It’s that time again. Time for me to revive one of my favorite gimmicks – “The Track Record” – and review the songs currently burning up the Top 40 charts (with a few indie faves mixed in). For those of you unfamiliar with the format, here it is: I review a song, give it a rating, and then provide a link where you can listen to the song. It’s about as simplistic as it gets, so let’s get started:
1.) Modest Mouse – “Dashboard”
I figured this was a good place to start, as this band seems to have nicely bridged the gap between indie and mainstream. “Dashboard” is the first single off Modest Mouse’s new album. While I fully expected this song to be a pseudo-sequel to “Float On” (i.e. something radio-friendly), I was still mildly disappointed. Yes, it’s catchy and better than 99% of what’s played on the radio, but this is not the Modest Mouse I grew to love. They’re obviously trying to score another radio hit here, which I can’t really blame them for. “Dashboard” is not nearly as good as “Float On” (which, once you get past how overplayed it is, is a terrific song). The band comes up with a plethora of fun hooks and even has a new catchphrase to replace “Float On” with. And it’s not a bad song by any stretch of the imagination; it’s just not the vintage Modest Mouse I was hoping for.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/modestmouse
RATING: 3 out of 5 Stars
2.) Gym Class Heroes – “Cupid’s Chokehold”
Gym Class Heroes is a band that I can’t make up my mind about. They’re obviously a studio-put-together band, but they’re still very catchy and enjoyable. Supposedly they play their own instruments and their beats/music is always pretty good. Their lead singer raps like a poor man’s Atmosphere, which isn’t a bad thing at all. What GCH basically is is a new genre I just made up called “Boy Band Hip Hop”. They’re a boy band because some savvy exec. clearly put them together, and they’re catchy as all hell. Anyone who tries to claim that boy bands aren’t catchy, regardless of whether or not they were any good musically, is lying and unsure of their sexuality. Anyhow, back to the song. Yeah, it’s pretty good.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/gymclassheroes
RATING: 3.5 out of 5 Stars
3.) Mims – “This is Why I’m Hot”
I hear this song no less than 30 times a day and I still don’t know why Mims is hot, probably because he never actually says why. All he does the entire song is say 'This is why I'm hot'. What I do know is that this is a terrible song. For starters, it’s never a good thing when a song is 85% chorus. I think one of the song’s opening lines sums it up best: “This is why I’m hot, I don’t even got to rap.” Well, at least not coherently.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/mimsfanclub
RATING: 0.5 out of 5 Stars
4.) Timbaland feat. Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake – “Give It to Me”
I love Timbaland. I think he’s made it pretty clear that he’s better at producing dance-pop and hip-hop than anyone else. I’m very excited to hear his newest album. That said, this song isn’t any good. Timbaland, who’s actually a pretty decent rapper, is in less than 25% of it. The rest is just JT and Nelly singing. And while the beat is good, I don’t care enough about either of those artists to listen to this song. It’s like Timbaland just wanted to remind everyone how big of a role he played in the two biggest albums that came out last year. While this may seem like an a-hole move, it’s one I think I would make if I were in Timbaland’s boots. Pun intended.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/timbaland
RATING: 2 out of 5 Stars
5.) Arcade Fire – “(Anti-Christ Television Blues)”
This is my favorite song off the Arcade Fire’s album Neon Bible, which comes out March 6th. Word on the street is that this song is about Joe Simpson – Ashlee and Jessica’s father. If this rumor is true – and judging by the lyrics, it is – then this is Arcade Fire’s most depressing song to-date, which is saying something considering the band’s first album focused entirely on death. It also might be the best song they’ve put out in their brief career. The song is from the point of view of a man who’s basically asking God if it’s OK to whore his daughter out in the music industry to make money off her career. The man rationalizes it by claiming that it will bring glory to God. The song ends with the narrator asking God if he’s the Anti-Christ. It’s a real upper.
LISTEN: www.beatlawrence.com/2007/02/arcade-fire-to-play-snl.html
RATING: 5 out of 5 Stars
6.) The Fratelli’s – “Flathead”
This song is probably better known as the song from the new iPod commercial. This is a really good song. It’s fun, catchy and rocks pretty hard. That said, I can’t shake the feeling that The Fratelli’s are about 6 years too late for the garage rock revival. It’s a shame, because they would have been a nice third wheel to The White Stripes and The Strokes.
LISTEN: http://youtube.com/watch?v=YmBGfNqm338
RATING: 4 out of 5 Stars
7.) Fall Out Boy – “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s a Dead Arms Race”
I think a better name for this song would have been “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s-a-Band-that Puts-Out-the-Same-Song-for-Every-Single”. But at least their videos are hilarious. Thank god FOB put out a new video. I now finally have something to fill the comedic void According to Jim’s series finale made in my life. Wait, scratch that. I just got word that According to Jim is still on the air and that it’s still exceedingly unfunny. Oh well, Fall Out Boy is still awesome and hilarious. Except the exact opposite.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/falloutboy
RATING: 0.25 out of 5 Stars
8.) Fergie – “Glamorous”
I firmly believe that the c-word* is the foulest, most offensive, most disturbing and disgusting word in the English language. I also believe that no word better sums up Fergie. This c-word of a woman has put out some of the worst music of all time, “Glamorous” is no exception. I really do hate this b*tch. Every time I hear one of her songs, I question God‘s existence. I mean, how could any all-powerful being allow this woman to keep making music? How could he allow her to live in the first place? And how on earth could he allow her to become popular? Before I find the answer to any of these questions, I stop and begin to contemplate taking my own life.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/fergie
RATING: Hitler
9.) Avril Lavigne – “Girlfriend”
I’m not going lie: I absolutely love this song. In related news, there’s an ever-growing amount of evidence that I am in fact Ms. Lavigne’s bitch. She’s yet to put out a single that I don’t like. Now, please allow me to explain myself/cover my ass. This and all of Avril’s songs are far more entertaining than they are good. It’s like listening to a 15 year-old girl bitch. I happen to find this very comical and enjoyable. I also have no interest in finding out what that says about me as a person. Anyways, this song is Avril at her best. Meaning this is the type of kitsch song you put on road trip mixes, the perfect sing-along song for a car full of dudes, etc. And you know what, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m looking forward to the next time I hear this song.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/avrillavigne
RATING: 4 out of 5 Stars
10.) The Shins – “Sleeping Lessons”
I’m going to make two statements about this song that I fully believe to be true: 1) It’s the best song The Shins have ever done and 2) It single-handedly ruined their new album for me. When I first got Wincing the Night Away, The Shins’s new album, I listened to this song about 10 times in a row. When your album’s first song is 10x better than any other song on said album, it tends to hurt the album. I actually enjoy WNA, but after hearing this song, my expectations for it were way too high. Anyhow, I love this song and will most likely put it on every mix CD I make this year.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/theshins
RATING: 5 out of 5 Stars
11.) Adam Stidham – “8th Day Blues”
Another masterpiece from Mr. Stidham. I just can’t get over his brilliance. I really can’t. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I hope God smites the b*tch who broke his heart and inspired this song. Head up Adam, and keep making music. The world needs you. We need you.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/adamstidhammusic
RATING: Far too brilliant to defile with my trivial ratings.
Until We Meet Again
* Rhymes with bunt.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Friday, February 23, 2007
Nocturnal State
As those of you who keep reasonable hours or have some semblance of a social life may not know, Nocturnal State is the name of VH1’s after-hours video show. There’s no host and no talking, they just show music video’s with limited commercial interruption until 6 or 7 a.m. I bring this up because not only is it what I’m currently watching because I can’t fall asleep, but I also thought it would be a good title for a blog about the current mixture of thoughts churning about my head. Or perhaps more accurately, the thoughts going through my mind at two in the morning. So please enjoy my random, mostly nonsensical thoughts.
- Speaking of VH1, for those of you who haven’t seen ‘The White Rapper Show’ believe me when I say you’re missing out. The show is about 10 white rappers competing for a shot at 100 Grand. As if the idea wasn’t good enough to begin with, no one on the show can rap for sh*t. Imagine all the crappy contestants on American Idol, then imagine all of them rapping and you’ve got this show. Just some incredibly high comedy going on here.
- Five for Fighting might be the most subtly terrible band of all-time. They won’t shock in awe you with their atrociousness like the Nicklebacks, Fergies and James Blunts of the world, but they’re absolutely dreadful. Between their d-bag lead singer singing about two octaves too high, their unbearably bad lyrics and incredibly bland music this band is easily one of the five worst bands/people making music.
- Foolishly I waited until last week to see The Departed and all I can say is wow. This movie is exactly what everyone said it was: Amazing. It’s nice to know Scorses can still make an incredible film now and again. Also who would have ever guess that the front man of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch would play one of the best characters in cinema history 16 years after releasing “Good Vibrations”?
- Life experiences taught me this week that one of the most humiliating places to run into a coworker outside of work is at Walgreens at 1 a.m. buying a plunger.
- After re-listening to “The Information” by Beck I’m convinced the problem with his last few albums have been that all his songs go on for about a minute too long. This isn’t to say that his music is now bad, it’s still quite exceptional. However I think he shortchanges a lot of his newer songs by making them longer then they need to be.
- Few things are as disheartening to me as the Christopher Lloyd’s Direct TV commercial. Here’s man who played one of the best movie characters ever in one of the best trilogies ever, whoring himself out for a crappy TV commercial. It’s not so much that the commercial is epically unfunny and that Lloyd looks like death in it, but it also cheapens one of my favorite movies ever. Every time it comes on part of my childhood dies. It’s gotten to the point where I’m not sure if I even believe in time travel anymore.
- The problem with these random thought blogs, beside the obvious incoherencies, is that no one gives a sh*t about ¾ of these thoughts other then me. And in all honesty my thoughts aren’t that interesting to begin with…
- The Killers video for “Read My Mind”, which was my favorite track off “Sam’s Town”, is very close to surpassing Lily Allen’s Smile as my favorite current music video. If you haven’t seen it yet, youtube it. It’s tremendous.
- Since the earliest I ever work is noon I generally don’t get up until 11:30ish. But lately I’ve been trying to wake up by 10 to watch of my favorite game shows of all-time, The Price is Right. This is the show I’d always watch in the mornings in my days as a home schooler as well as sick days in high school. Before last week I hadn’t watched the show in 5+ years and there’s quite a bit I’ve never noticed. For starters everyone like’s to make jokes about Dick Clark being a robot, but shouldn’t Bob Barker be the punch-line to these jokes? I’m mean honestly the man looks the exact same, maybe even younger, then he did we he made a cameo in Happy Gilmore. Did Bob discover the fountain of youth or something, because I know I’m not watching reruns and he looks far to fit for someone pushing 90. Hell he looks better the 92% of the contestants. And speaking of the contestants and audience members, those people are just way too excited. By comparison women in labor are much more subdued then these people. It’s like the show’s producers found a way to oxygenize crack and pump it through the air vents. Honestly, how excited can you possibly be about winning a Victorian floor clock? As for the audience members, does the military guy who looks like he just sh*t himself and won the lottery at the same time really need you to yell “ONE DOLLAR” at him at the top of your lungs? The show has been on since 1972, is there really anyone left in America who isn’t aware of the one dollar bid? Despite all of this it’s still a great show and I will most likely wake up for tomorrow morning.
- In other syndicated game show news: John O’Hurley, whom I once delivered a bottle of wine to, is now the host of Family Feud. In related news the guy who played Al Borland is now a cutter.
- Another omission I’m regretting from my Best Albums of 2006 list is “Casino Twilight Dogs” by Youth Group. Not only does the band have a phenomenal name, but they put out one of the best melodic indie pop albums I’ve heard in some time.
- This is normally where I’d discuss the state of Arizona basketball, but I can’t. I’m half-heartedly giving up on this team. I’ll still watch every game and scream at the television like a raving lunatic while hoping and praying for victory, but I no longer expect a victory, regardless of the opponent. On the other hand I don’t necessarily expect them to lose every game either. Basically there’s no way to predict what on earth this team is going to do. I’m just going watch the rest of the season devoid of expectations, because this team seems to get off on defining every possible one. Hopefully this approach will keep me from getting mentally, spiritually and emotionally crushed after every loss. Man I really wish I was joking about all of this.
- This week I officially added “Boston” by Augustana to my list of songs “That Are Good in the Worst Way” list. Songs make this list because I like them, but really shouldn’t. These songs aren’t bad enough to be labeled as guilty pleasures, but aren’t good enough for me to justifiably like. Songs on this list include, but are not limit to: “Look What You’ve Done” by Jet, “Drive” by Incubus, “One Thing by Finger Eleven”, every Keane Single and “Collide” by Howie Day.
- Speaking of music, I currently have a plethora of new music that I want to listen to but can’t. It’s not because of lack of time or anything like that, it’s just that I can’t stop listening to Andrew Bird’s newest CD Armchair Apocrypha. The CD comes out on March 20th, but by God’s grace it leaked on the internet about three weeks ago. Since I downloaded it I listen to it twice a day and have yet to find a single song I’d ever consider skipping on it*. I was going to write a long, drawn out review of it but I realize I could never do it justice. This is honestly one of the best albums I’ve ever heard. This isn’t me be hyperbolic, this CD is just staggeringly brilliant. I’d love to explain its greatness to all of you, but I can’t possibly put into words how great I think it is. The best description I can think of for it came from my older brother Luke, who came up with this perfect analogy “I feel like I’m a King who commissioned the best musician in the land to compose a symphony for me. After he had played it for me, I realized it was the best thing I’d ever heard it my life. It brought me back to music.” This legitimately describes how I feel about this record. It’s like Andrew Bird wrote it exactly for me to remind me why I love music so much. I’m being completely serious about all of this. You need to get this CD immediately, at any and all costs. Or just have patience and buy it as soon as it comes out. I’m ready to declare it not only the album of the year, but it’s probably the album of the Millennium**. I’d now like to take this moment and apologize to everyone for probably ruining this album by over-hyping it, but I’m completely in love with this record.
- As I’m about to go to sleep some All-American Rejects video comes on. Never before have I noticed the similarities between emo kids and refugees.
Until We Meet Again
* Which, for my money is the true measure of an album’s greatness. That is if you’re able to listen to it the whole way through without wanting to skip a single track. I can honestly say that I can do this with very few records.
** Oh I’m sorry, Willennium.
- Speaking of VH1, for those of you who haven’t seen ‘The White Rapper Show’ believe me when I say you’re missing out. The show is about 10 white rappers competing for a shot at 100 Grand. As if the idea wasn’t good enough to begin with, no one on the show can rap for sh*t. Imagine all the crappy contestants on American Idol, then imagine all of them rapping and you’ve got this show. Just some incredibly high comedy going on here.
- Five for Fighting might be the most subtly terrible band of all-time. They won’t shock in awe you with their atrociousness like the Nicklebacks, Fergies and James Blunts of the world, but they’re absolutely dreadful. Between their d-bag lead singer singing about two octaves too high, their unbearably bad lyrics and incredibly bland music this band is easily one of the five worst bands/people making music.
- Foolishly I waited until last week to see The Departed and all I can say is wow. This movie is exactly what everyone said it was: Amazing. It’s nice to know Scorses can still make an incredible film now and again. Also who would have ever guess that the front man of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch would play one of the best characters in cinema history 16 years after releasing “Good Vibrations”?
- Life experiences taught me this week that one of the most humiliating places to run into a coworker outside of work is at Walgreens at 1 a.m. buying a plunger.
- After re-listening to “The Information” by Beck I’m convinced the problem with his last few albums have been that all his songs go on for about a minute too long. This isn’t to say that his music is now bad, it’s still quite exceptional. However I think he shortchanges a lot of his newer songs by making them longer then they need to be.
- Few things are as disheartening to me as the Christopher Lloyd’s Direct TV commercial. Here’s man who played one of the best movie characters ever in one of the best trilogies ever, whoring himself out for a crappy TV commercial. It’s not so much that the commercial is epically unfunny and that Lloyd looks like death in it, but it also cheapens one of my favorite movies ever. Every time it comes on part of my childhood dies. It’s gotten to the point where I’m not sure if I even believe in time travel anymore.
- The problem with these random thought blogs, beside the obvious incoherencies, is that no one gives a sh*t about ¾ of these thoughts other then me. And in all honesty my thoughts aren’t that interesting to begin with…
- The Killers video for “Read My Mind”, which was my favorite track off “Sam’s Town”, is very close to surpassing Lily Allen’s Smile as my favorite current music video. If you haven’t seen it yet, youtube it. It’s tremendous.
- Since the earliest I ever work is noon I generally don’t get up until 11:30ish. But lately I’ve been trying to wake up by 10 to watch of my favorite game shows of all-time, The Price is Right. This is the show I’d always watch in the mornings in my days as a home schooler as well as sick days in high school. Before last week I hadn’t watched the show in 5+ years and there’s quite a bit I’ve never noticed. For starters everyone like’s to make jokes about Dick Clark being a robot, but shouldn’t Bob Barker be the punch-line to these jokes? I’m mean honestly the man looks the exact same, maybe even younger, then he did we he made a cameo in Happy Gilmore. Did Bob discover the fountain of youth or something, because I know I’m not watching reruns and he looks far to fit for someone pushing 90. Hell he looks better the 92% of the contestants. And speaking of the contestants and audience members, those people are just way too excited. By comparison women in labor are much more subdued then these people. It’s like the show’s producers found a way to oxygenize crack and pump it through the air vents. Honestly, how excited can you possibly be about winning a Victorian floor clock? As for the audience members, does the military guy who looks like he just sh*t himself and won the lottery at the same time really need you to yell “ONE DOLLAR” at him at the top of your lungs? The show has been on since 1972, is there really anyone left in America who isn’t aware of the one dollar bid? Despite all of this it’s still a great show and I will most likely wake up for tomorrow morning.
- In other syndicated game show news: John O’Hurley, whom I once delivered a bottle of wine to, is now the host of Family Feud. In related news the guy who played Al Borland is now a cutter.
- Another omission I’m regretting from my Best Albums of 2006 list is “Casino Twilight Dogs” by Youth Group. Not only does the band have a phenomenal name, but they put out one of the best melodic indie pop albums I’ve heard in some time.
- This is normally where I’d discuss the state of Arizona basketball, but I can’t. I’m half-heartedly giving up on this team. I’ll still watch every game and scream at the television like a raving lunatic while hoping and praying for victory, but I no longer expect a victory, regardless of the opponent. On the other hand I don’t necessarily expect them to lose every game either. Basically there’s no way to predict what on earth this team is going to do. I’m just going watch the rest of the season devoid of expectations, because this team seems to get off on defining every possible one. Hopefully this approach will keep me from getting mentally, spiritually and emotionally crushed after every loss. Man I really wish I was joking about all of this.
- This week I officially added “Boston” by Augustana to my list of songs “That Are Good in the Worst Way” list. Songs make this list because I like them, but really shouldn’t. These songs aren’t bad enough to be labeled as guilty pleasures, but aren’t good enough for me to justifiably like. Songs on this list include, but are not limit to: “Look What You’ve Done” by Jet, “Drive” by Incubus, “One Thing by Finger Eleven”, every Keane Single and “Collide” by Howie Day.
- Speaking of music, I currently have a plethora of new music that I want to listen to but can’t. It’s not because of lack of time or anything like that, it’s just that I can’t stop listening to Andrew Bird’s newest CD Armchair Apocrypha. The CD comes out on March 20th, but by God’s grace it leaked on the internet about three weeks ago. Since I downloaded it I listen to it twice a day and have yet to find a single song I’d ever consider skipping on it*. I was going to write a long, drawn out review of it but I realize I could never do it justice. This is honestly one of the best albums I’ve ever heard. This isn’t me be hyperbolic, this CD is just staggeringly brilliant. I’d love to explain its greatness to all of you, but I can’t possibly put into words how great I think it is. The best description I can think of for it came from my older brother Luke, who came up with this perfect analogy “I feel like I’m a King who commissioned the best musician in the land to compose a symphony for me. After he had played it for me, I realized it was the best thing I’d ever heard it my life. It brought me back to music.” This legitimately describes how I feel about this record. It’s like Andrew Bird wrote it exactly for me to remind me why I love music so much. I’m being completely serious about all of this. You need to get this CD immediately, at any and all costs. Or just have patience and buy it as soon as it comes out. I’m ready to declare it not only the album of the year, but it’s probably the album of the Millennium**. I’d now like to take this moment and apologize to everyone for probably ruining this album by over-hyping it, but I’m completely in love with this record.
- As I’m about to go to sleep some All-American Rejects video comes on. Never before have I noticed the similarities between emo kids and refugees.
Until We Meet Again
* Which, for my money is the true measure of an album’s greatness. That is if you’re able to listen to it the whole way through without wanting to skip a single track. I can honestly say that I can do this with very few records.
** Oh I’m sorry, Willennium.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Dissecting John Amaechi’s Gayness
I have some tough news to tell you. Are you sitting down? OK, well I’m not going to dance around this, I’m just going to come right out and tell you: John Amaechi is gay.
I know. I’m as shocked as you are. This revelation literally turned my world upside down. I mean, if guys like John Amaechi can be gay, then what about the rest of us? Secondly, what does this say about our supposedly open-minded society? Why didn’t he come out when he was playing for the Utah Jazz, or the Orlando Magic? And does the machismo of pro athletes mirror the machismo of middle school playgrounds, where to call someone a homosexual is to damage them severely? There’s only one thing I think we can all agree on: Who the hell is John Amaechi?
For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, read the following link: http://deadspin.com/sports/nba/your-anonymous-gay-former-nbaer-is-less-anonymous-now-but-only-slightly-so-234322.php
John Amaechi, a man who played all of five years in the NBA, came out of the closet this week. Amaechi wrote a book about being a homosexual and playing in the NBA. The autobiography is aptly and humorously titled Man in the Middle. This news crushed me about as hard as the fact that I missed last week’s episode of “Grease: You’re the One I Want”. That is to say, not very hard. But apparently this is big news, not just in the sports world, but for the entire country. Why?
Because he’s gay! Well, so is apprx. 10% of the American population.
But he wrote a book about it! Why do we insist on acting like getting published is some kind of an accomplishment? I mean, if Dan Brown can sell millions of novels, isn’t it about time we all realized that writing a book is pretty overrated?
But he’s an athlete! And we all know the macho stereotypes that apply to sports. This one, I’ll grant you is semi-news, but not for the reasons you’d expect. In reality, the machismo of sports is just one giant over-compensation. The majority of the time you’re with your teammates, you’re (unintentionally or not) rubbing up against them*, slapping each others’ asses, huddling up together, undressing in front of one another in the locker room and showering together. Wow, that sounds like a totally hetro environment.
But it was so courageous of him to come out! How? This is kind a like a murderer on death row confessing to killing more people. You’re already going to die, so confessing to the other murders takes absolutely no courage: it just clears your conscience. Now, I’m not comparing being gay to being a serial killer, just trying to point out how truly uncourageous Amaechi’s press release… er, announcement was. He’s no longer in the NBA, so it’s not like he has to deal with the scrutiny of his teammates/coworkers. Or Jerry Sloan beating his ass with a lead pipe ala Shawshank Redemption.
Before he came out last week, there were probably about seven people in the world not related to him that could have picked him out of a lineup. All he really did was thrust himself back into the limelight, which takes about as much courage as eating a bowl of cereal in the morning**.
On second thought, Amaechi was never in the limelight. All his actions this past week really did was give him his fifteen minutes of fame. Which basically makes Amaechi noting more than an attention whore. In fact, I doubt he’s even gay.
Whhhaaaat?!?!?!?! How can you say that? Well, let’s look at this logically. By all accounts, Amaechi seems to be a pretty smart guy. He didn’t make a sh*t-ton of money in the NBA***, at least by the league’s standards. Now he’s been out of the league for four years and wonders how he can secure his financial future without doing any real work. Then it hits him: “What if I write a tell-all book about how I’m gay, even though I’m not?” Or maybe some incredibly smart publisher approached him with this idea. I mean, all anyone knew about Amaechi before this last week is that he was British and went to Penn State. I guess he’s a buyable homosexual(he does have a gap in his front teeth after all). Nobody knew anything about him, so hypothetically he could lie blatantly about his life and sexual preference and no one could call him out on it****. Really, it’s the perfect storm conspiracy theory. Who really knows how this book came about, but I’m fairly convinced it’s a hoax. Here’s one possible scenario of how this book came into being:
Publisher: This is ESPN Books, can I help you?
John Amaechi: Yeah um, this is John Amaechi.
PB: Who?
JA: John Amaechi. I played in the NBA. I was also a pretty big deal in college at Penn State.
PB: Ah sure, whatever you say. So what can I do for you, Joe?
JA: John actually, my name is John. Anyways, I’ve got a great book idea. What if I write a tell-all about what it’s like to be a gay man in the NBA.
PB: That’s brilliant, Josh. So are you gay?
JA: It’s still John and no, not really. But I am British. And no one remembers who the hell I am anyway. Who would ever suspect that I wasn’t gay?
PB: Great point, James. I’ll talk to my bosses about this and get back to you. We’ll be in touch. (Hangs up phone)
JA: Wait, don’t go… I’m lonely.
And there you have it. All tomfoolery aside, I still don’t care about John Amaechi and his sexual preferences. I think I side with Shavlik Randolph on this one. I’m okay with Amaechi being a homosexual, “as long as he doesn’t bring his gayness on me.” And that’s that.
Until We Meet Again
* This is true for any semi-contact sport.
** Which is only courageous if you’re lactose intolerant.
*** A shade under $10 million, according to basketball-reference.com
**** With the exception of me and my blatantly homophobic blog
I know. I’m as shocked as you are. This revelation literally turned my world upside down. I mean, if guys like John Amaechi can be gay, then what about the rest of us? Secondly, what does this say about our supposedly open-minded society? Why didn’t he come out when he was playing for the Utah Jazz, or the Orlando Magic? And does the machismo of pro athletes mirror the machismo of middle school playgrounds, where to call someone a homosexual is to damage them severely? There’s only one thing I think we can all agree on: Who the hell is John Amaechi?
For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, read the following link: http://deadspin.com/sports/nba/your-anonymous-gay-former-nbaer-is-less-anonymous-now-but-only-slightly-so-234322.php
John Amaechi, a man who played all of five years in the NBA, came out of the closet this week. Amaechi wrote a book about being a homosexual and playing in the NBA. The autobiography is aptly and humorously titled Man in the Middle. This news crushed me about as hard as the fact that I missed last week’s episode of “Grease: You’re the One I Want”. That is to say, not very hard. But apparently this is big news, not just in the sports world, but for the entire country. Why?
Because he’s gay! Well, so is apprx. 10% of the American population.
But he wrote a book about it! Why do we insist on acting like getting published is some kind of an accomplishment? I mean, if Dan Brown can sell millions of novels, isn’t it about time we all realized that writing a book is pretty overrated?
But he’s an athlete! And we all know the macho stereotypes that apply to sports. This one, I’ll grant you is semi-news, but not for the reasons you’d expect. In reality, the machismo of sports is just one giant over-compensation. The majority of the time you’re with your teammates, you’re (unintentionally or not) rubbing up against them*, slapping each others’ asses, huddling up together, undressing in front of one another in the locker room and showering together. Wow, that sounds like a totally hetro environment.
But it was so courageous of him to come out! How? This is kind a like a murderer on death row confessing to killing more people. You’re already going to die, so confessing to the other murders takes absolutely no courage: it just clears your conscience. Now, I’m not comparing being gay to being a serial killer, just trying to point out how truly uncourageous Amaechi’s press release… er, announcement was. He’s no longer in the NBA, so it’s not like he has to deal with the scrutiny of his teammates/coworkers. Or Jerry Sloan beating his ass with a lead pipe ala Shawshank Redemption.
Before he came out last week, there were probably about seven people in the world not related to him that could have picked him out of a lineup. All he really did was thrust himself back into the limelight, which takes about as much courage as eating a bowl of cereal in the morning**.
On second thought, Amaechi was never in the limelight. All his actions this past week really did was give him his fifteen minutes of fame. Which basically makes Amaechi noting more than an attention whore. In fact, I doubt he’s even gay.
Whhhaaaat?!?!?!?! How can you say that? Well, let’s look at this logically. By all accounts, Amaechi seems to be a pretty smart guy. He didn’t make a sh*t-ton of money in the NBA***, at least by the league’s standards. Now he’s been out of the league for four years and wonders how he can secure his financial future without doing any real work. Then it hits him: “What if I write a tell-all book about how I’m gay, even though I’m not?” Or maybe some incredibly smart publisher approached him with this idea. I mean, all anyone knew about Amaechi before this last week is that he was British and went to Penn State. I guess he’s a buyable homosexual(he does have a gap in his front teeth after all). Nobody knew anything about him, so hypothetically he could lie blatantly about his life and sexual preference and no one could call him out on it****. Really, it’s the perfect storm conspiracy theory. Who really knows how this book came about, but I’m fairly convinced it’s a hoax. Here’s one possible scenario of how this book came into being:
Publisher: This is ESPN Books, can I help you?
John Amaechi: Yeah um, this is John Amaechi.
PB: Who?
JA: John Amaechi. I played in the NBA. I was also a pretty big deal in college at Penn State.
PB: Ah sure, whatever you say. So what can I do for you, Joe?
JA: John actually, my name is John. Anyways, I’ve got a great book idea. What if I write a tell-all about what it’s like to be a gay man in the NBA.
PB: That’s brilliant, Josh. So are you gay?
JA: It’s still John and no, not really. But I am British. And no one remembers who the hell I am anyway. Who would ever suspect that I wasn’t gay?
PB: Great point, James. I’ll talk to my bosses about this and get back to you. We’ll be in touch. (Hangs up phone)
JA: Wait, don’t go… I’m lonely.
And there you have it. All tomfoolery aside, I still don’t care about John Amaechi and his sexual preferences. I think I side with Shavlik Randolph on this one. I’m okay with Amaechi being a homosexual, “as long as he doesn’t bring his gayness on me.” And that’s that.
Until We Meet Again
* This is true for any semi-contact sport.
** Which is only courageous if you’re lactose intolerant.
*** A shade under $10 million, according to basketball-reference.com
**** With the exception of me and my blatantly homophobic blog
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Join (RED), Or Else
Chuck Klosterman once wrote that people who are truly cynical don’t call themselves cynics, but instead say they’re pragmatic. Meaning that they are not overly cynical poo-pooers, but rather are just realists when it comes to what happens in the world. In theory, this is a very astute observation. And in this day and age, it’s nearly impossible not to be at least a little bit cynical. Most everything we see or read in our media-saturated society is sugarcoated bullsh*t. It’s hard not to take even the most inspiring of stories with a grain of salt. Which leads me to today’s topic: (RED)tm.
Unless you never watch TV or read a magazine, you’ve probably heard of
(RED)tm. In short, (RED)tm is a business model that uber-douche Bono came up with. If you buy a RED)tm product or service, then the company which you bought it from will donate some of their profits to AIDS relief in Africa. And, outside of Bono’s involvement, this all sounds pretty great on paper. So why does my inner-cynic keep telling me that something about this isn’t right? Let’s examine some of the reasons I currently dislike (RED)tm:
1.) Bono’s involvement: Despite heading the greatest rock band of the last 20+ years*, Bono has become a massive tool lately (and by lately I mean in the last 20 or so years).
2.) Joinred.com: Is it just me, or does this sound like a website that is more likely to spout communist propaganda than lend AIDS relief to Africa?
3.) Join (RED)tm: Last I checked, nothing you join is any good. Here’s a list off the top of my head of terrible things people join:
· The Army
· Pornographic Websites
· Ryan Seacrest Fan Clubs
· Cults
As far as I can tell, there’s nothing good you can join anymore. This fact alone makes me leery of (RED)tm.
4.) Buying things for yourself to help others: This isn’t exactly “Toys for Tots” here. The main purpose of (RED)tm is to use our materialism for good. Am I the only one who finds that a little ass-backwards? Since when can you become a humanitarian by buying things for yourself, things that you’ll actually use? I mean, instead of buying a $35 shirt from The Gap, which gives about a third of that to Aids relief, why not give $30 to an AIDS relief charity and then buy a $5 Hanes Perfect Tee**? You’re spending the same amount of money, but now more of your money is going to help Africa. In all likelihood, the (RED)tm tees probably cost less than $5, so what’s the point in overpaying for AIDS relief? And who really wants a shirt that looks like something an autistic 10-year-old made during arts and crafts time at summer camp?
5.) (RED)tm Tee Shirts: As mentioned before, these shirts are obscenely stupid. They’re all either red or white, and have things written on them like: “bo(red),” “inspi(red),” and my personal favorite, “hamme(red).” Now that’s just stupid. I feel like these shirts are more than just (RED)tm products. Instead, the people who wear them are putting on a huge, flashing neon sign that tells me, “Hey, let’s never hang out.”
6.) Bono not becoming the face of (RED)tm: This may be my biggest hold up with (RED)tm . Why is Bono staying out of the limelight? Is he truly a good person who just wants to help those suffering in Africa, or is he a cunning bastard who realizes he’ll garner more praise by setting all this up, and THEN staying in the background?*** Am I an incredibly messed up person for even thinking about this? I’ll be honest, Bono’s now mysterious involvement – since he set this all up, he’s done almost no press for it, aside from some brief voiceover work in a commercial – gives me pause.
In closing, I think (RED)tm is a lot like communism. In theory, it’s a great idea, but logistically it just doesn’t work (for me at least). There are just too many unanswered questions. In fact, I didn’t even get to the possible conspiracy theory that this is just the most brilliant ad campaign by major companies of all time. However, for me I think the most pressing question is this: Does my cynicism about all of this lead back to my naivety that people can actually make a difference and care for those dying in Africa without buying something that benefits them? I don’t know. I just don’t know.
Until We Meet Again
* Hey I’m as sick of U2 as everyone else, but there’s still no denying their greatness.
** Hanes has in no way paid me for this endorsement of their product, mainly because they don’t know who I am. But I strongly recommend the Hanes Perfect Tee, it’s great.
*** Have I been reading too much David Foster Wallace? Yes.
Unless you never watch TV or read a magazine, you’ve probably heard of
(RED)tm. In short, (RED)tm is a business model that uber-douche Bono came up with. If you buy a RED)tm product or service, then the company which you bought it from will donate some of their profits to AIDS relief in Africa. And, outside of Bono’s involvement, this all sounds pretty great on paper. So why does my inner-cynic keep telling me that something about this isn’t right? Let’s examine some of the reasons I currently dislike (RED)tm:
1.) Bono’s involvement: Despite heading the greatest rock band of the last 20+ years*, Bono has become a massive tool lately (and by lately I mean in the last 20 or so years).
2.) Joinred.com: Is it just me, or does this sound like a website that is more likely to spout communist propaganda than lend AIDS relief to Africa?
3.) Join (RED)tm: Last I checked, nothing you join is any good. Here’s a list off the top of my head of terrible things people join:
· The Army
· Pornographic Websites
· Ryan Seacrest Fan Clubs
· Cults
As far as I can tell, there’s nothing good you can join anymore. This fact alone makes me leery of (RED)tm.
4.) Buying things for yourself to help others: This isn’t exactly “Toys for Tots” here. The main purpose of (RED)tm is to use our materialism for good. Am I the only one who finds that a little ass-backwards? Since when can you become a humanitarian by buying things for yourself, things that you’ll actually use? I mean, instead of buying a $35 shirt from The Gap, which gives about a third of that to Aids relief, why not give $30 to an AIDS relief charity and then buy a $5 Hanes Perfect Tee**? You’re spending the same amount of money, but now more of your money is going to help Africa. In all likelihood, the (RED)tm tees probably cost less than $5, so what’s the point in overpaying for AIDS relief? And who really wants a shirt that looks like something an autistic 10-year-old made during arts and crafts time at summer camp?
5.) (RED)tm Tee Shirts: As mentioned before, these shirts are obscenely stupid. They’re all either red or white, and have things written on them like: “bo(red),” “inspi(red),” and my personal favorite, “hamme(red).” Now that’s just stupid. I feel like these shirts are more than just (RED)tm products. Instead, the people who wear them are putting on a huge, flashing neon sign that tells me, “Hey, let’s never hang out.”
6.) Bono not becoming the face of (RED)tm: This may be my biggest hold up with (RED)tm . Why is Bono staying out of the limelight? Is he truly a good person who just wants to help those suffering in Africa, or is he a cunning bastard who realizes he’ll garner more praise by setting all this up, and THEN staying in the background?*** Am I an incredibly messed up person for even thinking about this? I’ll be honest, Bono’s now mysterious involvement – since he set this all up, he’s done almost no press for it, aside from some brief voiceover work in a commercial – gives me pause.
In closing, I think (RED)tm is a lot like communism. In theory, it’s a great idea, but logistically it just doesn’t work (for me at least). There are just too many unanswered questions. In fact, I didn’t even get to the possible conspiracy theory that this is just the most brilliant ad campaign by major companies of all time. However, for me I think the most pressing question is this: Does my cynicism about all of this lead back to my naivety that people can actually make a difference and care for those dying in Africa without buying something that benefits them? I don’t know. I just don’t know.
Until We Meet Again
* Hey I’m as sick of U2 as everyone else, but there’s still no denying their greatness.
** Hanes has in no way paid me for this endorsement of their product, mainly because they don’t know who I am. But I strongly recommend the Hanes Perfect Tee, it’s great.
*** Have I been reading too much David Foster Wallace? Yes.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
A Copy of My Living Will
So I’ve made it to Denver and outside of the never ending snow, everything’s going great. I’ve yet to find a job and my Arizona Wildcats are now plunging into oblivion, but my spirits are still high. That said I can’t help but feel like this is the end of the line for me. The last person to live in the house I now call home vacated the premises because she thought she was getting carbon monoxide poisoning. And if the carbon monoxide doesn’t kill me, then Marcus Williams’s insistence on trying to take over at the end of games will*. So since my death is likely imminent, I’m submitting to all of you my living will. Know that I love you all.
To My Friends and Family:
I, Calvin Paradise, declare this my final will and testament. My brother/editor Luke Paradise will be the executor of this will. In this will you find instructions for what to with all of my earthly possessions. Good luck and God Bless.
To My Brother Max I leave: My iPod, my Nintendo DS and my jeans. While on earth we were pretty much each others doppelgangers, I want you to remember that I was the more attractive one. Yeah that’s right, I can still fit (sort of) into size 32 jeans. And I’ve totally seen more naked chicks then you**. Boyah brother, boyah.
To My Brother Luke I leave: My pre-recorded toast to play at his wedding. I also leave him all my shirts, since he’s always “borrowing” them and then never returning them.
To My Brother Jordan I leave: My memoir entitled “How to Be Awesome”. This book will teach you all you need to know and then some. God Speed, brother.
To My Sister Abby I leave: A $25 gift certificate to Applebee’s, because we never got to get dinner before I left for Denver and subsequently died. I also wish to spend some of my left over money to buy a “Thelma and Louise” DVD for her and her ‘best friend’ Ashley. Don’t ask.
To My Parents I leave: My love as well as my student loans, sorry.
To My ‘boy’ Sam I leave: My permanent residence in my parent’s house, since he’s there more often then anyone who actually lives there, I figure we should make it official. (Sorry again Mom and Dad)
To My ‘bro’ Billy I leave: A framed, signed photo of my ass. And a nice sturdy chair to sit in.
To My ‘homey’ Jake I leave: My running shoes, get your ass into shape and into the Coast Guard.
To My ‘brosif’ Joe I leave: My starting Point Guard (or is it two-guard?) position on Team Mankind.
To My ‘Main Man’ Travis I leave: My little black book***.
To My ‘friend’ Aaron I leave: My gambling addiction, may it treat you better then it did me.
To Jimmy Asdell I leave: My position on Team Mankind. Hopefully this makes up for all the times you got cut in High School.
To Adam “Heartbreak” Stidham I leave: All the sad songs I’ve ever written. May you achieve your dream of becoming the next Chris Carrabba.
To All the Women in My Life: I think I left all of you more then enough. My apologies to all the men who have to follow in my foot steps.
To Everyone Who Didn’t Get Mentioned: Know that you don’t need any materialistic thing to remember me by, because I live on in your hearts. You can all get together several times a week to sing my praises and talk about how great I was. I loved you all. I’ll leave you now with the immortal words of Babe Ruth from “Sandlot”: Heroes get remembered, but legends (like Calvin) never die.
Peace, Love, The Gap.
- Calvin Blake Paradise (1985-2007)
Note to overly-sensitive readers: This was meant as a joke. I don’t wish to or plan on dying anytime in the near future. For those of you who don’t think faux living wills are funny then you seriously need to examine your life, because you’re probably not funny.
Note to all my friends who were mentioned and that I most likely offended: I’m so very sorry, I was trying to be funny. I love and miss you all.
Until We Meet Again
* This has no place in this post, but please allow me to rant about the current state of Arizona basketball. Our program has not won a meaningful game since the 2005 Sweet Sixteen. The current team refuses to get over the hump, it’s like someone told them that a single digit lose counts the same as a win. They’re the biggest group of teases I’ve ever seen. This team is currently shooting horrendously, so they play just enough defense to keep the game close so they can make a run at the end that will fall short. I can’t take it anymore. It’s literally driving me insane. I can’t stop thinking about games in which I have absolutely no power in determining the outcome. For those of you reading this who aren’t U of A fans, let me tell you it’s one of the worst mistakes you can make in your life. It’s like willing signing up for 5+ months of mental, emotional, spiritual and at times physical torture. That said I wouldn’t change my affiliation/obsession for the world. I still have faith in Lute and I still have faith in this team. Bear Down.
** This is only true if there’s a way to see a negative number of naked chicks. Bear Down.
*** My actual black book, not that sh*tty Britney Murphy movie… Bear Down.
To My Friends and Family:
I, Calvin Paradise, declare this my final will and testament. My brother/editor Luke Paradise will be the executor of this will. In this will you find instructions for what to with all of my earthly possessions. Good luck and God Bless.
To My Brother Max I leave: My iPod, my Nintendo DS and my jeans. While on earth we were pretty much each others doppelgangers, I want you to remember that I was the more attractive one. Yeah that’s right, I can still fit (sort of) into size 32 jeans. And I’ve totally seen more naked chicks then you**. Boyah brother, boyah.
To My Brother Luke I leave: My pre-recorded toast to play at his wedding. I also leave him all my shirts, since he’s always “borrowing” them and then never returning them.
To My Brother Jordan I leave: My memoir entitled “How to Be Awesome”. This book will teach you all you need to know and then some. God Speed, brother.
To My Sister Abby I leave: A $25 gift certificate to Applebee’s, because we never got to get dinner before I left for Denver and subsequently died. I also wish to spend some of my left over money to buy a “Thelma and Louise” DVD for her and her ‘best friend’ Ashley. Don’t ask.
To My Parents I leave: My love as well as my student loans, sorry.
To My ‘boy’ Sam I leave: My permanent residence in my parent’s house, since he’s there more often then anyone who actually lives there, I figure we should make it official. (Sorry again Mom and Dad)
To My ‘bro’ Billy I leave: A framed, signed photo of my ass. And a nice sturdy chair to sit in.
To My ‘homey’ Jake I leave: My running shoes, get your ass into shape and into the Coast Guard.
To My ‘brosif’ Joe I leave: My starting Point Guard (or is it two-guard?) position on Team Mankind.
To My ‘Main Man’ Travis I leave: My little black book***.
To My ‘friend’ Aaron I leave: My gambling addiction, may it treat you better then it did me.
To Jimmy Asdell I leave: My position on Team Mankind. Hopefully this makes up for all the times you got cut in High School.
To Adam “Heartbreak” Stidham I leave: All the sad songs I’ve ever written. May you achieve your dream of becoming the next Chris Carrabba.
To All the Women in My Life: I think I left all of you more then enough. My apologies to all the men who have to follow in my foot steps.
To Everyone Who Didn’t Get Mentioned: Know that you don’t need any materialistic thing to remember me by, because I live on in your hearts. You can all get together several times a week to sing my praises and talk about how great I was. I loved you all. I’ll leave you now with the immortal words of Babe Ruth from “Sandlot”: Heroes get remembered, but legends (like Calvin) never die.
Peace, Love, The Gap.
- Calvin Blake Paradise (1985-2007)
Note to overly-sensitive readers: This was meant as a joke. I don’t wish to or plan on dying anytime in the near future. For those of you who don’t think faux living wills are funny then you seriously need to examine your life, because you’re probably not funny.
Note to all my friends who were mentioned and that I most likely offended: I’m so very sorry, I was trying to be funny. I love and miss you all.
Until We Meet Again
* This has no place in this post, but please allow me to rant about the current state of Arizona basketball. Our program has not won a meaningful game since the 2005 Sweet Sixteen. The current team refuses to get over the hump, it’s like someone told them that a single digit lose counts the same as a win. They’re the biggest group of teases I’ve ever seen. This team is currently shooting horrendously, so they play just enough defense to keep the game close so they can make a run at the end that will fall short. I can’t take it anymore. It’s literally driving me insane. I can’t stop thinking about games in which I have absolutely no power in determining the outcome. For those of you reading this who aren’t U of A fans, let me tell you it’s one of the worst mistakes you can make in your life. It’s like willing signing up for 5+ months of mental, emotional, spiritual and at times physical torture. That said I wouldn’t change my affiliation/obsession for the world. I still have faith in Lute and I still have faith in this team. Bear Down.
** This is only true if there’s a way to see a negative number of naked chicks. Bear Down.
*** My actual black book, not that sh*tty Britney Murphy movie… Bear Down.
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