Dissecting/Rebutting the Female Psyche

Disclaimer: I wrote this blog after working a double shift and getting home at 7 AM. Because of this, the majority of the post will come off as extremely hyperbolic and extremely chauvinistic. Also, a note to all women: This post is intended for humor purposes only – please do not call me crying into the phone while you are on your periods.

Today I will attempt a noble and valiant task: I will try to figure out how women think. Well, not really. I’m actually just going to look at a quote that can be found on 1 out of every 5* girls’ myspace or facebook accounts. The quote is undoubtedly from some gawd-awful movie which I have never seen, nor do I ever plan on seeing. Anyhow here’s the quote below. I’m going to give it to you and then I’m going to enlighten all of you with why the quote isn’t accurate, or what it is actually saying. Well here’s the quote in full for ya:

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot; who calls you back when you hang up on him; who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead; who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats; who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you, and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, ‘...that's her.’”


- Source Unknown (to me at least)

And yes, in case you’re wondering, these girls are actually serious when they post this sh*t. Well, enough with the intro, let’s start dissecting/rebutting this horrifically stupid quote.

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot.” – This part is almost right: Unfortunately, the poor souls who post this have no idea how guys’ minds work. For instance, 95% of guys see no difference between calling a girl ‘beautiful’ or ‘hot.’ Both of these words mean that said girl is attractive, and only really uptight girls get offended when someone calls them ‘hot.’ The only time guys differentiate between the meaning of ‘hot’ and ‘beautiful’ is when they’re describing Ray Allen’s jump shot or Justin Morneau’s swing.

“Who calls you back when you hang up on him.” - I’m sorry, but this only works in romantic comedies. If you want to keep talking to a guy, don’t hang up on him. Since you abruptly ended the conversation, most guys would assume that you no longer wanted to talk to them. In fact, I’m willing to wager that in real life, if a guy called a girl back after she hung up on him, the girl wouldn’t think it was cute or sexy. Instead she would just think he was spineless, annoying, and didn’t know when to take a hint.

“Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.” – Did I miss something here, or isn’t watching people sleep creepy?

“Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.” - This line proves that whoever wrote this has some serious daddy issues. Dads always kiss their daughters on the foreheads. Why any women would want someone they’re romantically involved with to act like their father is beyond me.

“Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.” – If you’re a girl and you’re actually wearing sweats, that can only mean one of two things: a) It’s winter time or b) You’re out of shape. Either way you’re goin' want to stay in doors.

“Who holds your hand in front of his friends.” – Was this written by a middle schooler? Honestly, what guy is too shy to hold his girlfriend’s hand in front of his friends? I’ll tell you what kind of guy: An emotionally-stunted a$$hole. Or Daniel Hartman.

“Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you, and how lucky he is to have you.” – Guys who are constantly doing this are most likely trying to sleep with you, so this really isn’t sound advice.

“Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, ‘...that's her.’” – He’ll then follow that up by saying, “Yeah, I hit that!”

And there you have it. I’m trying to write some bit of closure for this, but instead I’m just going go pass out.

Until We Meet Again

* I have no facts to back up this number.

Note: Starting next week I’m going to be moving my blogs over to myspace to make them more accessible. For those of you who still aren’t members of myspace I’m still going to post them over here so no worries.