My Name is KIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!

As many of you know, I’m a highly acclaimed (in my own mind) musical aficionado. Well finally people in the ‘industry’ are taking noticed. I recently landed an interview with Detroit’s own Kid Rock. Here’s the transcript of our interview.

Calvin: Hey Kid how’s it going. Do you mind if I call you Kid?
Kid Rock: My name is KIIIIIDDDD ROOOCCCCCK!!!!!!!!!
Calvin: (Doing my best impersonation go f Brent Musburger’s fake laugh) Ha ha ha, it certainly is. Now obviously Kid Rock is not your Christian name, how did you decide on Kid Rock for your stage name?
Kid Rock: My name is KIIIIIDDDD ROOOCCCCCK!!!!!!!!!
Calvin: Well ok then… Now lets just get this out of the way here. You recently broke up with Pamela Anderson. As they always do, the gay rumors soon followed. What’s your response to that?
Kid Rock: Never gay, no way, I don't play with ass. But watch me rock with Liberace flash. Punk rock, The Clash. Boy bands are trash.
Calvin: Strong words, from an even stronger man. Kid, what have you been up to lately?
Kid Rock: I've been on the cover of the Rolling Stone. I met the president when I was half stoned. I been so high I've gotten confused. I been beat down, broke and used motherf*cker .I drank with Hank, talked blues with Billy. Rocked with Run sang with shotgun Willy. Went from small time Philly to big time Bobby. From 3 day old chili to Saki with wasobi.
Calvin: Wow, that sounds like quite a lot. But, uh, what exactly does it mean to be half stoned?
Kid Rock: Only God Knows Why
Calvin: (Confused) Ah, you didn’t even remotely answer my question, in fact you in no way addressed it. Is this some sort of Post-Modern Socratic Method you’re using on me?
Kid Rock: Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy
Calvin: (Silent)
Kid Rock: Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy
Calvin: (Clearly frustrated) Moving on, many critics have tried in vain to define your musical styling. You’re part rap, part country, part rock. No one seems to know for sure, how would you define yourself.
Kid Rock: I'm a porno flick, I'm like amazing grace. I'm gonna f*ck some hoe's after I rock this place!
Calvin: Porn and amazing grace, two very dichotomous entities, not unlike yourself Kid. Now speaking of your critics, some see you as the voice of a generation, others as a no good malcontent who’s poisoning America’s youth. What’s your thoughts on that?
Kid Rock: My motto, Be Cool. Keep Pimpin’.
Calvin: I’m sure it is. You’ve recently been very outspoken about the tragedy that seems to engulf the world around us, care to share some of your thoughts on that subject?
Kid Rock: It's another night in hell. Another child won't live to tell .Can you imagine what it's like to starve to death?
Calvin: No, actually I can’t.
Kid Rock: And as we sit free and well. Another soldier has to yell: Tell my wife and children I love them in his last breath
Calvin: Is that from “We Were Soldiers”?
Kid Rock: Habitual offenders, scumbag lawyers with agendas. I'll tell you sometimes people I don't know what's worse. Natural disasters or these wolves in sheep clothes pastors. Now God damn it I'm scared to send my children to church
Calvin: (Speechless)
Kid Rock: C'mon now amen, amen
Calvin: (Completely flabbergasted, trying to regain my composer)
Kid Rock: I said amen, amen
Calvin: Amen indeed. Thanks for you’re time Kid, any parting words?
Kid Rock: Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy…

Until We Meet Again