“Hey Slow Down… I’m a pretentious jackass!”

Before we get to today’s post, there’s something I need to get off my chest. I read an anecdote in the USA Today’s sports page about this week’s college football game between Georgia and Florida. For years, this game has been dubbed “The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.” But this past year, both schools’ presidents said they didn’t want any sports writers or TV announcers referring to this game by that title, because they believe it gives off the impression that the game’s tailgating party is just one giant booze-fest. They also believe this title influences people to become inebriated. Instead of pointing out the absurdity of all of this, I’m instead going to make a similar demand. I want people to stop calling my blog “shitty” or my writing “half-assed” and “more or less plagiarizing.” Because you know what, it just gives people the wrong impression of what I’m all about.* Now on to today’s entry.

As anyone who knows me can attest to, I’m a horrible driver. I drive way to fast, I constantly try to do the “Toyko Drift”, or at least I think I do. I’m not really sure what the hell that is. Anyhow I’m the worst driver when I’m going to work. This is probably because I hate my job, so I’m in a foul mood on my way to work. Another factor would be that I work 30 minutes from my house and generally don’t leave until 15 minutes before my shift starts. So generally I’m driving out of my neighborhood at about 35-40 mph (and for anyone who hasn’t been to my house trust me when I say it takes awhile to get out of my neighborhood).

So the other day on my way to work, I was speeding in my neighborhood and took a wide turn to accommodate for my speed. Luckily for me, I’ve gotten used to my reckless driving, so I can now control it. Needless to say, I stayed in my lane (for the most part) and then waved to a middle-aged couple who was out walking. As I drove by this couple, the woman stopped walking, turned towards my car, clinched her fists, and yelled, “Hey, slow down!” As I drove off, a thought came to me: “What kind of person yells out to a total stranger, when said stranger isn’t really doing anything wrong?”

Was I speeding? A little, yes. I was at 30 mph at the time. Now I’m not about to condone anyone taking turns in a neighborhood at 30 mph, or for that matter anyone driving like me. That said, I was completely in control of my car, drifted at the most a foot and a half out of my lane, and didn’t even come close to hitting anyone or anything. I should also mention that it was 9:40 PM, so there weren’t a lot of cars, people, or anything out and about.

So why on earth did this woman think it was her right to try and be my conscience? Was she a high ranking officer in the Moral Police Department? I may never know. But either way, it got me thinking about the type of person who tells a total stranger to slow down. I mean, what type of person does that? I’ll tell you what kind, a pretentious jackass. I will now, for everyone’s benefit, dissect the psyche of the man or (most likely) woman** who yells at strangers to slow down. Here’s a list of things this person might do or say:

· Says “I’m not religious – I’m spiritual.”

· Loved The Da Vinci Code book(s).

· Refers to himself in the third person. But not by his actual name, but by some gay-ass nickname (i.e. “The Robster was on fire last night.”)

· Makes mix CDs for his significant other with songs by James Blunt and Maroon 5 on it.

· Broke up with someone because a Cosmopolitan quiz convinced her/him that they weren’t compatible.

· Favorite sports teams are: Miami Heat, Pittsburg Steelers, Duke Blue Devils, Detroit Tigers, or St. Louis Cardinals.

· Talks about how he can relate to Tom Cruise’s character in Magnolia because of his relationship with his own father.

· Reads Star Magazine and US Weekly religiously.

· Has someone buy them a hat of a hot playoff team.

· Has read all the Ya Ya Sisterhood books

· Emphasized with Jennifer Aniston after Brad broke up with her

· Says “Oh, I only smoke when I drink,” or “I’m just a social smoker,” after he smokes half of your pack.

· Thinks the characters in Lost are “really deep and well rounded. And furthermore, those back stories about redemption aren’t redundant at all.”

· Still thinks Jerry McGuire and Weakest Link references are cool.

· Throws fake punches at you for a greeting.

· Takes part in a war protest because “It’s the right think to do and it’ll really make a difference.”***

· Votes for Arizona to ban smoking in bars and restaurants.****

· Reads Ann H. Coulter or Arianna Huffington.

· Starts sentences with ‘This one time at band camp…’ because it’s so funny and original.

· Says “I’m just a big kid trapped in an adults body” and then giggles.

Well that’s about it. Feel free to add your own.

Until We Meet Again,

* I apologize for that rant; I’ve clearly been reading too much DJ Gallo as of late. If anyone actually wants to read the story I’m referring to you can find it here: www.ajc.com/sports/content/sports/uga/stories/2006/10/23/1024cocktail.html
** Not trying to be sexist, but men under the age of 45 don’t really care how fast another car they’re not in is driving.
*** Not trying to offend anyone, or even be political, but have the war protests actually done anything? I mean, anything at all?
**** Restaurants I can understand. But bars? It’s a place people go to drown their sorrows and destroy their kidneys. Do they really need fresh air while doing this?