Commercial Review

Like the rest of America, I’ve been glued to the television for the past three weeks, soaking up the beauty that is March Madness.

(Side Note: This was probably the worst tournament in recent memory, just terrible all the way around. My heart was also broken for poor Greg Oden on Monday night. He was heads and shoulders above everyone else on the floor, and his teammates let him down in every way imaginable. If I were Oden, I would have walked off the floor with about 5 minutes left to protest my team’s collective sh*tting of the bed. Anyhow, enough with my rant; back to the blog.)

While most bloggers are now writing some sort of tournament wrap-up – praising the obnoxiously brilliant Gators and making unfunny jokes about how old Mr. Oden looks* – I’ve decided to go in another direction. Today I’ll be reviewing the most prominent commercials of the NCAA Tournament. Here goes:

Coke: Coca-Cola

The Commercial: An unassuming 30-something addresses the camera and says, “When I was younger and my grandpa was a coach, I didn’t share his love for the game. So he said, ‘Come be my ball-boy and I’ll buy you a Coke.’ So I did it. A few years later, I was playing in the Sweet 16 and I wasn’t sure if my grandpa could make it. So I called him up and said that if he came to the game, I’d buy him a Coke. He simply said, ‘I’ll be there.’”

Wow, that’s moving…

The Message: If your loved ones don’t care enough to come support you on one of the most important days of your life, try bribing them with a Coke.

Cingular: Cingular Wireless

The Commercial: In these ads, a wise crackin’ Asian spokesperson repeatedly belittles his white friend for not having Cingular as his wireless coverage. They’ve been running these ads for a few years now, and every time I see them a single question comes to my mind: “Why the hell is the white guy friends with that d-bag?” I mean, if any of my friends were ever seriously offended by my wireless network, they wouldn’t be my friend anymore. I realize the commercials point is to make the viewer aware of Cingular’s awesomeness, but are there actually people out there who feel that strongly about cell phone coverage? I mean, I only make fun of my friends for things like body weight, inability to get a “lady,” and their parents being separated.

The Message: Switch to Cingular, or else your friends will openly mock you about your wireless coverage. Also, Asians are much cooler than Caucasians.

Gatorade: Gatorade AM

The Commercial: Gatorade has a new product out called Gatorade AM. Apparently, it’s entirely different than regular Gatorade, because this is Gatorade you can drink in the morning. I mainly bring this commercial up because Kevin Garnett looks great in his milkman outfit, and Peyton Manning patting his ass is even better.

After seeing this ad I wondered if Gatorade would reimburse me for all the non-Gatorade AM’s I drank during the mornings of basketball and soccer two-a-days. Also, can you drink Gatorade AM after noon? And if so, is it still Gatorade AM or does it then become just Gatorade?

The Message: You can’t drink regular Gatorade in the morning anymore.

Smith & Barney: Financial Advisor

The Commercial: This is a series of commercials in with the camera pans in on people lost deep in thought. We then hear a voiceover of their internal dialogues. These people are thinking about some heavy-duty sh*t, and apparently this is the kind a thing you can talk to a Smith and Barney financial advisor about, because all the commercials end with a guy saying, “Throw out the notions of what you think you can talk to a financial advisor about. Smith and Barney.”

I’m not at the point in my life where I need to speak to a financial advisor, but I do have an idea of how to make these commercials better. Have a couple, both lost in thought. We see that the woman’s voiceover is all about this serious financial stuff. Then we pan to the guy, who’s just thinking about gross sexual things. Like the woman’s voice over would say: “I don’t know what we’re going to do when John retires,” or “What about the kids going to college?”

And then the man’s voiceover would be like: “I’d love to have sex with a black chick,” or “I wonder if Cheryl would want to have a threesome with my secretary.”

I feel like this commercial would be more accurate and would probably persuade me to go talk to a financial advisor at Smith and Barney.

The Message: You can talk to your financial advisor about anything. Including (presumably) sodomy.

Enterprise: Car Rental

The Commercial: They’ve been running these same ads since 1995, so you’ve probably seen them before.

The Message: It’s 2007, and Enterprise still picks you up in a gift-wrapped car.

Pontiac: Convertible Freedom

The Commercial: This ad campaign is fairly simple. They just have a bunch of people sit against a black screen spouting anti-convertible propaganda. I find it hard to fathom that anyone would actually be against convertibles. I find it even harder to believe that people would be more apt to buy a convertible based on these anti-convertible stances.

Honestly, none of this adds up. Apparently the masterminds behind Applebee’s Gilligan’s Island ads and McDonalds’s commercials from the last decade have been hired by Pontiac. I mean, honest to gawd, who the hell thinks these commercials are funny? Well, probably my boy Joe Hickle**

The Message: Apparently there are people in this world who are anti-convertible. Buy a convertible to show these people who’s the boss of your life. Or something.

Until We Meet Again

* While I don’t approve of unfunny jokes about how old Greg Oden looks, me and my friends who I was watching the game with decided that he was probably able to buy beer at age 12.
** While in Vegas, my older brother Max figured out that every time you see a commercial and wonder ‘Who would laugh at this?’ Joe Hickle is probably laughing at that commercial.