one of the best scenes the show has ever done. (Editors Note: I wrote this before seeing the 3rd episode of Lost, which was really good. I’m now excited for the show to go absolutely nowhere in the next 10-15 weeks.)
Q: Alright we’ll close with a question about music, what have you been listening to as of late?
A: I’ve mainly been bumping the new Killers and Decemberist records. Also the new Court and Spark is really good. I haven’t had too much time to listen to newer stuff since I’m trying familiarize myself with Bob Dylan’s entire catalog of work.
Q: Speaking of The Killers, their front man Brandon Flowers said that their new album, Sam’s Town, is one of the best albums of the last 15 years. Would you agree with comment?
A: Well I’m pretty sure he was joking, seeing as they’re a synth-rock band and no one in their right mind could take the backing vocals on this album seriously. But if Flowers truly believes that this is one of the best albums of the last 15 years then his idea of said album is Bruce Springsteen covering “All That You Can’t Leave Behind” in its entirety.
Until We Meet Again
*In honor of the probably pedophilic Bruce Springsteen song.
** For those of you who don’t live in Tucson or are somehow unfamiliar with Snowbirds, they’re a group of retirees who come here in the winter because it never gets below 35.
Q: In a nutshell what have you been up to in the almost a month in which you didn’t post? We all know you’re way too into how clever you think you are when you write these things, so why haven’t you been doing it more often?
A: For starters I got sick shortly after my September 19th post. And while it was nothing serious I didn’t feel like posting then or as I dragged myself back to health (side note: Working the graveyard shift and having barking dogs and family members wake you up every time you try to sleep is not a conducive environment for getting well.). I also was more into reading, listening to music and playing my new Nintendo DS (which is on it’s way to replacing the SNES as the best video game system of all time) in my free time then writing.
Q: Ok, that all seems a little contrived but I’ll run with it. So what was the best book you read during your absence?
A: That would be On Bullshit by Harry Frankfurt. It’s basically a long essay about Bullshit, namely its definition, its cultural impact and why there’s so much of it in our society. It’s extremely humorous and insightful; I mean what isn’t funny about someone analytically breaking down the concept Bullshit?
Q: Whatever you say Mr. 5 Dollar word. So what have you learned about the NFL so far this season?
A: Well this is a tough one considering we won’t know anything definite about any of these teams for at least a few more weeks, but here’s what I’ve learned thus far:
- Drew Bledsoe, no matter how much I like him or want him to succeed, has the uncanny ability to take a team with Super Bowl potential and turn them into an 8-8 team.
- Reggie Bush is the second best decoy in the league (with T.O. being first) and is going to be an All-Pro for the next 10-15 years.
- Matt Leinart is already one of the Top 10 QB’s in the league. I’m not being or homer or even hyperbolic. Who would you rather have starting a game for you instead of Leinart? Off the top of my head I’d say Brady, Manning, Palmer, Rothlisberger, Hassleback and maybe Grossman (with the exception of last Monday). I’m unsure if this says a lot about Leinart or about the sad state of QB’s in the current NFL.
- The Arizona Cardinals are might be the best team of all-time at giving away winnable games.
Q: Speaking of the Cardinals, what did you think of Monday Night’s epic collapse?
A: Teams from Arizona, regardless of sport, should never, ever, under any circumstance, play teams from Illinois.
Q: Sticking with football, what have you observer from the University of Arizona’s first 7 games?
A: Mainly that this O-Line is going to get someone killed by the end of the season and that Stanford might be the worst division I-A team of all-time. Speaking of the O-line, if we had a semi-decent one we’d be headed to a bowl game.
Q: So the outlook is pretty bleak these days in T-Town huh?
A: Yes and no. The outlook for the football team looks very bleak. Fans, myself included, are already in ‘Wait ‘til Next Year’ mode. And to make matters worse the snowbirds** are back, which means you take you life in you hands anytime you go out for a drive. And they all seem to flock to the Park Mall, which is terrible for me since I live directly behind it. So now anytime I leave my house or go home I have to wade through a flood of elderly drivers. But on the bright side the U of A’s basketball season is less then a month away, and that’s never a bad thing.
Q: So what’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past month?
A: Thanks to my schedule I rarely go see movie in the theaters. I did however see Jackass 2 a few weeks ago, and while I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, that’s the hardest I’ve laughed at a film in a long, long time.
Q: Ok, tool. How about TV? What shows have you been watching this season?
A: I only follow a few shows on network TV, and I almost never watch new shows. But I have started watching Heroes and while it takes itself a little too seriously it’s still very enjoyable. And of course I’m still watching Veronica Mars. This season has felt a little rushed, which is to be expected since the dumb a$$es at CW only bought 13 episodes. That said it’s still the best show on network TV. I’m also watching Lost, which couldn’t have had a more uneven start. The first episode was one of the worst the show has ever done. I generally don’t care for the back stories, but this one was absolutely horrible. I was so upset at how bad the first ep was that I almost gave up on the show entirely. Thankfully the second episode was amazing and ended with one of the best scenes the show has ever done. (Editors Note: I wrote this before seeing the 3rd episode of Lost, which was really good. I’m now excited for the show to go absolutely nowhere in the next 10-15 weeks.)
Q: Alright we’ll close with a question about music, what have you been listening to as of late?
A: I’ve mainly been bumping the new Killers and Decemberist records. Also the new Court and Spark is really good. I haven’t had too much time to listen to newer stuff since I’m trying familiarize myself with Bob Dylan’s entire catalog of work.
Q: Speaking of The Killers, their front man Brandon Flowers said that their new album, Sam’s Town, is one of the best albums of the last 15 years. Would you agree with comment?
A: Well I’m pretty sure he was joking, seeing as they’re a synth-rock band and no one in their right mind could take the backing vocals on this album seriously. But if Flowers truly believes that this is one of the best albums of the last 15 years then his idea of said album is Bruce Springsteen covering “All That You Can’t Leave Behind” in its entirety.
Until We Meet Again
*In honor of the probably pedophilic Bruce Springsteen song.
** For those of you who don’t live in Tucson or are somehow unfamiliar with Snowbirds, they’re a group of retirees who come here in the winter because it never gets below 35.
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