To: Cold War Kids
Ok, so I don’t really know much about your band, especially the interworkings or group hierarchy and such. In fact I was too lazy to find out who your producer has been for your first two albums. In my mind, none of that really matters. The fact of the matter is you guys are a pretty decent band who’s a simple solution away from becoming great. Please severely lower your lead singers voice in the mix, just bury it. That way people can focus on what you do best, just about everything else. You guys make some really good music whose effectiveness is severely lessened by the overpowering volume of what I can only assume is some musical theatre major doing a Jeff Buckley impression. So please, drastically lower that man’s voice in the mix. Thank you
To: Katy Perry
I just can’t get over how shocking you are. Anytime someone mentions your name my jaw instantaneously drops because you’re just so shocking. You’re so shocking you should probably hang out with whoever writes Weeds, because they’re shocking too. Wow, you’re just so SHOCKING!!!
To: Chris Martin
You’re half way to looking like a 70’s porn star with that awesome curly ‘fro you’re sporting in the Viva La Vida video. Now please grow a mustache.
To: Bloc Party
Whoever told you people were listening to your music because of lyrics was either dead wrong or someone playing a really mean, intricate, practical joke. You’ve now become a worse, less self aware version of the Cure. And while I give you kudos for somehow being less self aware then Robert Smith and CO. your new music really isn’t any good. On behalf of everyone who liked your 1st album I’m asking that you to please once again put the drum and bass line at the top of your mix and try to recapture the raw power and energy that made you good in the first place. Thanks.
To: Maroon 5/ Counting Crows
It feels like I’ve been seeing promos for your joint live show for the past 3 years. It would appear that no one wants to see you live, just move on already.
To: Whoever Wrote Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist
Yes, I do in fact realize you’re not a band. I’ve seen the trailer to your movie and it looks overly contrived and terrible. I haven’t seen that much pandering since (insert topical political joke here*). I mean honestly, why didn’t you just call this film “A sad sack of sh*t attempting to cash in on hipsters and Juno fans**”?
To: The Pernice Brothers
I need to apologize for just now getting into you guys. I really can’t believe it took me this long. As it turns out you’re everything I’ve ever wanted from a band since I was a sophomore in High School. Thanks for being you.
To: Usher
No sir, I have never made love to a thug in the club with his sights on. Speaking of which, what exactly do you mean by “sights on”? Are people now wearing night vision googles ‘in the club’, because really that’s the only plausible explanation I could think of. Also, could I get permission to use the “I’ll be like your medicine, you’ll take every dose of me” line when spitting game at the ladies or do I need to ask Jeezy for that?
Until We Meet Again
* Your options include but are not limited to: Obama rattling off every democratic ideal of the last 5o years during his speech at the DNC; McCain choosing a female running mate in an attempt to get the Femi-Nazi/Hilary Clinton vote.
** What’s the difference between hipsters and fans of Juno you ask? Well, I don’t really know.
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