Make a Narrative About Falling in Love in Pittsburg the Summer After You Graduate College and Everyone Will Love It

This past Sunday night I saw Adventureland(this post may act as a pseudo-spoiler, you’ve been warned). The movie was relatively enjoyable (especially the fact that the discoteque the characters go to called Razzmatazz had a marquee that read: “A Sophisticated Meeting Place”. For some reason this absolutely killed me) and I left the theatre thinking the film was ok but nothing special. I also felt like the movie should have been better, but I often feel that with these types of films. And by these types of films I mean the slow moving, indie, coming-of-age-and-falling-in-love flicks that allow their soundtracks to do the heavy lifting for the plot and characters (See: Juno, Garden State, Igby Goes Down, etc.*)

When I got home I couldn’t sleep so I started reading some reviews of the film. I always read reviews in hindsight, whether it’s a music, book, film or any other sort of review. Before I see, read or listen to something all I need is a nice, concise rating to let me judge whether or not it might be worth my time. Reviews should always be read after the fact, I feel pretty strongly about this. Anyways, as I read multiple reviews, everyone seemed to really like this movie. This didn’t surprise, but the reasons everyone really liked it did. Countless reviews I read from several credible writers talked about how the film was extraordinarily ‘deep’ for a teen comedy, and how great it was that even the side characters all had their own heartache and trauma outside the main storyline. Now I’m not a film critic, but it seems that the nation’s critics unanimously decided that this film was layered with subtext that quite frankly didn’t exist.

I think the main reason for the critical praise this film is receiving is because the vast majority of American film critics graduated from or were in college around the time this film was made. Or at the very least they remember this time period enough to properly empathize with the characters. The characters in this film are the types of people that film critics want to be, i.e. hip kids who live their lives with a sort of confined wreckless abandon, smoke lots of pot and listen to Lou Reed and the Replacements. And in fairness, this type of carefree lifestyle, at least ideologically, does sound pretty great. So there’s that, but this film is also cleverly shallow.

Just about every review I read went out of its way to mention the complexity of the supporting characters and how they all had their own little story. On the surface, this is true. In most teen comedies the characters are just archetypes with no real depth. In Adeventureland these characters are still archetypes, but they also have effed up home lives! Literally every character in this film, including the main protagonists, have some sort of travesty going on in their family lives. However, none of this personal drama is ever really expounded upon, it’s just casually mentioned or hinted at, even in the main characters case. So really all these supposed subplots are little more than a cheap way to give your characters some perceived depth. When looked at analytically, this film is little more than some shallow, self-serving nostalgia for its writer/director Greg Mottola (also known as the guy who directed Superbad). And yet, just about every critic failed to see that, which in my mind, seems kind of obvious. I think this actually the first film I’ve ever seen that I actually liked less after I saw it because of the positive reviews I l read about it post-viewing.

In some ways, this film reminded me of Michael Chabon’s first novel The Mysteries of Pittsburgh. Now this novel is different from Adventureland, but they have several similarities. Both are set in Pittsburgh and follow the misadventures of a male hero in his first summer after graduating college in which he does nothing but party, fall in love and learn a little bit about himself along the way. Like Adventureland, I thought this book was marginally ok, yet it also received tons of critical acclaim. Perhaps American critics just have a soft spot for narratives that take place in Pennsylvania steel towns. Or maybe they’re just suckers for decently written coming of age stories. And maybe I’m just bitter because I’ve clearly never experienced this type of summer. Who really knows?

Until We Meet Again
* I’ve seen and enjoyed all the movies I just mentioned. F*ck

On the Radio

My oldest brother recently moved to Washington D.C. and I inherited what was left of his car. Not that I really care, mainly since I got the car for free, but this thing is an absolute sh*t pile. If it actually does start it shakes so violently it's basically doing the automobile equivalence of a full body sneeze. Pretty much all the tread on the tires has worn off and neither of the driver side windows roll up (or down for that matter). This doesn't really bother me, since I've been driving old p.o.s. cars for the better part of my driving existence. The thing about this particular car that absolutely kills me is that my only audio option is to listen to the radio.

Now I don't mean to sound snobbish, but just about everything that's played on regular radio is absolutely terrible. Most of the time I just listen to talk radio on the AM stations, not that that's much better. What's really killer though is the commercials that are played on the radio. Obviously people's budget is gonna be the lowest for radio advertisement, yet the quality of these ads is still breathtakingly bad. There's one ad in particular that gets a reaction from me no matter how many times I hear it. The commercial is for a windshield replacement business called Safelight. Here's a brief paraphrasing of their ad:

(Man talking): "When something seems to good to be true, it probably is. Take my customer the other day who was at a carwash when this pushy guy came out of nowhere and told her she had to get her windshield replaced. He was really aggressive and even stooped to offering her free stuff to get her business.

Well that just didn't feel right to her. Chances are this guy wanted to make a quick buck and get out of town."

The ad then goes on to talk about how Safelight is the best and you should always get your windshield replaced by them or THE CONSEQUENCES COULD BE DIRE!!! Now the reason this commercial bugs me is not because it’s poorly done and highly unethical. It bugs me because of how improbable it is. The “Chances are this guy wanted to make a quick buck and get out of town” line wrecks me every time. Even though I’m driving alone every time I hear that line I look around puzzled and sometimes say “What?” aloud. I mean really? Make a quick buck and get out of town? What is this guy The Music Man of windshield repairs? Honestly, aren’t the days of rolling into town, sexing up librarians and bolting with a bag of cash long gone? And were those days ever even around for the windshield replacement industry?

I’m really not sure what the answers to any of these questions are. But what I really want to know is who is this commercial swaying? Are there really people out there listening to the radio in the middle of the afternoon with a broken windshield who’ve gotten burned by windshield replacement con men in the past who are just jumping for joy when they hear this ad, thinking “finally someone has realized my plight. I’m going to Safelight for all my windshield replacement needs from now on. I won’t be fooled again.” I mean this ad can’t possibly be effective right?

These, and several other questions like them*, are the ones I want answered.

Until We Meet Again
* Such as “What’s the success rate of ‘Missed Connections’ postings on Craigslist?”

I'm Just Another Sell Out

I'm more or less broke and in an act of pure desperation I'm trying to make some money via my writing. so please click here to read my newest post. Thanks, but only if you clicked on the link.

Good night and good luck

Edit: Apparently I can't do simple html so just copy and paste this:
http://www.ehow.com/how_4871172_like-whats-going-mens-sweet.html

Who Am I Now?

There seems to be a prevailing need in American society to define everything. We become very uneasy if something or someone can fit neatly into a box. Where all this comes from I have no idea, but looking back through time it seems that this need is less cultural and more something that we all share as human beings. The ancient Greeks came up with elaborate myths to try and explain why things are the way they are. Here in modern times, we have Dr. Phil and the E! Network to tell us about the world at large.

This phenomenon tends to reach its apex in high school, when everyone is defined by their social group, i.e. the jocks, the Goths, the rich girls, the wallflowers, the ruggedly handsome loner who comes out of nowhere senior year to date the best looking, most popular and remarkably complex girl in the school*, the stoners, etc. After high school such defining wanes considerably, although people still tend to be defined by their job or their family.

I recently read Kurt Vonnegut's Breakfast of Champions, which for the most part deals with how most people tend to view themselves as characters in literature, a film, TV show, ect. Vonnegut believes this is a sort of illness that most of America suffers from. Not only do I think he's right, but I'd also count myself as among the victims of this epidemic. However I really don’t think my problem of identify with fictional characters is as fatal as Vonnegut makes it out to be. For the better part in my life I've often thought of myself as a character in some sort of narrative. I’ve also been known to try and make my life more like a fictional characters’. For the latter part of my high school career as well as my first few years of college I tried as hard as I could to be an elitist like John Cuasak in "High Fidelity"**. And who could forget the awkward few days I tried to be like Tyrone Slothrop. Thankfully for mine and humanities sake this didn’t pan out.

If you had asked me a few months ago when I was working 50+ hours between two jobs, I would have told you that my life was all too closely resembling the Loverboy song Working for the Weekend (a song I’ve always kinda liked, but never one I wanted to model my life after.) Now in moments of reflection I see that my life closely resembles a lead character in a Walker Percy novel. Only I don’t have the money, grandiose existential adventure, southern culture and two-dimensional sex icon/savior figure female character.

So really my life is nothing like a Walker Percy protagonist. I guess that means I am nothing…

Until We Meet Again

** Or maybe that’s only in John Hughes and Cameron Crowe movies
* 85% of cases of men trying to be fictional characters involve John Cusack

I've Either Lost My Mind or Achieved Nirvana

This was far to difficult to format at this ungodly hour, especially since I have little to no html knowledge. Read my newest blog here

Andy Roddick, Bruce!, Disabled Students and You

Right before the Superbowl I wanted to write a post that was a blatant rip off of Tim Keown's The List articles that runs weekly on espn.com. If you’re unfamiliar with this column, you’re missing out. It’s one of my very favorite on the internet. He's an excellent writer who’s always funny and engaging and every so often there's a subtle hint of racism in his work. So more or less, he's exactly the type of writer I want to be. The List has a similar format each week in which Keown writes a few paragraphs on a certain issue in sports and then finishes the column with a List of other things going on in the sports world. This List is more or less a bunch of humorous one liners, which is probably why I like it so much.

Anyways, I was going to write about watching Andy Roddick get destroyed by Roger Federer and how Roddick’s on the court meltdown was one of the best things I’ve ever seen. It happens every time they play, honestly. I think Roddick might be the most compelling person in sports, mainly because he actually comes off like an actual human being. I was going to write about how Roddick arguing with the center judge to divert his own attention from the ass-whipping he was receiving was so relatable, since I myself have done similar things in sporting events/real life. I had all sorts of things to say about it, but I never found time to write it before the weekend. And then Federer and Nadal had another classic match (which I watched until I fell asleep a set and half in) and then there was the Superbowl and it no longer seemed relevant.

So instead you’re just going get this post which gives a nice synopsis of Keown’s list column and brief outline of my thoughts on Andy Roddick. I’ve also decided to include a few other thoughts that have been bumping around in my head. Enjoy:

- You put down them chicken fingers and listen up, ‘cause your life’s about to change: One part of the Superbowl that I definitely undersold in the moment was Bruce Springsteen's half time show. I was still crushed due to the James Harrison TAINT and thus couldn't fully appreciate the Boss's show. In retrospect though, his performance was really something. He was so enthusiastic and earnest, it's like he legitimately thought he could rock America right out of this recession. Every time I watch or listen to Bruce I think he's either the least self-aware man of all-time or he's a so self-aware that his entire act is some kind of highbrow parody of blue collar rock n’ roll. The truth, as it always does, probably lies somewhere in the middle of those two extremes. I love him either way.

- I guess sometimes things are too obvious: Somehow music critics have failed to mention that Animal Collective's universally hailed Merriweather Post Pavilion sounds a lot more like a Panda Bear record than an Animal Collective album. I personally prefer Panda Bear’s stuff to Animal Collective, so I’m more than ok with it, just think it warrants mentioning that no one is talking about this. My apologizes to anyone reading who’s never heard of either of those bands, just let me assure you that they exist and I’m not speaking in gibberish.

- On a similar note: I recently saw The Wrestler and it was as soul crushing and brilliant as everyone’s been saying it is. I was also thrilled that Aronofsky's trusted his audience enough to get the films point, obvious as it may have been. He practically filmed this thing like it was a documentary. He just got out of the story’s way and doesn't try to influence how the audience interprets it in anyway. It was a very nice and refreshing change to see a director do this.

- The future of Lost: Is it also its past?*:
(***WARNING!!!! Pseudo-Lost Spoiler Alert***)
So I finally watched the first two episodes of Lost Season 5 and I’m continually flabbergasted by this show. The writers come up with some of the most amazing concept, but don’t know how to their strengths. For the last time, just focus on the overarching story line, that’s easily the strongest part of your show. Please stop trying to make me care about the poorly written emotional plights of your two dimensional characters (Unless it’s Desmond). And lastly, if you’re gonna be a full-blow time travel show, at least have the decency to make some Back to the Future allusions. Also, if you’re trying to make a realistic time travel show, don’t explain the rules to us and then provide your loophole to said rules five minutes later. That’s just embarrassing for everyone involved.
(***Pseudo-Lost Spoiler Alert Over***)

- At times, this world is too much for me: So I was recently taking a test at a community college where I encountered sign in front of an office door that read:

Welcome to Disabled Students Resources: Your “I Will” is more important than your “IQ”

Turns out this sign was serious and this was a legitimate department. I’m still not really sure why IQ was in quotations, yet I digress. All unintentional comedy aside, I did see 3 people working inside this tiny office. Now I don’t want to come off as insensitive, but maybe the reason this state’s education is it such disarray and forced to make astronomical budget cuts is because they spend their money on things like 3 full-time employees for a Disable Student Resource department on a remote satellite campus of a community college. But then again, what do I know?

Until We Meet Again
* With apologizes to The Onion

Don't Look Back in Anger

As I sit here the day after the Cardinals Super Bowl defeat sweating out an odd mixture of PBR, bratwurst, numerous kinds of buffalo wings and feeling so sore that it feels like I played in the game, I can't help but
think that as much as this loss stings in the short term, the lingering affects won't be that bad. Yes it was absolute gut-punch/kick to the groin loss. And sure I'll have to look away in every Super Bowl from now until the end of time when they show Harrison's interception return or Holmes's catch. And yes I'm sure I'll stay up countless nights wondering what would have happened if Fransico hadn't slipped thus setting up Holmes's catch and run that made it 1st and Goal. But even with all the what ifs, I still don't think this loss will have that much staying power.

In the end, the Steelers are a better team than the Cardinals. They'd probably win at least 65% of the times the two teams were to play. What hurts the most about this loss is that the Cardinals played a better game than the Steelers, they just didn't catch enough breaks to win. Yes the loss is going to hurt, but the total context of this loss is what's going to keep it from being truly tragic. Just look at the circumstances of how the Cardinals got here. Once we beat the Falcons in the first round, we were playing with the house's money. After the Jake Delhome game, this was officially the best Cardinals team of the modern era. The comeback win against the Eagles made this the best NFL season of my life and forever changed the way I'll watch Cardinals games. Thanks to that comeback, I'll no longer watch every Cardinals game certain they'll find a new and exciting way to blow it.

I'll now begrudgingly buy some NFC Championship gear, which will go great with my Phoenix Suns 1993 Western Conference Champions, all my UofA Final Four shirts from years other than 1997, etc. But I'm gonna feel a lot better looking at the Cardinals NFC Championship than the aforementioned fan gear because the Cardinals weren't suppose to get that far. There run to the Superbowl was wholly unexpected and exciting, thrilling, and any other cliché you wanna throw out there. It also distracted me from what appears to be the first UofA basketball team in my life time that won't be participating in March Madness. So yes this loss hurt, but in the end I can't really be that upset about it. And pitchers and catchers report in 14 days, which should provide a nice distraction for when the Cardinals management starts effing up this off-season.

Until We Meet Again

Brief Thoughts from Sunday

I feel like I have to write something about the Cardinals historic victory on Sunday, but I'm especially pressed for time this week so I'll just list off a few brief observations from my Sunday spent in front of the TV watching football.

- The Cardinals game started better than I possibly could have imagined, and then the 2nd half started. The Eagles comeback played out exactly the way I thought the whole game would, i.e. Cardinals D unable to get off the field and Warner looking like he shat himself as the Eagles blitz him with apprx. 30 players each down. I should have know what was coming. Soon as the Eagles took the lead I felt sick to my stomach and I was certain the Cardinals were done. In fact I was upset at myself for allowing the Cardinals to sucker me in for the umpteenth time. And then something remarkable happened. For the first time in my life time, actually for the first time in anyone under the age of 61's life time, the Cardinals proceeded to not crumble in the face of adversity. They actually rolled with the punches and put together a remarkable game winning drive that seem to defy all logic. The Cardinals showed grit, determination and a good deal of testicular fortitude while holding on to the ball for 8 minutes as they drove down the field for their game winning touchdown. That drive went against everything the Cardinals have ever stood for and it was a microcosm of this entire post season run. It was the definition of clutch (damnit now I sound like Jason Whitlock). Forget all the hyperbolic media quotes about how amazing the Cardinals going to the Super Bowl is, what's truly remarkable is how the Cardinals got there, namely with that drive. I allowed myself to believe that the Cardinals could win Sundays game, but I never imagined they would have won it like they did. Now I normally hate the 2 weeks leading up to the Super Bowl and the ungodly amount of hype that comes with it, but this year I'm actually looking forward to it. I can't wait read all the overly done and poorly written profile and puff pieces, because this year they're going to be about MY team. Right now I'm so excited that I don't even care that they'll all be extremely redundant and be littered with phrases like "These are not your father's Cardinals", etc. Normally I avoid this type of journalism like the plague, but over the next to week's I'm going to devoured all of it. I plan on reading just about every word that is written about the Cardinals because a.) this has never happened and b.) it may never happen again. So I'm just going try to live in the moment and soak it all in.

- The AFC Championship game bored me to tears. Maybe it's because I was exhausted from rooting for the Cardinals or maybe it's because the Steelers were infinitely better than the Ravens (seriously if the Steelers could have punted effectively and if Swede would have caught that wide open touchdown pass then they would have won the game by 30+) but I could barely get into the game. Even when the Steelers were up 2 and the Ravens had the ball with under 6 minutes left, you knew that the Steelers were gonna stop them and close it out. The game just lacked any real excitement, except..

- For the hit at the end of the game on McGhee, which may have given me a concussion

- It's gotten to the point that I'm going to have to stop excepting samples all together just to avoid being in a Pizza Hut commercial. Between them and Howie Mendel, they're gonna make fools of this entire nation.

- CBS dubbed their inauguration coverage "Change & Challenge". How very astute. Apparently they chose that over "A Black President. WOW."

- Regardless of your feelings on said inauguration, let's all just be thankful that now 99% of Americans will go nearly 4 years without having an opinion on politics. So really it's a win-win for everyone.

- Perhaps my favorite moment on Sunday was when Jim Nantz said “Joe Flacco. Well it hasn’t been a shaky start…” after a Flacco incompletion. At that point in the game Flacco was 1-9 for 2 yards and had thrown and Interception. No, that’s not a shaky start at all, that’s an out and out train wreck. Or a quarterbacking abortion. But definitely not a shaky start.


- Since this country is about to be over saturated with Super Bowl coverage, I'm going to try an abstain from writing anything about it. However, I'd be remised if I didn't at least give a prediction for the Cardinals first ever Super Bowl. Now I have little to know football knowledge, although I was starting QB for my Pop Warner flag football team when I was 6, so take everything I say with a grain of salt. Anyhow, I think this is a terrible match up for the Cardinals. The Steelers have the cornerbacks to match up with Fitz, Boldin and CO. and they're front 7 is impossible to run against and to block for an extended period of time. Warner is going to get lit up. In fact there's a good chance he may get split it half, horror movie style, by a Pittsburg blitz. Unless Big Ben and the Steelers offense has a plethora of turnovers, I just don't see anyway that the Cardinals can win this game. In the end I suspect they'll lose by about 10, but the outcome of this game really doesn't matter. Because just by making it to the Super Bowl and by overcoming all the adversity they faced along the way this team has proven that, these are not your father's Cardinals.

Until We Meet Again

Growing Up Cardinal

In Which I Try and Explain What It's Like to be a “Fan” of the Worst Run Franchise in Sports and How Their Surreal Rise to Prominence has Affected Me

(Edit. Note: I actually am a Cardinals fan. I didn't just jump on the bandwagon during the past two weeks and this isn't some frivolous attempt to be culturally relevant like Rick Riley's truly awful article on Beer Pong)

Webster describes a fan as “an enthusiastic devotee, follower, or admirer of a sport, past time, or celebrity, etc.”. When it comes to my fandom of the Arizona Wildcats, Phoenix Suns and the Arizona Diamondbacks, I feel like this description undersells my over-the-top, border line religious support of those teams. But as far as my NFL team, the Arizona Cardinals, is concern, well that's a different story. For most of my life I've lived in Arizona and I've been a follower of the Cardinals, which wasn't always easy considering 95% of our home games in the metal coffin known as Sun Devil Stadium used to be blackout on local TV because they never came close to selling out unless the Cowboys or 49ers were in town. I've always rooted for them over any other NFL team* and was generally rewarded for my support about 5 times per season. Now going back to Webster's definition, it's truly hard to admire such ineptitude, in fact to call the Cardinals inept seems like an insult to inept teams everywhere. I'm not being over-exaggerating here, after all The Cardinals have only had 2 winning seasons in my life time. In a league that's actually over active in promoting parity, such incompetence is truly something special. The Cards have raised the bar on how to run a franchise into the ground. You'd have to be a masochist to be an enthusiastic devotee of such a putrid team. So really the only part of Webster's dictionary that applies to me is “follower”. Yes I care about the team and have been let down so many times that I've lost count and have been desensitized over the years. Given the years of numbing defeats this team has dealt me then it's understandable why the Cardinals unprecedented playoff surge has felt more surreal than gratifying for me.

Quick tangent: I read an article from a Phoenix paper earlier this week about how the problem with the Cardinals these past 21 years wasn't their horrible owner Bill Bidwell being cheap, but it was the fact that Bidwell just didn't know how to win. WHAT!?!?!?!?! That’s the best excuse they could come up with? If by some chance it’s true that Bidwell didn't/doesn't know how to win, then how dumb is he? How did this guy make enough money to own an NFL team? I mean continuing to own an NFL team and not having a clue how to win makes about as much sense as me saying "Well I don't know how this whole stock market thing works, but I'm gonna pour a lot of money into anyway", and doing that for 21 straight years. I mean this is truly unbelievable. Even if it was true at the beginning of his tenure, don't you think he would have figured something out in his 21 straight years on the job? I mean honestly, this was one of the sh*ttiest articles I've ever read. I would have found it more believable if you had told me that the reason the Cardinals were so bad these last two decades was because Bidwell's mom was sick so he couldn't fully concentrate on running the team. I’m honestly, it’s great that the Cardinals are finally winning, but let’s not rewrite history here and try and portray Bidwell as anything but one of the worst and most frugal owners in sports history.
Ok, tangent over.

Anyhow, I still don't fully believe that the Cardinals are playing in, let alone hosting, the NFC Championship game. For starters, this is a team whose greatest accomplishments are finding new and interesting ways to lose games (and ending Steve Young's career). Some sports teams, like the championship era Yankees or Cowboys always found miraculous ways to comeback and win the seemingly unwinnable games. Since moving to Arizona in 1988, the Cardinals have done the exact opposite. They’re practically the antithesis of those aforementioned dynasties. Even last week as Jake Delhome was submitting the worst playoff performance of all-time**, I still never felt comfortable until there was about 3 minutes left in the game. Only then could I relax and actually allow myself to think that the Cardinals would win.

For the past 5 days I've been trying to come up with an analogy of what the Cardinals improbable run to the NFC Championship game has been like. Here's the best I could come up with: Imagine you had a close relative, for this example's sake will say a cousin, who's roughly the same age as you but has always been a colossal f*ck up. By the time he was 10 he was already smoking cigarettes and getting into fights at school. When he was 13 he go drunk on Thanksgiving and challenged your dad to a fistfight. A few years later during Christmas Dinner he left the table and went and took a dump in your living room. Since then he's been in and out of rehab and every time it looks like he just might be clean, he relapses, generally in the most public and embarrassing of fashions. And no matter how sad, upsetting, obnoxious, and all in all hopeless he may seem, you still care about him and keep tabs on him because he's family. Then one day, without any warning, he's out of rehab for the umpteenth time and doing great. You're expecting him to relapse at any moment, but it looks like he may actually have his life together. And now he's written a book, and Oprah just selected it for her book club. He's the talk of the literary world, he's doing the talk show circuit and all that jazz. This whole time as you're watching from a distance you’re incredibly proud of him, and yet at the same time you’re thinking “that's the same guy who took a dump in my living room a few Christmases ago”

(Note: This analogy is wholly fiction. As far as I know this describes no one in my family. immediate or otherwise.)

And that's what it's like right now to be an Arizona Cardinals fan. You're proud, amazed and yet complete bewildered because it goes against everything you've ever known about the Cardinals. Regardless of what happens Sunday, this has been the best Cardinals season of my life time. I suspect they'll probably lose by 10ish, but then again I thought that about the last two games. In fact, I feel like the Cardinals will lose by about 10 in 95% of the games they play, but that's neither here nor there. So, um, go Cards.

Until We Meet Again
* With the exception of few years in which I was a young child and allowed my father and older brother to influence me and I rooted for the New York football Giants and Dallas Cowboys over the home town Cardinals. What can I say, but 'when I was child I reasoned like a child', etc.
** That might actually be an understatement. Calling it the worst performance of all-time doesn't fully capture how truly sh*tty Delhome was.

The Problem with Jane Austen, Women in General and (to a lesser extent) Humanity as a Whole

(Ed. Note: All stats presented here are based on conjecture, guestimation or complete fabrication.)

So the other day I was facebook chatting (which I'm told is very impersonal) with a female friend of mine and I noticed that her "status" said something to the effect of 'of all the men Jane Austen wrote about, Mr. Darcy is the one I most love'. Now it was probably worded more articulately and more clever than that, but you get the general sentiment. This of course got me thinking about Jane Austen* and Mr. Darcy (or all the male character she's ever written, since they're all essentially some variation of the same two dudes). And while my mind was wondering I came to the realization that Mr. Darcy is primarily responsible for 92% of the heartache suffered by literate women and men (or women) who pursue literate women.

As you've probably guessed, this all boils down to unrealistic expectations. I realize this has already been covered by a multitude of people, done best by Chuck Klosterman in his essay "This is Emo", so with that in mind I'll keep my observations brief and at the very least try to add something new to the discussion.

Anyhow, my beef with Mr. Darcy and Ms. Austen is as follows: The character of Fitzwilliam Darcy is complete and utter bullsh*t. Here's a man who changes from a grade A, narcissistic prick to the most loving, selfless, kindhearted human being not name Jesus or Gandhi to ever exist in the matter of a couple hundred pages. And what brings about this dramatic transformation? Well, he was verbally 'put in his place' by some poor girl with a presumably alcoholic father and a floozy of a mother. This is probably the most unbuyable character development/transformation of all time. People don't change that dramatically, ever, regardless of the century or locale. Generally speaking, if people change at all it's a slow, strenuous process and it usually takes a few years before any of the said changes become even remotely apparent to other people. Change is never this dramatic or this rapid. But it's not just the speed of the change that is so unrealistic.

As the reader, or viewer, for those of you who just saw the movie adaptation, we're suppose to believe that this rich, arrogant guy changed his personality entirely in order to woo and then marry some attractive poor girl who delivers quick one-liners and has a highly volatile family No guy has ever changed this much for a girl. In fact, no where in recorded history will you see a man changed half this much for a girl or anything else. 98 out of 100 times that a guy changes for a girl he does so in order to sleep with her** and once he has done that the changes quickly wane or disappear completely. Not even true love could dictate such a dramatic transformation, especially not in Victorian era England.

By writing a character as unrealistic as Mr. Darcy, Jane Austen is setting up women and ,based on her own history, herself, up for failure. Since Ms. Austen is a very good writer, literate girls all across the globe are now convinced that men actually can change. She essetenially ruined girls perceptions of men the same way Garden State ruined the Shins. All the Shins wanted was to be another indie rock band out of the Pacific Northwest with clever lyrics and catchy guitar hooks. Then Garden State came around and all of a sudden they're suppose to be some life changing band that gives you a deeper understanding of life and an instant connection with girls like Natalie Portman. I mean who can live up to such expectations? I'm fully convinced that Garden State is wholly responsible for there being only 3-4 good songs on the last Shins album. Likewise, Austen is wholly responsible for women thinking that men actually have the ability to change. And all the while men are trying to make these dramatic, wholesale changes in under to gain favor with women. They always fall short, it'd be impossible for us not to. The whole things is just one giant circle of unfulfilled expectations and disappointment for both parties. And it never ends well. In fact it can only end with mountains upon mountains of compromised by everyone involved.

And that's why you should never read or associate with those who read Jane Austen. And if you have children, advice them to do the same. She is, intentionally or otherwise, pure evil.

Until We Meet Again
* Whom I have read. What do you want from me? I was in 8th grade, home schooled and my Jane Austen loving mother made my curriculum. I literally had no choice.
** Maybe once out of 100 times the changes actually stick, the other time the guy changes and then realizes he's gay

Top 101 Songs of 2008

So this is my top songs of the year list. In an effort to keep things brief I'm not going to have any real introduction, nor will I be commenting on every song. This list will look a lot longer than it will read. The songs are in descending order, with the artists name first, followed by the song title. The title of the LP or EP that the song is on will be next to the song in parenthesis. Let' quit the foreplay and get right into the list.

101 The Legends - Seconds Away (Seconds Away Single): I love this band and this song, but who played “Loveless” for these guys? Sure now they'll expand their musical horizons, but I selfishly just wanted them to make pop music the rest of their career.

100 Aimee Mann - Freeway (@#%&*! Smilers)

99 Pacific! - Hot Lips (Pacific!)

98 The Tallest Man on Earth - Shallow Graves (Shallow Graves): If you can get by the voice, which requires more work than I usually care for, the payoff of TTMoE is really quite exceptional.

97 Dr. Dog - From (Fate)

96 The Morning Benders - I Was Wrong (Talking Through Tin Cans)

95 Wild Sweet Orange - Tilt (We Have Cause to Be Uneasy): No matter how much my musical tastes ‘grow and mature’, it's good to know that I'm still a sucker for a straight up emo rocker

94 Youth Group - Good Time (The Night is Ours)

93 This is Ivy League - The Richest Kids in Town (This is Ivy League): Belle and Sebastian have to be getting some sort of kickback for this song right? And while the
song is a blatant B & S rip, it doesn't try to hide it, which is why it’s so good.

92 The Republic of Tigers - Buildings and Mountains (Keep Color)

91 Young Jeezy - My President [feat. Nas] (The Recession): I like to think that the Commander and Chief to be was kinda of embarrassed by this song until the 3 minute mark hit and then Nas showed up and started wrecking sh*t. Then he was probably pretty ok with it and how a good deal of gratitude towards Young Jeezy and hip hop in general.

90 Sleeping States – Rivers (Old Vs. New)

89 Neil Halstead - Baby, I Grew You A Beard (Oh! Mighty Engine): Easily the best song title of the year, although I'm slightly biased.

88 Oh No! Oh My! - Go to Work (Dmitrij Dmitrij)

87 The Rosebuds - Bow to the Middle (Life Like)

86 Coldplay - Viva La Vida (): Violently overplayed? Yes. Still great despite the overplaying and Chris Martin's mildly-retarded dancing in the video? Yes

85 Throw Me the Statue - Lolita (Moonbeams)

84 The Killers - Losing Touch (Day and Age): You know I really don't care if this song is goofy and if the verses sound vaguely like a Huey Lewis and the News song. That's not gonna stop me from liking it and singing the chorus a little too passionately when listening to it while driving by myself.

83 T.I. - Live Your Life [feat. Rhiana] (Paper Trail): Pitchfork pretty much nailed this song in the write up they had for their best songs list. I'm still not sure how the Numa Numa sample doesn't completely discredit this song.

82 Eef Barzely - Apocalyptic Friend (Lose Big)

81 Jonathan Richman - Our Drab Ways (Because Her Beauty is Raw and Wild): Probably the best cultural send up of Christianity evah!

80 Estelle - American Boy [feat Kanye West] (Shine): This song is a disease. Anytime I hear a snippet of it or even if someone mentions it, it'll be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Thankfully it's a terrific song, but like all addictions, such as nicotine, I have a feeling that the long-lasting effects could be hazardous to my health.

79 Josh Rouse - Easy Street (Bedroom Classics Vol. 3)

78 Solange - I Decided (Sol-Angel and the Hadley St. Dreams): I think that my love for this song officially makes me the Knowles sisters, or at least their handler's, b*tch.

77 Silver Jews - What Could Not But Could Be If (Look Out Mountain, Lookout Sea)

76 Chairlift - Bruises (Does You Inspire You): Also known as the song from the melting Ipod Nano commercial. Just be warned, the rest of this album is really, really bad.

75 The Submarines - You, Me and the Bourgeoisie (Honeysuckle Weeks): Also known as the song that's now in every Iphone commercial. Not only is the song slightly better then the one right above it, but the album it's on is actually quite good as well.

74 Kings of Leon - Sex on Fire (Only By Night): I love this song. It's so unironic that I actually think that's how it's ironic. Not that that really makes sense...

73 Gnarles Barkley - Who's Gonna Save My Soul (The Odd Couple): While the song is pretty great, it's mainly up this high on my list because of its amazing video.

72 Love as Laughter - Don't Worry (Holy)

71 Starflyer 59 - I Love You Like a Little Bird (Dial M): Jason Martin and Co have been writing the same 3 songs for their entire career, and I love those 3 songs! This one is in the vein of "Feel In Love at 22" and roughly 85% of "Leaving Here a Stranger"
70 Plants and Animals - New Kind of Love (Parc Avenue)

69 Manchester Orchestra - I Can Feel a Hot One (Let My Pride Be What's Left Behind EP): See the line I wrote about “Tilt” by Wild Sweet Orange and change the word rocker with ballad and you'll know why I like this song. Although it's probably more British than emo, not that there's a huge difference between the two.

68 Phantom Planet - Raise the Dead (Raise the Dead): I never thought Phantom Planet could write a song this good, nor did I think I'd ever have to take them seriously as a band, but this whole album was pretty good.

67 Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin - Dead Right (Pershing): Not only is this the best, most surreal band name in sometime, but SSLYBY is also proficiently awesome.

66 Lil' Wayne - Mr. Carter [feat. Jay Z] (Carter III): When I present my semi-blasphemous case that Jay-Z is actually better as a guest rapper, this song will easily be my strongest argument.

65 Coner Oberst - NYC-Gone, Gone (Coner Oberst): I'm honestly a little disturbed by how much I liked about half of this album...

64 The National - Blank State (The Virginia EP)

63 Old 97's - No Baby I (Blame It On Gravity): Rhett Miller reasserts himself into my
Top 5 man crushes with this little diddy. And since it's Christmas time, check out the holiday single they put out last year "Here It Is, Christmas Time"

62 KaiserCartel - Dog Star (March Forth): One of my favorite things I did this year was listening to KaiserCartel's debut album and trying to count the number of times they blatantly ripped off other bands., I lost track about midway through the 3rd song. Who they’re ripping of here doesn’t mater because it’s really lovely all the way though.

61 I'm From Barcelona - Mingus (Who Killes Harry Houdini)

60 Margot and the Nuclear So and So's - Broadnipple is Burning (Not Animal)

59 Spiritualized - Baby I'm Just a Fool (Songs in A+E): Almost 8 minutes with no discernable tempo change and yet this song still grabs my attention every time.

58 Mirah - Lone Star (): Easily the best song making fun of Texas and its inhabitants written by a lesbian this year.

57 Tokyo Police Club - Graves (Elephant Shell): 2 LPs and 1 EP into their musical career and Tokyo Police Club has one song over the 3 minute mark (incidentally, it's not this one). Given their propensity for writing such short, catchy songs, I'm guessing they're gonna be the next 'break-through' indie band, since they write songs short enough that kids might actually listen to the whole thing. And by kids I mean me.

56 Okkervil River - Calling and Not Calling My Ex (Stand Ins)

55 James - Bubbles (Hey Ma): A surprisingly competent and underrated album from the first British band I ever gave my heart to. This opener is the highlight.

54 The Walkmen - Donde Esta La Playa (You and Me): Even though I lived 90 minutes from the border, I took French in high school because it was an easier class. So I don't know what this song's Spanish title is, although I'm pretty sure it's something like "Where is the beach". As far as I can tell, this song has absolutely nothing to do with the beach, nor does that really matter because this song is still great.

53 Mason Jennings - Going Back to New Orleans (In the Ever)

52 The Awkward Stage - Skeletal Blond (Slimming Mirrors, Flattering Lights): Not as good as his love song to “The Girls of Vivid Video”(that’s how he introduced the song when I saw him in concert): “Heaven is for Easy Girls”. But not a bad follow up either.

51 Hawksley Workman - Piano Blink [Los Manlicious Remix] (Between the Beautifuls)

50 Black Kids - I'm Making Eyes at You (Partie Traumatic): Best new song off the mildly disappointing Black Kids debut LP

49 Kanye West - Love Lockdown (808's and Heartbreaks): What more could possibly be said about this man and this song? Nothing. But do check out the mash-up of Love Lockdown and Radiohead’s Reckenor by DJ Earthworm


48 Say Hi - Zero to Love (The Wishes and the Glitch)

47 Okkervil River - Interview with Bruce Wayne Campbell... (The Stand Ins): If you ever think you’re having a sh*t day, Wikipedia the subject of this song. But do so cautiously

46 The Grand Archives - Sleep Driving (The Grand Archives)

45 Frighten Rabbits - Keep Yourself Warm (The Midnight Organ Fight): Frighten Rabbits sound like a combination of Coldplay and the Proclaimers. On paper this sounds atrocious. In actuality, I can’t stop listening to this album. Guess that’s why they play the games eh?

44 Cut Copy - Feel the Love (In Ghost Colours)

43 Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal (Fleet Foxes)

42 Sigur Ros - Festival (Med Sud I Eyrum Vid Spilum Endalaust )

41 Murs - Better Than the Best (Better Than the Best Single): Mur’s mainstream debut album was very disappointing. And I still not sure why this song, his best since the entire “Murs 3:16: 9th Edition” album, wasn’t on that album

40 Blitzen Trapper - Furr (Furr): As you might have already noticed from this list, it was a big year for title tracks.

39 M83 - Kim & Jessie (Saturdays = Youth)

38 Jonathan Richman - Because Her Beauty is Raw and Wild (Because Her Beauty is
Raw and Wild): And now it's time for a list inside a list. Allow me to introduce to you: “The Problems with writing you 'best of' albums list on a e-mail at work” by Calvin Paradise:

1. The moral and ethical issues it raises and blah blah blah, etc.
2. Two sentences reviews for certain albums.
3. Nonsensical reviews that have little to do with the actual album.
4. You forget about Jonathan Richman's amazing album that was definitely ahead of at least 3-4 albums you actually put on your list.
5. Neck pain from constantly looking over your shoulder to make sure your boss isn't coming around the corner.
6. The terrible Christmas music they were playing while I wrote the list. Did you know there's a song about only wanting a Hippo for Christmas? As Christmas music wasn't painful and terrible enough...

37 Girl Talk - Still Here (Feed the Animals): While this album should be viewed as one, single unit, this was my favorite track, and I felt like “Feed the Animals” needed some representation on my top songs list.

36 Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream (Walking On a Dream): Sounds a lot like MGMT, minus the paint splattered everything and the scarves worn by them and their fans (MGMT that is).

35 The Notwists - Boneless (The Devil, You and Me)

34 Atmosphere - You (When Life Gives You Lemmons...): Still haven’t figured out how Atmosphere’s free album “Strictly Leakage” was miles better then the actually album he put out for sale this year. This song however is great.

33 French Kicks - Said So What (Swimming)

32 Albert Hammond Jr. - Feed Me Jack or How I Learned to Stop Caring and Love Peter
Sellers (Coma Te Llama?): 2nd best song title of the year

31 She & Him - Sentimental Heart (Volume 1)

30 The Killers - Human (Day and Age): Um, yeah

29 The Dodos - Undeclared (Visiter)

28 MGMT - Kids (Oracular Spectacular): I dare you to listen to this song and try not to dance. I effing dare you

27 Crooker Fingers - What Never Comes (Forfeit/Fortune)

26 Chad Van Gaalen - Willow Tree (Soft Airplane): At one point I thought this might be my favorite track of the year, then I played it daily for a few months straight and now I can’t listen to it anymore. So it’s safe to say I can’t accurately judge this song.

25 Hayden - The Van Song (In Fields and in Town)

24 The BPA - Toe Jam [feat. David Byrne and Dizzie Rascal] (Stanton Sessions, Vol. 3): Apparently BPA is the guy from Fat Boy Slim. I had no idea he could be part of song this awesome

23 Lil' Wayne - La La [feat. Brisco and David Banner] (Carter III): The best showcase for Weezy’s incredible lyrics.

22 Destroyer - Blue Flower/Blue Flame (Trouble in Dreams): He’s like the white, Canadian, Lil’ Wayne. Only with entirely different music and better lyrics…

21 David Byrne and Brian Eno - Life is Long (Everything That Happens Will Happen)

20 Stephen Malkamus - We Can't Help You Out (Real Emotional Trash): I really wish Malkamus would right more straight forward pop songs like this.

19 Cloud Cult - Love You All (Feel Good Ghosts): I kinda have a thing for vecoders

18 The Notwists - Good Lies (The Devil, You and Me)

17 Vampire Weekend - Walcott (Vampire Weekend): For all the hype, overplaying and general overexposure that plagued Vampire Weekend, this song somehow ceased to be affected by any of it. No matter how many times I listen to it I still get caught slightly off guard, and a little giddy, by the cursing in the songs bridge.

16 The Dodos - Winter (Visiter)

15 Crooked Fingers -Your Control [feat. Neko Case] (Forfeit/Fortune): Neko Case’s cameo steals this song, but it’s Eric Bachmann’s lyrics that make it so enjoyable upon further listens.

14 Blind Pilot - 3 Rounds and a Sound (3 Rounds and a Sound)

13 Devotchka - The Clockwise Witness (A Mad and Faithful Telling)

12 French Kicks - Abandon (Swimming): No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to find a guitar riff better than the opening one on this song.

11 Spiritualized - Borrowed Your Gun (Songs in A+E): As far as unintentional anthems go, this one hits pretty close to home for me. The gun being a metaphorical one of course…

10 Magnetic Fields - Too Drunk to Dream (Distortion): I really didn’t care too much for the Stephen Merrit’s take on the Jesus and Mary Chain, nor do I care too much for the Jesus and Mary Chain, but that’s a story for another day (or never). This song however captures everything Merrit does so well as a song writer. It’s also perfect tongue and cheek and semi-moving.

09 Wolf Parade - Language City (At Mount Zoomer): The new Wolf Parade album was probably the biggest letdown of the year for me. It wasn’t necessarily a bad record; it just wasn’t nearly as good as I had hoped it would be. This song however, is everything I’d ever want in a Wolf Parade song.

08 MGMT - Time To Pretend (Oracular Spectacular): Two songs does not an album make, but this one and Kids sure come close to making Oracular Spectacular a terrific album.

07 Blind Pilot - Story I Heard (3 Rounds and a Sound): In my top albums list I talked about how I feel like Blind Pilot was created just for me. This song and the title track are what’s really driving home that notion in my head.

06 She & Him - Change is Hard (Volume #1): Every time I listen to this album I can’t help but think that this was all a publicity stunt by Mr. Ward and Ms. Deschanel. And in spite of that I can’t help but fall in love with this song every time. Just an amazing piece of music.

05 Bon Iver - Skinny Love (For Emma, Forever Ago): So there’s some debate about whether this album came out in ’07 or ’08. Apparently it was self-released in 2007, then Jagjaguwar signed him and distributed it this year. I wasn’t cool enough to hear this last year when it was self-released, so it makes my list this year.

04 Okkervil River - Lost Coastlines (The Stand Ins): An anti-sailing song that somehow further romanticizes the notion of sailing, the ocean, etc. I’m not sure how Will Sheff does it, but he’s real damn good at whatever it is he does.

03 Destroyer - Foam Hands (Trouble in Dreams): I first heard this song and December of last year and I played it constantly well into last May. I’m not sure which part I like better, the Kelly Clarkson reference or the whistling outro.

02 Fleet Foxes - So Long to the Headstrong (Sun Giant EP): One of the reasons the Fleet Foxes self-titled debut wasn’t high on my albums list is that eve though it’s very, very good, it never has a moment that touches this one. Pretty much just a perfect song.

01 Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago (For Emma, Forever Ago): I just recently learned that Emma was the middle name of Bon Iver, real name Justin Vernon, high school sweet heart who he never got over. I feel like that should somehow affect how I listen to this song, but it doesn’t. This song is beautiful through and through and officially makes 2008 the year of the title track.

Until We Meet Again

Top 15 Albums of 2008

I first started writing this blog because I wanted to be a journalist and I figured this would help me hone my writing skills. I no longer have any aspirations involving journalism, yet I keep writing for reasons mostly unknown and nonsensical. And anyone who actually read my blog back then knows that the only difference between then and now is that now I have a wider range of authors whose style I try and emulate. Likewise, I first started compiling 'best of' music lists to improve my writing and to show people how awesome my musical taste was. I now realize that I make people aware of my musical tastes whether or not they read my year end lists. Mainly because I'm a loud, obnoxious blowhard when it comes to music*. Yet I digress.

This year I made a conscious decision to be more analytical in my actual life and less analytical in the “arts” that I encounter. Why do this you ask, well I felt like there wasn't enough duality in my life. Actually that's not true, mainly I just figured that if I liked something I shouldn't have to justify it to myself. So for the first time ever this list is wholly made up of my favorite records of the year. In years past I'd allow my inner music critic to take over and I’d put albums I thought were better ahead of albums I liked more. So in turning over this new leaf I'll start with the honorable mentions and go from their.

Honorable Mention
Plants and Animals - Parc Avenue
Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin - Pershing
Paavoharju - Laulu Laakson Kukista (Not a made up band or album, their just Finnish)
Crooked Fingers - Forfeit/Fortune

15. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend: A very solid album whose charm dissipates upon multiple listens. There are still some amazing highlights off this album though whose awesomeness haven’t weaned over time.

14. French Kicks - Swimming: I'm not sure why I like this French Kicks album better than there older stuff, perhaps it's because they sound more relax, more sure off themselves. It as if they're no longer concerned with trying to save the world by rocking and now they just wanna play good music. I actually can't explain why I like this album so much, but hopefully my ambiguity covered that up...

13. Hayden - In Field and Town: As I grow older I've found that my fantasies are becoming more and more grounded in reality. Where as a teenager I dreamed of being an me exceedingly rich multi-media celebrity which would allow me to bed any and every beautiful woman on the planet. Now my daydreams consist of a day off work where it's breezy and I have no responsibilities and can just sit and read in the shade. If such a day ever arrives, this album will be the soundtrack to it. Never did I imagine myself being this boring and neutered at the age of 23.

12. Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes: This album/band answers the age old question of what it would sound like if Fleetwood Mac and the Beach Boys had a musical love child. The Answer: F*cking Awesome

11. The Notwists - The Devil You, and Me: I feel like this album is made a lot better by the fact that it's the Notwists first album in over 6 years. Such distance between records is sure to augment it one way or the other. Luckily for the Notwists, the break plays in there favor. And since I have nothing else to say I’ll allow avid reader and musical enthusiast Marko Wilson to give a one word review of this album:

“Catchier”

10.The Walkmen - You and Me: Anyone who read my blog back when I was living in Chicago knows how truly miserable I was during the 6 month long winter there. This album, oddly enough, makes me miss those winters. The whole thing sounds like a soundtrack to those dark, bleak and freezing months. If I were still living there I can guarantee this album would have been one of my 3 favorite to come out this year.

9. The Dodos - Visiter: Every so often I feel as if an album is made with me specifically in mind. This is one of those records. It's perfectly constructed alt. folk with a curveball thrown in, which pretty much describes anything I'd ever want in a record. What makes this record better so many similar ones, like the over-hyped Department of Eagles LP, is their use of percussion and harmonies. Considering the album is almost entirely acoustic, it's very unique and awesome to hear the drums and bass lines up so high in the mix.

8. Lil Wayne - Carter III: I've gone back in forth on this album all year. Sometimes it sounds like the most brilliant, enjoyable music that's ever been put out. Other times it's so painfully obnoxious it makes me what to punch someone in the face. As of the time of writing this, it's the former. I'm currently amazed how Lil' Weezy raps the way jazz musicians play music.

7. Sigur Ros - Med Sud I Eurune Vid Spilum Endalaust (With a Buzz in Our Ears We Play Endlessly): This was easily the biggest surprise of the year in my mind. No so much that the album was as good as it is, though it is Sigur Ros most complete record, but what surprised me the most was how the album was so good. The fact that a band that's famous for making atmospheric post-rock and signing in a made up language could write such brilliant pop songs is really quite astounding. The best song on the album, Festival, does sound like a classic Sigur Ros song, but good portions of this album are borderline twee-pop. Even typing this I'm still flabbergasted that it works as well as it does.


6. Blind Pilot - 3 Rounds and a Sound: Speaking of album's that seem like they were made exclusively for me, I present Blind Pilot's debut LP. Much the same way boy bands were created out of the dreams and wishes of teenagers girls and gay men over the age of 40, so Blind Pilot was created for me. It's like Pandora and the Itunes Genius function combined powers, look through my musical collection and then gave birth to Blind Pilot based on all that data. And if that wasn't enough, they biked to every venue on their first tour, which is incredible awesome. There's nothing about this band and their stunningly beautiful music that I don't love.

5. Destroyer - Trouble in Dreams: Another great album by Destroyer which I undersell because it came out only two years after Rubies. If you like Destroyer you'll love this album. If you don't like Destroyer then there is probably something wrong with you. I also question whether or not you have the ability to truly love anything.

4. Okkervil River - The Stand Ins: This probably would have been my album of the year if were just a 4 song EP featuring: Lost Coastlines, Blue Tulips**, Calling and Not Calling My Ex and Interview with Bruce Wayne Campbell. That's not to the say the other 4 non-instrumental songs on this album are bad, quite the opposite in fact. Those songs main problem is the fact that they're paired with the aforementioned 'Big 4'. I also probably would have had this album higher if I hadn't played it for a 2 months straight followed by other members of my family playing it for two more months straight. That's a pretty good recipe right there for how to OD on an album.

3. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago: I'm sure I've written or talked about this analogy before in regards to other albums, but I don't really care. Bon Iver's debut album reminds me of the Shaq-Kobe Lakers teams that were a mini-dynasty at the beginning of this decade. You've got two iconic superstars: Skinny Love and the title track. And there surrounded by a slew of great role players, who don't necessarily stand out on their own, but they compliment the two superstars perfectly. I feel like this is the best possible explanation for this great album. And for those of you wondering, Flume is obviously ‘Big Shot’ Bob Horry in this analogy.

2. Girl Talk - Feed the Animals: Some people might frown upon Girl Talk's inclusion on this list, since none of this album is original material, it's all mash-ups. My justification, not that I feel like I need one (see the 2^nd paragraph of this post), is that while all the songs Gregg Gillis is using were originally other people's, they now belong to him. Much the same way as when Johnny Cash covers a song, it then becomes one of his songs^. Hurt is no longer a Trent Reznor or NIN song, it's a Cash song. I feel the exact same way about the music in Feed the Animals, anytime I hear a song that’s on here out of the context of this mash-up it feels foreign and wrong. And that's why this album is on this list, because even though he's breaking multiple copyright laws and getting sued out the a$$, the songs on this album now belong to Mr. Gillis. And they're all pretty damned amazing.

1. Spiritualized - Songs in A+E: What can I say about this album that I haven't already written or forcefully told people who didn't want to hear about it? I've been playing this record at least once a week for the past 6 months and I've yet to tire of it. The sum of its whole is better than the individual parts, which is a marking of any great album. I don't want to be hyperbolic, but Songs in A+E is pretty much perfect.

Until We Meet Again
* Context probably not necessary...
** Be sure to hit up youtube and check out Bon Iver's cover of this son
^ With the exception of his covers of Bridge of Troubled Water and In My Life and maybe one or two other songs I'm currently forgetting

A Guide to Year-End Music Lists

Now that the holiday season is upon us the time has come for people to take a step back and examine the year that was. Magazines of all kinds will be coming out with their year end lists on music, films, tv shows, video games, etc. I'm a sucker for these types of lists, especially the music ones. So I've decided to create a guide to these year end music lists. I’ll start with the heavy hitters and work my way down the pedigree line, here goes:

Rolling Stone

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: Once the pinnacle of music magazines, Rolling Stones (RS) has declined significantly the past decade or so. The mag now seems more interested in politics and pop culture, music seems to have been put on the back burners. There list will be a great source of ridiculed by anyone who has an opinion on music.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
"RS is really out of touch with the musical world. That haven't been culturally relevant in years."
"I can't believe they put (insert any major label release that hasn't received acclaim from the likes of Pitchfork, Stereogum or Flux Blog) on their list. They don't know a damn thing about music."
"They obviously put (insert any indie album that'd made the cut) on there to try and up there street cred. Talk about pandering"

What the List Will Look Like: Any artist who was even remotely popular in the 60's, 70's or 80's that put out an album this year is pretty much assured to be on there. All sure fire top 40 hits (Britney Spears, Panic at the Disco!, etc.) will also make the list to show that they're not pretentious and can relate to the youth of America. Any pseduo-indie record that had any crossover success or received acclaim will be on there to show that they're still relevant. So pretty much all the pretentious sh*t people will say about this list will be true.

Pitchfork

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: The king of indie music and hipsterdom still has its crown, only now you'll be hard pressed to find anyone who admits to still reading this site. Their list is all but assured of being the most through and analytical of any on the market. It will also be the most condescending and pretentious list you could ever hope to find.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
"Man Pitchfork's writers are so pretentious and bitter. Who still reads that garbage?"
“This list was so heavy handed and preachy, reading it felt like going to church”
"They're all so caught in being trendsetters that they've forgotten why they liked music in the first place. Pretty much anything those guys write should be considered a conflict of interest" (If you say all this in order to any music snob they’ll enthusiastically nod their head in agreement and not question anything you say for at least 6 weeks)

What the List Will Look Like: The albums are subject to change, but their top 10 will included:

- Hard to listen to Noise-Rock band that tries too hard to sound like Sonic Youth and My Bloody Valentine, but doesn't have the pay off of either of those bands.
- Some sort of Euro-techno-dance pop
- Mainstream Hip-Hop to show how forward thinking they are (Most likely Lil' Wayne or Young Jeezy. Maybe both)
- TV on the Radio
- Any type of music that can be described as "an acquired taste"
- Absolutely no indie band that received any sort of crossover success, regardless of the album's merit.
- Some ambient, techno or trip-hop band with an obscenity in their title

Paste

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: Paste Magazine has always been like that friend of the opposite sex whom you grew up with and is madly in love with you. They're great as a friend, but you know that if you ever got seriously involved with them you'd be settling to the nth degree. Still that's not gonna stop you from hooking up with them when you're intoxicated at some holiday party, cause after all they're cute and unthreatening. As a critical magazine, Paste is cute, enjoyable and non-threatening, but not to be taken seriously. Paste's list will be very respectable, but it will also err on the safe side.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
"Paste had a pretty solid list, but I think they put (pick any album in their top 5 and you'll probably be safe) too high"

What the List Will Look Like: A whole lot like mine. The list will be safe and have every decent indie album that came out this year on it. And their top choice will be some sort of faux-controversial pick that no one will, you guessed it, take seriously.

Blender

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: This list will consist almost entirely of Billboard Top 40 music. The blurbs will be written by someone who’s either: moonlighting from Maxim or who's favorite song is "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls.

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends: Nothing, people with any opinion on music don't acknowledge Blender's existence

What the List Will Look Like: Itunes Top Downloads list circa October of this year.

NME or another British Magazine

Assumptions You Can Safely Make: That the words bloke, bloody, joskin, daft, cracker, lad(s), etc., will be used unironically

Things You Can Say to Impress Your Hipsters Friends:
(If they dislike Brit Mags) “The list isn’t horrible, but (insert magazines name) is so obsessed with crowning the next Oasis that they overlook sooooo [overemphasized] much good music.”
(If they like Brit Mags) “Pretty good list. I wish American critics had this good of taste.”

What the List Will Look Like: These lists are sure to include: Any new band that sounds like Oasis. Oasis’ new album. And for reasons unknown, Kings of Leon will be in the top 5.

Until We Meet Again

There Are Things That We've Done That We Cannot Undo

The title for this post is taken from the lyrics of one of my favorite Matt Pond PA songs: "New Hampshire". I've always loved this lyrics despite it's simplicity and (as you'll soon see) it seemed like an appropriate title. But as I began to dwell on this particular lyric, it started to bug me. I get what he's aiming for with this line, that there are certain things you do and say that you can't fix. But, analytically speaking, aren't all things that you do things that cannot be done? I'm mean you can obviously fix situations and apologize for what you said and/or done. But you're not undoing what you've already done, you're just fixing it. Think about how in every romantic comedy the main guy screws up and then spends the rest of the moving atoning for his mistake so that the girl will take him back. In the end she always does, but not because he undid whatever it was that made him lose her in the first place. He merely fixed the problem*. So really, when you think about it, this line is merely stating the obvious, with a degree of untruth in it. That said, I still like this line. I'm a dichotomous individual.

Anyhow, below are a few stories of things I've been apart of or witness that I wish had gone differently, i.e. Things that I've done (or saw) that I'd like to undo (get it?). Let's just move on to the stories before someone makes a "That Thing You Do" pun.

- Let's start with a little 3rd person perspective here. After Lute Olson retired, former recruit Brandon Jennings (goggle him if you don't know the whole story) was quoted in ESPN The Magazine saying "See, I don't look so dumb for not going to Arizona now do I". Actually Brandon you do. The only reason you're currently playing pro ball in Europe is because you couldn't get the SAT grade needed to qualify academically for the U of A. You took the test 3 times and only passed once and the one time you did pass you're score rose so dramatically that everyone was certain you had cheated. So you could only qualify academically by cheating. Considering you get over a third of the points needed to pass just by spelling your name correctly, I say you still look pretty dumb for not going to the U of A. Real effing dumb in fact.

- Ok so that first one had nothing to do with this blogs title, but that quotes been bugging me for awhile and I had to say something. The rest of these actually make sense. Hopefully

- So a few weeks ago I went to see the Crooked Fingers in concert (there music not for everyone, but I personally love them. Probably a little too much). Anyways they put on a tremendous show and all that jazz, but that's not what's important here. What's important is that through at the show I, and everyone I was with, including my sister in-law, kept on noting how beautiful the bassists/violinists/back up vocalist was. As the show began to build towards it's conclusion and while the euphoria was building inside of me, I decided that I was going to talk to her after the show. When the show ended we all went outside to catch are collective breath. As luck would have it, the band came out to meet there to meet their fans and stood about 5 feet away from us. Naturally I stood there frozen and avoided eye contact with the bassist at all costs. After a few minutes the bassist went back inside, walking towards the bar.
I figured this was my chance to seize the moment. I had it all planned out in my head. We meet at the bar, I'd buy her a drink and say something like: "Hi, my name's Calvin. I'm 23 and still live at home and have no plans for my future. I think you're music is rad.". Of course this was going to sweep her off her feet and she would fall head over heels in love with me, so my confidence was riding high. However, she ruined everything and passed the bar and stop at their merchandise table instead. I then chickened out an ducked into the bathroom instead of talking to her. As I stalled in the bathroom I began to regained my compuser. I told myself that I had to talk to her, if for no other reason then to prove to myself that I could do it. Triumphantly I exited the men's room and saw my muse packing up her equipment. So I went up to her and told her: “You guys put on a great show”. She turned around with a pick in her mouth and said thanks for coming out. I then tried to say “Yeah, you guys are great”. I got the first four words out fine, but instead of saying great, I said something “groat”. Mortified by my inability to speak I walked away, head hung low. And that’s why, you don’t fall in love with band chicks

- So I had more to write about, but I’m tired and lazy. Happy Thanksgiving All

Until We Meet Again
* The Back To the Future trilogy is an exception to this rule.

An Obamanation: A Fistfull of Thoughts on the Election

So the election is finally over, and we have our first (sorta)* black President. Congratulations to Barrack Obama for becoming the Jackie Robinson of the Oval Office.

For those of you who were wondering, I did not vote. The thing is, I actually liked both these candidates before the election started. Then as the compromises started to build on both sides as November neared (I see you Palin), I started to just get sick of both of them. In the end the only reason I could think of to vote for one over the other had to do with the unabridged version of an essay written about McCain for Rolling Stone 8 years ago by a now dead alcoholic (DFW!). So in the end I didn't vote, because I believe you should actually have convictions, or at the very least some motivation, when you vote. Clearly I had neither.

I guess I'm happy for Barrack and I wish him the best of luck, although I highly doubt his Presidency is going to affect me in any real way. Mainly I'm just excited that this thing is over and all those boring people who decided they needed to have an opinion on everything over the past 6 months can go back to having nothing to talk about. What follows will be a brief rundown of my election day** and let me assure you that almost none of it has to do with actual politics.

- Let's get the political stuff out of the way. My favorite this year was 102, which here in Arizona was designed to define marriage as a union between a MAN and WOMAN. What exactly is the purpose of this prop? To make gay marriage even more illegal? I just don't understand this, although the ad campaign for Prop. 102 was pretty hilarious. Anyway, this prop. passed as did a similar one in California. Heterosexuals 1, Gays 0

- The majority of my day was spent at Starbucks, which was an absolute clusterf*ck. The company decided it would be a great idea to give out a free tall cup of coffee, and so the majority of my day looked like this:

Customer: Hey you guys are giving away free drinks to people who voted?
Me: Yeah you can get a free tall coffee, hot or iced.
Customer: What about Frappaccinos?
Me: Um, no. Like I just said a free tall cup of coffee, hot or iced?
Customer: Ah, what about an iced tea or a latte?
Me: Are you serious? I've told you twice in a row now what you get for free. Do I really need to say it a third time?
Customer: Besides the coffee, what else can I get for free?
Me: (Looking around for a blunt object to bludgeon myself with)

Repeat that exchange roughly 375 times and you have my day. I wish I was joking. Here's another exchange I frequently had with customers

Customer: Well my child voted today, can they have a free drink as well ?
Me: Yes, they can have free tall coffee, hot or iced.
Customer: But they're only a kid, they don't drink coffee...
Me: Well I'm sorry, but that's all I can do
Customer: That can't have a free Frappuccino or something?
Me: No, sorry.
Customer: But they're only a kid...
Me: Tell you what, how about I give your child a free pretend beverage of their choice for the pretend election they partook in today.

Ok well I never actually said that last part, but lord knows I wanted to. Now some of you make think I'm over exaggerating, let me assure you I am not. Or perhaps you think I'm a little too angry and cynical about this, but two days have passed since then and I'm still jarred by this whole experience. I can honestly say this was one of the worst days of work I've ever had.

- Another thing that happened to me at work was that I got yelled at by managers and customers alike for asking people who they voted for. Apparently this is taboo, because such information can occasionally cause heated arguments. I guess I can understand that, but then people kept going a step further and telling me that the information is private and very personal. Now this I can't understand. If you do something in a public place and then wear a sticker promoting that you did it, is that thing really that private? I don't know about you, but when something is private in my life, I certainly don't wear a sticker to promote this "private or personal" thing. People also generally don't put a bumper sticker on their car promoting something private. In fact, I go out of my way to keep private things private. There's a reason you don't see people wearing "I'm an alcoholic"*** or "I have marital problems" stickers. It's because these things are truly private, people want to keep them out of the public light. They also don't go around collecting free swag they get for something that's supposable highly private and personal.

- On a closing note, during a rare slow period in my day a woman came in decked out from head to toe in Obama gear. I sarcastically asked her who she was voting for, to which she replied:

"I voted for the man who's gonna change this country"

I sat there for a second debating whether or not to explain to this woman that our government is set up to run off a series of checks and balances, essentially negating the possibility that one person could actually change the country on their own. Instead I just stood there and said: "Wow". Now I'm not very intelligent by any meaning of the word, but the ignorance in this country is truly mind blowing at times.

This woman then proceed to haggle with me about whether or not she could get something other than a tall coffee for her free beverage.

God Bless America


Until We Meet Again
* Technically, dude's 1/6 black, that's all I'm saying.
** Or as some are calling it: Black Tuesday
*** Unless you're in AA

On Pants and the Future. And, Perhaps, the Future of Pants

One quick housekeeping note before we begin. I’m still a wreck after U of A Basketball’s 9/11, i.e. Lute’s retirement and all the bs that has followed it. And, unfortunately for the 12 people who read my blog, I’m probably not done writing about it. My peeps and I have been compiling a mix for the Silver Fox (Lute Olson for those of you unschooled in U of A) and once it’s finished I’ll post full details on that. Also I’m sure I’ll have something to say on the inevitable bad hire Jim Livengood makes when hiring Lute’s replacement. But we’re going to put all that away for another day. Now, on to lighter topics:

Since the Simpsons have been on pretty much my entire life, it’s easy to forget just how ingenious the show is. It also doesn’t help the show is so heavily syndicated that it’s literally on 45 times a day. I was watching and old episode the other day and I’d forgotten about one of my all-time favorite Simpson’s moments. It in the episode where Krusty, doing standup comedy, goes on a rant about consumerism and commercialism and how it’s wrecking our society. To culminate his point he then pulls out a hundred dollar bill and lights it on fire. The rest of the crowd is so inspired they take their money out and start burning it as well. The next night Homer and his friends go back to hear Krusty talk again, Lenny explains that he brought a sac full of money just in case Krusty tells them to burn it again. Homer then remarks “I hope he tells us to burn our pants, these things are killing me.” As Krusty then comes out and the crowd is cheering, Homer then yells my favorite line of dialogue ever: “Don’t you hate pants?”

Of all the amazing social truths this show has touched on in its 20+ years on the air, this one hit home with me the most. I hate pants, about as passionately as a person can hate an article of clothing. Pants are like White Supremacists, they’re oppressive, restrictive and we’d all be better off without them around. Before we further deconstruct that last sentence, it’s time for a list that proves my point. Below is a list of the most comfortable undergarments a person can wear, in order of least to most comfortable:

7. Kahki’s/Dress Slacks
6. Jeans
5. Shorts
4. Pajama Pants
3. Cargo Shorts
2. Athletic Shorts
1. Boxers/Underwear

No one in their right man can possibly refute this list, with the possible exception of Pajama Pants inclusion or placement. Other than that though, the list is flawless. Which brings back to the Homer Simpson phrase that started me down this thought path “Don’t you hate pants?”. Honestly, you can’t tell me that you’re life wouldn’t be better if you didn’t have to wear pants. Or at the very least you were allowed to wear athletic shorts to work as oppose to chinos or some other type of dress pants. So in the spirit of election seasons, let’s all band together and make a pantless future a reality. Let’s just say no, to pants. YES WE CAN!!!!*

Until We Meet Again
* Since this is probably the only time I’ll reference or write about the election, have you ever heard of a more simplistic or ambiguous slogan for a campaign then “Yes We Can”? It reminds of a Spin City episode I saw forever and a day ago in which one of the character (no idea who it was and I’m too lazy to look it up) was staging a protest. He and all the other protesters are sort of half heartedly walking around chanting this run on sentence that is far too long to be effective. Another on of the shows main character then shows up, notes that their chant is too long and then starts a “Let’s go Mets” cheer. The crowd then bursts into life and joins in the “Lets go Mets” cheer. Police then immediately intervene and drag away the character who started the “Let’s go Mets” cheer, even though he wasn’t even part of the protest. This is what the “Yes We Can” slogan makes me think of.

Also, in the interest of equal exposure for both tickets, let me just say that if you actually need Sarah Palin and Joe the Plumber to tell you that Obama’s tax plan is Socialistic, then you shouldn’t be allowed to vote in this or any election. God I hate this country.

Silent, Like a Whisper

I was at work in the middle of the morning rush when I received multiple texts messages all telling me the same thing: Lute Olson had effectively retired as the coach of my Arizona Wildcats. Soon as I got off I made phone calls to people in the know who told me the exact same thing. I rushed home and checked ESPN which confirmed all of this. Lute was done and even though I was prepared for all of this by the ugliness that was last season, it still hurt.

First let me just say that I never thought I’d live to see the day when the Arizona Cardinals were the best thing going in the Arizona sports world. And now that I’ve jinxed them let’s move on to Lute.

I’ve always loved, defended to the death and respected Lute, even after he started to slowly lose it following the death of his wife Bobbi. As corny and unrealistic as it may sound, Lute’s always seemed like a Grandpa to me. I can honestly say that I care a great deal about him and his welfare despite never having actually met him. Lute is one of the greatest college coaches of all time, and despite the petty bickering that’s increased these past few years, he always seemed to do the right thing and have the best interest of others in mind.

My respect for Lute has actually grown through out this whole ordeal of the past few years. It’s obvious now that Lute never had any intention of returning to coaching when he took his leave of absence last year. The only reason he even came back momentarily was to save the program he gave his heart and soul to from falling apart entirely. He went out and got seemingly competent assistants to take over the program and stay around just long enough to hold on to a few recruits and veterans so that this years team will at least be respectable. The fact that he wasted 6 months out of his life just to hold this program together says all you need to know about this man’s character. Now the words from his final press conference (about how he’s tired and wishing he could take back his April press conference when he lambasted the local media) aren’t sweet and reassuring, they’ve now become sad and a little haunting. And yes I’m fully aware that this all maybe coming across as over dramatic, but this is honestly how I feel. You can insert you’re on joke about me caring too much about sports and not having a life here if you want

Lute, I know you won’t be reading this, but thank you. Thanks for everything you’ve done for this town and for me over the years. It pains me that this will be your epilogue. You truly deserved better, despite what that prick Greg Hansen probably thinks. For some reason all I can think of now is the Kent song “747” about a place crash from which I took the title of this post. I feel like that adequately sums up my feelings on this whole situation. Lute, I hope that you find happiness away from the game of basketball in whatever time you have left. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Until We Meet Again

Here I Am. Rock You Like a… Something Other Then a Hurricane

Ok so I haven’t written anything in a few weeks, but that’s because I’ve been to busy rocking. Literally. Over the past two weeks I’ve been able to watch an amazing string of shows thanks to my going to San Diego Street Scene and thanks to some great bands traveling through Tucson on their way to Austin City Limits. Below is a list of all the bands I got to see as well as some brief comments from me about the show. So have fun with this or just ignore it since it’s something only I would enjoy reading.

Street Scene

Chester French

Likes: When it ended

Dislikes: Because I’ve done some growing up, I no longer hate people. In fact I try not to dwell on anyone long enough to even actively dislike them. However, I’ll make in exception to all this to both openly and actively hate the a--hole who fronts Chester French. I only saw this band because they were the first band playing at Street Scene and because the next two bands I wanted to see were playing on the same stage. I should have known what was coming when this douche took the stage and announced that “Today is all about grabbing boobs and tearing pubes out”. Not only was he dead serious, but he also thought it was really cool to say it. I could literally fill up 3-4 paragraphs as to why this guy is one of the bigger tools alive, but he’s probably got a proximity boner just knowing that someone in the world is actually talking about him, so I’ll stop now.

MGMT

Likes: Time to Pretend and Kids

Dislikes: No, I’m not the type of guy who sees bands just for their singles, but these were the only two songs by MGMT that I could remotely enjoy because of the audience. MGMT’s fanbase apparently consists of a bunch of young hipsters who have never been to a show before. There was bandanas and faux-Days of Thunder sunglasses as far as the eye. I, who am by no stretch of the imagination a small individual, got trampled during this show just because these young f*cks had no idea what to do at a concert. It was pretty embarrassing for everyone involved.

New Pornographers

Likes: I’ve seen the New Pornographers 3 times before and they’re always amazingly tight and together for everyone of their shows. This show was no exception.

Dislikes: The absence of band mates Neko Case and Dan Bejar, my two favorite members of New Prono’s. A.C. Newman’s topical political commentary. Shocking as this maybe to some of you, I didn’t go see the New Pornographers took learn the political takes of some Canadian band’s lead singer. The only time any band should announce their political leanings is if they’re playing at a show to support a particular candidate. And by playing that show you’ve given everyone all the commentary they need, so just stick to music. Honestly.

GZA

Likes: Hearing my favorite rap album of all-time almost all the way through. Also, GZA was half and hour late and while me and my friend James waited for him to show up we debated why GZA was late. We decided he most likely was: A.) Bidding on a Rockaway shirt on Ebay B.) Playing Duck Hunt or C.) Deconstructing “Fear and Trembling” with the RZA, a.k.a. Bobby Digital*

Dislikes: GZA being over half an hour late and therefore having to cut his set short.

Devotchka

Likes: If you’ve never listen to Devotchka’s music or seen them live I highly recommend doing both, because they’re pretty effing awesome.

Dislikes: Thanks to GZA’s late start, Devotchka also had to cut their set short, and thus they failed to play most of the songs I wanted to hear.

Spiritualized

Likes: I started the 2nd day of Street Scene about as perfectly as it possibly could. I was literally in the front row for Spiritualized who put on one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. Just wall to wall distortion the entire set. The band even employees two gospel singers to take the backing vocals and in now way are they even remotely gimmicky, much to my pleasant surprise. In fact, they didn’t even play half the songs I wanted to hear and it was still an incredible show. I’m going to ignore the obvious pun implications and say that Spirtitualized’s live show was very near a religious experience for me.

Dislikes: When it ended

Cold War Kids

Likes: Um…

Dislikes: I don’t think I was able to accurately judge the Cold War Kids because they literally went on right after Spiritualized and I was still in a fog from that show. That and I only saw about 20 minutes of their show. Even then though, the Cold War Kids were kinda of embarrassing. Watching them it feels like they’re trying way too hard to act like a rock band. It’s like they had no idea what to do on stage so their manager gave them videos of Thom Yorke, Angus Young and Nirvana-era David Grohl and told them to study up. Watch some of their live clips on Youtube or even one of their music videos and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Tokyo Police Club

Likes: While I was still in a semi-fog from the Spiritualized show, Tokyo Police Club managed to knock me out of it by rocking, hard. Just about everything that I like about them transfers over perfectly in a live setting. Just a very, very solid show.

Dislikes: Their lead singer’s voice is mainly neutral, not adding or taking away from anything, on most of their records, but it seems to be their only weak spot in the bands live shows.

The Hives

I didn’t really see the Hives play, but they were performing across the way from the stage I was waiting at. I never really liked the Hives, and their lead singer appears to be an egotistical jackass. For the few songs that I had to watch them perform on the jumbo screen, it appears this man is totally and unequivocally in love with himself. He seems like the kinds guy who listens to his own music at home and in his car and requests that females wear a mirror over their face when he makes love to them. Just an all around douche baggy performance by, you guessed it, a giant douche.

Tegan and Sara

Likes: Just about everything. For being lesbian twin sisters, Tegan and Sara put on a pretty great show. They were humorous, gracious and musically sound. Pretty much everything I want from a band whose music I’m only vaguely familiar with. They also took 30 seconds of their show to cover “Umbrella” . Tegan, or was it Sara, then said that Rhianna was her future wife, which was funny. They find Rhianna attractive, I find Rhianna attractive, we’ve have a lot in common.

Dislikes: Not knowing which team all the attractive girls at this show were playing for. Never has checking girls out at a concert out been so confusing.

The National

Likes: I ended the second day at Street Scene the same way I began it: with a transcendent show from one of my favorite bands. I could gush for several pages about how amazing this show was and how much I love The National, but that would just make everyone whose still reading really uncomfortable so I’ll just say that they were amazing and leave it at that.

Dislikes: When it ended.

Shows in Tucson

Vampire Weekend

This was a really unusual show. It was thrown together so Vampire Weekend and Hot Chip could make some money while traveling from California to ACL. Vampire puts on a pretty good show, but for the most part they seem like a band who doesn’t want to be famous. Maybe they just didn’t give two sh*ts about this particular show, but they seemed very distant the entire time. The drummer was the only band member with any consistent energy, as well as being the only one of them who looks like he should be in a rock band. I imagine there’s no difference between the show Vampire Weekend put on for us then when they’re all stoned and playing at one of their beach house in the Hamptons. My favorite member of Vampire Weekend was their keyboardists, who seems utterly conflicted on stage. It’s like his Dad’s pissed that he became a rockstar instead of being a CPA. It appears to really be eating at him, like he doesn’t know whether he should honor his father or rock out. Just a lot going on in
this young man’s mind… Or at least that’s what I told myself.

Hot Chip

This show was best summed up by my friend Billy who said: “This is everything I want in a live show and nothing I want in a band”. I couldn’t agree more. Although I could probably do without a fat keyboardist continually humping his instrument.

Zygos

Zygos put on a very good show for an opening band. At the end of their set all the members of Okkervil River joined them on stage to sing their last song. It was a giant sausage fest as 15 or so dudes attempted to rock out on a stage that can’t be more then 10 x 20 feet. Both bands were really, uncomfortably into each other. I imagine this exact same scenario takes place each night after their shows except there’s no audience and none of them are wearing pants.

Okkervil River

Likes: 3 years ago in Chicago I saw Okkervil River open for the Decemberist and became a much bigger fan of theirs after that. They’re an amazing band that puts on an equally as amazing show. They don’t play all their hits or their up tempo songs either, which I liked. I really respect a band that goes out of their way to alienate their fans

Dislikes: Their lead singer, Will Sheff, was very drunk and tweaking on one or multiple drugs. He was still able to sing all the songs and in most cases play the guitar. Although at one point he had his capo on the 6th fret and was still playing chords on the first fret, which was funny. They started every song way off because of Sheff’s intoxication, but they’d generally pull it together about midway through the first verse, which is an even greater testament to how talented they are. Also, I feel certain that Sheff’s going write a terrific album recovering from whatever drugs he’s currently on, so the show wasn’t an entire bust.

Until We Meet Again
* If they were in fact doing this I can only imagine they were saying things like “There’s some real shit in here man” and “That’s the leap of faith right there my n*gga”. No, I’m not racist. Why do you ask?