Phone calls and things of that nature

Disclaimer: To anyone I’ve talk on the phone with in the last couple of months be assured this is not about you. These are just some thoughts and observations I've made. No one who reads this blog is the cause of this post, and that’s the honest to God truth.

So as most of you know I recently purchased a cell phone. Since then I’ve had several people calling me, some of whom I had no intention of ever speaking with again (yeah that ones about you half brother! B*tch.), and all these conversations have ended poorly. Now there are several different reasons for this. The following is reasons why I suck at phone calls, as well as ways to make calls better, for everyone (namely me).

1.) I don’t translate well on the phone: I haven’t had my A game for months now, maybe years. Needless to say I'm far from my best, and I’m even worse on the phone. I think it’s because a large part of my communication is verbal. And when I’m actually talking to some one face to face I have some idea of when they’ll stop talking. On the phone I have almost no sense of the flow of conversation. So the majority of my phone calls are filled up with me awkwardly cutting people off or awkward silences.

2.) People are f*cking retarded when it comes to phone calls: Everyone should know by now that phone calls can never come close to replacing talking with someone face to face. Which should make people realize that the only purpose of a phone call is: to find out where someone is or what they’re doing or to catch up with that person. If the said call is regarding the first two, then that call should last no longer then a minute and a half. If you’re truly calling to catch up with someone, you should follow this proceeded. Person A gives a brief synopsis of what has gone on in his life since the two parties have last talked. Person B listens intently and only speaks if it is to ask for a further explanation or clarity. When Person A is done, then Person B goes and the same rules apply. Wouldn’t calls be easier if we all followed this simple format?

3.) The Comfort Zone: This one mainly applies to men talking with other men on the phone. As a general rule, guys seem to dance around all the ‘how have you been’ for at least 10 minutes. The first ten minutes of the conversation are usually spent awkwardly exchanging jokes and verbal jabs. Eventually the two come to some sort of middle ground where they’re then comfortable enough to talk about why they really called, to catch up. For me, I find things get awkward after the ice has been broken. What that says about me, I don’t know.

4.) When the conversation comes to a screeching halt, end it: Every phone conversation dies eventually. When this happens, end it. Sounds simple, but for some reason it’s not. Must people seem content to let the conversation a slow and painful death. People would rather sit in a silence so immensely awkward that both sides of the conversation want to tear their own flesh off then end a phone call. I suppose people don’t want to come off as rude for ending the conversation, but that’s dumb. I suggest that when a certain amount of time has past, people should end the conversation at the first sign of it dying. We’ve all had calls which left of with a bad taste in our mouths because of how horribly they ended. Let’s avoid this and just end them early.

And that’s why I suck on the phone. But if you follow my plan, you should be having less awkward and more productive phone calls in no time.

Until We Meet Again.

p.s. I’ll be back next week with an NBA Season preview. If sports aren’t you’re thing, probably best to not check back next week.