Join (RED), Or Else

Chuck Klosterman once wrote that people who are truly cynical don’t call themselves cynics, but instead say they’re pragmatic. Meaning that they are not overly cynical poo-pooers, but rather are just realists when it comes to what happens in the world. In theory, this is a very astute observation. And in this day and age, it’s nearly impossible not to be at least a little bit cynical. Most everything we see or read in our media-saturated society is sugarcoated bullsh*t. It’s hard not to take even the most inspiring of stories with a grain of salt. Which leads me to today’s topic: (RED)tm.

Unless you never watch TV or read a magazine, you’ve probably heard of
(RED)tm. In short, (RED)tm is a business model that uber-douche Bono came up with. If you buy a RED)tm product or service, then the company which you bought it from will donate some of their profits to AIDS relief in Africa. And, outside of Bono’s involvement, this all sounds pretty great on paper. So why does my inner-cynic keep telling me that something about this isn’t right? Let’s examine some of the reasons I currently dislike (RED)tm:

1.) Bono’s involvement: Despite heading the greatest rock band of the last 20+ years*, Bono has become a massive tool lately (and by lately I mean in the last 20 or so years).

2.) Joinred.com: Is it just me, or does this sound like a website that is more likely to spout communist propaganda than lend AIDS relief to Africa?

3.) Join (RED)tm: Last I checked, nothing you join is any good. Here’s a list off the top of my head of terrible things people join:

· The Army
· Pornographic Websites
· Ryan Seacrest Fan Clubs
· Cults

As far as I can tell, there’s nothing good you can join anymore. This fact alone makes me leery of (RED)tm.

4.) Buying things for yourself to help others: This isn’t exactly “Toys for Tots” here. The main purpose of (RED)tm is to use our materialism for good. Am I the only one who finds that a little ass-backwards? Since when can you become a humanitarian by buying things for yourself, things that you’ll actually use? I mean, instead of buying a $35 shirt from The Gap, which gives about a third of that to Aids relief, why not give $30 to an AIDS relief charity and then buy a $5 Hanes Perfect Tee**? You’re spending the same amount of money, but now more of your money is going to help Africa. In all likelihood, the (RED)tm tees probably cost less than $5, so what’s the point in overpaying for AIDS relief? And who really wants a shirt that looks like something an autistic 10-year-old made during arts and crafts time at summer camp?

5.) (RED)tm Tee Shirts: As mentioned before, these shirts are obscenely stupid. They’re all either red or white, and have things written on them like: “bo(red),” “inspi(red),” and my personal favorite, “hamme(red).” Now that’s just stupid. I feel like these shirts are more than just (RED)tm products. Instead, the people who wear them are putting on a huge, flashing neon sign that tells me, “Hey, let’s never hang out.”

6.) Bono not becoming the face of (RED)tm: This may be my biggest hold up with (RED)tm . Why is Bono staying out of the limelight? Is he truly a good person who just wants to help those suffering in Africa, or is he a cunning bastard who realizes he’ll garner more praise by setting all this up, and THEN staying in the background?*** Am I an incredibly messed up person for even thinking about this? I’ll be honest, Bono’s now mysterious involvement – since he set this all up, he’s done almost no press for it, aside from some brief voiceover work in a commercial – gives me pause.

In closing, I think (RED)tm is a lot like communism. In theory, it’s a great idea, but logistically it just doesn’t work (for me at least). There are just too many unanswered questions. In fact, I didn’t even get to the possible conspiracy theory that this is just the most brilliant ad campaign by major companies of all time. However, for me I think the most pressing question is this: Does my cynicism about all of this lead back to my naivety that people can actually make a difference and care for those dying in Africa without buying something that benefits them? I don’t know. I just don’t know.

Until We Meet Again

* Hey I’m as sick of U2 as everyone else, but there’s still no denying their greatness.
** Hanes has in no way paid me for this endorsement of their product, mainly because they don’t know who I am. But I strongly recommend the Hanes Perfect Tee, it’s great.
*** Have I been reading too much David Foster Wallace? Yes.