A Copy of My Living Will

So I’ve made it to Denver and outside of the never ending snow, everything’s going great. I’ve yet to find a job and my Arizona Wildcats are now plunging into oblivion, but my spirits are still high. That said I can’t help but feel like this is the end of the line for me. The last person to live in the house I now call home vacated the premises because she thought she was getting carbon monoxide poisoning. And if the carbon monoxide doesn’t kill me, then Marcus Williams’s insistence on trying to take over at the end of games will*. So since my death is likely imminent, I’m submitting to all of you my living will. Know that I love you all.

To My Friends and Family:

I, Calvin Paradise, declare this my final will and testament. My brother/editor Luke Paradise will be the executor of this will. In this will you find instructions for what to with all of my earthly possessions. Good luck and God Bless.

To My Brother Max I leave: My iPod, my Nintendo DS and my jeans. While on earth we were pretty much each others doppelgangers, I want you to remember that I was the more attractive one. Yeah that’s right, I can still fit (sort of) into size 32 jeans. And I’ve totally seen more naked chicks then you**. Boyah brother, boyah.

To My Brother Luke I leave: My pre-recorded toast to play at his wedding. I also leave him all my shirts, since he’s always “borrowing” them and then never returning them.

To My Brother Jordan I leave: My memoir entitled “How to Be Awesome”. This book will teach you all you need to know and then some. God Speed, brother.

To My Sister Abby I leave: A $25 gift certificate to Applebee’s, because we never got to get dinner before I left for Denver and subsequently died. I also wish to spend some of my left over money to buy a “Thelma and Louise” DVD for her and her ‘best friend’ Ashley. Don’t ask.

To My Parents I leave: My love as well as my student loans, sorry.

To My ‘boy’ Sam I leave: My permanent residence in my parent’s house, since he’s there more often then anyone who actually lives there, I figure we should make it official. (Sorry again Mom and Dad)

To My ‘bro’ Billy I leave: A framed, signed photo of my ass. And a nice sturdy chair to sit in.

To My ‘homey’ Jake I leave: My running shoes, get your ass into shape and into the Coast Guard.

To My ‘brosif’ Joe I leave: My starting Point Guard (or is it two-guard?) position on Team Mankind.

To My ‘Main Man’ Travis I leave: My little black book***.

To My ‘friend’ Aaron I leave: My gambling addiction, may it treat you better then it did me.

To Jimmy Asdell I leave: My position on Team Mankind. Hopefully this makes up for all the times you got cut in High School.

To Adam “Heartbreak” Stidham I leave: All the sad songs I’ve ever written. May you achieve your dream of becoming the next Chris Carrabba.

To All the Women in My Life: I think I left all of you more then enough. My apologies to all the men who have to follow in my foot steps.

To Everyone Who Didn’t Get Mentioned: Know that you don’t need any materialistic thing to remember me by, because I live on in your hearts. You can all get together several times a week to sing my praises and talk about how great I was. I loved you all. I’ll leave you now with the immortal words of Babe Ruth from “Sandlot”: Heroes get remembered, but legends (like Calvin) never die.

Peace, Love, The Gap.

- Calvin Blake Paradise (1985-2007)

Note to overly-sensitive readers: This was meant as a joke. I don’t wish to or plan on dying anytime in the near future. For those of you who don’t think faux living wills are funny then you seriously need to examine your life, because you’re probably not funny.

Note to all my friends who were mentioned and that I most likely offended: I’m so very sorry, I was trying to be funny. I love and miss you all.

Until We Meet Again

* This has no place in this post, but please allow me to rant about the current state of Arizona basketball. Our program has not won a meaningful game since the 2005 Sweet Sixteen. The current team refuses to get over the hump, it’s like someone told them that a single digit lose counts the same as a win. They’re the biggest group of teases I’ve ever seen. This team is currently shooting horrendously, so they play just enough defense to keep the game close so they can make a run at the end that will fall short. I can’t take it anymore. It’s literally driving me insane. I can’t stop thinking about games in which I have absolutely no power in determining the outcome. For those of you reading this who aren’t U of A fans, let me tell you it’s one of the worst mistakes you can make in your life. It’s like willing signing up for 5+ months of mental, emotional, spiritual and at times physical torture. That said I wouldn’t change my affiliation/obsession for the world. I still have faith in Lute and I still have faith in this team. Bear Down.
** This is only true if there’s a way to see a negative number of naked chicks. Bear Down.
*** My actual black book, not that sh*tty Britney Murphy movie… Bear Down.