“Hey Slow Down… I’m a pretentious jackass!”

Before we get to today’s post, there’s something I need to get off my chest. I read an anecdote in the USA Today’s sports page about this week’s college football game between Georgia and Florida. For years, this game has been dubbed “The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.” But this past year, both schools’ presidents said they didn’t want any sports writers or TV announcers referring to this game by that title, because they believe it gives off the impression that the game’s tailgating party is just one giant booze-fest. They also believe this title influences people to become inebriated. Instead of pointing out the absurdity of all of this, I’m instead going to make a similar demand. I want people to stop calling my blog “shitty” or my writing “half-assed” and “more or less plagiarizing.” Because you know what, it just gives people the wrong impression of what I’m all about.* Now on to today’s entry.

As anyone who knows me can attest to, I’m a horrible driver. I drive way to fast, I constantly try to do the “Toyko Drift”, or at least I think I do. I’m not really sure what the hell that is. Anyhow I’m the worst driver when I’m going to work. This is probably because I hate my job, so I’m in a foul mood on my way to work. Another factor would be that I work 30 minutes from my house and generally don’t leave until 15 minutes before my shift starts. So generally I’m driving out of my neighborhood at about 35-40 mph (and for anyone who hasn’t been to my house trust me when I say it takes awhile to get out of my neighborhood).

So the other day on my way to work, I was speeding in my neighborhood and took a wide turn to accommodate for my speed. Luckily for me, I’ve gotten used to my reckless driving, so I can now control it. Needless to say, I stayed in my lane (for the most part) and then waved to a middle-aged couple who was out walking. As I drove by this couple, the woman stopped walking, turned towards my car, clinched her fists, and yelled, “Hey, slow down!” As I drove off, a thought came to me: “What kind of person yells out to a total stranger, when said stranger isn’t really doing anything wrong?”

Was I speeding? A little, yes. I was at 30 mph at the time. Now I’m not about to condone anyone taking turns in a neighborhood at 30 mph, or for that matter anyone driving like me. That said, I was completely in control of my car, drifted at the most a foot and a half out of my lane, and didn’t even come close to hitting anyone or anything. I should also mention that it was 9:40 PM, so there weren’t a lot of cars, people, or anything out and about.

So why on earth did this woman think it was her right to try and be my conscience? Was she a high ranking officer in the Moral Police Department? I may never know. But either way, it got me thinking about the type of person who tells a total stranger to slow down. I mean, what type of person does that? I’ll tell you what kind, a pretentious jackass. I will now, for everyone’s benefit, dissect the psyche of the man or (most likely) woman** who yells at strangers to slow down. Here’s a list of things this person might do or say:

· Says “I’m not religious – I’m spiritual.”

· Loved The Da Vinci Code book(s).

· Refers to himself in the third person. But not by his actual name, but by some gay-ass nickname (i.e. “The Robster was on fire last night.”)

· Makes mix CDs for his significant other with songs by James Blunt and Maroon 5 on it.

· Broke up with someone because a Cosmopolitan quiz convinced her/him that they weren’t compatible.

· Favorite sports teams are: Miami Heat, Pittsburg Steelers, Duke Blue Devils, Detroit Tigers, or St. Louis Cardinals.

· Talks about how he can relate to Tom Cruise’s character in Magnolia because of his relationship with his own father.

· Reads Star Magazine and US Weekly religiously.

· Has someone buy them a hat of a hot playoff team.

· Has read all the Ya Ya Sisterhood books

· Emphasized with Jennifer Aniston after Brad broke up with her

· Says “Oh, I only smoke when I drink,” or “I’m just a social smoker,” after he smokes half of your pack.

· Thinks the characters in Lost are “really deep and well rounded. And furthermore, those back stories about redemption aren’t redundant at all.”

· Still thinks Jerry McGuire and Weakest Link references are cool.

· Throws fake punches at you for a greeting.

· Takes part in a war protest because “It’s the right think to do and it’ll really make a difference.”***

· Votes for Arizona to ban smoking in bars and restaurants.****

· Reads Ann H. Coulter or Arianna Huffington.

· Starts sentences with ‘This one time at band camp…’ because it’s so funny and original.

· Says “I’m just a big kid trapped in an adults body” and then giggles.

Well that’s about it. Feel free to add your own.

Until We Meet Again,

* I apologize for that rant; I’ve clearly been reading too much DJ Gallo as of late. If anyone actually wants to read the story I’m referring to you can find it here: www.ajc.com/sports/content/sports/uga/stories/2006/10/23/1024cocktail.html
** Not trying to be sexist, but men under the age of 45 don’t really care how fast another car they’re not in is driving.
*** Not trying to offend anyone, or even be political, but have the war protests actually done anything? I mean, anything at all?
**** Restaurants I can understand. But bars? It’s a place people go to drown their sorrows and destroy their kidneys. Do they really need fresh air while doing this?

I'm On Fire

So it came to my attention that before my post last week I went almost an entire month without making a post. Which begs the question, to myself at least, what was I doing/learning/experiencing in my absence from the blogging world? Well I interrogated myself and below are the answers.

Q: In a nutshell what have you been up to in the almost a month in which you didn’t post? We all know you’re way too into how clever you think you are when you write these things, so why haven’t you been doing it more often?
A: For starters I got sick shortly after my September 19th post. And while it was nothing serious I didn’t feel like posting then or as I dragged myself back to health (side note: Working the graveyard shift and having barking dogs and family members wake you up every time you try to sleep is not a conducive environment for getting well.). I also was more into reading, listening to music and playing my new Nintendo DS (which is on it’s way to replacing the SNES as the best video game system of all time) in my free time then writing.

Q: Ok, that all seems a little contrived but I’ll run with it. So what was the best book you read during your absence?
A: That would be On Bullshit by Harry Frankfurt. It’s basically a long essay about Bullshit, namely its definition, its cultural impact and why there’s so much of it in our society. It’s extremely humorous and insightful; I mean what isn’t funny about someone analytically breaking down the concept Bullshit?

Q: Whatever you say Mr. 5 Dollar word. So what have you learned about the NFL so far this season?
A: Well this is a tough one considering we won’t know anything definite about any of these teams for at least a few more weeks, but here’s what I’ve learned thus far:
- Drew Bledsoe, no matter how much I like him or want him to succeed, has the uncanny ability to take a team with Super Bowl potential and turn them into an 8-8 team.
- Reggie Bush is the second best decoy in the league (with T.O. being first) and is going to be an All-Pro for the next 10-15 years.
- Matt Leinart is already one of the Top 10 QB’s in the league. I’m not being or homer or even hyperbolic. Who would you rather have starting a game for you instead of Leinart? Off the top of my head I’d say Brady, Manning, Palmer, Rothlisberger, Hassleback and maybe Grossman (with the exception of last Monday). I’m unsure if this says a lot about Leinart or about the sad state of QB’s in the current NFL.
- The Arizona Cardinals are might be the best team of all-time at giving away winnable games.

Q: Speaking of the Cardinals, what did you think of Monday Night’s epic collapse?
A: Teams from Arizona, regardless of sport, should never, ever, under any circumstance, play teams from Illinois.

Q: Sticking with football, what have you observer from the University of Arizona’s first 7 games?
A: Mainly that this O-Line is going to get someone killed by the end of the season and that Stanford might be the worst division I-A team of all-time. Speaking of the O-line, if we had a semi-decent one we’d be headed to a bowl game.

Q: So the outlook is pretty bleak these days in T-Town huh?
A: Yes and no. The outlook for the football team looks very bleak. Fans, myself included, are already in ‘Wait ‘til Next Year’ mode. And to make matters worse the snowbirds** are back, which means you take you life in you hands anytime you go out for a drive. And they all seem to flock to the Park Mall, which is terrible for me since I live directly behind it. So now anytime I leave my house or go home I have to wade through a flood of elderly drivers. But on the bright side the U of A’s basketball season is less then a month away, and that’s never a bad thing.

Q: So what’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past month?
A: Thanks to my schedule I rarely go see movie in the theaters. I did however see Jackass 2 a few weeks ago, and while I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, that’s the hardest I’ve laughed at a film in a long, long time.

Q: Ok, tool. How about TV? What shows have you been watching this season?
A: I only follow a few shows on network TV, and I almost never watch new shows. But I have started watching Heroes and while it takes itself a little too seriously it’s still very enjoyable. And of course I’m still watching Veronica Mars. This season has felt a little rushed, which is to be expected since the dumb a$$es at CW only bought 13 episodes. That said it’s still the best show on network TV. I’m also watching Lost, which couldn’t have had a more uneven start. The first episode was one of the worst the show has ever done. I generally don’t care for the back stories, but this one was absolutely horrible. I was so upset at how bad the first ep was that I almost gave up on the show entirely. Thankfully the second episode was amazing and ended with one of the best scenes the show has ever done. (Editors Note: I wrote this before seeing the 3rd episode of Lost, which was really good. I’m now excited for the show to go absolutely nowhere in the next 10-15 weeks.)

Q: Alright we’ll close with a question about music, what have you been listening to as of late?
A: I’ve mainly been bumping the new Killers and Decemberist records. Also the new Court and Spark is really good. I haven’t had too much time to listen to newer stuff since I’m trying familiarize myself with Bob Dylan’s entire catalog of work.

Q: Speaking of The Killers, their front man Brandon Flowers said that their new album, Sam’s Town, is one of the best albums of the last 15 years. Would you agree with comment?
A: Well I’m pretty sure he was joking, seeing as they’re a synth-rock band and no one in their right mind could take the backing vocals on this album seriously. But if Flowers truly believes that this is one of the best albums of the last 15 years then his idea of said album is Bruce Springsteen covering “All That You Can’t Leave Behind” in its entirety.

Until We Meet Again

*In honor of the probably pedophilic Bruce Springsteen song.
** For those of you who don’t live in Tucson or are somehow unfamiliar with Snowbirds, they’re a group of retirees who come here in the winter because it never gets below 35.

The Track Record

I feel pretty strongly that iPods should have half stars for their star rating system. For those of you unfamiliar with what I’m talking about, iPods allow you to rate all the songs you upload with stars. That way, people who are OCD about their music can then rate all their songs on a scale of 1 to 5. Much to my chagrin, they don’t have half stars. This causes me a lot of stress, because I’m left to wonder what I should do for songs that are better than 4 stars, but not quite worthy of 5. Anyhow, today I’m going to be reviewing several songs that have come out in the past few months, and I will be rating them on a scale of 1 to 5 stars. But unlike those cocky bastards at Apple, my rating system will allow for half stars. Let’s get to the song reviews.

1.) Justin Timberlake – “Lovestoned/I Think She Knows”: Regardless of how much solo success he has, Justin Timberlake will always be remembered as one of the founding members of NSYNC, and the guy who took Britney’s V Card. In many ways, Justin will always be viewed as a teenager. Timberlake realizes all of this, which is why his second album is completely over-sexed. Unfortunately for JT, while he may be grown up, his lyrical stylings are stuck at freshmen prom. When he drops lines like, “She looks like a model, except she’s got a little more ass,” you can almost hear him fearing that someone is going to make him wash his mouth out with soap. Juvenile lyrics aside, there’s a lot of reasons to dislike this song, mainly the excess amount of beat-boxing, and the fact that he’s trying to create a new catch phrase with “Lovestoned.” That said, this is still a really good song. Timberlake gives the song tremendous depth with the best dance beat of the year, and the song’s over-ambition pays off at the 4:40 mark when it becomes the best Coldplay song I’ve ever heard*. All in all, this is a very enjoyable song.
Listen: www.myspace.com/justintimberlake
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars

2.) The Killers – “When You Were Young”: Brandon Flowers, the lead singer of The Killers, claimed that his band’s new album, Sam’s Town, is one of the best albums of the last 15 years. Whether he’s joking or not remains to be seen, but “When You Were Young,” the lead single off the new album, feels like it’s trying to be the lead single off an epic album. This song feels like Flowers is trying to write a generational anthem. And while he fails in that regard, he succeeds in writing a tremendous power pop-rock song. Aside from the fun line, “He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus,” the song lacks any lyrical depth, but most of the time it’s rocking too hard to even notice.
Listen: www.myspace.com/thekillers
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars

3.) Nick Lachey – “What’s Left Of Me”: While I enjoy this song, it’s far more entertaining than it is good. Lachey croons about how he’s “Half the man I thought I would be” now that Jessica is out of his life. Needless to say, it was a brilliant move by his publicist to try and convey Lachey as a heartbroken divorcee. Nick seems to have won enough sympathy points that fans will overlook the cheesy lyrics and the growing evidence that he can’t really sing.
Listen: www.myspace.com/nicklechey69
Rating: 3 out of 5 Stars

4.) Sunset Rubdown – “Stadiums and Shrines”: I felt my indie street cred slipping after I reviewed three straight Top 40 hits. So to gain back some credibility with the hipster crowd, I’ve decide to review the best song of Spencer Krug, the lead singer from the Wolf Parade side project. Not only is “Stadiums and Shrines” the best song off Sunset’s album, Shut Up I’m Dreaming, but it also sums up the entire band. Lyrically, and at times musically, it’s a little awkward and out there. Musically, it’s a combination of great guitar rock and an almost cartoony collection of an odd assortment of instruments. Needless to say, the song is great and has a couple of soul-owning guitar riffs in it. If you’re unfamiliar with the band, I highly recommend that – at the very least – you check out this song.
Listen: www.myspace.com/sunsetrubdownfans
Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Stars

5.) The Decemberists – “O Valencia”: Anytime an indie band, such as The Decemberists, signs with a major label (in this case, Capitol) their fans always worry that the group will have to compromise their sound in order to sell records. Being a fan of The Decemberists I too was worried that one of my favorite bands might “sell out.” Thankfully, that’s not the case with the Decemberists’s newest album, and major label debut, The Crane Wife. On this song, Colin Meloy continues in his long tradition of writing novellaesque songs. This song tells us about a Romeo and Juliet-type star-crossed lovers, whose families just happen to be rival gangs. Meloy masterfully tells their story, switching moods seamlessly from love to tragedy to revenge. Even on a major label, Meloy is still a writer of fiction**.
Listen: www.myspace.com/thedecemberists
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars

6.) Paris Hilton – “Stars Are Blind”: I realize I’m in danger of losing my non-elitist crowd (if I actually have one), so I’ll now switch back to pop hits. I’ll be honest, I really wanted to hate this song. Unfortunately, Ms. Hilton hired a couple of brilliant song writers and producers. Hilton hired the tandem that does all of Gwen Stefani’s songs, whose names currently escape me. Against my better judgment, I have to admit that this is a perfectly constructed pop song. It’s like one of those songs you’d listen to when you were 12 or 13 and think about life and what love is like***. The only question I have about this song is how mad Gwen must be that this song wasn’t written for her.
Listen: www.myspace.com/parishilton
Rating: 3.5 out of 5 Stars

7.) JoJo – Too Little, Too Late: I’m not sure which isworse, this song or the ungodly amount of “I knew she was going to be hot back when she was 13(or howeverold she was when her first single came out)” jokes it spawned. Actually this song isn’t that bad, it’s justignorably tween pop. I’m mean it could be worse, it could be…
Listen: www.myspace.com/jojoonline
Rating: 2.5 out of 5 Stars

8.) Fergie – London Bridge: I give Fergie credit where credits due, she actually made a song that was equally, if not more, obnoxious the ‘My Humps’. This song is an absolute train wreck, an outright musical abortion. If real life was more like wrestling this would be the Anti-Christ’s entrance music.
Listen: www.myspace.com/fergie
Rating: .5 out of 5 Stars

9.) Sparklehorse – Shade and Honey: This will be the last indie track I review, honest. This little diddy is the best song off Sparklehorse’s new album. It’s classic Sparklehorse, meaning it’s a great winter morning song. It also has one of the best opening lines I’ve heard in some time: “I could look at your face for a thousand years. It’s like a civil war of pain and cheers”. I’m not even a women and I kinda want to sleep with Mark Linkous (the band’s lead
singer).
Listen: www.myspace.com/sparklehorse
Rating: 4.5 out of 5 Stars

10.) Adam Stidham – Latest Mistake: Epic. Masterful. Maybe the best song of all time. Stidham is clearly a pure, integredous young man who makes music that all musicians should aspire to make. This virtuous soul can teach us a thing or two about love and life.
Listen: www.myspace.com/adamstidhammusic
Rating: 27 out of 5 Stars

Well that’s it for now. I might post something in the next few days explaining my extended absence and answer some burning questions.

Until We Meet Again

* It doesn’t actually turn into a Coldplay song, it just changes from dance-pop to Brit -rock almost seamlessly.

** My apologizes for that awful, indie pun.

*** For those of you wondering, the song I listened to was “Lovefool” by The Cardigans