The Track Record, Part Deux

It’s that time again. Time for me to revive one of my favorite gimmicks – “The Track Record” – and review the songs currently burning up the Top 40 charts (with a few indie faves mixed in). For those of you unfamiliar with the format, here it is: I review a song, give it a rating, and then provide a link where you can listen to the song. It’s about as simplistic as it gets, so let’s get started:

1.) Modest Mouse – “Dashboard”

I figured this was a good place to start, as this band seems to have nicely bridged the gap between indie and mainstream. “Dashboard” is the first single off Modest Mouse’s new album. While I fully expected this song to be a pseudo-sequel to “Float On” (i.e. something radio-friendly), I was still mildly disappointed. Yes, it’s catchy and better than 99% of what’s played on the radio, but this is not the Modest Mouse I grew to love. They’re obviously trying to score another radio hit here, which I can’t really blame them for. “Dashboard” is not nearly as good as “Float On” (which, once you get past how overplayed it is, is a terrific song). The band comes up with a plethora of fun hooks and even has a new catchphrase to replace “Float On” with. And it’s not a bad song by any stretch of the imagination; it’s just not the vintage Modest Mouse I was hoping for.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/modestmouse
RATING: 3 out of 5 Stars

2.) Gym Class Heroes – “Cupid’s Chokehold”

Gym Class Heroes is a band that I can’t make up my mind about. They’re obviously a studio-put-together band, but they’re still very catchy and enjoyable. Supposedly they play their own instruments and their beats/music is always pretty good. Their lead singer raps like a poor man’s Atmosphere, which isn’t a bad thing at all. What GCH basically is is a new genre I just made up called “Boy Band Hip Hop”. They’re a boy band because some savvy exec. clearly put them together, and they’re catchy as all hell. Anyone who tries to claim that boy bands aren’t catchy, regardless of whether or not they were any good musically, is lying and unsure of their sexuality. Anyhow, back to the song. Yeah, it’s pretty good.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/gymclassheroes
RATING: 3.5 out of 5 Stars

3.) Mims – “This is Why I’m Hot”

I hear this song no less than 30 times a day and I still don’t know why Mims is hot, probably because he never actually says why. All he does the entire song is say 'This is why I'm hot'. What I do know is that this is a terrible song. For starters, it’s never a good thing when a song is 85% chorus. I think one of the song’s opening lines sums it up best: “This is why I’m hot, I don’t even got to rap.” Well, at least not coherently.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/mimsfanclub
RATING: 0.5 out of 5 Stars

4.) Timbaland feat. Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake – “Give It to Me”

I love Timbaland. I think he’s made it pretty clear that he’s better at producing dance-pop and hip-hop than anyone else. I’m very excited to hear his newest album. That said, this song isn’t any good. Timbaland, who’s actually a pretty decent rapper, is in less than 25% of it. The rest is just JT and Nelly singing. And while the beat is good, I don’t care enough about either of those artists to listen to this song. It’s like Timbaland just wanted to remind everyone how big of a role he played in the two biggest albums that came out last year. While this may seem like an a-hole move, it’s one I think I would make if I were in Timbaland’s boots. Pun intended.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/timbaland
RATING: 2 out of 5 Stars

5.) Arcade Fire – “(Anti-Christ Television Blues)”

This is my favorite song off the Arcade Fire’s album Neon Bible, which comes out March 6th. Word on the street is that this song is about Joe Simpson – Ashlee and Jessica’s father. If this rumor is true – and judging by the lyrics, it is – then this is Arcade Fire’s most depressing song to-date, which is saying something considering the band’s first album focused entirely on death. It also might be the best song they’ve put out in their brief career. The song is from the point of view of a man who’s basically asking God if it’s OK to whore his daughter out in the music industry to make money off her career. The man rationalizes it by claiming that it will bring glory to God. The song ends with the narrator asking God if he’s the Anti-Christ. It’s a real upper.
LISTEN: www.beatlawrence.com/2007/02/arcade-fire-to-play-snl.html
RATING: 5 out of 5 Stars

6.) The Fratelli’s – “Flathead”

This song is probably better known as the song from the new iPod commercial. This is a really good song. It’s fun, catchy and rocks pretty hard. That said, I can’t shake the feeling that The Fratelli’s are about 6 years too late for the garage rock revival. It’s a shame, because they would have been a nice third wheel to The White Stripes and The Strokes.
LISTEN: http://youtube.com/watch?v=YmBGfNqm338
RATING: 4 out of 5 Stars

7.) Fall Out Boy – “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s a Dead Arms Race”

I think a better name for this song would have been “This Ain’t a Scene, It’s-a-Band-that Puts-Out-the-Same-Song-for-Every-Single”. But at least their videos are hilarious. Thank god FOB put out a new video. I now finally have something to fill the comedic void According to Jim’s series finale made in my life. Wait, scratch that. I just got word that According to Jim is still on the air and that it’s still exceedingly unfunny. Oh well, Fall Out Boy is still awesome and hilarious. Except the exact opposite.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/falloutboy
RATING: 0.25 out of 5 Stars

8.) Fergie – “Glamorous”

I firmly believe that the c-word* is the foulest, most offensive, most disturbing and disgusting word in the English language. I also believe that no word better sums up Fergie. This c-word of a woman has put out some of the worst music of all time, “Glamorous” is no exception. I really do hate this b*tch. Every time I hear one of her songs, I question God‘s existence. I mean, how could any all-powerful being allow this woman to keep making music? How could he allow her to live in the first place? And how on earth could he allow her to become popular? Before I find the answer to any of these questions, I stop and begin to contemplate taking my own life.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/fergie
RATING: Hitler

9.) Avril Lavigne – “Girlfriend”

I’m not going lie: I absolutely love this song. In related news, there’s an ever-growing amount of evidence that I am in fact Ms. Lavigne’s bitch. She’s yet to put out a single that I don’t like. Now, please allow me to explain myself/cover my ass. This and all of Avril’s songs are far more entertaining than they are good. It’s like listening to a 15 year-old girl bitch. I happen to find this very comical and enjoyable. I also have no interest in finding out what that says about me as a person. Anyways, this song is Avril at her best. Meaning this is the type of kitsch song you put on road trip mixes, the perfect sing-along song for a car full of dudes, etc. And you know what, I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m looking forward to the next time I hear this song.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/avrillavigne
RATING: 4 out of 5 Stars

10.) The Shins – “Sleeping Lessons”

I’m going to make two statements about this song that I fully believe to be true: 1) It’s the best song The Shins have ever done and 2) It single-handedly ruined their new album for me. When I first got Wincing the Night Away, The Shins’s new album, I listened to this song about 10 times in a row. When your album’s first song is 10x better than any other song on said album, it tends to hurt the album. I actually enjoy WNA, but after hearing this song, my expectations for it were way too high. Anyhow, I love this song and will most likely put it on every mix CD I make this year.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/theshins
RATING: 5 out of 5 Stars

11.) Adam Stidham – “8th Day Blues”

Another masterpiece from Mr. Stidham. I just can’t get over his brilliance. I really can’t. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I hope God smites the b*tch who broke his heart and inspired this song. Head up Adam, and keep making music. The world needs you. We need you.
LISTEN: www.myspace.com/adamstidhammusic
RATING: Far too brilliant to defile with my trivial ratings.

Until We Meet Again
* Rhymes with bunt.