Top 101 Songs of 2008

So this is my top songs of the year list. In an effort to keep things brief I'm not going to have any real introduction, nor will I be commenting on every song. This list will look a lot longer than it will read. The songs are in descending order, with the artists name first, followed by the song title. The title of the LP or EP that the song is on will be next to the song in parenthesis. Let' quit the foreplay and get right into the list.

101 The Legends - Seconds Away (Seconds Away Single): I love this band and this song, but who played “Loveless” for these guys? Sure now they'll expand their musical horizons, but I selfishly just wanted them to make pop music the rest of their career.

100 Aimee Mann - Freeway (@#%&*! Smilers)

99 Pacific! - Hot Lips (Pacific!)

98 The Tallest Man on Earth - Shallow Graves (Shallow Graves): If you can get by the voice, which requires more work than I usually care for, the payoff of TTMoE is really quite exceptional.

97 Dr. Dog - From (Fate)

96 The Morning Benders - I Was Wrong (Talking Through Tin Cans)

95 Wild Sweet Orange - Tilt (We Have Cause to Be Uneasy): No matter how much my musical tastes ‘grow and mature’, it's good to know that I'm still a sucker for a straight up emo rocker

94 Youth Group - Good Time (The Night is Ours)

93 This is Ivy League - The Richest Kids in Town (This is Ivy League): Belle and Sebastian have to be getting some sort of kickback for this song right? And while the
song is a blatant B & S rip, it doesn't try to hide it, which is why it’s so good.

92 The Republic of Tigers - Buildings and Mountains (Keep Color)

91 Young Jeezy - My President [feat. Nas] (The Recession): I like to think that the Commander and Chief to be was kinda of embarrassed by this song until the 3 minute mark hit and then Nas showed up and started wrecking sh*t. Then he was probably pretty ok with it and how a good deal of gratitude towards Young Jeezy and hip hop in general.

90 Sleeping States – Rivers (Old Vs. New)

89 Neil Halstead - Baby, I Grew You A Beard (Oh! Mighty Engine): Easily the best song title of the year, although I'm slightly biased.

88 Oh No! Oh My! - Go to Work (Dmitrij Dmitrij)

87 The Rosebuds - Bow to the Middle (Life Like)

86 Coldplay - Viva La Vida (): Violently overplayed? Yes. Still great despite the overplaying and Chris Martin's mildly-retarded dancing in the video? Yes

85 Throw Me the Statue - Lolita (Moonbeams)

84 The Killers - Losing Touch (Day and Age): You know I really don't care if this song is goofy and if the verses sound vaguely like a Huey Lewis and the News song. That's not gonna stop me from liking it and singing the chorus a little too passionately when listening to it while driving by myself.

83 T.I. - Live Your Life [feat. Rhiana] (Paper Trail): Pitchfork pretty much nailed this song in the write up they had for their best songs list. I'm still not sure how the Numa Numa sample doesn't completely discredit this song.

82 Eef Barzely - Apocalyptic Friend (Lose Big)

81 Jonathan Richman - Our Drab Ways (Because Her Beauty is Raw and Wild): Probably the best cultural send up of Christianity evah!

80 Estelle - American Boy [feat Kanye West] (Shine): This song is a disease. Anytime I hear a snippet of it or even if someone mentions it, it'll be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Thankfully it's a terrific song, but like all addictions, such as nicotine, I have a feeling that the long-lasting effects could be hazardous to my health.

79 Josh Rouse - Easy Street (Bedroom Classics Vol. 3)

78 Solange - I Decided (Sol-Angel and the Hadley St. Dreams): I think that my love for this song officially makes me the Knowles sisters, or at least their handler's, b*tch.

77 Silver Jews - What Could Not But Could Be If (Look Out Mountain, Lookout Sea)

76 Chairlift - Bruises (Does You Inspire You): Also known as the song from the melting Ipod Nano commercial. Just be warned, the rest of this album is really, really bad.

75 The Submarines - You, Me and the Bourgeoisie (Honeysuckle Weeks): Also known as the song that's now in every Iphone commercial. Not only is the song slightly better then the one right above it, but the album it's on is actually quite good as well.

74 Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire (Only By Night): I love this song. It's so unironic that I actually think that's how it's ironic. Not that that really makes sense...

73 Gnarles Barkley - Who's Gonna Save My Soul (The Odd Couple): While the song is pretty great, it's mainly up this high on my list because of its amazing video.

72 Love as Laughter - Don't Worry (Holy)

71 Starflyer 59 - I Love You Like a Little Bird (Dial M): Jason Martin and Co have been writing the same 3 songs for their entire career, and I love those 3 songs! This one is in the vein of "Feel In Love at 22" and roughly 85% of "Leaving Here a Stranger"
70 Plants and Animals - New Kind of Love (Parc Avenue)

69 Manchester Orchestra - I Can Feel a Hot One (Let My Pride Be What's Left Behind EP): See the line I wrote about “Tilt” by Wild Sweet Orange and change the word rocker with ballad and you'll know why I like this song. Although it's probably more British than emo, not that there's a huge difference between the two.

68 Phantom Planet - Raise the Dead (Raise the Dead): I never thought Phantom Planet could write a song this good, nor did I think I'd ever have to take them seriously as a band, but this whole album was pretty good.

67 Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin - Dead Right (Pershing): Not only is this the best, most surreal band name in sometime, but SSLYBY is also proficiently awesome.

66 Lil' Wayne - Mr. Carter [feat. Jay Z] (Carter III): When I present my semi-blasphemous case that Jay-Z is actually better as a guest rapper, this song will easily be my strongest argument.

65 Coner Oberst - NYC-Gone, Gone (Coner Oberst): I'm honestly a little disturbed by how much I liked about half of this album...

64 The National - Blank State (The Virginia EP)

63 Old 97's - No Baby I (Blame It On Gravity): Rhett Miller reasserts himself into my
Top 5 man crushes with this little diddy. And since it's Christmas time, check out the holiday single they put out last year "Here It Is, Christmas Time"

62 KaiserCartel - Dog Star (March Forth): One of my favorite things I did this year was listening to KaiserCartel's debut album and trying to count the number of times they blatantly ripped off other bands., I lost track about midway through the 3rd song. Who they’re ripping of here doesn’t mater because it’s really lovely all the way though.

61 I'm From Barcelona - Mingus (Who Killes Harry Houdini)

60 Margot and the Nuclear So and So's - Broadnipple is Burning (Not Animal)

59 Spiritualized - Baby I'm Just a Fool (Songs in A+E): Almost 8 minutes with no discernable tempo change and yet this song still grabs my attention every time.

58 Mirah - Lone Star (): Easily the best song making fun of Texas and its inhabitants written by a lesbian this year.

57 Tokyo Police Club - Graves (Elephant Shell): 2 LPs and 1 EP into their musical career and Tokyo Police Club has one song over the 3 minute mark (incidentally, it's not this one). Given their propensity for writing such short, catchy songs, I'm guessing they're gonna be the next 'break-through' indie band, since they write songs short enough that kids might actually listen to the whole thing. And by kids I mean me.

56 Okkervil River - Calling and Not Calling My Ex (Stand Ins)

55 James - Bubbles (Hey Ma): A surprisingly competent and underrated album from the first British band I ever gave my heart to. This opener is the highlight.

54 The Walkmen - Donde Esta La Playa (You and Me): Even though I lived 90 minutes from the border, I took French in high school because it was an easier class. So I don't know what this song's Spanish title is, although I'm pretty sure it's something like "Where is the beach". As far as I can tell, this song has absolutely nothing to do with the beach, nor does that really matter because this song is still great.

53 Mason Jennings - Going Back to New Orleans (In the Ever)

52 The Awkward Stage - Skeletal Blond (Slimming Mirrors, Flattering Lights): Not as good as his love song to “The Girls of Vivid Video”(that’s how he introduced the song when I saw him in concert): “Heaven is for Easy Girls”. But not a bad follow up either.

51 Hawksley Workman - Piano Blink [Los Manlicious Remix] (Between the Beautifuls)

50 Black Kids - I'm Making Eyes at You (Partie Traumatic): Best new song off the mildly disappointing Black Kids debut LP

49 Kanye West - Love Lockdown (808's and Heartbreaks): What more could possibly be said about this man and this song? Nothing. But do check out the mash-up of Love Lockdown and Radiohead’s Reckenor by DJ Earthworm


48 Say Hi - Zero to Love (The Wishes and the Glitch)

47 Okkervil River - Interview with Bruce Wayne Campbell... (The Stand Ins): If you ever think you’re having a sh*t day, Wikipedia the subject of this song. But do so cautiously

46 The Grand Archives - Sleep Driving (The Grand Archives)

45 Frighten Rabbits - Keep Yourself Warm (The Midnight Organ Fight): Frighten Rabbits sound like a combination of Coldplay and the Proclaimers. On paper this sounds atrocious. In actuality, I can’t stop listening to this album. Guess that’s why they play the games eh?

44 Cut Copy - Feel the Love (In Ghost Colours)

43 Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal (Fleet Foxes)

42 Sigur Ros - Festival (Med Sud I Eyrum Vid Spilum Endalaust )

41 Murs - Better Than the Best (Better Than the Best Single): Mur’s mainstream debut album was very disappointing. And I still not sure why this song, his best since the entire “Murs 3:16: 9th Edition” album, wasn’t on that album

40 Blitzen Trapper - Furr (Furr): As you might have already noticed from this list, it was a big year for title tracks.

39 M83 - Kim & Jessie (Saturdays = Youth)

38 Jonathan Richman - Because Her Beauty is Raw and Wild (Because Her Beauty is
Raw and Wild): And now it's time for a list inside a list. Allow me to introduce to you: “The Problems with writing you 'best of' albums list on a e-mail at work” by Calvin Paradise:

1. The moral and ethical issues it raises and blah blah blah, etc.
2. Two sentences reviews for certain albums.
3. Nonsensical reviews that have little to do with the actual album.
4. You forget about Jonathan Richman's amazing album that was definitely ahead of at least 3-4 albums you actually put on your list.
5. Neck pain from constantly looking over your shoulder to make sure your boss isn't coming around the corner.
6. The terrible Christmas music they were playing while I wrote the list. Did you know there's a song about only wanting a Hippo for Christmas? As Christmas music wasn't painful and terrible enough...

37 Girl Talk - Still Here (Feed the Animals): While this album should be viewed as one, single unit, this was my favorite track, and I felt like “Feed the Animals” needed some representation on my top songs list.

36 Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream (Walking On a Dream): Sounds a lot like MGMT, minus the paint splattered everything and the scarves worn by them and their fans (MGMT that is).

35 The Notwists - Boneless (The Devil, You and Me)

34 Atmosphere - You (When Life Gives You Lemmons...): Still haven’t figured out how Atmosphere’s free album “Strictly Leakage” was miles better then the actually album he put out for sale this year. This song however is great.

33 French Kicks - Said So What (Swimming)

32 Albert Hammond Jr. - Feed Me Jack or How I Learned to Stop Caring and Love Peter
Sellers (Coma Te Llama?): 2nd best song title of the year

31 She & Him - Sentimental Heart (Volume 1)

30 The Killers - Human (Day and Age): Um, yeah

29 The Dodos - Undeclared (Visiter)

28 MGMT - Kids (Oracular Spectacular): I dare you to listen to this song and try not to dance. I effing dare you

27 Crooker Fingers - What Never Comes (Forfeit/Fortune)

26 Chad Van Gaalen - Willow Tree (Soft Airplane): At one point I thought this might be my favorite track of the year, then I played it daily for a few months straight and now I can’t listen to it anymore. So it’s safe to say I can’t accurately judge this song.

25 Hayden - The Van Song (In Fields and in Town)

24 The BPA - Toe Jam [feat. David Byrne and Dizzie Rascal] (Stanton Sessions, Vol. 3): Apparently BPA is the guy from Fat Boy Slim. I had no idea he could be part of song this awesome

23 Lil' Wayne - La La [feat. Brisco and David Banner] (Carter III): The best showcase for Weezy’s incredible lyrics.

22 Destroyer - Blue Flower/Blue Flame (Trouble in Dreams): He’s like the white, Canadian, Lil’ Wayne. Only with entirely different music and better lyrics…

21 David Byrne and Brian Eno - Life is Long (Everything That Happens Will Happen)

20 Stephen Malkamus - We Can't Help You Out (Real Emotional Trash): I really wish Malkamus would right more straight forward pop songs like this.

19 Cloud Cult - Love You All (Feel Good Ghosts): I kinda have a thing for vecoders

18 The Notwists - Good Lies (The Devil, You and Me)

17 Vampire Weekend - Walcott (Vampire Weekend): For all the hype, overplaying and general overexposure that plagued Vampire Weekend, this song somehow ceased to be affected by any of it. No matter how many times I listen to it I still get caught slightly off guard, and a little giddy, by the cursing in the songs bridge.

16 The Dodos - Winter (Visiter)

15 Crooked Fingers -Your Control [feat. Neko Case] (Forfeit/Fortune): Neko Case’s cameo steals this song, but it’s Eric Bachmann’s lyrics that make it so enjoyable upon further listens.

14 Blind Pilot - 3 Rounds and a Sound (3 Rounds and a Sound)

13 Devotchka - The Clockwise Witness (A Mad and Faithful Telling)

12 French Kicks - Abandon (Swimming): No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to find a guitar riff better than the opening one on this song.

11 Spiritualized - Borrowed Your Gun (Songs in A+E): As far as unintentional anthems go, this one hits pretty close to home for me. The gun being a metaphorical one of course…

10 Magnetic Fields - Too Drunk to Dream (Distortion): I really didn’t care too much for the Stephen Merrit’s take on the Jesus and Mary Chain, nor do I care too much for the Jesus and Mary Chain, but that’s a story for another day (or never). This song however captures everything Merrit does so well as a song writer. It’s also perfect tongue and cheek and semi-moving.

09 Wolf Parade - Language City (At Mount Zoomer): The new Wolf Parade album was probably the biggest letdown of the year for me. It wasn’t necessarily a bad record; it just wasn’t nearly as good as I had hoped it would be. This song however, is everything I’d ever want in a Wolf Parade song.

08 MGMT - Time To Pretend (Oracular Spectacular): Two songs does not an album make, but this one and Kids sure come close to making Oracular Spectacular a terrific album.

07 Blind Pilot - Story I Heard (3 Rounds and a Sound): In my top albums list I talked about how I feel like Blind Pilot was created just for me. This song and the title track are what’s really driving home that notion in my head.

06 She & Him - Change is Hard (Volume #1): Every time I listen to this album I can’t help but think that this was all a publicity stunt by Mr. Ward and Ms. Deschanel. And in spite of that I can’t help but fall in love with this song every time. Just an amazing piece of music.

05 Bon Iver - Skinny Love (For Emma, Forever Ago): So there’s some debate about whether this album came out in ’07 or ’08. Apparently it was self-released in 2007, then Jagjaguwar signed him and distributed it this year. I wasn’t cool enough to hear this last year when it was self-released, so it makes my list this year.

04 Okkervil River - Lost Coastlines (The Stand Ins): An anti-sailing song that somehow further romanticizes the notion of sailing, the ocean, etc. I’m not sure how Will Sheff does it, but he’s real damn good at whatever it is he does.

03 Destroyer - Foam Hands (Trouble in Dreams): I first heard this song and December of last year and I played it constantly well into last May. I’m not sure which part I like better, the Kelly Clarkson reference or the whistling outro.

02 Fleet Foxes - So Long to the Headstrong (Sun Giant EP): One of the reasons the Fleet Foxes self-titled debut wasn’t high on my albums list is that eve though it’s very, very good, it never has a moment that touches this one. Pretty much just a perfect song.

01 Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago (For Emma, Forever Ago): I just recently learned that Emma was the middle name of Bon Iver, real name Justin Vernon, high school sweet heart who he never got over. I feel like that should somehow affect how I listen to this song, but it doesn’t. This song is beautiful through and through and officially makes 2008 the year of the title track.

Until We Meet Again

Top 15 Albums of 2008

I first started writing this blog because I wanted to be a journalist and I figured this would help me hone my writing skills. I no longer have any aspirations involving journalism, yet I keep writing for reasons mostly unknown and nonsensical. And anyone who actually read my blog back then knows that the only difference between then and now is that now I have a wider range of authors whose style I try and emulate. Likewise, I first started compiling 'best of' music lists to improve my writing and to show people how awesome my musical taste was. I now realize that I make people aware of my musical tastes whether or not they read my year end lists. Mainly because I'm a loud, obnoxious blowhard when it comes to music*. Yet I digress.

This year I made a conscious decision to be more analytical in my actual life and less analytical in the “arts” that I encounter. Why do this you ask, well I felt like there wasn't enough duality in my life. Actually that's not true, mainly I just figured that if I liked something I shouldn't have to justify it to myself. So for the first time ever this list is wholly made up of my favorite records of the year. In years past I'd allow my inner music critic to take over and I’d put albums I thought were better ahead of albums I liked more. So in turning over this new leaf I'll start with the honorable mentions and go from their.

Honorable Mention
Plants and Animals - Parc Avenue
Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin - Pershing
Paavoharju - Laulu Laakson Kukista (Not a made up band or album, their just Finnish)
Crooked Fingers - Forfeit/Fortune

15. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend: A very solid album whose charm dissipates upon multiple listens. There are still some amazing highlights off this album though whose awesomeness haven’t weaned over time.

14. French Kicks - Swimming: I'm not sure why I like this French Kicks album better than there older stuff, perhaps it's because they sound more relax, more sure off themselves. It as if they're no longer concerned with trying to save the world by rocking and now they just wanna play good music. I actually can't explain why I like this album so much, but hopefully my ambiguity covered that up...

13. Hayden - In Field and Town: As I grow older I've found that my fantasies are becoming more and more grounded in reality. Where as a teenager I dreamed of being an me exceedingly rich multi-media celebrity which would allow me to bed any and every beautiful woman on the planet. Now my daydreams consist of a day off work where it's breezy and I have no responsibilities and can just sit and read in the shade. If such a day ever arrives, this album will be the soundtrack to it. Never did I imagine myself being this boring and neutered at the age of 23.

12. Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes: This album/band answers the age old question of what it would sound like if Fleetwood Mac and the Beach Boys had a musical love child. The Answer: F*cking Awesome

11. The Notwists - The Devil You, and Me: I feel like this album is made a lot better by the fact that it's the Notwists first album in over 6 years. Such distance between records is sure to augment it one way or the other. Luckily for the Notwists, the break plays in there favor. And since I have nothing else to say I’ll allow avid reader and musical enthusiast Marko Wilson to give a one word review of this album:

“Catchier”

10.The Walkmen - You and Me: Anyone who read my blog back when I was living in Chicago knows how truly miserable I was during the 6 month long winter there. This album, oddly enough, makes me miss those winters. The whole thing sounds like a soundtrack to those dark, bleak and freezing months. If I were still living there I can guarantee this album would have been one of my 3 favorite to come out this year.

9. The Dodos - Visiter: Every so often I feel as if an album is made with me specifically in mind. This is one of those records. It's perfectly constructed alt. folk with a curveball thrown in, which pretty much describes anything I'd ever want in a record. What makes this record better so many similar ones, like the over-hyped Department of Eagles LP, is their use of percussion and harmonies. Considering the album is almost entirely acoustic, it's very unique and awesome to hear the drums and bass lines up so high in the mix.

8. Lil Wayne - Carter III: I've gone back in forth on this album all year. Sometimes it sounds like the most brilliant, enjoyable music that's ever been put out. Other times it's so painfully obnoxious it makes me what to punch someone in the face. As of the time of writing this, it's the former. I'm currently amazed how Lil' Weezy raps the way jazz musicians play music.

7. Sigur Ros - Med Sud I Eurune Vid Spilum Endalaust (With a Buzz in Our Ears We Play Endlessly): This was easily the biggest surprise of the year in my mind. No so much that the album was as good as it is, though it is Sigur Ros most complete record, but what surprised me the most was how the album was so good. The fact that a band that's famous for making atmospheric post-rock and signing in a made up language could write such brilliant pop songs is really quite astounding. The best song on the album, Festival, does sound like a classic Sigur Ros song, but good portions of this album are borderline twee-pop. Even typing this I'm still flabbergasted that it works as well as it does.


6. Blind Pilot - 3 Rounds and a Sound: Speaking of album's that seem like they were made exclusively for me, I present Blind Pilot's debut LP. Much the same way boy bands were created out of the dreams and wishes of teenagers girls and gay men over the age of 40, so Blind Pilot was created for me. It's like Pandora and the Itunes Genius function combined powers, look through my musical collection and then gave birth to Blind Pilot based on all that data. And if that wasn't enough, they biked to every venue on their first tour, which is incredible awesome. There's nothing about this band and their stunningly beautiful music that I don't love.

5. Destroyer - Trouble in Dreams: Another great album by Destroyer which I undersell because it came out only two years after Rubies. If you like Destroyer you'll love this album. If you don't like Destroyer then there is probably something wrong with you. I also question whether or not you have the ability to truly love anything.

4. Okkervil River - The Stand Ins: This probably would have been my album of the year if were just a 4 song EP featuring: Lost Coastlines, Blue Tulips**, Calling and Not Calling My Ex and Interview with Bruce Wayne Campbell. That's not to the say the other 4 non-instrumental songs on this album are bad, quite the opposite in fact. Those songs main problem is the fact that they're paired with the aforementioned 'Big 4'. I also probably would have had this album higher if I hadn't played it for a 2 months straight followed by other members of my family playing it for two more months straight. That's a pretty good recipe right there for how to OD on an album.

3. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago: I'm sure I've written or talked about this analogy before in regards to other albums, but I don't really care. Bon Iver's debut album reminds me of the Shaq-Kobe Lakers teams that were a mini-dynasty at the beginning of this decade. You've got two iconic superstars: Skinny Love and the title track. And there surrounded by a slew of great role players, who don't necessarily stand out on their own, but they compliment the two superstars perfectly. I feel like this is the best possible explanation for this great album. And for those of you wondering, Flume is obviously ‘Big Shot’ Bob Horry in this analogy.

2. Girl Talk - Feed the Animals: Some people might frown upon Girl Talk's inclusion on this list, since none of this album is original material, it's all mash-ups. My justification, not that I feel like I need one (see the 2^nd paragraph of this post), is that while all the songs Gregg Gillis is using were originally other people's, they now belong to him. Much the same way as when Johnny Cash covers a song, it then becomes one of his songs^. Hurt is no longer a Trent Reznor or NIN song, it's a Cash song. I feel the exact same way about the music in Feed the Animals, anytime I hear a song that’s on here out of the context of this mash-up it feels foreign and wrong. And that's why this album is on this list, because even though he's breaking multiple copyright laws and getting sued out the a$$, the songs on this album now belong to Mr. Gillis. And they're all pretty damned amazing.

1. Spiritualized - Songs in A+E: What can I say about this album that I haven't already written or forcefully told people who didn't want to hear about it? I've been playing this record at least once a week for the past 6 months and I've yet to tire of it. The sum of its whole is better than the individual parts, which is a marking of any great album. I don't want to be hyperbolic, but Songs in A+E is pretty much perfect.

Until We Meet Again
* Context probably not necessary...
** Be sure to hit up youtube and check out Bon Iver's cover of this son
^ With the exception of his covers of Bridge of Troubled Water and In My Life and maybe one or two other songs I'm currently forgetting

A Guide to Year-End Music Lists

Now that the holiday season is upon us the time has come for people to take a step back and examine the year that was. Magazines of all kinds will be coming out with their year end lists on music, films, tv shows, video games, etc. I'm a sucker for these types of lists, especially the music ones. So I've decided to create a guide to these year end music lists. I’ll start with the heavy hitters and work my way down the pedigree line, here goes:

Rolling Stone

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: Once the pinnacle of music magazines, Rolling Stones (RS) has declined significantly the past decade or so. The mag now seems more interested in politics and pop culture, music seems to have been put on the back burners. There list will be a great source of ridiculed by anyone who has an opinion on music.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
"RS is really out of touch with the musical world. That haven't been culturally relevant in years."
"I can't believe they put (insert any major label release that hasn't received acclaim from the likes of Pitchfork, Stereogum or Flux Blog) on their list. They don't know a damn thing about music."
"They obviously put (insert any indie album that'd made the cut) on there to try and up there street cred. Talk about pandering"

What the List Will Look Like: Any artist who was even remotely popular in the 60's, 70's or 80's that put out an album this year is pretty much assured to be on there. All sure fire top 40 hits (Britney Spears, Panic at the Disco!, etc.) will also make the list to show that they're not pretentious and can relate to the youth of America. Any pseduo-indie record that had any crossover success or received acclaim will be on there to show that they're still relevant. So pretty much all the pretentious sh*t people will say about this list will be true.

Pitchfork

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: The king of indie music and hipsterdom still has its crown, only now you'll be hard pressed to find anyone who admits to still reading this site. Their list is all but assured of being the most through and analytical of any on the market. It will also be the most condescending and pretentious list you could ever hope to find.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
"Man Pitchfork's writers are so pretentious and bitter. Who still reads that garbage?"
“This list was so heavy handed and preachy, reading it felt like going to church”
"They're all so caught in being trendsetters that they've forgotten why they liked music in the first place. Pretty much anything those guys write should be considered a conflict of interest" (If you say all this in order to any music snob they’ll enthusiastically nod their head in agreement and not question anything you say for at least 6 weeks)

What the List Will Look Like: The albums are subject to change, but their top 10 will included:

- Hard to listen to Noise-Rock band that tries too hard to sound like Sonic Youth and My Bloody Valentine, but doesn't have the pay off of either of those bands.
- Some sort of Euro-techno-dance pop
- Mainstream Hip-Hop to show how forward thinking they are (Most likely Lil' Wayne or Young Jeezy. Maybe both)
- TV on the Radio
- Any type of music that can be described as "an acquired taste"
- Absolutely no indie band that received any sort of crossover success, regardless of the album's merit.
- Some ambient, techno or trip-hop band with an obscenity in their title

Paste

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: Paste Magazine has always been like that friend of the opposite sex whom you grew up with and is madly in love with you. They're great as a friend, but you know that if you ever got seriously involved with them you'd be settling to the nth degree. Still that's not gonna stop you from hooking up with them when you're intoxicated at some holiday party, cause after all they're cute and unthreatening. As a critical magazine, Paste is cute, enjoyable and non-threatening, but not to be taken seriously. Paste's list will be very respectable, but it will also err on the safe side.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
"Paste had a pretty solid list, but I think they put (pick any album in their top 5 and you'll probably be safe) too high"

What the List Will Look Like: A whole lot like mine. The list will be safe and have every decent indie album that came out this year on it. And their top choice will be some sort of faux-controversial pick that no one will, you guessed it, take seriously.

Blender

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: This list will consist almost entirely of Billboard Top 40 music. The blurbs will be written by someone who’s either: moonlighting from Maxim or who's favorite song is "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends: Nothing, people with any opinion on music don't acknowledge Blender's existence

What the List Will Look Like: Itunes Top Downloads list circa October of this year.

NME or another British Magazine

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: That the words bloke, bloody, joskin, daft, cracker, lad(s), etc., will be used unironically

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
(If they dislike Brit Mags) “The list isn’t horrible, but (insert magazines name) is so obsessed with crowning the next Oasis that they overlook sooooo [overemphasized] much good music.”
(If they like Brit Mags) “Pretty good list. I wish American critics had this good of taste.”

What the List Will Look Like: These lists are sure to include: Any new band that sounds like Oasis. Oasis’ new album. And for reasons unknown, Kings of Leon will be in the top 5.

Until We Meet Again

There Are Things That We've Done That We Cannot Undo

The title for this post is taken from the lyrics of one of my favorite Matt Pond PA songs: "New Hampshire". I've always loved this lyrics despite it's simplicity and (as you'll soon see) it seemed like an appropriate title. But as I began to dwell on this particular lyric, it started to bug me. I get what he's aiming for with this line, that there are certain things you do and say that you can't fix. But, analytically speaking, aren't all things that you do things that cannot be done? I'm mean you can obviously fix situations and apologize for what you said and/or done. But you're not undoing what you've already done, you're just fixing it. Think about how in every romantic comedy the main guy screws up and then spends the rest of the moving atoning for his mistake so that the girl will take him back. In the end she always does, but not because he undid whatever it was that made him lose her in the first place. He merely fixed the problem*. So really, when you think about it, this line is merely stating the obvious, with a degree of untruth in it. That said, I still like this line. I'm a dichotomous individual.

Anyhow, below are a few stories of things I've been apart of or witness that I wish had gone differently, i.e. Things that I've done (or saw) that I'd like to undo (get it?). Let's just move on to the stories before someone makes a "That Thing You Do" pun.

- Let's start with a little 3rd person perspective here. After Lute Olson retired, former recruit Brandon Jennings (goggle him if you don't know the whole story) was quoted in ESPN The Magazine saying "See, I don't look so dumb for not going to Arizona now do I". Actually Brandon you do. The only reason you're currently playing pro ball in Europe is because you couldn't get the SAT grade needed to qualify academically for the U of A. You took the test 3 times and only passed once and the one time you did pass you're score rose so dramatically that everyone was certain you had cheated. So you could only qualify academically by cheating. Considering you get over a third of the points needed to pass just by spelling your name correctly, I say you still look pretty dumb for not going to the U of A. Real effing dumb in fact.

- Ok so that first one had nothing to do with this blogs title, but that quotes been bugging me for awhile and I had to say something. The rest of these actually make sense. Hopefully

- So a few weeks ago I went to see the Crooked Fingers in concert (there music not for everyone, but I personally love them. Probably a little too much). Anyways they put on a tremendous show and all that jazz, but that's not what's important here. What's important is that through at the show I, and everyone I was with, including my sister in-law, kept on noting how beautiful the bassists/violinists/back up vocalist was. As the show began to build towards it's conclusion and while the euphoria was building inside of me, I decided that I was going to talk to her after the show. When the show ended we all went outside to catch are collective breath. As luck would have it, the band came out to meet there to meet their fans and stood about 5 feet away from us. Naturally I stood there frozen and avoided eye contact with the bassist at all costs. After a few minutes the bassist went back inside, walking towards the bar.
I figured this was my chance to seize the moment. I had it all planned out in my head. We meet at the bar, I'd buy her a drink and say something like: "Hi, my name's Calvin. I'm 23 and still live at home and have no plans for my future. I think you're music is rad.". Of course this was going to sweep her off her feet and she would fall head over heels in love with me, so my confidence was riding high. However, she ruined everything and passed the bar and stop at their merchandise table instead. I then chickened out an ducked into the bathroom instead of talking to her. As I stalled in the bathroom I began to regained my compuser. I told myself that I had to talk to her, if for no other reason then to prove to myself that I could do it. Triumphantly I exited the men's room and saw my muse packing up her equipment. So I went up to her and told her: “You guys put on a great show”. She turned around with a pick in her mouth and said thanks for coming out. I then tried to say “Yeah, you guys are great”. I got the first four words out fine, but instead of saying great, I said something “groat”. Mortified by my inability to speak I walked away, head hung low. And that’s why, you don’t fall in love with band chicks

- So I had more to write about, but I’m tired and lazy. Happy Thanksgiving All

Until We Meet Again
* The Back To the Future trilogy is an exception to this rule.

An Obamanation: A Fistfull of Thoughts on the Election

So the election is finally over, and we have our first (sorta)* black President. Congratulations to Barrack Obama for becoming the Jackie Robinson of the Oval Office.

For those of you who were wondering, I did not vote. The thing is, I actually liked both these candidates before the election started. Then as the compromises started to build on both sides as November neared (I see you Palin), I started to just get sick of both of them. In the end the only reason I could think of to vote for one over the other had to do with the unabridged version of an essay written about McCain for Rolling Stone 8 years ago by a now dead alcoholic (DFW!). So in the end I didn't vote, because I believe you should actually have convictions, or at the very least some motivation, when you vote. Clearly I had neither.

I guess I'm happy for Barrack and I wish him the best of luck, although I highly doubt his Presidency is going to affect me in any real way. Mainly I'm just excited that this thing is over and all those boring people who decided they needed to have an opinion on everything over the past 6 months can go back to having nothing to talk about. What follows will be a brief rundown of my election day** and let me assure you that almost none of it has to do with actual politics.

- Let's get the political stuff out of the way. My favorite this year was 102, which here in Arizona was designed to define marriage as a union between a MAN and WOMAN. What exactly is the purpose of this prop? To make gay marriage even more illegal? I just don't understand this, although the ad campaign for Prop. 102 was pretty hilarious. Anyway, this prop. passed as did a similar one in California. Heterosexuals 1, Gays 0

- The majority of my day was spent at Starbucks, which was an absolute clusterf*ck. The company decided it would be a great idea to give out a free tall cup of coffee, and so the majority of my day looked like this:

Customer: Hey you guys are giving away free drinks to people who voted?
Me: Yeah you can get a free tall coffee, hot or iced.
Customer: What about Frappaccinos?
Me: Um, no. Like I just said a free tall cup of coffee, hot or iced?
Customer: Ah, what about an iced tea or a latte?
Me: Are you serious? I've told you twice in a row now what you get for free. Do I really need to say it a third time?
Customer: Besides the coffee, what else can I get for free?
Me: (Looking around for a blunt object to bludgeon myself with)

Repeat that exchange roughly 375 times and you have my day. I wish I was joking. Here's another exchange I frequently had with customers

Customer: Well my child voted today, can they have a free drink as well ?
Me: Yes, they can have free tall coffee, hot or iced.
Customer: But they're only a kid, they don't drink coffee...
Me: Well I'm sorry, but that's all I can do
Customer: That can't have a free Frappuccino or something?
Me: No, sorry.
Customer: But they're only a kid...
Me: Tell you what, how about I give your child a free pretend beverage of their choice for the pretend election they partook in today.

Ok well I never actually said that last part, but lord knows I wanted to. Now some of you make think I'm over exaggerating, let me assure you I am not. Or perhaps you think I'm a little too angry and cynical about this, but two days have passed since then and I'm still jarred by this whole experience. I can honestly say this was one of the worst days of work I've ever had.

- Another thing that happened to me at work was that I got yelled at by managers and customers alike for asking people who they voted for. Apparently this is taboo, because such information can occasionally cause heated arguments. I guess I can understand that, but then people kept going a step further and telling me that the information is private and very personal. Now this I can't understand. If you do something in a public place and then wear a sticker promoting that you did it, is that thing really that private? I don't know about you, but when something is private in my life, I certainly don't wear a sticker to promote this "private or personal" thing. People also generally don't put a bumper sticker on their car promoting something private. In fact, I go out of my way to keep private things private. There's a reason you don't see people wearing "I'm an alcoholic"*** or "I have marital problems" stickers. It's because these things are truly private, people want to keep them out of the public light. They also don't go around collecting free swag they get for something that's supposable highly private and personal.

- On a closing note, during a rare slow period in my day a woman came in decked out from head to toe in Obama gear. I sarcastically asked her who she was voting for, to which she replied:

"I voted for the man who's gonna change this country"

I sat there for a second debating whether or not to explain to this woman that our government is set up to run off a series of checks and balances, essentially negating the possibility that one person could actually change the country on their own. Instead I just stood there and said: "Wow". Now I'm not very intelligent by any meaning of the word, but the ignorance in this country is truly mind blowing at times.

This woman then proceed to haggle with me about whether or not she could get something other than a tall coffee for her free beverage.

God Bless America


Until We Meet Again
* Technically, dude's 1/6 black, that's all I'm saying.
** Or as some are calling it: Black Tuesday
*** Unless you're in AA

On Pants and the Future. And, Perhaps, the Future of Pants

One quick housekeeping note before we begin. I’m still a wreck after U of A Basketball’s 9/11, i.e. Lute’s retirement and all the bs that has followed it. And, unfortunately for the 12 people who read my blog, I’m probably not done writing about it. My peeps and I have been compiling a mix for the Silver Fox (Lute Olson for those of you unschooled in U of A) and once it’s finished I’ll post full details on that. Also I’m sure I’ll have something to say on the inevitable bad hire Jim Livengood makes when hiring Lute’s replacement. But we’re going to put all that away for another day. Now, on to lighter topics:

Since the Simpsons have been on pretty much my entire life, it’s easy to forget just how ingenious the show is. It also doesn’t help the show is so heavily syndicated that it’s literally on 45 times a day. I was watching and old episode the other day and I’d forgotten about one of my all-time favorite Simpson’s moments. It in the episode where Krusty, doing standup comedy, goes on a rant about consumerism and commercialism and how it’s wrecking our society. To culminate his point he then pulls out a hundred dollar bill and lights it on fire. The rest of the crowd is so inspired they take their money out and start burning it as well. The next night Homer and his friends go back to hear Krusty talk again, Lenny explains that he brought a sac full of money just in case Krusty tells them to burn it again. Homer then remarks “I hope he tells us to burn our pants, these things are killing me.” As Krusty then comes out and the crowd is cheering, Homer then yells my favorite line of dialogue ever: “Don’t you hate pants?”

Of all the amazing social truths this show has touched on in its 20+ years on the air, this one hit home with me the most. I hate pants, about as passionately as a person can hate an article of clothing. Pants are like White Supremacists, they’re oppressive, restrictive and we’d all be better off without them around. Before we further deconstruct that last sentence, it’s time for a list that proves my point. Below is a list of the most comfortable undergarments a person can wear, in order of least to most comfortable:

7. Kahki’s/Dress Slacks
6. Jeans
5. Shorts
4. Pajama Pants
3. Cargo Shorts
2. Athletic Shorts
1. Boxers/Underwear

No one in their right man can possibly refute this list, with the possible exception of Pajama Pants inclusion or placement. Other than that though, the list is flawless. Which brings back to the Homer Simpson phrase that started me down this thought path “Don’t you hate pants?”. Honestly, you can’t tell me that you’re life wouldn’t be better if you didn’t have to wear pants. Or at the very least you were allowed to wear athletic shorts to work as oppose to chinos or some other type of dress pants. So in the spirit of election seasons, let’s all band together and make a pantless future a reality. Let’s just say no, to pants. YES WE CAN!!!!*

Until We Meet Again
* Since this is probably the only time I’ll reference or write about the election, have you ever heard of a more simplistic or ambiguous slogan for a campaign then “Yes We Can”? It reminds of a Spin City episode I saw forever and a day ago in which one of the character (no idea who it was and I’m too lazy to look it up) was staging a protest. He and all the other protesters are sort of half heartedly walking around chanting this run on sentence that is far too long to be effective. Another on of the shows main character then shows up, notes that their chant is too long and then starts a “Let’s go Mets” cheer. The crowd then bursts into life and joins in the “Lets go Mets” cheer. Police then immediately intervene and drag away the character who started the “Let’s go Mets” cheer, even though he wasn’t even part of the protest. This is what the “Yes We Can” slogan makes me think of.

Also, in the interest of equal exposure for both tickets, let me just say that if you actually need Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber to tell you that Obama’s tax plan is Socialistic, then you shouldn’t be allowed to vote in this or any election. God I hate this country.

Silent, Like a Whisper

I was at work in the middle of the morning rush when I received multiple texts messages all telling me the same thing: Lute Olson had effectively retired as the coach of my Arizona Wildcats. Soon as I got off I made phone calls to people in the know who told me the exact same thing. I rushed home and checked ESPN which confirmed all of this. Lute was done and even though I was prepared for all of this by the ugliness that was last season, it still hurt.

First let me just say that I never thought I’d live to see the day when the Arizona Cardinals were the best thing going in the Arizona sports world. And now that I’ve jinxed them let’s move on to Lute.

I’ve always loved, defended to the death and respected Lute, even after he started to slowly lose it following the death of his wife Bobbi. As corny and unrealistic as it may sound, Lute’s always seemed like a Grandpa to me. I can honestly say that I care a great deal about him and his welfare despite never having actually met him. Lute is one of the greatest college coaches of all time, and despite the petty bickering that’s increased these past few years, he always seemed to do the right thing and have the best interest of others in mind.

My respect for Lute has actually grown through out this whole ordeal of the past few years. It’s obvious now that Lute never had any intention of returning to coaching when he took his leave of absence last year. The only reason he even came back momentarily was to save the program he gave his heart and soul to from falling apart entirely. He went out and got seemingly competent assistants to take over the program and stay around just long enough to hold on to a few recruits and veterans so that this years team will at least be respectable. The fact that he wasted 6 months out of his life just to hold this program together says all you need to know about this man’s character. Now the words from his final press conference (about how he’s tired and wishing he could take back his April press conference when he lambasted the local media) aren’t sweet and reassuring, they’ve now become sad and a little haunting. And yes I’m fully aware that this all maybe coming across as over dramatic, but this is honestly how I feel. You can insert you’re on joke about me caring too much about sports and not having a life here if you want

Lute, I know you won’t be reading this, but thank you. Thanks for everything you’ve done for this town and for me over the years. It pains me that this will be your epilogue. You truly deserved better, despite what that prick Greg Hansen probably thinks. For some reason all I can think of now is the Kent song “747” about a place crash from which I took the title of this post. I feel like that adequately sums up my feelings on this whole situation. Lute, I hope that you find happiness away from the game of basketball in whatever time you have left. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Until We Meet Again

Here I Am. Rock You Like a… Something Other Then a Hurricane

Ok so I haven’t written anything in a few weeks, but that’s because I’ve been to busy rocking. Literally. Over the past two weeks I’ve been able to watch an amazing string of shows thanks to my going to San Diego Street Scene and thanks to some great bands traveling through Tucson on their way to Austin City Limits. Below is a list of all the bands I got to see as well as some brief comments from me about the show. So have fun with this or just ignore it since it’s something only I would enjoy reading.

Street Scene

Chester French

Likes: When it ended

Dislikes: Because I’ve done some growing up, I no longer hate people. In fact I try not to dwell on anyone long enough to even actively dislike them. However, I’ll make in exception to all this to both openly and actively hate the a--hole who fronts Chester French. I only saw this band because they were the first band playing at Street Scene and because the next two bands I wanted to see were playing on the same stage. I should have known what was coming when this douche took the stage and announced that “Today is all about grabbing boobs and tearing pubes out”. Not only was he dead serious, but he also thought it was really cool to say it. I could literally fill up 3-4 paragraphs as to why this guy is one of the bigger tools alive, but he’s probably got a proximity boner just knowing that someone in the world is actually talking about him, so I’ll stop now.

MGMT

Likes: Time to Pretend and Kids

Dislikes: No, I’m not the type of guy who sees bands just for their singles, but these were the only two songs by MGMT that I could remotely enjoy because of the audience. MGMT’s fanbase apparently consists of a bunch of young hipsters who have never been to a show before. There was bandanas and faux-Days of Thunder sunglasses as far as the eye. I, who am by no stretch of the imagination a small individual, got trampled during this show just because these young f*cks had no idea what to do at a concert. It was pretty embarrassing for everyone involved.

New Pornographers

Likes: I’ve seen the New Pornographers 3 times before and they’re always amazingly tight and together for everyone of their shows. This show was no exception.

Dislikes: The absence of band mates Neko Case and Dan Bejar, my two favorite members of New Prono’s. A.C. Newman’s topical political commentary. Shocking as this maybe to some of you, I didn’t go see the New Pornographers took learn the political takes of some Canadian band’s lead singer. The only time any band should announce their political leanings is if they’re playing at a show to support a particular candidate. And by playing that show you’ve given everyone all the commentary they need, so just stick to music. Honestly.

GZA

Likes: Hearing my favorite rap album of all-time almost all the way through. Also, GZA was half and hour late and while me and my friend James waited for him to show up we debated why GZA was late. We decided he most likely was: A.) Bidding on a Rockaway shirt on Ebay B.) Playing Duck Hunt or C.) Deconstructing “Fear and Trembling” with the RZA, a.k.a. Bobby Digital*

Dislikes: GZA being over half an hour late and therefore having to cut his set short.

Devotchka

Likes: If you’ve never listen to Devotchka’s music or seen them live I highly recommend doing both, because they’re pretty effing awesome.

Dislikes: Thanks to GZA’s late start, Devotchka also had to cut their set short, and thus they failed to play most of the songs I wanted to hear.

Spiritualized

Likes: I started the 2nd day of Street Scene about as perfectly as it possibly could. I was literally in the front row for Spiritualized who put on one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. Just wall to wall distortion the entire set. The band even employees two gospel singers to take the backing vocals and in now way are they even remotely gimmicky, much to my pleasant surprise. In fact, they didn’t even play half the songs I wanted to hear and it was still an incredible show. I’m going to ignore the obvious pun implications and say that Spirtitualized’s live show was very near a religious experience for me.

Dislikes: When it ended

Cold War Kids

Likes: Um…

Dislikes: I don’t think I was able to accurately judge the Cold War Kids because they literally went on right after Spiritualized and I was still in a fog from that show. That and I only saw about 20 minutes of their show. Even then though, the Cold War Kids were kinda of embarrassing. Watching them it feels like they’re trying way too hard to act like a rock band. It’s like they had no idea what to do on stage so their manager gave them videos of Thom Yorke, Angus Young and Nirvana-era David Grohl and told them to study up. Watch some of their live clips on Youtube or even one of their music videos and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Tokyo Police Club

Likes: While I was still in a semi-fog from the Spiritualized show, Tokyo Police Club managed to knock me out of it by rocking, hard. Just about everything that I like about them transfers over perfectly in a live setting. Just a very, very solid show.

Dislikes: Their lead singer’s voice is mainly neutral, not adding or taking away from anything, on most of their records, but it seems to be their only weak spot in the bands live shows.

The Hives

I didn’t really see the Hives play, but they were performing across the way from the stage I was waiting at. I never really liked the Hives, and their lead singer appears to be an egotistical jackass. For the few songs that I had to watch them perform on the jumbo screen, it appears this man is totally and unequivocally in love with himself. He seems like the kinds guy who listens to his own music at home and in his car and requests that females wear a mirror over their face when he makes love to them. Just an all around douche baggy performance by, you guessed it, a giant douche.

Tegan and Sara

Likes: Just about everything. For being lesbian twin sisters, Tegan and Sara put on a pretty great show. They were humorous, gracious and musically sound. Pretty much everything I want from a band whose music I’m only vaguely familiar with. They also took 30 seconds of their show to cover “Umbrella” . Tegan, or was it Sara, then said that Rhianna was her future wife, which was funny. They find Rhianna attractive, I find Rhianna attractive, we’ve have a lot in common.

Dislikes: Not knowing which team all the attractive girls at this show were playing for. Never has checking girls out at a concert out been so confusing.

The National

Likes: I ended the second day at Street Scene the same way I began it: with a transcendent show from one of my favorite bands. I could gush for several pages about how amazing this show was and how much I love The National, but that would just make everyone whose still reading really uncomfortable so I’ll just say that they were amazing and leave it at that.

Dislikes: When it ended.

Shows in Tucson

Vampire Weekend

This was a really unusual show. It was thrown together so Vampire Weekend and Hot Chip could make some money while traveling from California to ACL. Vampire puts on a pretty good show, but for the most part they seem like a band who doesn’t want to be famous. Maybe they just didn’t give two sh*ts about this particular show, but they seemed very distant the entire time. The drummer was the only band member with any consistent energy, as well as being the only one of them who looks like he should be in a rock band. I imagine there’s no difference between the show Vampire Weekend put on for us then when they’re all stoned and playing at one of their beach house in the Hamptons. My favorite member of Vampire Weekend was their keyboardists, who seems utterly conflicted on stage. It’s like his Dad’s pissed that he became a rockstar instead of being a CPA. It appears to really be eating at him, like he doesn’t know whether he should honor his father or rock out. Just a lot going on in
this young man’s mind… Or at least that’s what I told myself.

Hot Chip

This show was best summed up by my friend Billy who said: “This is everything I want in a live show and nothing I want in a band”. I couldn’t agree more. Although I could probably do without a fat keyboardist continually humping his instrument.

Zygos

Zygos put on a very good show for an opening band. At the end of their set all the members of Okkervil River joined them on stage to sing their last song. It was a giant sausage fest as 15 or so dudes attempted to rock out on a stage that can’t be more then 10 x 20 feet. Both bands were really, uncomfortably into each other. I imagine this exact same scenario takes place each night after their shows except there’s no audience and none of them are wearing pants.

Okkervil River

Likes: 3 years ago in Chicago I saw Okkervil River open for the Decemberist and became a much bigger fan of theirs after that. They’re an amazing band that puts on an equally as amazing show. They don’t play all their hits or their up tempo songs either, which I liked. I really respect a band that goes out of their way to alienate their fans

Dislikes: Their lead singer, Will Sheff, was very drunk and tweaking on one or multiple drugs. He was still able to sing all the songs and in most cases play the guitar. Although at one point he had his capo on the 6th fret and was still playing chords on the first fret, which was funny. They started every song way off because of Sheff’s intoxication, but they’d generally pull it together about midway through the first verse, which is an even greater testament to how talented they are. Also, I feel certain that Sheff’s going write a terrific album recovering from whatever drugs he’s currently on, so the show wasn’t an entire bust.

Until We Meet Again
* If they were in fact doing this I can only imagine they were saying things like “There’s some real shit in here man” and “That’s the leap of faith right there my n*gga”. No, I’m not racist. Why do you ask?

You Were Wrong When You Said Everything Was Gonna Be Alright: My Running Diary of the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards

For some unholy reason I had the urge to watch the VMAs last night. I also had the urge to write about them as well. I’m really not sure why any of this was. At first I thought it was because like me the VMAs were once relevant and our now just a sad, shallow version of its former self, but that’s not true. I was never relevant.
Well anyhow I watch the entire damn show, 2+ hours of my life that I desperately want back. But since I took notes the whole time I may as well share them with all of 12 of you. Even though no asked for or wanted it, here’s my running diary of the 2008 VMAs…

9:09 Oh damn, I’m late. Apparently I missed Rihanna performing and T-Pain riding in on an elephant. For some reason that seems racist, but what doesn’t these days? Russell Brand is your host tonight and he comes out way too pumped up and fires off a series of jokes about Bush’s presidency (how topical), the Jonas Brothers being virgins and Barak Obama. The jokes aren’t that funny mainly because he’s way too intense about all of them and they don’t really land with the audience either. He ends with an incredibly funny joke about the poor kid who impregnated Sarah Pailin’s daughter. You just may want to youtube that.

9:18 Jaime Fox comes out and reminds people that he’s actually funny. After congratulating TI on making bail, he then follows with “I’m just kidding, but seriously don’t shoot me”. Jaime announces best female something or other. Britney Spears wins it. Since you’re probably wondering, she looks as good as she ever has. She almost looks like a hologram of Britney Spears circa 2000. She seems heavily medicated, which is probably a good thing. Apparently all you need to do to win a VMA is give up your children and your dignity. Zing.

9:25 Demi Moore comes out to introduce Best Male Video, artist or some award of that nature. In other news Demi has still got it. Chris Brown wins it. Incidentally the only time I ever liked him was when guest starred on The OC for a view episodes in the final season. Also, I’m not really sure why he’s famous.

9:30 Jonas Brothers are here and they’re performing what I’m being told is a new song. I think everyone who ever spent anytime in a youth group knows at least two sets of brothers like this. Speaking of which, why/how are these guys famous again? I mean at least Hanson had a catchy song. And hear I thought virgins were suppose to be unpopular, zing (I’m on fire right now). One of the Brother s looks decidingly Jewish, even if decidingly isn’t actually a word. This song is really bad, not even a decent sh*tty pop song. Why did I want to watch this again?

9:34 DJ AM and Travis Barker are actually kicking a good deal of ass as the house band tonight. Katy Perry is now performing-ish in front of them right now. As it turns out, she can’t actually sing. Who saw that one coming?

9:37 I can’t decide if the Bill Gates-Jerry Seinfeld Microsoft commercials are funny or just painfully awkward. Perhaps we’ll never know.

9:39 We’re back. Katy Perry is still singing. She’s surprisingly wooden for someone who claims to be a pseudo-lesbian.

9:41 Michael Phelps comes out to say something and he’s as soul crushingly awkward as you probably imagined he’d be. He’s got the charisma of school bus fire*. He introduces Lil Wayne who’s preforming Got Money with T-Pain. At first I thought everyone liked Lil Wayne because there’s some sort of unwritten social code that says all white people have to fully embrace at least one mainstream hip hop album per year. But after listening to his album it’s actually really good, although I don’t think he can rap with a shirt on, which I guess is a downside. Does T-Pain even talk with a vocoder? Also is there any semi-intellectual African-American whose not woefully embarrassed by these two? I mean isn’t this the very definition of bojangling for the masses?

9:46 I’m pretty sure they didn’t do a run a walk through of the show because this thing seems painfully unorganized and awkward. Also there’s a good but of evidence to suggest that the editor of this program is drunk. This is just down right sloppy.

9:49 Lindsey Lohan comes out and tells us that this year America became a dance crazed nation. I missed this revolution entirely. A group or “dance crew” named fanny pack then wins something. I don’t even have a joke here. The Pussy Cat Dolls then win Best dancing in a video and “Thank God for being so awesome to us”. How radical of them.

9:54 There’s a movie coming out that stars Dane Cook and Jason Biggs, I may have to revisit my vision of Hell

9:57 Russell Brand talks about how Lil Wayne makes him feel better about masturbation. I don’t remember how he made the tie in but it was pretty hilarious. Paramore (who?) then performs. Their lead singer looks likes a combination of the girl from High Fidelity and Cheri Otteri.

10:07 It really seems like Brand doesn’t want to be here and started regretting his decision to host about midway through his opening monologue. Best Rock Video goes to Linkin Park for Shadow of the Day. I still really like that song. And did you know that there’s a chubby Asian Guy in Linkin Park? For some reason this seems entirely appropriate .

10:11 Miley Cyrus introduces Pink, making the VMAs relevant to pedophiles everywhere for a short moment. Kudos to whoever made Pink look like a women/human being for tonight’s show.

10:21 Ting Ting brings us back from the break and they really suck. I’ll never understand how some Indie bands become crossover hits, although I think being from England certainly helps. Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are now talking about something, and did you know they’re MARRIED!?!?!?!?!?!!?! The fact that either of them is famous makes me think the terrorists might be on to something.

10:25 Slipknot introduces best hip-hop video, great idea MTV. Who knew that awful band with an equally as lame gimmick would still be around? And McLovin is with them! His 15 minutes have to be almost up right? Lil Wayne wins and he has his shirt on now, so the ladies watching at home lose. He only has 3 people to thank: God, his family and all y’all. That was actually kinda cool.

10:27 TI’s performance of “You Can Have Whatever You Like” starts on the set of Newsies. He then goes to other sets that are far less enjoyable. Now he’s on stage with Rihanna and they keep showing shots of white people in the audience to further prove the point that no white person has ever know what to do when rap music is playing.

10:35 LL Cool J’s clothing line is only available at Sears. I feel like both parties severely missed the mark on this one

10:37 The cast of High School Musical is here, hooray. They introduce Christina Aguilera. It’s really a shame no one ever taught her how to under sing. She’s dressed like a hooker in a sci-fi film and singing a remixed medley of some of her hits. This is truly painful.

10:43 Lauren Conrad comes out with one of the gay guys from Gossip Girl to introduce Best New Artist. Tokio Hotel wins it. They apparently allowed the creator of Cowboy Beebop to dress them tonight. I’ve never heard of these guys before but I feel pretty certain they’re either gay or foreign, maybe both. What’s the difference these days?

10:50 Either Flo Rida or LL Cool J brought us back from the break this time. Travis Barker on the drums actually makes whoever it is sound really good.

10:54 Paris Hilton comes out to give the award for Best Pop Video and can’t find the teleprompter. I’m starting to think her stupidity is all an act, no one can actually be that dumb right? Britney wins again for those of you scoring at home. Lupe takes us to commercial with the help of DJ AM and Mr. Barker. Why the hell are they cutting away from the first performance I’ve actually wanted to watch all night?

11:03 Two kids I’ve never heard of come out to introduce… Kid Rock. What?!?!?!!? He’s still alive? And making music? Holy Sh*t, I’m literally speechless. I was in no way prepared for this. And oh Jebus now he’s rapping a Warren Zevon classic for the verse of his new song. I think I’m gonna vomit.

11:08 I switch over to Sportscenter just in time to see highlights of my Diamondbacks losing to the Dodger in a game Bob Melvin over managed into the ground. Glad I got to relive that today. Why do I follow sports again?

11:12 Back on MTV Kobe Bryant is on stage to give the Video of the Year award and I show a great deal of self control by not making any rape or adultery jokes. Britney wins it, hoo-f*cking-ray

11:17 Kanye closes out the show with his new song Love Lockdown. It’s actually really, really good. That was an awesome performance, However not nearly awesome enough to justify me watching this entire gawd awful show. Goodnight and here’s to me never watching the VMAs again, much less writing about them.

Until We Meet Again
* Line stolen from the Bob Saget , although I used it in a different, less funny context

Open Letters to Bands, Some of Whom I like, Others…

To: Cold War Kids

Ok, so I don’t really know much about your band, especially the interworkings or group hierarchy and such. In fact I was too lazy to find out who your producer has been for your first two albums. In my mind, none of that really matters. The fact of the matter is you guys are a pretty decent band who’s a simple solution away from becoming great. Please severely lower your lead singers voice in the mix, just bury it. That way people can focus on what you do best, just about everything else. You guys make some really good music whose effectiveness is severely lessened by the overpowering volume of what I can only assume is some musical theatre major doing a Jeff Buckley impression. So please, drastically lower that man’s voice in the mix. Thank you

To: Katy Perry

I just can’t get over how shocking you are. Anytime someone mentions your name my jaw instantaneously drops because you’re just so shocking. You’re so shocking you should probably hang out with whoever writes Weeds, because they’re shocking too. Wow, you’re just so SHOCKING!!!

To: Chris Martin

You’re half way to looking like a 70’s porn star with that awesome curly ‘fro you’re sporting in the Viva La Vida video. Now please grow a mustache.

To: Bloc Party

Whoever told you people were listening to your music because of lyrics was either dead wrong or someone playing a really mean, intricate, practical joke. You’ve now become a worse, less self aware version of the Cure. And while I give you kudos for somehow being less self aware then Robert Smith and CO. your new music really isn’t any good. On behalf of everyone who liked your 1^st album I’m asking that you to please once again put the drum and bass line at the top of your mix and try to recapture the raw power and energy that made you good in the first place. Thanks.

To: Maroon 5/ Counting Crows

It feels like I’ve been seeing promos for your joint live show for the past 3 years. It would appear that no one wants to see you live, just move on already.

To: Whoever Wrote Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

Yes, I do in fact realize you’re not a band. I’ve seen the trailer to your movie and it looks overly contrived and terrible. I haven’t seen that much pandering since (insert topical political joke here*). I mean honestly, why didn’t you just call this film “A sad sack of sh*t attempting to cash in on hipsters and Juno fans**”?

To: The Pernice Brothers

I need to apologize for just now getting into you guys. I really can’t believe it took me this long. As it turns out you’re everything I’ve ever wanted from a band since I was a sophomore in High School. Thanks for being you.

To: Usher

No sir, I have never made love to a thug in the club with his sights on. Speaking of which, what exactly do you mean by “sights on”? Are people now wearing night vision googles ‘in the club’, because really that’s the only plausible explanation I could think of. Also, could I get permission to use the “I’ll be like your medicine, you’ll take every dose of me” line when spitting game at the ladies or do I need to ask Jeezy for that?

Until We Meet Again

* Your options include but are not limited to: Obama rattling off every democratic ideal of the last 5o years during his speech at the DNC; McCain choosing a female running mate in an attempt to get the Femi-Nazi/Hilary Clinton vote.

** What’s the difference between hipsters and fans of Juno you ask? Well, I don’t really know.