(Ed. Note: All stats presented here are based on conjecture, guestimation or complete fabrication.)
So the other day I was facebook chatting (which I'm told is very impersonal) with a female friend of mine and I noticed that her "status" said something to the effect of 'of all the men Jane Austen wrote about, Mr. Darcy is the one I most love'. Now it was probably worded more articulately and more clever than that, but you get the general sentiment. This of course got me thinking about Jane Austen* and Mr. Darcy (or all the male character she's ever written, since they're all essentially some variation of the same two dudes). And while my mind was wondering I came to the realization that Mr. Darcy is primarily responsible for 92% of the heartache suffered by literate women and men (or women) who pursue literate women.
As you've probably guessed, this all boils down to unrealistic expectations. I realize this has already been covered by a multitude of people, done best by Chuck Klosterman in his essay "This is Emo", so with that in mind I'll keep my observations brief and at the very least try to add something new to the discussion.
Anyhow, my beef with Mr. Darcy and Ms. Austen is as follows: The character of Fitzwilliam Darcy is complete and utter bullsh*t. Here's a man who changes from a grade A, narcissistic prick to the most loving, selfless, kindhearted human being not name Jesus or Gandhi to ever exist in the matter of a couple hundred pages. And what brings about this dramatic transformation? Well, he was verbally 'put in his place' by some poor girl with a presumably alcoholic father and a floozy of a mother. This is probably the most unbuyable character development/transformation of all time. People don't change that dramatically, ever, regardless of the century or locale. Generally speaking, if people change at all it's a slow, strenuous process and it usually takes a few years before any of the said changes become even remotely apparent to other people. Change is never this dramatic or this rapid. But it's not just the speed of the change that is so unrealistic.
As the reader, or viewer, for those of you who just saw the movie adaptation, we're suppose to believe that this rich, arrogant guy changed his personality entirely in order to woo and then marry some attractive poor girl who delivers quick one-liners and has a highly volatile family No guy has ever changed this much for a girl. In fact, no where in recorded history will you see a man changed half this much for a girl or anything else. 98 out of 100 times that a guy changes for a girl he does so in order to sleep with her** and once he has done that the changes quickly wane or disappear completely. Not even true love could dictate such a dramatic transformation, especially not in Victorian era England.
By writing a character as unrealistic as Mr. Darcy, Jane Austen is setting up women and ,based on her own history, herself, up for failure. Since Ms. Austen is a very good writer, literate girls all across the globe are now convinced that men actually can change. She essetenially ruined girls perceptions of men the same way Garden State ruined the Shins. All the Shins wanted was to be another indie rock band out of the Pacific Northwest with clever lyrics and catchy guitar hooks. Then Garden State came around and all of a sudden they're suppose to be some life changing band that gives you a deeper understanding of life and an instant connection with girls like Natalie Portman. I mean who can live up to such expectations? I'm fully convinced that Garden State is wholly responsible for there being only 3-4 good songs on the last Shins album. Likewise, Austen is wholly responsible for women thinking that men actually have the ability to change. And all the while men are trying to make these dramatic, wholesale changes in under to gain favor with women. They always fall short, it'd be impossible for us not to. The whole things is just one giant circle of unfulfilled expectations and disappointment for both parties. And it never ends well. In fact it can only end with mountains upon mountains of compromised by everyone involved.
And that's why you should never read or associate with those who read Jane Austen. And if you have children, advice them to do the same. She is, intentionally or otherwise, pure evil.
Until We Meet Again
* Whom I have read. What do you want from me? I was in 8th grade, home schooled and my Jane Austen loving mother made my curriculum. I literally had no choice.
** Maybe once out of 100 times the changes actually stick, the other time the guy changes and then realizes he's gay
Showing posts with label The Shins. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Shins. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Thursday, April 19, 2007
30 Second Album Reviews
Now I know what you’re all thinking “Hey, Calvin hasn’t written a really long, over blown post about music I don’t care about or don’t listen to in awhile. What gives?”. Well don’t fear dear readers, because I’m about to talk about a sh*t ton of music that most people haven’t heard of or would never listen to. Get excited! So just sit back and relax, because this post is going be way to long!
Studies show that it takes the average person 30 seconds to read a 6 sentence paragraph*. In light of that information, I’ve decided to debut my newest gimmick: 30 Second Album Reviews.
As most of you should know, I listen to an inane amount of music. In an attempt to justify that, I’m going to be giving paragraph(s) reviews to some of the albums I’ve been listening to as of late. The Albums rating will be on a scale of 1 to 10. Here goes:
Andrew Bird – Armchair Apocrypha
I feel like I’ve already sufficiently proclaimed this album’s awesomeness. Suffice to say it’s for albums like this that I listen to music.
Rating: 9.9 (I’ll give myself some wiggle room here)
Modest Mouse – We Were Dead Before the Ship Sank
A lot of reviews criticized Modest Mouse for trying to write pop songs. I find this critique rather odd, because while this album is definitely the most poppy in their discography, all the songs distinctly sound like them. It’s not like they sold out and quite frankly this album is sufficiently better then 2004’s ‘‘Good News for People Who Love Bad News’’. So what I’m saying is, don’t believe the negative reviews, this album is very good. The highlight songs are: Missed the Boat**, Spitting Venom, Little Motel, Parting of the Sensory.
Rating: 7.7
Jill Cunniff – City Beach
Jill Cunniff was one of the founding members of Luscious Jackson, a band I never listened to and that 99% of you have never heard of. Now that we have that fun fact out of the way, let’s talk about Ms. Cunniff’s brilliant debut album. Sometime this summer mainstream critics are going catch wind of this album write reviews calling Cunniff ‘A mellower Frou Frou’ or ‘An indie Kylie Minogue’. These reviews will all be (mostly) wrong, because while there maybe some similarities between Cunniff and those artists, none of those comparisons do “City Beach” justice. What this album most reminds me of is a female version of ‘Odelay’. Now I’m not saying that “City Beach” should even be mentioned in the same breathe as Beck’s masterpiece, but that’s just what it sounds the most like. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this album is really good, and you should probably check it out.
Rating: 8.3
Arcade Fire – Neon Bible
I should start by saying that I think this album is better then ‘‘Funeral’’, the Fire’s debut album. That said, I like ‘‘Funeral’’ better. Now I realize those are contradictory statements, so please allow me to explain myself. ‘‘Neon Bible” is better, by a very slim margin, then ‘‘Funeral’’ in almost every way. However, what ‘‘Funeral’’ has over ‘‘Neon Bible’’ is/was its freshness. ‘‘Funeral’’ came completely out of nowhere. When I first heard ‘‘Funeral’’ I immediately loved it. And because it was so unexpected, I felt like I was in the honeymoon phase of a relationship every time I listened to it. There’s just no possible way that ‘‘Neon Bible’’, despite being better, can capture that great feeling that ‘‘Funeral’’ had/has. Either way though, ‘‘Neon Bible’’ is still an amazing album and will probably be one of the best albums I hear this year. Also, as previously documented in this space, (Antichrist Television Blues) is on the short list for song of the year.
Rating: 9.4
Wilco – Sky Blue Sky
Um, I’m still not entirely sure of what to do with this album. It’s really good; it’s just not at all what I expected. This album sounds more like classic southern rock then the indie rock you’d expect from Wilco. I suppose this is the logical extension for Wilco to take ever since Summerteeth. I mean, the logical extension of Alt. Country is Southern Rock right? Either way, this album sounds like the best Allman Brothers record ever, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Also, like all Wilco albums, this one’s a grower. Meaning I like this album more and more each time I listen to it. If I have any complaints at all about this record it’s that a lyricists as talented as Jeff Tweedy shouldn’t have this many long guitar solos in one of his albums. It’s still really, really good, it just wasn’t what I was expecting at all.
Rating: 8.5
Do Make Say Think – You, You’re A History in Rust
This is probably the best Post-Rock album I’ve ever heard. I’d describe it for you, but it would just be awkwardly written and probably incorrect. If I tried to describe Post-Rock all I’d do is name drop obscure bands and use way too many adjectives. So for your sake, I won’t even try. And since I have nothing else to add here I’ll use this space to point out that Paolo Nutini (google him if you don’t know who he is) looks just like Penelope Cruz.
Rating: 8.5
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – Living with the Living
In the battle to see who can put out the most similar sounding albums, Ted Leo and company inch closer to Starflyer 59 with their 5th album. Now I don’t mean that last sentence to sound like an insult to either Ted Leo or SF59 (abbreviations are fun!). Both bands put out great music on every record and they both have their own distinct sound that they subtly expanded on with each release. I’ve always liked bands that know what they do well and stick with it. This has always been the case for Ted Leo and co. and this is another solid album for them. Also, ‘The Unwanted Things’, which might be the best song he’s ever written.
Rating: 7.3
Explosions in the Sky – All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone
For their 4th album Explosions changed things up, sort of. They’ve cut about 2-3 minutes off all of their songs, which should make their music more acceptable to the masses. Remarkably though, the band still holds on to the best and most powerful part of their music: the silence. I’ve never heard a band, post-rock or other wise, that utilities silence quite like these Texans. I’m not really sure if this is there best effort to date, but at the very least it’s 1B to “those who tell the truth…”. Again I’d like to explain more about this album, but for everyone’s sanity I won’t.
Rating: 8.2
Bloc Party – A Weekend in the City
This is my front runner for most disappointing album of the year. Whoever produced this thing deserves to be shot. On Bloc Party’s debut album, “Silent Alarm”, the drumming was extremely high in the mix and it sounded like some of the best drumming I’ve ever heard on an album. It made every song. Yet for some reason the drumming on this album have been shoved down into the middle of the mix, thus ruining the main thing that made Bloc Party so great. Fans of this record will argue that the song writing is better on this album, but who gives a sh*t? If I wanted to hear a presumably gay guy write moving Brit Rock songs I’d listen to Coldplay. Shame on whoever decided to lower the drums in the mix for this album and shame on Bloc Party for allowing it.
Rating: 5.0
The Shins – Wincing the Night Away
As you’ve probably heard by now, The Shins went electronic on their newest album. Sometimes it works out splendidly, like the first four songs, especially “Sleeping Lessons”. Sometimes it doesn’t work out as well, like on songs 5-10. However, the last song on the album rights the ship and the album ends on a high note. This album has some incredible highlights, but it’s the weakest record The Shins have ever put out. I guess a drop off should have been expected, seeing as how their first two albums were magnificent. Hopefully this will get rid of all the bandwagon, Garden State fans who find their lives the exact same after hearing this album.
Rating: 7.5
Until We Meet Again
* Stat possibly made up by the author because he thought ’30 Second Album Reviews’ sounded cool.
** The bands best song since 3rd Planet.
Studies show that it takes the average person 30 seconds to read a 6 sentence paragraph*. In light of that information, I’ve decided to debut my newest gimmick: 30 Second Album Reviews.
As most of you should know, I listen to an inane amount of music. In an attempt to justify that, I’m going to be giving paragraph(s) reviews to some of the albums I’ve been listening to as of late. The Albums rating will be on a scale of 1 to 10. Here goes:
Andrew Bird – Armchair Apocrypha
I feel like I’ve already sufficiently proclaimed this album’s awesomeness. Suffice to say it’s for albums like this that I listen to music.
Rating: 9.9 (I’ll give myself some wiggle room here)
Modest Mouse – We Were Dead Before the Ship Sank
A lot of reviews criticized Modest Mouse for trying to write pop songs. I find this critique rather odd, because while this album is definitely the most poppy in their discography, all the songs distinctly sound like them. It’s not like they sold out and quite frankly this album is sufficiently better then 2004’s ‘‘Good News for People Who Love Bad News’’. So what I’m saying is, don’t believe the negative reviews, this album is very good. The highlight songs are: Missed the Boat**, Spitting Venom, Little Motel, Parting of the Sensory.
Rating: 7.7
Jill Cunniff – City Beach
Jill Cunniff was one of the founding members of Luscious Jackson, a band I never listened to and that 99% of you have never heard of. Now that we have that fun fact out of the way, let’s talk about Ms. Cunniff’s brilliant debut album. Sometime this summer mainstream critics are going catch wind of this album write reviews calling Cunniff ‘A mellower Frou Frou’ or ‘An indie Kylie Minogue’. These reviews will all be (mostly) wrong, because while there maybe some similarities between Cunniff and those artists, none of those comparisons do “City Beach” justice. What this album most reminds me of is a female version of ‘Odelay’. Now I’m not saying that “City Beach” should even be mentioned in the same breathe as Beck’s masterpiece, but that’s just what it sounds the most like. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this album is really good, and you should probably check it out.
Rating: 8.3
Arcade Fire – Neon Bible
I should start by saying that I think this album is better then ‘‘Funeral’’, the Fire’s debut album. That said, I like ‘‘Funeral’’ better. Now I realize those are contradictory statements, so please allow me to explain myself. ‘‘Neon Bible” is better, by a very slim margin, then ‘‘Funeral’’ in almost every way. However, what ‘‘Funeral’’ has over ‘‘Neon Bible’’ is/was its freshness. ‘‘Funeral’’ came completely out of nowhere. When I first heard ‘‘Funeral’’ I immediately loved it. And because it was so unexpected, I felt like I was in the honeymoon phase of a relationship every time I listened to it. There’s just no possible way that ‘‘Neon Bible’’, despite being better, can capture that great feeling that ‘‘Funeral’’ had/has. Either way though, ‘‘Neon Bible’’ is still an amazing album and will probably be one of the best albums I hear this year. Also, as previously documented in this space, (Antichrist Television Blues) is on the short list for song of the year.
Rating: 9.4
Wilco – Sky Blue Sky
Um, I’m still not entirely sure of what to do with this album. It’s really good; it’s just not at all what I expected. This album sounds more like classic southern rock then the indie rock you’d expect from Wilco. I suppose this is the logical extension for Wilco to take ever since Summerteeth. I mean, the logical extension of Alt. Country is Southern Rock right? Either way, this album sounds like the best Allman Brothers record ever, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Also, like all Wilco albums, this one’s a grower. Meaning I like this album more and more each time I listen to it. If I have any complaints at all about this record it’s that a lyricists as talented as Jeff Tweedy shouldn’t have this many long guitar solos in one of his albums. It’s still really, really good, it just wasn’t what I was expecting at all.
Rating: 8.5
Do Make Say Think – You, You’re A History in Rust
This is probably the best Post-Rock album I’ve ever heard. I’d describe it for you, but it would just be awkwardly written and probably incorrect. If I tried to describe Post-Rock all I’d do is name drop obscure bands and use way too many adjectives. So for your sake, I won’t even try. And since I have nothing else to add here I’ll use this space to point out that Paolo Nutini (google him if you don’t know who he is) looks just like Penelope Cruz.
Rating: 8.5
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – Living with the Living
In the battle to see who can put out the most similar sounding albums, Ted Leo and company inch closer to Starflyer 59 with their 5th album. Now I don’t mean that last sentence to sound like an insult to either Ted Leo or SF59 (abbreviations are fun!). Both bands put out great music on every record and they both have their own distinct sound that they subtly expanded on with each release. I’ve always liked bands that know what they do well and stick with it. This has always been the case for Ted Leo and co. and this is another solid album for them. Also, ‘The Unwanted Things’, which might be the best song he’s ever written.
Rating: 7.3
Explosions in the Sky – All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone
For their 4th album Explosions changed things up, sort of. They’ve cut about 2-3 minutes off all of their songs, which should make their music more acceptable to the masses. Remarkably though, the band still holds on to the best and most powerful part of their music: the silence. I’ve never heard a band, post-rock or other wise, that utilities silence quite like these Texans. I’m not really sure if this is there best effort to date, but at the very least it’s 1B to “those who tell the truth…”. Again I’d like to explain more about this album, but for everyone’s sanity I won’t.
Rating: 8.2
Bloc Party – A Weekend in the City
This is my front runner for most disappointing album of the year. Whoever produced this thing deserves to be shot. On Bloc Party’s debut album, “Silent Alarm”, the drumming was extremely high in the mix and it sounded like some of the best drumming I’ve ever heard on an album. It made every song. Yet for some reason the drumming on this album have been shoved down into the middle of the mix, thus ruining the main thing that made Bloc Party so great. Fans of this record will argue that the song writing is better on this album, but who gives a sh*t? If I wanted to hear a presumably gay guy write moving Brit Rock songs I’d listen to Coldplay. Shame on whoever decided to lower the drums in the mix for this album and shame on Bloc Party for allowing it.
Rating: 5.0
The Shins – Wincing the Night Away
As you’ve probably heard by now, The Shins went electronic on their newest album. Sometimes it works out splendidly, like the first four songs, especially “Sleeping Lessons”. Sometimes it doesn’t work out as well, like on songs 5-10. However, the last song on the album rights the ship and the album ends on a high note. This album has some incredible highlights, but it’s the weakest record The Shins have ever put out. I guess a drop off should have been expected, seeing as how their first two albums were magnificent. Hopefully this will get rid of all the bandwagon, Garden State fans who find their lives the exact same after hearing this album.
Rating: 7.5
Until We Meet Again
* Stat possibly made up by the author because he thought ’30 Second Album Reviews’ sounded cool.
** The bands best song since 3rd Planet.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
The Track Record, Part Deux
It’s that time again. Time for me to revive one of my favorite gimmicks – “The Track Record” – and review the songs currently burning up the Top 40 charts (with a few indie faves mixed in). For those of you unfamiliar with the format, here it is: I review a song, give it a rating, and then provide a link where you can listen to the song. It’s about as simplistic as it gets, so let’s get started:
1.) Modest Mouse – “Dashboard”
I figured this was a good place to start, as this band seems to have nicely bridged the gap between indie and mainstream. “Dashboard” is the first single off Modest Mouse’s new album. While I fully expected this song to be a pseudo-sequel to “Float On” (i.e. something radio-friendly), I was still mildly disappointed. Yes, it’s catchy and better than 99% of what’s played on the radio, but this is not the Modest Mouse I grew to love. They’re obviously trying to score another radio hit here, which I can’t really blame them for. “Dashboard” is not nearly as good as “Float On” (which, once you get past how overplayed it is, is a terrific song). The band comes up with a plethora of fun hooks and even has a new catchphrase to replace “Float On” with. And it’s not a bad song by any stretch of the imagination; it’s just not the vintage Modest Mouse I was hoping for.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/modestmouse
RATING: 3 out of 5 Stars
2.) Gym Class Heroes – “Cupid’s Chokehold”
Gym Class Heroes is a band that I can’t make up my mind about. They’re obviously a studio-put-together band, but they’re still very catchy and enjoyable. Supposedly they play their own instruments and their beats/music is always pretty good. Their lead singer raps like a poor man’s Atmosphere, which isn’t a bad thing at all. What GCH basically is is a new genre I just made up called “Boy Band Hip Hop”. They’re a boy band because some savvy exec. clearly put them together, and they’re catchy as all hell. Anyone who tries to claim that boy bands aren’t catchy, regardless of whether or not they were any good musically, is lying and unsure of their sexuality. Anyhow, back to the song. Yeah, it’s pretty good.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/gymclassheroes
RATING: 3.5 out of 5 Stars
3.) Mims – “This is Why I’m Hot”
I hear this song no less than 30 times a day and I still don’t know why Mims is hot, probably because he never actually says why. All he does the entire song is say 'This is why I'm hot'. What I do know is that this is a terrible song. For starters, it’s never a good thing when a song is 85% chorus. I think one of the song’s opening lines sums it up best: “This is why I’m hot, I don’t even got to rap.” Well, at least not coherently.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/mimsfanclub
RATING: 0.5 out of 5 Stars
4.) Timbaland feat. Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake – “Give It to Me”
I love Timbaland. I think he’s made it pretty clear that he’s better at producing dance-pop and hip-hop than anyone else. I’m very excited to hear his newest album. That said, this song isn’t any good. Timbaland, who’s actually a pretty decent rapper, is in less than 25% of it. The rest is just JT and Nelly singing. And while the beat is good, I don’t care enough about either of those artists to listen to this song. It’s like Timbaland just wanted to remind everyone how big of a role he played in the two biggest albums that came out last year. While this may seem like an a-hole move, it’s one I think I would make if I were in Timbaland’s boots. Pun intended.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/timbaland
RATING: 2 out of 5 Stars
5.) Arcade Fire – “(Anti-Christ Television Blues)”
This is my favorite song off the Arcade Fire’s album Neon Bible, which comes out March 6th. Word on the street is that this song is about Joe Simpson – Ashlee and Jessica’s father. If this rumor is true – and judging by the lyrics, it is – then this is Arcade Fire’s most depressing song to-date, which is saying something considering the band’s first album focused entirely on death. It also might be the best song they’ve put out in their brief career. The song is from the point of view of a man who’s basically asking God if it’s OK to whore his daughter out in the music industry to make money off her career. The man rationalizes it by claiming that it will bring glory to God. The song ends with the narrator asking God if he’s the Anti-Christ. It’s a real upper.
LISTEN: www.beatlawrence.com/2007/02/arcade-fire-to-play-snl.html
RATING: 5 out of 5 Stars
6.) The Fratelli’s – “Flathead”
This song is probably better known as the song from the new iPod commercial. This is a really good song. It’s fun, catchy and rocks pretty hard. That said, I can’t shake the feeling that The Fratelli’s are about 6 years too late for the garage rock revival. It’s a shame, because they would have been a nice third wheel to The White Stripes and The Strokes.
LISTEN: http://youtube.com/watch?v=YmBGfNqm338
RATING: 4 out of 5 Stars
7.) Fall Out Boy – “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s a Dead Arms Race”
I think a better name for this song would have been “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s-a-Band-that Puts-Out-the-Same-Song-for-Every-Single”. But at least their videos are hilarious. Thank god FOB put out a new video. I now finally have something to fill the comedic void According to Jim’s series finale made in my life. Wait, scratch that. I just got word that According to Jim is still on the air and that it’s still exceedingly unfunny. Oh well, Fall Out Boy is still awesome and hilarious. Except the exact opposite.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/falloutboy
RATING: 0.25 out of 5 Stars
8.) Fergie – “Glamorous”
I firmly believe that the c-word* is the foulest, most offensive, most disturbing and disgusting word in the English language. I also believe that no word better sums up Fergie. This c-word of a woman has put out some of the worst music of all time, “Glamorous” is no exception. I really do hate this b*tch. Every time I hear one of her songs, I question God‘s existence. I mean, how could any all-powerful being allow this woman to keep making music? How could he allow her to live in the first place? And how on earth could he allow her to become popular? Before I find the answer to any of these questions, I stop and begin to contemplate taking my own life.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/fergie
RATING: Hitler
9.) Avril Lavigne – “Girlfriend”
I’m not going lie: I absolutely love this song. In related news, there’s an ever-growing amount of evidence that I am in fact Ms. Lavigne’s bitch. She’s yet to put out a single that I don’t like. Now, please allow me to explain myself/cover my ass. This and all of Avril’s songs are far more entertaining than they are good. It’s like listening to a 15 year-old girl bitch. I happen to find this very comical and enjoyable. I also have no interest in finding out what that says about me as a person. Anyways, this song is Avril at her best. Meaning this is the type of kitsch song you put on road trip mixes, the perfect sing-along song for a car full of dudes, etc. And you know what, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m looking forward to the next time I hear this song.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/avrillavigne
RATING: 4 out of 5 Stars
10.) The Shins – “Sleeping Lessons”
I’m going to make two statements about this song that I fully believe to be true: 1) It’s the best song The Shins have ever done and 2) It single-handedly ruined their new album for me. When I first got Wincing the Night Away, The Shins’s new album, I listened to this song about 10 times in a row. When your album’s first song is 10x better than any other song on said album, it tends to hurt the album. I actually enjoy WNA, but after hearing this song, my expectations for it were way too high. Anyhow, I love this song and will most likely put it on every mix CD I make this year.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/theshins
RATING: 5 out of 5 Stars
11.) Adam Stidham – “8th Day Blues”
Another masterpiece from Mr. Stidham. I just can’t get over his brilliance. I really can’t. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I hope God smites the b*tch who broke his heart and inspired this song. Head up Adam, and keep making music. The world needs you. We need you.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/adamstidhammusic
RATING: Far too brilliant to defile with my trivial ratings.
Until We Meet Again
* Rhymes with bunt.
1.) Modest Mouse – “Dashboard”
I figured this was a good place to start, as this band seems to have nicely bridged the gap between indie and mainstream. “Dashboard” is the first single off Modest Mouse’s new album. While I fully expected this song to be a pseudo-sequel to “Float On” (i.e. something radio-friendly), I was still mildly disappointed. Yes, it’s catchy and better than 99% of what’s played on the radio, but this is not the Modest Mouse I grew to love. They’re obviously trying to score another radio hit here, which I can’t really blame them for. “Dashboard” is not nearly as good as “Float On” (which, once you get past how overplayed it is, is a terrific song). The band comes up with a plethora of fun hooks and even has a new catchphrase to replace “Float On” with. And it’s not a bad song by any stretch of the imagination; it’s just not the vintage Modest Mouse I was hoping for.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/modestmouse
RATING: 3 out of 5 Stars
2.) Gym Class Heroes – “Cupid’s Chokehold”
Gym Class Heroes is a band that I can’t make up my mind about. They’re obviously a studio-put-together band, but they’re still very catchy and enjoyable. Supposedly they play their own instruments and their beats/music is always pretty good. Their lead singer raps like a poor man’s Atmosphere, which isn’t a bad thing at all. What GCH basically is is a new genre I just made up called “Boy Band Hip Hop”. They’re a boy band because some savvy exec. clearly put them together, and they’re catchy as all hell. Anyone who tries to claim that boy bands aren’t catchy, regardless of whether or not they were any good musically, is lying and unsure of their sexuality. Anyhow, back to the song. Yeah, it’s pretty good.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/gymclassheroes
RATING: 3.5 out of 5 Stars
3.) Mims – “This is Why I’m Hot”
I hear this song no less than 30 times a day and I still don’t know why Mims is hot, probably because he never actually says why. All he does the entire song is say 'This is why I'm hot'. What I do know is that this is a terrible song. For starters, it’s never a good thing when a song is 85% chorus. I think one of the song’s opening lines sums it up best: “This is why I’m hot, I don’t even got to rap.” Well, at least not coherently.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/mimsfanclub
RATING: 0.5 out of 5 Stars
4.) Timbaland feat. Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake – “Give It to Me”
I love Timbaland. I think he’s made it pretty clear that he’s better at producing dance-pop and hip-hop than anyone else. I’m very excited to hear his newest album. That said, this song isn’t any good. Timbaland, who’s actually a pretty decent rapper, is in less than 25% of it. The rest is just JT and Nelly singing. And while the beat is good, I don’t care enough about either of those artists to listen to this song. It’s like Timbaland just wanted to remind everyone how big of a role he played in the two biggest albums that came out last year. While this may seem like an a-hole move, it’s one I think I would make if I were in Timbaland’s boots. Pun intended.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/timbaland
RATING: 2 out of 5 Stars
5.) Arcade Fire – “(Anti-Christ Television Blues)”
This is my favorite song off the Arcade Fire’s album Neon Bible, which comes out March 6th. Word on the street is that this song is about Joe Simpson – Ashlee and Jessica’s father. If this rumor is true – and judging by the lyrics, it is – then this is Arcade Fire’s most depressing song to-date, which is saying something considering the band’s first album focused entirely on death. It also might be the best song they’ve put out in their brief career. The song is from the point of view of a man who’s basically asking God if it’s OK to whore his daughter out in the music industry to make money off her career. The man rationalizes it by claiming that it will bring glory to God. The song ends with the narrator asking God if he’s the Anti-Christ. It’s a real upper.
LISTEN: www.beatlawrence.com/2007/02/arcade-fire-to-play-snl.html
RATING: 5 out of 5 Stars
6.) The Fratelli’s – “Flathead”
This song is probably better known as the song from the new iPod commercial. This is a really good song. It’s fun, catchy and rocks pretty hard. That said, I can’t shake the feeling that The Fratelli’s are about 6 years too late for the garage rock revival. It’s a shame, because they would have been a nice third wheel to The White Stripes and The Strokes.
LISTEN: http://youtube.com/watch?v=YmBGfNqm338
RATING: 4 out of 5 Stars
7.) Fall Out Boy – “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s a Dead Arms Race”
I think a better name for this song would have been “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s-a-Band-that Puts-Out-the-Same-Song-for-Every-Single”. But at least their videos are hilarious. Thank god FOB put out a new video. I now finally have something to fill the comedic void According to Jim’s series finale made in my life. Wait, scratch that. I just got word that According to Jim is still on the air and that it’s still exceedingly unfunny. Oh well, Fall Out Boy is still awesome and hilarious. Except the exact opposite.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/falloutboy
RATING: 0.25 out of 5 Stars
8.) Fergie – “Glamorous”
I firmly believe that the c-word* is the foulest, most offensive, most disturbing and disgusting word in the English language. I also believe that no word better sums up Fergie. This c-word of a woman has put out some of the worst music of all time, “Glamorous” is no exception. I really do hate this b*tch. Every time I hear one of her songs, I question God‘s existence. I mean, how could any all-powerful being allow this woman to keep making music? How could he allow her to live in the first place? And how on earth could he allow her to become popular? Before I find the answer to any of these questions, I stop and begin to contemplate taking my own life.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/fergie
RATING: Hitler
9.) Avril Lavigne – “Girlfriend”
I’m not going lie: I absolutely love this song. In related news, there’s an ever-growing amount of evidence that I am in fact Ms. Lavigne’s bitch. She’s yet to put out a single that I don’t like. Now, please allow me to explain myself/cover my ass. This and all of Avril’s songs are far more entertaining than they are good. It’s like listening to a 15 year-old girl bitch. I happen to find this very comical and enjoyable. I also have no interest in finding out what that says about me as a person. Anyways, this song is Avril at her best. Meaning this is the type of kitsch song you put on road trip mixes, the perfect sing-along song for a car full of dudes, etc. And you know what, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m looking forward to the next time I hear this song.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/avrillavigne
RATING: 4 out of 5 Stars
10.) The Shins – “Sleeping Lessons”
I’m going to make two statements about this song that I fully believe to be true: 1) It’s the best song The Shins have ever done and 2) It single-handedly ruined their new album for me. When I first got Wincing the Night Away, The Shins’s new album, I listened to this song about 10 times in a row. When your album’s first song is 10x better than any other song on said album, it tends to hurt the album. I actually enjoy WNA, but after hearing this song, my expectations for it were way too high. Anyhow, I love this song and will most likely put it on every mix CD I make this year.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/theshins
RATING: 5 out of 5 Stars
11.) Adam Stidham – “8th Day Blues”
Another masterpiece from Mr. Stidham. I just can’t get over his brilliance. I really can’t. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I hope God smites the b*tch who broke his heart and inspired this song. Head up Adam, and keep making music. The world needs you. We need you.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/adamstidhammusic
RATING: Far too brilliant to defile with my trivial ratings.
Until We Meet Again
* Rhymes with bunt.
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