So I was planning on writing a long ass post about the NBA Playoffs and how it parallels to the third (and current season) of Lost. Both desperately want you to believe that in the importance of their ensemble. For the league, they want you to believe that all the teams (or at the very least all of the playoff teams) are of equal importance. Lost wants the viewers to believe that all the characters are of equal importance. The problem with this is, Lost has gone out of its way this season to show us that really only 4-6 characters matter in the grand scheme of things. Likewise, the NBA season has shown that really only 3 teams matter (Dallas, San Antonio and Phoenix). That’s the real reason this season has been so terrible. Everyone with half a brain knows that one of those 3 teams is going to win it all, yet we’ve been force to watch a bunch of other teams that have no shot at winning the title this year. This is also why this season of Lost has blown (although they’ve started to pick it up the last few episodes). The show has already made it clear that only a few of the characters factor in to the big picture, yet they routinely make episodes about the characters who they’ve all but told us don’t matter.
Anyways, I decided not to write that because it would have taken to long. Also, any time I write about sports I get way too long winded and don’t know how to curtail myself. So I decided to do something completely different. Explanation below.
My boy Aaron and I haven’t kept in the best of touch since I moved out to Denver, which is unfortunate. Instead of keeping in touch via phone calls and letters like normal human beings, we decided to simulate the conversations we would be having if we still lived in the same town. We’ve also decided to share those conversations with you. In bold print you’ll find the “Would You Rather Questions” that Aaron asked me. If you check out his blog, you’ll find his answers to the questions that I asked him. I’m really not sure when he’ll finish answering my questions, but here’s the address: blog.myspace.com/thebrightside2
If you were sentenced to death, would you rather have your last meal be the greatest meal you ever ate and a conjugal visit from whomever you want … or no meal and no conjugality but you get a 10% chance you’ll be pardoned by the governor?
This is a loaded question. I feel like I’d have to go with the first option. Even if the low percentage chance that the Govern would pardon me happpened, how can I guarantee that the rest of my life would be better then the best meal of my life and a conjugal visit with anyone I wanted? As a man with a gambling problem, I’d bet the great meal and conjugal visit would treat me better then the rest of my life even if I did get the pardon. And if the odds hold true and I don’t get pardoned, then I’d wasted a great meal and great sex. Ok, maybe this question isn’t as loaded as I thought it was.
Would you rather have the ability to pass any test, this means you get the equivalent of an A on anything from a final to a PhD to a field sobriety test, however you don’t retain any knowledge of the subject… or you develop a photographic memory and the ability to read an entire book in a few hours and retain all that you’ve read but you inevitably fail any test you take?
Jebus, another loaded question. I think that how you answer this question says a lot about you. Would you rather have intelligence or achievement, that’s what it boils down to. I think I’d have to go with the photographic memory. At least that way I’d still be intelligent and the life of any cocktail party. Yeah, I’;m taking intelligence over achievement. I feel like that’s where I’m headed anyway, an intelligent person who will most likely achieve very little. Except replace intelligence with ‘was kinda smart that one time…’,
Would you rather be a starting pitcher for the Oakland A’s with an ERA of 1.46 and a 1.46 inch penis or a mid-relieving pitcher for the Kansas City Royals with an ERA of 9.53 and a 9.53 inch penis?
Well, I’d be living in Kansas City or Oakland. So as far as I can tell, I’m f*cked either way. I think gun to my head I’d rather be the pitcher in Oakland. At least then I’d be rich, or at least I would be once my contract with the A’s ran out. Then I’d have enough money for some sort of penial enlargement surgery or device (insert your own dated and unfunny Austin Powers ‘Swedish Maid Penis Pump’ joke here). That, and if I were playing in Oakland there’s the slight chance that I might get put into Billie Bean’s follow up to "Money Ball".
If you were up for adoption would you rather be adopted by Shaq or Johnny Depp?
Shaq. I have enough problems with the fairer sex as is, but if Johnny Depp was my adopted father I’d be an out and out train wreck. Even the most well meaning of girls would only want to hang out with me for a chance to meet my father, and I just couldn’t handle that. That and having a huge man crush on my father would just be awkward for everyone involved.
If you could travel to the future and take something thing back with you would you rather have a Playstation 5 (with two games) or the entire series of Veronica Mars in a box set (9 seasons)?
I’m going have to go with surprise option C here. I’d pull a Biff Tannen and bring back a Sports Almanac. Also, this is probably the only way I’d ever make money at a Vegas Sports book.
On a semi-unrelated note, I’d willingly forgo a time traveling trip if I knew that Veronica Mars would be on for 9 Seasons. I hate that I actually mean that.Would you rather have a horse tail or only one foot?
Horse tail, much easier to cover up. And unlike having one foot, I feel like I could still do most of the things I love with a horse tail. Although visiting water parks would become incredibly difficult.
Would you rather die in a fist fight with a bionic grizzly bear or in a naked tickle fight with Randy?
Is this a serious question? I’d much rather die fighting a Grizzly Bear. Even though it’d be far more painful, at least then I’d die with some of my dignity intact.
Until We Meet Again
Friday, April 27, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
30 Second Album Reviews
Now I know what you’re all thinking “Hey, Calvin hasn’t written a really long, over blown post about music I don’t care about or don’t listen to in awhile. What gives?”. Well don’t fear dear readers, because I’m about to talk about a sh*t ton of music that most people haven’t heard of or would never listen to. Get excited! So just sit back and relax, because this post is going be way to long!
Studies show that it takes the average person 30 seconds to read a 6 sentence paragraph*. In light of that information, I’ve decided to debut my newest gimmick: 30 Second Album Reviews.
As most of you should know, I listen to an inane amount of music. In an attempt to justify that, I’m going to be giving paragraph(s) reviews to some of the albums I’ve been listening to as of late. The Albums rating will be on a scale of 1 to 10. Here goes:
Andrew Bird – Armchair Apocrypha
I feel like I’ve already sufficiently proclaimed this album’s awesomeness. Suffice to say it’s for albums like this that I listen to music.
Rating: 9.9 (I’ll give myself some wiggle room here)
Modest Mouse – We Were Dead Before the Ship Sank
A lot of reviews criticized Modest Mouse for trying to write pop songs. I find this critique rather odd, because while this album is definitely the most poppy in their discography, all the songs distinctly sound like them. It’s not like they sold out and quite frankly this album is sufficiently better then 2004’s ‘‘Good News for People Who Love Bad News’’. So what I’m saying is, don’t believe the negative reviews, this album is very good. The highlight songs are: Missed the Boat**, Spitting Venom, Little Motel, Parting of the Sensory.
Rating: 7.7
Jill Cunniff – City Beach
Jill Cunniff was one of the founding members of Luscious Jackson, a band I never listened to and that 99% of you have never heard of. Now that we have that fun fact out of the way, let’s talk about Ms. Cunniff’s brilliant debut album. Sometime this summer mainstream critics are going catch wind of this album write reviews calling Cunniff ‘A mellower Frou Frou’ or ‘An indie Kylie Minogue’. These reviews will all be (mostly) wrong, because while there maybe some similarities between Cunniff and those artists, none of those comparisons do “City Beach” justice. What this album most reminds me of is a female version of ‘Odelay’. Now I’m not saying that “City Beach” should even be mentioned in the same breathe as Beck’s masterpiece, but that’s just what it sounds the most like. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this album is really good, and you should probably check it out.
Rating: 8.3
Arcade Fire – Neon Bible
I should start by saying that I think this album is better then ‘‘Funeral’’, the Fire’s debut album. That said, I like ‘‘Funeral’’ better. Now I realize those are contradictory statements, so please allow me to explain myself. ‘‘Neon Bible” is better, by a very slim margin, then ‘‘Funeral’’ in almost every way. However, what ‘‘Funeral’’ has over ‘‘Neon Bible’’ is/was its freshness. ‘‘Funeral’’ came completely out of nowhere. When I first heard ‘‘Funeral’’ I immediately loved it. And because it was so unexpected, I felt like I was in the honeymoon phase of a relationship every time I listened to it. There’s just no possible way that ‘‘Neon Bible’’, despite being better, can capture that great feeling that ‘‘Funeral’’ had/has. Either way though, ‘‘Neon Bible’’ is still an amazing album and will probably be one of the best albums I hear this year. Also, as previously documented in this space, (Antichrist Television Blues) is on the short list for song of the year.
Rating: 9.4
Wilco – Sky Blue Sky
Um, I’m still not entirely sure of what to do with this album. It’s really good; it’s just not at all what I expected. This album sounds more like classic southern rock then the indie rock you’d expect from Wilco. I suppose this is the logical extension for Wilco to take ever since Summerteeth. I mean, the logical extension of Alt. Country is Southern Rock right? Either way, this album sounds like the best Allman Brothers record ever, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Also, like all Wilco albums, this one’s a grower. Meaning I like this album more and more each time I listen to it. If I have any complaints at all about this record it’s that a lyricists as talented as Jeff Tweedy shouldn’t have this many long guitar solos in one of his albums. It’s still really, really good, it just wasn’t what I was expecting at all.
Rating: 8.5
Do Make Say Think – You, You’re A History in Rust
This is probably the best Post-Rock album I’ve ever heard. I’d describe it for you, but it would just be awkwardly written and probably incorrect. If I tried to describe Post-Rock all I’d do is name drop obscure bands and use way too many adjectives. So for your sake, I won’t even try. And since I have nothing else to add here I’ll use this space to point out that Paolo Nutini (google him if you don’t know who he is) looks just like Penelope Cruz.
Rating: 8.5
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – Living with the Living
In the battle to see who can put out the most similar sounding albums, Ted Leo and company inch closer to Starflyer 59 with their 5th album. Now I don’t mean that last sentence to sound like an insult to either Ted Leo or SF59 (abbreviations are fun!). Both bands put out great music on every record and they both have their own distinct sound that they subtly expanded on with each release. I’ve always liked bands that know what they do well and stick with it. This has always been the case for Ted Leo and co. and this is another solid album for them. Also, ‘The Unwanted Things’, which might be the best song he’s ever written.
Rating: 7.3
Explosions in the Sky – All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone
For their 4th album Explosions changed things up, sort of. They’ve cut about 2-3 minutes off all of their songs, which should make their music more acceptable to the masses. Remarkably though, the band still holds on to the best and most powerful part of their music: the silence. I’ve never heard a band, post-rock or other wise, that utilities silence quite like these Texans. I’m not really sure if this is there best effort to date, but at the very least it’s 1B to “those who tell the truth…”. Again I’d like to explain more about this album, but for everyone’s sanity I won’t.
Rating: 8.2
Bloc Party – A Weekend in the City
This is my front runner for most disappointing album of the year. Whoever produced this thing deserves to be shot. On Bloc Party’s debut album, “Silent Alarm”, the drumming was extremely high in the mix and it sounded like some of the best drumming I’ve ever heard on an album. It made every song. Yet for some reason the drumming on this album have been shoved down into the middle of the mix, thus ruining the main thing that made Bloc Party so great. Fans of this record will argue that the song writing is better on this album, but who gives a sh*t? If I wanted to hear a presumably gay guy write moving Brit Rock songs I’d listen to Coldplay. Shame on whoever decided to lower the drums in the mix for this album and shame on Bloc Party for allowing it.
Rating: 5.0
The Shins – Wincing the Night Away
As you’ve probably heard by now, The Shins went electronic on their newest album. Sometimes it works out splendidly, like the first four songs, especially “Sleeping Lessons”. Sometimes it doesn’t work out as well, like on songs 5-10. However, the last song on the album rights the ship and the album ends on a high note. This album has some incredible highlights, but it’s the weakest record The Shins have ever put out. I guess a drop off should have been expected, seeing as how their first two albums were magnificent. Hopefully this will get rid of all the bandwagon, Garden State fans who find their lives the exact same after hearing this album.
Rating: 7.5
Until We Meet Again
* Stat possibly made up by the author because he thought ’30 Second Album Reviews’ sounded cool.
** The bands best song since 3rd Planet.
Studies show that it takes the average person 30 seconds to read a 6 sentence paragraph*. In light of that information, I’ve decided to debut my newest gimmick: 30 Second Album Reviews.
As most of you should know, I listen to an inane amount of music. In an attempt to justify that, I’m going to be giving paragraph(s) reviews to some of the albums I’ve been listening to as of late. The Albums rating will be on a scale of 1 to 10. Here goes:
Andrew Bird – Armchair Apocrypha
I feel like I’ve already sufficiently proclaimed this album’s awesomeness. Suffice to say it’s for albums like this that I listen to music.
Rating: 9.9 (I’ll give myself some wiggle room here)
Modest Mouse – We Were Dead Before the Ship Sank
A lot of reviews criticized Modest Mouse for trying to write pop songs. I find this critique rather odd, because while this album is definitely the most poppy in their discography, all the songs distinctly sound like them. It’s not like they sold out and quite frankly this album is sufficiently better then 2004’s ‘‘Good News for People Who Love Bad News’’. So what I’m saying is, don’t believe the negative reviews, this album is very good. The highlight songs are: Missed the Boat**, Spitting Venom, Little Motel, Parting of the Sensory.
Rating: 7.7
Jill Cunniff – City Beach
Jill Cunniff was one of the founding members of Luscious Jackson, a band I never listened to and that 99% of you have never heard of. Now that we have that fun fact out of the way, let’s talk about Ms. Cunniff’s brilliant debut album. Sometime this summer mainstream critics are going catch wind of this album write reviews calling Cunniff ‘A mellower Frou Frou’ or ‘An indie Kylie Minogue’. These reviews will all be (mostly) wrong, because while there maybe some similarities between Cunniff and those artists, none of those comparisons do “City Beach” justice. What this album most reminds me of is a female version of ‘Odelay’. Now I’m not saying that “City Beach” should even be mentioned in the same breathe as Beck’s masterpiece, but that’s just what it sounds the most like. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this album is really good, and you should probably check it out.
Rating: 8.3
Arcade Fire – Neon Bible
I should start by saying that I think this album is better then ‘‘Funeral’’, the Fire’s debut album. That said, I like ‘‘Funeral’’ better. Now I realize those are contradictory statements, so please allow me to explain myself. ‘‘Neon Bible” is better, by a very slim margin, then ‘‘Funeral’’ in almost every way. However, what ‘‘Funeral’’ has over ‘‘Neon Bible’’ is/was its freshness. ‘‘Funeral’’ came completely out of nowhere. When I first heard ‘‘Funeral’’ I immediately loved it. And because it was so unexpected, I felt like I was in the honeymoon phase of a relationship every time I listened to it. There’s just no possible way that ‘‘Neon Bible’’, despite being better, can capture that great feeling that ‘‘Funeral’’ had/has. Either way though, ‘‘Neon Bible’’ is still an amazing album and will probably be one of the best albums I hear this year. Also, as previously documented in this space, (Antichrist Television Blues) is on the short list for song of the year.
Rating: 9.4
Wilco – Sky Blue Sky
Um, I’m still not entirely sure of what to do with this album. It’s really good; it’s just not at all what I expected. This album sounds more like classic southern rock then the indie rock you’d expect from Wilco. I suppose this is the logical extension for Wilco to take ever since Summerteeth. I mean, the logical extension of Alt. Country is Southern Rock right? Either way, this album sounds like the best Allman Brothers record ever, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Also, like all Wilco albums, this one’s a grower. Meaning I like this album more and more each time I listen to it. If I have any complaints at all about this record it’s that a lyricists as talented as Jeff Tweedy shouldn’t have this many long guitar solos in one of his albums. It’s still really, really good, it just wasn’t what I was expecting at all.
Rating: 8.5
Do Make Say Think – You, You’re A History in Rust
This is probably the best Post-Rock album I’ve ever heard. I’d describe it for you, but it would just be awkwardly written and probably incorrect. If I tried to describe Post-Rock all I’d do is name drop obscure bands and use way too many adjectives. So for your sake, I won’t even try. And since I have nothing else to add here I’ll use this space to point out that Paolo Nutini (google him if you don’t know who he is) looks just like Penelope Cruz.
Rating: 8.5
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – Living with the Living
In the battle to see who can put out the most similar sounding albums, Ted Leo and company inch closer to Starflyer 59 with their 5th album. Now I don’t mean that last sentence to sound like an insult to either Ted Leo or SF59 (abbreviations are fun!). Both bands put out great music on every record and they both have their own distinct sound that they subtly expanded on with each release. I’ve always liked bands that know what they do well and stick with it. This has always been the case for Ted Leo and co. and this is another solid album for them. Also, ‘The Unwanted Things’, which might be the best song he’s ever written.
Rating: 7.3
Explosions in the Sky – All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone
For their 4th album Explosions changed things up, sort of. They’ve cut about 2-3 minutes off all of their songs, which should make their music more acceptable to the masses. Remarkably though, the band still holds on to the best and most powerful part of their music: the silence. I’ve never heard a band, post-rock or other wise, that utilities silence quite like these Texans. I’m not really sure if this is there best effort to date, but at the very least it’s 1B to “those who tell the truth…”. Again I’d like to explain more about this album, but for everyone’s sanity I won’t.
Rating: 8.2
Bloc Party – A Weekend in the City
This is my front runner for most disappointing album of the year. Whoever produced this thing deserves to be shot. On Bloc Party’s debut album, “Silent Alarm”, the drumming was extremely high in the mix and it sounded like some of the best drumming I’ve ever heard on an album. It made every song. Yet for some reason the drumming on this album have been shoved down into the middle of the mix, thus ruining the main thing that made Bloc Party so great. Fans of this record will argue that the song writing is better on this album, but who gives a sh*t? If I wanted to hear a presumably gay guy write moving Brit Rock songs I’d listen to Coldplay. Shame on whoever decided to lower the drums in the mix for this album and shame on Bloc Party for allowing it.
Rating: 5.0
The Shins – Wincing the Night Away
As you’ve probably heard by now, The Shins went electronic on their newest album. Sometimes it works out splendidly, like the first four songs, especially “Sleeping Lessons”. Sometimes it doesn’t work out as well, like on songs 5-10. However, the last song on the album rights the ship and the album ends on a high note. This album has some incredible highlights, but it’s the weakest record The Shins have ever put out. I guess a drop off should have been expected, seeing as how their first two albums were magnificent. Hopefully this will get rid of all the bandwagon, Garden State fans who find their lives the exact same after hearing this album.
Rating: 7.5
Until We Meet Again
* Stat possibly made up by the author because he thought ’30 Second Album Reviews’ sounded cool.
** The bands best song since 3rd Planet.
Friday, April 13, 2007
My Two Cents
Since I’m busy as h-e-double hockey stick this week, I don’t really have time to write out a full blog. However, I do have enough time to weigh in on some hot button issues in the world of sports while procrastinating on my homework. Here goes:
Disrespecting the Knicks:
You may have heard about the New York Knicks players getting upset at the Chicago Bulls for trying to run the score up on them. The Bulls claim they were merely trying to reach 100 points so that their fans could get a free Big Mac. The Knicks, however, felt it was very poor form and extremely disrespectful. This is the second time this year that the Knicks have cried about teams running up the score on them.
Really, if you suck so much that teams can run up the score on you, respect may not be the main issue you should be focusing on. Also keep in mind that the Knicks aren’t a high school girls team, and they’re actually getting paid millions of dollars to play the game of basketball. Personally, I can’t get enough of this story. Instead of actually doing something about their sh*tty play, the Knicks decide to complain to the media about someone else’s poor sportsmanship. I’m still not entirely convinced this isn’t a joke. If you’re still worried about sportsmanship when you’re making millions of dollars to play a game, then you’ve got some serious sensitivity issues. I feel like Charles Oakley needs to come in and teach these Knicks a lesson in not being a p*ssy.
Pacman Jones:
Tennesse Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones has been suspended for the entire NFL season. I don’t really have anything to add here except that this man needs his own reality TV show. They could call it “My Year-Long Vacation” or “The Off-Season” or “When You Make It Rain, It Pours.” Actually I don’t care what they call it, but Pacman has more than earned the right to have cameras on him 24/7. I mean, this guy couldn’t stay out of trouble when he was playing football, so what’s he going to do now that his life has absolutely no structure? All I know is that this can’t end well for Pacman (or the world). Also, how do you get a nickname like Pacman and what exactly does it mean?
Don Imus vs. Rutgers:
Just in case you’ve been avoiding TV for the past week or so, I’ll explain this situation. Radio host Don Imus called the Rutger’s women’s basketball team, “Some nappy-haired hos.” Since Don Imus is white, he’s not allowed to make this type of remark. I’m not saying this type of remark is ever OK, just that this wouldn’t even be a story if this had been said by someone of color*. Anyways, everyone is now falling over themselves to crucify Imus, who really isn’t worth the effort, being that he’s a psychotic and senile old curmudgeon, but that’s neither here nor there. I think this whole mess is summed up best by my co-worker, and amateur sociologist, Rick:
“Only a ho gets mad when you call her a ho.”
Too true.
Until We Meet Again
* Is it just me or does it seem more racist when you say color instead of black?
Disrespecting the Knicks:
You may have heard about the New York Knicks players getting upset at the Chicago Bulls for trying to run the score up on them. The Bulls claim they were merely trying to reach 100 points so that their fans could get a free Big Mac. The Knicks, however, felt it was very poor form and extremely disrespectful. This is the second time this year that the Knicks have cried about teams running up the score on them.
Really, if you suck so much that teams can run up the score on you, respect may not be the main issue you should be focusing on. Also keep in mind that the Knicks aren’t a high school girls team, and they’re actually getting paid millions of dollars to play the game of basketball. Personally, I can’t get enough of this story. Instead of actually doing something about their sh*tty play, the Knicks decide to complain to the media about someone else’s poor sportsmanship. I’m still not entirely convinced this isn’t a joke. If you’re still worried about sportsmanship when you’re making millions of dollars to play a game, then you’ve got some serious sensitivity issues. I feel like Charles Oakley needs to come in and teach these Knicks a lesson in not being a p*ssy.
Pacman Jones:
Tennesse Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones has been suspended for the entire NFL season. I don’t really have anything to add here except that this man needs his own reality TV show. They could call it “My Year-Long Vacation” or “The Off-Season” or “When You Make It Rain, It Pours.” Actually I don’t care what they call it, but Pacman has more than earned the right to have cameras on him 24/7. I mean, this guy couldn’t stay out of trouble when he was playing football, so what’s he going to do now that his life has absolutely no structure? All I know is that this can’t end well for Pacman (or the world). Also, how do you get a nickname like Pacman and what exactly does it mean?
Don Imus vs. Rutgers:
Just in case you’ve been avoiding TV for the past week or so, I’ll explain this situation. Radio host Don Imus called the Rutger’s women’s basketball team, “Some nappy-haired hos.” Since Don Imus is white, he’s not allowed to make this type of remark. I’m not saying this type of remark is ever OK, just that this wouldn’t even be a story if this had been said by someone of color*. Anyways, everyone is now falling over themselves to crucify Imus, who really isn’t worth the effort, being that he’s a psychotic and senile old curmudgeon, but that’s neither here nor there. I think this whole mess is summed up best by my co-worker, and amateur sociologist, Rick:
“Only a ho gets mad when you call her a ho.”
Too true.
Until We Meet Again
* Is it just me or does it seem more racist when you say color instead of black?
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Commercial Review
Like the rest of America, I’ve been glued to the television for the past three weeks, soaking up the beauty that is March Madness.
(Side Note: This was probably the worst tournament in recent memory, just terrible all the way around. My heart was also broken for poor Greg Oden on Monday night. He was heads and shoulders above everyone else on the floor, and his teammates let him down in every way imaginable. If I were Oden, I would have walked off the floor with about 5 minutes left to protest my team’s collective sh*tting of the bed. Anyhow, enough with my rant; back to the blog.)
While most bloggers are now writing some sort of tournament wrap-up – praising the obnoxiously brilliant Gators and making unfunny jokes about how old Mr. Oden looks* – I’ve decided to go in another direction. Today I’ll be reviewing the most prominent commercials of the NCAA Tournament. Here goes:
Coke: Coca-Cola
The Commercial: An unassuming 30-something addresses the camera and says, “When I was younger and my grandpa was a coach, I didn’t share his love for the game. So he said, ‘Come be my ball-boy and I’ll buy you a Coke.’ So I did it. A few years later, I was playing in the Sweet 16 and I wasn’t sure if my grandpa could make it. So I called him up and said that if he came to the game, I’d buy him a Coke. He simply said, ‘I’ll be there.’”
Wow, that’s moving…
The Message: If your loved ones don’t care enough to come support you on one of the most important days of your life, try bribing them with a Coke.
Cingular: Cingular Wireless
The Commercial: In these ads, a wise crackin’ Asian spokesperson repeatedly belittles his white friend for not having Cingular as his wireless coverage. They’ve been running these ads for a few years now, and every time I see them a single question comes to my mind: “Why the hell is the white guy friends with that d-bag?” I mean, if any of my friends were ever seriously offended by my wireless network, they wouldn’t be my friend anymore. I realize the commercials point is to make the viewer aware of Cingular’s awesomeness, but are there actually people out there who feel that strongly about cell phone coverage? I mean, I only make fun of my friends for things like body weight, inability to get a “lady,” and their parents being separated.
The Message: Switch to Cingular, or else your friends will openly mock you about your wireless coverage. Also, Asians are much cooler than Caucasians.
Gatorade: Gatorade AM
The Commercial: Gatorade has a new product out called Gatorade AM. Apparently, it’s entirely different than regular Gatorade, because this is Gatorade you can drink in the morning. I mainly bring this commercial up because Kevin Garnett looks great in his milkman outfit, and Peyton Manning patting his ass is even better.
After seeing this ad I wondered if Gatorade would reimburse me for all the non-Gatorade AM’s I drank during the mornings of basketball and soccer two-a-days. Also, can you drink Gatorade AM after noon? And if so, is it still Gatorade AM or does it then become just Gatorade?
The Message: You can’t drink regular Gatorade in the morning anymore.
Smith & Barney: Financial Advisor
The Commercial: This is a series of commercials in with the camera pans in on people lost deep in thought. We then hear a voiceover of their internal dialogues. These people are thinking about some heavy-duty sh*t, and apparently this is the kind a thing you can talk to a Smith and Barney financial advisor about, because all the commercials end with a guy saying, “Throw out the notions of what you think you can talk to a financial advisor about. Smith and Barney.”
I’m not at the point in my life where I need to speak to a financial advisor, but I do have an idea of how to make these commercials better. Have a couple, both lost in thought. We see that the woman’s voiceover is all about this serious financial stuff. Then we pan to the guy, who’s just thinking about gross sexual things. Like the woman’s voice over would say: “I don’t know what we’re going to do when John retires,” or “What about the kids going to college?”
And then the man’s voiceover would be like: “I’d love to have sex with a black chick,” or “I wonder if Cheryl would want to have a threesome with my secretary.”
I feel like this commercial would be more accurate and would probably persuade me to go talk to a financial advisor at Smith and Barney.
The Message: You can talk to your financial advisor about anything. Including (presumably) sodomy.
Enterprise: Car Rental
The Commercial: They’ve been running these same ads since 1995, so you’ve probably seen them before.
The Message: It’s 2007, and Enterprise still picks you up in a gift-wrapped car.
Pontiac: Convertible Freedom
The Commercial: This ad campaign is fairly simple. They just have a bunch of people sit against a black screen spouting anti-convertible propaganda. I find it hard to fathom that anyone would actually be against convertibles. I find it even harder to believe that people would be more apt to buy a convertible based on these anti-convertible stances.
Honestly, none of this adds up. Apparently the masterminds behind Applebee’s Gilligan’s Island ads and McDonalds’s commercials from the last decade have been hired by Pontiac. I mean, honest to gawd, who the hell thinks these commercials are funny? Well, probably my boy Joe Hickle**
The Message: Apparently there are people in this world who are anti-convertible. Buy a convertible to show these people who’s the boss of your life. Or something.
Until We Meet Again
* While I don’t approve of unfunny jokes about how old Greg Oden looks, me and my friends who I was watching the game with decided that he was probably able to buy beer at age 12.
** While in Vegas, my older brother Max figured out that every time you see a commercial and wonder ‘Who would laugh at this?’ Joe Hickle is probably laughing at that commercial.
(Side Note: This was probably the worst tournament in recent memory, just terrible all the way around. My heart was also broken for poor Greg Oden on Monday night. He was heads and shoulders above everyone else on the floor, and his teammates let him down in every way imaginable. If I were Oden, I would have walked off the floor with about 5 minutes left to protest my team’s collective sh*tting of the bed. Anyhow, enough with my rant; back to the blog.)
While most bloggers are now writing some sort of tournament wrap-up – praising the obnoxiously brilliant Gators and making unfunny jokes about how old Mr. Oden looks* – I’ve decided to go in another direction. Today I’ll be reviewing the most prominent commercials of the NCAA Tournament. Here goes:
Coke: Coca-Cola
The Commercial: An unassuming 30-something addresses the camera and says, “When I was younger and my grandpa was a coach, I didn’t share his love for the game. So he said, ‘Come be my ball-boy and I’ll buy you a Coke.’ So I did it. A few years later, I was playing in the Sweet 16 and I wasn’t sure if my grandpa could make it. So I called him up and said that if he came to the game, I’d buy him a Coke. He simply said, ‘I’ll be there.’”
Wow, that’s moving…
The Message: If your loved ones don’t care enough to come support you on one of the most important days of your life, try bribing them with a Coke.
Cingular: Cingular Wireless
The Commercial: In these ads, a wise crackin’ Asian spokesperson repeatedly belittles his white friend for not having Cingular as his wireless coverage. They’ve been running these ads for a few years now, and every time I see them a single question comes to my mind: “Why the hell is the white guy friends with that d-bag?” I mean, if any of my friends were ever seriously offended by my wireless network, they wouldn’t be my friend anymore. I realize the commercials point is to make the viewer aware of Cingular’s awesomeness, but are there actually people out there who feel that strongly about cell phone coverage? I mean, I only make fun of my friends for things like body weight, inability to get a “lady,” and their parents being separated.
The Message: Switch to Cingular, or else your friends will openly mock you about your wireless coverage. Also, Asians are much cooler than Caucasians.
Gatorade: Gatorade AM
The Commercial: Gatorade has a new product out called Gatorade AM. Apparently, it’s entirely different than regular Gatorade, because this is Gatorade you can drink in the morning. I mainly bring this commercial up because Kevin Garnett looks great in his milkman outfit, and Peyton Manning patting his ass is even better.
After seeing this ad I wondered if Gatorade would reimburse me for all the non-Gatorade AM’s I drank during the mornings of basketball and soccer two-a-days. Also, can you drink Gatorade AM after noon? And if so, is it still Gatorade AM or does it then become just Gatorade?
The Message: You can’t drink regular Gatorade in the morning anymore.
Smith & Barney: Financial Advisor
The Commercial: This is a series of commercials in with the camera pans in on people lost deep in thought. We then hear a voiceover of their internal dialogues. These people are thinking about some heavy-duty sh*t, and apparently this is the kind a thing you can talk to a Smith and Barney financial advisor about, because all the commercials end with a guy saying, “Throw out the notions of what you think you can talk to a financial advisor about. Smith and Barney.”
I’m not at the point in my life where I need to speak to a financial advisor, but I do have an idea of how to make these commercials better. Have a couple, both lost in thought. We see that the woman’s voiceover is all about this serious financial stuff. Then we pan to the guy, who’s just thinking about gross sexual things. Like the woman’s voice over would say: “I don’t know what we’re going to do when John retires,” or “What about the kids going to college?”
And then the man’s voiceover would be like: “I’d love to have sex with a black chick,” or “I wonder if Cheryl would want to have a threesome with my secretary.”
I feel like this commercial would be more accurate and would probably persuade me to go talk to a financial advisor at Smith and Barney.
The Message: You can talk to your financial advisor about anything. Including (presumably) sodomy.
Enterprise: Car Rental
The Commercial: They’ve been running these same ads since 1995, so you’ve probably seen them before.
The Message: It’s 2007, and Enterprise still picks you up in a gift-wrapped car.
Pontiac: Convertible Freedom
The Commercial: This ad campaign is fairly simple. They just have a bunch of people sit against a black screen spouting anti-convertible propaganda. I find it hard to fathom that anyone would actually be against convertibles. I find it even harder to believe that people would be more apt to buy a convertible based on these anti-convertible stances.
Honestly, none of this adds up. Apparently the masterminds behind Applebee’s Gilligan’s Island ads and McDonalds’s commercials from the last decade have been hired by Pontiac. I mean, honest to gawd, who the hell thinks these commercials are funny? Well, probably my boy Joe Hickle**
The Message: Apparently there are people in this world who are anti-convertible. Buy a convertible to show these people who’s the boss of your life. Or something.
Until We Meet Again
* While I don’t approve of unfunny jokes about how old Greg Oden looks, me and my friends who I was watching the game with decided that he was probably able to buy beer at age 12.
** While in Vegas, my older brother Max figured out that every time you see a commercial and wonder ‘Who would laugh at this?’ Joe Hickle is probably laughing at that commercial.
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