The Track Record

I feel pretty strongly that iPods should have half stars for their star rating system. For those of you unfamiliar with what I’m talking about, iPods allow you to rate all the songs you upload with stars. That way, people who are OCD about their music can then rate all their songs on a scale of 1 to 5. Much to my chagrin, they don’t have half stars. This causes me a lot of stress, because I’m left to wonder what I should do for songs that are better than 4 stars, but not quite worthy of 5. Anyhow, today I’m going to be reviewing several songs that have come out in the past few months, and I will be rating them on a scale of 1 to 5 stars. But unlike those cocky bastards at Apple, my rating system will allow for half stars. Let’s get to the song reviews.

1.) Justin Timberlake – “Lovestoned/I Think She Knows”: Regardless of how much solo success he has, Justin Timberlake will always be remembered as one of the founding members of NSYNC, and the guy who took Britney’s V Card. In many ways, Justin will always be viewed as a teenager. Timberlake realizes all of this, which is why his second album is completely over-sexed. Unfortunately for JT, while he may be grown up, his lyrical stylings are stuck at freshmen prom. When he drops lines like, “She looks like a model, except she’s got a little more ass,” you can almost hear him fearing that someone is going to make him wash his mouth out with soap. Juvenile lyrics aside, there’s a lot of reasons to dislike this song, mainly the excess amount of beat-boxing, and the fact that he’s trying to create a new catch phrase with “Lovestoned.” That said, this is still a really good song. Timberlake gives the song tremendous depth with the best dance beat of the year, and the song’s over-ambition pays off at the 4:40 mark when it becomes the best Coldplay song I’ve ever heard*. All in all, this is a very enjoyable song.
Listen: www.myspace.com/justintimberlake
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars

2.) The Killers – “When You Were Young”: Brandon Flowers, the lead singer of The Killers, claimed that his band’s new album, Sam’s Town, is one of the best albums of the last 15 years. Whether he’s joking or not remains to be seen, but “When You Were Young,” the lead single off the new album, feels like it’s trying to be the lead single off an epic album. This song feels like Flowers is trying to write a generational anthem. And while he fails in that regard, he succeeds in writing a tremendous power pop-rock song. Aside from the fun line, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus,” the song lacks any lyrical depth, but most of the time it’s rocking too hard to even notice.
Listen: www.myspace.com/thekillers
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars

3.) Nick Lachey – “What’s Left Of Me”: While I enjoy this song, it’s far more entertaining than it is good. Lachey croons about how he’s “Half the man I thought I would be” now that Jessica is out of his life. Needless to say, it was a brilliant move by his publicist to try and convey Lachey as a heartbroken divorcee. Nick seems to have won enough sympathy points that fans will overlook the cheesy lyrics and the growing evidence that he can’t really sing.
Listen: www.myspace.com/nicklechey69
Rating: 3 out of 5 Stars

4.) Sunset Rubdown – “Stadiums and Shrines”: I felt my indie street cred slipping after I reviewed three straight Top 40 hits. So to gain back some credibility with the hipster crowd, I’ve decide to review the best song of Spencer Krug, the lead singer from the Wolf Parade side project. Not only is “Stadiums and Shrines” the best song off Sunset’s album, Shut Up I’m Dreaming, but it also sums up the entire band. Lyrically, and at times musically, it’s a little awkward and out there. Musically, it’s a combination of great guitar rock and an almost cartoony collection of an odd assortment of instruments. Needless to say, the song is great and has a couple of soul-owning guitar riffs in it. If you’re unfamiliar with the band, I highly recommend that – at the very least – you check out this song.
Listen: www.myspace.com/sunsetrubdownfans
Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Stars

5.) The Decemberists – “O Valencia”: Anytime an indie band, such as The Decemberists, signs with a major label (in this case, Capitol) their fans always worry that the group will have to compromise their sound in order to sell records. Being a fan of The Decemberists I too was worried that one of my favorite bands might “sell out.” Thankfully, that’s not the case with the Decemberists’s newest album, and major label debut, The Crane Wife. On this song, Colin Meloy continues in his long tradition of writing novellaesque songs. This song tells us about a Romeo and Juliet-type star-crossed lovers, whose families just happen to be rival gangs. Meloy masterfully tells their story, switching moods seamlessly from love to tragedy to revenge. Even on a major label, Meloy is still a writer of fiction**.
Listen: www.myspace.com/thedecemberists
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars

6.) Paris Hilton – “Stars Are Blind”: I realize I’m in danger of losing my non-elitist crowd (if I actually have one), so I’ll now switch back to pop hits. I’ll be honest, I really wanted to hate this song. Unfortunately, Ms. Hilton hired a couple of brilliant song writers and producers. Hilton hired the tandem that does all of Gwen Stefani’s songs, whose names currently escape me. Against my better judgment, I have to admit that this is a perfectly constructed pop song. It’s like one of those songs you’d listen to when you were 12 or 13 and think about life and what love is like***. The only question I have about this song is how mad Gwen must be that this song wasn’t written for her.
Listen: www.myspace.com/parishilton
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Stars

7.) JoJo – Too Little, Too Late: I’m not sure which isworse, this song or the ungodly amount of “I knew she was going to be hot back when she was 13(or howeverold she was when her first single came out)” jokes it spawned. Actually this song isn’t that bad, it’s justignorably tween pop. I’m mean it could be worse, it could be…
Listen: www.myspace.com/jojoonline
Rating: 2.5 out of 5 Stars

8.) Fergie – London Bridge: I give Fergie credit where credits due, she actually made a song that was equally, if not more, obnoxious the ‘My Humps’. This song is an absolute train wreck, an outright musical abortion. If real life was more like wrestling this would be the Anti-Christ’s entrance music.
Listen: www.myspace.com/fergie
Rating: .5 out of 5 Stars

9.) Sparklehorse – Shade and Honey: This will be the last indie track I review, honest. This little diddy is the best song off Sparklehorse’s new album. It’s classic Sparklehorse, meaning it’s a great winter morning song. It also has one of the best opening lines I’ve heard in some time: “I could look at your face for a thousand years. It’s like a civil war of pain and cheers”. I’m not even a women and I kinda want to sleep with Mark Linkous (the band’s lead
singer).
Listen: www.myspace.com/sparklehorse
Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Stars

10.) Adam Stidham – Latest Mistake: Epic. Masterful. Maybe the best song of all time. Stidham is clearly a pure, integredous young man who makes music that all musicians should aspire to make. This virtuous soul can teach us a thing or two about love and life.
Listen: www.myspace.com/adamstidhammusic
Rating: 27 out of 5 Stars

Well that’s it for now. I might post something in the next few days explaining my extended absence and answer some burning questions.

Until We Meet Again

* It doesn’t actually turn into a Coldplay song, it just changes from dance-pop to Brit -rock almost seamlessly.

** My apologizes for that awful, indie pun.

*** For those of you wondering, the song I listened to was “Lovefool” by The Cardigans