Fear This

Ed. Note: Yes I took the title of this blog from the Christian t-shirts that tried to capitalize of the “No Fear” craze of the early 90’s

Ed. Note #2: Let me just preface this post that by saying that I’m well aware that none of this is groundbreaking or even remotely original. As a matter a fact I’m becoming more and more aware of the fact that my entire life is just personified plagiarism, but that’s a story for another day.

My father recently purchased a Hawaiian shirt. For a multitude of reasons this is very troubling for me. For starters he, like all Hawaiian shirt wearers, looks absolutely ridiculous in it. Every time he wears it I get the suspicion that he’s actually been cast as the lead in the new “Weekend at Bernie’s” film and that he’s method acting for the role. But what’s really so disturbing about this purchase is not that he refuses to admit how effing terrible he looks in the shirt, but I’m very certain that some time ago my father used to mock Hawaiian shirt wearers and once vowed never to own one*.

Now I love my father very much and his decision to purchase such an offensive article of clothing isn’t going to change that. The thing that makes all of this so unnerving is that the purchasing of said shirt feels like he's giving up. It’s kinda like when women hit a certain age and all of a sudden decided it’s a good idea to start wearing their bangs over their forehead while pulling the rest of their hair back. I feel certain that they have to know just how terrible this looks, yet they do it anyway. And despite what some of you maybe thinking, this isn’t some sort of deep seeded fear that I’m becoming my father and that I might one day succumb to wearing Hawaiian shirts. Actually my fear stems more from the warning signs this Hawaiian shirt wearing phase seems to suggest. On the surface it would appear that my father has given up and is seemingly content to look like an extra from “Blue Crush”.

Now, as anyone who know me can attest to, I’ve never been overly concerned with personal appearance. However there’s a big difference between being apathetic about one’s looks and another entirely to wear a Hawaiian shirt for non-humorous or ironic purposes**. It’s like he’s thrown away the social/aesthetic part of his moral code and now thinks it’s ok if he looks like the Italian version of Punchy***. And that’s what really worries me in all this. It’s not the visual assault that his wearing of the shirt causes me eyes or the fact that I feel like I’m 13 again since I’m embarrassed to be seen in public with him when he wears the shirt. It’s that my father is a man of principles and common sense, and this Hawaiian shirt purchase flies in the face of everything he stands for.

You know, maybe I am over reacting, maybe all this is just some deep seeded fear that I’ll one day become my father and thus end up wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Regardless of all that though is the fact the my father looks appalling in this shirt and refuses to acknowledge the pleas of his family to stop wearing it. So I probably have a slew of reasons, both conscious and subconscious, for writing this. However, the fact of the matter is my father needs to stop wearing this shirt, and this just might be the outlet that gets him to do so.

Until We Meet Again
* Of course I make up memories all the time to support my points, so who knows if this one had any validity.
** If you are wearing a Hawaiin shirt for humourous and or ironic purpose you're probably not very funny. Just thought you should know this
*** Otherwise known as the Hawaiian Punch mascot. And yes I had to look that up on Wikipedia