Top 5 Reasons to Hate Bob Melvin and Stephen Drew

Last night I planned on finally writing about why I hate “The Hills” and reality TV, but after the Diamondbacks collapse I just couldn’t focus. I was put fully on tilt by their latest meltdown and could think of nothing else. So instead of writing about TV, I will now roll out my Top 5 Reason to Hate Bob Melvin and Stephen Drew. For those of you who don’t know, Bob Melvin is the Dbacks manager and Stephen Drew is their starting shortstop. For those of you who don’t care, I apologize. Just know this bitter, hate-filled rant is my way of venting. Enjoy.

5.) Bob Melvin’s Name:

I mean what the hell kinda of name is Bob Melvin anyway? His name sounds like a name you’d find on some high schooler’s fake id. It just sounds like a made up name. Actually his name sounds like he’s the evil manager of the burger joint in some Disney Channel movie. He’s always making life miserable for all the employees and is constantly giving our young protagonist, who of course is played by Zac Efron, a particularly hard time. And when you’re as beautiful as Zac Efron you shouldn’t take that kinda crap from anyone. Especially when you can sing… like a bird*.

4.) Stephen Drew’s Name:

Stephen Drew, what a terrible name. While we’re on the subject of Disney Made-for-TV movies, Stephen Drew sounds like the name for the preppy villain who’s also the starting quarterback on the high school football team. He’s also dating the head cheerleader who doesn’t realize she’s more then just a pretty face. Naturally he treats her very poorly, cause all football players treat their girlfriends poorly. Hopefully some young, beautiful but somehow nerdy boy will tell her how truly special she is and help her break free from the oppressive life-style that Drew and popularity force on her.

Ok, enough of that. Back to why I hate Stephen Drew’s name. Well, he has two first names, that’s why. 93% of people with two first names are a—holes, that’s just proven fact. And both his first and last name both are staple first names’ in the Frat Guy Community. The only way his name could be more Fratastic was if it was Clay Brad or Chad Troy.

3.) The handling of Line-Ups and Pitching Staff:

As if last nights completely mind-boggling use of Tony Pena wasn’t enough to prove this point, Melvin has been terrible at handling his pitching staff all year. He constantly leaves his starters in too long, routinely over-uses his middle relievers ‘til they either hit a wall or run out of confidence. He also continues to juggle the batting order so much that not a single hitter knows their role. And he continues to bench Conor Jackson, who not only has Hollywood style good looks, but is also our most effective offense player, statistically speaking. Needless to say if this team misses the playoffs the finger should be pointed directly at Melvin, who keeps finding new and ambitious ways to f*ck up this teams talent.

2.) The Curse of the Drew Family:

The Drew family is notorious for being immensely talented under-achievers. It looks like Stephen is no exception to this. It also doesn’t help him or J.D. that they both are completely devoid of emotions. In fact, I think they might be robots. Although that raises the much more difficult question of why are these robots so ineffective? Perhaps the world of Super Baseball 2020 is a lot farther off then we once thought.

1.) My Provocative:

As it turns out that I’m that guy. The guy who has to hate someone or something about the team he roots for. I feel like this phenomenon is especially true for me when it comes to baseball, probably cause I know so very little about it. That and I feed of negative energy, so yeah.

Until We Meet Again
* So I meant for that to be a Superbad reference, instead it came out like the rambling of a drunken 5 year old. My bad, my bad.