You Were Wrong When You Said Everything Was Gonna Be Alright: My Running Diary of the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards

For some unholy reason I had the urge to watch the VMAs last night. I also had the urge to write about them as well. I’m really not sure why any of this was. At first I thought it was because like me the VMAs were once relevant and our now just a sad, shallow version of its former self, but that’s not true. I was never relevant.
Well anyhow I watch the entire damn show, 2+ hours of my life that I desperately want back. But since I took notes the whole time I may as well share them with all of 12 of you. Even though no asked for or wanted it, here’s my running diary of the 2008 VMAs…

9:09 Oh damn, I’m late. Apparently I missed Rihanna performing and T-Pain riding in on an elephant. For some reason that seems racist, but what doesn’t these days? Russell Brand is your host tonight and he comes out way too pumped up and fires off a series of jokes about Bush’s presidency (how topical), the Jonas Brothers being virgins and Barak Obama. The jokes aren’t that funny mainly because he’s way too intense about all of them and they don’t really land with the audience either. He ends with an incredibly funny joke about the poor kid who impregnated Sarah Pailin’s daughter. You just may want to youtube that.

9:18 Jaime Fox comes out and reminds people that he’s actually funny. After congratulating TI on making bail, he then follows with “I’m just kidding, but seriously don’t shoot me”. Jaime announces best female something or other. Britney Spears wins it. Since you’re probably wondering, she looks as good as she ever has. She almost looks like a hologram of Britney Spears circa 2000. She seems heavily medicated, which is probably a good thing. Apparently all you need to do to win a VMA is give up your children and your dignity. Zing.

9:25 Demi Moore comes out to introduce Best Male Video, artist or some award of that nature. In other news Demi has still got it. Chris Brown wins it. Incidentally the only time I ever liked him was when guest starred on The OC for a view episodes in the final season. Also, I’m not really sure why he’s famous.

9:30 Jonas Brothers are here and they’re performing what I’m being told is a new song. I think everyone who ever spent anytime in a youth group knows at least two sets of brothers like this. Speaking of which, why/how are these guys famous again? I mean at least Hanson had a catchy song. And hear I thought virgins were suppose to be unpopular, zing (I’m on fire right now). One of the Brother s looks decidingly Jewish, even if decidingly isn’t actually a word. This song is really bad, not even a decent sh*tty pop song. Why did I want to watch this again?

9:34 DJ AM and Travis Barker are actually kicking a good deal of ass as the house band tonight. Katy Perry is now performing-ish in front of them right now. As it turns out, she can’t actually sing. Who saw that one coming?

9:37 I can’t decide if the Bill Gates-Jerry Seinfeld Microsoft commercials are funny or just painfully awkward. Perhaps we’ll never know.

9:39 We’re back. Katy Perry is still singing. She’s surprisingly wooden for someone who claims to be a pseudo-lesbian.

9:41 Michael Phelps comes out to say something and he’s as soul crushingly awkward as you probably imagined he’d be. He’s got the charisma of school bus fire*. He introduces Lil Wayne who’s preforming Got Money with T-Pain. At first I thought everyone liked Lil Wayne because there’s some sort of unwritten social code that says all white people have to fully embrace at least one mainstream hip hop album per year. But after listening to his album it’s actually really good, although I don’t think he can rap with a shirt on, which I guess is a downside. Does T-Pain even talk with a vocoder? Also is there any semi-intellectual African-American whose not woefully embarrassed by these two? I mean isn’t this the very definition of bojangling for the masses?

9:46 I’m pretty sure they didn’t do a run a walk through of the show because this thing seems painfully unorganized and awkward. Also there’s a good but of evidence to suggest that the editor of this program is drunk. This is just down right sloppy.

9:49 Lindsey Lohan comes out and tells us that this year America became a dance crazed nation. I missed this revolution entirely. A group or “dance crew” named fanny pack then wins something. I don’t even have a joke here. The Pussy Cat Dolls then win Best dancing in a video and “Thank God for being so awesome to us”. How radical of them.

9:54 There’s a movie coming out that stars Dane Cook and Jason Biggs, I may have to revisit my vision of Hell

9:57 Russell Brand talks about how Lil Wayne makes him feel better about masturbation. I don’t remember how he made the tie in but it was pretty hilarious. Paramore (who?) then performs. Their lead singer looks likes a combination of the girl from High Fidelity and Cheri Otteri.

10:07 It really seems like Brand doesn’t want to be here and started regretting his decision to host about midway through his opening monologue. Best Rock Video goes to Linkin Park for Shadow of the Day. I still really like that song. And did you know that there’s a chubby Asian Guy in Linkin Park? For some reason this seems entirely appropriate .

10:11 Miley Cyrus introduces Pink, making the VMAs relevant to pedophiles everywhere for a short moment. Kudos to whoever made Pink look like a women/human being for tonight’s show.

10:21 Ting Ting brings us back from the break and they really suck. I’ll never understand how some Indie bands become crossover hits, although I think being from England certainly helps. Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are now talking about something, and did you know they’re MARRIED!?!?!?!?!?!!?! The fact that either of them is famous makes me think the terrorists might be on to something.

10:25 Slipknot introduces best hip-hop video, great idea MTV. Who knew that awful band with an equally as lame gimmick would still be around? And McLovin is with them! His 15 minutes have to be almost up right? Lil Wayne wins and he has his shirt on now, so the ladies watching at home lose. He only has 3 people to thank: God, his family and all y’all. That was actually kinda cool.

10:27 TI’s performance of “You Can Have Whatever You Like” starts on the set of Newsies. He then goes to other sets that are far less enjoyable. Now he’s on stage with Rihanna and they keep showing shots of white people in the audience to further prove the point that no white person has ever know what to do when rap music is playing.

10:35 LL Cool J’s clothing line is only available at Sears. I feel like both parties severely missed the mark on this one

10:37 The cast of High School Musical is here, hooray. They introduce Christina Aguilera. It’s really a shame no one ever taught her how to under sing. She’s dressed like a hooker in a sci-fi film and singing a remixed medley of some of her hits. This is truly painful.

10:43 Lauren Conrad comes out with one of the gay guys from Gossip Girl to introduce Best New Artist. Tokio Hotel wins it. They apparently allowed the creator of Cowboy Beebop to dress them tonight. I’ve never heard of these guys before but I feel pretty certain they’re either gay or foreign, maybe both. What’s the difference these days?

10:50 Either Flo Rida or LL Cool J brought us back from the break this time. Travis Barker on the drums actually makes whoever it is sound really good.

10:54 Paris Hilton comes out to give the award for Best Pop Video and can’t find the teleprompter. I’m starting to think her stupidity is all an act, no one can actually be that dumb right? Britney wins again for those of you scoring at home. Lupe takes us to commercial with the help of DJ AM and Mr. Barker. Why the hell are they cutting away from the first performance I’ve actually wanted to watch all night?

11:03 Two kids I’ve never heard of come out to introduce… Kid Rock. What?!?!?!!? He’s still alive? And making music? Holy Sh*t, I’m literally speechless. I was in no way prepared for this. And oh Jebus now he’s rapping a Warren Zevon classic for the verse of his new song. I think I’m gonna vomit.

11:08 I switch over to Sportscenter just in time to see highlights of my Diamondbacks losing to the Dodger in a game Bob Melvin over managed into the ground. Glad I got to relive that today. Why do I follow sports again?

11:12 Back on MTV Kobe Bryant is on stage to give the Video of the Year award and I show a great deal of self control by not making any rape or adultery jokes. Britney wins it, hoo-f*cking-ray

11:17 Kanye closes out the show with his new song Love Lockdown. It’s actually really, really good. That was an awesome performance, However not nearly awesome enough to justify me watching this entire gawd awful show. Goodnight and here’s to me never watching the VMAs again, much less writing about them.

Until We Meet Again
* Line stolen from the Bob Saget , although I used it in a different, less funny context

Open Letters to Bands, Some of Whom I like, Others…

To: Cold War Kids

Ok, so I don’t really know much about your band, especially the interworkings or group hierarchy and such. In fact I was too lazy to find out who your producer has been for your first two albums. In my mind, none of that really matters. The fact of the matter is you guys are a pretty decent band who’s a simple solution away from becoming great. Please severely lower your lead singers voice in the mix, just bury it. That way people can focus on what you do best, just about everything else. You guys make some really good music whose effectiveness is severely lessened by the overpowering volume of what I can only assume is some musical theatre major doing a Jeff Buckley impression. So please, drastically lower that man’s voice in the mix. Thank you

To: Katy Perry

I just can’t get over how shocking you are. Anytime someone mentions your name my jaw instantaneously drops because you’re just so shocking. You’re so shocking you should probably hang out with whoever writes Weeds, because they’re shocking too. Wow, you’re just so SHOCKING!!!

To: Chris Martin

You’re half way to looking like a 70’s porn star with that awesome curly ‘fro you’re sporting in the Viva La Vida video. Now please grow a mustache.

To: Bloc Party

Whoever told you people were listening to your music because of lyrics was either dead wrong or someone playing a really mean, intricate, practical joke. You’ve now become a worse, less self aware version of the Cure. And while I give you kudos for somehow being less self aware then Robert Smith and CO. your new music really isn’t any good. On behalf of everyone who liked your 1^st album I’m asking that you to please once again put the drum and bass line at the top of your mix and try to recapture the raw power and energy that made you good in the first place. Thanks.

To: Maroon 5/ Counting Crows

It feels like I’ve been seeing promos for your joint live show for the past 3 years. It would appear that no one wants to see you live, just move on already.

To: Whoever Wrote Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

Yes, I do in fact realize you’re not a band. I’ve seen the trailer to your movie and it looks overly contrived and terrible. I haven’t seen that much pandering since (insert topical political joke here*). I mean honestly, why didn’t you just call this film “A sad sack of sh*t attempting to cash in on hipsters and Juno fans**”?

To: The Pernice Brothers

I need to apologize for just now getting into you guys. I really can’t believe it took me this long. As it turns out you’re everything I’ve ever wanted from a band since I was a sophomore in High School. Thanks for being you.

To: Usher

No sir, I have never made love to a thug in the club with his sights on. Speaking of which, what exactly do you mean by “sights on”? Are people now wearing night vision googles ‘in the club’, because really that’s the only plausible explanation I could think of. Also, could I get permission to use the “I’ll be like your medicine, you’ll take every dose of me” line when spitting game at the ladies or do I need to ask Jeezy for that?

Until We Meet Again

* Your options include but are not limited to: Obama rattling off every democratic ideal of the last 5o years during his speech at the DNC; McCain choosing a female running mate in an attempt to get the Femi-Nazi/Hilary Clinton vote.

** What’s the difference between hipsters and fans of Juno you ask? Well, I don’t really know.