Top 5 List: Worst U.S. Cities I've Been To

I realize I haven’t posted in awhile and I’m sorry for that. I’ve been really lazy as of late and everything I think about writing about is either overdone (i.e. World Cup, NBA Draft) or would take to long to fully cover in this space. So I making my pseudo return short and sweet. Hopefully this tides you over. Well enough with the fluff let’s get straight to my newest Top 5 List. Today’s list is the Top 5 worst U.S. Cities that I’ve visited. Please enjoy.

TOP 5 Worst U.S. Cities I've Ever Been To

5. Kenosha, Wisconsin – I’ve only been here once, and it was at night. Still that was enough to make me vow to never return. Aside from the generic boringness of every hick Midwestern town, Kenosha was also flooded with porn shops, one of which was at least 150 yards long. 150 yards. Does anyone actually need that much porn? Apparently in Wisconsin they do.

4. Cederville, Ohio – I spent a weekend here last summer for a friends wedding. This town is horrendous. It’s an hour and half away from any decent sized city in Ohio, it’s a dry county, the entire town shuts down around 7:30 p.m. and I pretty sure the majority of the people there are Amish. And as if that wasn’t bad enough it was at least 95 degrees for the entire weekend and I can’t prove it but the humidity was probably somewhere around 100 %.

3. Amarillo, Texas – Just about anywhere in west Texas belongs on this list, but Amarillo goes here because it was the last city in west Texas I was in. In reality El Paso should be here, but I haven’t been there since I was 11 so I don’t have a great frame of reference for that geological disaster. Anyhow Amarillo is just like any other place in west Texas: hot, humid, smells like absolute sh*t (presumably from all the cattle) and just an out and out hell hole.

2. Truth or Consequences, New Mexico – In my mind 1 and 2 on this list could easily be substitute for one another. I hate New Mexico, almost as passionately as I hate the fact that Shaq’s biological didn’t bother and the makers of The Lake House*. New Mexico in it’s entire is a huge sh*t hole, easily the worst state I’ve ever been to. I’ve yet to find a single redeemable thing about this entire state**. Whenever I think about how horrible New Mexico is Truth or Consequences always come to mind. If you’ve never visited here then celebrate your life. I would describe it for you, but just thinking of this sh*t hole makes me want to slam my head into a jagged rock repeatedly.

1. Yuma, Arizona – Yuma serves as the gateway from Arizona into California. Yuma was once reference in a Pedro the Lion song. With these two things on its resume most people would think that Yuma is a pretty ok place. And as usual most people would be wrong. Yuma is the worst place on Earth that I’ve ever been. And I’ve been to some of the poorest cities in Mexico as well as some of the poorest countries in the former Soviet Union and the smoking lounge in the Las Vegas Airport. I could probably write a 20 page essay I why Yuma is the worst place on earth, but that’s far to time consuming. So instead I’ll just give you a brief example of why Yuma is so gawd awful. The last two times I’ve been to Yuma I’ve been confront with disgruntle and racist locals. Last time I was there it was a few weeks ago, at night and it was 102 degrees. Yes you read that correctly. The time before that was in early February. That was in the morning it was 92 degrees, in f*cking February. On top of all that Yuma is unbelievable depressing. I liken it to Rogue in the X-Men movies. Rogue’s special power is that when she touches another human being she sucks all the life and power from this person. Yuma is almost identical to Rogue. No matter how excited I am about where I’m going, either home or California, Yuma always sucks the life out of me. All I want to when I’m in Yuma is get the hell out of there. Sometimes I just feel like dying. Yuma sucks the life out of you, honestly it does. I really don’t know how anybody survives there; it’s probably the worst place in the entire Universe. Hell for me would be an eternity in Yuma. Seriously, little to none of the last paragraph was hyperbole.

And there you have. My list of the Worst U.S. Cities I've ever been to. Hope you enjoyed it. God Speed.

p.s. Remember now that I have an e-mail address set up for this blog. Feel free to e-mail any questions or comments to: anotherwestcoastmorning@rock.com

Until We Meet Again

* Honestly this looks like the worst movie of all-time. When I first saw the previews for this movie I was so upset I almost walked out of the movie theatre. I’m not joking either. A mere preview of this movie, which has maybe the worst concept I’ve ever heard of, nearly drove me to leave the theatre before I saw the film that I had paid 8+ dollars to see. Melodramatic? Maybe. Justifiable? Absolute!
** I know some of you are probably saying: But Calvin what about Northern New Mexico, it’s pretty isn’t it. And yes Norther New Mexico is pretty alright, but in my mind any half way decent part of New Mexico (read: only the far Northern part) is just southern Colorado.