I’m a sham, a complete and utter sham. I sit here about to write my “Top Albums of the Year” post, and I’ve yet to listen to the album which I know is better than any that came out this year. That’s right, I’ve yet to listen to Bob Dylan’s newest effort Modern Times. I’m not sure why, but I just can’t bring myself to listen to it. Dylan is easily the most important person still making music, seeing as how he’s been putting out great records since the ‘60’s. And here I am about to write about the best albums of the year, when I haven’t even listened to the record put out by the best artist in said year. But the thing about artists like Dylan and Tom Waits – important musical figures who are still churning out amazing records* – is that their albums transcend “Best Of…” lists. Or at least that’s my excuse for why I haven’t listened to either of their albums yet. At any rate, these lists are more or less pointless, seeing as how I don’t have enough time to listen to enough music to make a fully comprehensive list. In fact, three of my favorite records from last year (all of which would have made my Top 10 list), I didn’t even hear until this year**. Anyhow, before we get started with this year’s list, there are a few mini-lists I need to preface things with.
Albums Which Garnered Critical Acclaim this Year That I’m Glad I Don’t ‘get’:
Joanna Newsom – Ys: Sure, the harp playing is beautiful, but her voice is truly one of the worst human-made sounds ever recorded.
Danielson – Ships: This band could put out an album on par with Doolittle, and I’d ignore it purely based on their song “That Dragon”, which is arguably the most obnoxious song ever made (in which Fergie was not involved, at least).
Rock Plaza Central - Are We Not Horses?: Listen, I love Neutral Milk Hotel and all, but some things just shouldn’t be emulated – especially this poorly.
Various – The World is Gone: It doesn’t help that I’m not a fan of the genre, but I’ve been to brothels that were less busy. (Well, I’ve actually never been to a brothel, but I’d imagine they’re rather busy places).
Albums I Liked, But Didn’t put Enough Time Into:
Ghostface Killah – Fishscale: I’m feeling confident that this is the best rap album of the year, but I’ve only listened to it all the way through twice – which is why it’s absent on this list.
Jarvis Cocker – Jarvis: The former Pulp front man’s solo album is immensely fun: it sounds like an updated Bowie record. I’m not sure if it would have landed in my Top 10, but at the very least warrants mentioning.
Sunset Rubdown – Shut Up, I’m Dreaming: A little odd sounding, had probably the best opening track off any record I heard this year. But in the end, I didn’t give it as much time as it deserved. I’ve already vowed to give it an extensive listen in the future.
TV on the Radio – Return to Cookie Mountain: Technically speaking, this is the most impressive album I heard all year. I’ve only listened to it once and it seems like it has epic potential. Yet another album which I need to listen to more.
(It should be noted that all the albums listed here would have made my Top 20, but I decided to put other albums in their spots instead).
Well, that’s it for the mini-lists. Here are the Top 20 Albums of the Year. It should go without saying, but this is all my opinion and this list shouldn’t be taken as anything more than a sign that I have too much time on my hands. Anyhow, I’ll give a quick rundown of albums 20-11 and then go further into detail on albums 10-1. Just a little warning, but this is probably going to be very long and overly pretentious; just thought I should warn you. It should also be noted that some of my explanations of things may come off as short and fragmented. That’s not because of poor writing (OK, it probably is), but has more to do with my desire to be short and concise because this list takes a long time to write (or in your case, read).
20.) Starflyer 59 – My Island: One of the best guitar rock bands of the last two decades turns out another solid album with incredible highlights, most notably “I Win” and “Ideas for the Talented”.
19.) The Killers – Sam’s Town: Not nearly as epic as they hoped, but this is still a very fun album. While most will knock this album for it’s similarities to “Hot Fuss”, I tend to respect a band that knows what it does well and sticks with it (see also: the first two Strokes albums). When bands that are successful at doing one type of music and then try to branch out, it usually ends poorly (see: the third Strokes album). Let’s hope that’s not the case with The Killers. I’d list top tracks, but they’ll all be singles eventually so just have patience.
18.) Regina Spektor - Fidelity: With her unusually charming vocals and mixture of folk and classical music, this was one of the most surprising and off-beat pop records I’ve heard this year. Top tracks include, but are not limited to, “Fidelity”, “On the Radio” and “20 Years of Snow”. It should also be noted that Regina has replaced Beth Orton as my newest indie crush.
17.) Decemberists – Crane Wife: Easily the band’s weakest album to date, but its hits far outweigh the misses, and even the misses are not so much misses as they are just not hits. I realize that doesn’t make any sense, so I’ll just list off some of the best tracks: “The Crane Wife pt. 1 and 2”, “O Valencia!”, and “Sons and Daughters”.
16.) Band of Horses – Everything All the Time: This band was overly-hyped, and therefore never judged fairly by me. I like this album, but half the songs tend to bleed together. If I had just discovered this band on my own, without having every musical outlet and indie friend I have singing its praises, I probably would have liked it more. Instead, my expectations were way too high, and I was a little under-whelmed. Still, a very good album. Top Tracks: “The Funeral”, “St. Augustine”, “First Song”.
15.) Mewithoutyou – Brother, Sister: This punk/grunge/hardcore/scremo band clearly studied up on their Fugazi, System of a Down, and Pixies before this album, and we’re all the beneficiaries of that. Also, it’s pretty damn good. Top tracks: “Messes of Men”, “A Glass Can Only Spill What It Contains”, “Wolf Am I! (And Shadow)”.
14.) Eef Barzlay – The Ballad of Bitter Honey: This album is more or less the anthems for lazy summer nights. Eef, Clem Snide’s front man, uses mostly just an acoustic guitar and piano for the instruments on this album. Despite Eef’s offbeat voice, the album is incredibly relaxing and soothing. Top Tracks: “Ballad of Bitter Honey”, “N.M.A.”, “I Wasn’t Really Drunk”, “Words That Escape Me”, “Joy to the World”.
13.) M. Ward – Post War: Yet another brilliant album by Ward, which everyone, myself included, is underrating. Part of the problem is that Ward underplays on his own album, meaning he holds back some of his amazing guitar work for his live shows. The other part of the problem is that the majority of this album sounds like it could just have easily been on all his other records. Now that doesn’t mean the songs are bad; they’re actually really, really good. It’s just that it dampens the songs’ quality, or more appropriately their impact, that it sounds like you’ve heard them before. Top Tracks: “Poison Cup”, “Chinese Translation”.
12.) Annuals – Be He Me: In the not too distant future, I will look back at this list and the Annuals’ album will stick out like a third nipple. Either I will have vastly overrated it or underrated it. At the present time, I’m not really sure where it fits. Part of me believes it should be in my top ten, as it continues to grow on me. Yet something in the back of my mind tells me that I’m probably overrating it. I stuck it at number 12, because I think that covers me either way. I have no idea how this will play out in the long run, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t the least bit intrigued. Top Tracks: “Brother”, “Ida My”, “Father”, “Sway”.
11.) Bruce Springsteen –We Shall Overcome: the Seeger Sessions: The Boss is always at his best when he’s doing country/folk songs (see “Waitin’ on a Sunny Day” or every song off Nebraska) and on this album he goes all-out bluegrass. I think the Coen Brothers probably could have used this as the soundtrack for O’ Brother Where Art Thou, as every song has that old-timey blues/folksy feel to it. And thank God that Bruce lacks the self-awareness to realize the joke of covering Pete Seeger songs as a form of war protest. Top Tracks: “Pay Me My Money Down”, “Jacob’s Ladder”, “Old Dan Tucker”, “O’ Mary Don’t You Weep”.
And now on to the Big 10***. The Top tracks for each album are in order of my opinion of their awesomeness (if that’s even a word). Here they are.
10.): Willie Nelson – Songbird:
Top Tracks: “Songbird”, “Blue Hotel”, “Amazing Grace”, “Sad Song” and “Waltzes”.
The Rundown: This album was produced by Ryan Adams, a longstanding man-crush of mine, and his band, The Cardinals, are the backing band on this album. At first it’s a bit of an odd mix. You have Willie’s timeless soft voice and The Cardinals bar country style seemingly butting heads. Not to mention several songs include a gospel choir singing in the background. On paper it all seems like a mess, especially when The Cardinals music sometimes over powers Nelson’s voice. But in somehow it all works out. It didn’t click for me a t first, but around my 3rd listen through I stopped questioning why Willie’s voice wasn’t higher in the mix, why there wasn’t more minimalist production, ect., and just starting enjoy the album. And despite it’s flaws this album is really enjoyable. Whether Willie is covering Fleetwood Mac, himself or singing new material it all sounds great.
9.) Casiotone for the Painfully Alone – Etiquette:
Top Tracks: “New Years Kiss”, “Cold White Christmas”, “Scattered Pearls”, “Bobby Malone Moves Home”.
The Rundown: I think the best way to describe this album is that it sounds like something Stephen Merrit (Magnetic Fields, Future Bible Hereos) would have made. This is pretty much pure electronica-pop, and it’s great. Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, which is one of the best band names ever, is mainly Owen Ashworth, as he writes all the lyrics and music. A few female singers pop-up on a couple songs, which is no surprise since Ashworth is more obsessed with Lesbians then I was at the age of 15. Every song has a fine mixture of sarcasm and genuineness. The only real downside to this record is Ashworth’s voice, which is fine, but if you’re not in the mood for a heavy dose monotone vocals then you’re in for a rough listen. But if you yearn for monotone then this is a CD for you.
8.) Figurines – Skeleton:
Top Tracks: “Race You”, “Ghost Town”, “Fiery Affair”, “Rivalry”
The Rundown: While this comparison greatly undermines the Figurines, the best way to describe their music is it sounds like the Flaming Lips covering Modest Mouse. The Figurines are a Danish band, which I why their front man, Christian Hjelm, has a peculiar sounding voice. The band is also heavily influenced by Built to Spill and Pavement, but who isn’t these days. Outside of the semi-mellow opener “Race You” this album is pure upbeat indie rock. None of the songs really jump out at you as overly amazing, but on the other hand there’s not a bad song on the CD. Suffice to say this album is well worth a listen to if you’re a fan of any of the above mentioned bands or good music.
7.) Tapes ‘n Tapes – The Loon:
Top Tracks: “Manitoba”, “Cowbell”, “Insistor”, “Jakov's Suite”.
The Rundown: This album is pretty much a blueprint for how to make and indie rock record. Tapes ‘n Tapes perfectly borrows from a wide variety of bands such as The Pixies, Modest Mouse, Pavement, Built to Spill and even a little Walkmen is mixed in there. This is the only album on this list that didn’t get a single track on my Best Songs of 2006 list and that’s not meant to be a knock on any of the tracks on this album. It’s just that these songs work far better as a collection then they do on their own. I think that makes Tapes ‘n Tapes the anti-Franz Ferdinand. If you’re a hipster in training or just want to get in the indie scene this would be a great album to start out with. It’s not a difficult listen and it steals so much from other bands that it’s kinda like and indie rock variety pack.
6.) Camera Obscura – Let’s Get Out of This Country:
Top Tracks: “Lloyd I’m Ready to Be Heartbroken”, “If Looks Could Kill”, “I Need All the Friends I Can Get”, “Tears for Affairs”.
The Rundown: This album is absolutely fantastic in just about every facet. Musically it sounds like and indie update of the 60’s psychedelic surf pop. Lyrically it’s practically the antithesis of the records upbeat music. Just about every song is about heartbreak, while the music is reminiscent of a sunny day at the beach. Every song also has an oldie, almost Motown, feel to it. The whole album is exceptional, especially the opener “Lloyd I’m Ready to Be Heartbroken”, which is a response to Lloyd Cole’s classic “Are You Ready to Be Heartbroken?”. I originally thought the song was about Say Anything’s protagonist Lloyd Dobbler. I’m actually unsure which of those explanations I would have liked better, but that’s neither here nor there.
5.) Oh No! Oh My! – Self-titled:
Top Tracks: “I Have No Sister”, “Reeks and Seeks”, “Lisa Make Love (It’s Okay!)”, “I Love You all the Time”, “Women Are Born in Love”.
The Rundown: If I were to write a one word review of this album the word would be: simplistic. This album is just straight forward indie pop. Some songs lyrics aren’t longer then a single sentence. If I were to add a second word to this albums review it would be charming. Whether it’s the head swaying, toe taping music or the subtly clever lyrics, you can’t help but smirk when listening to this record. Oh No! Oh My! sounds like a younger, americanized version of Belle and Sebastian. They show their cleverness not only in their lyrics, but also in this albums length and production. They self-released this album and it has incredible flow to it and it’s a shade under 35 minutes. Maybe I should have just said this album was short, sweet and charming and just moved on.
4.) I’m From Barcelona – Let Me Introduce My Friends:
Top Tracks: “Barcelona Loves You”, “Oversleeping”, “Chicken Pox”, “This Boy”, “Collection of Stamps”.
The Rundown: If Let Me Introduce My Friends was a sports team, it would be the 2006 Detroit Tigers. Top to bottom both their pitching staff and field players were great, but the Tigers lacked a superstar to put them over the top in both categories. The same is true for this album. Every song on it is great, but lacks the knock out song to truly make it an epic album. That said, while the highlights on Let Me Introduce My Friends aren’t as good as those on The Polyphonic Spree or Boy Least Likely albums, this is the best twee pop album I’ve heard. For a short while I thought this was going to be my album of the year, I was just waiting for a few of the songs to take it up a notch, but they never did so this album sits here at fourth. Still though this is by far the happiest album you’ll hear in this, or probably any other, year. It can’t help but put a hop in your step and make you want to dance, poorly in my case.
3.) The Hold Steady – Boys and Girls in America:
Top Tracks: “Citrus”, “Chips Ahoy!”, “Stuck Between Stations”, “Massive Nights”, “Southtown Girls”.
The Rundown: If it weren’t for Craig Finn’s, The Hold Steady’s front man, voice this would have been my album of the year. It’s not that Finn’s voice is bad, but at best it’s just neutral, neither adding nor subtracting anything from the music and lyrics. Musically this album’s impeccable, sounding like a mixture between Bruce Springsteen and a harder rocking version of the Counting Crows. And while ignorant mo-fos would assume the Counting Crows comparison is a knock, it’s not at all. No one in music writes better hooks then the Counting Crows, whether you like their music or not this is the truth. Lyrically this album is as good as it gets. Finn spends the majority of the record demeaning and degrading America’s youth. On the surface it appears he’s glorifying rampant party, drug use and alcoholism. But in reality he’s showing how destructive and depressing all of the above is. All in all this might be the most accurate and cruel take on American society I’ve ever heard.
2.) Josh Ritter – The Animal Years:
Top Tracks: “Girl in the War”, “Thin Blue Flame”, “Lilian, Egypt”, “One More Mouth”, “Here at the Right Time”.
The Rundown: Going back to the ‘if this album was a sports team’ gimmick, The Animal Years would be the Shaq-Kobe Lakers semi-dynasty. It has two nearly unmatched
Superstars (“Girl in the War” and “Thing Blue Flame”) and a host of gusty, terrific role players. The analogy falls apart a bit with The Animal Years lack of a third epic song, which in those Lakers team case was Big Shot Bob Horry. This is still an amazing album and the duo of “Girl in the War” and “Thin Blue Flame” is practically unmatched in any other record that came out this year. The rest of the album’s songs are all good and enjoyable, but its lack of a third blockbuster, which keeps it from being my album of the year. Still, what Ritter has done here is simply amazing. While his music has shades of folk and alt. country, at his heart Ritter is a singer/songwriter. And as anyone listening to mass amounts of music will tell you: No genre is more pretentious, melodramatic and underwhelming then the singer/songwriter genre. Ritter’s music is personal with out being egocentric; it’s passionate with out being emo. And even his lesser songs have an epic feel to them, or they act as set ups for his truly epic songs. Maybe he’s not a singer/songwriter after all.
1.) Destroyer – Destroyer’s Rubies: (A quick note to those of you who are unfamiliar with Destroyers music. Destroyer is an alias for musician Dan Bejar. Bejar does all the musical arrangements and lyrics and plays most of the instruments himself.)
Top Tracks: Rubies, European Oil, Looters Follies, Your Blood, A Dangerous Woman Up to a Point.
The Rundown: Whenever I try to describe Dan Bejar’s music I draw a blank. He combines elements of musical theatre, rock ‘n roll, psychedelic, classical and chamber pop in his works. It seems familiar while you’re listening to it, but you can’t quite peg it down to any single genre. This is my way of saying that while I know Rubies is the best album of the year (read: my favorite) I can’t really explain why it is. Well it’s not so much that I can’t explain it, it’s just that I wouldn’t be doing it justice. All I can say is that this albums is really, really good. I’m not saying everyone should own it, because it’s not for everyone, but if you like music at all you should at least listen to this album. Truth be told my descriptions probably did all of these bands a bit of injustice. This list is mainly my way of justifying the obscene amount of music I listen to. And really all any list can do is stir up an argument. And I like debating and I like music, so that’s really why I wrote this. Hope you enjoyed it.
Well that’s it for now. Thanks to those of you who actually read this all the way through, I’m sure it wasn’t always easy. Stay tuned next week for my two part series on the best songs of 2006. Or don’t…
Until We Meet Again
* Although I’ve never really cared for Wait’s music as much since he started singing every song as if he were Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster.
** The Albums are: Okkervil River – Black Sheep Boy, Animal Collective – Feels, Antony & The Johnsons – I Am a Bird Now.
*** This is not a reference to the MTV show or the athletic conference.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
I was So Much Older Then; I’m Younger Then Than Now: Random Highlights of 2006
So I’m officially at the point where I’ve shut down for the year. Barring the most ballin’ sh*t ever going down, my posts for the rest of the year will all be dealing with the year that was/still is. Today we’ll start with random highlights (and a few lowlights) from 2006. So enough with the foreplay, let’s get down to business.
Best Sports Moment of ’06:
This one is a three-way tie. (Note: I’ve excluded all World Cup moments because that’s just on a whole other level).
1A. Suns-Lakers, Game 7: As someone who loves sports far too much – and basketball being my favorite sport – for years, the Lakers have been the bane of my existence. I’ve viewed Kobe Bryant, even pre-Colorado incident, as Hitler’s equal. I still hold grudges over their sh*tty role players who’d randomly come through in big games, etc., etc. So watching them blow a 3-1 series lead and the get their a$$es handed to them in Game 7 (by my favorite NBA team no less) was a beautiful, beautiful thing.
1B. Detroit Tigers defeat the New York Yankees in 4 games: I’m not a Tigers fan: In fact, I have a general disdain for all things that come out of Detroit. And while I dislike the Yankees, I don’t go out of my way to root against them anymore. But watching Detroit celebrate this victory was incredible. Watching their fans stay and get sprayed with champagne in 30 degree weather was one of the coolest things I’ve ever witnessed in sports. It’s hard not to be moved when you see a large group of people overjoyed like that, it really is.
1C. University of Arizona defeats Illinois, December 2nd, 2006: If you don’t know why the victory meant so much to me, then you’re probably not a very close friend. The feeling I had after the game was over was incredible (oh, and by the way I was at the game*). It felt like my ex-girlfriend, who had spent the last two years sleeping with my closest friends and family members, had just gained 130 lbs., flunked out of school, been fired from her job, started serving at Hooter’s, and was dating Dave Coulier. Suffice it to say, I’ve rarely felt more vindicated.
Best Game of 2006: Guitar Hero II:
If I had a couple more weeks to play the Wii, then it would probably be here. But at press time, I’ve only played it once, so the amazingly awesome Guitar Hero Duex is here instead. For those of you who haven’t played the game, it’s is pretty much Dance-Dance Revolution, but instead of a pad you have an almost life-size guitar. The guitar has five different colored buttons that you press according to the screen’s commands, while you play a famous rock or metal song. The games immensely fun and also showed me how easily I’m manipulated. When I really get in the zone while playing a song, I half convince myself that I’m actually playing the song on a real guitar. And you know what, I’m completely OK with that.
Worst Musical Trend of ’06:
Surprisingly the musical holocaust that is Fall Out Boy, Panic! At the Disco, My Chemical Romance and the 20+ other bands who sound exactly like them weren’t this years worst musical trend. Instead, at least in my eyes, that honor goes to the multitude of indie bands who came out with CD’s this years trying to sound just like the Arcade Fire. Now I like the Arcade Fire, I’m as pumped for their new record as anyone else, but didn’t the music world learn that everyone trying to sound like one band is never a good thing. Didn’t the tens of thousands of bands who tried to be lite versions of Radiohead and U2 teach us all a valuable lesson? I mean if everyone is constantly ripping off the same band it lessens the original bands music. Personally I see the trend continuing, the only thing that’s up in the air is which band everyone will next try to mimic. I just hope that new bands will take a cue from Annuals, Broken Social Scene and (to a lesser extent) Animal Collective and just put out lighter, more listenable version of “Loveless” by My Bloody Valentine. And yes I realize that maybe the ultimate ‘be careful what you wish for’ statement.
Best Frat Guy Induced laughter of ’06:
This may have been the toughest field to narrow down, but I’m going to go with my gut on this one. In late July, I was up in Denver visiting some friends of mine. After a night of drinking and carousing (I was drinking club soda of course…), we started to walk back to our car from the establishment we’d been frequenting. As we passed hordes of people on our way back, we began yelling “Spring Break!” at the top of our lungs and giving them the ‘hang loose’ sign. As we were doing this, one dude-brah who was wearing a bandana, or as I’ve been told they call them: “ban-dizzle”, replied, “2K6!!!” and then went in for the high five. Needless to say, hilarity ensued.
Most Bad Ass Moment of ’06:
Yet another tie!?!?!
1A: Raja Bell hitting the game-tying 3 pointer with 1.8 seconds left in the first overtime of game 5 in the Suns-Clippers series. After hitting the three, Raja then ran down court yelling either “I told you I’d make that motherf**ker” or “I told you I’m big time motherf**ker.” Either way, it doesn’t get more bad ass then that.
1B: The time I broke out of “The Colony”, a mind-washing assassin training facility, and then teamed up with Dennis Rodman to take down my archenemy and world-renowned terrorist Stavros. Oh wait, that wasn’t me, that was Jean-Claude Van Damme in Double Team. Let’s just move on.
Best Band Name in ’06:
This one easily goes to I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness, whose debut album, “Fear is on Our Side”, came out this year.
Funniest Movie Scene: (Note: At the time of writing this, I’ve yet to see Borat, so this could drastically change).
The Bungee Jump Scene in Jackass 2: I won’t ruin it for those of you who haven’t seen it. But I was laughing and crying so hard at this scene that it took me a few minutes to catch my breath. Seriously, I couldn’t breathe because I was laughing so hard. I was pretty certain I was going die.
Best Concert I went to in 2006:
No contest here.
Andrew Bird at the Rialto: Let me start out by saying that if you want to have a career as a musician, do not go see Mr. Bird live. He will shame you, and just about everyone else making music these days. Bird spends the majority of his time playing and looping multiple instruments, whistling in perfect pitch, singing in a voice so pure you’d swear he was God’s second son, and all the while his lyrics are better and far more clever than everyone else’s. After the show, for which I spent 95% of picking my jaw off the floor because I was in awe of the man’s amazing talent, my brother Luke summed things up perfectly: “If I was a musician, I think I’d go home and blow my brains out, because I’d never even come close to that.” And he was exactly right. Andrew Bird is just playing a different game than everyone else. To put it in simpler terms, I’ll say this: Andrew Bird’s the NBA premier superstar, while everyone else is in the WNBA D-league.***
Best Party of 2006:
The 4th Annual Ugly Christmas Sweater Party (The original, except no imitations): The party hasn’t even happened yet, but I know that something epic will happen at it. For those of you lucky enough to be attending this year’s party, you’re welcome to join me in saying the following prayer/mantra****: Please, oh please, don’t let me be the individual who makes such an a$$ of himself this year that the story of me is relayed all the way up to next year’s party, in which time some one else will f@#$ up and replace me.
Stay tuned in the next few weeks for my Top Songs and Albums list that will be incredibly long and overly pretentious. That’s all for now.
Until We Meet Again
* Thanks Billy
** Circa 2006
*** OK. so that’s an over-exaggeration. But Bird is more musically talented than anyone I’ve ever seen or heard, no joke.
***Whatever your religious preference may be. I don’t discriminate here, unless of course you’re Asian. (It’s a joke, people. I have Asian friends, honest. Ask Aaron if you don’t believe me).
Best Sports Moment of ’06:
This one is a three-way tie. (Note: I’ve excluded all World Cup moments because that’s just on a whole other level).
1A. Suns-Lakers, Game 7: As someone who loves sports far too much – and basketball being my favorite sport – for years, the Lakers have been the bane of my existence. I’ve viewed Kobe Bryant, even pre-Colorado incident, as Hitler’s equal. I still hold grudges over their sh*tty role players who’d randomly come through in big games, etc., etc. So watching them blow a 3-1 series lead and the get their a$$es handed to them in Game 7 (by my favorite NBA team no less) was a beautiful, beautiful thing.
1B. Detroit Tigers defeat the New York Yankees in 4 games: I’m not a Tigers fan: In fact, I have a general disdain for all things that come out of Detroit. And while I dislike the Yankees, I don’t go out of my way to root against them anymore. But watching Detroit celebrate this victory was incredible. Watching their fans stay and get sprayed with champagne in 30 degree weather was one of the coolest things I’ve ever witnessed in sports. It’s hard not to be moved when you see a large group of people overjoyed like that, it really is.
1C. University of Arizona defeats Illinois, December 2nd, 2006: If you don’t know why the victory meant so much to me, then you’re probably not a very close friend. The feeling I had after the game was over was incredible (oh, and by the way I was at the game*). It felt like my ex-girlfriend, who had spent the last two years sleeping with my closest friends and family members, had just gained 130 lbs., flunked out of school, been fired from her job, started serving at Hooter’s, and was dating Dave Coulier. Suffice it to say, I’ve rarely felt more vindicated.
Best Game of 2006: Guitar Hero II:
If I had a couple more weeks to play the Wii, then it would probably be here. But at press time, I’ve only played it once, so the amazingly awesome Guitar Hero Duex is here instead. For those of you who haven’t played the game, it’s is pretty much Dance-Dance Revolution, but instead of a pad you have an almost life-size guitar. The guitar has five different colored buttons that you press according to the screen’s commands, while you play a famous rock or metal song. The games immensely fun and also showed me how easily I’m manipulated. When I really get in the zone while playing a song, I half convince myself that I’m actually playing the song on a real guitar. And you know what, I’m completely OK with that.
Worst Musical Trend of ’06:
Surprisingly the musical holocaust that is Fall Out Boy, Panic! At the Disco, My Chemical Romance and the 20+ other bands who sound exactly like them weren’t this years worst musical trend. Instead, at least in my eyes, that honor goes to the multitude of indie bands who came out with CD’s this years trying to sound just like the Arcade Fire. Now I like the Arcade Fire, I’m as pumped for their new record as anyone else, but didn’t the music world learn that everyone trying to sound like one band is never a good thing. Didn’t the tens of thousands of bands who tried to be lite versions of Radiohead and U2 teach us all a valuable lesson? I mean if everyone is constantly ripping off the same band it lessens the original bands music. Personally I see the trend continuing, the only thing that’s up in the air is which band everyone will next try to mimic. I just hope that new bands will take a cue from Annuals, Broken Social Scene and (to a lesser extent) Animal Collective and just put out lighter, more listenable version of “Loveless” by My Bloody Valentine. And yes I realize that maybe the ultimate ‘be careful what you wish for’ statement.
Best Frat Guy Induced laughter of ’06:
This may have been the toughest field to narrow down, but I’m going to go with my gut on this one. In late July, I was up in Denver visiting some friends of mine. After a night of drinking and carousing (I was drinking club soda of course…), we started to walk back to our car from the establishment we’d been frequenting. As we passed hordes of people on our way back, we began yelling “Spring Break!” at the top of our lungs and giving them the ‘hang loose’ sign. As we were doing this, one dude-brah who was wearing a bandana, or as I’ve been told they call them: “ban-dizzle”, replied, “2K6!!!” and then went in for the high five. Needless to say, hilarity ensued.
Most Bad Ass Moment of ’06:
Yet another tie!?!?!
1A: Raja Bell hitting the game-tying 3 pointer with 1.8 seconds left in the first overtime of game 5 in the Suns-Clippers series. After hitting the three, Raja then ran down court yelling either “I told you I’d make that motherf**ker” or “I told you I’m big time motherf**ker.” Either way, it doesn’t get more bad ass then that.
1B: The time I broke out of “The Colony”, a mind-washing assassin training facility, and then teamed up with Dennis Rodman to take down my archenemy and world-renowned terrorist Stavros. Oh wait, that wasn’t me, that was Jean-Claude Van Damme in Double Team. Let’s just move on.
Best Band Name in ’06:
This one easily goes to I Love You But I’ve Chosen Darkness, whose debut album, “Fear is on Our Side”, came out this year.
Funniest Movie Scene: (Note: At the time of writing this, I’ve yet to see Borat, so this could drastically change).
The Bungee Jump Scene in Jackass 2: I won’t ruin it for those of you who haven’t seen it. But I was laughing and crying so hard at this scene that it took me a few minutes to catch my breath. Seriously, I couldn’t breathe because I was laughing so hard. I was pretty certain I was going die.
Best Concert I went to in 2006:
No contest here.
Andrew Bird at the Rialto: Let me start out by saying that if you want to have a career as a musician, do not go see Mr. Bird live. He will shame you, and just about everyone else making music these days. Bird spends the majority of his time playing and looping multiple instruments, whistling in perfect pitch, singing in a voice so pure you’d swear he was God’s second son, and all the while his lyrics are better and far more clever than everyone else’s. After the show, for which I spent 95% of picking my jaw off the floor because I was in awe of the man’s amazing talent, my brother Luke summed things up perfectly: “If I was a musician, I think I’d go home and blow my brains out, because I’d never even come close to that.” And he was exactly right. Andrew Bird is just playing a different game than everyone else. To put it in simpler terms, I’ll say this: Andrew Bird’s the NBA premier superstar, while everyone else is in the WNBA D-league.***
Best Party of 2006:
The 4th Annual Ugly Christmas Sweater Party (The original, except no imitations): The party hasn’t even happened yet, but I know that something epic will happen at it. For those of you lucky enough to be attending this year’s party, you’re welcome to join me in saying the following prayer/mantra****: Please, oh please, don’t let me be the individual who makes such an a$$ of himself this year that the story of me is relayed all the way up to next year’s party, in which time some one else will f@#$ up and replace me.
Stay tuned in the next few weeks for my Top Songs and Albums list that will be incredibly long and overly pretentious. That’s all for now.
Until We Meet Again
* Thanks Billy
** Circa 2006
*** OK. so that’s an over-exaggeration. But Bird is more musically talented than anyone I’ve ever seen or heard, no joke.
***Whatever your religious preference may be. I don’t discriminate here, unless of course you’re Asian. (It’s a joke, people. I have Asian friends, honest. Ask Aaron if you don’t believe me).
Friday, December 01, 2006
Top 5 List: Current Hot Button Issues in My Life
Since I know you’ve all been lost with out me, I’ve decide to do a quick run down of the current hot button issues in my life. Unlike Top 5 lists in the past, I plan to do this one in descending order, moving from 1 to 5 as opposed to 5 to 1. Well, enough with all the hubbub, let’s get to the List.
1.) Arizona – Illinois Men’s Basketball Game on December 2nd:
I’m not really worried about this game in the traditional sense. Arizona is far more talented than this years Illini squad and should win by 15-20*. What I am worried about is ESPN constantly bringing up what happened the last time these two teams played. I can just see myself sitting in front of the TV watching the game, then late in the second half hearing one of the commentators say, “Well, the Wildcats are in control of this game right now, but we all remember what happen the last time these two played…” which will be followed with a collection of highlights from a game I’ve convinced myself never happen, which will then be followed by be projectile vomiting uncontrollably for at least 3 minutes.
2.) Guitar Hero 2:
For last few months whenever a commercial for Guitar Hero comes on my brother Max and I break in to hour long discussions about how much fun the game is(even though neither of us have ever played it) and how it’s definitely the greatest game of all-time. Well now push has come to shove and I’ll be buying this game in the next 48 hours, and to be honest I’m a nervous wreck about it. I’m fairly certain this game will be a great deal of fun and highly enjoyable, but in my own mind I think I’ve built it up too much. At this point my expectations are way too high, there’s pretty much no way this game can meet them unless it’s as good or better then Super Mario Brothers 3. Suffice to say this impending purchase is leaving me a wee bit leery.
3.) An advanced copy of The Shins new album “Wincing the Night Away”:
A little over a week ago I received a package in the mail which had no return address and was post marked from Spokane, Washington. Inside the package was a blank CD and letter from (supposedly) Shins Front man James Russell Mercer. The letter stated that they enjoyed my blog and wanted to give me an advance copy of their CD to review. Now I’m not mentioning this to toot my own horn because I’m really not sure whether this is legit or a hoax. I don’t know anyone from Spokane, in fact the only person I know in the entire Pacific Northwest lives in Portland and they’re not nearly clever enough to pull off this elaborate of a prank. Either way though it’s pretty awesome. If The Shins actually sent me an advance copy of their CD then great. And for the record the blank CD is a full version of their new album I know this because the version that has already leaked on the internet contains several songs that skip repeatedly. If someone actually took the time and way too much effort to prank me, then that’s pretty damn funny and I’m more then ok with it. Either way I ended up with an advance copy of the new Shins album** and a pretty great story, whatever the case maybe
4.) Are Annuals an Emo band?:
For those of you haven’t heard of Annuals (that’s right there’s no ‘the’ in front) you should probably check out their debut album “Be He Me”, which sounds like a hybrid of Animal Collective and Broken Social Scene with a couple other great influences mixed in. But at times when I listen to this album I get the sinking suspicion that they might be an Emo Band. The lyrics are more off-beat then Emo and while there music is grandiose and sweeping, it’s trying harder to set atmosphere then mood. So why do I think they’re an Emo Band? Well it all starts and ends with the 4th song on their album, Carry Around. At the beginning of this song Annuals’ front man Adam Baker sounds like a dead ringer for uber bitch Conor Oberst. It’s only one part of one song, but it warrants mentioning. It’s almost as if Baker thought “Well we’ve got a good album here, but just in case we no real label picks us up I’ll yelp like a b*tch in this song and Saddle Creek will be sure to sign us.” Actually I think I just convinced myself that was the line of thinking involved here. I feel much better, let’s move on.
5.) Making time to read my boy Randy’s blog:
My old friend Randy has returned to the blogging world after a brief hiatus and quite frankly I’m ecstatic. I don’t want to trivialize his blog by talking about it, but let me just say this sh*t is epic. Epic. Check him out here: blog.myspace.com/r4z0r_bl4d3
Other’s receiving votes: Christmas Presents, What Should I get? (12); Who’s more out of place in Green Day & U2’s joint rendition of “When the Saints Go Marching In” (8); The Phoenix Suns constantly losing big leads: Are they trying to give me an ulcer? (6); Who is that beautiful brown man who narrates Heroes? (3); Why does my dad question my sexuality? (1½)
Well that’s it for now. Come back next week when I may or may not post something awesome.
Until We Meet Again
* Of course it’s a U of A specialty to play down to your opponents’ level so I wouldn’t be terribly shocked if we lost this, or for that matter any, game.** And yes Garden State fans in case you’re wondering; this album will change your life
1.) Arizona – Illinois Men’s Basketball Game on December 2nd:
I’m not really worried about this game in the traditional sense. Arizona is far more talented than this years Illini squad and should win by 15-20*. What I am worried about is ESPN constantly bringing up what happened the last time these two teams played. I can just see myself sitting in front of the TV watching the game, then late in the second half hearing one of the commentators say, “Well, the Wildcats are in control of this game right now, but we all remember what happen the last time these two played…” which will be followed with a collection of highlights from a game I’ve convinced myself never happen, which will then be followed by be projectile vomiting uncontrollably for at least 3 minutes.
2.) Guitar Hero 2:
For last few months whenever a commercial for Guitar Hero comes on my brother Max and I break in to hour long discussions about how much fun the game is(even though neither of us have ever played it) and how it’s definitely the greatest game of all-time. Well now push has come to shove and I’ll be buying this game in the next 48 hours, and to be honest I’m a nervous wreck about it. I’m fairly certain this game will be a great deal of fun and highly enjoyable, but in my own mind I think I’ve built it up too much. At this point my expectations are way too high, there’s pretty much no way this game can meet them unless it’s as good or better then Super Mario Brothers 3. Suffice to say this impending purchase is leaving me a wee bit leery.
3.) An advanced copy of The Shins new album “Wincing the Night Away”:
A little over a week ago I received a package in the mail which had no return address and was post marked from Spokane, Washington. Inside the package was a blank CD and letter from (supposedly) Shins Front man James Russell Mercer. The letter stated that they enjoyed my blog and wanted to give me an advance copy of their CD to review. Now I’m not mentioning this to toot my own horn because I’m really not sure whether this is legit or a hoax. I don’t know anyone from Spokane, in fact the only person I know in the entire Pacific Northwest lives in Portland and they’re not nearly clever enough to pull off this elaborate of a prank. Either way though it’s pretty awesome. If The Shins actually sent me an advance copy of their CD then great. And for the record the blank CD is a full version of their new album I know this because the version that has already leaked on the internet contains several songs that skip repeatedly. If someone actually took the time and way too much effort to prank me, then that’s pretty damn funny and I’m more then ok with it. Either way I ended up with an advance copy of the new Shins album** and a pretty great story, whatever the case maybe
4.) Are Annuals an Emo band?:
For those of you haven’t heard of Annuals (that’s right there’s no ‘the’ in front) you should probably check out their debut album “Be He Me”, which sounds like a hybrid of Animal Collective and Broken Social Scene with a couple other great influences mixed in. But at times when I listen to this album I get the sinking suspicion that they might be an Emo Band. The lyrics are more off-beat then Emo and while there music is grandiose and sweeping, it’s trying harder to set atmosphere then mood. So why do I think they’re an Emo Band? Well it all starts and ends with the 4th song on their album, Carry Around. At the beginning of this song Annuals’ front man Adam Baker sounds like a dead ringer for uber bitch Conor Oberst. It’s only one part of one song, but it warrants mentioning. It’s almost as if Baker thought “Well we’ve got a good album here, but just in case we no real label picks us up I’ll yelp like a b*tch in this song and Saddle Creek will be sure to sign us.” Actually I think I just convinced myself that was the line of thinking involved here. I feel much better, let’s move on.
5.) Making time to read my boy Randy’s blog:
My old friend Randy has returned to the blogging world after a brief hiatus and quite frankly I’m ecstatic. I don’t want to trivialize his blog by talking about it, but let me just say this sh*t is epic. Epic. Check him out here: blog.myspace.com/r4z0r_bl4d3
Other’s receiving votes: Christmas Presents, What Should I get? (12); Who’s more out of place in Green Day & U2’s joint rendition of “When the Saints Go Marching In” (8); The Phoenix Suns constantly losing big leads: Are they trying to give me an ulcer? (6); Who is that beautiful brown man who narrates Heroes? (3); Why does my dad question my sexuality? (1½)
Well that’s it for now. Come back next week when I may or may not post something awesome.
Until We Meet Again
* Of course it’s a U of A specialty to play down to your opponents’ level so I wouldn’t be terribly shocked if we lost this, or for that matter any, game.** And yes Garden State fans in case you’re wondering; this album will change your life
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Musical Q+A
So I’m writing this while I’m at work and about to pass out from exhaustion, so I need to apologize if this reads like the ramblings of a drunken man. Now that that’s out of the way, today I’m going to be answering your questions about music. HURRAY!?!?!!?!? And while they all may not be real questions (it’s about an 80/20 split), you’d ask them if you knew how or had any courage. Let’s get it started.
Q: So every time one of Paris Hilton’s singles comes on, I not only don’t change the station, but I start taping my foot and eventually singing along to it. I feel terrible about all this. It feels as if my soul is dying. What should I do?
- Adam S., Los Angeles
A: I think I can help you out here, except for the fact that Paris’s whole record is ridiculously good. For those of you who haven’t heard – don’t judge and keep in mind that absolutely none of the album’s strong points have anything to do with Hilton, except for the money she spent on producer Scott Storch. This is pretty much the perfect pop album, with shades of Kelly Clarkson’s Breakaway*. While Hilton’s voice is more produced than the one’s you’d find on a Zoog Disney musical, it in no way takes away from these great pop songs. Nor does the fact that Hilton is one of the most repulsive human beings currently alive. The album is just really, really, really well done. And in case you’re wondering, the answers yes – it nearly kills me every day that I like this album.
Q: Hey bro, WTF is up with Badly Drawn Boy? His new album blew! I mean Pitchforkmedia.com (a.k.a The Bible) gave it only a 2.8 out of 10! Where has the BDB of his two (or at least 1 ½ ) pop masterpieces gone? In related news, the Grizzly Bears record might be the best Post-Rock album I’ve heard in the last 5 years.
– Max Michael, My Parents House.
A: Um, thanks for the update, I guess. Anyhow, about the new BDB, yes it was a disappointment. But it wasn’t the train wreck most have portrayed it to be. For the most part, the album is just pleasant, ignorable chamber pop. It has some great highlights, esp. “The Time of Times,” which steals its main rift and cord progression from BDB’s “The Shinning”**. While I’m as mad as anyone that BDB is over-producing his songs and trying way too hard to make them grandiose, talk of his decline has been greatly exaggerated. He still has a few great songs per album, while never coming close to his early work. In a way, he’s the British Ryan Adams. His decline just isn’t as Weezer-esque as critics are panning it to be.
Q: So while this has been a decent year for music, I’m already pumped for ’07 with new albums from Modest Mouse, The Shins, Andrew Bird and The Arcade Fire. Any suggestions of what I should listen to while biding my time waiting for the above-mention releases? Thanks.
– CBP, T-Town.
A: I share your sentiments, friend, and here are my suggestions. For Modest Mouse, pick up The Figurine’s album Skeleton. I will say that the comparison isn’t really fair to The Figurines, considering their biggest influence is probably The Flaming Lips. There’s also shades of Hawksley Workman in there as well. All in all, this is just a terrific album. For The Shins pick up the Kite Flying Society’s debut album. The KFS are very solid, yet rarely spectacular. They do a very suitable job of putting out the Lo-Fi pop that The Shins have mastered. As for The Arcade Fire, well, it seems like every new indie band is basically trying to cover The Funeral, so your options are plentiful. No one of theses albums is good from top to bottom, so I’ll just recommend a few songs: “We Used to Vacation” and “Hospital Beds” by Cold War Kids. Also try “The Funeral” and “St. Augustine” by the Band of Horses. And as for Andrew Bird…well, just listen to his old CD’s. ‘Cause truth be told, Andrew’s playing a different game then everyone else.
Q: So what are you listening to these days?
– Claire.
A: Well, current CDs getting heavy rotation in my life are Patrick Park – Loneliness Knows My Name, Okkervil River – Black Sheep Boy, Ben Kweller – Ben Kweller, Willie Nelson – Songbird, and Mewithoutyou – Brothers, Sisters.
Q: So there is this interview with Panic! at the Disco in the new NME magazine. In this interview, they declared two things. First, “emo is blullsh*t,” and second, “We are the next Radiohead.” Your thoughts?
–Marko, Denver.
A: I felt like I needed to end with this particular question. I’m not sure what exactly should be my reaction to PAD’s*** quotes should be. I can’t decide whether I should be overjoyed by the humor of their ignorance or infuriated by it. The first thing that I have to say is that if your goal is to be the next Radiohead, you might not want to start out as a cover band for someone as sh*tty as Fallout Boy. Secondly, I find it sort of ironic that Emo has become the new glam metal. No band wants to be branded with the label of Emo. I mean, PAD is a lot of things, mainly sh*tty and obnoxious, but the one thing they are more than anything else is Emo. Maybe the band is saying that they are, in fact, bull sh*t. If that’s the case, then maybe I should ignore their ridiculous quote. But I doubt that’s the case. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go prepare for the Rapture as PAD’s stupidity has convinced me it’s coming at any moment.
Until We Meet Again.
* Another great mainstream pop-rock album. In related news, after admitting to like both these albums, I will henceforth be snubbed by all hipsters at future shows at Solar Culture and the Rialto.
** Seriously it does. Listen to both closely.
*** I’ve never been a fan of people abbreviating band’s names, especially sh*tty ones. But I have to do it here because I’m lazy and don’t want to type it out every time.
Q: So every time one of Paris Hilton’s singles comes on, I not only don’t change the station, but I start taping my foot and eventually singing along to it. I feel terrible about all this. It feels as if my soul is dying. What should I do?
- Adam S., Los Angeles
A: I think I can help you out here, except for the fact that Paris’s whole record is ridiculously good. For those of you who haven’t heard – don’t judge and keep in mind that absolutely none of the album’s strong points have anything to do with Hilton, except for the money she spent on producer Scott Storch. This is pretty much the perfect pop album, with shades of Kelly Clarkson’s Breakaway*. While Hilton’s voice is more produced than the one’s you’d find on a Zoog Disney musical, it in no way takes away from these great pop songs. Nor does the fact that Hilton is one of the most repulsive human beings currently alive. The album is just really, really, really well done. And in case you’re wondering, the answers yes – it nearly kills me every day that I like this album.
Q: Hey bro, WTF is up with Badly Drawn Boy? His new album blew! I mean Pitchforkmedia.com (a.k.a The Bible) gave it only a 2.8 out of 10! Where has the BDB of his two (or at least 1 ½ ) pop masterpieces gone? In related news, the Grizzly Bears record might be the best Post-Rock album I’ve heard in the last 5 years.
– Max Michael, My Parents House.
A: Um, thanks for the update, I guess. Anyhow, about the new BDB, yes it was a disappointment. But it wasn’t the train wreck most have portrayed it to be. For the most part, the album is just pleasant, ignorable chamber pop. It has some great highlights, esp. “The Time of Times,” which steals its main rift and cord progression from BDB’s “The Shinning”**. While I’m as mad as anyone that BDB is over-producing his songs and trying way too hard to make them grandiose, talk of his decline has been greatly exaggerated. He still has a few great songs per album, while never coming close to his early work. In a way, he’s the British Ryan Adams. His decline just isn’t as Weezer-esque as critics are panning it to be.
Q: So while this has been a decent year for music, I’m already pumped for ’07 with new albums from Modest Mouse, The Shins, Andrew Bird and The Arcade Fire. Any suggestions of what I should listen to while biding my time waiting for the above-mention releases? Thanks.
– CBP, T-Town.
A: I share your sentiments, friend, and here are my suggestions. For Modest Mouse, pick up The Figurine’s album Skeleton. I will say that the comparison isn’t really fair to The Figurines, considering their biggest influence is probably The Flaming Lips. There’s also shades of Hawksley Workman in there as well. All in all, this is just a terrific album. For The Shins pick up the Kite Flying Society’s debut album. The KFS are very solid, yet rarely spectacular. They do a very suitable job of putting out the Lo-Fi pop that The Shins have mastered. As for The Arcade Fire, well, it seems like every new indie band is basically trying to cover The Funeral, so your options are plentiful. No one of theses albums is good from top to bottom, so I’ll just recommend a few songs: “We Used to Vacation” and “Hospital Beds” by Cold War Kids. Also try “The Funeral” and “St. Augustine” by the Band of Horses. And as for Andrew Bird…well, just listen to his old CD’s. ‘Cause truth be told, Andrew’s playing a different game then everyone else.
Q: So what are you listening to these days?
– Claire.
A: Well, current CDs getting heavy rotation in my life are Patrick Park – Loneliness Knows My Name, Okkervil River – Black Sheep Boy, Ben Kweller – Ben Kweller, Willie Nelson – Songbird, and Mewithoutyou – Brothers, Sisters.
Q: So there is this interview with Panic! at the Disco in the new NME magazine. In this interview, they declared two things. First, “emo is blullsh*t,” and second, “We are the next Radiohead.” Your thoughts?
–Marko, Denver.
A: I felt like I needed to end with this particular question. I’m not sure what exactly should be my reaction to PAD’s*** quotes should be. I can’t decide whether I should be overjoyed by the humor of their ignorance or infuriated by it. The first thing that I have to say is that if your goal is to be the next Radiohead, you might not want to start out as a cover band for someone as sh*tty as Fallout Boy. Secondly, I find it sort of ironic that Emo has become the new glam metal. No band wants to be branded with the label of Emo. I mean, PAD is a lot of things, mainly sh*tty and obnoxious, but the one thing they are more than anything else is Emo. Maybe the band is saying that they are, in fact, bull sh*t. If that’s the case, then maybe I should ignore their ridiculous quote. But I doubt that’s the case. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go prepare for the Rapture as PAD’s stupidity has convinced me it’s coming at any moment.
Until We Meet Again.
* Another great mainstream pop-rock album. In related news, after admitting to like both these albums, I will henceforth be snubbed by all hipsters at future shows at Solar Culture and the Rialto.
** Seriously it does. Listen to both closely.
*** I’ve never been a fan of people abbreviating band’s names, especially sh*tty ones. But I have to do it here because I’m lazy and don’t want to type it out every time.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
NBA '06-'07 Season Preview
(Note: This is purely a sports post. So you artsy types might want to steer clear and go read the New Yorker.)
Despite my uber busy schedule I’ve taken so time out to give all of you a quick NBA preview. I want to keep this brief so I’m only going to have 2-3 sentences per team, with few if any exceptions. I’ll be ranking the teams in each conference from top to bottom. These rankings are more like a power poll or college top 25, what with the NBA’s goofy premise of giving division winners a top 4 seed my rankings will not correlate with the playoff seeding. I plan on making this a quick read so let’s get to it.
West
1. San Antonio Spurs – With every mag and websites previews touting the merits of small ball the team with the best big man will hoist the Larry O’Brien trophy at the end of the year.
2. Phoenix Suns – Just enough talent to win it all. And just enough question marks and lack of a closers mentality to break my heart.
3. Dallas Mavericks – Had their best chance last year and blew it. Still if they can avoid the Spurs or Suns ‘til the conference finals they have a legit shot to win it all.
4. LA Clippers – With a healthy Corry Maggette and a maturing Shaun Livingston the Clips will be even better then last year. That said they’ll be lucky to make it back to the second round.
5. Houston Rockets – If they stay healthy and Van Gundy loosens up the reigns this will be the team no one wants to play come April
6. Sacramento Kings – If Ron Artest behaves they’re my sleeper team out West. That said Artest is about as stable as Courtney Love. Either way I’d want to stay clear of this team.
7. Denver Nuggets – Carmelo Anthony looked like a world-beater this summer (no pun intended). They still need anyone who can shoot and they drastically over-paided for Nene. But if they can get 65+ games from Marcus Camby though they’ll have enough to sneak into the playoffs.
8. Utah Jazz – They have one of the best coaches in the business and arguably the most talented front court in basketball. If they can stay healthy they’re a guaranteed playoff team. They still need a shooter and a consistent perimeter scorer before they become a true contender.
9. LA Lakers – Last year I was certain Kobe and Phil didn’t have enough to make the playoffs and I feel the exact same this year. So in other words they’re all but a lock to make it.
10. Minnesota Timberwolves – KG’s last year as a T-Wolf. And no, it won’t be pretty.
11. New Orleans Hornets – Foolishly over spent this summer and got rid of J.R. Smith, whose potential is unreal. They’ll be competitive at first and then flame out towards the end of the year.
12. Golden State Warriors – As owners of a 12 year playoff drought Warriors fans wondered aloud for years as to whether or not their coach was drunk. Don Nelson returns to the bench this year to answer that question with a resounding yes.
13. Seattle Super Sonics – This might just be the worst defensive team in the league. They’ll try to win games as if they were a mid-major during March Madness: my hoisting an ungodly amount of 3’s. And with Ray Allen and Rashard Lewis they just might be able to win a few games that way.
14. Memphis Grizzles – For the last two years when the playoffs rolled around I always wonder how the hell Memphis makes it. Now with their two best players are either injured or traded and I feel certain they’ll plummet. I mean honestly how the hell is this team going to score any points? On a completely unrelated note, be on the look out for Mike Miller’s new look this year. He looks like either a chick or a Christian alt-rocker, depending on your state of mind.
15. Portland Trailblazers – Brandon Roy will be the lone bright spot on a team that will be one of the worst in NBA history.
East
1. Cleveland Cavilers – Call me crazy, but I’m just not sold on any other team in the East. Chicago looked great on opening night, but I seriously doubt they’ll be able to score effectively all season. Miami will sleep walk through 9/10 of the regular season, Detroit feel apart last post-season and then lost their team leader. So I’m going with the team that has the best player in basketball to take the east.
2. Chicago Bulls – A team that is tailor made to beat Miami. However they could have trouble scoring against teams that are actually awake for their games.
3. Detroit Pistons – The most obnoxious team in the league can finally feel disrespected again!?!?!? They’ll be better offensively without Wallace, but will sorely miss him against any team that has a decent big man.
4. Miami Heat – The defending champs will be on cruise control until the playoffs. I struggle to see the Heat getting by the Bulls or Cavs, but even if they do whichever team comes out of the West won’t choke away the title this year. Also I hear Pat Riely is replacing last years theme of “15 Strong” with Modest Mouse’s song “Sleepwalking”. All joking aside sleepwalking would be a vast improvement over what happened on opening night.
5. New Jersey Nets – Still a solid big man away from seriously contending. They should trade Vinsanity or RJ (and a couple of draft picks) for KG.
6. Washington Wizards - Before they can make the jump to the elite they need a decent big man and Gilbert needs to learn to set up as team mates and have better shot selection.
7. Orlando Magic – I’d feel a lot better about the Magic’s season if they’d drafted Ronney Brewer over J.J. Redick. While Reddick is a great (yet vastly overrated) shooter, there’s no possible way you can play him and Jameer Nelson at the same time and hope to guard anyone. That said they’ll still make the layoffs as long as their bigs stay healthy. Don’t hold me to it but I feel pretty strongly Dwight Howard’s going average 20 and 13 this year.
8. Indiana Pacers – All signs point to another train wreck season for the Pacers. But I can’t count Rick Carlise out.
9. Boston Celtics – Danny Ainge seems to be stock piling talent in order to make a run at another superstar to put along side Paul Pierce. They have more young talent then any other team in the league, by a whole lot. Whether or not they can develop any of it is another story. This team will be the most sporadic in the NBA.
10. Milwaukee Bucks – They have one of the games best shooters in Michael Redd and a very young, but talented front court. Unfortunately for them the only player on their roster who can create shots for other people is Andrew Bogut.
11. Philadelphia 76ers – No depth + aging superstar + Karl Malone Jr.(Chris Webber)* on one leg + Only one player who plays defense (the other AI) = No Playoffs for the second straight year.
12. Toronto Raptors – Bryan Calegelo will have this team in the playoffs in 3 years.
13. New York Knicks – Too much drama, not enough chemistry, not a single player on the roster who can create a shot for someone other than himself, the worst gm of all-time who doubles as an underachieving head coach and a bloated pay-roll. I think it’s safe to say the Knicks are a Katrina-level disaster.
14. Charlotte Bobcats – Does anyone else feel another MJ comeback coming on?
15. Atlanta Hawks – Not much too say here, just a really bad team. Speedy Claxton is not the answer at point, he’s a decent change of pace back up at best. Marvin Williams would have been my pick to have a break out year, but now he’s on the shelf for two months. Free Salim.
Playoffs:
1st Round Winners: Spurs, Suns, Mavericks, Rockets. Cavs, Heat, Bulls and Pistons.
2nd Round: Spurs, Suns, Cavs and Bulls
Confrence Finals: Spurs and Cavs
Finals: Spurs over Cavs
MVP: Lebron James
Coach of the Year: Jeff Van Gundy
Rookie of the Year: Brandon Roy, Adam Morrison
Until We Meet Again
* That’s my clever way of saying C-Webb’s unclutch.
Despite my uber busy schedule I’ve taken so time out to give all of you a quick NBA preview. I want to keep this brief so I’m only going to have 2-3 sentences per team, with few if any exceptions. I’ll be ranking the teams in each conference from top to bottom. These rankings are more like a power poll or college top 25, what with the NBA’s goofy premise of giving division winners a top 4 seed my rankings will not correlate with the playoff seeding. I plan on making this a quick read so let’s get to it.
West
1. San Antonio Spurs – With every mag and websites previews touting the merits of small ball the team with the best big man will hoist the Larry O’Brien trophy at the end of the year.
2. Phoenix Suns – Just enough talent to win it all. And just enough question marks and lack of a closers mentality to break my heart.
3. Dallas Mavericks – Had their best chance last year and blew it. Still if they can avoid the Spurs or Suns ‘til the conference finals they have a legit shot to win it all.
4. LA Clippers – With a healthy Corry Maggette and a maturing Shaun Livingston the Clips will be even better then last year. That said they’ll be lucky to make it back to the second round.
5. Houston Rockets – If they stay healthy and Van Gundy loosens up the reigns this will be the team no one wants to play come April
6. Sacramento Kings – If Ron Artest behaves they’re my sleeper team out West. That said Artest is about as stable as Courtney Love. Either way I’d want to stay clear of this team.
7. Denver Nuggets – Carmelo Anthony looked like a world-beater this summer (no pun intended). They still need anyone who can shoot and they drastically over-paided for Nene. But if they can get 65+ games from Marcus Camby though they’ll have enough to sneak into the playoffs.
8. Utah Jazz – They have one of the best coaches in the business and arguably the most talented front court in basketball. If they can stay healthy they’re a guaranteed playoff team. They still need a shooter and a consistent perimeter scorer before they become a true contender.
9. LA Lakers – Last year I was certain Kobe and Phil didn’t have enough to make the playoffs and I feel the exact same this year. So in other words they’re all but a lock to make it.
10. Minnesota Timberwolves – KG’s last year as a T-Wolf. And no, it won’t be pretty.
11. New Orleans Hornets – Foolishly over spent this summer and got rid of J.R. Smith, whose potential is unreal. They’ll be competitive at first and then flame out towards the end of the year.
12. Golden State Warriors – As owners of a 12 year playoff drought Warriors fans wondered aloud for years as to whether or not their coach was drunk. Don Nelson returns to the bench this year to answer that question with a resounding yes.
13. Seattle Super Sonics – This might just be the worst defensive team in the league. They’ll try to win games as if they were a mid-major during March Madness: my hoisting an ungodly amount of 3’s. And with Ray Allen and Rashard Lewis they just might be able to win a few games that way.
14. Memphis Grizzles – For the last two years when the playoffs rolled around I always wonder how the hell Memphis makes it. Now with their two best players are either injured or traded and I feel certain they’ll plummet. I mean honestly how the hell is this team going to score any points? On a completely unrelated note, be on the look out for Mike Miller’s new look this year. He looks like either a chick or a Christian alt-rocker, depending on your state of mind.
15. Portland Trailblazers – Brandon Roy will be the lone bright spot on a team that will be one of the worst in NBA history.
East
1. Cleveland Cavilers – Call me crazy, but I’m just not sold on any other team in the East. Chicago looked great on opening night, but I seriously doubt they’ll be able to score effectively all season. Miami will sleep walk through 9/10 of the regular season, Detroit feel apart last post-season and then lost their team leader. So I’m going with the team that has the best player in basketball to take the east.
2. Chicago Bulls – A team that is tailor made to beat Miami. However they could have trouble scoring against teams that are actually awake for their games.
3. Detroit Pistons – The most obnoxious team in the league can finally feel disrespected again!?!?!? They’ll be better offensively without Wallace, but will sorely miss him against any team that has a decent big man.
4. Miami Heat – The defending champs will be on cruise control until the playoffs. I struggle to see the Heat getting by the Bulls or Cavs, but even if they do whichever team comes out of the West won’t choke away the title this year. Also I hear Pat Riely is replacing last years theme of “15 Strong” with Modest Mouse’s song “Sleepwalking”. All joking aside sleepwalking would be a vast improvement over what happened on opening night.
5. New Jersey Nets – Still a solid big man away from seriously contending. They should trade Vinsanity or RJ (and a couple of draft picks) for KG.
6. Washington Wizards - Before they can make the jump to the elite they need a decent big man and Gilbert needs to learn to set up as team mates and have better shot selection.
7. Orlando Magic – I’d feel a lot better about the Magic’s season if they’d drafted Ronney Brewer over J.J. Redick. While Reddick is a great (yet vastly overrated) shooter, there’s no possible way you can play him and Jameer Nelson at the same time and hope to guard anyone. That said they’ll still make the layoffs as long as their bigs stay healthy. Don’t hold me to it but I feel pretty strongly Dwight Howard’s going average 20 and 13 this year.
8. Indiana Pacers – All signs point to another train wreck season for the Pacers. But I can’t count Rick Carlise out.
9. Boston Celtics – Danny Ainge seems to be stock piling talent in order to make a run at another superstar to put along side Paul Pierce. They have more young talent then any other team in the league, by a whole lot. Whether or not they can develop any of it is another story. This team will be the most sporadic in the NBA.
10. Milwaukee Bucks – They have one of the games best shooters in Michael Redd and a very young, but talented front court. Unfortunately for them the only player on their roster who can create shots for other people is Andrew Bogut.
11. Philadelphia 76ers – No depth + aging superstar + Karl Malone Jr.(Chris Webber)* on one leg + Only one player who plays defense (the other AI) = No Playoffs for the second straight year.
12. Toronto Raptors – Bryan Calegelo will have this team in the playoffs in 3 years.
13. New York Knicks – Too much drama, not enough chemistry, not a single player on the roster who can create a shot for someone other than himself, the worst gm of all-time who doubles as an underachieving head coach and a bloated pay-roll. I think it’s safe to say the Knicks are a Katrina-level disaster.
14. Charlotte Bobcats – Does anyone else feel another MJ comeback coming on?
15. Atlanta Hawks – Not much too say here, just a really bad team. Speedy Claxton is not the answer at point, he’s a decent change of pace back up at best. Marvin Williams would have been my pick to have a break out year, but now he’s on the shelf for two months. Free Salim.
Playoffs:
1st Round Winners: Spurs, Suns, Mavericks, Rockets. Cavs, Heat, Bulls and Pistons.
2nd Round: Spurs, Suns, Cavs and Bulls
Confrence Finals: Spurs and Cavs
Finals: Spurs over Cavs
MVP: Lebron James
Coach of the Year: Jeff Van Gundy
Rookie of the Year: Brandon Roy, Adam Morrison
Until We Meet Again
* That’s my clever way of saying C-Webb’s unclutch.
Friday, October 27, 2006
“Hey Slow Down… I’m a pretentious jackass!”
Before we get to today’s post, there’s something I need to get off my chest. I read an anecdote in the USA Today’s sports page about this week’s college football game between Georgia and Florida. For years, this game has been dubbed “The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.” But this past year, both schools’ presidents said they didn’t want any sports writers or TV announcers referring to this game by that title, because they believe it gives off the impression that the game’s tailgating party is just one giant booze-fest. They also believe this title influences people to become inebriated. Instead of pointing out the absurdity of all of this, I’m instead going to make a similar demand. I want people to stop calling my blog “shitty” or my writing “half-assed” and “more or less plagiarizing.” Because you know what, it just gives people the wrong impression of what I’m all about.* Now on to today’s entry.
As anyone who knows me can attest to, I’m a horrible driver. I drive way to fast, I constantly try to do the “Toyko Drift”, or at least I think I do. I’m not really sure what the hell that is. Anyhow I’m the worst driver when I’m going to work. This is probably because I hate my job, so I’m in a foul mood on my way to work. Another factor would be that I work 30 minutes from my house and generally don’t leave until 15 minutes before my shift starts. So generally I’m driving out of my neighborhood at about 35-40 mph (and for anyone who hasn’t been to my house trust me when I say it takes awhile to get out of my neighborhood).
So the other day on my way to work, I was speeding in my neighborhood and took a wide turn to accommodate for my speed. Luckily for me, I’ve gotten used to my reckless driving, so I can now control it. Needless to say, I stayed in my lane (for the most part) and then waved to a middle-aged couple who was out walking. As I drove by this couple, the woman stopped walking, turned towards my car, clinched her fists, and yelled, “Hey, slow down!” As I drove off, a thought came to me: “What kind of person yells out to a total stranger, when said stranger isn’t really doing anything wrong?”
Was I speeding? A little, yes. I was at 30 mph at the time. Now I’m not about to condone anyone taking turns in a neighborhood at 30 mph, or for that matter anyone driving like me. That said, I was completely in control of my car, drifted at the most a foot and a half out of my lane, and didn’t even come close to hitting anyone or anything. I should also mention that it was 9:40 PM, so there weren’t a lot of cars, people, or anything out and about.
So why on earth did this woman think it was her right to try and be my conscience? Was she a high ranking officer in the Moral Police Department? I may never know. But either way, it got me thinking about the type of person who tells a total stranger to slow down. I mean, what type of person does that? I’ll tell you what kind, a pretentious jackass. I will now, for everyone’s benefit, dissect the psyche of the man or (most likely) woman** who yells at strangers to slow down. Here’s a list of things this person might do or say:
· Says “I’m not religious – I’m spiritual.”
· Loved The Da Vinci Code book(s).
· Refers to himself in the third person. But not by his actual name, but by some gay-ass nickname (i.e. “The Robster was on fire last night.”)
· Makes mix CDs for his significant other with songs by James Blunt and Maroon 5 on it.
· Broke up with someone because a Cosmopolitan quiz convinced her/him that they weren’t compatible.
· Favorite sports teams are: Miami Heat, Pittsburg Steelers, Duke Blue Devils, Detroit Tigers, or St. Louis Cardinals.
· Talks about how he can relate to Tom Cruise’s character in Magnolia because of his relationship with his own father.
· Reads Star Magazine and US Weekly religiously.
· Has someone buy them a hat of a hot playoff team.
· Has read all the Ya Ya Sisterhood books
· Emphasized with Jennifer Aniston after Brad broke up with her
· Says “Oh, I only smoke when I drink,” or “I’m just a social smoker,” after he smokes half of your pack.
· Thinks the characters in Lost are “really deep and well rounded. And furthermore, those back stories about redemption aren’t redundant at all.”
· Still thinks Jerry McGuire and Weakest Link references are cool.
· Throws fake punches at you for a greeting.
· Takes part in a war protest because “It’s the right think to do and it’ll really make a difference.”***
· Votes for Arizona to ban smoking in bars and restaurants.****
· Reads Ann H. Coulter or Arianna Huffington.
· Starts sentences with ‘This one time at band camp…’ because it’s so funny and original.
· Says “I’m just a big kid trapped in an adults body” and then giggles.
Well that’s about it. Feel free to add your own.
Until We Meet Again,
* I apologize for that rant; I’ve clearly been reading too much DJ Gallo as of late. If anyone actually wants to read the story I’m referring to you can find it here: www.ajc.com/sports/content/sports/uga/stories/2006/10/23/1024cocktail.html
** Not trying to be sexist, but men under the age of 45 don’t really care how fast another car they’re not in is driving.
*** Not trying to offend anyone, or even be political, but have the war protests actually done anything? I mean, anything at all?
**** Restaurants I can understand. But bars? It’s a place people go to drown their sorrows and destroy their kidneys. Do they really need fresh air while doing this?
As anyone who knows me can attest to, I’m a horrible driver. I drive way to fast, I constantly try to do the “Toyko Drift”, or at least I think I do. I’m not really sure what the hell that is. Anyhow I’m the worst driver when I’m going to work. This is probably because I hate my job, so I’m in a foul mood on my way to work. Another factor would be that I work 30 minutes from my house and generally don’t leave until 15 minutes before my shift starts. So generally I’m driving out of my neighborhood at about 35-40 mph (and for anyone who hasn’t been to my house trust me when I say it takes awhile to get out of my neighborhood).
So the other day on my way to work, I was speeding in my neighborhood and took a wide turn to accommodate for my speed. Luckily for me, I’ve gotten used to my reckless driving, so I can now control it. Needless to say, I stayed in my lane (for the most part) and then waved to a middle-aged couple who was out walking. As I drove by this couple, the woman stopped walking, turned towards my car, clinched her fists, and yelled, “Hey, slow down!” As I drove off, a thought came to me: “What kind of person yells out to a total stranger, when said stranger isn’t really doing anything wrong?”
Was I speeding? A little, yes. I was at 30 mph at the time. Now I’m not about to condone anyone taking turns in a neighborhood at 30 mph, or for that matter anyone driving like me. That said, I was completely in control of my car, drifted at the most a foot and a half out of my lane, and didn’t even come close to hitting anyone or anything. I should also mention that it was 9:40 PM, so there weren’t a lot of cars, people, or anything out and about.
So why on earth did this woman think it was her right to try and be my conscience? Was she a high ranking officer in the Moral Police Department? I may never know. But either way, it got me thinking about the type of person who tells a total stranger to slow down. I mean, what type of person does that? I’ll tell you what kind, a pretentious jackass. I will now, for everyone’s benefit, dissect the psyche of the man or (most likely) woman** who yells at strangers to slow down. Here’s a list of things this person might do or say:
· Says “I’m not religious – I’m spiritual.”
· Loved The Da Vinci Code book(s).
· Refers to himself in the third person. But not by his actual name, but by some gay-ass nickname (i.e. “The Robster was on fire last night.”)
· Makes mix CDs for his significant other with songs by James Blunt and Maroon 5 on it.
· Broke up with someone because a Cosmopolitan quiz convinced her/him that they weren’t compatible.
· Favorite sports teams are: Miami Heat, Pittsburg Steelers, Duke Blue Devils, Detroit Tigers, or St. Louis Cardinals.
· Talks about how he can relate to Tom Cruise’s character in Magnolia because of his relationship with his own father.
· Reads Star Magazine and US Weekly religiously.
· Has someone buy them a hat of a hot playoff team.
· Has read all the Ya Ya Sisterhood books
· Emphasized with Jennifer Aniston after Brad broke up with her
· Says “Oh, I only smoke when I drink,” or “I’m just a social smoker,” after he smokes half of your pack.
· Thinks the characters in Lost are “really deep and well rounded. And furthermore, those back stories about redemption aren’t redundant at all.”
· Still thinks Jerry McGuire and Weakest Link references are cool.
· Throws fake punches at you for a greeting.
· Takes part in a war protest because “It’s the right think to do and it’ll really make a difference.”***
· Votes for Arizona to ban smoking in bars and restaurants.****
· Reads Ann H. Coulter or Arianna Huffington.
· Starts sentences with ‘This one time at band camp…’ because it’s so funny and original.
· Says “I’m just a big kid trapped in an adults body” and then giggles.
Well that’s about it. Feel free to add your own.
Until We Meet Again,
* I apologize for that rant; I’ve clearly been reading too much DJ Gallo as of late. If anyone actually wants to read the story I’m referring to you can find it here: www.ajc.com/sports/content/sports/uga/stories/2006/10/23/1024cocktail.html
** Not trying to be sexist, but men under the age of 45 don’t really care how fast another car they’re not in is driving.
*** Not trying to offend anyone, or even be political, but have the war protests actually done anything? I mean, anything at all?
**** Restaurants I can understand. But bars? It’s a place people go to drown their sorrows and destroy their kidneys. Do they really need fresh air while doing this?
Thursday, October 19, 2006
I'm On Fire
So it came to my attention that before my post last week I went almost an entire month without making a post. Which begs the question, to myself at least, what was I doing/learning/experiencing in my absence from the blogging world? Well I interrogated myself and below are the answers.
Q: In a nutshell what have you been up to in the almost a month in which you didn’t post? We all know you’re way too into how clever you think you are when you write these things, so why haven’t you been doing it more often?
A: For starters I got sick shortly after my September 19th post. And while it was nothing serious I didn’t feel like posting then or as I dragged myself back to health (side note: Working the graveyard shift and having barking dogs and family members wake you up every time you try to sleep is not a conducive environment for getting well.). I also was more into reading, listening to music and playing my new Nintendo DS (which is on it’s way to replacing the SNES as the best video game system of all time) in my free time then writing.
Q: Ok, that all seems a little contrived but I’ll run with it. So what was the best book you read during your absence?
A: That would be On Bullshit by Harry Frankfurt. It’s basically a long essay about Bullshit, namely its definition, its cultural impact and why there’s so much of it in our society. It’s extremely humorous and insightful; I mean what isn’t funny about someone analytically breaking down the concept Bullshit?
Q: Whatever you say Mr. 5 Dollar word. So what have you learned about the NFL so far this season?
A: Well this is a tough one considering we won’t know anything definite about any of these teams for at least a few more weeks, but here’s what I’ve learned thus far:
- Drew Bledsoe, no matter how much I like him or want him to succeed, has the uncanny ability to take a team with Super Bowl potential and turn them into an 8-8 team.
- Reggie Bush is the second best decoy in the league (with T.O. being first) and is going to be an All-Pro for the next 10-15 years.
- Matt Leinart is already one of the Top 10 QB’s in the league. I’m not being or homer or even hyperbolic. Who would you rather have starting a game for you instead of Leinart? Off the top of my head I’d say Brady, Manning, Palmer, Rothlisberger, Hassleback and maybe Grossman (with the exception of last Monday). I’m unsure if this says a lot about Leinart or about the sad state of QB’s in the current NFL.
- The Arizona Cardinals are might be the best team of all-time at giving away winnable games.
Q: Speaking of the Cardinals, what did you think of Monday Night’s epic collapse?
A: Teams from Arizona, regardless of sport, should never, ever, under any circumstance, play teams from Illinois.
Q: Sticking with football, what have you observer from the University of Arizona’s first 7 games?
A: Mainly that this O-Line is going to get someone killed by the end of the season and that Stanford might be the worst division I-A team of all-time. Speaking of the O-line, if we had a semi-decent one we’d be headed to a bowl game.
Q: So the outlook is pretty bleak these days in T-Town huh?
A: Yes and no. The outlook for the football team looks very bleak. Fans, myself included, are already in ‘Wait ‘til Next Year’ mode. And to make matters worse the snowbirds** are back, which means you take you life in you hands anytime you go out for a drive. And they all seem to flock to the Park Mall, which is terrible for me since I live directly behind it. So now anytime I leave my house or go home I have to wade through a flood of elderly drivers. But on the bright side the U of A’s basketball season is less then a month away, and that’s never a bad thing.
Q: So what’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past month?
A: Thanks to my schedule I rarely go see movie in the theaters. I did however see Jackass 2 a few weeks ago, and while I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, that’s the hardest I’ve laughed at a film in a long, long time.
Q: Ok, tool. How about TV? What shows have you been watching this season?
A: I only follow a few shows on network TV, and I almost never watch new shows. But I have started watching Heroes and while it takes itself a little too seriously it’s still very enjoyable. And of course I’m still watching Veronica Mars. This season has felt a little rushed, which is to be expected since the dumb a$$es at CW only bought 13 episodes. That said it’s still the best show on network TV. I’m also watching Lost, which couldn’t have had a more uneven start. The first episode was one of the worst the show has ever done. I generally don’t care for the back stories, but this one was absolutely horrible. I was so upset at how bad the first ep was that I almost gave up on the show entirely. Thankfully the second episode was amazing and ended with one of the best scenes the show has ever done. (Editors Note: I wrote this before seeing the 3rd episode of Lost, which was really good. I’m now excited for the show to go absolutely nowhere in the next 10-15 weeks.)
Q: Alright we’ll close with a question about music, what have you been listening to as of late?
A: I’ve mainly been bumping the new Killers and Decemberist records. Also the new Court and Spark is really good. I haven’t had too much time to listen to newer stuff since I’m trying familiarize myself with Bob Dylan’s entire catalog of work.
Q: Speaking of The Killers, their front man Brandon Flowers said that their new album, Sam’s Town, is one of the best albums of the last 15 years. Would you agree with comment?
A: Well I’m pretty sure he was joking, seeing as they’re a synth-rock band and no one in their right mind could take the backing vocals on this album seriously. But if Flowers truly believes that this is one of the best albums of the last 15 years then his idea of said album is Bruce Springsteen covering “All That You Can’t Leave Behind” in its entirety.
Until We Meet Again
*In honor of the probably pedophilic Bruce Springsteen song.
** For those of you who don’t live in Tucson or are somehow unfamiliar with Snowbirds, they’re a group of retirees who come here in the winter because it never gets below 35.
Q: In a nutshell what have you been up to in the almost a month in which you didn’t post? We all know you’re way too into how clever you think you are when you write these things, so why haven’t you been doing it more often?
A: For starters I got sick shortly after my September 19th post. And while it was nothing serious I didn’t feel like posting then or as I dragged myself back to health (side note: Working the graveyard shift and having barking dogs and family members wake you up every time you try to sleep is not a conducive environment for getting well.). I also was more into reading, listening to music and playing my new Nintendo DS (which is on it’s way to replacing the SNES as the best video game system of all time) in my free time then writing.
Q: Ok, that all seems a little contrived but I’ll run with it. So what was the best book you read during your absence?
A: That would be On Bullshit by Harry Frankfurt. It’s basically a long essay about Bullshit, namely its definition, its cultural impact and why there’s so much of it in our society. It’s extremely humorous and insightful; I mean what isn’t funny about someone analytically breaking down the concept Bullshit?
Q: Whatever you say Mr. 5 Dollar word. So what have you learned about the NFL so far this season?
A: Well this is a tough one considering we won’t know anything definite about any of these teams for at least a few more weeks, but here’s what I’ve learned thus far:
- Drew Bledsoe, no matter how much I like him or want him to succeed, has the uncanny ability to take a team with Super Bowl potential and turn them into an 8-8 team.
- Reggie Bush is the second best decoy in the league (with T.O. being first) and is going to be an All-Pro for the next 10-15 years.
- Matt Leinart is already one of the Top 10 QB’s in the league. I’m not being or homer or even hyperbolic. Who would you rather have starting a game for you instead of Leinart? Off the top of my head I’d say Brady, Manning, Palmer, Rothlisberger, Hassleback and maybe Grossman (with the exception of last Monday). I’m unsure if this says a lot about Leinart or about the sad state of QB’s in the current NFL.
- The Arizona Cardinals are might be the best team of all-time at giving away winnable games.
Q: Speaking of the Cardinals, what did you think of Monday Night’s epic collapse?
A: Teams from Arizona, regardless of sport, should never, ever, under any circumstance, play teams from Illinois.
Q: Sticking with football, what have you observer from the University of Arizona’s first 7 games?
A: Mainly that this O-Line is going to get someone killed by the end of the season and that Stanford might be the worst division I-A team of all-time. Speaking of the O-line, if we had a semi-decent one we’d be headed to a bowl game.
Q: So the outlook is pretty bleak these days in T-Town huh?
A: Yes and no. The outlook for the football team looks very bleak. Fans, myself included, are already in ‘Wait ‘til Next Year’ mode. And to make matters worse the snowbirds** are back, which means you take you life in you hands anytime you go out for a drive. And they all seem to flock to the Park Mall, which is terrible for me since I live directly behind it. So now anytime I leave my house or go home I have to wade through a flood of elderly drivers. But on the bright side the U of A’s basketball season is less then a month away, and that’s never a bad thing.
Q: So what’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past month?
A: Thanks to my schedule I rarely go see movie in the theaters. I did however see Jackass 2 a few weeks ago, and while I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, that’s the hardest I’ve laughed at a film in a long, long time.
Q: Ok, tool. How about TV? What shows have you been watching this season?
A: I only follow a few shows on network TV, and I almost never watch new shows. But I have started watching Heroes and while it takes itself a little too seriously it’s still very enjoyable. And of course I’m still watching Veronica Mars. This season has felt a little rushed, which is to be expected since the dumb a$$es at CW only bought 13 episodes. That said it’s still the best show on network TV. I’m also watching Lost, which couldn’t have had a more uneven start. The first episode was one of the worst the show has ever done. I generally don’t care for the back stories, but this one was absolutely horrible. I was so upset at how bad the first ep was that I almost gave up on the show entirely. Thankfully the second episode was amazing and ended with one of the best scenes the show has ever done. (Editors Note: I wrote this before seeing the 3rd episode of Lost, which was really good. I’m now excited for the show to go absolutely nowhere in the next 10-15 weeks.)
Q: Alright we’ll close with a question about music, what have you been listening to as of late?
A: I’ve mainly been bumping the new Killers and Decemberist records. Also the new Court and Spark is really good. I haven’t had too much time to listen to newer stuff since I’m trying familiarize myself with Bob Dylan’s entire catalog of work.
Q: Speaking of The Killers, their front man Brandon Flowers said that their new album, Sam’s Town, is one of the best albums of the last 15 years. Would you agree with comment?
A: Well I’m pretty sure he was joking, seeing as they’re a synth-rock band and no one in their right mind could take the backing vocals on this album seriously. But if Flowers truly believes that this is one of the best albums of the last 15 years then his idea of said album is Bruce Springsteen covering “All That You Can’t Leave Behind” in its entirety.
Until We Meet Again
*In honor of the probably pedophilic Bruce Springsteen song.
** For those of you who don’t live in Tucson or are somehow unfamiliar with Snowbirds, they’re a group of retirees who come here in the winter because it never gets below 35.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
The Track Record
I feel pretty strongly that iPods should have half stars for their star rating system. For those of you unfamiliar with what I’m talking about, iPods allow you to rate all the songs you upload with stars. That way, people who are OCD about their music can then rate all their songs on a scale of 1 to 5. Much to my chagrin, they don’t have half stars. This causes me a lot of stress, because I’m left to wonder what I should do for songs that are better than 4 stars, but not quite worthy of 5. Anyhow, today I’m going to be reviewing several songs that have come out in the past few months, and I will be rating them on a scale of 1 to 5 stars. But unlike those cocky bastards at Apple, my rating system will allow for half stars. Let’s get to the song reviews.
1.) Justin Timberlake – “Lovestoned/I Think She Knows”: Regardless of how much solo success he has, Justin Timberlake will always be remembered as one of the founding members of NSYNC, and the guy who took Britney’s V Card. In many ways, Justin will always be viewed as a teenager. Timberlake realizes all of this, which is why his second album is completely over-sexed. Unfortunately for JT, while he may be grown up, his lyrical stylings are stuck at freshmen prom. When he drops lines like, “She looks like a model, except she’s got a little more ass,” you can almost hear him fearing that someone is going to make him wash his mouth out with soap. Juvenile lyrics aside, there’s a lot of reasons to dislike this song, mainly the excess amount of beat-boxing, and the fact that he’s trying to create a new catch phrase with “Lovestoned.” That said, this is still a really good song. Timberlake gives the song tremendous depth with the best dance beat of the year, and the song’s over-ambition pays off at the 4:40 mark when it becomes the best Coldplay song I’ve ever heard*. All in all, this is a very enjoyable song.
Listen: www.myspace.com/justintimberlake
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars
2.) The Killers – “When You Were Young”: Brandon Flowers, the lead singer of The Killers, claimed that his band’s new album, Sam’s Town, is one of the best albums of the last 15 years. Whether he’s joking or not remains to be seen, but “When You Were Young,” the lead single off the new album, feels like it’s trying to be the lead single off an epic album. This song feels like Flowers is trying to write a generational anthem. And while he fails in that regard, he succeeds in writing a tremendous power pop-rock song. Aside from the fun line, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus,” the song lacks any lyrical depth, but most of the time it’s rocking too hard to even notice.
Listen: www.myspace.com/thekillers
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars
3.) Nick Lachey – “What’s Left Of Me”: While I enjoy this song, it’s far more entertaining than it is good. Lachey croons about how he’s “Half the man I thought I would be” now that Jessica is out of his life. Needless to say, it was a brilliant move by his publicist to try and convey Lachey as a heartbroken divorcee. Nick seems to have won enough sympathy points that fans will overlook the cheesy lyrics and the growing evidence that he can’t really sing.
Listen: www.myspace.com/nicklechey69
Rating: 3 out of 5 Stars
4.) Sunset Rubdown – “Stadiums and Shrines”: I felt my indie street cred slipping after I reviewed three straight Top 40 hits. So to gain back some credibility with the hipster crowd, I’ve decide to review the best song of Spencer Krug, the lead singer from the Wolf Parade side project. Not only is “Stadiums and Shrines” the best song off Sunset’s album, Shut Up I’m Dreaming, but it also sums up the entire band. Lyrically, and at times musically, it’s a little awkward and out there. Musically, it’s a combination of great guitar rock and an almost cartoony collection of an odd assortment of instruments. Needless to say, the song is great and has a couple of soul-owning guitar riffs in it. If you’re unfamiliar with the band, I highly recommend that – at the very least – you check out this song.
Listen: www.myspace.com/sunsetrubdownfans
Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Stars
5.) The Decemberists – “O Valencia”: Anytime an indie band, such as The Decemberists, signs with a major label (in this case, Capitol) their fans always worry that the group will have to compromise their sound in order to sell records. Being a fan of The Decemberists I too was worried that one of my favorite bands might “sell out.” Thankfully, that’s not the case with the Decemberists’s newest album, and major label debut, The Crane Wife. On this song, Colin Meloy continues in his long tradition of writing novellaesque songs. This song tells us about a Romeo and Juliet-type star-crossed lovers, whose families just happen to be rival gangs. Meloy masterfully tells their story, switching moods seamlessly from love to tragedy to revenge. Even on a major label, Meloy is still a writer of fiction**.
Listen: www.myspace.com/thedecemberists
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars
6.) Paris Hilton – “Stars Are Blind”: I realize I’m in danger of losing my non-elitist crowd (if I actually have one), so I’ll now switch back to pop hits. I’ll be honest, I really wanted to hate this song. Unfortunately, Ms. Hilton hired a couple of brilliant song writers and producers. Hilton hired the tandem that does all of Gwen Stefani’s songs, whose names currently escape me. Against my better judgment, I have to admit that this is a perfectly constructed pop song. It’s like one of those songs you’d listen to when you were 12 or 13 and think about life and what love is like***. The only question I have about this song is how mad Gwen must be that this song wasn’t written for her.
Listen: www.myspace.com/parishilton
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Stars
7.) JoJo – Too Little, Too Late: I’m not sure which isworse, this song or the ungodly amount of “I knew she was going to be hot back when she was 13(or howeverold she was when her first single came out)” jokes it spawned. Actually this song isn’t that bad, it’s justignorably tween pop. I’m mean it could be worse, it could be…
Listen: www.myspace.com/jojoonline
Rating: 2.5 out of 5 Stars
8.) Fergie – London Bridge: I give Fergie credit where credits due, she actually made a song that was equally, if not more, obnoxious the ‘My Humps’. This song is an absolute train wreck, an outright musical abortion. If real life was more like wrestling this would be the Anti-Christ’s entrance music.
Listen: www.myspace.com/fergie
Rating: .5 out of 5 Stars
9.) Sparklehorse – Shade and Honey: This will be the last indie track I review, honest. This little diddy is the best song off Sparklehorse’s new album. It’s classic Sparklehorse, meaning it’s a great winter morning song. It also has one of the best opening lines I’ve heard in some time: “I could look at your face for a thousand years. It’s like a civil war of pain and cheers”. I’m not even a women and I kinda want to sleep with Mark Linkous (the band’s lead
singer).
Listen: www.myspace.com/sparklehorse
Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Stars
10.) Adam Stidham – Latest Mistake: Epic. Masterful. Maybe the best song of all time. Stidham is clearly a pure, integredous young man who makes music that all musicians should aspire to make. This virtuous soul can teach us a thing or two about love and life.
Listen: www.myspace.com/adamstidhammusic
Rating: 27 out of 5 Stars
Well that’s it for now. I might post something in the next few days explaining my extended absence and answer some burning questions.
Until We Meet Again
* It doesn’t actually turn into a Coldplay song, it just changes from dance-pop to Brit -rock almost seamlessly.
** My apologizes for that awful, indie pun.
*** For those of you wondering, the song I listened to was “Lovefool” by The Cardigans
1.) Justin Timberlake – “Lovestoned/I Think She Knows”: Regardless of how much solo success he has, Justin Timberlake will always be remembered as one of the founding members of NSYNC, and the guy who took Britney’s V Card. In many ways, Justin will always be viewed as a teenager. Timberlake realizes all of this, which is why his second album is completely over-sexed. Unfortunately for JT, while he may be grown up, his lyrical stylings are stuck at freshmen prom. When he drops lines like, “She looks like a model, except she’s got a little more ass,” you can almost hear him fearing that someone is going to make him wash his mouth out with soap. Juvenile lyrics aside, there’s a lot of reasons to dislike this song, mainly the excess amount of beat-boxing, and the fact that he’s trying to create a new catch phrase with “Lovestoned.” That said, this is still a really good song. Timberlake gives the song tremendous depth with the best dance beat of the year, and the song’s over-ambition pays off at the 4:40 mark when it becomes the best Coldplay song I’ve ever heard*. All in all, this is a very enjoyable song.
Listen: www.myspace.com/justintimberlake
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars
2.) The Killers – “When You Were Young”: Brandon Flowers, the lead singer of The Killers, claimed that his band’s new album, Sam’s Town, is one of the best albums of the last 15 years. Whether he’s joking or not remains to be seen, but “When You Were Young,” the lead single off the new album, feels like it’s trying to be the lead single off an epic album. This song feels like Flowers is trying to write a generational anthem. And while he fails in that regard, he succeeds in writing a tremendous power pop-rock song. Aside from the fun line, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus,” the song lacks any lyrical depth, but most of the time it’s rocking too hard to even notice.
Listen: www.myspace.com/thekillers
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars
3.) Nick Lachey – “What’s Left Of Me”: While I enjoy this song, it’s far more entertaining than it is good. Lachey croons about how he’s “Half the man I thought I would be” now that Jessica is out of his life. Needless to say, it was a brilliant move by his publicist to try and convey Lachey as a heartbroken divorcee. Nick seems to have won enough sympathy points that fans will overlook the cheesy lyrics and the growing evidence that he can’t really sing.
Listen: www.myspace.com/nicklechey69
Rating: 3 out of 5 Stars
4.) Sunset Rubdown – “Stadiums and Shrines”: I felt my indie street cred slipping after I reviewed three straight Top 40 hits. So to gain back some credibility with the hipster crowd, I’ve decide to review the best song of Spencer Krug, the lead singer from the Wolf Parade side project. Not only is “Stadiums and Shrines” the best song off Sunset’s album, Shut Up I’m Dreaming, but it also sums up the entire band. Lyrically, and at times musically, it’s a little awkward and out there. Musically, it’s a combination of great guitar rock and an almost cartoony collection of an odd assortment of instruments. Needless to say, the song is great and has a couple of soul-owning guitar riffs in it. If you’re unfamiliar with the band, I highly recommend that – at the very least – you check out this song.
Listen: www.myspace.com/sunsetrubdownfans
Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Stars
5.) The Decemberists – “O Valencia”: Anytime an indie band, such as The Decemberists, signs with a major label (in this case, Capitol) their fans always worry that the group will have to compromise their sound in order to sell records. Being a fan of The Decemberists I too was worried that one of my favorite bands might “sell out.” Thankfully, that’s not the case with the Decemberists’s newest album, and major label debut, The Crane Wife. On this song, Colin Meloy continues in his long tradition of writing novellaesque songs. This song tells us about a Romeo and Juliet-type star-crossed lovers, whose families just happen to be rival gangs. Meloy masterfully tells their story, switching moods seamlessly from love to tragedy to revenge. Even on a major label, Meloy is still a writer of fiction**.
Listen: www.myspace.com/thedecemberists
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars
6.) Paris Hilton – “Stars Are Blind”: I realize I’m in danger of losing my non-elitist crowd (if I actually have one), so I’ll now switch back to pop hits. I’ll be honest, I really wanted to hate this song. Unfortunately, Ms. Hilton hired a couple of brilliant song writers and producers. Hilton hired the tandem that does all of Gwen Stefani’s songs, whose names currently escape me. Against my better judgment, I have to admit that this is a perfectly constructed pop song. It’s like one of those songs you’d listen to when you were 12 or 13 and think about life and what love is like***. The only question I have about this song is how mad Gwen must be that this song wasn’t written for her.
Listen: www.myspace.com/parishilton
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Stars
7.) JoJo – Too Little, Too Late: I’m not sure which isworse, this song or the ungodly amount of “I knew she was going to be hot back when she was 13(or howeverold she was when her first single came out)” jokes it spawned. Actually this song isn’t that bad, it’s justignorably tween pop. I’m mean it could be worse, it could be…
Listen: www.myspace.com/jojoonline
Rating: 2.5 out of 5 Stars
8.) Fergie – London Bridge: I give Fergie credit where credits due, she actually made a song that was equally, if not more, obnoxious the ‘My Humps’. This song is an absolute train wreck, an outright musical abortion. If real life was more like wrestling this would be the Anti-Christ’s entrance music.
Listen: www.myspace.com/fergie
Rating: .5 out of 5 Stars
9.) Sparklehorse – Shade and Honey: This will be the last indie track I review, honest. This little diddy is the best song off Sparklehorse’s new album. It’s classic Sparklehorse, meaning it’s a great winter morning song. It also has one of the best opening lines I’ve heard in some time: “I could look at your face for a thousand years. It’s like a civil war of pain and cheers”. I’m not even a women and I kinda want to sleep with Mark Linkous (the band’s lead
singer).
Listen: www.myspace.com/sparklehorse
Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Stars
10.) Adam Stidham – Latest Mistake: Epic. Masterful. Maybe the best song of all time. Stidham is clearly a pure, integredous young man who makes music that all musicians should aspire to make. This virtuous soul can teach us a thing or two about love and life.
Listen: www.myspace.com/adamstidhammusic
Rating: 27 out of 5 Stars
Well that’s it for now. I might post something in the next few days explaining my extended absence and answer some burning questions.
Until We Meet Again
* It doesn’t actually turn into a Coldplay song, it just changes from dance-pop to Brit -rock almost seamlessly.
** My apologizes for that awful, indie pun.
*** For those of you wondering, the song I listened to was “Lovefool” by The Cardigans
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
I’ll See You in Another Life, When We Are Both Cats
As some of you may or may not know, I work in the room service department for a 4-Star resort. Normally this is a very boring and redundant job. But every so often, there are moments when incredible things happen – in these rare moments, I have the best job on earth. Below is an account of one of those rare and fleeting moments:
Before we go any further, there’s one thing you need to know. The resort I work for has a program called “(Resort’s Name) Loves Pets.” Thanks to this program, guests can bring their pets with them to the resort. Guest can also order their pets, mostly of the dog and cat variety, special dishes on the room service menu. As repulsive as the idea of someone ordering room service for their pets is, it did lead to a pretty tremendous story.
So one epic night around 8 PM, while doing some tedious prep work, I noticed our normally jovial, slightly portly cashier/call-answerer pounding on his desk in the middle of the phone call. Shortly after he hung up the phone I walked over to inquire as to what the customer said to get him so riled up. He then proceeded to tell me a story of a clearly disturbed woman who would change all of our lives. Here’s a shortened, slightly paraphrased transcript of the phone call that transpired between our cashier, who we’ll call Joe, and the woman who will, for here on out, be known as Cat Lady.*
Note: These are just the highlights from the conversation; the actual call took well over seven minutes.
JOE: Thank you for calling room service, this is Joe. May I help you?
CAT LADY: Yes, I have two twin Persian kittens. What would you recommend for them?
JOE: - To eat?
CAT LADY: Yes, they seem hungry and I wanted to get them a special treat.
JOE: Well, I’m not very familiar with our pet dishes, but I hear all of them are very good.
CAT LADY: Well, I’ll just take one of each then…And a bowl of creamer for my darlings to drink.
JOE: OK ma’am. Will there be anything else we can get you?
CAT LADY: Actually I was wondering: Do you by chance have any outfits my cats could wear while they eat their suppers? (I’m pretty sure this is when the fist pounding commenced).
JOE: Well, I’m not sure, but I could check into it for you.
CAT LADY: OK, thanks. I’ll see you guys soon!
At this point, Joe hung up the phone and quickly relayed to us what had just transpired. Naturally, we were all enthralled, and concluded that this was the best/craziest person to ever order room service. And it turned out to be my lucky day, because it was my turn in the rotation to take the meal to this women, who, based purely on her phone call, is certifiably bat-sh*t insane. Upon hearing the news that I would be delivering this order, I started joyfully clapping my hands and jumping up and down in a circle. Wait, scratch that. My reaction wasn’t nearly that flamboyant. What I actually did was this: I started flexing and thinking about monster trucks. Yeah, that’s right, that’s how it happened.
Before Joe could put the order in to the cooks, we got a call from the front desk. As it turned out, this same lady had just called and asked if a bellboy could come up and read her cats a story. The front desk understandably became convinced that this was just a prank call, and that this woman had a great sense of humor. Obviously, we were all extremely saddened to find out this call wasn’t legit. Then, moments later, the front desk called to tell us that after checking her history, she has ordered pet dishes before. So, either this woman was as crazy as we initially thought, or she was the most elaborate, deep-pocketed practical joker of all time. Turns out it was the former.
So as I wheeled the cat litter and gourmet pet dishes up to this psycho’s room, I convinced myself that nothing that could happen inside the room could possibly come close to my expectations of how loony this lady was. Thankfully I was wrong, sort of. Here’s what transpired inside the room:
I wheeled by cart inside the room, and before I could begin my presentation of the assorted cat dishes, the woman interrupted me.
CAT LADY: Um, do you have any chairs my cats could sit on?
ME: (slightly flustered and perplexed) I think we’re all out (I didn’t even think we had any such chairs)**. We’re booked to full capacity this week (that part was true).
CAT LADY: Oh, are there a lot of Persians in house? (I assumed she meant the breed of cat as opposed to the human descendants of Persia, but I learned at a young age to never assume).
ME: (stunned, picking my jaw off the floor) Oh, I’m not sure on the exact number.
(At this point, I started biting my lower lip as hard as possible, so I did not laugh directly in this woman’s face. As I began to unwrap the cat food and place it on the floor, Cat Lady came over and started up another conversation with me.
CAT LADY: Oh, everything looks so great, what a nice treat for my darlings.
ME: (quivering because I’m biting my lip so hard) Yeah…
CAT LADY: Oh, if only they had little cat desserts, wouldn’t that be nice?
ME: (doing everything in my power not to lose my sh*t) Yeah, that would be something…
Nothing else major happened, and I made it through the whole ordeal without laughing at this woman. As I exited the room, I felt exhausted. I had used every once of self-control I had not to laugh at this woman, and it left me with nothing. Like a marathon runner, I had pushed myself to the limits, given all I could give. As I tiredly slumped back to the room service area, I realized that this was the best thing that had ever, or ever would, happen to me at work. The rest of my night was a complete blur: I was so drained from my encounter with Cat Lady.
So there you have it. And before you ask, let me just tell you that this is a true story. If I could make something this good up, I’d be writing award-winning fiction books and not posting here. Just trust me on this one.
Until We Meet Again
* “Catwoman” would be a better name, but it’s already taken, and the last thing I want to do is confuse people.
** It turns out we have special ‘pillowy’ chairs for pets that stay at our resort, and yes, this disgusts me.
Before we go any further, there’s one thing you need to know. The resort I work for has a program called “(Resort’s Name) Loves Pets.” Thanks to this program, guests can bring their pets with them to the resort. Guest can also order their pets, mostly of the dog and cat variety, special dishes on the room service menu. As repulsive as the idea of someone ordering room service for their pets is, it did lead to a pretty tremendous story.
So one epic night around 8 PM, while doing some tedious prep work, I noticed our normally jovial, slightly portly cashier/call-answerer pounding on his desk in the middle of the phone call. Shortly after he hung up the phone I walked over to inquire as to what the customer said to get him so riled up. He then proceeded to tell me a story of a clearly disturbed woman who would change all of our lives. Here’s a shortened, slightly paraphrased transcript of the phone call that transpired between our cashier, who we’ll call Joe, and the woman who will, for here on out, be known as Cat Lady.*
Note: These are just the highlights from the conversation; the actual call took well over seven minutes.
JOE: Thank you for calling room service, this is Joe. May I help you?
CAT LADY: Yes, I have two twin Persian kittens. What would you recommend for them?
JOE: - To eat?
CAT LADY: Yes, they seem hungry and I wanted to get them a special treat.
JOE: Well, I’m not very familiar with our pet dishes, but I hear all of them are very good.
CAT LADY: Well, I’ll just take one of each then…And a bowl of creamer for my darlings to drink.
JOE: OK ma’am. Will there be anything else we can get you?
CAT LADY: Actually I was wondering: Do you by chance have any outfits my cats could wear while they eat their suppers? (I’m pretty sure this is when the fist pounding commenced).
JOE: Well, I’m not sure, but I could check into it for you.
CAT LADY: OK, thanks. I’ll see you guys soon!
At this point, Joe hung up the phone and quickly relayed to us what had just transpired. Naturally, we were all enthralled, and concluded that this was the best/craziest person to ever order room service. And it turned out to be my lucky day, because it was my turn in the rotation to take the meal to this women, who, based purely on her phone call, is certifiably bat-sh*t insane. Upon hearing the news that I would be delivering this order, I started joyfully clapping my hands and jumping up and down in a circle. Wait, scratch that. My reaction wasn’t nearly that flamboyant. What I actually did was this: I started flexing and thinking about monster trucks. Yeah, that’s right, that’s how it happened.
Before Joe could put the order in to the cooks, we got a call from the front desk. As it turned out, this same lady had just called and asked if a bellboy could come up and read her cats a story. The front desk understandably became convinced that this was just a prank call, and that this woman had a great sense of humor. Obviously, we were all extremely saddened to find out this call wasn’t legit. Then, moments later, the front desk called to tell us that after checking her history, she has ordered pet dishes before. So, either this woman was as crazy as we initially thought, or she was the most elaborate, deep-pocketed practical joker of all time. Turns out it was the former.
So as I wheeled the cat litter and gourmet pet dishes up to this psycho’s room, I convinced myself that nothing that could happen inside the room could possibly come close to my expectations of how loony this lady was. Thankfully I was wrong, sort of. Here’s what transpired inside the room:
I wheeled by cart inside the room, and before I could begin my presentation of the assorted cat dishes, the woman interrupted me.
CAT LADY: Um, do you have any chairs my cats could sit on?
ME: (slightly flustered and perplexed) I think we’re all out (I didn’t even think we had any such chairs)**. We’re booked to full capacity this week (that part was true).
CAT LADY: Oh, are there a lot of Persians in house? (I assumed she meant the breed of cat as opposed to the human descendants of Persia, but I learned at a young age to never assume).
ME: (stunned, picking my jaw off the floor) Oh, I’m not sure on the exact number.
(At this point, I started biting my lower lip as hard as possible, so I did not laugh directly in this woman’s face. As I began to unwrap the cat food and place it on the floor, Cat Lady came over and started up another conversation with me.
CAT LADY: Oh, everything looks so great, what a nice treat for my darlings.
ME: (quivering because I’m biting my lip so hard) Yeah…
CAT LADY: Oh, if only they had little cat desserts, wouldn’t that be nice?
ME: (doing everything in my power not to lose my sh*t) Yeah, that would be something…
Nothing else major happened, and I made it through the whole ordeal without laughing at this woman. As I exited the room, I felt exhausted. I had used every once of self-control I had not to laugh at this woman, and it left me with nothing. Like a marathon runner, I had pushed myself to the limits, given all I could give. As I tiredly slumped back to the room service area, I realized that this was the best thing that had ever, or ever would, happen to me at work. The rest of my night was a complete blur: I was so drained from my encounter with Cat Lady.
So there you have it. And before you ask, let me just tell you that this is a true story. If I could make something this good up, I’d be writing award-winning fiction books and not posting here. Just trust me on this one.
Until We Meet Again
* “Catwoman” would be a better name, but it’s already taken, and the last thing I want to do is confuse people.
** It turns out we have special ‘pillowy’ chairs for pets that stay at our resort, and yes, this disgusts me.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Fluff Filled Fluff
Here’s a quick blog to tide you over as I finish editing a blog that will eventually change your life. Anyhow, here are a few things I’ve been thinking lately:
- Steve “The Crocodile Hunter” Erwin was always kinda awesome, but mainly goofy. His death was about par for the course (too soon?).
- Seeing as how Carmelo Anthony was Team USA’s best player, and seeing as how he’s predominantly a mid-range shooter, shouldn’t we load up our national team with mid-range specialists? That’s why I feel pretty strongly that Mike Bibby and Rip Hamilton* should be added to the national team roster, and get ample playing time. If nothing else, this seems like a better plan than loading the team with athletes and slashers who all duplicate each other.
- No Daniel Hartman - I will leave you in!!!
- And now we’ve reached the segment of the blog where I’ll name-drop a phenomenal band that nobody’s ever heard of so that I can feel elitist: The National.
- Is anything better then all the baseball stories with the experts wondering why Home Runs are at a record setting pace this year. There are only two possible explanations for this but no one ever mentions either. The first explanation is that all the hitters just switched from steroids to HGH or (my pick) hitters in this era were always better and we’re starting to see that now more then ever since all the pitchers have stopped juicing. They way I see it these seem to be the two most logical options, yet every analyst just says thinks like “You really can’t explain it” and “It’s just one of those freak statistical years”. Look it’s either one of the two above, trying to pretend that it’s just some freaky coincidence, like Mark McGuire’s shrunken testicles during the ‘97 home run chase, is just embarrassing and insulting. The Jason Grimsley scandal proved to us that performance enhancing drugs were heavily apart of baseball for at least the past decade, therefore its only logical to that everything currently happening in baseball has to do with performance enhancing drugs either being used or no longer being used. It just depends on whether its players using an untestable kind or players sucking because they no longer use them.
- Miles Simon is a massive, massive tool.
- Ditto Zach Braff (Overrated)
- Is it just me, or is “Crossover,” the new movie about street basketball, about 3 years late? Along with their tardiness, the makers of this film failed to realize that Wayne Brady was never cool, or anything more than a one trick pony for that matter, and that no one would ever buy him as a villain (especially a seedy sports agent villain). And if that wasn’t enough, they hired the black guy from T(een)NBC’S “City Guys” to play the lead. Combine that with the uber homoerotic double alley-oop they keep showing in the trailer, and you’ve got a recipe for comedy gold. I feel like they made this movie just so I’d have something to watch on video at 3 in the morning a month from now. Thanks Tristar.
- It’s probably been over played by now, but I have to mention it: The new OKGO video is absolutely amazing. The song itself is beyond terrible, but the video might be the best thing I’ve ever seen. I ran into on MTV 2 one night while searching for something to watch during halftime of the FIBA World Championship. Despite what sounded like a musical abortion on my ears I couldn’t turn away from the screen. Just watch it and trust me on this one, the video is great: http://youtube.com/watch?v=pv5zWaTEVkI
- Top 5 Songs Currently Rocking me to the core:
1.) I’m From Barcelona** - Chicken Pox
2.) The National – Mr. November
3.) Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Cheated Hearts
4.) Murs – Freak These Tales
5.) Killers – When You Were Young (See ya ‘round, indie street cred.)
Bonus Song.) Boy Star Library – Me and Julia
- Work Story Time: As some of you may know I work the graveyard shift for a 4-star resort in Tucson. This resort, which for now will remain nameless, was hosting this years Mrs. America Pageant. So for the past few weeks theirs been 50 Beauty Queens running around the resort***.
One night while I was picking up a tray I ran into and had a brief conversation with Mrs. North Carolina. After the usual clichés Mrs. NC and I had the following exchange:
Me: So according to Vegas you’re favored to win the entire pageant****.
Mrs. North Carolina: Oh Mrs. Vegas said that?
Me: (Complete awestruck) Um.. no…
- And there you have it. I can’t think of anything else to write and I’m about to pass out, so I’m off. Stay tuned later this week (or next week)for an earth-shattering blog to end all blogs.
Until We Meet Again
* Try as I might, I couldn’t think of any other mid-range players. Has the basketball in America de-evolved so much that there are only 3 players left in the game who have dominant mid-range games? My answer: yes.
** Another brilliant band from Sweden. They’re hardcore tween pop and they sound like a combination of The Polyphonics Spree and Boy Least Likely.
*** Quick side not that I can’t prove: I’m pretty sure most of the Mrs. America contestants are married to gay men just so they can have the title Mrs. And thus have a better chance at gaining the crown. Either that or they all have gay entourages.
****Yes the fact that I brought up imaginary gambling odds in a casual conversation proves that I have a gambling problem, so what?
- Steve “The Crocodile Hunter” Erwin was always kinda awesome, but mainly goofy. His death was about par for the course (too soon?).
- Seeing as how Carmelo Anthony was Team USA’s best player, and seeing as how he’s predominantly a mid-range shooter, shouldn’t we load up our national team with mid-range specialists? That’s why I feel pretty strongly that Mike Bibby and Rip Hamilton* should be added to the national team roster, and get ample playing time. If nothing else, this seems like a better plan than loading the team with athletes and slashers who all duplicate each other.
- No Daniel Hartman - I will leave you in!!!
- And now we’ve reached the segment of the blog where I’ll name-drop a phenomenal band that nobody’s ever heard of so that I can feel elitist: The National.
- Is anything better then all the baseball stories with the experts wondering why Home Runs are at a record setting pace this year. There are only two possible explanations for this but no one ever mentions either. The first explanation is that all the hitters just switched from steroids to HGH or (my pick) hitters in this era were always better and we’re starting to see that now more then ever since all the pitchers have stopped juicing. They way I see it these seem to be the two most logical options, yet every analyst just says thinks like “You really can’t explain it” and “It’s just one of those freak statistical years”. Look it’s either one of the two above, trying to pretend that it’s just some freaky coincidence, like Mark McGuire’s shrunken testicles during the ‘97 home run chase, is just embarrassing and insulting. The Jason Grimsley scandal proved to us that performance enhancing drugs were heavily apart of baseball for at least the past decade, therefore its only logical to that everything currently happening in baseball has to do with performance enhancing drugs either being used or no longer being used. It just depends on whether its players using an untestable kind or players sucking because they no longer use them.
- Miles Simon is a massive, massive tool.
- Ditto Zach Braff (Overrated)
- Is it just me, or is “Crossover,” the new movie about street basketball, about 3 years late? Along with their tardiness, the makers of this film failed to realize that Wayne Brady was never cool, or anything more than a one trick pony for that matter, and that no one would ever buy him as a villain (especially a seedy sports agent villain). And if that wasn’t enough, they hired the black guy from T(een)NBC’S “City Guys” to play the lead. Combine that with the uber homoerotic double alley-oop they keep showing in the trailer, and you’ve got a recipe for comedy gold. I feel like they made this movie just so I’d have something to watch on video at 3 in the morning a month from now. Thanks Tristar.
- It’s probably been over played by now, but I have to mention it: The new OKGO video is absolutely amazing. The song itself is beyond terrible, but the video might be the best thing I’ve ever seen. I ran into on MTV 2 one night while searching for something to watch during halftime of the FIBA World Championship. Despite what sounded like a musical abortion on my ears I couldn’t turn away from the screen. Just watch it and trust me on this one, the video is great: http://youtube.com/watch?v=pv5zWaTEVkI
- Top 5 Songs Currently Rocking me to the core:
1.) I’m From Barcelona** - Chicken Pox
2.) The National – Mr. November
3.) Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Cheated Hearts
4.) Murs – Freak These Tales
5.) Killers – When You Were Young (See ya ‘round, indie street cred.)
Bonus Song.) Boy Star Library – Me and Julia
- Work Story Time: As some of you may know I work the graveyard shift for a 4-star resort in Tucson. This resort, which for now will remain nameless, was hosting this years Mrs. America Pageant. So for the past few weeks theirs been 50 Beauty Queens running around the resort***.
One night while I was picking up a tray I ran into and had a brief conversation with Mrs. North Carolina. After the usual clichés Mrs. NC and I had the following exchange:
Me: So according to Vegas you’re favored to win the entire pageant****.
Mrs. North Carolina: Oh Mrs. Vegas said that?
Me: (Complete awestruck) Um.. no…
- And there you have it. I can’t think of anything else to write and I’m about to pass out, so I’m off. Stay tuned later this week (or next week)for an earth-shattering blog to end all blogs.
Until We Meet Again
* Try as I might, I couldn’t think of any other mid-range players. Has the basketball in America de-evolved so much that there are only 3 players left in the game who have dominant mid-range games? My answer: yes.
** Another brilliant band from Sweden. They’re hardcore tween pop and they sound like a combination of The Polyphonics Spree and Boy Least Likely.
*** Quick side not that I can’t prove: I’m pretty sure most of the Mrs. America contestants are married to gay men just so they can have the title Mrs. And thus have a better chance at gaining the crown. Either that or they all have gay entourages.
****Yes the fact that I brought up imaginary gambling odds in a casual conversation proves that I have a gambling problem, so what?
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Dissecting/Rebutting the Female Psyche
Disclaimer: I wrote this blog after working a double shift and getting home at 7 AM. Because of this, the majority of the post will come off as extremely hyperbolic and extremely chauvinistic. Also, a note to all women: This post is intended for humor purposes only – please do not call me crying into the phone while you are on your periods.
Today I will attempt a noble and valiant task: I will try to figure out how women think. Well, not really. I’m actually just going to look at a quote that can be found on 1 out of every 5* girls’ myspace or facebook accounts. The quote is undoubtedly from some gawd-awful movie which I have never seen, nor do I ever plan on seeing. Anyhow here’s the quote below. I’m going to give it to you and then I’m going to enlighten all of you with why the quote isn’t accurate, or what it is actually saying. Well here’s the quote in full for ya:
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot; who calls you back when you hang up on him; who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead; who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats; who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you, and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, ‘...that's her.’”
- Source Unknown (to me at least)
And yes, in case you’re wondering, these girls are actually serious when they post this sh*t. Well, enough with the intro, let’s start dissecting/rebutting this horrifically stupid quote.
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot.” – This part is almost right: Unfortunately, the poor souls who post this have no idea how guys’ minds work. For instance, 95% of guys see no difference between calling a girl ‘beautiful’ or ‘hot.’ Both of these words mean that said girl is attractive, and only really uptight girls get offended when someone calls them ‘hot.’ The only time guys differentiate between the meaning of ‘hot’ and ‘beautiful’ is when they’re describing Ray Allen’s jump shot or Justin Morneau’s swing.
“Who calls you back when you hang up on him.” - I’m sorry, but this only works in romantic comedies. If you want to keep talking to a guy, don’t hang up on him. Since you abruptly ended the conversation, most guys would assume that you no longer wanted to talk to them. In fact, I’m willing to wager that in real life, if a guy called a girl back after she hung up on him, the girl wouldn’t think it was cute or sexy. Instead she would just think he was spineless, annoying, and didn’t know when to take a hint.
“Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.” – Did I miss something here, or isn’t watching people sleep creepy?
“Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.” - This line proves that whoever wrote this has some serious daddy issues. Dads always kiss their daughters on the foreheads. Why any women would want someone they’re romantically involved with to act like their father is beyond me.
“Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.” – If you’re a girl and you’re actually wearing sweats, that can only mean one of two things: a) It’s winter time or b) You’re out of shape. Either way you’re goin' want to stay in doors.
“Who holds your hand in front of his friends.” – Was this written by a middle schooler? Honestly, what guy is too shy to hold his girlfriend’s hand in front of his friends? I’ll tell you what kind of guy: An emotionally-stunted a$$hole. Or Daniel Hartman.
“Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you, and how lucky he is to have you.” – Guys who are constantly doing this are most likely trying to sleep with you, so this really isn’t sound advice.
“Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, ‘...that's her.’” – He’ll then follow that up by saying, “Yeah, I hit that!”
And there you have it. I’m trying to write some bit of closure for this, but instead I’m just going go pass out.
Until We Meet Again
* I have no facts to back up this number.
Note: Starting next week I’m going to be moving my blogs over to myspace to make them more accessible. For those of you who still aren’t members of myspace I’m still going to post them over here so no worries.
Today I will attempt a noble and valiant task: I will try to figure out how women think. Well, not really. I’m actually just going to look at a quote that can be found on 1 out of every 5* girls’ myspace or facebook accounts. The quote is undoubtedly from some gawd-awful movie which I have never seen, nor do I ever plan on seeing. Anyhow here’s the quote below. I’m going to give it to you and then I’m going to enlighten all of you with why the quote isn’t accurate, or what it is actually saying. Well here’s the quote in full for ya:
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot; who calls you back when you hang up on him; who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead; who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats; who holds your hand in front of his friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you, and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, ‘...that's her.’”
- Source Unknown (to me at least)
And yes, in case you’re wondering, these girls are actually serious when they post this sh*t. Well, enough with the intro, let’s start dissecting/rebutting this horrifically stupid quote.
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot.” – This part is almost right: Unfortunately, the poor souls who post this have no idea how guys’ minds work. For instance, 95% of guys see no difference between calling a girl ‘beautiful’ or ‘hot.’ Both of these words mean that said girl is attractive, and only really uptight girls get offended when someone calls them ‘hot.’ The only time guys differentiate between the meaning of ‘hot’ and ‘beautiful’ is when they’re describing Ray Allen’s jump shot or Justin Morneau’s swing.
“Who calls you back when you hang up on him.” - I’m sorry, but this only works in romantic comedies. If you want to keep talking to a guy, don’t hang up on him. Since you abruptly ended the conversation, most guys would assume that you no longer wanted to talk to them. In fact, I’m willing to wager that in real life, if a guy called a girl back after she hung up on him, the girl wouldn’t think it was cute or sexy. Instead she would just think he was spineless, annoying, and didn’t know when to take a hint.
“Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.” – Did I miss something here, or isn’t watching people sleep creepy?
“Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead.” - This line proves that whoever wrote this has some serious daddy issues. Dads always kiss their daughters on the foreheads. Why any women would want someone they’re romantically involved with to act like their father is beyond me.
“Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.” – If you’re a girl and you’re actually wearing sweats, that can only mean one of two things: a) It’s winter time or b) You’re out of shape. Either way you’re goin' want to stay in doors.
“Who holds your hand in front of his friends.” – Was this written by a middle schooler? Honestly, what guy is too shy to hold his girlfriend’s hand in front of his friends? I’ll tell you what kind of guy: An emotionally-stunted a$$hole. Or Daniel Hartman.
“Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you, and how lucky he is to have you.” – Guys who are constantly doing this are most likely trying to sleep with you, so this really isn’t sound advice.
“Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, ‘...that's her.’” – He’ll then follow that up by saying, “Yeah, I hit that!”
And there you have it. I’m trying to write some bit of closure for this, but instead I’m just going go pass out.
Until We Meet Again
* I have no facts to back up this number.
Note: Starting next week I’m going to be moving my blogs over to myspace to make them more accessible. For those of you who still aren’t members of myspace I’m still going to post them over here so no worries.
Friday, July 21, 2006
A Cluster-F*ck of Thoughts
So over the past couple of days, I’ve run into several things that I’ve wanted to write about. Since none of them require a good deal of space, I’ve decided to combine them all in my first ever “cluster-f*ck blog.” Anyhow, as you all know, the only thing I hate more than fluffing up a blog intro is people who say they have no regrets in life, so let’s get right to it.
The Most Depressing Thing I’ve Ever Heard: So the other day when I was reading the paper before bed, I came across a story about a man who was trying to visit every Starbucks in the world. Yes, that’s right, every Starbucks in the world. The man calls himself Winter, which I assume is a stage name. He’s already visited over 2,000 Starbucks location, and has spent over $30,000 on his journey thus far. Good thinking buddy, way to put your money to good use. And we wonder why the rest of the world hates us. Winter says he visits as many as 15 Starbucks a day, and only counts it as a visit if he drinks a cup of coffee at the location he goes to. I wish I was making this up, but I’m not. This guy is one pathetic f*ck. Below is a link that proves this is for real. Winter's quest, which he calls 'Starbucking', is the most depressing thing I've heard since Gnarles Barkley's being played on the radio.
And for those of you naive f*cks out there who think Winter's ambition is no different than people visiting all fifty states or every Major League ballpark, think again. If you visit every state or every MLB ballpark, there's at least something different waiting for you at each destination. I personally have been to Starbucks in five different states, and I got news for you: They are all the same! Seriously, each one has a counter, some postmodern art on the wall, incredibly boring coffee house music (for the most part), and the feel and look of an warehouse. Each location is filled with yuppie f*cks and teenage girls who are easily influenced by advertising*. All in all, this is too depressing for me to keep writing about. F*ck you Winter, and f*ck you Starbucks.
www.boston.com/ae/food/restaurants/articles/2005/11/28/better_latte_than_never_to_achieve_goal/
Baseball: Here's my bold second half predictions, one for each conference.
NL: Braves win the wildcard.
AL: Tigers fail to make the playoffs.
Music:
Overlooked Album of ‘05: Tapes ‘n Tapes – The Loon. This CD was put out in late
December of 2005, so it flew under everyone's radar. While this wasn't a top 10 or even a top 20 album of '05, it's very good and would probably have made my top 10 if it came out in this lackluster year of music. Fans of Pavement, Built to Spill, and good indie rock should probably check this one out. The best songs are “Manitoba,” “Omaha,” “Crazy Eighty,” “10 Gallon Ascots,” and “Buckle.”
Sleeper Hit of 2006: Eef Barzelay –Bitter Honey. This CD is my current sleeper hit of 2006. Eef is the lead singer of Clem Snide, so this album sounds very similar to most of their work. Except that every song is just Eef and his guitar; on some, there's a little electronics thrown in. Soothing and melodic, with a twist of alt. country and Eef's famously unique voice, this entire album feels like it's a summer nights anthem. The best songs are “Ballad of Bitter Honey” (a song from the perspective of a rap video vixen), “I Wasn't Really Drunk” (a song that feels like it was stolen from Jimmy Buffet's catalog, except for the fact that Buffet would have been drunk), “Words that Escape Me,” “Joy to the World,” and “Little Red Dot.” If you have any musical taste at all, check this album out!!!
NBA: As if the Suns’ off-season couldn't get any worse, Steve Nash has cancer.
Sam Cassel is white?
All joking aside, if Amare's at 70%, the Suns will be a top-three team in the league. And I really like the Marcus Banks signing. While he can't shoot for sh*t, he's a decent passer, he's young, and he's a very good defender. He's similar to Earl Watson, but with a much higher upside. Now, if we can just find the money to resign Diaw and LB, I’ll finally be able to sleep at night.
A$$hole alert: Dodgers 1st Base Coach - During Monday's D-backs-Dodgers game, Dodgers first base coach Mariano Duncan was ejected for arguing a check-swing call. After he was ejected, he went over to the ref and started arguing with him. He eventually got so frustrated that he actually threw his hat at the official and left the field in a huff. The official then took the hat and gave it to a young fan in the stands. Upon hearing this, Duncan had this to say to the media:
"That equipment that he throws to the fan, he's got to try to go out and find a way to bring that cap back or pay for it. I don't think any equipment that says `L.A. Dodgers' belongs to him."
And yes, he was completely serious. With a little more exposure, this guy may be able to rival Barry Bonds for biggest asshole in sports. Not only does he throw a tantrum like a 5-year-old, but then when the ump does a decent thing, giving a young fan a hat, he goes and says that it wasn't the umps right to do that. Listen jackass, anytime you act out like a spoiled child and throw your hat at an ump, he has every right to punch you in the face, let alone give your hat to a fan (and probably making the young fan's night). If Duncan is really that upset because the ump gave his hat away, then maybe he shouldn't have thrown it at him. Mr. Duncan, it's time you learn a very valuable lesson: Think before you act.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/recap?gameId=260717129
Well that's all for now. I'm going to be traveling for the next few weeks, so there probably won't be any new updates until the second week of August. Anyhow, hope this was enough to tide you over.
Until We Meet Again.
* And there you have the reason why I still go to Starbucks, and no, it's not the advertising.
The Most Depressing Thing I’ve Ever Heard: So the other day when I was reading the paper before bed, I came across a story about a man who was trying to visit every Starbucks in the world. Yes, that’s right, every Starbucks in the world. The man calls himself Winter, which I assume is a stage name. He’s already visited over 2,000 Starbucks location, and has spent over $30,000 on his journey thus far. Good thinking buddy, way to put your money to good use. And we wonder why the rest of the world hates us. Winter says he visits as many as 15 Starbucks a day, and only counts it as a visit if he drinks a cup of coffee at the location he goes to. I wish I was making this up, but I’m not. This guy is one pathetic f*ck. Below is a link that proves this is for real. Winter's quest, which he calls 'Starbucking', is the most depressing thing I've heard since Gnarles Barkley's being played on the radio.
And for those of you naive f*cks out there who think Winter's ambition is no different than people visiting all fifty states or every Major League ballpark, think again. If you visit every state or every MLB ballpark, there's at least something different waiting for you at each destination. I personally have been to Starbucks in five different states, and I got news for you: They are all the same! Seriously, each one has a counter, some postmodern art on the wall, incredibly boring coffee house music (for the most part), and the feel and look of an warehouse. Each location is filled with yuppie f*cks and teenage girls who are easily influenced by advertising*. All in all, this is too depressing for me to keep writing about. F*ck you Winter, and f*ck you Starbucks.
www.boston.com/ae/food/restaurants/articles/2005/11/28/better_latte_than_never_to_achieve_goal/
Baseball: Here's my bold second half predictions, one for each conference.
NL: Braves win the wildcard.
AL: Tigers fail to make the playoffs.
Music:
Overlooked Album of ‘05: Tapes ‘n Tapes – The Loon. This CD was put out in late
December of 2005, so it flew under everyone's radar. While this wasn't a top 10 or even a top 20 album of '05, it's very good and would probably have made my top 10 if it came out in this lackluster year of music. Fans of Pavement, Built to Spill, and good indie rock should probably check this one out. The best songs are “Manitoba,” “Omaha,” “Crazy Eighty,” “10 Gallon Ascots,” and “Buckle.”
Sleeper Hit of 2006: Eef Barzelay –Bitter Honey. This CD is my current sleeper hit of 2006. Eef is the lead singer of Clem Snide, so this album sounds very similar to most of their work. Except that every song is just Eef and his guitar; on some, there's a little electronics thrown in. Soothing and melodic, with a twist of alt. country and Eef's famously unique voice, this entire album feels like it's a summer nights anthem. The best songs are “Ballad of Bitter Honey” (a song from the perspective of a rap video vixen), “I Wasn't Really Drunk” (a song that feels like it was stolen from Jimmy Buffet's catalog, except for the fact that Buffet would have been drunk), “Words that Escape Me,” “Joy to the World,” and “Little Red Dot.” If you have any musical taste at all, check this album out!!!
NBA: As if the Suns’ off-season couldn't get any worse, Steve Nash has cancer.
Sam Cassel is white?
All joking aside, if Amare's at 70%, the Suns will be a top-three team in the league. And I really like the Marcus Banks signing. While he can't shoot for sh*t, he's a decent passer, he's young, and he's a very good defender. He's similar to Earl Watson, but with a much higher upside. Now, if we can just find the money to resign Diaw and LB, I’ll finally be able to sleep at night.
A$$hole alert: Dodgers 1st Base Coach - During Monday's D-backs-Dodgers game, Dodgers first base coach Mariano Duncan was ejected for arguing a check-swing call. After he was ejected, he went over to the ref and started arguing with him. He eventually got so frustrated that he actually threw his hat at the official and left the field in a huff. The official then took the hat and gave it to a young fan in the stands. Upon hearing this, Duncan had this to say to the media:
"That equipment that he throws to the fan, he's got to try to go out and find a way to bring that cap back or pay for it. I don't think any equipment that says `L.A. Dodgers' belongs to him."
And yes, he was completely serious. With a little more exposure, this guy may be able to rival Barry Bonds for biggest asshole in sports. Not only does he throw a tantrum like a 5-year-old, but then when the ump does a decent thing, giving a young fan a hat, he goes and says that it wasn't the umps right to do that. Listen jackass, anytime you act out like a spoiled child and throw your hat at an ump, he has every right to punch you in the face, let alone give your hat to a fan (and probably making the young fan's night). If Duncan is really that upset because the ump gave his hat away, then maybe he shouldn't have thrown it at him. Mr. Duncan, it's time you learn a very valuable lesson: Think before you act.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/recap?gameId=260717129
Well that's all for now. I'm going to be traveling for the next few weeks, so there probably won't be any new updates until the second week of August. Anyhow, hope this was enough to tide you over.
Until We Meet Again.
* And there you have the reason why I still go to Starbucks, and no, it's not the advertising.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Top 5 Moments in which Music and Sports Intertwined
So a friend of mine is writing a book on music, and he wanted me to contribute to it. He also wanted me to give him some sort of sports list for the book as well. While I did think this was a bit of an odd request, I did what I always do: I went out there and got it done. Here is the list I made for my friend’s book. This is the Top 5 Moments in which Music and Sports Intertwined:
5. Shaq’s Rapping Career – While it lacks the cultural impact of Shaq Fu, the Big Diesel’s rapping career was a thing of beauty. On his first CD, we learned that Shaq’s fans didn’t want him to shoot or pass it, but they just wanted him to slam it, slam! On one of his later CDs, we learned that Phil was, in fact, his real father, because his biological didn’t bother. Aside from several humorously obscure references, Shaq’s rapping also brought us Mark Madsen’s celebration dancing, which is still funny no matter how many times I see it. Thanks for the memories, Shaq.
Mark Madsen, Make-A-Wish Foundation recipient since 2000.
4. 2K6 Soundtracks – For some reason, 2K6 video games decided to flip the switch on sports video game soundtracks last year. Instead of filling their NBA and MLB games with crappy radio hits and/or unlistenable screamo songs, the 2K6 crew went out and decided to fill their games with great indie music. The NBA game’s soundtrack is filled with such artists as RJD2, Blackalicious, Common, Little Brother, Aesop Rock, Redman, The Roots and Aceyalone. The MLB game is power-packed with college radio favorites, including Belle and Sebastian, Yo La Tengo, Pavement, Stephen Malkamus, Interpol, Mogwai and Pretty Girls Make Graves. Just a great collection of artists for these soundtracks. And nothing on earth could have prepared me for the moment when the MLB games’ AI agrees to trade Scott Kasmir for Russ Ortiz straight up, while Le Pastie De La Bourgeoisie blares from my TV speakers. Nothing.
3. Mariah Carey @ 2003 NBA-Star Game – Any male with an active pulse remembers Mariah Carey’s tribute to Michael Jordan during halftime of the 2003 NBA All-Star game. Mariah came out wearing a gown/jersey hybrid of MJ’s. There’s really nothing more I can write about here, so I’ll just let the picture sum things up for you.
P.S. Is it gay that the most attracted I've ever been to Mariah was when she was wearing guy's clothing? On second thought, don't answer that.
And boom goes the dynamite…
2. Whitney Houston’s National Anthem @ Super Bowl XXV – I was 6 when this happened, and I only vaguely remember it. The U.S. was in the midst of Operation Desert Storm, and the entire country was feeling a little bit uneasy. In walks Whitney Houston to bravado the hell out of the National Anthem. Most everyone agrees that this is the best possible version of our Anthem, and that Houston’s rendition sent our Patriotism soaring through the roof. I’ve seen video replays of this and I get chills every time. But as great as this was, for my money it wasn’t even the best National Anthem moment at a sporting event…
1. Maurice Cheeks’s National Anthem Assist – …That would be this one. Let me set the scene for you. By all accounts, Mo Cheeks was/is a stand-up guy and a pretty darn good coach. Unfortunately for him, he’s stuck in basketball coach purgatory. He was coaching the team that was then known as “The Jailblazers”. The team had acquired this nickname because over half of the players on the team had been arrested at some point in their careers, and stories were constantly getting leaked that there were multiple fights in practice daily. So here’s Cheeks, stuck coaching a bunch of thugs in the 2003 NBA playoffs. His team is trailing 2-0, going into the 3rd game at Portland. Enter local singing phenom Natalie Gilbert, age 13. Gilbert begins to sing the National Anthem, but midway through she forgets the words. While everyone braces themselves for a train wreck moment, Portland head coach Maurice Cheeks steps in to save the day. He puts his arm around Gilbert and the two of them finish singing the Anthem together. The whole crowd joins in, and even most of the players start to sing the Anthem as well. What could have been an out-and-out disaster became one of the best moments in professional sports history, in my opinion. I feel strongly that Mo Cheeks will coach a team to an NBA Championship one day, just based on the karma he has built up from this moment.
I was too touched by this moment to even come up with a joke.
Well, that’s it for now. Check back later this week for some of the most depressing things you’ve ever heard.
5. Shaq’s Rapping Career – While it lacks the cultural impact of Shaq Fu, the Big Diesel’s rapping career was a thing of beauty. On his first CD, we learned that Shaq’s fans didn’t want him to shoot or pass it, but they just wanted him to slam it, slam! On one of his later CDs, we learned that Phil was, in fact, his real father, because his biological didn’t bother. Aside from several humorously obscure references, Shaq’s rapping also brought us Mark Madsen’s celebration dancing, which is still funny no matter how many times I see it. Thanks for the memories, Shaq.
Mark Madsen, Make-A-Wish Foundation recipient since 2000.
4. 2K6 Soundtracks – For some reason, 2K6 video games decided to flip the switch on sports video game soundtracks last year. Instead of filling their NBA and MLB games with crappy radio hits and/or unlistenable screamo songs, the 2K6 crew went out and decided to fill their games with great indie music. The NBA game’s soundtrack is filled with such artists as RJD2, Blackalicious, Common, Little Brother, Aesop Rock, Redman, The Roots and Aceyalone. The MLB game is power-packed with college radio favorites, including Belle and Sebastian, Yo La Tengo, Pavement, Stephen Malkamus, Interpol, Mogwai and Pretty Girls Make Graves. Just a great collection of artists for these soundtracks. And nothing on earth could have prepared me for the moment when the MLB games’ AI agrees to trade Scott Kasmir for Russ Ortiz straight up, while Le Pastie De La Bourgeoisie blares from my TV speakers. Nothing.
3. Mariah Carey @ 2003 NBA-Star Game – Any male with an active pulse remembers Mariah Carey’s tribute to Michael Jordan during halftime of the 2003 NBA All-Star game. Mariah came out wearing a gown/jersey hybrid of MJ’s. There’s really nothing more I can write about here, so I’ll just let the picture sum things up for you.
P.S. Is it gay that the most attracted I've ever been to Mariah was when she was wearing guy's clothing? On second thought, don't answer that.
And boom goes the dynamite…
2. Whitney Houston’s National Anthem @ Super Bowl XXV – I was 6 when this happened, and I only vaguely remember it. The U.S. was in the midst of Operation Desert Storm, and the entire country was feeling a little bit uneasy. In walks Whitney Houston to bravado the hell out of the National Anthem. Most everyone agrees that this is the best possible version of our Anthem, and that Houston’s rendition sent our Patriotism soaring through the roof. I’ve seen video replays of this and I get chills every time. But as great as this was, for my money it wasn’t even the best National Anthem moment at a sporting event…
1. Maurice Cheeks’s National Anthem Assist – …That would be this one. Let me set the scene for you. By all accounts, Mo Cheeks was/is a stand-up guy and a pretty darn good coach. Unfortunately for him, he’s stuck in basketball coach purgatory. He was coaching the team that was then known as “The Jailblazers”. The team had acquired this nickname because over half of the players on the team had been arrested at some point in their careers, and stories were constantly getting leaked that there were multiple fights in practice daily. So here’s Cheeks, stuck coaching a bunch of thugs in the 2003 NBA playoffs. His team is trailing 2-0, going into the 3rd game at Portland. Enter local singing phenom Natalie Gilbert, age 13. Gilbert begins to sing the National Anthem, but midway through she forgets the words. While everyone braces themselves for a train wreck moment, Portland head coach Maurice Cheeks steps in to save the day. He puts his arm around Gilbert and the two of them finish singing the Anthem together. The whole crowd joins in, and even most of the players start to sing the Anthem as well. What could have been an out-and-out disaster became one of the best moments in professional sports history, in my opinion. I feel strongly that Mo Cheeks will coach a team to an NBA Championship one day, just based on the karma he has built up from this moment.
I was too touched by this moment to even come up with a joke.
Well, that’s it for now. Check back later this week for some of the most depressing things you’ve ever heard.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
HOT/NOT for 7//6/06
It’s time for me to roll out the old hot list, but I’m trying something new this time. In the hopes that I will right less I’m going try this one with a hot and not format. I’ll mention something that I find or is currently hot. And then I’ll mention something in the same wave length that is not hot. Hopefully I explained that clearly, and if I didn’t you should be able to figure it out. Let’s hope this works out for everyone.
HOT: Ipod shuffle songs – For sometime now I’ve felt my ipod is outdated (I have a 3rd gen.) and couldn’t hold enough music for me to fully enjoy it. Then I discovered the shuffle songs option. Thanks to this brilliant option my ipod, as well as my love for it, has been rejuvenated. What the shuffle songs option does is pretty much self explanatory. It randomly selects songs from your ipod and plays them on a play list. I’d forgotten how many great songs were hidden on my ipod, but thanks to shuffle song I’m beginning to remember.
NOT: “My Ipod has changed my life.” – I’ve heard several people say this, I’ve read countless articles in which people have said this. And each time I hear or see this I feel sick. Listen I’m about as big of a music fan as anyone, but an ipod is not a life altering device. It’s a very nice convenience to have and a great music player, but it’s not something that should change your life. Cancer, diabetes, STD’s, chronic diarrhea. These are things that change your life. An portable defibulator or an insulin pump are life changing device, an ipod is not. All an ipod is is a very nice, sexy music player. Ipod’s are great to have and they make the music listening process easier and more enjoyable, but it doesn’t change your life. It changes the way you listen to music. Nothing more, nothing less. Despite what Apple wants you to believe ipod is just about music and entertainment, not lifes.
HOT: Zidane – The wizard has turned back the clock this world cup and looked like the best player in the world. He almost single handedly dominated the Brazilian midfield and did whatever was necessary against Portugal to get his team to the finals. While he’s had a whole lot of help, namely from Henry and Ribery (who’s quietly had a brilliant tournament), Zidane has led by example and been absolutely brilliant during this world cup run.
NOT: Totti and Toni – If someone had told me that Italy was going to be in the finals and that Totti and Toni wouldn’t have been among their top 5 players I would have simultaneously thrown up in my mouth and called them a crazy. Yet somehow Italy is in the final and Totti and Toni have both played like sh*t. Totti has been decent but nowhere near as dominate as he can be. The Italians expected a Zidane like presence in the midfield from Totti* and yet he’s failed to show up in numerous games so far for the Italians. Toni also came into the World Cup with high expectations. He’s a gifted scorer who set an Italian league records for goals scored in a club season. Toni was suppose to be the driving point behind a new look Italian squad that was more offensive minded. Well Toni’s been a bust for most of the cup. He scored his only two goals against a Ukraine team that had no right being in the final 8, let alone the entire tournament. And despite the tremendous no show by these two the Italians are in the final. In related news I know next to nothing about soccer.
Prediction: Despite my lack of knowledge I’m still going to make a prediction on Sunday’s World Cup Final. While it may seem contradictory to what I wrote above, I’m going with the Italians in a 1-0 victory. Both teams have relied on timely goals and stifling defense. The game will probably be bogged down with both teams looking to counterattack the entire game. Italy has been unreal on defense, allowing only an on goal the entire cup. France’s D has also been good, but not to Italy’s level. And France, despite their great play in the knock out round, has struggled offensively all tournament, scoring only 8 goals in 6 games (And they got 5 of those in two games). They’ve been content to get their goal and then sit on their lead. The only problem with that is that Italy doesn’t give up goals. I still feel that the French aren’t strong enough offensively to get a goal against the Italians. I also feel that France’s defensive is more likely to give up a goal then Italy’s. Which is why I’m picking the Italians to raise the Cup** on Sunday.
HOT: Lupe Fiasco – After his song stealing cameo on Kanye West’s Touch the Sky Lupe is back with his first full length album (unless you count mix tapes) called Food and Liquor. While I’ve only heard bits and pieces the CD is pretty great, thanks in part to the fact that it was produced by Kanye. Also the CD’s first single “Kick Push” is about skate boarding. A black rapper rapping about skate boarding, what more could you ask for? Oh yeah and the song’s really, really good. This looks to be a very promising debut album form a very talented young artist.
NOT: Busta – Back in the days of my youth, i.e. 3-4 years ago, I would always claimed to be a Busta Rhymes fan. Despite the fact that the only song of his I could pick out of a line up was the “Busta what it is right now” one I maintain this illusion of fandom. Then late one night I heard Busta’s newest single on the radio and I was out and out appalled. Not only was the song terrible, but it also sounded like every other generic rap artist out there. For shame Busta, for shame.
HOT: Chicago Bulls – Bringing in Big Ben Wallace to anchor a team that was already the best defensive team in the league is just unfair. The Bulls lead the league in Defensive Field Goal % the last two years with the likes of Mike Sweeny, Tyson Chandler and Eddy Curry in the middle. Now they’ve added one of the best defensive big men of all-time in Ben Wallace and another savvy veteran in PJ Brown. Oh yeah they also drafted Tyrus Thomas who just might be the best shot blocker I’ve ever seen at the colligate level. They also unloaded Chandler’s contract and got J.R. Smith, a 20 yr. old Shooting Guard who’s got unreal potential. And they still have enough cap room to sign some of their young core players like Hinrich, Nocconi and Gordon. The future looks very bright for the Bulls.
NOT: NO/OK Hornets – I was going to put fans of the NBA here, because not only is this Bulls team ready to contend for a title for the next few years, but they’re also going to set offensive basketball back light years. But that’s neither here nor there. So far this off-season the Hornets have used up all their cap space, traded away their second best player (J.R. Smith, based on potential) and their club house leader (PJ Brown). Hired a shooter who’s on the decline and can’t play over 65 games a year (Peja). Drafted or traded for 3 centers that have little to know offensive game. And if that wasn’t bad enough they’ll be playing all their home games in a city that’s either underwater or in Oklahoma. Needless to say the future doesn’t look too bright for these Hornets, even with uber-talented douche Chris Paul.
HOT: Letters from Readers Columns – Seriously my best columns are the ones where you write in questions or comments to me. So get on it. Send your questions or comments to anotherwestcoastmorning@rock.com
NOT: Writing the columns myself – Seriously this sh*t is tiring. And my wrist starts to hurt if I type too much.
Well that’s it for now. Holla attcha boy.
Until We Meet Again
* And as my friend Okkyu pointed out he looks like a racist ** I know the trophy is not actually a cup, but I’m too lazy to look up the things name.
HOT: Ipod shuffle songs – For sometime now I’ve felt my ipod is outdated (I have a 3rd gen.) and couldn’t hold enough music for me to fully enjoy it. Then I discovered the shuffle songs option. Thanks to this brilliant option my ipod, as well as my love for it, has been rejuvenated. What the shuffle songs option does is pretty much self explanatory. It randomly selects songs from your ipod and plays them on a play list. I’d forgotten how many great songs were hidden on my ipod, but thanks to shuffle song I’m beginning to remember.
NOT: “My Ipod has changed my life.” – I’ve heard several people say this, I’ve read countless articles in which people have said this. And each time I hear or see this I feel sick. Listen I’m about as big of a music fan as anyone, but an ipod is not a life altering device. It’s a very nice convenience to have and a great music player, but it’s not something that should change your life. Cancer, diabetes, STD’s, chronic diarrhea. These are things that change your life. An portable defibulator or an insulin pump are life changing device, an ipod is not. All an ipod is is a very nice, sexy music player. Ipod’s are great to have and they make the music listening process easier and more enjoyable, but it doesn’t change your life. It changes the way you listen to music. Nothing more, nothing less. Despite what Apple wants you to believe ipod is just about music and entertainment, not lifes.
HOT: Zidane – The wizard has turned back the clock this world cup and looked like the best player in the world. He almost single handedly dominated the Brazilian midfield and did whatever was necessary against Portugal to get his team to the finals. While he’s had a whole lot of help, namely from Henry and Ribery (who’s quietly had a brilliant tournament), Zidane has led by example and been absolutely brilliant during this world cup run.
NOT: Totti and Toni – If someone had told me that Italy was going to be in the finals and that Totti and Toni wouldn’t have been among their top 5 players I would have simultaneously thrown up in my mouth and called them a crazy. Yet somehow Italy is in the final and Totti and Toni have both played like sh*t. Totti has been decent but nowhere near as dominate as he can be. The Italians expected a Zidane like presence in the midfield from Totti* and yet he’s failed to show up in numerous games so far for the Italians. Toni also came into the World Cup with high expectations. He’s a gifted scorer who set an Italian league records for goals scored in a club season. Toni was suppose to be the driving point behind a new look Italian squad that was more offensive minded. Well Toni’s been a bust for most of the cup. He scored his only two goals against a Ukraine team that had no right being in the final 8, let alone the entire tournament. And despite the tremendous no show by these two the Italians are in the final. In related news I know next to nothing about soccer.
Prediction: Despite my lack of knowledge I’m still going to make a prediction on Sunday’s World Cup Final. While it may seem contradictory to what I wrote above, I’m going with the Italians in a 1-0 victory. Both teams have relied on timely goals and stifling defense. The game will probably be bogged down with both teams looking to counterattack the entire game. Italy has been unreal on defense, allowing only an on goal the entire cup. France’s D has also been good, but not to Italy’s level. And France, despite their great play in the knock out round, has struggled offensively all tournament, scoring only 8 goals in 6 games (And they got 5 of those in two games). They’ve been content to get their goal and then sit on their lead. The only problem with that is that Italy doesn’t give up goals. I still feel that the French aren’t strong enough offensively to get a goal against the Italians. I also feel that France’s defensive is more likely to give up a goal then Italy’s. Which is why I’m picking the Italians to raise the Cup** on Sunday.
HOT: Lupe Fiasco – After his song stealing cameo on Kanye West’s Touch the Sky Lupe is back with his first full length album (unless you count mix tapes) called Food and Liquor. While I’ve only heard bits and pieces the CD is pretty great, thanks in part to the fact that it was produced by Kanye. Also the CD’s first single “Kick Push” is about skate boarding. A black rapper rapping about skate boarding, what more could you ask for? Oh yeah and the song’s really, really good. This looks to be a very promising debut album form a very talented young artist.
NOT: Busta – Back in the days of my youth, i.e. 3-4 years ago, I would always claimed to be a Busta Rhymes fan. Despite the fact that the only song of his I could pick out of a line up was the “Busta what it is right now” one I maintain this illusion of fandom. Then late one night I heard Busta’s newest single on the radio and I was out and out appalled. Not only was the song terrible, but it also sounded like every other generic rap artist out there. For shame Busta, for shame.
HOT: Chicago Bulls – Bringing in Big Ben Wallace to anchor a team that was already the best defensive team in the league is just unfair. The Bulls lead the league in Defensive Field Goal % the last two years with the likes of Mike Sweeny, Tyson Chandler and Eddy Curry in the middle. Now they’ve added one of the best defensive big men of all-time in Ben Wallace and another savvy veteran in PJ Brown. Oh yeah they also drafted Tyrus Thomas who just might be the best shot blocker I’ve ever seen at the colligate level. They also unloaded Chandler’s contract and got J.R. Smith, a 20 yr. old Shooting Guard who’s got unreal potential. And they still have enough cap room to sign some of their young core players like Hinrich, Nocconi and Gordon. The future looks very bright for the Bulls.
NOT: NO/OK Hornets – I was going to put fans of the NBA here, because not only is this Bulls team ready to contend for a title for the next few years, but they’re also going to set offensive basketball back light years. But that’s neither here nor there. So far this off-season the Hornets have used up all their cap space, traded away their second best player (J.R. Smith, based on potential) and their club house leader (PJ Brown). Hired a shooter who’s on the decline and can’t play over 65 games a year (Peja). Drafted or traded for 3 centers that have little to know offensive game. And if that wasn’t bad enough they’ll be playing all their home games in a city that’s either underwater or in Oklahoma. Needless to say the future doesn’t look too bright for these Hornets, even with uber-talented douche Chris Paul.
HOT: Letters from Readers Columns – Seriously my best columns are the ones where you write in questions or comments to me. So get on it. Send your questions or comments to anotherwestcoastmorning@rock.com
NOT: Writing the columns myself – Seriously this sh*t is tiring. And my wrist starts to hurt if I type too much.
Well that’s it for now. Holla attcha boy.
Until We Meet Again
* And as my friend Okkyu pointed out he looks like a racist ** I know the trophy is not actually a cup, but I’m too lazy to look up the things name.
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