So as just about all of you already know, my blog will be shutting down for the next 6-8 weeks. I had planned some huge, grand finale type of post, but various things (weddings, pre-wedding parties, friends on military leave, ect.) kept getting in the way. The reason for my blog’s leave of absence is because I’ll be going up into the mountains of Colorado to be a summer camp counselor for the next few months. I’ll have about 8 hours a week when I won’t be on a mountain, so blogging is going to be somewhat impossible. I want to thank all of you for reading and remember I shall return in about two months. Hopefully this last post gave you all a chance for some closure and got that horrible Semisonic song stuck in your head.
Until We Meet Again
* I don’t have a footnote for this blog, but I feel like there’s something that I need to tell all of you. As I’m writing this the promo for SportsCenter is running in the background. Apparently tonight they’ll be a piece on whose baby will be a bigger sports star. This means some poor bastards employed by ESPN will have to debate this topic in regards to the children Tiger Woods, LeBron James and Jeff Gordon just had. This kinda makes you long for the days when SportsCenter was watchable. Also, if I had to join in this debate I would never be able to show my face in public again.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Top 5 Reasons to Hate America
Don’t let the title of this post fool you, I am not anti-American. I fully believe that this is one of the best, or at the very least most comfortable, places to live. There’s a lot reasons to love this country. But on the flip side, there’s also a lot of reasons the rest of the world thinks we’re a--holes. If you ever stop and think about reasons the rest of the world might hate us, you realize that we are indeed a--holes. Loveable a--holes, but a--holes none the less. With that in mind, I’ve made a list of my Top 5 Reasons to Hate America. But don’t worry dear reader(s). My blog isn’t about to morph into some sort of political blog. I’m not about to start writing about the grave injustice that is the Iraq war, or about all the protests I go to, or how inept our Congress and President are. Nor will I start linking NPR and Greenpeace. I’m not that boring. In all likelihood this is just a one time deal, so enjoy it. Now on the list.
5. Dane Cook/Larry the Cable Guy (tie): Let’s get this out of the way, neither of these men are remotely funny. The two main things comedians need to be funny are material and delivery. Both these men are failing miserably in those regards. Dane Cook’s jokes are almost never funny and his delivery resembles that of a 10 year old boy who just realized he can make his friends laugh by screaming everything he says while wildly gesticulating. And while this may have been funny in 4th grade, it’s lost a good deal of its luster over the years.
Then there’s Larry the Cable Guy. Larry just has stupid catch phrases and racists remarks to make about rednecks. How incredibly original! His delivery isn’t funny at all, it just sounds like someone doing a bad or over-exaggerated southern accent. If I really wanted to hear that I’d watch Varsity Blues. In spite of all this, these men are some how the two most popular comedians in America. Our country continually sells out all their shows, goes and watches their horribly contrived movies and flaunts these men as comedic geniuses. If I lived in another country I’d hate us just for the ignorance of supporting these two massive, massive tools
4. Paris Hilton: Really no more needs to be said about this woman thing…
3. Independence Day: No, not the actual 4th of July, but the blockbuster movie starring Will Smith and Bill Pullman. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love this movie. But I can see how it might rub non-Americans the wrong way. For instance, right before the climatic fight scene, the American protagonists send out their plans to defeat the aliens to the rest of the world via Morse Code. When the British army receives this message two officers have the following exchange in crummy English accents:
Officer #1: We’re getting a message from someone using old Morse Code. (Pauses to decipher the message) It’s from the Americans! They’ve got a plan!
Officer #2: Well it’s about bloody time!
Now keep this in mind as that dialogue sinks in, this movie was written by Americans. If you’re some dopey European watching this movie, you probably view this exchange and think:
“This is how Americans view themselves. When the world is in peril, everyone just sits around holding their dicks waiting for the Americans to come up with an idea and bail everyone out.”
Now it may not have been the writers intention for it to comes off this way, but intent generally means sh*t in the grand scheme of things. This is how the rest of the world thinks we view ourselves. We’re the heroes who are better then everyone else. We’ll drop everything and bail you out, because we’re that f*cking awesome. Granted we did this in both World Wars, but that was over 70 years ago, isn’t it about time we stop living off that memory? All we’ve done since then is make more sh*t for everyone else by trying to play Justice League all across the globe.
We’re now like the sorority girl(s) who use to never have to wait in line at the clubs, never had to buy a drink when she went out, was an a—hole to every guy and a bitch to every girl, yet she was basically untouchable for her entire youth because of her looks. Now fast forward 10 years. The years haven’t been to kind to this gal. Her a$$ has gotten bigger, chest has gotten smaller and her face looks more weathered then most casual drug users. However, this girl is still trying to act like she’s the hottest girl in the world. She’s a sad, shallow simpleton who’s still trying to live off her glory years. She can no longer get into the hottest clubs and alienates everyone in the bars she does get into by singing a little too passionately to Margaretville when it comes on*. This is just what America is like now, times two or three. I mean isn’t it time we all got over World War II**?
2. Super Sweet 16: You could substitute most MTV shows here, but this one happens to be the most deplorable of the bunch. Actually I take that back, I can tolerate/slightly enjoy most MTV shows, but Super Sweet 16 seems to be the Devil incarnated in serialized form. For my sanity’s sake I’m going to assume most of you know what goes on in this show and not explain it. All I know though is if I lived in some 3rd World country and for some reason had access to cable and this show, it would take about a nano-second of watching it before I’d swear a Jihad on the all of the United States. Hell, I live a comfortable middle-class suburbian life and all I can think about doing sometimes is hunting down and brutally murdering the little b*tches that are on this show. Ok, so that might be a bit of an over-exaggeration, but this show angers me a great deal. And as David Cross once eloquently said: “If this is what are freedom brings, then I hate our freedom too***.”
1. KFC Famous Bowls: Ok, everyone knows America has an obesity issue, but the KFC Famous Bowls are just ridiculous. I mean I’m not one to play the “there’s children starving throughout the world” card, but how on earth can anyone ever justify eating one of these things? Outside of a dare or a lost bet I really can’t think of any other reason. First off, the ingredients to this thing (mashed potatoes, corn and chicken, covered by gravy and cheese) should never be mixed together. Honesty, who came up with this idea? This is the type of thing you make when you wake up bleary eyed on the day after Thanksgiving. You search through your fridge, determined to finish off the rest of the left-overs, after you pull everything out, you figure “what the hell, I’ll mix all of this together”. But after you eat it you immediately feel ashamed and swear that you’ll never tell anyone. If you friends ever found out what you did you’d never live it down. They’d constantly berate and remind you of how fat you are. Every time someone new was introduced to your group they’d eventually bring up the time you made the fattest meal ever. And that’s just what these bowls are. The fattest meal ever.
Until We Meet Again
* For all of you who think I just expanded on that scene from “Knocked Up”, allow me to explain myself: I’ve been using some version of this analogy since I was a sophomore in High School. I’ve just updated it. “Knocked Up” is one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen though.
** I mean this only for Americans. If you’re German or Jewish, well you know…
*** Ironically, or unironically if you actually think about it, Cross said this in reference to Paris Hilton.
5. Dane Cook/Larry the Cable Guy (tie): Let’s get this out of the way, neither of these men are remotely funny. The two main things comedians need to be funny are material and delivery. Both these men are failing miserably in those regards. Dane Cook’s jokes are almost never funny and his delivery resembles that of a 10 year old boy who just realized he can make his friends laugh by screaming everything he says while wildly gesticulating. And while this may have been funny in 4th grade, it’s lost a good deal of its luster over the years.
Then there’s Larry the Cable Guy. Larry just has stupid catch phrases and racists remarks to make about rednecks. How incredibly original! His delivery isn’t funny at all, it just sounds like someone doing a bad or over-exaggerated southern accent. If I really wanted to hear that I’d watch Varsity Blues. In spite of all this, these men are some how the two most popular comedians in America. Our country continually sells out all their shows, goes and watches their horribly contrived movies and flaunts these men as comedic geniuses. If I lived in another country I’d hate us just for the ignorance of supporting these two massive, massive tools
4. Paris Hilton: Really no more needs to be said about this woman thing…
3. Independence Day: No, not the actual 4th of July, but the blockbuster movie starring Will Smith and Bill Pullman. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love this movie. But I can see how it might rub non-Americans the wrong way. For instance, right before the climatic fight scene, the American protagonists send out their plans to defeat the aliens to the rest of the world via Morse Code. When the British army receives this message two officers have the following exchange in crummy English accents:
Officer #1: We’re getting a message from someone using old Morse Code. (Pauses to decipher the message) It’s from the Americans! They’ve got a plan!
Officer #2: Well it’s about bloody time!
Now keep this in mind as that dialogue sinks in, this movie was written by Americans. If you’re some dopey European watching this movie, you probably view this exchange and think:
“This is how Americans view themselves. When the world is in peril, everyone just sits around holding their dicks waiting for the Americans to come up with an idea and bail everyone out.”
Now it may not have been the writers intention for it to comes off this way, but intent generally means sh*t in the grand scheme of things. This is how the rest of the world thinks we view ourselves. We’re the heroes who are better then everyone else. We’ll drop everything and bail you out, because we’re that f*cking awesome. Granted we did this in both World Wars, but that was over 70 years ago, isn’t it about time we stop living off that memory? All we’ve done since then is make more sh*t for everyone else by trying to play Justice League all across the globe.
We’re now like the sorority girl(s) who use to never have to wait in line at the clubs, never had to buy a drink when she went out, was an a—hole to every guy and a bitch to every girl, yet she was basically untouchable for her entire youth because of her looks. Now fast forward 10 years. The years haven’t been to kind to this gal. Her a$$ has gotten bigger, chest has gotten smaller and her face looks more weathered then most casual drug users. However, this girl is still trying to act like she’s the hottest girl in the world. She’s a sad, shallow simpleton who’s still trying to live off her glory years. She can no longer get into the hottest clubs and alienates everyone in the bars she does get into by singing a little too passionately to Margaretville when it comes on*. This is just what America is like now, times two or three. I mean isn’t it time we all got over World War II**?
2. Super Sweet 16: You could substitute most MTV shows here, but this one happens to be the most deplorable of the bunch. Actually I take that back, I can tolerate/slightly enjoy most MTV shows, but Super Sweet 16 seems to be the Devil incarnated in serialized form. For my sanity’s sake I’m going to assume most of you know what goes on in this show and not explain it. All I know though is if I lived in some 3rd World country and for some reason had access to cable and this show, it would take about a nano-second of watching it before I’d swear a Jihad on the all of the United States. Hell, I live a comfortable middle-class suburbian life and all I can think about doing sometimes is hunting down and brutally murdering the little b*tches that are on this show. Ok, so that might be a bit of an over-exaggeration, but this show angers me a great deal. And as David Cross once eloquently said: “If this is what are freedom brings, then I hate our freedom too***.”
1. KFC Famous Bowls: Ok, everyone knows America has an obesity issue, but the KFC Famous Bowls are just ridiculous. I mean I’m not one to play the “there’s children starving throughout the world” card, but how on earth can anyone ever justify eating one of these things? Outside of a dare or a lost bet I really can’t think of any other reason. First off, the ingredients to this thing (mashed potatoes, corn and chicken, covered by gravy and cheese) should never be mixed together. Honesty, who came up with this idea? This is the type of thing you make when you wake up bleary eyed on the day after Thanksgiving. You search through your fridge, determined to finish off the rest of the left-overs, after you pull everything out, you figure “what the hell, I’ll mix all of this together”. But after you eat it you immediately feel ashamed and swear that you’ll never tell anyone. If you friends ever found out what you did you’d never live it down. They’d constantly berate and remind you of how fat you are. Every time someone new was introduced to your group they’d eventually bring up the time you made the fattest meal ever. And that’s just what these bowls are. The fattest meal ever.
Until We Meet Again
* For all of you who think I just expanded on that scene from “Knocked Up”, allow me to explain myself: I’ve been using some version of this analogy since I was a sophomore in High School. I’ve just updated it. “Knocked Up” is one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen though.
** I mean this only for Americans. If you’re German or Jewish, well you know…
*** Ironically, or unironically if you actually think about it, Cross said this in reference to Paris Hilton.
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