One Shining Moment

So that glorious time of year is upon us again, it’s Spring time which means it’s also time for March Madness. The Best three weeks of the year our upon us and while everyone and their mother will be putting out bracket previews, predictions, pointers, etc. I’ve decided to go a different route. I’m going to give you a little preview of what the announcers will say during the games, as well as some things they’ll be thinking but won’t say. You see, for every game the announcers will have a couple of factoids and anecdotes to share about the teams and their players. Almost none of these factoids will be interesting or necessary, but that will not stop them. So here’s a brief run down about what the announcers will and won’t say.

Stanford
What They’ll Say: Stanford has twins!?!?!?!? Brooke and Robin Lopez!?!?!?!!? Here’s a fun little montage on how you can tell twins apart!?!?!?!?!!?
What They’ll Forget to Mention: Mr. and Mrs. Lopez obviously wanted girls since they gave their sons uber feminine names. The Lopez twins also obviously want to be girls since they love Disney cartoons and their favorite pop star is Michael Jackson. Also the easy way to tell the Lopez twins apart is as follows: The clean cut twin (Brooke) is ‘Business Class’ Lopez, while the one with the afro (Robin) is ‘Ready to Party in Europe’ Lopez. They’ll also fail to mention that the Lopez twins would be a far more enjoyable tandem if their names were Cliff and Biff.

Duke
What They’ll Say: Duke is winning on heart, scrappy defense and 3-point shooting.
What They’ll Forget to Mention: Duke is winning with white guys and non-threatening black guys. Just the way Coach K likes it.

UCLA
What They’ll Say: Kevin Love can hit the back board with a chest pass from the opposite free throw line!?!?!?!!? That’s almost and 80 feet pass!?!?!!?!? How f*cking awesome is that!?!?!?!?!!? Also Kevin Love is related to the vast majority of the Beach Boys, namely Brian Wilson and Mike Love.
What They’ll Forget to Mention: If the sports media had their way you’d be awarded five points for throwing a chest pass and hitting the back board from behind your own free throw line. Why, because it’s that effing cool. They’ll also fail to mention that his father Stan is bat sh*t crazy. He tried to manipulate a then mentally ill Wilson into gaining control of the Beach Boys (possible hyperbole) and he also tried to get his son’s high school coach fired. Mark Shoff, Kevin’s HS coach, didn’t start Kevin for a game because Kevin got mono and missed practiced. The next day Stan went to the high school to hand out “Fire Shoff” t-shirts and buttons*. And no, he wasn’t joking.

Memphis
What They’ll Say: Memphis point guard is Derrick Rose, he’s only a Freshman!?!?!!?!? That means he’s only been out of high school for one year. Crazy huh?!?!?!?
What They’ll Forget to Mention: (At least until late in the game) Chris-Douglas Roberts also plays for Memphis and he’s a junior. CDR is actually much better then Rose and is actually one of the 5 best players in the country.

North Carolina
What They’ll Say: Tyler Hansbrough plays with so much intensity, he never gives up out there. This kids gotta a lot of heart AND a lot of SKILL!
What They’ll Forget to Mention: We like Hansbrough because he’s white like us. Also he looks exactly like Beaker the Muppet.

Tennessee
What They’ll Say: Senior Guard Chris Lofton is a great shooter, he stayed in school all four years. He’s the reason you love college basketball.
What They’ll Forget to Mention: Chris Lofton is so overrated it actually makes me physically ill. He stayed in school all 4 years because he has no chance whatsoever to make it in the NBA. He’s too small to play shooting guard and doesn’t have the handles, passing, leadership or play making abilities to play point guard at the next level. Enjoy having a stellar career in Poland when you’re done here Chris.

Butler
What They’ll Say: Butler, a mid major playing with the big boys, what a story!
What They’ll Forget to Mention: While Butler has some impressive wins, they play in such a weak conference that their win total and seed are both greatly inflated. Throw Butler in the Pac 10, Big 12 or Big East and they’d be a 10 loss bubble team at best.

Kansas
What They’ll Say: Kansas is the deepest team in the nation, they can go 10 deep if they want to.
What They’ll Forget to Mention: Kansas has stock piled so much talent that it’s literally unbelievable. However Bill Self is such an inept coach that despite having the most talented team in the country, he will not lead them to a national title. However his team is good enough that they may make it to the Final Four on talent alone in spite of their coach.

Notre Dame
What They’ll Say: Luke Harangody plays with such tenacity, just a joy to watch. He’s one of those blue collar guys. He puts on his hard hat and goes to work.
What They’ll Forget to Mention: Harangody looks like he has down syndrome and no, we can’t figure out how he’s any good either.

Wisconsin
What They’ll Say: Bo Ryan’s team runs the swing motion offense to perfection. And they don’t give up an inch on defense, they make you earn every point.
What They’ll Forget to Mention: This team is so breathtakingly boring I’m likely to fall asleep watching them play and/or talking about them.

Kansas State
What They’ll Say: Michael Beasley is arguably the best player in the country. He’s putting together one of the best Freshman seasons of all-time. He’ll likely be the number 1 pick in the draft.
What They’ll Forget to Mention: Aside from Billy Walker, the rest of Beasley’s team is so horrible it’s staggering. In fact if Beasley stayed another year in Manhattan it’s a pretty safe bet that he’s a masochist.

Washington State
What They’ll Say: Washington State has players from all around the globe, neato!
What They’ll Forget to Mention: We really don’t what else to say about Wazzu because there style of play is so methodical/boring and they never beat themselves, how lame is that. Also the only ‘foriegn’ player who gets any time for them is Hawaii’s Derrick Low. Also, the Cougars Coach Tony Bennett is really good looking, we’re talking Hollywood good looking. I’m a completely straight man, but when they show him on the screen for long stretches of time I get really flustered and my palms get sweaty.**

Until We Meet Again
* http://wweek.com/story.php?story=5285#continue
** Ok the announcers might no say all that, but it rings true for me.

My Name is KIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!

As many of you know, I’m a highly acclaimed (in my own mind) musical aficionado. Well finally people in the ‘industry’ are taking noticed. I recently landed an interview with Detroit’s own Kid Rock. Here’s the transcript of our interview.

Calvin: Hey Kid how’s it going. Do you mind if I call you Kid?
Kid Rock: My name is KIIIIIDDDD ROOOCCCCCK!!!!!!!!!
Calvin: (Doing my best impersonation go f Brent Musburger’s fake laugh) Ha ha ha, it certainly is. Now obviously Kid Rock is not your Christian name, how did you decide on Kid Rock for your stage name?
Kid Rock: My name is KIIIIIDDDD ROOOCCCCCK!!!!!!!!!
Calvin: Well ok then… Now lets just get this out of the way here. You recently broke up with Pamela Anderson. As they always do, the gay rumors soon followed. What’s your response to that?
Kid Rock: Never gay, no way, I don't play with ass. But watch me rock with Liberace flash. Punk rock, The Clash. Boy bands are trash.
Calvin: Strong words, from an even stronger man. Kid, what have you been up to lately?
Kid Rock: I've been on the cover of the Rolling Stone. I met the president when I was half stoned. I been so high I've gotten confused. I been beat down, broke and used motherf*cker .I drank with Hank, talked blues with Billy. Rocked with Run sang with shotgun Willy. Went from small time Philly to big time Bobby. From 3 day old chili to Saki with wasobi.
Calvin: Wow, that sounds like quite a lot. But, uh, what exactly does it mean to be half stoned?
Kid Rock: Only God Knows Why
Calvin: (Confused) Ah, you didn’t even remotely answer my question, in fact you in no way addressed it. Is this some sort of Post-Modern Socratic Method you’re using on me?
Kid Rock: Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy
Calvin: (Silent)
Kid Rock: Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy
Calvin: (Clearly frustrated) Moving on, many critics have tried in vain to define your musical styling. You’re part rap, part country, part rock. No one seems to know for sure, how would you define yourself.
Kid Rock: I'm a porno flick, I'm like amazing grace. I'm gonna f*ck some hoe's after I rock this place!
Calvin: Porn and amazing grace, two very dichotomous entities, not unlike yourself Kid. Now speaking of your critics, some see you as the voice of a generation, others as a no good malcontent who’s poisoning America’s youth. What’s your thoughts on that?
Kid Rock: My motto, Be Cool. Keep Pimpin’.
Calvin: I’m sure it is. You’ve recently been very outspoken about the tragedy that seems to engulf the world around us, care to share some of your thoughts on that subject?
Kid Rock: It's another night in hell. Another child won't live to tell .Can you imagine what it's like to starve to death?
Calvin: No, actually I can’t.
Kid Rock: And as we sit free and well. Another soldier has to yell: Tell my wife and children I love them in his last breath
Calvin: Is that from “We Were Soldiers”?
Kid Rock: Habitual offenders, scumbag lawyers with agendas. I'll tell you sometimes people I don't know what's worse. Natural disasters or these wolves in sheep clothes pastors. Now God damn it I'm scared to send my children to church
Calvin: (Speechless)
Kid Rock: C'mon now amen, amen
Calvin: (Completely flabbergasted, trying to regain my composer)
Kid Rock: I said amen, amen
Calvin: Amen indeed. Thanks for you’re time Kid, any parting words?
Kid Rock: Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy…

Until We Meet Again