A Story and the Best Idea I've had in years

- First a short story for fun: So I woke up Wednesday morning around noon. I put on a sweater and went outside to find that it was 25 degrees out accompanied by 20 mph winds which mad it feel like it was 10 degrees. Have I mentioned lately that I love the Midwest? Seriously though why do people stay here? You have a sh*tty winter 6-7 months out of the year. Summers are too humid. Really the only good time of year is Autumn, which lasts about a month or month in and a half if you’re lucky. I mean Chicago’s great and all, but it’s now great enough to justify the near year round sh*tty weather. Anyhow…

So I had this idea a couple weeks ago that I feel obligated to share with all of you. You know the way on ESPN and every other sports sties they have player profiles. They give you a statistical break down of any given player, as well as their measurements and career highlights and other quirky facts. They also included a scouting report, career to date info. All in all they’re very useful way of learning about a certain player. So what I propose is that we have player profiles for real life, player profiles, but for average people. This would especially be helpful with girls.

Say you saw some young biddy whom you were attracted to, but didn’t know. Instead of spending countless hours getting to know her, while in the process endangering you’re academic and social life, you could just read her profile. This profile would have to be compiled by an unbiased source, so some outside of that person or one of their friends would have to fill it out. This would be an amazing way of seeing whether or not you wanted to actually get to know someone or not. Because nothing is worse then spending a bunch of time around a girl only to find out she’s as superficial and shallow as you first thought. People profiles would fix all of that. They could give you some very useful information or just random facts to help you along the way, such as:

- Warning Beer Slut.
- Really likes football player
- Emotional basket-case
- Plays softball.
- Listens to Pinback, Camper Van Beethoven, Neutral Milk Hotel and things of that ilk. Definite head case, stay the f*ck away from this girl.
- Has seen ‘The Notebook’ and ‘Titanic’ over 50 times each.
- Empathizes with Nicole Richie.
- Lundberg f*cked her.
- Cried during Field of Dreams
- Way to into the show Friends. Tries to make herself and everyone in her life similar to a character in the show.
- A little too into Jane Austin, i.e. probably a lesbian.
- Claims to be a big Ashton Kutcher fan.
- Listens to hardcore music, clearly her father didn’t hug her enough.
- Envisions Susan Sarandon as the perfect mother.
- Open about her tampon usage.
- Cock Tease
- Has a tattoo on the small of her back.
- Cries after intercourse

These are hust a few of the helpful tidbits these profiles would have. I mean whose life wouldn’t be made tens of thousands of times easier by this? I think I’m going to write John McCain a letter about all of this. Hopefully he’ll be able make this brilliant idea a reality.