Is it really too late to apologize? : The Top 100 Songs of 2007

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Ignorance is… Everything

(Note: I finished writing this at 2:40 in the morning and since I have work relatively early I don’t feel like editing this when I wake up. So basically this is little more then my late night ramblings. I apologize if this is completely incoherent.)

Every few weeks, or when the idea comes to me, I like to send out a mass text message to certain people asking them an inane hypothetical question and then I subsequently judge them based on their answers. Well that’s not true, I just like to see which one of them can come up with the most humorous response*. I last did this a few days ago and I asked people if they thought it was a good idea for me to drop out of school and move to Mexico, specifically the beach Andy and Red are at in the end of “The Shawshank Redemption”. Now who had the funniest response isn’t important^, what is important was my though process that day at work as I received everyone’s answers.

For my entire shift all I could think about was “The Shawshank Redemption”. I’ve seen this movie at least 20+ times and I always love it and I’m always moved by the ending. However, I do have one problem with the movie that I have to try and ignore every time I watch it: The Homoerotic Overtones. Now I realize the irony of me being disturbed by homoerotic overtones in a movie in which one of the characters is sodomized in prison for two plus years, but hear me out. Red and Andy obviously were very close friends in this movie, maybe a little too close.

Now before we go on I’d just like to say that I’m not homophobic. I have a couple of gay friends and acquaintances and their sexual orientation in no way effects my relationships with them. So I’m not saying I’d have any problem if Red and Andy were gay**, I just feel like there’s a lot of subtle homoerotic insinuations between them that are never really addressed. Of course there’s probably something deeply wrong with me that I suspect two men who are good friends in a movie of being gay, but I’ll tackle that another day. The point that I’m trying to make here is that for me to fully enjoy the experience of this film, I have to willfully ignore the homoerotic inferences between Andy and Red.

The hyperbole of the last few paragraphs is all an attempt for me to build to a much larger point. I’m currently reading a book written by a psychologist named Barry Schwartz entitled ‘The Paradox of Choice’. The general synopsis of this book is that the over abundance of choices we have for any given decision, coupled with our need to make the best possible choice, actually robs us a lot of satisfaction and contentment in our lives. In this book, Schwartz suggests that people would be far happier if they ignored their urge to make the best decision and just made one that was adequate. If you ignore all the available options and just make a choice that’ll meet a good number of your needs you’ll actually be better off and happier. Schwartz has a plethora of hypothesis and data to back all this up with and he makes a very convincing argument on his behalf. And obviously it’s not as cut and dry as my 3 sentence summary makes it out to be, but the old saying of ‘ignorance is bliss’ may actually have some psychological data to back up its validity.

Now I bring this up not to try and change the way you make choices in your life, but to get at something that I was building towards with my discussion about “The Shawshank Redemption”. Anytime you watch a movie, TV show or play you have a choice to make. You can either view the actors and actresses as the people that they are or you can apply a little willful suspension of disbelief and actually try to imagine that they’re actually the characters they’re trying to portray. I realize that none of this is ground breaking and that we all realize this, at least subconsciously, at a very young age. The point I’m trying to make here is that to derive any sort of enjoyment from movies, a TV show or a play, you have to willfully ignore the fact that you’re watching actors work.

In one of his books, I’m pretty sure it’s Catcher in the Rye but I wouldn’t bet my life on it, J.D. Salinger writes a long monologue with one of his characters talking about how every time they see a movie or a play they’re fully aware that they’re watching actors trying to portray characters. Because of this the only joy the character (I’m almost certain it’s Holden Caulfield but I can’t shake the feeling that it might be a member of the Glass family) can get out of watching plays and movies is by watching which actor is the best at pretending to be someone else. It seems to me that there can be no actual enjoyment from viewing films and plays this way. The entire point of movies, and TV shows for that matter, is escapism. If you can’t get passed the fact that it’s nothing more then actors portraying characters then what’s the point. So while I’m not sure the Barry Schwartz is fully right about telling us to ignore certain options we have when making choices in life, I’m certain that we have to ignore this options when watching movies, etc. It seems to me that the only choice you have when watching some form of visual entertainment is to willfully ignore the fact that actors are merely depicting other individuals. In this case ignorance isn’t just bliss, but it’s the only choice we can make. So with that in mind I’m now going to force myself into a willful suspension of disbelief anytime I watch a movie or TV show. I think that by doing this I’ll actually enjoy it more, which is basically the entire point.

Now for all you art-house types who want to claim that film and TV shows should be art pieces that show us something about ourselves and/or the world we live in please shut the eff up. Any form of media should be for entertainment first and foremost, if it gives us some sort of revelation along the way then that’s just an added bonus. And if you’re really finding thinks out about yourself or our world/culture trough film and television then you’ve got much bigger problems. Well those last few sentence didn’t really make sense nor did they really relate to the following paragrahs, but I don’t really care at this point. I’m starting to get delirious now so I’m going wrap this up before I go on anymore tangents, which is ironic since this entire post pretty much acted as one big tangent for me.

So now that you’ve finished reading this you’re probably thinking to yourself “Hey this a-hole just wrote an entire post and didn’t really say a damn thing. In fact all he did was vocalize something everybody’s know since the age of 10”. And well, quite frankly you’re right. What can I say, I needed to stall so I could finish writing my top songs of 2007 list and I felt like writing something so I decided to give you the reader this two page puff piece that basically acts as my inner monologue. That said, I hope you enjoyed. I hope, I hope.

Until We Meet Again
* Yes this is actually how I kill time. I know, I live a very sad, shallow existence.
^ It was my main man Travis who deduced that it was only a good idea if I built a bar there like they had in “Cocktail”.
** I realize that Andy says he’s not gay when Red first warns him about the Sisters attraction to him, but that doesn’t exactly clear him. He probably just didn’t want to be raped, I mean who would. So he figures that saying he’s not gay would possibly get the Sisters to not R him.

Right Here, Right Now: The Top 20 Albums of 2007

Probably my favorite writer Walker Percy is famous for writing a certain kind of novel. To a certain degree all his books tend to run together because they’ll all have pretty much the exact same lead character. This character is always male, always southern and always rather wealthy. This character always goes through some sort of life crisis in which he realize how monotonous and repetitive his everyday life has become. In other words these men are overcome by, as he best put it in “The Moviegoer”, the malaise of everyday life.

Now I’m not bringing this up because it has anything to do with the music that came out in 2007. Nor am I just trying to show some of my literary chops (well for the most part I’m not). But I bring this up because this is the general feeling I’ve encountered while trying to write my top albums of the year list. For a little over a month now I’ve been trying to write this and nothing seems to be sticking. It’s not quite writer’s bloc, I just never even remotely like the finished product. So instead of trying to rewrite this list for the umpteenth time, I’m just going give you the list in skin and bones, with none of the frills. Only one album has any sort of description by it, and that’s because I like and it’s short and concise. And for the record this is not an attempt for me to write a top albums list the way Thom Yorke writes lyrics: vague and non-descriptive so that everyone can take their own meaning from it. Nor am I expecting anyone to call me a genius for putting out my list this way. So let’s just get on with it.

Albums I like (or have hear good things about), but need to put more time into:
Spoon – Ga Ga Ga
Wu-Tang Clan – 8 Diagrams
Animal Collective – Strawberry Jam
Sunset Rubdown – Random Spirit Lover
Aesop Rock – None Shall Pass
Great Lake Swimmers – Ongiara
Jay Z – American Gangsta*

Album Everyone Else Seems to Love That I Just Don’t Get:
Battles – Mirrored: Maybe I just haven’t listened to it enough, but after a few runs through I feel like it’s just useless noise. Remember folks, just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it’s good. This applies to all walks of life, not just music.

Albums That Just Missed the Cut:
Ryan Adams – Easy Tiger
New Pornographers – Challengers
The Polyphonic Spree – The Fragile Army
Figurines – When the Deer Wore Blue
Shawn Lee – Voices and Choices
Pella Carlberg – In a Nutshell
Josh Rouse – Country Mouse, City House

Top 20 Albums of the Year:

20. Beirut – The Flying Cup Club + Long Island EP
19. Kevin Drew – Spirit If…
18. Modest Mouse – We Were Dead Before the Ship Sank
17. Wilco – Sky Blue Sky
16. Albert Hammonds Jr. – Yours to Keep
15. Band of Horses – Cease to Begin
14. Shout Out Louds – Our Ill Wills
13. Panda Bear – Person Pitch
12. Jens Lekman - Night Falls of Kortedala
11. Feist – The Reminder
10. Do Make Say Thing – You, You’re a History of Rust
09. Black Kids – Wizard of Ahhs EP
08. Iron & Wine – The Sheppard’s Dog
07. Josh Ritter – The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter
06. Kanye West - Graduation
05. Okkervil River – The Stage Names
04. The National – Boxer
03. Andrew Bird – Armchair Apocrpha
02. Radiohead – In Rainbows
01. The Arcade Fire – Neon Bible

Well that’s all for the list. If you want to know how I feel about these albums or why I had them ranked above others, etc., feel free to ask me. You can do so either in person, over the phone, via e-mail or really any possible form of communication. I’ll be more then happy to oblige you, since it’s the combination of two of my favorite subjects: Me and the music I listen to.

Interestingly enough, while I was unable to write my top albums of the year list, quite the opposite was true for my top songs of the year list. So by next week I should have that up, at least partially. So check back then?

Until We Meet Again
* I still haven’t seen the movie or listened to this album. I need to get my priorities in line.

Because Christmas is the Time When You’re Suppose to Tell People How You Feel

So I realize I haven’t posted anything in a month and I really wanted to post something before the New Year. Lately I’ve been writing something out and then stopping midway through because I get bored with it. I feel like this maybe analogous for my entire life, but I’d rather not go there. Anyhow all this post is going to be is a collaboration of a bunch of different things that have been running through my head the past few weeks. In the spirit of this post’s title, I’m going to tell all of you about some things people do that piss me off. And if I have enough energy I may even talk about my opinions on the recent music and films I’ve been absorbing. So here goes it.

Misti with an “i”: The other day my friend Travis threw himself a party because he was leaving his job. Now as self centered as this may appear… well actually it is, I have no defense for his actions. Anyways, the fact that Travis is the type of person who throws himself a party* has nothing do with my point. At this party I was able to meet a slew of Travis coworkers whom I did not know. Now I secretly enjoy meeting people and then harshly judging them based on first impressions, it’s sort of a past time of mine. So at this particular party I was introduced to one of Travis attractive co-workers whose name was Misti. After telling me her name she felt it necessary to point out that she spells that with and i as oppose to a y. I’ve always wondered why people feel it’s essential to tell me how their name is spelled. It’s not as if I’m about to make them a name tag or that’s there’s going to be a quiz and/or spelling on how their name is spelled later in the evening. I can think of almost no situation (aside from the aforementioned name tag making) in which how your name is spelled is prevalent information. I’ve concluded that people do this because they feel that the fact that their name is spelled abnormally somehow makes them unique. This stems from parents who think that misspelling their child’s name makes them unique. It’s all just one effed up, incredibly dense circle that just keeps repeating itself. I’m urging everyone now to stop all this nonsense. If you’re with child or thinking of spawning a child sometime in the near future, just spell their name the right way. Seriously it’ll safe everyone a lot of time and frustration, namely me. And if you’re one of those unfortunate human beings who’s parents didn’t care enough (or cared too much) to spell you’re name correctly, just get over it. Stop telling people how you spell your name; it’s really not interesting at all. Another way to combat this would be for everyone to tell everyone else how their name is spelled during introductions. But then meeting people will be an even longer and more awkward ordeal, so let’s just stick with the former theory.

“I have no regrets”: I’ve probably written about this before, but I really don’t care. There are few things in life that annoying me more then someone uttering the phrase “I have no regrets”. Now I’m going the jackass-ary needed to make such a statement and focus on something else here for a second. The amount of ignorance it would actually take to have no regrets is so astounding I don’t even like to contemplate it. If you literally have nothing in your life that you regret you’re either have the mental capacity of a two year-old or you have no emotions at all. The worst part of this statement is people usually preface it by saying something to the effect of ‘The mistakes I’ve made in my life made me who I am today, so I just don’t regret them’. The fact that past experiences have made you the person you currently are should be pretty inherent. And just because these past events have formed you doesn’t mean you still shouldn’t regret them. I could go on and on about how much this phrase annoys the hell out of me, but instead I think all just move on.

Alone – The Home Recordings of Rivers Cuomo: For those of you who are unfamiliar with this CD, Rivers Cuomo is the lead singer of the once awesome band Weezer. This CD is a collection of demos Rivers’ has recorded over the years, over 80% of which were written before the turn of this century, which, for those of you scoring at home, was before Weezer started sucking ass. Since Weezer played far too important a role in my high school days I was naturally intrigued by this album. And this record actually is as advertised: Weezer’s pseudo-return to form. There’s definitely a heavy dose of nostalgia served whenever I listen to it, but that’s kind of a good and a bad thing. Listening to this demo I’m reminded of why I loved Weezer and also how truly far they’ve fallen. It’s kinda of akin to those nights when you sit around with old friends and reminisce about old times, retell high school stories, etc. While that’s all good and fun, at some point it hits you that high school really wasn’t that great and living in the past is completely and utterly depressing. And that’s pretty much the best way to describe this record. It’s a whole lot of fun, but at some point you’re going to feel depressed by the memories that have been dug up. And maybe that sentiment is a bit melodramatic, but what do you want from me, I’ve been listening to a lot of Weezer lately.

Juno: For the past few years me and my peeps all get together and go see a late movie on Christmas evening. This year we all went and saw Juno. I really liked this movie, it was funny, charming and everything I hoped it would be, although it wasn’t without its flaws. In the first ten minutes the movie almost entirely fall apart thanks to the screen writer deciding it was awesome that she was a hipster and that hipsters have their own lingo. Thankfully though the movie gets over this rough patch, namely thanks to a good story and some stellar acting. Jason Bateman steals the movie in my opinion, because his character invokes the most emotional response, at least from me. His acting was subtle and very understated and pretty amazing. Jennifer Gardner actually acts in this movie, which is equally as amazing. The two main kids nail their perspective roles and all the side characters are just about flawless. Outside of the chair motif falling woefully short and the whole ‘tic-tac as a vice’ thing just screamed of trying way too hard, the movie is really good. Probably one of the 3 best I’ve seen this year, but take that with a grain of salt because I’ve probably seen less then 20 movies this year.

Well that’s all I’ve got for you today. Check back in the New Year when I’ll have my top albums and songs of the year list up. (Insert generic Holiday Greeting/Farewell here).

Until We Meet Again
* I can’t decide if this is a step above or below giving people the birthday warning, i.e.: “Hey just wanted to let you know next Tuesday’s my birthday”.

Art May Imitate Life, but Life Imitates TV

So this past Sunday night I went out and saw Darjeeling Limited with my peeps. Now this isn’t going to be a review of the movie. Instead this is going to be a sort of one-way monologue/debate over certain thoughts and/or theories that the film provoked. But before I move on to that, let me just say that I really, really liked this movie. It’s light years better then the “Life Aquatic”, mainly because Wes Anderson* got back to making his writing an extension of J. D. Salinger’s work. This film is funny, moving and almost everything in it works. However there was one nagging detail that I just couldn’t ignore, and that detail will be the subject of the rest of this blog.

In “Darjeeling Limited” (which for some reason I keep wanting to call the Darjeeling Unlimited) Owen Wilson plays the character of Francis Whitman. Early on in the movie we learn that Francis has been in a motorcycle accident. Later on we learn that this accident was actually an attempted suicide. I apologize for this minor spoiler, although it will in almost no way affect your viewing of the film. Because of this accident Francis’s head is heavily bandaged through out the movie and he’s constantly taking maximum strength pain killers for his injuries. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue or anything other then an aspect of the story. But, as you all probably know, Owen Wilson actually tried to kill himself just a few short months ago, after the movie had finished filming. Now because of this, it made watching Owen’s character rather eerie. In a sense, Owen is playing a character whose situation nearly mirrors that of his current personal life. And while the chronological ordering doesn’t match up, this still raises the sh*tty art-house question of “Where does the film end and real life begin?”

Thankfully, I’m not a big enough douche to actually waste time and energy pondering this question, but it does bring up an interesting quandary. A while back my older brother Luke told me that he could no longer watch Tom Cruise movies because instead of seeing the character he’s trying to portray all he saw was the crazy f*ck who jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch and spouts off Christian Scientist theology as if it were proven fact. Playing devil’s advocate I rebutted with the fact that Russel Crowe is an egomaniacal asshole, but this didn’t stop him from watching Crowe’s work. He rightfully countered that Crowe is a much better actor, thus you can separate his personal persona from the characters he plays. I’m inclined to agree with this assessment, but I can still watch Tom Cruise films with ease. Maybe this is because instead of seeing Cruise portraying different characters I see Jerry Maguire portraying different character, but that’s a story for another day. In all seriousness though, I can watch Cruise’s film and completely ignore his public persona. I think he’s an actor who’s sometimes great (Magnolia**, Vanilla Sky) and sometimes mails it in like it’s nobody’s business (The Last Samurai, Mission Impossible II and III). Never the less, what all of this has to do with Owen Wilson and the “Darjeeling Limited” is the question of how do you separate the person from the character they’re portraying?

Acting is and will always be built on illusion. Every actor or actress has to deal with a set of preconceived notions, either about themselves or previous roles they’ve played, when they act. Truly great and/or transcendent acting occurs when an performer can overcome or transcend the preconceived notions that the audience has about them. This is probably why the best actor currently going are people who aren’t cultural icons. A person acting is far more believable the less you know about them personally. Much the same the way it’s far either to bullsh*t a total stranger then it is a friend or family member. Probably the best acting job I’ve ever seen was Ben Kingsely in the “House of Sand and Fog”***. I know almost nothing about Ben Kingsley, aside from the fact that he’s been knighted. So really if you want to be a great actor, at least in my opinion, you need to stay the eff out of the limelight.

All in all, regardless of the person’s personal life, if the acting and storytelling of a film are good enough they can more then overcompensate any potential problems. Now I’m not saying that Owen Wilson did a bad acting job or that the “Darjeeling Limited” wasn’t a really good story. I just couldn’t shake the unintentional parallels between Owen’s life and his character Francis’s. Sometimes these things are just unavoidable. Film, and any form of entertainment, is all about a willful suspension of disbelief. If this illusion is broken, it severely undercuts the effectiveness of said entertainment. This is probably best personified by the wide world of sports. Anytime there’s a war or national crisis going on, broadcasters constantly remind that in light of the ongoing circumstances that sporting event we’re viewing is “just a game”. Ironically, sports are always just a game, regardless of what’s going on in the world around us. But most people, my self included, want sports to be bigger then they actually are. On some level the same is true for all forms of entertainment. We really want to believe that the music, book, film or whatever that we’re currently digesting is bigger then it actually is. That somehow absorbing or participating in something that is larger then life we too become larger then life. Sadly, this is never the case. No matter how great something is, and (to a certain extent) regardless of its cultural impact****, the entertainment we consume is always just that: entertainment. And this is why all entertainment is built on illusion.

Anyhow, I really liked the “Darjeeling Limited”, I just think I would have liked it better had Owen Wilson not portrayed a man who tried to commit suicide when he had just tried to commit suicide himself. I guess like Owen and Francis “I still have some healing to do” as well.

Until We Meet Again
* Speaking of Anderson, is there any screen writer out there who makes better use of the word asshole? Between Darjeeling’s “Look at these assholes”, The Royal Tenenbaums’ “I know you asshole!” and Bottle Rocket’s “How does an asshole like Bob get such a great kitchen?” I submit that there is not.
** Now you could argue that this was due to Paul Thomas Anderson’s directing, but such an argument can never be proven as anything more then speculation. For support of this stance I give you Julianne Moore’s cartoonishly bad performance in the same movie. If PTA could make Cruise a great actor in this film then why is Moore so terrible?
*** For those of you who haven’t seen this film, I can’t say that I recommend viewing it. This film absolutely wrecked me. Far and away the most depressing movie I’ve ever seen. Although some of that probable had to do with the fact that I watched it in the dead of winter in Chicago, which is depressing enough as is.
**** I suppose you could make the argument about how art, in various forms, changes our world. But this very rarely happens. And these changes are almost never all-encompassing. And the further away we get from said change, the less and less effective it actually is. In the end the movement or change only ends up impacting a small number of people. Meanwhile the rest of the world goes on unmoved by this whole occurrence. So really art, in any form, doesn’t change the world, it merely influences subcultures. And yes I realize how contradictory this paragraph is, but I like the argument none the less.

A History of Viggo Mortensen’s Penis

(Full credit for this title goes to my main man Aaron Wallace who came up with the title after seeing Viggo in all his glory in ‘A History of Violence’)

I’m pretty sure all of you know by now that I found employment at my neighborhood Starbucks. As with any restaurant, we have our share of peculiar regulars. There’s one customer in particular who’s really, um, interesting. This guy resembles a much older, fatter version of the Gorton's fisherman. Every time he comes in and orders his coffee he’s leaves a couple of butter toffee hard candy cream savers to whichever barista is assisting him. The first time he did it to me I just assumed he had left them on the counter by accident so I altered him to his misplacement. He turned around and explained that those were for me. I’d like to think that I then thanked him, but odds are I was too awestruck to actually get any words out. Now whenever I’m working and this guy comes in he gives me two pieces of hard candy, so as to avoid any confusion. Because one piece of left behind candy could just be a mistake, but two pieces left behind, well that’s clearly a gift.

So why do I bring up the antics of this mystifying old man? Well in a strange way it reminds me of the movie I saw this last Sunday: “Eastern Promises” and its director David Cronenberg. You see normally people wouldn’t give you a piece of hard candy as a tip. They see such a gesture as a joke or a sort of eff you to the person they bestowed it on. But the Gorton’s fisherman look-a-like sees the world differently from others. Like wise, a normal director wouldn’t cast Viggo Mortensen and then put his penis on display for a good 5 minutes in their films. But David Cronenberg isn’t a normal director.

First off, let me just say that the movie is really good. It’s one of the most intense films I’ve ever seen. Through out the entire films there’s just a tension that’s never fully resolved. Even with the aforementioned Viggo and my future wife Naomi Watts on the screen, I never really felt like I was watching a movie. It felt like I found some sort of portal to look into a world I wasn’t supposed to see. To say the movie is eerily realistic is one hell of an understatement. I fully understand that you’re trying to make an overtly realistic film here, but you still could have left Viggo’s penis out of it. Although I’ll give Cronenberg credit for one thing: the fact that you keep seeing glimpses of Viggo’s ‘endowment’ is like the 4th most disturbing part of said scene.

Now before you all get on your high horses and call me a peni-phobe, just slow down. I realize it’s a natural part of the male body, but still. Nobody’s goes to the movies to see a penis. On the contrary, most people go to the movies not to see a penis*. What’s arguably more disturbing the sight of Viggo’s genital on screen is the fact that Cronenberg is now batting a 1.000 for times he’s shown Viggo’s penis in movies he’s directed with Viggo in it.

I mean honestly, you do something once it doesn’t prove anything. You do it twice, well that right there’s a pattern. Especially when it comes to cinema. Most talented directors only do a film every couple of years, so they have a much smaller sample size to draw from. So much the same M. Night Shyamalan is know for twists in his movies, Cronenberg is starting to be know for Viggo’s penis being shown in his. Maybe the guys got a serious problem and we should all be trying to get him some help. I mean what if he gets signed on to direct Hidalgo II. Would he have to put in a scene in which Viggo’s ‘manhood’ is exposed? Would the viewers be treated to countless scenes of Viggo riding the horse wearing nothing but a smile? Does this obsession carry over into other aspects of his life? Does he constantly mention how great Viggo looks nude in his interviews? Does he go home and say things like “You should have been on set today honey, Viggo’s balls looked great!”?

In the end, I guess it really doesn’t matter, but over reacting to pointless things is kinda what I do best. Although I’d still prefer not see another man’s ‘johnson’ on a 20 foot movie screen. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going go ice my hand, I think I’ve gotten carpel tunnel from typing penis so many times.

Until We Meet Again
* It’s true on so many levels.
** Stats: # of times penis was used = 13; # of euphemisms for a penis used = 5; # of times I cringed at what I was writing = 3

The Daily Wildcat Was Written in a Sort of Obsolete Vernacular….

So lately I haven’t been writing much because of a lack of inspiration. Currently nothing in my life has sparked enough interest for me to actually take time to write out my thoughts about it. I blame myself really. Over the past few months I’ve become increasingly anti-social. My life consists of doing school work, working a job where I’m apparently the only person there who isn’t overly enthused about selling overpriced coffee and tea products, listening to music and occasionally watching televisions. All in all, it’s a pretty mundane life. So really it’s my own fault that I have no inspiration, my life is incredibly boring. I’m actually pretty ok with how bland my life currently is, it’s actually quite relaxing. But lately I’ve been wanting to write something. So today I’m going to back a week or so and discuss a local news story that I was momentarily interested in.

The Daily Wildcat is the student newspaper for the University of Arizona. They sparked some controversy recently when they published this (seemingly) anti-Semitic comic:

Naturally this comic was not well received, with the exception of the University’s Neo-Nazi club. The paper quickly went into damage control mode and the editor issued an apology the next day. Now the logical question to ask here is: Why the hell was this allowed to be printed?

According to both the editor of The Daily Wildcat and the author of the above comic strip, this comic was allowed to run because it wasn’t racist. Instead, both parties claimed the comic’s intent was to make fun of people who believe in stereotypes. Now I’ve read this comic a dozen times and I’m really not sure how the hell you could interpret this as anything but racist. However, the pro free-speech crowd (read: people who’s life’s are even more boring then I my own) claims that this comic should have been allowed to run because of our free speech laws. Now I’m not one to impede on anyone’s free speech, but I can think of at least two reasons as to why this should have been printed. First off, it’s blatantly racist. Regardless of how you interpret our right to free speech you still have to apply some common sense to it. Obviously this was an extremely derogatory comic that was going to come off as a cheap shot at the Jewish community. Secondly, and maybe more importantly, it’s not even remotely funny.

Generally speaking I’d say that I have a darker sense of humor then most. I tend to enjoy jokes other would find distasteful or over the line, etc. That said, the comic strip in question is just incredibly unfunny. And that is the first reason why it should not have been printed. Now I realize it’s a college newspaper and it’s not like all the comics that run are going to be gems, but this one in particular is not funny, clever or even that creative and on top of all that it’s very offensive. In her apology, the editor had this to say about the offending comic:

“ The Daily Wildcat apologizes for the misunderstanding over the comic and does not, in any way, wish to belittle the Jewish community or depict it negatively. The Wildcat values the Jewish community as a constituent of this newspaper, and as members of this university and the world at large. We apologize to any readers who were offended.”

Now maybe I’m not interpreting this correctly, but that reads more like a ‘oh you don’t get our sense of humor’ more then it reads like an apology. This ‘apology’ comes off like the editors thinks the reader is at fault for finding this comic offensive. Which raises two pressing question: Why would you act so damned smug in a supposed apology and why the hell would you go to bat for this unfunny of a comic?

The other day I was thinking about the whole fiasco, because my current life schedule allows for lots of time to sit and think about useless things. Anyhow, I was thinking about how this whole mess would have gone away if it turns out the writer of this strip had been Jewish. I’ve never understood how it’s allowable to say racist things if you’re a member of that race. For instance, numerous black comedians often talk about how they hate certain sects of the black community (whom they generally refer to as n*****). If I dislike this same sect of people, because of the way they act not because of their race or ethnicity, I’m considered racist. How the hell does that work? If you’re racist against people, even if you belong to that race, aren’t you still a racists? I’m not sure what the answer to that is or how it relates to the topic on hand. I’m just going to stop thinking about it because I don’t think I’d ever come up with a serviceable answer.

In other news, my little brother, who’s in high school, recently participated in his schools’ blood drive. For his contributions he received a pin that said: “It’s my first time!”. I’m not sure the operators of this blood drive fully understand the context of that sentiment. Either way, it certainly gave me a good chortle. And much like the last paragraph this has nothing to do with the topic on hand, I just wanted to end on that note.

Until We Meet Again

I Kissed Reality TV Goodbye

As I set down these notes on paper I’m fully aware that I will anger a good deal of my readers and that I’ll potentially lose friends over this. But a man’s got to stand up for what he believes in. So I’ll just come right out and say it: I hate “The Hills”. Now if you don’t share my opinion and have a tendency to be overly passionate about trivial matters such as your fandom for a reality TV show, I recommend you stop reading now.

Before I get into why I hate “The Hills”, and all reality TV in general, allow me to give you a bit of a background story so you can better understand where I’m coming from with all of this.

I spent the better part of my summer as a camp counselor in the mountains of Colorado. Up in these beautiful mountains I never had cell phone coverage (when I had a phone), internet access, TV or any real access to the outside world. I stayed on this mountain almost all the time, having at most 10 hours off it per week off it. Every time I was off the mountain I felt completely out of place, almost like I was visiting a foreign country as oppose to Colorado Springs. I literally got culture shock every time I went out into the real world. I didn’t even find out that Tony Blair resigned until a month after the fact, when one of my campers told me. So pretty much I spent 2 months in a suspended state of reality in which the real world scarcely existed. And it was a beautiful thing, cause quite frankly the real world* sucks. It was during this time when I was blissfully escaping reality that, unbeknownst to me, my hatred for “The Hills” was born.

Fast forward to the end of the summer. Before I returned to the life-draining heat of Arizona I decided to spend sometime in Denver with my peeps. I spent most of my first day there lying on the ground in front of the television in various states of consciousness. When I was awake or aware enough to look at the television I noticed that MTV was running a marathon of season 2 of “The Hills”. Now normally I would just have ignored it and gone back to trying to sleep, but on this day I had to take notice of what was happening on the screen. As it turned out, this was no regular marathon, It was actually a “Dear The Hills” marathon. In this particular marathon, viewers of the female persuasion had written in letters, as one would to Dear Abby, for the girls of “The Hills” to answer. As I saw this two thoughts rushed through my head: 1.) Wait what qualifications do these girls have to answer these questions besides being on a TV show? And 2.) Who are these poor girls that are actually taking the time to write these letters and what do they think they can possibly gain from the response? (So technically that was three thoughts, but whatever.)

And that’s when I realized that these girls weren’t just ‘reality TV stars’, but they were actually idols for numerous young girls. If that thought isn’t incredibly depressing to you I question whether or not you have a human heart.

Now some of you maybe saying that it’s better for young girls to look up to the ‘ladies’ of “The Hills” than the Paris Hiltons’ and Britney Spears’ of the world. While this is true it’s kinda like saying that Stalin cared more about human rights then Hitler. The lesser of two evils is never a good side to be on friends.

My distain for this show doesn’t just come from some adolescent girls’ foolishly misplaced hero worship. No, I have much deeper reasons for my loathing of “The Hills”.

There’s the obvious reasons for my hatred that applies to “The Hills” and every reality TV show. It’s a character attribute that describes every contestant, ‘star’, protagonist or whatever the hell you want to call the people who appear on these shows. And that attribute is: Attention Whore. Every person who’s ever appeared on a reality TV show is just that. And lord knows the girls of “The Hills” are no exception to this rule. They’re actually worse then the your average, run-of-the-mill reality star, because they’re all extremely wealthy. So unlike the other selfish, foolhardy reality TV ‘stars’, these girls don’t need the money. And none of them need the recognition they receive from this show, outside of all of them being attention whores that is. You could make the argument the Lauren is doing it to further her clothing design ‘career’, but it’s a flawed one. As the plethora of stories in the news about how people’s myspace and facebook pages cost them jobs have shown us, companies don’t want to know about your social life. And they certainly don’t want your social life to be public. Any company that would be dumb enough to hire her would be welcoming a horde of media attention that would have nothing to with her actual clothing line. The fact that her love life would get more attention the clothes is not a good thing. I mean there actually is such a thing as bad press, just ask Michael Vick**.

The only way “The Hills” will help Lauren’s fashion career is if she finances the line herself, and goodness knows her family has the money to do that. If that’s the case then this horrific show will turn out to be a good career move for her. All it’s costing her is her dignity.

Another reason to hate “The Hills” and all reality TV is that it’s nothing but pure exploitation. Regardless of people’s motives for wanting to be on these shows, well actually the only two motives someone has for wanting to be on a reality TV show are narcissism and attention whore(ism). Ok so those two are pretty much the exact same, but you get the idea. Anyway, regardless of what the people on these shows think they’re getting out of the show what’s really happening is they’re being exploited for the viewer. Behind every reality TV show is some sleazy, soulless producer who willing exploits these dimwitted individuals for their own personal gain. That is what’s at the heart of all of these shows, and that, to some varying degree, is what you’re supporting when you watch these shows.

So how is this any different from non-reality TV you ask? Well for starters a sitcom or any other non-reality TV show is fictionalized. And while there’s probably a good amount of reality shows that are scripted, they’re all pretending not to be. Which is as disturbing as it sketchy. Now most people will rebut this by saying that all TV is just escapism so it doesn’t matter. While this is true, there’s still a very distinct difference between sitcoms and reality TV. If your choice for escapism is a sitcom, then you enjoy storytelling. If your choice for escapism is reality TV, then you enjoy voyeurism.

Voyeurism truly is what’s at the heart of reality TV viewing. That or you just want to feel morally superior to some jackass who’s whoring themselves out for their 15 minutes. I feel like it goes with out saying that neither of these reasons for viewing are healthy. I’m gonna wrap this up now before I go on a ten page rant about the depravity of modern day society. Just know that when you watch “The Hills” you’re not only supporting exploitation, but your also supporting a culture in which whores (attention or otherwise) like LC, Hedi, etc., are idols to countless numbers of little girls.

So the next time you watch a reality TV show remember: Not only are you supporting pure, unadulterated exploitation but you’re also supporting all those people in your life who strived to be the center of attention. The people who would kiss the teachers a$$ just to get noticed, the people who would laugh louder then everyone else at a movie theatre so people looked at them, the people who sought out the lime light and would willing throw anyone they know under a bus just for their 15 minutes of fame. You’re not just watching a TV show, you’re honestly not.

In closing, I’d appreciate it if nobody brings this post up a few months from now when I’m doing a season review of “The Hills”. Just kidding, I think…

Until We Meet Again
* I think I’m going to start referring to it as ‘the modern world’ because A.) I’m a huge Wolf Parade fan and B.) I feel like every time I say ‘the real world’ people think of that sh!tty reality show.
** I’m not trying to be shocking or inappropriate, this was just the most recent example I could think of.

Top 5 Reasons to Hate Bob Melvin and Stephen Drew

Last night I planned on finally writing about why I hate “The Hills” and reality TV, but after the Diamondbacks collapse I just couldn’t focus. I was put fully on tilt by their latest meltdown and could think of nothing else. So instead of writing about TV, I will now roll out my Top 5 Reason to Hate Bob Melvin and Stephen Drew. For those of you who don’t know, Bob Melvin is the Dbacks manager and Stephen Drew is their starting shortstop. For those of you who don’t care, I apologize. Just know this bitter, hate-filled rant is my way of venting. Enjoy.

5.) Bob Melvin’s Name:

I mean what the hell kinda of name is Bob Melvin anyway? His name sounds like a name you’d find on some high schooler’s fake id. It just sounds like a made up name. Actually his name sounds like he’s the evil manager of the burger joint in some Disney Channel movie. He’s always making life miserable for all the employees and is constantly giving our young protagonist, who of course is played by Zac Efron, a particularly hard time. And when you’re as beautiful as Zac Efron you shouldn’t take that kinda crap from anyone. Especially when you can sing… like a bird*.

4.) Stephen Drew’s Name:

Stephen Drew, what a terrible name. While we’re on the subject of Disney Made-for-TV movies, Stephen Drew sounds like the name for the preppy villain who’s also the starting quarterback on the high school football team. He’s also dating the head cheerleader who doesn’t realize she’s more then just a pretty face. Naturally he treats her very poorly, cause all football players treat their girlfriends poorly. Hopefully some young, beautiful but somehow nerdy boy will tell her how truly special she is and help her break free from the oppressive life-style that Drew and popularity force on her.

Ok, enough of that. Back to why I hate Stephen Drew’s name. Well, he has two first names, that’s why. 93% of people with two first names are a—holes, that’s just proven fact. And both his first and last name both are staple first names’ in the Frat Guy Community. The only way his name could be more Fratastic was if it was Clay Brad or Chad Troy.

3.) The handling of Line-Ups and Pitching Staff:

As if last nights completely mind-boggling use of Tony Pena wasn’t enough to prove this point, Melvin has been terrible at handling his pitching staff all year. He constantly leaves his starters in too long, routinely over-uses his middle relievers ‘til they either hit a wall or run out of confidence. He also continues to juggle the batting order so much that not a single hitter knows their role. And he continues to bench Conor Jackson, who not only has Hollywood style good looks, but is also our most effective offense player, statistically speaking. Needless to say if this team misses the playoffs the finger should be pointed directly at Melvin, who keeps finding new and ambitious ways to f*ck up this teams talent.

2.) The Curse of the Drew Family:

The Drew family is notorious for being immensely talented under-achievers. It looks like Stephen is no exception to this. It also doesn’t help him or J.D. that they both are completely devoid of emotions. In fact, I think they might be robots. Although that raises the much more difficult question of why are these robots so ineffective? Perhaps the world of Super Baseball 2020 is a lot farther off then we once thought.

1.) My Provocative:

As it turns out that I’m that guy. The guy who has to hate someone or something about the team he roots for. I feel like this phenomenon is especially true for me when it comes to baseball, probably cause I know so very little about it. That and I feed of negative energy, so yeah.

Until We Meet Again
* So I meant for that to be a Superbad reference, instead it came out like the rambling of a drunken 5 year old. My bad, my bad.

The Hot List, v. 8.0

It that time once again, time to break out the Hot List. Below is a list of things I’m Hot and Not Hot on. Enjoy.

Things I’m hot on:

Josh Ritter – The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter:

With a title like this how could you go wrong? I mean seriously, this is one of the best and funniest album titles I’ve ever heard of. And the album almost lives up to its satirically ambitious billing. I’ve always loved Mr. Ritter’s work, but this is far and away his best album. From the album’s Dylan-esque opener “To the Dogs or Whoever” it almost never misses a beat. Whether he’s writing a love song to Joan of Arc or about biblical metaphors or love blossoming in a pre-apocalyptic bomb shelter, Ritter is at his musical and lyrical best here*. I could write a whole lot more about this album but then I’d probably end up over-hyping it for everyone who’s going to listen to it, so I’ll just close by saying that you should probably go buy or download this record and listen to it immediately.

Superbad:

First off, this movie isn’t for everyone. And by not for everyone I mean that if your high school days didn’t revolve around trying to get beer and delusions of sexual grandeur then this film probably isn’t for you. Well, my high school days didn’t really revolve around that, but the weekends did at times. So… Well, this is just a funny movie that I feel like just about every guy in America can relate to. Girls though I’m not sure about. Having never been one and shown time and again that I have no earthly idea how they think. So yeah.

RJD2- Work It Out (Video):

So I really don’t know what to say here other then check this video out. It’s one of the most original music videos I’ve ever seen as well as one of the coolest. I’m not going say anything else, just go watch this video. Here’s the link: http://youtube.com/watch?v=rxjrBd4WE2U

Josh Rouse’s Podcast:

So one of my favorite musicians, Josh Rouse, recently started a podcast. As if that wasn’t reason enough for me to listen to it, he named it “Bedroom Classics Radio Hour”. Now maybe it’s just me, but ‘Bedroom Classics’ sounds more like the title of a late-night Cinemax show then a indie internet radio program. But whatever. The show is actually really, really ridiculously good. Rouse’s musical tastes may actually be better then the music he makes, which is saying something. So if you like good music and/or downloading podcasts, I’d recommend trying this one out.

Things I’m not hot on ( a.k.a. The Not Hot List):

Being Broke:

Right now instead of having actual money and/or income, I have negative money. Now I realize that’s called being in debt, but I feel like negative money has a stronger impact then just saying you’re in debt. So I currently have negative money. Now the obvious solution to all of this is to get a job, but I’ve never been one to follow the crowd. My newest plan to make money is to ask for your support. I’m not asking for much, just 50 cents a day. That’s less then the cost of a double stack at Wendy’s. It’ll be just like supporting those starving, homeless children around the world. And while I’m neither homeless or starving, I am incredibly lazy. So think about supporting me. I’ll send you a picture of me to put on your fridge and write you a monthly letter updating you on my life. The letters will be hand written, but not by me. That’s far to time consuming. So think about.

p.s. I’m joking about all this, honest to God. Well I actually am broke, but the whole 50 cents a day thing is just my perverse idea of a joke.

The Hills:

Ok, so this one is really just a teaser. I plan on writing a substantial amount (read: 1 to 1 ½ pages) on why I loathe this show, so be ready for that in the near future.

Things I’m hot on, but really wish I wasn’t (a.k.a Guilty Pleasures):

Rooney – When Did Your Heart Go Missing:

First off, this is an incredibly catchy song. Secondly, this song has some of the worst lyrics I’ve ever heard. How bad you ask, well I could sing along via guessing the lyrics the first time I ever heard it. At one point in the second verse the lead singer rhymes said, bed and head to come up with this Shakespearian-esque bit of magic:

I meant every word I said
I never was lyin' when we talked in bed
I'm retracin' every step in my head

So yeah, the lyrics are beyond terrible. But the song is still insanely catchy. Combine those two dichotomous elements and this song is safely nestled into the ‘guilty pleasures’ category. Also, if you have a good amount of time on your hands its worth going to Youtube and finding the video of this song. Watching these gotards drive around some costal area, I presume its California, is worth a couple of laughs. While watching their video I came to two conclusions, 1.) These guys were never, at any time in their lives, cool and 2.) They might actually mean the incredibly sh*tty lyrics they sing.

Sean Kingston – Beautiful Girls:

So I really like this song, but a couple things about it give me pause. A of all Mr. Kingston looks like a reject from Soul Plane and B of all his voice sounds like a retarded Louis Armstrong. But aside from that the song is great…

Until We Meet Again
* Ok I realize that I’m just an insignificant blogger, but I feel like this sentence should be a blurb on his album cover. Or at the very least his website.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

People, get excited. I’ve returned from my hiatus to recharge your life with overwritten and under-edited puff pieces about my personal opinions. Woot. Today’s post will be a brief summary of highlights from my summer. But don’t fret dear readers; this isn’t going to be a series of inside jokes from my experience as a camp counselor. I’m well aware of the fact the all camp stories are incredibly contextualized. By the time you finish explaining the circumstances the joke is either no longer funny or wasn’t funny in the first place, it’s just that you were at summer camp so you were physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted so your sense of humor was completely shot.

Anyhow, here’s a few tidbits from my summer that I thought you might be interested in. Or more appropriately, here’s a few anecdotes from my summer that I felt like writing about.

Red Rocks:

So about 12 days before I returned to Tucson, I attended a music festival at Red Rock in Morrison, Colorado. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this particular venue know that you’re missing out. It’s far and away the coolest venue I’ve ever been to. Red Rocks is pretty much an outdoor concert hall that’s surrounded by 60 foot rocks on every side. Any description I could come up with couldn’t possibly do it justice, so just check out the website at: http://www.redrocksonline.com/

Anyways, highlights from this festival include, but are not limited to:

Lucinda Williams

- Even though she’s in her mid 50’s, I’m not ashamed to say that I’m heavily crushing on Ms. Williams. Even if she is a stoned-out-of-her-mind-hippie and her set lasted at least 6 songs too long, she’s still one hell of a performer. Her newest CD “West” is proof of that. She even covered the Flaming Lips, which is pretty damned awesome in my book. So yeah, she’s good.

Devotchka

- Also know as the band that did the majority of the music for the “Little Miss Sunshine” soundtrack, Devotchka put on one of the most interesting and entertaining live shows I’ve ever seen. Even while half their songs were song in another language (or the lead singer was mumbling so incoherently that it sounded like a foreign language), I still felt like dancing and singing along to almost every song. Also, the band’s lone female kept playing instruments that were bigger then her and she wasn’t exactly a petit gal. Needless to say, this made me very happy. I’m a sucker for this sort of visual comedy.

Ryan Adams

- Ok, I have a confession to make. My main reason for writing this blog was so I could gush about seeing Ryan Adams live. I know I’m a tool and an overly-obsessed fan boy, but bare with me, I promise there’s some good stories among my not so subtle man-crush driven ramblings. Ok, this one’s going need a couple of bullet points.

- First off, I was a little nervous about seeing Mr. Adams live. For starters, he’s notorious for being a dick at his live shows. He once famously threw out a fan for requesting Bryan Adams’ “Summer of ‘69”. That and I’m not the most optimistic of human beings, some might say I’m extremely cynical. I prefer pragmatic. Anyhow, I love Ryan Adams music, so I was worried that he’d put on a sh*tty live show and thus damper my appreciation for his music. Luckily though, Ryan* came through for me. He played for over two hours and put on an incredible show. I’d go see him again in a heartbeat, he’s that good. He had some extremely humorous banter with the crowd and was just amazing musically. He and spanned the majority of his catalogue during his set, which is always a plus in my book. Towards the end of the show Ryan started barking into the microphone as oppose to talking to the audience in between songs. Now on paper this sounds like either a a-hole move or a drunken a-hole move, however it was actually quite funny and just added to my enjoyment of the show.

- As if the show wasn’t already amazing, one of the funniest/coolest things I’ve ever witnessed at a show occurred a mere 2 feet away from me. So in between songs my good friend Sam yells out** “Come Pick Me Up”, to which Ryan Adams replies:

“No I will not play that song. Because if I play that song you’ll all go home. And you won’t take me with you. And if you did take me with you you wouldn’t like me. I just can’t have that happening, not tonight. So I won’t be playing that song.”

So not only did Ryan Adams humorously respond to by friend’s request, I also learned that my close friend is a massive tool.

The Ultimate Frisbee Corollary:

So I was working at a summer camp in Colorado. For some reason almost everyone at this camp was in love with the ‘game’ of Ultimate Frisbee. If you’re unfamiliar with this game, I’d recommend taking a few moments to thank God that you’ve gone through your life while avoiding people who preach the virtues of this incredibly lame excuse for a sport as if it were the gospel. Seriously though, wikipedia Ultimate Frisbee if you don’t know what it is. That way you can fully understand this corollary. Anyhow, I’m now going to explain this corollary. So the following paragraph assumes you know what Ultimate Frisbee is. Read at your own risk.

So I decided this summer that Ultimate Frisbee is just like football, only if you removed all the enjoyable parts from football. Seriously though, if you took all the hitting, dodging and 90% of the running out of football and replaced the ball with some fruity disk you’d have Ultimate Frisbee. In short, Ultimate Frisbee is football if you removed all the good parts from football. And thus the Ultimate Frisbee Corollary is this:

If A and B are similar, but A has all the good qualities, then B is the Ultimate Frisbee version of A.

Some examples of this would be:
Panic! At the Disco is the Ultimate Frisbee version of Queen
WNBA is the Ultimate Frisbee version of the NBA
The Star Wars prequels are the Ultimate Frisbee version of the original Star Wars Trilogy
Michael Vick*** is the… Ok I can’t even think of a joke or comparison here. Hopefully you all get the idea, let’s just move on.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Now I’m not going to go and ruin the ending for all of you, although I doubt there’s anyone left in America who doesn’t know how this book ends. But that’s neither here nor there. I will say though, that this is far and away the best book in the series. J.K Rowling truly saved her best for last, even if she should have ended two chapters sooner**** and ditched the unbelievably smarmy epilogue. I really don’t have anything else to add here, I just wanted to end by writing about Harry Potter to remind all of you how very, very uncool I am. Check back sometime next week when I may have written something of semi-substance. God Speed.


Until We Meet Again
*Like the rest of the nation is with Dave, Jack and John, Ryan and I are on a first name basis.
** Yeah, he’s that guy who yells out the song he wants to hear at shows. And no, I don’t like that guy either. But in Sam’s case I’ll make an exception, although it still was a douche move.
*** Speaking of Mr. Vick, does it hurt or hinder your credibility when Stephon Marbury comes to your defense?
**** For those of you who actually read the book, I think she should have ended it at “King’s Cross”. If you want to know my reasoning behind this feel free to ask me. I’ll happily talk far too long about with you. Honest, I will.

Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginnings End

So as just about all of you already know, my blog will be shutting down for the next 6-8 weeks. I had planned some huge, grand finale type of post, but various things (weddings, pre-wedding parties, friends on military leave, ect.) kept getting in the way. The reason for my blog’s leave of absence is because I’ll be going up into the mountains of Colorado to be a summer camp counselor for the next few months. I’ll have about 8 hours a week when I won’t be on a mountain, so blogging is going to be somewhat impossible. I want to thank all of you for reading and remember I shall return in about two months. Hopefully this last post gave you all a chance for some closure and got that horrible Semisonic song stuck in your head.

Until We Meet Again
* I don’t have a footnote for this blog, but I feel like there’s something that I need to tell all of you. As I’m writing this the promo for SportsCenter is running in the background. Apparently tonight they’ll be a piece on whose baby will be a bigger sports star. This means some poor bastards employed by ESPN will have to debate this topic in regards to the children Tiger Woods, LeBron James and Jeff Gordon just had. This kinda makes you long for the days when SportsCenter was watchable. Also, if I had to join in this debate I would never be able to show my face in public again.

Top 5 Reasons to Hate America

Don’t let the title of this post fool you, I am not anti-American. I fully believe that this is one of the best, or at the very least most comfortable, places to live. There’s a lot reasons to love this country. But on the flip side, there’s also a lot of reasons the rest of the world thinks we’re a--holes. If you ever stop and think about reasons the rest of the world might hate us, you realize that we are indeed a--holes. Loveable a--holes, but a--holes none the less. With that in mind, I’ve made a list of my Top 5 Reasons to Hate America. But don’t worry dear reader(s). My blog isn’t about to morph into some sort of political blog. I’m not about to start writing about the grave injustice that is the Iraq war, or about all the protests I go to, or how inept our Congress and President are. Nor will I start linking NPR and Greenpeace. I’m not that boring. In all likelihood this is just a one time deal, so enjoy it. Now on the list.

5. Dane Cook/Larry the Cable Guy (tie): Let’s get this out of the way, neither of these men are remotely funny. The two main things comedians need to be funny are material and delivery. Both these men are failing miserably in those regards. Dane Cook’s jokes are almost never funny and his delivery resembles that of a 10 year old boy who just realized he can make his friends laugh by screaming everything he says while wildly gesticulating. And while this may have been funny in 4th grade, it’s lost a good deal of its luster over the years.

Then there’s Larry the Cable Guy. Larry just has stupid catch phrases and racists remarks to make about rednecks. How incredibly original! His delivery isn’t funny at all, it just sounds like someone doing a bad or over-exaggerated southern accent. If I really wanted to hear that I’d watch Varsity Blues. In spite of all this, these men are some how the two most popular comedians in America. Our country continually sells out all their shows, goes and watches their horribly contrived movies and flaunts these men as comedic geniuses. If I lived in another country I’d hate us just for the ignorance of supporting these two massive, massive tools

4. Paris Hilton: Really no more needs to be said about this woman thing…

3. Independence Day: No, not the actual 4th of July, but the blockbuster movie starring Will Smith and Bill Pullman. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love this movie. But I can see how it might rub non-Americans the wrong way. For instance, right before the climatic fight scene, the American protagonists send out their plans to defeat the aliens to the rest of the world via Morse Code. When the British army receives this message two officers have the following exchange in crummy English accents:

Officer #1: We’re getting a message from someone using old Morse Code. (Pauses to decipher the message) It’s from the Americans! They’ve got a plan!

Officer #2: Well it’s about bloody time!

Now keep this in mind as that dialogue sinks in, this movie was written by Americans. If you’re some dopey European watching this movie, you probably view this exchange and think:

“This is how Americans view themselves. When the world is in peril, everyone just sits around holding their dicks waiting for the Americans to come up with an idea and bail everyone out.”

Now it may not have been the writers intention for it to comes off this way, but intent generally means sh*t in the grand scheme of things. This is how the rest of the world thinks we view ourselves. We’re the heroes who are better then everyone else. We’ll drop everything and bail you out, because we’re that f*cking awesome. Granted we did this in both World Wars, but that was over 70 years ago, isn’t it about time we stop living off that memory? All we’ve done since then is make more sh*t for everyone else by trying to play Justice League all across the globe.

We’re now like the sorority girl(s) who use to never have to wait in line at the clubs, never had to buy a drink when she went out, was an a—hole to every guy and a bitch to every girl, yet she was basically untouchable for her entire youth because of her looks. Now fast forward 10 years. The years haven’t been to kind to this gal. Her a$$ has gotten bigger, chest has gotten smaller and her face looks more weathered then most casual drug users. However, this girl is still trying to act like she’s the hottest girl in the world. She’s a sad, shallow simpleton who’s still trying to live off her glory years. She can no longer get into the hottest clubs and alienates everyone in the bars she does get into by singing a little too passionately to Margaretville when it comes on*. This is just what America is like now, times two or three. I mean isn’t it time we all got over World War II**?

2. Super Sweet 16: You could substitute most MTV shows here, but this one happens to be the most deplorable of the bunch. Actually I take that back, I can tolerate/slightly enjoy most MTV shows, but Super Sweet 16 seems to be the Devil incarnated in serialized form. For my sanity’s sake I’m going to assume most of you know what goes on in this show and not explain it. All I know though is if I lived in some 3rd World country and for some reason had access to cable and this show, it would take about a nano-second of watching it before I’d swear a Jihad on the all of the United States. Hell, I live a comfortable middle-class suburbian life and all I can think about doing sometimes is hunting down and brutally murdering the little b*tches that are on this show. Ok, so that might be a bit of an over-exaggeration, but this show angers me a great deal. And as David Cross once eloquently said: “If this is what are freedom brings, then I hate our freedom too***.”

1. KFC Famous Bowls: Ok, everyone knows America has an obesity issue, but the KFC Famous Bowls are just ridiculous. I mean I’m not one to play the “there’s children starving throughout the world” card, but how on earth can anyone ever justify eating one of these things? Outside of a dare or a lost bet I really can’t think of any other reason. First off, the ingredients to this thing (mashed potatoes, corn and chicken, covered by gravy and cheese) should never be mixed together. Honesty, who came up with this idea? This is the type of thing you make when you wake up bleary eyed on the day after Thanksgiving. You search through your fridge, determined to finish off the rest of the left-overs, after you pull everything out, you figure “what the hell, I’ll mix all of this together”. But after you eat it you immediately feel ashamed and swear that you’ll never tell anyone. If you friends ever found out what you did you’d never live it down. They’d constantly berate and remind you of how fat you are. Every time someone new was introduced to your group they’d eventually bring up the time you made the fattest meal ever. And that’s just what these bowls are. The fattest meal ever.

Until We Meet Again
* For all of you who think I just expanded on that scene from “Knocked Up”, allow me to explain myself: I’ve been using some version of this analogy since I was a sophomore in High School. I’ve just updated it. “Knocked Up” is one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen though.
** I mean this only for Americans. If you’re German or Jewish, well you know…
*** Ironically, or unironically if you actually think about it, Cross said this in reference to Paris Hilton.

Almost Famous

I’ve always wanted to be famous; I think everyone has. I always feel uncomfortable around people who insist they wouldn’t want to be famous. If you say you don’t want to be famous that means one of two things: Either you’re completely full of sh*t, or you’re not a self-centered a**hole like the rest of us. Either way, I don’t want you around, you make me uneasy.

My reasons for wanting fame have fluctuated throughout my life. There’s always been the generic reasons like women, money, iconic status, women, supreme-awesomeness, etc. But lately something has come completely out of left field to make me yearn for stardom. And that something is “Itunes Celebrity Playlist.”

If you’re unfamiliar with these lists, allow me to explain them. What these lists are is a ‘playlist’ of songs put together by some celebrity, pseudo-celebrity, or artist. What purpose these lists serve is unknown, but they bring me joy on so many levels. It’s always fun to learn that some actor or athlete you like has good taste in music. And it’s equally fun/disheartening to learn that some truly horrific bands, like Hoobastank, have almost identical musical tastes to yourself*. Now I really want to be a celebrity just so Apple will ask me to make a playlist and everyone will see how awesome my musical taste is.

So the other day as I was jealously browsing celebrity playlists, something dawned upon me. I said to myself:

“Hey Calvin, you’ve got a blog. And upwards of 15 people read that blog. And you’re a celebrity/hero/savior to all your readers, so why don’t you just post your playlist on your blog?”

It was at that point that I realized – and this was for the third time today, folks – that I’m damn near a genius. So, without further ado, here’s the first of what I suspect will be many:

Calvin’s Itunes Celebrity Playlist

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I’ve always been inspired by music. It drives me to be a better person and a better (insert celebrity career). Here’s a short list of what I’ve been listening to the past month or so.

Phoenix – “Rally”: Just a great upbeat song by a great band. I think it’s impossible to not want to dance when you hear this song, or tap your hand on the steering wheel if you hear it while driving. Or to give at least some indication that you’re enjoying the song.

Travis – “Selfish Jean”: Travis was one of my favorite bands growing up. They’re almost solely responsible for my love of Brit Rock. This is sort of an experimental track for Travis, as the drums on this song are actually audible to the human ear.

The Thermals – “Pillar of Salt”: With all due respect to The Killers and Interpol, this might be the best synth rock song ever.

Bright Eyes – “Four Winds”: Despite Conor Oberst’s pretension, melodramatic lyrics, and his over-the-top bravado, I still enjoy Bright Eyes. That’s because, in my opinion, they’re about as good as it gets musically. This song is no exception.

Bill Callahan – “Sycamore”: I’m really not sure why Mr. Callahan decided to drop his Smog alias, but this song is gorgeous nonetheless. Also, I really didn’t mean to rhyme in that last sentence.

Beirut – “Elephant Gun”: After a stellar debut, Beirut got themselves a full band. Their sound is a lot fuller now, and Zach Condon still has one of the top voices in music.

The National – “Start A War”: The National are generally too clever for their own good. Their lyrics are oftentimes a little too witty and subtle that they’re too easily dismissed**. This is not the case though for this song (or for most of their newest album). This song is just a beautiful, simply-stated love song.

Cloud Cult – “Chemicals Collide”: Outside of the fact that Cloud Cult sounds like something out of a Final Fantasy game, there’s nothing to dislike about this band or this song.

Coconut Records – “West Coast”: My near-homeless friend John Asdell recommended this song to me and I can’t thank him enough for that. Now, you’d assume John’s time would be better served in search of some sort of monetary income instead of recommending music to friends. Still, that’s neither here nor there.

Aqueduct – “Broken Records”: Aqueduct kinda sounds like a combination of Built to Spill and Mates of State. Except there’s no Doug Marsh, and unlike Mates of State, they’re actually good.

Dntel (Feat. Jenny Lewis) – “Roll On”: If I were blind and could only distinguish (read: judge) people based on their voice, I have no doubt that I would think Jenny Lewis was the most beautiful woman in the world. On voice alone, she’s the most desirable women in the US. The rest of the package is, um, not quite as good as her voice. Oh yeah, this song is OK too.

Snow Patrol – “Signal Fire”: No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop loving Snow Patrol. Even on songs like this, when they’re clearly mailing it in***. Still, I’m always a sucker for grandiose music accompanied by a near silent piano-driven bridge. Damn you, Gary Lightbody.

Until We Meet Again
* I actually don’t remember if Hoobastank even has a celebrity playlist. And if they did I certainly don’t remember what kind of music they listened to. I just like typing Hoobastank.
**However, it should be noted that this is one of the main reasons I love The National.
*** At least I hope they’re mailing it in, because otherwise they’ve really fallen off.

David Stern, I will Feel Your Blood On My Hands… TONIGHT!?!?!?

F*ck you David Stern. F*ck you for caring more about your league’s image then about the level of it’s play. F*ck you for being too cowardly to admit that always interpreting this rule by the letter of the law was incredibly foolish and a mistake. F*ck you for allowing other rules to be interpreted subjectively, but not allowing the same treatment for this rule. Also, f*ck you for being to much of a va-jay-jay to show up in Phoenix tonight to take your (verbal) beating like a man. F*ck the NBA for once again ruining a great playoff series and being too stubborn to admit fault. F*ck me for caring for too much about a game that I have no actual impact on. And finally, f*ck me again for not giving up on the NBA after this debacle.

So I was going to write a full blown, essay-length blog on this incident, but I didn’t have the time. You see when you do absolutely nothing all day, like I do, it’s hard to find the time to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. For instance, in order to have fully and satisfactorily written about the suspensions handed down in the Suns-Spurs series I would have had to make time to do so. And what, preytell, could I have cut out?

- The two hours after I woke up that I laid in bed and played my Ukulele? Not likely, seeing as how that relaxes and prepares me to face the day*.

- The hour I spent reading the paper and debating whether or not I should do the dishes I had left from last night? I couldn’t have cut this out, it was the busiest part of my day. I was multi tasking.

- The 15 minutes I walked my dogs and then decided that it was way too hot to be outside? Ok maybe this, but 15 minutes wouldn’t have been enough.

- The hour I spent simulating game on MVP Baseball 2005 in order to get to the playoffs? Not a chance. That sh*ts a priority these days.

- How about the hour and a half in which I went to lunch with my brother? Again, no. Blood is thicker then water.

By the time I got home from lunch PTI was on and I still had dishes to do. So really, I had no time to write. So instead I just decided to give you the extremely shortened version of what I would have written. I left out some really great stuff, like how this is a direct result of the media bias. Thanks to the media labeling basketball players as thugs when they fight, all the while claiming its part of the game anytime a players from any other sports fights. And because of this bias the NBA always overreacts anytime there’s even the slightest of skirmishes. I also was going talk about how dangerous a precedent Stern is setting by allowing the team that deliberately delivers cheap shots can benefit from doing so. I think I also left out some anti-Semitic remarks about Stern, which is probably a good thing.

I could have literally written at least ten pages about this, I was that angry. Especially after the “it’s not about fairness, it’s about correctness” line from Stu Jackson. Really, so you’d rather uphold a stupid rule then allow the players to decide a series? Or after David Stern came off like the most condescending prick ever on the Dan Patrick Show and tried to pass the blame onto the owners and the Suns coaching staff. But, as I’ve already mentioned, other things got in the way of me doing this. So all I really had time left to write was an expletive filled rant and a brief explanation of that rant.

What kills me the most about all of this, is that the people who are going to be the most pissed off by this, i.e. true basketball fans, are the ones who won’t do anything about it. I’m so infuriated that I want to boycott the NBA, but I love basketball too much to do that. If anything, Stern has made more casual fans interested in this game with this ruling. He knows that the people who are most pissed off and most affected by this will always be back. But my ruling this he guarantees his league more press and more casual viewers. So really it’s a smart business move, just an incredibly f*cked up and heartless one. I could go on, but in all likelihood I’d never stop. And I have to go do my dishes anyway.

Until We Meet Again
* And no, playing my ukulele is not a euphemism for masturbation.