A Guide to Year-End Music Lists

Now that the holiday season is upon us the time has come for people to take a step back and examine the year that was. Magazines of all kinds will be coming out with their year end lists on music, films, tv shows, video games, etc. I'm a sucker for these types of lists, especially the music ones. So I've decided to create a guide to these year end music lists. I’ll start with the heavy hitters and work my way down the pedigree line, here goes:

Rolling Stone

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: Once the pinnacle of music magazines, Rolling Stones (RS) has declined significantly the past decade or so. The mag now seems more interested in politics and pop culture, music seems to have been put on the back burners. There list will be a great source of ridiculed by anyone who has an opinion on music.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
"RS is really out of touch with the musical world. That haven't been culturally relevant in years."
"I can't believe they put (insert any major label release that hasn't received acclaim from the likes of Pitchfork, Stereogum or Flux Blog) on their list. They don't know a damn thing about music."
"They obviously put (insert any indie album that'd made the cut) on there to try and up there street cred. Talk about pandering"

What the List Will Look Like: Any artist who was even remotely popular in the 60's, 70's or 80's that put out an album this year is pretty much assured to be on there. All sure fire top 40 hits (Britney Spears, Panic at the Disco!, etc.) will also make the list to show that they're not pretentious and can relate to the youth of America. Any pseduo-indie record that had any crossover success or received acclaim will be on there to show that they're still relevant. So pretty much all the pretentious sh*t people will say about this list will be true.

Pitchfork

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: The king of indie music and hipsterdom still has its crown, only now you'll be hard pressed to find anyone who admits to still reading this site. Their list is all but assured of being the most through and analytical of any on the market. It will also be the most condescending and pretentious list you could ever hope to find.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
"Man Pitchfork's writers are so pretentious and bitter. Who still reads that garbage?"
“This list was so heavy handed and preachy, reading it felt like going to church”
"They're all so caught in being trendsetters that they've forgotten why they liked music in the first place. Pretty much anything those guys write should be considered a conflict of interest" (If you say all this in order to any music snob they’ll enthusiastically nod their head in agreement and not question anything you say for at least 6 weeks)

What the List Will Look Like: The albums are subject to change, but their top 10 will included:

- Hard to listen to Noise-Rock band that tries too hard to sound like Sonic Youth and My Bloody Valentine, but doesn't have the pay off of either of those bands.
- Some sort of Euro-techno-dance pop
- Mainstream Hip-Hop to show how forward thinking they are (Most likely Lil' Wayne or Young Jeezy. Maybe both)
- TV on the Radio
- Any type of music that can be described as "an acquired taste"
- Absolutely no indie band that received any sort of crossover success, regardless of the album's merit.
- Some ambient, techno or trip-hop band with an obscenity in their title

Paste

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: Paste Magazine has always been like that friend of the opposite sex whom you grew up with and is madly in love with you. They're great as a friend, but you know that if you ever got seriously involved with them you'd be settling to the nth degree. Still that's not gonna stop you from hooking up with them when you're intoxicated at some holiday party, cause after all they're cute and unthreatening. As a critical magazine, Paste is cute, enjoyable and non-threatening, but not to be taken seriously. Paste's list will be very respectable, but it will also err on the safe side.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
"Paste had a pretty solid list, but I think they put (pick any album in their top 5 and you'll probably be safe) too high"

What the List Will Look Like: A whole lot like mine. The list will be safe and have every decent indie album that came out this year on it. And their top choice will be some sort of faux-controversial pick that no one will, you guessed it, take seriously.

Blender

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: This list will consist almost entirely of Billboard Top 40 music. The blurbs will be written by someone who’s either: moonlighting from Maxim or who's favorite song is "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends: Nothing, people with any opinion on music don't acknowledge Blender's existence

What the List Will Look Like: Itunes Top Downloads list circa October of this year.

NME or another British Magazine

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: That the words bloke, bloody, joskin, daft, cracker, lad(s), etc., will be used unironically

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
(If they dislike Brit Mags) “The list isn’t horrible, but (insert magazines name) is so obsessed with crowning the next Oasis that they overlook sooooo [overemphasized] much good music.”
(If they like Brit Mags) “Pretty good list. I wish American critics had this good of taste.”

What the List Will Look Like: These lists are sure to include: Any new band that sounds like Oasis. Oasis’ new album. And for reasons unknown, Kings of Leon will be in the top 5.

Until We Meet Again