The Problem with Jane Austen, Women in General and (to a lesser extent) Humanity as a Whole

(Ed. Note: All stats presented here are based on conjecture, guestimation or complete fabrication.)

So the other day I was facebook chatting (which I'm told is very impersonal) with a female friend of mine and I noticed that her "status" said something to the effect of 'of all the men Jane Austen wrote about, Mr. Darcy is the one I most love'. Now it was probably worded more articulately and more clever than that, but you get the general sentiment. This of course got me thinking about Jane Austen* and Mr. Darcy (or all the male character she's ever written, since they're all essentially some variation of the same two dudes). And while my mind was wondering I came to the realization that Mr. Darcy is primarily responsible for 92% of the heartache suffered by literate women and men (or women) who pursue literate women.

As you've probably guessed, this all boils down to unrealistic expectations. I realize this has already been covered by a multitude of people, done best by Chuck Klosterman in his essay "This is Emo", so with that in mind I'll keep my observations brief and at the very least try to add something new to the discussion.

Anyhow, my beef with Mr. Darcy and Ms. Austen is as follows: The character of Fitzwilliam Darcy is complete and utter bullsh*t. Here's a man who changes from a grade A, narcissistic prick to the most loving, selfless, kindhearted human being not name Jesus or Gandhi to ever exist in the matter of a couple hundred pages. And what brings about this dramatic transformation? Well, he was verbally 'put in his place' by some poor girl with a presumably alcoholic father and a floozy of a mother. This is probably the most unbuyable character development/transformation of all time. People don't change that dramatically, ever, regardless of the century or locale. Generally speaking, if people change at all it's a slow, strenuous process and it usually takes a few years before any of the said changes become even remotely apparent to other people. Change is never this dramatic or this rapid. But it's not just the speed of the change that is so unrealistic.

As the reader, or viewer, for those of you who just saw the movie adaptation, we're suppose to believe that this rich, arrogant guy changed his personality entirely in order to woo and then marry some attractive poor girl who delivers quick one-liners and has a highly volatile family No guy has ever changed this much for a girl. In fact, no where in recorded history will you see a man changed half this much for a girl or anything else. 98 out of 100 times that a guy changes for a girl he does so in order to sleep with her** and once he has done that the changes quickly wane or disappear completely. Not even true love could dictate such a dramatic transformation, especially not in Victorian era England.

By writing a character as unrealistic as Mr. Darcy, Jane Austen is setting up women and ,based on her own history, herself, up for failure. Since Ms. Austen is a very good writer, literate girls all across the globe are now convinced that men actually can change. She essetenially ruined girls perceptions of men the same way Garden State ruined the Shins. All the Shins wanted was to be another indie rock band out of the Pacific Northwest with clever lyrics and catchy guitar hooks. Then Garden State came around and all of a sudden they're suppose to be some life changing band that gives you a deeper understanding of life and an instant connection with girls like Natalie Portman. I mean who can live up to such expectations? I'm fully convinced that Garden State is wholly responsible for there being only 3-4 good songs on the last Shins album. Likewise, Austen is wholly responsible for women thinking that men actually have the ability to change. And all the while men are trying to make these dramatic, wholesale changes in under to gain favor with women. They always fall short, it'd be impossible for us not to. The whole things is just one giant circle of unfulfilled expectations and disappointment for both parties. And it never ends well. In fact it can only end with mountains upon mountains of compromised by everyone involved.

And that's why you should never read or associate with those who read Jane Austen. And if you have children, advice them to do the same. She is, intentionally or otherwise, pure evil.

Until We Meet Again
* Whom I have read. What do you want from me? I was in 8th grade, home schooled and my Jane Austen loving mother made my curriculum. I literally had no choice.
** Maybe once out of 100 times the changes actually stick, the other time the guy changes and then realizes he's gay