Funny story. On October 16th, 2006 I was sitting at home watching the Arizona Cardinals man-handle the heavily favored Chicago Bears during the first half of Monday Night Football. At halftime of that game I get a call from my friend Billy. He was so pumped by the prospect of the Cardinals finally being good he suggested that we go to the mall and buy hats to show our support for the team. I decided to go with him, but not to buy a hat since all hats tend to further augment the roundness of my face.
During our foray to the mall, I got a call from my father who wanted to know where I was. When I told him what Billy and I were doing, he reacted as if I had just taken a sh*t on his bed. Upon hearing the disgust in my father’s voice I had no choice but to buy a Cardinals hat.
Billy and I then returned to my house sporting our brand new hats. As my father looked at us with repulsion, we watched the Cardinals pull one of the biggest collapses in NFL history, as they ended up blowing a 20 point lead in 28 minutes. Naturally we blamed ourselves for the loss and were amazed at our jinxing powers. Much to my surprise though, my jinxing powers aren’t even close to being the best in my own family. My older brother Max’s are far superior.
Max is currently on a streak in which everything he says about sports is wrong. This could happen to anyone, especially someone who talks about sports nonstop. However, upon closer examination it appears that this isn’t just a phase he’s going though. As it turns out, Max has been jinxing people for an extremely long time. Max is actually the sports version of a “cock block”. Anytime he says something positive about a team, or aligns his affiliation with them, said team is screwed. I did some pain stacking reseach to back this up. Below is a brief list of people, places and events Max has jinxed:
March 2008: Before the start of the Final Four, Max says that UCLA is “the clear favorite” and will win their 12th National Title. Moments after the Bruins blowout loss at the hands of Memphis, Max states “Wow, North Carolina’s got an easy path to the title now.” The Tar Heels then proceed to get outscored 40-12 in the first 10 minutes of their game and end up losing to the eventual champion Kansas
January 2008: Max calls the New England Patriots the best team since “West Germany of Nintendo World Cup Fame.” He follows that obscure references up by telling everyone “Pats are going to crush the Giants. Game won’t even be close.” And that “Rip It Off” by Times New Vikings is the best lo-fi/post-punk album since “Day Dream Nation”
2006: During the NBA Finals Max falls ass-over-tea kettle for Dirk Nowitzki and the Dallas Mavericks, causing the Mavericks to blow a 2-0 series lead and causing Dirk to become the biggest choke artist/head case since Chris Webber
2004: During that year’s ALCS, Max calls the Yankees 3-0 series lead “insurmountable” and claims that Alex Rodriquez will go on to be the best post-season hitter of all-time
1997: Max claims that Brevin Knight will have a better pro career than Tim Duncan, causing Knight to have a mediocre, journeyman career while Tim Duncan goes on to win 4 titles in 9 years, becomes a sure fire Hall of Famer and arguably the greatest power forward of all-time
1991: During the closing moments of Super Bowl XXV Max tells everyone “No way Scott Norwood misses this kick, he’s got ice water running through his veins.”
1983: Max says that the Houston Cougars, lead by Clyde Drexler and Hakeem Olajuwon, will run North Carolina State Wolfpack out of the building in that year’s NCAA Championship Game. After the Wolfpacks’ stunning upset, Max tells everyone that their coach, Jimmy Valvano, will “live forever.”
1977: While watching the first Star Wars film, Max tells the rest of the audience in the theater, “Little Luke Skywalker can’t take down the Death Star. He’s toast,” forever altering the ending of A New Hope and the Star Wars Trilogy
1972: After Doug Collins makes two free throws to the give the United States a one point lead with three seconds remaining against Russia in the men’s basketball Olympic Gold Medal Game, Max says, “The Soviets’ couldn’t beat us even if they had 3 chances.” When the USSR actually gets 3 chances and eventually beats the USA in one of the most controversial finishes in sports history, Max’s calmly states “Well that’s a bummer, but I guarantee that the USA is still gonna except their medals.”*
1948: On November 2nd Max says, in reference to the ongoing Presidential Election, “So much for Truman getting a 2nd Term in office, Dewey’s got this thing locked up. You can print that.”
1939: Max declares that the Polish Border is impenetrable and that “Those effing Nazis will get crushed if they go anywhere near Poland.”
1812: Max loudly remarks “I don’t care if it is winter. Napoleon and Co. will have no trouble invading Russia. None at all.”
Approx. 33 AD: Max boldly states that “There’s no way Judas will betray Jesus of Nazareth. They’ve been tight for years.”**
Until We Meet Again
* Since this one is a little more obscure I’ll clue you in on the joke. Members of the ’72 Olympic team refused to receive their silver medal from that year’s game. Most have even put it in their Wills that their family members can’t receive those medals once they’ve died.
** I can’t take credit for this magnificent joke, the credit for this one goes to Travis Parsley.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Bringing Unsexy Back
Ok so this is about a week too late, but I went on vacation last Thursday so just pretend that you’re reading this last week.
This post is my response to an article in the Huffington Post about Sarah Jessica Parker’s being named Maxim Magazines “Unsexiest Women Alive”. You can find that article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/russ-wellen/unsexiest-woman-holds-m_b_93160.html
Since most of you won’t click on that link here’s a brief run down of the story. Based on the results of a recent reader poll, Maxim Magazine named Sarah Jessica Parker the “Unsexiest Women Alive”. Needless to say Mrs. Parker didn’t take to kindly to this. In fact she immediately put out a statement saying how offended she and her husband, Ferris Bueller, were about this. I’m going to respond to some of her statements as well as the statements made by the writer of the above article, Russ Wellen. Here goes:
SJP: Am I the unsexiest women in the world?
CBP: In all likelihood, yes. I’m assuming the basis of this poll was to decide who was unsexiest among women that some people would for some reason consider sexy. I’m not sure what kind of person would find you sexy, but they are most certainly wrong. There are certainly uglier women in Hollywood: Rosie O’Donald, Coutrney Love, Andy Dick, to name a few. But no one in there right mind would say they’re sexy. In fact the only people I can think of who would consider you sexy would be gay men and other long-faced women. Let’s just move on before I offend some more people.
SJP: Do I fit some ideals and standards of some men writing in a men's magazine? Maybe not.
CBP: Actually you don’t at all. Unless a man has some sort of horse-face fetish, you fit no ones standards of beauty.
RW: Maxim's readers likely weren't singling her out for a lack of sexiness, which no red-blooded man can dispute at this point. Arguably, it's her long face to which they object.
CBP: Actually they WERE singling her out for her lack of sexiness, hence their bestowing the title upon her. In fact almost everything you said here is wrong. They’re disputing her sexiness by plainly stating that she in fact is not. You are right though in your assumption that they object to her oblong face. This is one of the main reason men think she’s unattractive.
RW: The case can be made that Maxim's readers object to having a sex symbol chosen for them on the basis of her success in a "women's" TV series.
CBP: This claim is also wrong. Men don’t think she is unsexy because she stars in a “women’s” tv show. They think she’s unsexy because her face resembles the bottom of a human foot. She could star be the star of anything and it wouldn’t change this fact. So actually this case can’t be made.
RW: But, as is too often the case with a poll, it reveals more about the voters than the subject. First, Maxim readers seem oblivious to the extent to which their tastes in women have been shaped by today's surgically enhanced models and actresses. Talk about an image being forced down their throats.
CBP: Wait. Are you saying that people’s ideas of beauty are shaped by the culture they live in!?!?!!?!? Holy sh*t, stop the presses!?!?!?!!? Of course everyone’s ideals of beauty are shaped by society, no one is disputing that. In fact even your standards of beauty are shaped by society your pretentious asshat. Like it or not, these are the same standards everyone is judged by. Mrs. Parker is probably well aware of them since she is in Hollywood. Clearly she doesn’t meet the standards of a classic beauty. In fact, I think it’s safe to say she meets almost no standards of beauty. Except for the affirmation foot and horse-faced fetishes.
RW: Secondly, conferring a title as vicious as unsexiest woman alive on anyone reflects a poverty of spirit that, in itself, cancels out a Maxim reader's qualifications to choose the winner of any poll…
CBP: So what exactly are you saying, that only the kind in spirit and pure of heart are qualify to answer the question of who is unsexy? Or to answer any poll at all? Aren’t these people better of using there gifts to better the world then answer. Whether it’s stated by a maniacal dictator or a saint, the truth is still the truth.
RW: …Except for maybe which male mixed-martial-art star they'd most like to be in the ring with alone and naked.
CBP: Whoa, look out!?!?!? A gay joke, one which also hints at sports being homoerotic!?!?!!?? BAAZZING!!! Talk about turning the tables!?!?!?!?!? This guy is firing on all cylinders and clearly can’t be stopped. I give up.
Until We Meet Again
This post is my response to an article in the Huffington Post about Sarah Jessica Parker’s being named Maxim Magazines “Unsexiest Women Alive”. You can find that article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/russ-wellen/unsexiest-woman-holds-m_b_93160.html
Since most of you won’t click on that link here’s a brief run down of the story. Based on the results of a recent reader poll, Maxim Magazine named Sarah Jessica Parker the “Unsexiest Women Alive”. Needless to say Mrs. Parker didn’t take to kindly to this. In fact she immediately put out a statement saying how offended she and her husband, Ferris Bueller, were about this. I’m going to respond to some of her statements as well as the statements made by the writer of the above article, Russ Wellen. Here goes:
SJP: Am I the unsexiest women in the world?
CBP: In all likelihood, yes. I’m assuming the basis of this poll was to decide who was unsexiest among women that some people would for some reason consider sexy. I’m not sure what kind of person would find you sexy, but they are most certainly wrong. There are certainly uglier women in Hollywood: Rosie O’Donald, Coutrney Love, Andy Dick, to name a few. But no one in there right mind would say they’re sexy. In fact the only people I can think of who would consider you sexy would be gay men and other long-faced women. Let’s just move on before I offend some more people.
SJP: Do I fit some ideals and standards of some men writing in a men's magazine? Maybe not.
CBP: Actually you don’t at all. Unless a man has some sort of horse-face fetish, you fit no ones standards of beauty.
RW: Maxim's readers likely weren't singling her out for a lack of sexiness, which no red-blooded man can dispute at this point. Arguably, it's her long face to which they object.
CBP: Actually they WERE singling her out for her lack of sexiness, hence their bestowing the title upon her. In fact almost everything you said here is wrong. They’re disputing her sexiness by plainly stating that she in fact is not. You are right though in your assumption that they object to her oblong face. This is one of the main reason men think she’s unattractive.
RW: The case can be made that Maxim's readers object to having a sex symbol chosen for them on the basis of her success in a "women's" TV series.
CBP: This claim is also wrong. Men don’t think she is unsexy because she stars in a “women’s” tv show. They think she’s unsexy because her face resembles the bottom of a human foot. She could star be the star of anything and it wouldn’t change this fact. So actually this case can’t be made.
RW: But, as is too often the case with a poll, it reveals more about the voters than the subject. First, Maxim readers seem oblivious to the extent to which their tastes in women have been shaped by today's surgically enhanced models and actresses. Talk about an image being forced down their throats.
CBP: Wait. Are you saying that people’s ideas of beauty are shaped by the culture they live in!?!?!!?!? Holy sh*t, stop the presses!?!?!?!!? Of course everyone’s ideals of beauty are shaped by society, no one is disputing that. In fact even your standards of beauty are shaped by society your pretentious asshat. Like it or not, these are the same standards everyone is judged by. Mrs. Parker is probably well aware of them since she is in Hollywood. Clearly she doesn’t meet the standards of a classic beauty. In fact, I think it’s safe to say she meets almost no standards of beauty. Except for the affirmation foot and horse-faced fetishes.
RW: Secondly, conferring a title as vicious as unsexiest woman alive on anyone reflects a poverty of spirit that, in itself, cancels out a Maxim reader's qualifications to choose the winner of any poll…
CBP: So what exactly are you saying, that only the kind in spirit and pure of heart are qualify to answer the question of who is unsexy? Or to answer any poll at all? Aren’t these people better of using there gifts to better the world then answer. Whether it’s stated by a maniacal dictator or a saint, the truth is still the truth.
RW: …Except for maybe which male mixed-martial-art star they'd most like to be in the ring with alone and naked.
CBP: Whoa, look out!?!?!? A gay joke, one which also hints at sports being homoerotic!?!?!!?? BAAZZING!!! Talk about turning the tables!?!?!?!?!? This guy is firing on all cylinders and clearly can’t be stopped. I give up.
Until We Meet Again
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