I Got 99 Problems...

We all know how the phrase ends. And I think we can all relate, in some way or another. Some of you may remember that I recently thought that I was either gay or A sexual, but recent events and some deep soul searching have showed me the error in my assumption. So here it goes. In the bane of Randy and that chunky Asdell kid, I’m going to write about love (or lack thereof in my case. LOL)

Anyhow, I went through a stretch a few weeks back where, regardless of how hard I tried, I couldn’t find any girls attractive. Now before your mind starts rushing off in the wrong direction, let me enlighten you. This doesn’t mean I was put off by the female form. I still found girls attractive, but I couldn’t find any worthy of pursuit or daydreaming, and things of that nature. So I began to wonder whether or not I was gay or something like that. I thought about it, and I realized two things that convinced me I was neither gay nor A sexual. First, the thought of intercourse with another man absolutely disgusts me. I’d rather die some slow excruciating death then give or receive, well you know, that S word. And as for being A sexual, the thought of a life with out any sexual gratification is equally as terrifying to me. So why then could I not find a fefe* to have a crush on? I eventually figured it out. My standards, despite being extremely brief, are way too high. I only want a girl who’s attractive, smart, and not a complete emotional basket case. I know, I know, I’m f*cked. Because the only females I find that aren’t emotional wrecks are either A.) Similar and looks and mannerism to that of a dude. Or B.) Painstakingly shallow. So what’s a jigga to do? Should I compromise my standards and beliefs or hold out hope that there’s a girl out there who can actually meet my standards? I realize the latter is about as futile as believing and Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and that not all sailors are gay**. I guess it’s just hopeless. To be honest, all I really want is a girl to kiss me on the cheek when I leave, like in those old timey movies. Is that too much to ask for? I don't think it is. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m now going to slice my wrist why listening to Air Supply.

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right, believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you?
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

Until We Meet Again

* Midwest slang for a lady.
** Seriously, does anyone know or ever seen a straight sailor? That’s what I thought.