In the News

Here’s yet another new segment for the blog that I’ll probably never do again. In this post will break down recent new and current hot topics. Enough of the foreplay, let’s jump right in.

- Like most America I excitedly tuned in for the debut of Bonds on Bonds on ESPN. Unfortunately, despite it’s deceptive title, this show was only about baseball and steroids.*
- In a recent speech Hispanic Activist Dolores Huerta said that ‘Republicans hate Latinos’. Well Dolores what do you expect when the only achievement of note your people have made is introducing us to the burrito and enchilada ?
- Charlize Theron is beginning to realizes that she’s only gonna be remember for that one time she played that ugly lesbian. www.usatoday.com/life/people/2006-04-09-glaad_x.htm
- Not really current news, but BJ Armstrong and/or Greg Anthony might be the worst writer I’ve ever seen published, and this is coming from a man who once read Pima’s college newspaper
- On April 14th U.S.A Today did a cover story on how Hollywood is more films directed at Christian audience due to the success of The Passions and Chronicles of Narnia. I think I speak for everyone when I say I can’t wait for the film version of “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.”
- Apparently Child Services has twice visited Britney Spears’s home, over concern for her child’s welfare. I have only three questions based on this: 1.) Is anyone really surprised? 2.) Does anyone even care about Britney and K-Fed anymore? And 3.) How the f*ck is this considered news?
- George Lopez’s sitcom has been tentatively canceled by ABC. I can’t prove it, but I’m willing to bet Republicans are behind this.
- Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow had another child, this one they named Moses. In other news apparently people are still interested in an overrated actress and the guy who desperately wants to be Thom Yorke.
- While this news is a couple of months old, it’s still worth restating: The Daily Show is no longer funny. John Stewart takes himself way too serious and most of the time just comes off as pretentious as oppose to funny. And the best part of the show was the three side reporters, the Steve’s (Carrol and Colbert) and Mo Rocko, whom have all moved on. Really the Colbert Report is far, far funnier and should be getting a more favorable timeslot then The Daily Show.
- In a story that seems like it has to be made up, Indian director T. Rajeevnath continues to insist that he intends to cast Paris Hilton as Mother Teresa. I personally all for this, I also think we should cast Charles Manson as Jesus Christ the next time and Easter film is made. And when they finally make a film about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr let’s give the role to OJ or Suge Knight. . What’s next, teen-heart throb Heath Ledger playing a gay cowboy? Oh wait…
- Despite her beauty, I’m about ready to curb Eva Longoria. You’ll see what I mean next time you watch a Spurs game. Every time her boo Tony Parker scores the cameras inevitably pan to Eva in the crowd overacting and overall acting like a dumb, pre-teen bimbo. Eva now reminds me of those girls in highschool who would scream as loud as they possibly could anytime their athlete boy friend did anything of note. And let’s be honest, did anyone really like those girls? Even their best friends always looked miserable next to them at sporting events.
- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has a baby. I’d make a joke here, but it’s really just to easy. It seems like TomKat is the new Brokeback Mountain ****

Well that’s it for now. Check back in the near future, I might have something else posted. *****

* In case you missed it the joke was that the title bonds on bonds sounds like something you’d see in a porno, or so I’ve been told.**
** The joke here is that I’ve never seen a porno, I’d just know this trough hearsay. This is a joke because I have seen a porno***
*** It was only soft core, honest to God.
**** As in the punch line that everyone can easily use to be funny. If this keeps up we may soon be over run with unfunny people thinking they’re funny because of phenomenons such as Brokeback and TomKat. I hope and pray that’s not the case.
***** I apologize for the ending of this blog. I wrote it at 8:00 in the morning, after I had worked an 8-hour shift and then biked 10+ miles home.

Trend-Spotting

This here is the beginning of a new segment on my blog that I like to call trend-spotting. It will tell you what’s currently in, and what said in thing is replacing. I’m hesitant to call this a segment because I’ll probably never do it again, but that’s neither here nor there. Anyhow, on to trend-spotting.

- Jim Gaffigan is the new Mitch Hedberg
- Duke’s Lacrosse Team is the new Minnesota Vikings
- Quitting smoking is the new smoking
- Walk outs are the new war protests
- Da Vinci Code is the new Left Behind
- ATL is the new* Brokeback Mountain.
- Rachel McAdams is the new Jessica Alba
- Joakim Noah is the new Saul Smith
- Pragmatic is the new optimism
- Express is the new Buffalo (Exchange)
- Half chubs are the new boners.
- Death Cab for Cutie is the new Dashboard
- Deal or no Deal is the new Who Wants to be a Millionare
- Text Messaging is the new internet porn
- "I wish I knew how to quit you!” is the new “I’m Rick James Bitch.”
- Jason Mraz is the New John Mayer, wait scratch that. John Mayer is the new John Mayer.
- Self control is the new masturbation
- James Blunt’s Beautiful is the new Nickleback’s photograph**
- “And boom goes the dynamite!” is the new “And he could… go… all… the… way.”***
- Coldplay is the new U2, and I mean that in the worst possible way.
- Cleavage is the new thong slip
- DJ Gallo is the new Sports Guy
- “See ya ‘round” is the new “wasssup?”
- Burger King Commercials are the new Bud Light Commercials
- Mother Nature is the new Bin Laden

Well that’s all the trends we have time for today. See ya ‘round readers.

Until We Meet Again

* And by new I mean black.
** As in the radio hit that’s so bad it’s funny, therefore becoming good.
*** This maybe one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen:
www.ebaumsworld.com/sportsnews.html

News and Notes...

So I haven’t posted anything in a while, mostly due to being extremely busy and lazy. Anyhow here’s a sampling things that I’ve currently been pondering.

- So for those of you that don’t know there’s suppose to be a massive one day strike Monday in Tucson (or as we like to call it T-Town) to protest new immigration laws. There’s even suppose to be a march somewhere in the city. People from all walks of life will either call in sick or walk out of work to join the protest. I personally think this is a brilliant idea. To show our government how much we want illegal immigrants to stay, we’re going to great length to show the powers that be that we can be just as lazy as these immigrants are. Also it should be noted that a walk-out loses most of it’s strength when everyone already knows about it. Just a great job all around.
- Start getting excited about the new Built to Spill album coming out this year. I have a leaked version, which is also laced so that every 30 seconds Mike Jones asks us: Who is Mike Jones? And while some songs may not be as good with out the Mike Jones lacing, this album is going to be great. So seriously, get excited.
- For those of you who have a hard on for both shoes and the Arizona Wildcats, go here: http://www.nike.com/nikebasketball/usa/?loclist=marchmadness&promoID=USBB_EM_031606_marchmadness
- You heard it hear first, this Lebron James kid could be something special.
- Speaking of Lebron and the NBA, there’s a huge debate over who should be the MVP this year. The candidates are Lebron, Steve Nash, Kobe Bryant, Dwayne Wade, Dirk Nowitzki and Chauncey Billups. All of these candidates have there flaws, Lebron’s team isn’t good enough. As of late Nash’s team is making game deciding runs with him on the bench. Dirk would be my choice for MVP, except for the fact that Jason Terry and Jerry Stackhouse are the ones taking all the big shots for the Mavericks this year. Dwayne Wade is great, but when Shaq’s on your team, even old run-down Shaq, you’re not the league’s MVP. Kobe has passed the ball exactly 26 times this season, so he’s out. Which brings us to Chauncey Billups, whose MVP canidancy makes this award the biggest f*cking joke ever. First off anyone who watches the Pistons knows two things, one: it’s all about the team game with them, and two: Chauncey is the worst defender on the team. Also take into account that Rasheed Wallace is the Pistons MVP and you’ll begin to figure out why I almost vomit every time Chauncey’s name is mention for MVP. So who is this years MVP, my vote would be for a split, between Lebron and Paul Pierce. Yes I know the Celtics suck, but no one in the league has played better this year then Pierce. I don’t even like the guy, but he deserves some recognition for how amazing he’s been this year. And well Lebron is just better then everyone else, so he also deserves it.
- Some say Hell has no flames, just a front row seat to watch your true love pack her things and go. I would argue the hell indeed has no flames, but instead of watching your true love leave, you instead watch the entire Wayans Brother’s filmography for all of eternity.
- On my last trip to the Casino I made over 250 dollars. I use to think I had a gambling problem, but as it turns out I have a gambling solution.
- I’m not sure I can wait until it’s out on DVD, I need to see FD3 now!!!!
- The Southland – Influence of Geography is my musical recommendation of the week.
- Speaking of music, it’s great to have Shawn Mullins back on the airwaves.
- Was I the only one that found it odd that a month after I asked where Josh Hartnet had gone, Luck Number Sleven comes out? Coincedecne, I think not. This here blog has some serious clout.
- On a similar note f*ck this film, as it will eventually make sleven a catchphrase.

Well that’s all for today. I’ll catch you on the up ‘n up.

Until We Meet Again.