The Hot List, v. 8.0

It that time once again, time to break out the Hot List. Below is a list of things I’m Hot and Not Hot on. Enjoy.

Things I’m hot on:

Josh Ritter – The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter:

With a title like this how could you go wrong? I mean seriously, this is one of the best and funniest album titles I’ve ever heard of. And the album almost lives up to its satirically ambitious billing. I’ve always loved Mr. Ritter’s work, but this is far and away his best album. From the album’s Dylan-esque opener “To the Dogs or Whoever” it almost never misses a beat. Whether he’s writing a love song to Joan of Arc or about biblical metaphors or love blossoming in a pre-apocalyptic bomb shelter, Ritter is at his musical and lyrical best here*. I could write a whole lot more about this album but then I’d probably end up over-hyping it for everyone who’s going to listen to it, so I’ll just close by saying that you should probably go buy or download this record and listen to it immediately.

Superbad:

First off, this movie isn’t for everyone. And by not for everyone I mean that if your high school days didn’t revolve around trying to get beer and delusions of sexual grandeur then this film probably isn’t for you. Well, my high school days didn’t really revolve around that, but the weekends did at times. So… Well, this is just a funny movie that I feel like just about every guy in America can relate to. Girls though I’m not sure about. Having never been one and shown time and again that I have no earthly idea how they think. So yeah.

RJD2- Work It Out (Video):

So I really don’t know what to say here other then check this video out. It’s one of the most original music videos I’ve ever seen as well as one of the coolest. I’m not going say anything else, just go watch this video. Here’s the link: http://youtube.com/watch?v=rxjrBd4WE2U

Josh Rouse’s Podcast:

So one of my favorite musicians, Josh Rouse, recently started a podcast. As if that wasn’t reason enough for me to listen to it, he named it “Bedroom Classics Radio Hour”. Now maybe it’s just me, but ‘Bedroom Classics’ sounds more like the title of a late-night Cinemax show then a indie internet radio program. But whatever. The show is actually really, really ridiculously good. Rouse’s musical tastes may actually be better then the music he makes, which is saying something. So if you like good music and/or downloading podcasts, I’d recommend trying this one out.

Things I’m not hot on ( a.k.a. The Not Hot List):

Being Broke:

Right now instead of having actual money and/or income, I have negative money. Now I realize that’s called being in debt, but I feel like negative money has a stronger impact then just saying you’re in debt. So I currently have negative money. Now the obvious solution to all of this is to get a job, but I’ve never been one to follow the crowd. My newest plan to make money is to ask for your support. I’m not asking for much, just 50 cents a day. That’s less then the cost of a double stack at Wendy’s. It’ll be just like supporting those starving, homeless children around the world. And while I’m neither homeless or starving, I am incredibly lazy. So think about supporting me. I’ll send you a picture of me to put on your fridge and write you a monthly letter updating you on my life. The letters will be hand written, but not by me. That’s far to time consuming. So think about.

p.s. I’m joking about all this, honest to God. Well I actually am broke, but the whole 50 cents a day thing is just my perverse idea of a joke.

The Hills:

Ok, so this one is really just a teaser. I plan on writing a substantial amount (read: 1 to 1 ½ pages) on why I loathe this show, so be ready for that in the near future.

Things I’m hot on, but really wish I wasn’t (a.k.a Guilty Pleasures):

Rooney – When Did Your Heart Go Missing:

First off, this is an incredibly catchy song. Secondly, this song has some of the worst lyrics I’ve ever heard. How bad you ask, well I could sing along via guessing the lyrics the first time I ever heard it. At one point in the second verse the lead singer rhymes said, bed and head to come up with this Shakespearian-esque bit of magic:

I meant every word I said
I never was lyin' when we talked in bed
I'm retracin' every step in my head

So yeah, the lyrics are beyond terrible. But the song is still insanely catchy. Combine those two dichotomous elements and this song is safely nestled into the ‘guilty pleasures’ category. Also, if you have a good amount of time on your hands its worth going to Youtube and finding the video of this song. Watching these gotards drive around some costal area, I presume its California, is worth a couple of laughs. While watching their video I came to two conclusions, 1.) These guys were never, at any time in their lives, cool and 2.) They might actually mean the incredibly sh*tty lyrics they sing.

Sean Kingston – Beautiful Girls:

So I really like this song, but a couple things about it give me pause. A of all Mr. Kingston looks like a reject from Soul Plane and B of all his voice sounds like a retarded Louis Armstrong. But aside from that the song is great…

Until We Meet Again
* Ok I realize that I’m just an insignificant blogger, but I feel like this sentence should be a blurb on his album cover. Or at the very least his website.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

People, get excited. I’ve returned from my hiatus to recharge your life with overwritten and under-edited puff pieces about my personal opinions. Woot. Today’s post will be a brief summary of highlights from my summer. But don’t fret dear readers; this isn’t going to be a series of inside jokes from my experience as a camp counselor. I’m well aware of the fact the all camp stories are incredibly contextualized. By the time you finish explaining the circumstances the joke is either no longer funny or wasn’t funny in the first place, it’s just that you were at summer camp so you were physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted so your sense of humor was completely shot.

Anyhow, here’s a few tidbits from my summer that I thought you might be interested in. Or more appropriately, here’s a few anecdotes from my summer that I felt like writing about.

Red Rocks:

So about 12 days before I returned to Tucson, I attended a music festival at Red Rock in Morrison, Colorado. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this particular venue know that you’re missing out. It’s far and away the coolest venue I’ve ever been to. Red Rocks is pretty much an outdoor concert hall that’s surrounded by 60 foot rocks on every side. Any description I could come up with couldn’t possibly do it justice, so just check out the website at: http://www.redrocksonline.com/

Anyways, highlights from this festival include, but are not limited to:

Lucinda Williams

- Even though she’s in her mid 50’s, I’m not ashamed to say that I’m heavily crushing on Ms. Williams. Even if she is a stoned-out-of-her-mind-hippie and her set lasted at least 6 songs too long, she’s still one hell of a performer. Her newest CD “West” is proof of that. She even covered the Flaming Lips, which is pretty damned awesome in my book. So yeah, she’s good.

Devotchka

- Also know as the band that did the majority of the music for the “Little Miss Sunshine” soundtrack, Devotchka put on one of the most interesting and entertaining live shows I’ve ever seen. Even while half their songs were song in another language (or the lead singer was mumbling so incoherently that it sounded like a foreign language), I still felt like dancing and singing along to almost every song. Also, the band’s lone female kept playing instruments that were bigger then her and she wasn’t exactly a petit gal. Needless to say, this made me very happy. I’m a sucker for this sort of visual comedy.

Ryan Adams

- Ok, I have a confession to make. My main reason for writing this blog was so I could gush about seeing Ryan Adams live. I know I’m a tool and an overly-obsessed fan boy, but bare with me, I promise there’s some good stories among my not so subtle man-crush driven ramblings. Ok, this one’s going need a couple of bullet points.

- First off, I was a little nervous about seeing Mr. Adams live. For starters, he’s notorious for being a dick at his live shows. He once famously threw out a fan for requesting Bryan Adams’ “Summer of ‘69”. That and I’m not the most optimistic of human beings, some might say I’m extremely cynical. I prefer pragmatic. Anyhow, I love Ryan Adams music, so I was worried that he’d put on a sh*tty live show and thus damper my appreciation for his music. Luckily though, Ryan* came through for me. He played for over two hours and put on an incredible show. I’d go see him again in a heartbeat, he’s that good. He had some extremely humorous banter with the crowd and was just amazing musically. He and spanned the majority of his catalogue during his set, which is always a plus in my book. Towards the end of the show Ryan started barking into the microphone as oppose to talking to the audience in between songs. Now on paper this sounds like either a a-hole move or a drunken a-hole move, however it was actually quite funny and just added to my enjoyment of the show.

- As if the show wasn’t already amazing, one of the funniest/coolest things I’ve ever witnessed at a show occurred a mere 2 feet away from me. So in between songs my good friend Sam yells out** “Come Pick Me Up”, to which Ryan Adams replies:

“No I will not play that song. Because if I play that song you’ll all go home. And you won’t take me with you. And if you did take me with you you wouldn’t like me. I just can’t have that happening, not tonight. So I won’t be playing that song.”

So not only did Ryan Adams humorously respond to by friend’s request, I also learned that my close friend is a massive tool.

The Ultimate Frisbee Corollary:

So I was working at a summer camp in Colorado. For some reason almost everyone at this camp was in love with the ‘game’ of Ultimate Frisbee. If you’re unfamiliar with this game, I’d recommend taking a few moments to thank God that you’ve gone through your life while avoiding people who preach the virtues of this incredibly lame excuse for a sport as if it were the gospel. Seriously though, wikipedia Ultimate Frisbee if you don’t know what it is. That way you can fully understand this corollary. Anyhow, I’m now going to explain this corollary. So the following paragraph assumes you know what Ultimate Frisbee is. Read at your own risk.

So I decided this summer that Ultimate Frisbee is just like football, only if you removed all the enjoyable parts from football. Seriously though, if you took all the hitting, dodging and 90% of the running out of football and replaced the ball with some fruity disk you’d have Ultimate Frisbee. In short, Ultimate Frisbee is football if you removed all the good parts from football. And thus the Ultimate Frisbee Corollary is this:

If A and B are similar, but A has all the good qualities, then B is the Ultimate Frisbee version of A.

Some examples of this would be:
Panic! At the Disco is the Ultimate Frisbee version of Queen
WNBA is the Ultimate Frisbee version of the NBA
The Star Wars prequels are the Ultimate Frisbee version of the original Star Wars Trilogy
Michael Vick*** is the… Ok I can’t even think of a joke or comparison here. Hopefully you all get the idea, let’s just move on.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

Now I’m not going to go and ruin the ending for all of you, although I doubt there’s anyone left in America who doesn’t know how this book ends. But that’s neither here nor there. I will say though, that this is far and away the best book in the series. J.K Rowling truly saved her best for last, even if she should have ended two chapters sooner**** and ditched the unbelievably smarmy epilogue. I really don’t have anything else to add here, I just wanted to end by writing about Harry Potter to remind all of you how very, very uncool I am. Check back sometime next week when I may have written something of semi-substance. God Speed.


Until We Meet Again
*Like the rest of the nation is with Dave, Jack and John, Ryan and I are on a first name basis.
** Yeah, he’s that guy who yells out the song he wants to hear at shows. And no, I don’t like that guy either. But in Sam’s case I’ll make an exception, although it still was a douche move.
*** Speaking of Mr. Vick, does it hurt or hinder your credibility when Stephon Marbury comes to your defense?
**** For those of you who actually read the book, I think she should have ended it at “King’s Cross”. If you want to know my reasoning behind this feel free to ask me. I’ll happily talk far too long about with you. Honest, I will.

Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginnings End

So as just about all of you already know, my blog will be shutting down for the next 6-8 weeks. I had planned some huge, grand finale type of post, but various things (weddings, pre-wedding parties, friends on military leave, ect.) kept getting in the way. The reason for my blog’s leave of absence is because I’ll be going up into the mountains of Colorado to be a summer camp counselor for the next few months. I’ll have about 8 hours a week when I won’t be on a mountain, so blogging is going to be somewhat impossible. I want to thank all of you for reading and remember I shall return in about two months. Hopefully this last post gave you all a chance for some closure and got that horrible Semisonic song stuck in your head.

Until We Meet Again
* I don’t have a footnote for this blog, but I feel like there’s something that I need to tell all of you. As I’m writing this the promo for SportsCenter is running in the background. Apparently tonight they’ll be a piece on whose baby will be a bigger sports star. This means some poor bastards employed by ESPN will have to debate this topic in regards to the children Tiger Woods, LeBron James and Jeff Gordon just had. This kinda makes you long for the days when SportsCenter was watchable. Also, if I had to join in this debate I would never be able to show my face in public again.

Top 5 Reasons to Hate America

Don’t let the title of this post fool you, I am not anti-American. I fully believe that this is one of the best, or at the very least most comfortable, places to live. There’s a lot reasons to love this country. But on the flip side, there’s also a lot of reasons the rest of the world thinks we’re a--holes. If you ever stop and think about reasons the rest of the world might hate us, you realize that we are indeed a--holes. Loveable a--holes, but a--holes none the less. With that in mind, I’ve made a list of my Top 5 Reasons to Hate America. But don’t worry dear reader(s). My blog isn’t about to morph into some sort of political blog. I’m not about to start writing about the grave injustice that is the Iraq war, or about all the protests I go to, or how inept our Congress and President are. Nor will I start linking NPR and Greenpeace. I’m not that boring. In all likelihood this is just a one time deal, so enjoy it. Now on the list.

5. Dane Cook/Larry the Cable Guy (tie): Let’s get this out of the way, neither of these men are remotely funny. The two main things comedians need to be funny are material and delivery. Both these men are failing miserably in those regards. Dane Cook’s jokes are almost never funny and his delivery resembles that of a 10 year old boy who just realized he can make his friends laugh by screaming everything he says while wildly gesticulating. And while this may have been funny in 4th grade, it’s lost a good deal of its luster over the years.

Then there’s Larry the Cable Guy. Larry just has stupid catch phrases and racists remarks to make about rednecks. How incredibly original! His delivery isn’t funny at all, it just sounds like someone doing a bad or over-exaggerated southern accent. If I really wanted to hear that I’d watch Varsity Blues. In spite of all this, these men are some how the two most popular comedians in America. Our country continually sells out all their shows, goes and watches their horribly contrived movies and flaunts these men as comedic geniuses. If I lived in another country I’d hate us just for the ignorance of supporting these two massive, massive tools

4. Paris Hilton: Really no more needs to be said about this woman thing…

3. Independence Day: No, not the actual 4th of July, but the blockbuster movie starring Will Smith and Bill Pullman. Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love this movie. But I can see how it might rub non-Americans the wrong way. For instance, right before the climatic fight scene, the American protagonists send out their plans to defeat the aliens to the rest of the world via Morse Code. When the British army receives this message two officers have the following exchange in crummy English accents:

Officer #1: We’re getting a message from someone using old Morse Code. (Pauses to decipher the message) It’s from the Americans! They’ve got a plan!

Officer #2: Well it’s about bloody time!

Now keep this in mind as that dialogue sinks in, this movie was written by Americans. If you’re some dopey European watching this movie, you probably view this exchange and think:

“This is how Americans view themselves. When the world is in peril, everyone just sits around holding their dicks waiting for the Americans to come up with an idea and bail everyone out.”

Now it may not have been the writers intention for it to comes off this way, but intent generally means sh*t in the grand scheme of things. This is how the rest of the world thinks we view ourselves. We’re the heroes who are better then everyone else. We’ll drop everything and bail you out, because we’re that f*cking awesome. Granted we did this in both World Wars, but that was over 70 years ago, isn’t it about time we stop living off that memory? All we’ve done since then is make more sh*t for everyone else by trying to play Justice League all across the globe.

We’re now like the sorority girl(s) who use to never have to wait in line at the clubs, never had to buy a drink when she went out, was an a—hole to every guy and a bitch to every girl, yet she was basically untouchable for her entire youth because of her looks. Now fast forward 10 years. The years haven’t been to kind to this gal. Her a$$ has gotten bigger, chest has gotten smaller and her face looks more weathered then most casual drug users. However, this girl is still trying to act like she’s the hottest girl in the world. She’s a sad, shallow simpleton who’s still trying to live off her glory years. She can no longer get into the hottest clubs and alienates everyone in the bars she does get into by singing a little too passionately to Margaretville when it comes on*. This is just what America is like now, times two or three. I mean isn’t it time we all got over World War II**?

2. Super Sweet 16: You could substitute most MTV shows here, but this one happens to be the most deplorable of the bunch. Actually I take that back, I can tolerate/slightly enjoy most MTV shows, but Super Sweet 16 seems to be the Devil incarnated in serialized form. For my sanity’s sake I’m going to assume most of you know what goes on in this show and not explain it. All I know though is if I lived in some 3rd World country and for some reason had access to cable and this show, it would take about a nano-second of watching it before I’d swear a Jihad on the all of the United States. Hell, I live a comfortable middle-class suburbian life and all I can think about doing sometimes is hunting down and brutally murdering the little b*tches that are on this show. Ok, so that might be a bit of an over-exaggeration, but this show angers me a great deal. And as David Cross once eloquently said: “If this is what are freedom brings, then I hate our freedom too***.”

1. KFC Famous Bowls: Ok, everyone knows America has an obesity issue, but the KFC Famous Bowls are just ridiculous. I mean I’m not one to play the “there’s children starving throughout the world” card, but how on earth can anyone ever justify eating one of these things? Outside of a dare or a lost bet I really can’t think of any other reason. First off, the ingredients to this thing (mashed potatoes, corn and chicken, covered by gravy and cheese) should never be mixed together. Honesty, who came up with this idea? This is the type of thing you make when you wake up bleary eyed on the day after Thanksgiving. You search through your fridge, determined to finish off the rest of the left-overs, after you pull everything out, you figure “what the hell, I’ll mix all of this together”. But after you eat it you immediately feel ashamed and swear that you’ll never tell anyone. If you friends ever found out what you did you’d never live it down. They’d constantly berate and remind you of how fat you are. Every time someone new was introduced to your group they’d eventually bring up the time you made the fattest meal ever. And that’s just what these bowls are. The fattest meal ever.

Until We Meet Again
* For all of you who think I just expanded on that scene from “Knocked Up”, allow me to explain myself: I’ve been using some version of this analogy since I was a sophomore in High School. I’ve just updated it. “Knocked Up” is one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen though.
** I mean this only for Americans. If you’re German or Jewish, well you know…
*** Ironically, or unironically if you actually think about it, Cross said this in reference to Paris Hilton.

Almost Famous

I’ve always wanted to be famous; I think everyone has. I always feel uncomfortable around people who insist they wouldn’t want to be famous. If you say you don’t want to be famous that means one of two things: Either you’re completely full of sh*t, or you’re not a self-centered a**hole like the rest of us. Either way, I don’t want you around, you make me uneasy.

My reasons for wanting fame have fluctuated throughout my life. There’s always been the generic reasons like women, money, iconic status, women, supreme-awesomeness, etc. But lately something has come completely out of left field to make me yearn for stardom. And that something is “Itunes Celebrity Playlist.”

If you’re unfamiliar with these lists, allow me to explain them. What these lists are is a ‘playlist’ of songs put together by some celebrity, pseudo-celebrity, or artist. What purpose these lists serve is unknown, but they bring me joy on so many levels. It’s always fun to learn that some actor or athlete you like has good taste in music. And it’s equally fun/disheartening to learn that some truly horrific bands, like Hoobastank, have almost identical musical tastes to yourself*. Now I really want to be a celebrity just so Apple will ask me to make a playlist and everyone will see how awesome my musical taste is.

So the other day as I was jealously browsing celebrity playlists, something dawned upon me. I said to myself:

“Hey Calvin, you’ve got a blog. And upwards of 15 people read that blog. And you’re a celebrity/hero/savior to all your readers, so why don’t you just post your playlist on your blog?”

It was at that point that I realized – and this was for the third time today, folks – that I’m damn near a genius. So, without further ado, here’s the first of what I suspect will be many:

Calvin’s Itunes Celebrity Playlist

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I’ve always been inspired by music. It drives me to be a better person and a better (insert celebrity career). Here’s a short list of what I’ve been listening to the past month or so.

Phoenix – “Rally”: Just a great upbeat song by a great band. I think it’s impossible to not want to dance when you hear this song, or tap your hand on the steering wheel if you hear it while driving. Or to give at least some indication that you’re enjoying the song.

Travis – “Selfish Jean”: Travis was one of my favorite bands growing up. They’re almost solely responsible for my love of Brit Rock. This is sort of an experimental track for Travis, as the drums on this song are actually audible to the human ear.

The Thermals – “Pillar of Salt”: With all due respect to The Killers and Interpol, this might be the best synth rock song ever.

Bright Eyes – “Four Winds”: Despite Conor Oberst’s pretension, melodramatic lyrics, and his over-the-top bravado, I still enjoy Bright Eyes. That’s because, in my opinion, they’re about as good as it gets musically. This song is no exception.

Bill Callahan – “Sycamore”: I’m really not sure why Mr. Callahan decided to drop his Smog alias, but this song is gorgeous nonetheless. Also, I really didn’t mean to rhyme in that last sentence.

Beirut – “Elephant Gun”: After a stellar debut, Beirut got themselves a full band. Their sound is a lot fuller now, and Zach Condon still has one of the top voices in music.

The National – “Start A War”: The National are generally too clever for their own good. Their lyrics are oftentimes a little too witty and subtle that they’re too easily dismissed**. This is not the case though for this song (or for most of their newest album). This song is just a beautiful, simply-stated love song.

Cloud Cult – “Chemicals Collide”: Outside of the fact that Cloud Cult sounds like something out of a Final Fantasy game, there’s nothing to dislike about this band or this song.

Coconut Records – “West Coast”: My near-homeless friend John Asdell recommended this song to me and I can’t thank him enough for that. Now, you’d assume John’s time would be better served in search of some sort of monetary income instead of recommending music to friends. Still, that’s neither here nor there.

Aqueduct – “Broken Records”: Aqueduct kinda sounds like a combination of Built to Spill and Mates of State. Except there’s no Doug Marsh, and unlike Mates of State, they’re actually good.

Dntel (Feat. Jenny Lewis) – “Roll On”: If I were blind and could only distinguish (read: judge) people based on their voice, I have no doubt that I would think Jenny Lewis was the most beautiful woman in the world. On voice alone, she’s the most desirable women in the US. The rest of the package is, um, not quite as good as her voice. Oh yeah, this song is OK too.

Snow Patrol – “Signal Fire”: No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop loving Snow Patrol. Even on songs like this, when they’re clearly mailing it in***. Still, I’m always a sucker for grandiose music accompanied by a near silent piano-driven bridge. Damn you, Gary Lightbody.

Until We Meet Again
* I actually don’t remember if Hoobastank even has a celebrity playlist. And if they did I certainly don’t remember what kind of music they listened to. I just like typing Hoobastank.
**However, it should be noted that this is one of the main reasons I love The National.
*** At least I hope they’re mailing it in, because otherwise they’ve really fallen off.

David Stern, I will Feel Your Blood On My Hands… TONIGHT!?!?!?

F*ck you David Stern. F*ck you for caring more about your league’s image then about the level of it’s play. F*ck you for being too cowardly to admit that always interpreting this rule by the letter of the law was incredibly foolish and a mistake. F*ck you for allowing other rules to be interpreted subjectively, but not allowing the same treatment for this rule. Also, f*ck you for being to much of a va-jay-jay to show up in Phoenix tonight to take your (verbal) beating like a man. F*ck the NBA for once again ruining a great playoff series and being too stubborn to admit fault. F*ck me for caring for too much about a game that I have no actual impact on. And finally, f*ck me again for not giving up on the NBA after this debacle.

So I was going to write a full blown, essay-length blog on this incident, but I didn’t have the time. You see when you do absolutely nothing all day, like I do, it’s hard to find the time to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. For instance, in order to have fully and satisfactorily written about the suspensions handed down in the Suns-Spurs series I would have had to make time to do so. And what, preytell, could I have cut out?

- The two hours after I woke up that I laid in bed and played my Ukulele? Not likely, seeing as how that relaxes and prepares me to face the day*.

- The hour I spent reading the paper and debating whether or not I should do the dishes I had left from last night? I couldn’t have cut this out, it was the busiest part of my day. I was multi tasking.

- The 15 minutes I walked my dogs and then decided that it was way too hot to be outside? Ok maybe this, but 15 minutes wouldn’t have been enough.

- The hour I spent simulating game on MVP Baseball 2005 in order to get to the playoffs? Not a chance. That sh*ts a priority these days.

- How about the hour and a half in which I went to lunch with my brother? Again, no. Blood is thicker then water.

By the time I got home from lunch PTI was on and I still had dishes to do. So really, I had no time to write. So instead I just decided to give you the extremely shortened version of what I would have written. I left out some really great stuff, like how this is a direct result of the media bias. Thanks to the media labeling basketball players as thugs when they fight, all the while claiming its part of the game anytime a players from any other sports fights. And because of this bias the NBA always overreacts anytime there’s even the slightest of skirmishes. I also was going talk about how dangerous a precedent Stern is setting by allowing the team that deliberately delivers cheap shots can benefit from doing so. I think I also left out some anti-Semitic remarks about Stern, which is probably a good thing.

I could have literally written at least ten pages about this, I was that angry. Especially after the “it’s not about fairness, it’s about correctness” line from Stu Jackson. Really, so you’d rather uphold a stupid rule then allow the players to decide a series? Or after David Stern came off like the most condescending prick ever on the Dan Patrick Show and tried to pass the blame onto the owners and the Suns coaching staff. But, as I’ve already mentioned, other things got in the way of me doing this. So all I really had time left to write was an expletive filled rant and a brief explanation of that rant.

What kills me the most about all of this, is that the people who are going to be the most pissed off by this, i.e. true basketball fans, are the ones who won’t do anything about it. I’m so infuriated that I want to boycott the NBA, but I love basketball too much to do that. If anything, Stern has made more casual fans interested in this game with this ruling. He knows that the people who are most pissed off and most affected by this will always be back. But my ruling this he guarantees his league more press and more casual viewers. So really it’s a smart business move, just an incredibly f*cked up and heartless one. I could go on, but in all likelihood I’d never stop. And I have to go do my dishes anyway.

Until We Meet Again
* And no, playing my ukulele is not a euphemism for masturbation.

A Night With Willie Nelson

So on my last night I in Denver I got a phone call that changed my life. It was from my new favorite person, Joe Hickle. Young Joseph informed me that he had second row tickets to the Willie Nelson concert that was taking place on my first night back in Tucson. He then asked if I would like to go with him, my older brother Luke and our pleasantly plump friend, William Mordka to the concert. Naturally I said yes as quickly as possible. What transpired was one of the best nights I’ve had in some time. Here’s a few highlights from my night with Willie Nelson.

- Willie was playing at one of the Indian casinos here in Tucson, I found this humorous for several reasons. One being that Willie Nelson, the consummate cowboy, was playing at a place which sole purpose is to drive in revenue for Indians. Kinda of ironic. Secondly, he wasn’t even playing at one of the better casinos in town, which also made me laugh. In other news, I have the mental make up of a 10 year old with a gambling problem.
- My brother and I decide we’ll know at least 50% of the songs Willie will play. He opens with “Whiskey River”, so far so good.
- While in lines for beverages, we quickly decide that Willie has far and away the ugliest fan group of any musician, ever. After racking our brains we can’t thing of a single other band or artist who could even come close to this groups, um, looks. I’m not trying to be mean, but the majority of Willie’s fans resembled retired carnies.
- Willie introduces us to the bands piano player, his sister Bobbi. Apparently Bobbi is famous for falling asleep during sets while Willie talks to the crowd. After her introduction Bobbi, who looks paler then an albino, whips the crowd into a frenzy with a saloon style piano solo. We have a serious conversation about whether or not Bobbi is a robot.
- 6 songs in and “Whiskey River” is the only song I’ve fully recognized. I think to myself that my musical historian chops aren’t nearly as good as I thought.
- Willie flips the script on us and plays 4 straight songs of Stardust, all of which I know and love. Thanks Willie.
- On my way to the bathroom I stop by the merchandise stand. I see a bandana I can’t live without. The only question now is whether I put it my arm or my head.*
- Through out the show, audience members keep wandering up to the stage and setting things down at Willie feet. Strangely, this all seems completely natural. Some people put pictures of Willie, which he’ll sign and give back to them. Other people just want to see him up close. Security never interferes with the people who approach Willie. One guy gives Willie his cowboy hat, which Willie immediately puts on. A few songs later, a woman who was at least 65, takes her bra off and then throws it on stage. Willie, being the kind gentlemen he is, then gives this lady the hat he was wearing. I was left speechless by this whole occurrence.
- The guy who gave Willie his hat, which Willie subsequently gave to the lady who gave him her bra, goes over to the lady who is now in possession of his hat. After some pleading the guy regains possession of his hat. Needless to say, all of us were very upset by this chain of events. After some discuss we decide that once you throw an object on stage you’ve lost possession rights to that object. Therefore, cowboy hat guy no longer had any claim to his hat once he chucked it on stage. This guy was a huge douche and should never have asked for his hat back, he broke ‘throwing things on stage etiquette’. This was probably the only down side of the concert.
- Willie takes us home with a series of country classics, the best being his rendition of “You Were Always on My Mind”. Just an amazing show. Willie has to be the most approachable musician I’ve ever seen. He truly appreciates his fans and still loves playing music. Either that or he’s just extremely permafried.
- Instead of leaving the stage after his set, Willie sticks around to shake hands with the fans who have rushed to the front of the stage. He’s also signing autographs the entire time. My brother and I rush up to the stage like 12 year olds girls at a Color Me Badd concert. Willie shakes my brother’s hands and gives it a squeeze for good measure. For some reason the hand I was lifting towards Willie was the one which was holding my beer. I’d like to say that it had something to do with the fact that I was running on four hours of sleep and had been traveling all day or that I was drunk, but neither of these excuses would be true. I just happen to be an absent minded person. Anyhow, my brain fart turned out to be a stroke of genius. After Willie shook my brother’s hand, he grabs the beer bottle out of mine. Willie looks at it for a second, takes a swig from it, signs it and then hands it back to me. Needless to say, this was probably the coolest thing to ever happen to me, at least at a concert.
- As we were leaving, I go into a bathroom stall and placed the signed bottle in my pants. I didn’t want to risk security not letting me out with the bottle. You just never know what kind of power tripping a-hole is working security at an Indian Casino. I then awkwardly walked to the car and placed the bottle in the trunk of our car. We then finished off the night with some blackjack. Good times, good times.

So to recap, seeing Willie Nelson live is awesome. Having Willie Nelson drink from and sign your beer bottle is even more awesome. I am awesome.

In closing, I think I’ll take a Charlie Murphy quote out of context, because it best sums up this while night. Take it away Charlie:

“I mean there’s some great storytellers in the world today, but who the hell could make up that sh*t?”

Not I Charlie, not I.

Until We Meet Again.
* Semi-obscure ‘Real Cancun’ reference.

Would You Rather...

So I was planning on writing a long ass post about the NBA Playoffs and how it parallels to the third (and current season) of Lost. Both desperately want you to believe that in the importance of their ensemble. For the league, they want you to believe that all the teams (or at the very least all of the playoff teams) are of equal importance. Lost wants the viewers to believe that all the characters are of equal importance. The problem with this is, Lost has gone out of its way this season to show us that really only 4-6 characters matter in the grand scheme of things. Likewise, the NBA season has shown that really only 3 teams matter (Dallas, San Antonio and Phoenix). That’s the real reason this season has been so terrible. Everyone with half a brain knows that one of those 3 teams is going to win it all, yet we’ve been force to watch a bunch of other teams that have no shot at winning the title this year. This is also why this season of Lost has blown (although they’ve started to pick it up the last few episodes). The show has already made it clear that only a few of the characters factor in to the big picture, yet they routinely make episodes about the characters who they’ve all but told us don’t matter.

Anyways, I decided not to write that because it would have taken to long. Also, any time I write about sports I get way too long winded and don’t know how to curtail myself. So I decided to do something completely different. Explanation below.

My boy Aaron and I haven’t kept in the best of touch since I moved out to Denver, which is unfortunate. Instead of keeping in touch via phone calls and letters like normal human beings, we decided to simulate the conversations we would be having if we still lived in the same town. We’ve also decided to share those conversations with you. In bold print you’ll find the “Would You Rather Questions” that Aaron asked me. If you check out his blog, you’ll find his answers to the questions that I asked him. I’m really not sure when he’ll finish answering my questions, but here’s the address: blog.myspace.com/thebrightside2

If you were sentenced to death, would you rather have your last meal be the greatest meal you ever ate and a conjugal visit from whomever you want … or no meal and no conjugality but you get a 10% chance you’ll be pardoned by the governor?

This is a loaded question. I feel like I’d have to go with the first option. Even if the low percentage chance that the Govern would pardon me happpened, how can I guarantee that the rest of my life would be better then the best meal of my life and a conjugal visit with anyone I wanted? As a man with a gambling problem, I’d bet the great meal and conjugal visit would treat me better then the rest of my life even if I did get the pardon. And if the odds hold true and I don’t get pardoned, then I’d wasted a great meal and great sex. Ok, maybe this question isn’t as loaded as I thought it was.

Would you rather have the ability to pass any test, this means you get the equivalent of an A on anything from a final to a PhD to a field sobriety test, however you don’t retain any knowledge of the subject… or you develop a photographic memory and the ability to read an entire book in a few hours and retain all that you’ve read but you inevitably fail any test you take?

Jebus, another loaded question. I think that how you answer this question says a lot about you. Would you rather have intelligence or achievement, that’s what it boils down to. I think I’d have to go with the photographic memory. At least that way I’d still be intelligent and the life of any cocktail party. Yeah, I’;m taking intelligence over achievement. I feel like that’s where I’m headed anyway, an intelligent person who will most likely achieve very little. Except replace intelligence with ‘was kinda smart that one time…’,

Would you rather be a starting pitcher for the Oakland A’s with an ERA of 1.46 and a 1.46 inch penis or a mid-relieving pitcher for the Kansas City Royals with an ERA of 9.53 and a 9.53 inch penis?

Well, I’d be living in Kansas City or Oakland. So as far as I can tell, I’m f*cked either way. I think gun to my head I’d rather be the pitcher in Oakland. At least then I’d be rich, or at least I would be once my contract with the A’s ran out. Then I’d have enough money for some sort of penial enlargement surgery or device (insert your own dated and unfunny Austin Powers ‘Swedish Maid Penis Pump’ joke here). That, and if I were playing in Oakland there’s the slight chance that I might get put into Billie Bean’s follow up to "Money Ball".

If you were up for adoption would you rather be adopted by Shaq or Johnny Depp?

Shaq. I have enough problems with the fairer sex as is, but if Johnny Depp was my adopted father I’d be an out and out train wreck. Even the most well meaning of girls would only want to hang out with me for a chance to meet my father, and I just couldn’t handle that. That and having a huge man crush on my father would just be awkward for everyone involved.

If you could travel to the future and take something thing back with you would you rather have a Playstation 5 (with two games) or the entire series of Veronica Mars in a box set (9 seasons)?

I’m going have to go with surprise option C here. I’d pull a Biff Tannen and bring back a Sports Almanac. Also, this is probably the only way I’d ever make money at a Vegas Sports book.

On a semi-unrelated note, I’d willingly forgo a time traveling trip if I knew that Veronica Mars would be on for 9 Seasons. I hate that I actually mean that.Would you rather have a horse tail or only one foot?

Horse tail, much easier to cover up. And unlike having one foot, I feel like I could still do most of the things I love with a horse tail. Although visiting water parks would become incredibly difficult.

Would you rather die in a fist fight with a bionic grizzly bear or in a naked tickle fight with Randy?

Is this a serious question? I’d much rather die fighting a Grizzly Bear. Even though it’d be far more painful, at least then I’d die with some of my dignity intact.
Until We Meet Again

30 Second Album Reviews

Now I know what you’re all thinking “Hey, Calvin hasn’t written a really long, over blown post about music I don’t care about or don’t listen to in awhile. What gives?”. Well don’t fear dear readers, because I’m about to talk about a sh*t ton of music that most people haven’t heard of or would never listen to. Get excited! So just sit back and relax, because this post is going be way to long!

Studies show that it takes the average person 30 seconds to read a 6 sentence paragraph*. In light of that information, I’ve decided to debut my newest gimmick: 30 Second Album Reviews.

As most of you should know, I listen to an inane amount of music. In an attempt to justify that, I’m going to be giving paragraph(s) reviews to some of the albums I’ve been listening to as of late. The Albums rating will be on a scale of 1 to 10. Here goes:

Andrew Bird – Armchair Apocrypha
I feel like I’ve already sufficiently proclaimed this album’s awesomeness. Suffice to say it’s for albums like this that I listen to music.
Rating: 9.9 (I’ll give myself some wiggle room here)

Modest Mouse – We Were Dead Before the Ship Sank
A lot of reviews criticized Modest Mouse for trying to write pop songs. I find this critique rather odd, because while this album is definitely the most poppy in their discography, all the songs distinctly sound like them. It’s not like they sold out and quite frankly this album is sufficiently better then 2004’s ‘‘Good News for People Who Love Bad News’’. So what I’m saying is, don’t believe the negative reviews, this album is very good. The highlight songs are: Missed the Boat**, Spitting Venom, Little Motel, Parting of the Sensory.
Rating: 7.7

Jill Cunniff – City Beach
Jill Cunniff was one of the founding members of Luscious Jackson, a band I never listened to and that 99% of you have never heard of. Now that we have that fun fact out of the way, let’s talk about Ms. Cunniff’s brilliant debut album. Sometime this summer mainstream critics are going catch wind of this album write reviews calling Cunniff ‘A mellower Frou Frou’ or ‘An indie Kylie Minogue’. These reviews will all be (mostly) wrong, because while there maybe some similarities between Cunniff and those artists, none of those comparisons do “City Beach” justice. What this album most reminds me of is a female version of ‘Odelay’. Now I’m not saying that “City Beach” should even be mentioned in the same breathe as Beck’s masterpiece, but that’s just what it sounds the most like. I guess what I’m trying to say is that this album is really good, and you should probably check it out.
Rating: 8.3

Arcade Fire – Neon Bible
I should start by saying that I think this album is better then ‘‘Funeral’’, the Fire’s debut album. That said, I like ‘‘Funeral’’ better. Now I realize those are contradictory statements, so please allow me to explain myself. ‘‘Neon Bible” is better, by a very slim margin, then ‘‘Funeral’’ in almost every way. However, what ‘‘Funeral’’ has over ‘‘Neon Bible’’ is/was its freshness. ‘‘Funeral’’ came completely out of nowhere. When I first heard ‘‘Funeral’’ I immediately loved it. And because it was so unexpected, I felt like I was in the honeymoon phase of a relationship every time I listened to it. There’s just no possible way that ‘‘Neon Bible’’, despite being better, can capture that great feeling that ‘‘Funeral’’ had/has. Either way though, ‘‘Neon Bible’’ is still an amazing album and will probably be one of the best albums I hear this year. Also, as previously documented in this space, (Antichrist Television Blues) is on the short list for song of the year.
Rating: 9.4

Wilco – Sky Blue Sky
Um, I’m still not entirely sure of what to do with this album. It’s really good; it’s just not at all what I expected. This album sounds more like classic southern rock then the indie rock you’d expect from Wilco. I suppose this is the logical extension for Wilco to take ever since Summerteeth. I mean, the logical extension of Alt. Country is Southern Rock right? Either way, this album sounds like the best Allman Brothers record ever, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Also, like all Wilco albums, this one’s a grower. Meaning I like this album more and more each time I listen to it. If I have any complaints at all about this record it’s that a lyricists as talented as Jeff Tweedy shouldn’t have this many long guitar solos in one of his albums. It’s still really, really good, it just wasn’t what I was expecting at all.
Rating: 8.5

Do Make Say Think – You, You’re A History in Rust
This is probably the best Post-Rock album I’ve ever heard. I’d describe it for you, but it would just be awkwardly written and probably incorrect. If I tried to describe Post-Rock all I’d do is name drop obscure bands and use way too many adjectives. So for your sake, I won’t even try. And since I have nothing else to add here I’ll use this space to point out that Paolo Nutini (google him if you don’t know who he is) looks just like Penelope Cruz.
Rating: 8.5

Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – Living with the Living
In the battle to see who can put out the most similar sounding albums, Ted Leo and company inch closer to Starflyer 59 with their 5th album. Now I don’t mean that last sentence to sound like an insult to either Ted Leo or SF59 (abbreviations are fun!). Both bands put out great music on every record and they both have their own distinct sound that they subtly expanded on with each release. I’ve always liked bands that know what they do well and stick with it. This has always been the case for Ted Leo and co. and this is another solid album for them. Also, ‘The Unwanted Things’, which might be the best song he’s ever written.
Rating: 7.3

Explosions in the Sky – All of a Sudden I Miss Everyone
For their 4th album Explosions changed things up, sort of. They’ve cut about 2-3 minutes off all of their songs, which should make their music more acceptable to the masses. Remarkably though, the band still holds on to the best and most powerful part of their music: the silence. I’ve never heard a band, post-rock or other wise, that utilities silence quite like these Texans. I’m not really sure if this is there best effort to date, but at the very least it’s 1B to “those who tell the truth…”. Again I’d like to explain more about this album, but for everyone’s sanity I won’t.
Rating: 8.2

Bloc Party – A Weekend in the City
This is my front runner for most disappointing album of the year. Whoever produced this thing deserves to be shot. On Bloc Party’s debut album, “Silent Alarm”, the drumming was extremely high in the mix and it sounded like some of the best drumming I’ve ever heard on an album. It made every song. Yet for some reason the drumming on this album have been shoved down into the middle of the mix, thus ruining the main thing that made Bloc Party so great. Fans of this record will argue that the song writing is better on this album, but who gives a sh*t? If I wanted to hear a presumably gay guy write moving Brit Rock songs I’d listen to Coldplay. Shame on whoever decided to lower the drums in the mix for this album and shame on Bloc Party for allowing it.
Rating: 5.0

The Shins – Wincing the Night Away
As you’ve probably heard by now, The Shins went electronic on their newest album. Sometimes it works out splendidly, like the first four songs, especially “Sleeping Lessons”. Sometimes it doesn’t work out as well, like on songs 5-10. However, the last song on the album rights the ship and the album ends on a high note. This album has some incredible highlights, but it’s the weakest record The Shins have ever put out. I guess a drop off should have been expected, seeing as how their first two albums were magnificent. Hopefully this will get rid of all the bandwagon, Garden State fans who find their lives the exact same after hearing this album.
Rating: 7.5

Until We Meet Again
* Stat possibly made up by the author because he thought ’30 Second Album Reviews’ sounded cool.
** The bands best song since 3rd Planet.

My Two Cents

Since I’m busy as h-e-double hockey stick this week, I don’t really have time to write out a full blog. However, I do have enough time to weigh in on some hot button issues in the world of sports while procrastinating on my homework. Here goes:

Disrespecting the Knicks:

You may have heard about the New York Knicks players getting upset at the Chicago Bulls for trying to run the score up on them. The Bulls claim they were merely trying to reach 100 points so that their fans could get a free Big Mac. The Knicks, however, felt it was very poor form and extremely disrespectful. This is the second time this year that the Knicks have cried about teams running up the score on them.

Really, if you suck so much that teams can run up the score on you, respect may not be the main issue you should be focusing on. Also keep in mind that the Knicks aren’t a high school girls team, and they’re actually getting paid millions of dollars to play the game of basketball. Personally, I can’t get enough of this story. Instead of actually doing something about their sh*tty play, the Knicks decide to complain to the media about someone else’s poor sportsmanship. I’m still not entirely convinced this isn’t a joke. If you’re still worried about sportsmanship when you’re making millions of dollars to play a game, then you’ve got some serious sensitivity issues. I feel like Charles Oakley needs to come in and teach these Knicks a lesson in not being a p*ssy.

Pacman Jones:

Tennesse Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones has been suspended for the entire NFL season. I don’t really have anything to add here except that this man needs his own reality TV show. They could call it “My Year-Long Vacation” or “The Off-Season” or “When You Make It Rain, It Pours.” Actually I don’t care what they call it, but Pacman has more than earned the right to have cameras on him 24/7. I mean, this guy couldn’t stay out of trouble when he was playing football, so what’s he going to do now that his life has absolutely no structure? All I know is that this can’t end well for Pacman (or the world). Also, how do you get a nickname like Pacman and what exactly does it mean?

Don Imus vs. Rutgers:

Just in case you’ve been avoiding TV for the past week or so, I’ll explain this situation. Radio host Don Imus called the Rutger’s women’s basketball team, “Some nappy-haired hos.” Since Don Imus is white, he’s not allowed to make this type of remark. I’m not saying this type of remark is ever OK, just that this wouldn’t even be a story if this had been said by someone of color*. Anyways, everyone is now falling over themselves to crucify Imus, who really isn’t worth the effort, being that he’s a psychotic and senile old curmudgeon, but that’s neither here nor there. I think this whole mess is summed up best by my co-worker, and amateur sociologist, Rick:

“Only a ho gets mad when you call her a ho.”

Too true.

Until We Meet Again

* Is it just me or does it seem more racist when you say color instead of black?

Commercial Review

Like the rest of America, I’ve been glued to the television for the past three weeks, soaking up the beauty that is March Madness.

(Side Note: This was probably the worst tournament in recent memory, just terrible all the way around. My heart was also broken for poor Greg Oden on Monday night. He was heads and shoulders above everyone else on the floor, and his teammates let him down in every way imaginable. If I were Oden, I would have walked off the floor with about 5 minutes left to protest my team’s collective sh*tting of the bed. Anyhow, enough with my rant; back to the blog.)

While most bloggers are now writing some sort of tournament wrap-up – praising the obnoxiously brilliant Gators and making unfunny jokes about how old Mr. Oden looks* – I’ve decided to go in another direction. Today I’ll be reviewing the most prominent commercials of the NCAA Tournament. Here goes:

Coke: Coca-Cola

The Commercial: An unassuming 30-something addresses the camera and says, “When I was younger and my grandpa was a coach, I didn’t share his love for the game. So he said, ‘Come be my ball-boy and I’ll buy you a Coke.’ So I did it. A few years later, I was playing in the Sweet 16 and I wasn’t sure if my grandpa could make it. So I called him up and said that if he came to the game, I’d buy him a Coke. He simply said, ‘I’ll be there.’”

Wow, that’s moving…

The Message: If your loved ones don’t care enough to come support you on one of the most important days of your life, try bribing them with a Coke.

Cingular: Cingular Wireless

The Commercial: In these ads, a wise crackin’ Asian spokesperson repeatedly belittles his white friend for not having Cingular as his wireless coverage. They’ve been running these ads for a few years now, and every time I see them a single question comes to my mind: “Why the hell is the white guy friends with that d-bag?” I mean, if any of my friends were ever seriously offended by my wireless network, they wouldn’t be my friend anymore. I realize the commercials point is to make the viewer aware of Cingular’s awesomeness, but are there actually people out there who feel that strongly about cell phone coverage? I mean, I only make fun of my friends for things like body weight, inability to get a “lady,” and their parents being separated.

The Message: Switch to Cingular, or else your friends will openly mock you about your wireless coverage. Also, Asians are much cooler than Caucasians.

Gatorade: Gatorade AM

The Commercial: Gatorade has a new product out called Gatorade AM. Apparently, it’s entirely different than regular Gatorade, because this is Gatorade you can drink in the morning. I mainly bring this commercial up because Kevin Garnett looks great in his milkman outfit, and Peyton Manning patting his ass is even better.

After seeing this ad I wondered if Gatorade would reimburse me for all the non-Gatorade AM’s I drank during the mornings of basketball and soccer two-a-days. Also, can you drink Gatorade AM after noon? And if so, is it still Gatorade AM or does it then become just Gatorade?

The Message: You can’t drink regular Gatorade in the morning anymore.

Smith & Barney: Financial Advisor

The Commercial: This is a series of commercials in with the camera pans in on people lost deep in thought. We then hear a voiceover of their internal dialogues. These people are thinking about some heavy-duty sh*t, and apparently this is the kind a thing you can talk to a Smith and Barney financial advisor about, because all the commercials end with a guy saying, “Throw out the notions of what you think you can talk to a financial advisor about. Smith and Barney.”

I’m not at the point in my life where I need to speak to a financial advisor, but I do have an idea of how to make these commercials better. Have a couple, both lost in thought. We see that the woman’s voiceover is all about this serious financial stuff. Then we pan to the guy, who’s just thinking about gross sexual things. Like the woman’s voice over would say: “I don’t know what we’re going to do when John retires,” or “What about the kids going to college?”

And then the man’s voiceover would be like: “I’d love to have sex with a black chick,” or “I wonder if Cheryl would want to have a threesome with my secretary.”

I feel like this commercial would be more accurate and would probably persuade me to go talk to a financial advisor at Smith and Barney.

The Message: You can talk to your financial advisor about anything. Including (presumably) sodomy.

Enterprise: Car Rental

The Commercial: They’ve been running these same ads since 1995, so you’ve probably seen them before.

The Message: It’s 2007, and Enterprise still picks you up in a gift-wrapped car.

Pontiac: Convertible Freedom

The Commercial: This ad campaign is fairly simple. They just have a bunch of people sit against a black screen spouting anti-convertible propaganda. I find it hard to fathom that anyone would actually be against convertibles. I find it even harder to believe that people would be more apt to buy a convertible based on these anti-convertible stances.

Honestly, none of this adds up. Apparently the masterminds behind Applebee’s Gilligan’s Island ads and McDonalds’s commercials from the last decade have been hired by Pontiac. I mean, honest to gawd, who the hell thinks these commercials are funny? Well, probably my boy Joe Hickle**

The Message: Apparently there are people in this world who are anti-convertible. Buy a convertible to show these people who’s the boss of your life. Or something.

Until We Meet Again

* While I don’t approve of unfunny jokes about how old Greg Oden looks, me and my friends who I was watching the game with decided that he was probably able to buy beer at age 12.
** While in Vegas, my older brother Max figured out that every time you see a commercial and wonder ‘Who would laugh at this?’ Joe Hickle is probably laughing at that commercial.

What Team Are You On?

Before I get to today’s post, there’s a few things that I feel need to be addressed.

1.) It looks like Former Tiger’s Pitcher Ugueth Urbina will now be a catcher:

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2815590

2.) After much debate and soul searching, I decided that I really don’t want to write about my Vegas trip, mainly because it would take too long. I may write it at a later date, but for now I’m too busy. My apologies to everyone who was looking forward to reading said report, which by my estimation was about 1.5 of you.

Anyhow, here’s a funny story that happened to me at work last night.

So the Afro-American cook, Rick, is the only other person working with me on the night of this incident. We’d been pretty slow all night, and by slow I mean I didn’t get my first table ‘til 7:45 PM. We close at nine, so I figured that nothing interesting was going to happen. Boy was I wrong! (Sometimes I like to pretend that I’m writing first person narrative for a 21st century version of The Boxcar Children. Sorry about that.)

So right after 8 PM, after being dead all night, I get 5 tables in the span of 5 minutes. Believe it or not, trying to wait on 5+ tables when you’re doing almost everything – taking orders, bussing tables, making drinks, running out all the food, etc. – is not the most enjoyable of experiences. It can actually be really stressful. But this isn’t a post of me b*tching and moaning about how hard my job is, mainly because it’s pretty easy. No, this is a post about something much different.

Once the rush hit, my night consisted of running around trying to keep a bunch of tables happy, all while trying to act like I had my sh*t somewhat together. In the midst of all this, I noticed that two guys who were dinning together – both of whom resembled theatre majors – keep starring at me. Naturally* I assumed this was because they needed something. So I went over to ask them what was going on and if they needed anything. To my surprise, they both said no and that everything was fine. It was at that moment that I started to become a little bit uncomfortable. I then went on to check up on a few more tables. While I was doing this I kept noticing in my peripheral vision that the two “theatre” guys were looking me up and down. I then spun around to look at them and they both gave me flirty smiles. Needless to say, this made me very uncomfortable, as these guys were blatantly checking me out. And no, dear readers, I’m not over-exaggerating. I haven’t been eye-f*cked that hard since my boy Jake stopped drinking**.

I then rushed back to the kitchen, probably looking like I’d just seen a ghost. Rick noticed something was up and asked me what was going on. I told him the story, which immediately made him laugh. We then had the following conversation about my traumatic experience:

Rick: Oh man! (giggling like a school girl). I’m not sure I would have told anyone that.

Me: Yeah, well.

Rick: YYYYeeeeaaaaaaah! Sexy C!

Me: (trying desperately to save face) Hey, if at least one team is scouting and recruiting you, it can’t be all bad, right?

Rick: Yeah, but that’s the team you don’t want scouting you at all. You don’t want to be nowhere on their radar.

Me: Not saying I disagree with you, but look at it this way: If you’re getting recruited by North Carolina, and even if North Carolina’s the only school you’d ever, ever go to, you’re still getting noticed if some school comes out of nowhere with crazy recruitment offers. Like say Murray State showed up and offered me a car, my mom a house, and my dad a job if I go play there. Even though North Carolina’s the only school I’d ever go to, and I wouldn’t even consider Murray State’s offer, I’m still going to appreciate the attention.

Rick: No, those are the recruiting letters you throw away, soon as you get’em. You got to treat them like bills, just toss’em out. I mean, you know that you going to North Carolina, so it doesn’t matter who else is recruiting you. That’s why you just throw those letters out, immediately. At least that’s what I’d do. I’d just be like “Creighton? Why the f*ck are they recruiting me?”

Me: Good point, good point. By the way, did I mention that the only school I’d ever go to is North Carolina?

So there you have it, a funny story for everyone!

(Disclaimer: I’m really not a homophobe, although this story may lead you to believe the exact opposite. This situation just caught me off guard and I thought that our conversation needed to be shared with you. Honest.)

Until We Meet Again
* Or ignorantly
** Back in Jake’s alcoholic days, he had some gender-confusion issues when drunk. For Reals. P.S. We’re all proud of you for your sobriety Jake. Also For Reals.

Prelude to Vegas

So last Thursday through Sunday I was in Vegas, toying with death. I’ve been trying all week to write about said trip, but it’s taken longer than I thought. The main reason for this is that there’s a sh*t ton of context that goes along with every semi-funny anecdote from the trip. That and I just started two new classes (thank God for community college and their 8 week classes), so free time is a little hard to come by these days. Anyhow, to tide everyone over for the week I’m going to relay a few stories that didn’t really fit into my main Vegas blog (or stories that I just forgot what day they happened). Anyhow here you are:

The Shampoo Theory:

I’m not sure who originally came up with this theory, but I heard it from my friend Dave.
It’s a pretty simple theory that can help to explain a lot of life’s queries. Here it is: Sometimes when you’re showering, you don’t get all the shampoo out of your hair. You go through the day without noticing, and it has no impact on anything you do. However, the next day when you’re in the shower, you get a good lather just by rubbing your hair. Without putting in any more shampoo, you get a good lather just from the leftover stuff in your hair. Well, the same applies to drinking. You can wake up from a night of drinking and feel fine, but once you’ve thrown a beer or two down at the Black Jack tables you realize: “Oh sh*t, there’s still a lot of booze left in my system. I’m kinda buzzed right now.” As any of you who’ve ever been to Vegas know, the shampoo theory comes to life far too often.

Clown Car Elevator:

I’m really not sure which night this happened, but it was one of my favorite random highlights of the weekend. One night after dinner, my older brother Max and I headed up to our room to get some cigarettes*. As we waited to board an elevator that had just reached the lobby, about ten guys in dress shirts came out. I made the never funny, but always necessary, “What is this, a clown car?” comment. Well, I jumped the gun with this comment in a big way. After I said it at least 15 more guys poured out of the elevator. This elevator couldn’t have been bigger then 10x5 ft. Yet somehow these 25-30 guys managed to squeeze inside of it. For some reason this happened to be the funniest thing I’d ever seen. I was completely sober and I couldn’t stop laughing. I literally giggled for about 3 straight minutes. I’m not sure why this was so funny, or why I’m even writing about it. I guess I just needed to fill space…

Joe Hickle Losing His Soul:

Joe is a very good friend of mine who wasn’t quite the MVP of the weekend, but was certainly the MIP (Most Important Player) of this trip. Joe was everywhere this weekend, which wasn’t necessarily a good thing for him. Things went downhill quickly for young Joseph when he blew $50 on roulette despite being up $125 at one point. That was Thursday afternoon. Joe followed that up just a few hours later with a tremendous showing at the Black Jack tables. Joe’s highlight moment had to be hitting on a 14 with the dealer showing a 6. Predictably, he busted and caused the whole table to lose. He also probably ruined the entire shoe**. Thanks again Joe, you owe me at least the hundred I lost at that table.

It should also be noted that before Joe hit, the entire table, as well as the dealer, was yelling at him to stay. Always fun when the dealer steps in to ridicule someone. Other things Joe did last weekend include:

a) Continually pointing out how buff Carrot Top was every time we saw one of his ads. We actually saw Carrot Top walking around the casino late one night. We were all frightened that Joe was going to try to make a move on him. Luckily for all parties involved, Joe froze up. All he could do was excitedly tell us how “ripped” Carrot Top was in person.

b) Stealing money from his friend Mike D (more on him next week). Mike D gave Joe $20 to place a bet for him. Joe, in all his glory, miscalculated his own bets and the took $5 out of the $20 Mike had given him to place his own bet. What a great friend.

While all of the above may lead you to believe otherwise, Joe saved his best for last. On Sunday morning, about two hours before we had to check out, Joe stumbled into our room. He was extremely drunk and hadn’t slept all night. Luckily for him, he passed out in about 30 seconds and was able to sleep for an hour and a half before we had to check out. Needless to say, Joe had a great Sunday and a dynamite weekend. I could probably write a whole lot more about Joe’s weekend, but I’m lazy and I think the man has had his dignity beat up enough in the last 8 days.

Well, that’s it for now. Before I go, please allow me to apologize to Joe for tossing him under the boss for the sake of my blog. I’m sorry Joe, but what happens in Vegas doesn’t always stay there… gawd I hate that slogan.

Until We Meet Again

* Don’t worry dear readers, I’ve quit for good. I’m currently on my 5th day and it’s been incredibly easy. Woot.
** The shoe is the device that a black jack dealer deals all the cards from.

Bracket Breakdown Part ii: East and South

So Monday I dissected the Midwest and West Brackets, today I’ll do the same with the East and South brackets. Let’s dive right in.

East:

16. Eastern Kentucky – I feel bad for EKU, I really do. If they were a 14 or 15 seed and got hot from behind the arc they’d have a legit chance to make a game of it with a higher seed. Yet they’re a 16 seed set to play UNC. They’re tallest player is 6-8 and they will get demolished by Tarheels’ frontline.

15. Belmont – Famous Belmont alums include Trish Yearwood, Brad Paisley and Lee Ann Womack. I feel like that fact alone should disqualify them from ever partaking in the NCAA tournament. But they’re in, mainly because they hit twelve 3’s in the first half of their conference championship game. If they shoot that well then they just might make a run at Georgetown.

14. Arkansas – The Razorbacks don’t deserve to be in the tournament, at all. I’m not even going to waste my time telling you why they should be headed to the NIT. But I do like their coach Stan Heath, he’s a got a very spherical head.

13. Vanderbilt – So apparently all you need to do is beat Florida to get a decent seed in the tournament. I’m sorry but Vanderbilt is not very good, as evidenced by their 1-4 mark on the road in the SEC. And while I know it was early in the year they also lost to Furman (15-16), at home. While Vanderbilt should be included in the tournament it’s hard to argue with their extremely weak schedule and low rpi that they deserved better then a double-digit seed. I penciled Vanderbilt in for a first round exit before I knew absolutely anything about their opponent, George Washington. After doing some research on GW I feel extremely good about their chances to send the Vandals packing(more on this in a few paragraphs).

12. New Mexico State – I think the Aggies would have been a great upset pick if they weren’t facing Kevin Durant in the first round. However the future is bright for NMSU as long as they can keep Reggie Theus around. Theus has gotten this eclectic group, which consists of 7 D-I transfers to play together. I think he’s going to be an excellent coach in the near future.

11. Marquette – As much as I like Peter Parker look-alike Tom Crean and Dominic James, the Golden Eagles have been flat-lining for the past few months. Wins against an overrated Pitt squad have helped to hide that fact from the general public. Unless James finds his shot Marquette is headed for their second first round exit in as many years.

10. Boston College – In what should be a great first round game, the 7-10 match up in the East should come down to coaching. And who do you want to side with, Bob Knight or Al Skiner? Yeah I’m going with Knight too.

9. Oral Roberts – A lot of people think ORU has a legitimate shot at upsetting Washington State in the first round. Those same people have either not see Washington State play this year or subscribe to the idea that you have to have great athletes to have a great team. Oh well, enough about Wazzu. Let’s get back to the awkwardly named Oral Roberts. Yes I realize they’re named after an semi-famous evangelistic, who by all accounts was a shady mofo. All I’m saying if your first name is Oral you shouldn’t have anything named after you. Period.

8. Michigan State – The Spartans tourney fates is one of the hardest for me to decipher. Tom Izzo is an excellent coach and has proved time and again that he’s one of the best tourney coaches in the business. However his team, not unlike the Big 10, is terrible. Anyways I think Izzo gets past Marquette in the first round before losing to UNC by about 30.

7. George Washington – Let’s see the rap sheet on the Colonials is that they like to play at an extremely fast pace and they struggle mightily when they have to play at a slow pace. If GW upsets Vanderbilt like I think they will their second round match up will be against Washington State. Wazzu is a team that slows the pace down, rarely turns the ball over and makes you work for 25-30 seconds on both ends of the floor. Needless to say I don’t see thinks ending well for the Colonials (against Wazzu that is).

6. Texas Tech – Keep two things in mind when reading my critique of the Red Radiers: 1.) I absolutely love Bobby Knight and 2.) Jarrius Jackson is one of my favorite players in college basketball. I think Tech should beat Boston College and then give Georgetown all it can handle in one of the best second round games. Tech has proven it can beat top flight teams this year, with wins over Kansas and Texas A&M (2). They also proven they can play down to anyone’s level, as show by puzzling losses to Nebraska, Oklahoma and Baylor. I think the Red Raiders are a legit sleeper team that almost no one is talking about. Anyhow I have them losing to Georgetown in a game that should go down to the wire.

5. USC – As an Arizona fan I’m hoping the Trojans go on a deep tourney run so Nick Young and Gabe Pruitt go to the NBA as oppose to coming back next year and teaming up with OJ Mayo. However I don’t think ‘SC has a single player capable of slowing down Kevin Durant. However Tim Floyd will coach circles around Rick Barnes so the game should be close.

4. Georgetown – I’ll admit something, I like Georgetown. I enjoy watching them play. They’re an extremely well coached team who plays hard every night. That said, I’m not buying them as a 2 seed at all. Going 13-3 in the Big East is impressive, but not this year. They lost to the two best teams in their non-conference schedule (Oregon and Duke) and didn’t really hit their stride until they started playing in the Big East. And even in the Big East they have suspect loses to Villanova and Syracuse (by 14). And while I like their team, their coach and love shots of Patrick Ewing in the stands, I don’t think they’ll get by Wazzu. However their game against Wazzu should be great and cause any non-basketball fan to claw their eyes out. Both teams play a very deliberate style of basketball that can be painful for just about anyone to watch. First one to 45 wins the Wazzu/G-town game.

3. Kevin Durant – Every one with a pulse knows that Kevin Durant is the best player in college basketball. Most people who have watched Texas play this year also know that his teammates are young, don’t have the highest basketball IQ and that his coach is pretty much incompetent. A lot of people are assuming that Durant is too good not to get his team to the Final Four. I disagree with this logic. While Durant is absolutely unbelievable, I don’t like the North Carolina draw for them. I think the Tarheels are just too deep and too talent for Durant and Co. And before I go on to the next team I’d like to talk about Texas’s shooting guard AJ Abrhams. This guy is something else, you absolutely have to watch him in the next couple weeks. He has absolutely no conscience. He’s like the guy you play pick up with who shoots every time he touches it and annoys the hell out of everyone on his team. You hate it when you have to play with him and it nearly kills you every time you have to pass him the ball. However he always has that one game in which he can’t miss, hits 6-7 threes and propels your team to victory. Well I think the only way Texas beats UNC is if Abrahams has one of those games. Personally the only think I’d like more then Arizona making a deep tournament run is for Durant to make it to the Final Four and face off against Greg Oden. I just don’t think it will happen, for either of them.

2. Washington State – Maybe I just have a bias towards the Pac-10, but I think Wazzu is going to surprise a sh*t ton of people this March. They’re a great team that forces you to play at their pace and they rarely beat themselves. The teams that gave Wazzu trouble this year are teams that are supremely athletic* or teams that play extremely smart. Luckily for Wazzu they don’t face any of those type of teams until the Sweet 16. I like the Cougars more then Georgetown because I think there resume is better and that the Big East isn’t that good(read: I’ve seen Washington State more then I’ve seen Georgetown). Anyways, I think UNC is a terrible match up for the Cougars and will end their season on a sour note.

1. North Carolina – I’m not sold on this North Carolina team at all. However with every one picking Texas as there ‘sleeper’ Final Four team, and me not trusting the majority, I feel that Tarheels have the best chance in this bracket. I like Washington State as a sleeper pick, but I fee like picking them would just be me being an uber Pac-10 homer. I think the winner of the UNC-Kevin Durant game is going to the Final Four. And I trust Roy Williams over Rick Barnes, that and UNC is much deeper and more talented then Durant’s team. Maybe I’m just being selfish. I desperately want UNC to make a deep tourney run because I want to see shots of Tyler Hansbrough in his face mask for as long as possible. Now that dear readers is high comedy.

South:

16. Central Connecticut State – CCSU is the only team from Connecticut in this year’s tournament. They’re also the only team with the Blue Devils nickname that it’s acceptable to root for. Sadly though, the Blue Devils’ first game will be put out of reach 15 minutes after it starts.

15. North Texas – While the Eagles are facing the worst 2 seed (maybe ever) in Memphis, they don’t have enough talent to beat the Tigers. On the upside though North Texas is making their first tournament appearance since 1988. So there’s that.

14. Albany – A lot of people feel that Albany is a closer to a 16 seed then a 13. I have no opinion on the Great Danes, aside from the fact that their nickname sucks. Anyhow I think they’ll lose to Virginia in the first round.

13. Penn. – From everything I’ve heard and read, the Quakers are actually a really good team and should be a tough out for anyone. Unfortunately for Penn they’re playing Texas A&M, who just so happens to be one of best teams in the country.

12. Xavier – I don’t have an opinion on the Xavier, so instead I’d like to use this space to point out the American Idol’s Melinda Doolittle looks almost identical to Shrek.

11. Long Beach State – Neither the 49ers or their first round opponent Tennesse has a lot of size. Because of this people assume it will be a close game and LBSU has a great shot at an upset. People who think this have apparently failed to notice that the 49ers play absolutely no defense. They give up 73 points a game. I think there’s a pretty good chance that Chris Lofton may get 50 in this game.

10. Louisville – Louisville is about a year away from making a serious run at the Final Four, assuming all their young players stay in school. However this year they aren’t very good and I’m allowing my Pac-10 bias to decide their match up with Stanford.

9. Nevada – Nevada is my choice for this years team that whines about how they should have been a higher seed so much that they fail to show up for their first game. That and I think Creighton’s a better team then them. This is another first round match up in which it appears the committee didn’t want mid-majors to upset BCS schools.

8. BYU – The Cougars aren’t known for their defense, especially their interior defense. They have a second round date with Greg Oden. This probably won’t end well for the Mormons.

7. Memphis – DJ Gallo made a great point in ESPN’s A.M Jump on Monday suggesting that the term “Paper Tiger” be replaced with “Memphis Tiger”. Yes Memphis owns a 22 game winning streak and yes they ran through Conference USA, but my rec league team would have finished no worse then third in Conference USA. Memphis’ athleticism should be enough to get them by North Texas, but I think they’ll fall to Creighton in round two.

6. Virginia – While the Cavaliers boast one of the best backcourts in America, they’re not a very good team. If they were playing a better team then Albany in the first round I’d pick them to bow out even earlier. Virginia lost 3 of their last 5, all to non-tourney teams. If you can’t stop players on Miami, Wake Forest and NC State then you’re not stopping Chris Lofton.

5. Stanford – Most tournament previews talk about Stanford’s mascot in their did you know section. This is all well in good considering that everyone always wonders how a Cardinal can be a tree (it’s actually the color Cardinal). However I believe a more interesting tidbit would be that Stanford’s head coach, Trent Johnson, bares a strong resemblance to Satan. Seriously the guy scares the bejesus out of me. Do keep small children away from the television during ‘Furds first round upset and second d round exit against Texas A&M.

4. Tennessee – In case you haven’t noticed yet, I’ve got a man crush on Chris Lofton. I think he’s clearly one of the top 5 scorers in college basketball. Looking at his pod I think Lofton alone can get Tennessee to the Sweet 16. Also I want as many Bruce Pearl interviews as possible, so I’m pulling for the Vols.

3. Creighton – It’s always a good idea to have one MVC team in the Sweet 16, because one makes it almost every year. Anyhow I like this Creighton team and I think they got one of the better draws of the tournament. Creighton’s a better team then Nevada and they’re pressure defense should give Memphis fits. I don’t think Creighton has what it takes to get by Texas A&M though. Run should end at the Sweet 16, unless Kyle Korver still has some eligibility left with his alma mater.

2. THE Ohio State University – Greg Oden and Company should cruise to the Elite 8 and own paper the Buckeyes appear to be the best team in this bracket. There’s really only one thing standing in their way from a Final Four: Acie Law IV. I think OSU should win their first three games before falling in a classic to the Aggies. I really don’t have much more to add about the Buckeyes, except for that I hope Mike Conelly stays in school another year, because he’s going to be something special if he does.

1. Texas A&M – As little as a month ago I wasn’t entirerly sold on the Aggies, then I some them lose to Texas. In that game Acie Law IV hit every big shot imaginable. This guy is f*cking nails. He’s truly amazing. With the game on the line there’s no one, not even Christ’s son Kevin Durant, you’d rather have taking the final shot. I really believe that Law will carry TAMU to the Final Four, after that things get a little shaky. Well I’m starting to get carpal tunnel, so let’s just get to my Final Four picks.

Final Four: Florida over UCLA, UNC over Texas A&M.

Final Game: Florida over UNC.

Until We Meet Again
* Right now every Arizona fan is saying “Hey we’re athletic and they swept us!”. Actually U of A isn’t that athletic, tough as that is to swallow. Jordan Hill and Chase Budinger are both superb athletes, but every other player that plays is an average athlete at best. This is another reason why this is one of the worst U of A teams of the Lute Era.

The Bracket Breakdown: Midwest and West

So for the past two NCAA Tournaments I’ve broken out my March Madness Manifesto, which was unoriginal, unfunny and took way to much time to write. So this year I’m just going to breakdown each bracket individually. I’ll be ranking the teams in each bracket from 16-1, with 16 being the worst and 1 being the team I expect to advance to the Final Four. Simple enough, right? Well today I’ll break down the Midwest and West Region, tomorrow I’ll breakdown the East and South brackets. Before I get to dissecting the brackets here are a couple of questions and observations I’ve made while staring at my bracket for the past four hours:

- I’m not upset about Arizona’s seed or draw, but if Butler’s a 5 seed and Duke and Vanderbilt are 6 seeds then my beloved Wildcats are a 7 at the very f*cking worst. Then again when you’ve sh*t the bed for the past three months the way the Wildcats have, you really have no one to blame but yourself.
- Texas A&M and UCLA both got the elite 8 handed to them on a silver platter. Neither team has a tough match up until the elite 8. And if the top seeds out of their respected brackets don’t make it that far then neither team will have a rough game until the Final Four. Another bang up job by the selection committee.
- On paper the best match up of the tournament looks to be Kevin Durant vs. UNC in the Sweet 16. Should be similar to last years Washington-UConn game, best player (Brandon Roy) in the tournament going against the best team in the tournament. Yep looks pretty similar to me and it probably will be, right down to the screw job by the refs. I’m just not sure which team the refs will be pulling for.
- How the hell did Arkansas make it in to the tourney? I have a theory that when the committee gets down to the last few at-large bids they just close their eyes and throw a dart at a board that has numerous bubble teams on it and whichever team the dart lands on gets a bid. That’s really the only plausible explanation for the Razorbacks inclusion into the field of 65.

Midwest:

16. Jackson State – Despite having the nation’s second leading scorer, Trey Johnson, the Tiger’s don’t stand a chance against Florida. JSU also shoots 31% from beyond the arc, which isn’t all that surprising considering they’re Lindsey Hunter’s alma mater.

15. Texas A&M Corpus Christi – I have a special place in my heart for this team, because my mother was born in Corpus Christi. Yet the other Texas A&M doesn’t stand a chance against Wisconsin. Interesting fact that the announcers will repeatedly tell the poor souls stuck watching this game: Texas A&M C.C. didn’t even have a basketball team 8 years ago. And believe me when I say that fact is completely relevant when discussing their current team.

14. Miami (OH) – Now I know what you’re thinking, “Hey you’re just ranking the teams by their seed.” Well, thus far you have as legit point, but that’ll change soon, I promise. Anyhow, you think a kid getting recruited by Miami (OH) ever covers up the Ohio on the letter and psyches himself out, thinking “No way, Miami* is recruiting me!”. These are the things I wonder. That and whether or not coaches still send letters to recruits.

13. Purdue – Let’s look at Purdue’s credentials: The Boilermakers (side note, wtf is a Boilermaker) are 16-1 at home and 6-10 everywhere else. They have a plethora of embarrassing road losses include at Iowa. That’s the same Iowa which is a team that ASU beat soundly. ASU, owners of 9 wins this year. I think it’s safe to say that Purdue doesn’t belong in the tournament and that even this clusterf*ck of a U of A team should hand them their asses.

12. Butler – As previously noted, Bulter has absolutely no right to be a 5 seed. As far as I can tell there are only two logical explanations for their seeding: Either the committee penciled them in as a five in December and was to lazy to change it or the committee knows that a 12 seed always upsets a 5 so they decided to give everyone a gimmie. That said, AJ Graves is one of my favorite colligate players (more on this tomorrow)

11. Davidson – I really wanted to have Davidson be my upset special and have them face 12 seeded Old Dominion in the second round, but then I realized something: I’m pretty sure I pick a 13-12 seed second round match up every year and I feel equally as certain that said match up has never materialized. Therefore I decided to pick Maryland over Davidson, although it should be a great game.

10. Notre Dame – ND looked really good in the first few months of the season, but they haven’t done anything of note since December. In ’07 the Irish have just beaten most of the teams they should have (with the exceptions of St’ Johns and South Florida) and lost to the teams they should have. Apparently the committee didn’t realize that this team is extremely mediocre. Oh well, maybe well get shots of Brady Quinn in the stands during their first round exit.

9. Georgia Tech – The Yellow Jackets are a chic Sweet 16 pick. All they have to do is beat UNLV and a Wisconsin team that is obviously one of the weaker high rated teams. Well I never like to go with popular upset picks and I think GT is too young to make any real noise this year.

8. UNLV – Proof that the committee only uses tools like RPI only when it suits them. The Runnin’ Rebels have a Top 10 RPI and won their conference tournament, but still ended up with this crappy seed. I know the committee says they don’t weigh the conference tournament that heavily but I think Oregon, Arkansas, Kansas, UCLA and countless others would beg to differ. The committee only uses the conference tournament and RPI when it suits them. UNLV got screwed out of a high seed and we the viewing and gambling public got screwed out of UNLV being a high seed, because they would have been an easy upset pick. Anyways, they’ll squeak by in round one before losing to the depleted Badgers.

7. Maryland – I’m sorry to break this to you, but the ACC is vastly overrated this year. I know that appears to be blasphemy, but it’s true. I’m too lazy to look up facts to back up my point, so you’re just going to have to trust me on this one.

6. Arizona – The U of A should roll over a Purdue team that has no right to be in the tourney. So what will it take for the U of A to beat Florida(or more accurately give Florida a decent game)? Well for starters Mustafa Shakur will have to play like he did for the first few months of the season, Jawaan McClean’s knee will have to miraculously heal up and he’ll have to have an outstanding shooting night. Jordan Hill will have to play the game of his young life and Ivan Radenovic will have to remember to show up. That and Marcus Williams needs to shoot well, play great d and not turn the ball over every other time he touches it. That and it would help if someone leaked a tape of Billy Donavan saying that he prefers intercourse with Al Horford as oppose to Joakim Noah, because Noah always wants to cuddle afterwards. So yeah that’s pretty much no chance at all. But my Arizona brethren, don’t let this Wildcat team ruin the best three weeks of sports for you, they’re really not worth it.

5. Winthrop – I really like this Winthrop team, but something about them makes me uneasy. It’s probably the fact that everyone is saying that they’re this years George Mason. If that means their head coach acts just like a sitcom dad in interviews then I’m onboard. However I don’t think they’ll get past Oregon.

4. Old Dominion – This is a mid-major that’s the quintessential upset team. They start 5 upper classmen, hit 3’s at a reasonable percentage, they’re top scorer is a power forward who’s at his best when facing the basket, they’re athletic enough to defend and they can hit the boards. Pretty much every ingredient needed to pull of an upset or two they have. Unfortunately their run will end with a 20+ point loss to Florida.

3. Wisconsin – I thought Wisconsin was overrated all year and they’ve played awful since they lost Brian Butch to that horrific looking elbow injury. That said I don’t trust any of the teams in their pod to knock them off before the Sweet 16. Oregon, however, will send them home.

2. Oregon – Almost no team relies on one player as heavily as the Ducks rely on Aaron Brooks. When Brooks is at the top of his game, slashing, hitting 3’s from 5 feet behind the arc and creating shots for his teammates the Ducks can play with anyone. When Brooks is slumping, as he did midway through the Pac-10 season, Oregon can lose to anyone. I think Brooks is going to have a great tourney, until he has to be guarded by Cory Brewer. At that point he and his team will loose, badly.

1. Florida – There’s only two ways to beat the Gators this year: 1.) If their too hung over to play hard. And 2.) If there coach tells a reporter that the team’s leader (Noah) is going to be a bust in the NBA and that Al Horford will be a much better pro and then that reporter unknowingly tells the nation this, thus causing a huge rift in the team. The only way the Gators don’t repeat as Champs this April is if they get clipped by someone in the first couple rounds when they’re not paying attention, which I really don’t think will happen.

West:
16. Florida A&M/Niagara – I feel really bad for the teams that are forced to play in the play-in game. It’s just unfair. It’s like having two small animals fight each other to the death before throwing them in a room with a blood thirsty lion who has eaten in a week. 16 seeds have little to no chance at beating a 1 seed anyway, but that chance becomes onsolete if they have to play a game 2-3 days earlier. I think they should do away with the play-in game and just let both teams play a half each against Kansas or whichever number 1 seed. Or Florida A&M and Niagara could combine their teams roster to create a “Super Sweet 16” seed. Now that’s a 16-1 match up that I’d like to watch.

15. Weber State – Weber almost blew a 20 point lead to NAU in the Big Sky Conference Finals. They’ve learned from their mistake and won’t let a big lead slip away again. Unfortunately Weber probably won’t lead at all against UCLA.

14. Illinois – Sweet Jebus did the Selection Committee overrate the Big 10. This is another team that shouldn’t be in the tourney, seeing as how they’re best wins are against Bradley, Michigan State and IUPUI. Seriously though, if your best wins are against other bubble teams and the best team you beat in your out of conference schedule was Missouri do you really belong in the tournament? Um, no.

13. Holy Cross – There’s a conspiracy theory going around that says the Selection Committee pitted mid-major’s against each other to protect power conference teams from embarrassing upsets. Holy Cross facing off against Southern Illinois is one of the strongest arguments for that theory. The Crusaders are a very scary 13 seed, but I like SIU to beat them in one of the best first round games.

12. Kentucky – Unless the Wildcats make it to the sweet 16 it looks like the Tubby Smith Era is done in Lexington. This team is very good defensively and mediocre at best offensively. In other words, they’re a typical Tubby Smith team. There game with Villanova is basically a toss up, but I’ll give Nova the edge because I’m mildly infatuated by their Freshman point guard Scottie Reynolds.

11. Indiana – With Eric Gordon arriving on campus next year this should be the lowest seed the Hoosiers get for a few years. But that’s next year and the Big 10 was/is awful this year, so I think the ‘Zags will knock them out in round one.

10. Duke – The Blue Devils got an undeserving seed and a great draw for a 6 seed. I’m just hoping that the Basketball Gods are just and send Coach K and his AMEX card packing in round one.

9. Pittsburg – The Panthers scored 17 points in the first half of the Big East Championship game. Seventeen points. In 20 minutes. For those of you scoring at home, that’s absolutely f*cking terrible. During the Ben Howland/Jamie Dixion Era Pitt has been the Oakland A’s of College basketball. They’re great in the regular season and completely worthless in the post-season. While Pitt plays great D, they’d struggle to score against a wheelchair basketball team. They may get by Wright State, but I’d bet my life they won’t be playing in the tournament’s second weekend.

8. Villanova – As I mentioned before I have a decent sized man crush on Scottie Reynolds. He’s one of the most underrated Freshman in the country. I think he’ll be an absolute beast next year and a fringe All-American for the rest of his colligate career. Still though, Nova will probably see their season end at the hands of Kansas. But personally I’ll be rooting for Curtis Sumpter, who deserves a deep tourney run after missing out on last years run due to injuries.

7. Wright State – Most people think Aaron Gray and Pitt’s frontline will dominate the Raiders undersize front line, I’m not buying it. Pitt may blow up and score 30 points in a half, but DaShaun Woods will be the best player on the court during that game so I’ll side with him. However Woods supporting cast isn’t good enough to get him to the tourney’s second weekend.

6. Gonzaga – The ‘Zags have never cared much for defensive, but this team is absolutely preposterous on that end of the floor. Still though Derick Ravio, despite looking like a 5’10 penis, won’t let his team lose in the 1st round. However they’ll get killed by UCLA in the round two in a very boring rematch of one of last year’s best tournament games.

5. Virginia Tech – Sticking with the ACC is overrated theme, I expect the Hookies to bow out in round two. This team isn’t very strong when they’re forced them to play in the half court, which SIU will force them to do. While Zabian Dowdell is a great player, SIU has a defense that can contain him and I don’t trust anyone on of his supporting cast to carry this team when Dowdell has an off night.

4. Virginia Commonwealth – Let’s see VCU is a pressing/trapping team, Greg Paulus is Duke’s point guard. This can’t end well for the Blue Devils. What’s the over/under for turnovers Paulus and McRoberts have this game? 30? Eric Maynor is one of the country’s best point guards; his teams only real weakness is interior defense. While DaShaun Woods and co. should give the Rams all they can handle, they won’t face a team that can expose their interior d until the Sweet 16. However turnovers are few and far between for UCLA’s back court of Darren Collison and Aaron Afflalo, so VCU should be done in then.

3. Southern Illinois – For my money the Salukis are the strongest 4 seed this side of Kevin Durant. They’re also better then a couple of the 2-3 seeds in other brackets. Unfortunately they’re going up against a Kansas team that is, in my opinion, a very poor match up for them. Kansas should dominate the Salukis undersized frontline. However, Bill Self is Kansas’s coach (more on this below), so I guess the Salukis (that’s a fun word to type and say) have a shot.

2. Kansas – As you’ve probably figured out or heard by now, Kansas is the deepest and most talented team in college basketball. They’re seemingly the logical pick to win it all, but they’ve got two factors working against them. 1.) They’re very young. They go 9-10 deep and only three of those players are upperclassmen and they’re all role players. And 2.) Bill Self is their coach. Now I know this seems a little harsh, but Self has yet to prove himself as a tourney coach. He’s actually yet to prove he can develop his great recruits, but that’s a story for another day. I for one will never understand how Self let a team with Wayne Simien, Aaron Miles and Keith Langford as Seniors bow out in the first round. I don’t care if they weren’t his “guys”, that shouldn’t happen. Also last years team, even when you factor in their youth, looked woeful in their first round exit. Either way the Jayhawks have enough talent to get to at least the Elite 8 despite their coach. Still I don’t think it matters who their coach is. They’re not beating UCLA in a glorified home game for the Bruins in the round of 8.

1. UCLA – If you compare the Bruins from this year and last year it’s hard to fathom that they’re actually better this year, regardless of what they do in the tournament. They lost three starters and Luc Richard Mhadadsajkdhaskjdhsak, um the guy who’s a prince and has a weird African last name, has greatly regressed in his sophomore season. So how are the Bruins better this year? Well it all boils down to the best back court in the nation, Darren Collison and Aaron Afflalo. Collison is simply the best point guard in the NCAA’s, unless you consider Acie Law a point guard. He seamlessly creates shots for all his teammates, knows just when to get them the ball and never puts his teammates in a bad situation. As for Afflalo, well he’s more then earned his PAC-10 POY honors. He’s one of the best defenders in the nation and has taken and hit every big shot the Bruins have needed him to (with the exception of the last two games). Lead by their back court the Bruins play some of the nation’s best defense, have a slew of role players who can all produce when called upon and all their games will be in the state of California. Needless to same I feel safest picking them to go to the Final Four.

Well that’s it for today. Check back Wednesday or early Thursday Morning for the East and South breakdown.

Until We Meet Again
* Or for those of you in the known, The U.