Dissecting John Amaechi’s Gayness

I have some tough news to tell you. Are you sitting down? OK, well I’m not going to dance around this, I’m just going to come right out and tell you: John Amaechi is gay.

I know. I’m as shocked as you are. This revelation literally turned my world upside down. I mean, if guys like John Amaechi can be gay, then what about the rest of us? Secondly, what does this say about our supposedly open-minded society? Why didn’t he come out when he was playing for the Utah Jazz, or the Orlando Magic? And does the machismo of pro athletes mirror the machismo of middle school playgrounds, where to call someone a homosexual is to damage them severely? There’s only one thing I think we can all agree on: Who the hell is John Amaechi?

For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, read the following link: http://deadspin.com/sports/nba/your-anonymous-gay-former-nbaer-is-less-anonymous-now-but-only-slightly-so-234322.php

John Amaechi, a man who played all of five years in the NBA, came out of the closet this week. Amaechi wrote a book about being a homosexual and playing in the NBA. The autobiography is aptly and humorously titled Man in the Middle. This news crushed me about as hard as the fact that I missed last week’s episode of “Grease: You’re the One I Want”. That is to say, not very hard. But apparently this is big news, not just in the sports world, but for the entire country. Why?

Because he’s gay! Well, so is apprx. 10% of the American population.

But he wrote a book about it! Why do we insist on acting like getting published is some kind of an accomplishment? I mean, if Dan Brown can sell millions of novels, isn’t it about time we all realized that writing a book is pretty overrated?

But he’s an athlete! And we all know the macho stereotypes that apply to sports. This one, I’ll grant you is semi-news, but not for the reasons you’d expect. In reality, the machismo of sports is just one giant over-compensation. The majority of the time you’re with your teammates, you’re (unintentionally or not) rubbing up against them*, slapping each others’ asses, huddling up together, undressing in front of one another in the locker room and showering together. Wow, that sounds like a totally hetro environment.

But it was so courageous of him to come out! How? This is kind a like a murderer on death row confessing to killing more people. You’re already going to die, so confessing to the other murders takes absolutely no courage: it just clears your conscience. Now, I’m not comparing being gay to being a serial killer, just trying to point out how truly uncourageous Amaechi’s press release… er, announcement was. He’s no longer in the NBA, so it’s not like he has to deal with the scrutiny of his teammates/coworkers. Or Jerry Sloan beating his ass with a lead pipe ala Shawshank Redemption.

Before he came out last week, there were probably about seven people in the world not related to him that could have picked him out of a lineup. All he really did was thrust himself back into the limelight, which takes about as much courage as eating a bowl of cereal in the morning**.

On second thought, Amaechi was never in the limelight. All his actions this past week really did was give him his fifteen minutes of fame. Which basically makes Amaechi noting more than an attention whore. In fact, I doubt he’s even gay.

Whhhaaaat?!?!?!?! How can you say that? Well, let’s look at this logically. By all accounts, Amaechi seems to be a pretty smart guy. He didn’t make a sh*t-ton of money in the NBA***, at least by the league’s standards. Now he’s been out of the league for four years and wonders how he can secure his financial future without doing any real work. Then it hits him: “What if I write a tell-all book about how I’m gay, even though I’m not?” Or maybe some incredibly smart publisher approached him with this idea. I mean, all anyone knew about Amaechi before this last week is that he was British and went to Penn State. I guess he’s a buyable homosexual(he does have a gap in his front teeth after all). Nobody knew anything about him, so hypothetically he could lie blatantly about his life and sexual preference and no one could call him out on it****. Really, it’s the perfect storm conspiracy theory. Who really knows how this book came about, but I’m fairly convinced it’s a hoax. Here’s one possible scenario of how this book came into being:

Publisher: This is ESPN Books, can I help you?

John Amaechi: Yeah um, this is John Amaechi.

PB: Who?

JA: John Amaechi. I played in the NBA. I was also a pretty big deal in college at Penn State.

PB: Ah sure, whatever you say. So what can I do for you, Joe?

JA: John actually, my name is John. Anyways, I’ve got a great book idea. What if I write a tell-all about what it’s like to be a gay man in the NBA.

PB: That’s brilliant, Josh. So are you gay?

JA: It’s still John and no, not really. But I am British. And no one remembers who the hell I am anyway. Who would ever suspect that I wasn’t gay?

PB: Great point, James. I’ll talk to my bosses about this and get back to you. We’ll be in touch. (Hangs up phone)

JA: Wait, don’t go… I’m lonely.


And there you have it. All tomfoolery aside, I still don’t care about John Amaechi and his sexual preferences. I think I side with Shavlik Randolph on this one. I’m okay with Amaechi being a homosexual, “as long as he doesn’t bring his gayness on me.” And that’s that.

Until We Meet Again

* This is true for any semi-contact sport.
** Which is only courageous if you’re lactose intolerant.
*** A shade under $10 million, according to basketball-reference.com
**** With the exception of me and my blatantly homophobic blog